Let me start off by apologizing for the fact that this month’s column may not be up to snuff. After all, how the shit do I follow up last month’s Awesomer, with a goddamn video game convention featuring the unstoppable Minibosses? The answer is: it’s hard. So let’s just all make the best of it. And while we’re at it, let me clarify that I’m not actually apologizing. I don’t hafta answer to you nerds. If you don’t like this month’s column, tough poop, pal. Don’t read it. Go read “The Gates of Life”. See what I care.
Let’s stay on the course. I do, in fact, have some very cool news in the realm of a video game convention. That’s right, kids — I’m talking about the up-and-coming Philly Classic 5. Long have I waited for this joyous event, and here it is, mere months away. So get this, right, I’m on the Internet, minding my own business, when it hits me: I haven’t been to the Philly Classic site in ages! Perhaps there are some new updates in addition to some useful information that can help better my gaming experience. So I head on over there, and I decide to see what’s going on in the tournament realm. I click on the “2600 and NES” forum thread, and suck my dick, do you know what I saw? Not only are they bringing back the unstoppable Warlords, which rules, but for the NES tournament this year, they’re gonna have Dr. Fucking. Mario. No dumb games. No bull shit. Straight Doc. I near shit myself out of sheer joy.
But let’s not get cocky here, Neal. I may be awesomer than everyone, but a big head will clog up that Dr. Mario cornhole faster than a load of pills will any day. I decided to keep focused and, above all else, remain calm. If I keep on my game until the Spring of PC5, then I shall be a contender. Nothing more, nothing less. I’m gonna keep a daily training regiment — Level 20 Speed High every day until the event. You’d think that was getting out of hand; but then again, it’s not far from the normal amount of Dr. Mario I play.
Now, if you’re thinking this has been weak so far, just imagine how happy you’ll be that there exists this preamble to such an epic battle ahead. Damn, can you just imagine the “Awesomer” that’ll appear in the issue of GameCola following the events at Philly Classic 5? You can bet your scrotum on it kids — it’s gonna be a doozy. Until then, play kill.switch. I’ve heard it’s got a bad rap these days; but I had the pleasure of trying it out, and I must say, it’s quite exquisite. Then again, I may be a total douche. This is once again going to fall into the category of “see what I care”. Play the game. Don’t play the game. It really doesn’t affect me if you think kill.switch is the biggest pile of ass juice that was ever released for a game system. I’ll be playing Dr. Mario. You won’t because you suck. Until next time, this has been Neal, and if there is any scrap of doubt in your mind, let me clarify for you right now: I am awesomer than you.