Cheat Codes for Life

Julie Kozarsky offers advice about how to like popular videogames, putting an end to Hot Topic, and more.

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Halo ScreenshotJulie Kozarsky, with her infinite knowledge of the universe, uses her wisdom and experience to reduce your gravest problems into silly inconveniences.  So easy, so simple — it’s a cheat code for your life.

Dearest Juliet:

I don’t have anything really against Madden, Grand Theft Auto, or Halo per se, but for the life of me, I just can’t get into them. My friends are constantly playing those three and other such “mainstream” titles, and I’m always alone in my room playing quirky, obscure titles that no one’s ever heard of, like Mad Maestro! and Mr. Mosquito. I’d like to think that I wouldn’t hate a game just because everyone else likes it, but that almost seems to be the case, doesn’t it? Why can ‘t I get into the games that everyone else is playing?

Sincerely, 
Halo’s Actually an Okay Game

Hey Halo,

EMBRACE YOUR INDIVIDUALITY, fool!

Liking different games than your friends is a sign of how awesome and original you are. Why would you ever want to change that? Seriously. This is the most pathetic plea for advice that I’ve ever heard. I mean it. Like, I really do. Why change what makes you different from the pop-culture loving fools that surround you?

Uniquely,
Julie

Dear Julie,

Hot Topic is ruining video games. Have you been in there lately? It’s hard for me because their God-awfully loud “punk” music gives me a headache, but I stop by every now and then to laugh at all their ridiculous prices. They’re selling all kinds of video game garbage there now — t-shirts, sweatshirts, mouse pads, steering wheel covers — you name it, it’s got a 1-Up mushroom on it.

Hot Topic is selling our industry to the mainstream, making it no better than those commercially produced “musical acts”, such as Brittany Spears and Good Charlotte. The day I see a frat boy wearing a Super Mario wristband is the day I take a flamethrower to the mall and torch everything in sight. How can we put a stop to this before it gets EVEN MORE out of hand?!

Savior of Our Industry

Dear Savior,

I completely agree with you. Every single Hot Topic store should be shot down in flames. I’m going to be the one responsible for blowing up every single one of those things. You with me? Everyone who wants to kill alllll Hot Topic stores…. email me now and we’ll arrange it.

In flames, Julie

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About the Contributor


From 2004 to 2005

Julie Kozarsky is a former staff member from GameCola's early days as a monthly email newsletter.

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