Metroid Fusion (GBA)

What do you get when you take a superb game, wussify it with a hand-holding HAL wannabe, sissify the game engine, and put in a plot that blatantly copies Alien Resurrection?

Metroid Fusion. I can’t even BEGIN to list all of the things that make this game the crappiest Metroid game I have ever played. Oh wait, I can.

First off, Fusion takes away the elements that made this series, essentially, side-scrolling Zelda in space. Instead of searching around caverns on a planet, finding upgrades as you go, you’re bossed around by a HAL wannabe who tells you to grab this here, unlock this security gate here, and kill this robot here. The gameplay is obviously sissified because Nintendo, like all game companies nowadays, is afraid to wear the pants and release good, hard games like Ikaruga and Final Fantasy (the hardcore NES version, not any of those WSC or PSX remakes).

To be fair, the engine isn’t completely sissified. Enemies in this installment can take off multiple energy tanks in a single hit (almost at a level of Mega Man cheapness, but I only got hit 6-7 times on my first play through). Also, the enemy you face in this game is *awesome*. Instead of battling Metroids (well, you do a bit of that too…), you fight an enemy that uses the exploited-often letter X in its name. Actually, that’s it’ the enemy is called the X virus. The X virus goes around the space station that MF takes place on, wreaking havoc all around and kicking ass (specifically, yours). After killing ugly mutated monsters infected by the letter X, you have to capture the free-floating virus or it reforms, sometimes fusing with other enemies, which is awesome. Also, Samus, whose original suit was also infected by the letter X, is in a clown suit (a very stupid looking one), and her old suit gets infected by the virus and tries many times to kick her ass, almost in a Resident Evil fashion (well, more like that HORRID movie Jason X). So this game does have its finer points, but it still isn’t worth buying, due to the fact that it just SUCKS. Sucky suck suck suck SUCKS.

I realize that I am being a tad immature, but there’s a *lot* to be immature about… I mean, dear god, the AUDIO of this game, for one. Instead of awesome tunes that were in the infinitely superior Metroid Prime, we get some random crap that a retarded monkey could have composted. I think they also used the retarded monkey to pick out the sounds, because they SUCK.

Speaking of things that SUCK, the controls in this game are embarrassingly BAD. Gone are the wonder years of Super Metroid, where you could do astounding stunts. Instead, we get a clumsy bounty hunger girl who has seen better days and is dressed in a FUCKING CLOWN SUIT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, COULD NINTENDO HAVE FUCKED THIS GAME UP *ANY* MORE?!?!?!

To end this review on a positive note, I’ll list the things that make this game almost worth buying:

1. You can link it with Metroid Prime to be able to play the original Metroid on the ‘Cube.

2. The SA-X (Samus’ evil clone thing) rules.

3. The visuals are astoundingly good. The Nightmare boss comes to mind…

4. The big N didn’t do too many horrid things to Samus, like revealing that she’s a tranny or something…

5. (This could be considered a good and a bad thing, but it’s pretty neat, so I’ll list it here anyway.) You can beat the game with nothing but a single tank of missiles, which is a good challenge.

6. It’s METROID, for godsakes! You will buy it, no matter how bad I say the game is, because it’s METROID. Let’s just hope that Zero Mission is better.