Paul: The atmosphere here at ringside is electrifying! Hello everyone I’m Paul Franzen, alongside “Captain” Eric Regan, and we’re coming to you live, live, live from the DCW arena! Tonight’s main event is sure to be a thriller: for the first time in several months, the following contest is scheduled for one fall with absolutely no gimmicks attached!
Eric: No gimmicks?! You cannot have a DCW match without gimmicks; this is just pure INSANITY!! What two victims would accept this torture?! Who is throwing themselves into this pit of vicious blandness, Paul!?
Paul: You mean you don’t already know? Why, we’ve got lawyer Phoenix Wright duking it out with caveman Chuck Rock, with the winner going on to have his game reviewed by yours truly in this very issue.
Paul: I just can’t decide whether I wanna discuss the Dual Screen’s Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney or Super Nintendo’s Chuck Rock, and I can’t think of a better way to render this decision than in the squared circle.
Eric: So, basically they are fighting for you own amusement. What a cruel cruel man you are Mr. Franzen. THINK OF THE CHILDREN.
Paul: The children demand closure to this epic problem, Regan! Do you wanna deprive them of their closure?!
Eric: You could give it to them if you could only make up your mind! BUT NO. Why must we always solve our problems with violence?! IS THERE NOT ANY OTHER WAY?
Eric: Hey Look! our combatants are making their way down to the ring! Get ready for one awesome slugfest, let me tell ya.
Paul: We all know that Phoenix Wright is a courtroom brawler…but will he be able to brawl with the likes of Chuck Rock?
Eric: A man who, chucks rocks for a living?! I’m not so sure any white-collar warrior will be able to do much against this Neanderthal menace.
Paul: This may be a trial, Phoenix Wright; but it’s not the sort of trial you’re accustomed to. What will the referee’s final verdict be?!
Eric: Ouch Paul, that line, was just, painful to hear
Paul: So what’s it gonna be, Phoenix Wright? Will you be guilty of kicking ass?!
Eric: Stooop it! For the love of all that is good, stoop it!
Paul: Well folks, I think it’s about time we got this match underway!
Paul: Ring the bell, timekeeper Bull Buchanan!
Eric: Finally, jeez. Someone needs to lay off the caffeine.
Eric: Whaat!? B-squared?! Why the hell did you give HIM a job?
Paul: It’s funny you should ask, actually.
Paul: You know how we keep losing all of our staff to the World Wrestling Entertainment?
Paul: I figured the best way to prevent that would be to hire someone that they would never, ever want on their staff.
Eric: Greedy bastards.
Paul: So I got Bull Buchanan.
Paul: Great idea, eh?
Eric: I suppose… sort of.
Paul: I do wish he’d hurry up and ring the bell… he’s just kind of staring at it, and at the hammer, unsure of what these two objects mean.
Eric: And he finally just slams his head into the bell. IT’S ON.
Paul: Sure took us a while get get this match started…I sure hope we don’t have a hung jury on our hands!
Eric: If you make one more godawful pun, I promise I will strangle the life out of you.
Paul: Ha ha, that Eric! Always a clown! Call the match man, won’t you?
Eric: Chuck Rock seems to be starting things off by shaking the canvas! He just cant seem to pull it up! I wonder where he received such unorthodox training.
Paul: There’s no way that’s gonna work, Chuck! That there’s the best ring money could buy! It…
Paul: Oh, nevermind.
Paul: Chuck Rock seems to have ripped off a huge chunk of the DCW ring.
Eric: Never underestimate the frugality of DCW!
Eric: He appears to be hurling this peace of the ring straight at the well-dressed attorney!
Paul: Phoenix ducks, and the chunk of canvas goes sailing right into one of our ring posts. It falls to the ground with a sickening “thwip,” and throughout it all, the question remains: What next?
Eric: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ON MAAN?! I am calling a doctor for you as soon as this FABULOUS match is concluded.
Paul: You know… I hear that doctor from Trauma Center is pretty good…
Eric: Yeah well, that doctor might be out of our budget; but I am sure this guy I met on the street earlier who completed three stages of trauma center will fix you up fine.
Eric: Chuck is undeterred by his miss and is running straight at Mr. Wright! I am not sure Phoenix can handle the force that is ROCK.
Paul: Don’t be so quick to give up on the wily attorney, Eric! While shouting “HOLD IT!” rather extremely, Phoenix points wildly at the caveman, who stops dead in his tracks!
Paul: Who’d of thought that would work outside of the courtroom?
Eric: Well, cavemen aren’t known for their intelligence.
Paul: “Now then,” Phoenix says, beating his hands down hard on the turnbuckle, “I have conclusive evidence that you will lose this match.”
Eric: But what is this! As this long-winded suit-clad hero prattles on and on Chuck Rock grabs him and lands a VICIOUS German suplex
Paul: But there’s Phoenix, still pointing, still gesturing! That lawyer just will not give up this case!
Paul: He appears to be plucking something out of his suit jacket: perhaps this is the evidence in question?
Eric: Dropkick TO THE FACE of Phoenix, yeeowch.
Eric: And the “evidence” goes flying. Tough break of our pansy of a combatant.
Paul: “OBJECTION,” the ace attorney is shouting! His face is turning red and you can see sweat pouring from his forehead.
Eric: He might want to think about abandoning his all words approach, Paul, and starting throwing some fists in there as well; because as he shouts Chucky is applying a surprisingly effective Boston crab.
Paul: You know, I never would’ve thought the caveman would show such technical prowess. He’s a regular Chris Benoit in there!
Eric: He was up all night studying tapes in preparation for this tough battle! He told me earlier he liked Benoit best because “he reminded [him] of family.”
Paul: Phoenix gets to the ropes, and referee Pete Gas forces Chuck Rock to break the hold. After a moments hesitation our hero shouts “TAKE THAT,” and kicks Chuck right in the face! A superkick from the ace attorney!
Eric: And it looks like we might have an actual fight on our hands! The blow set Chuck Rock back and… and YES… there he goes tumbling to the ground.
Paul: Phoenix goes to capitalize, but trips in the hole in the ring that Chuck made earlier! Both our combatants are now on the ground; will they make Pete Gas’ ten count?
Eric: ROCK is the first one up, however, he is quickly followed by the lawyer. Phoenix appears to be going for another speech of some sort… but is cut quick when he gets locked into a grapple with Chuck.
Paul: I’m not sure about you Eric, but I sure smell what Chuck Rock is cookin’! He appears to be… YES, Chuck Rock just blasted Phoenix Wright with a Samoan drop.
Eric: And what a beauty it was! It has left Phoenix motionless on the canvas; is this the end for this annoying force?!
Paul: “HOLD IT!” Phoenix shouts again, this time more pathetically than before. But before we can find out what his objection was, Chuck Rock silences him with a People’s Elbow. I guess it doesn’t matter what his objection was, eh Eric?
Eric: Not one iota, Paul! Apparently his in-court prowess does not translate very well into the ring.
Paul: I think Chuck’s hunting around for that piece of canvass right now–it just wouldn’t be proper for him to finish out this bout without pulling off his famed finisher.
Paul: And since our ring is so solid, so expensive, I daresay you could say it is rock-solid!
Eric: He seems to have given up on his search and just ripped out another piece of our almost cardboard like ring! DEVASTATING, he is just smashing Phoenix in the head with it over and over… AND OVER… so much for technically mastery.
Paul: This raises an important question not explicitly mentioned in the DCW rulebook: Can chunks of the squared circle be considered foreign objects? Maybe Gas should be disqualifying Chuck Rock as we speak! Maybe Chuck Rock should, dare I say, be held in contempt of ring.
Eric: GODDAMMITPAAULTHATSIT!
Eric: BY GAWD Eric is lifting a chair… CHAIR SHOT TO MR. FRANZEN. RIGHT IN THE FAAAACE. Unbelievable.
Eric: It appears that the higher-ups have told Mr. Gas that it IS legal and the match can continue.
Paul: And Paul is laid out, completely unconscious! “Captain” Eric Regan may have to go it alone for a little while.
Eric: Man, unconscious?! He couldn’t even handle a little chair shot?! Jeez, what a wimp.
Eric: Well Chuck seems to be so caught up in his rampage that he did not notice Phoenix slip away, and while Chuck is still continuously beating the canvas well… with the canvas… Mr. Wright has snuck up behind him and applied his deadly variation of the chicken wing! Yes!: the Phoenix wing.
Paul: Our plucky hero Paul Franzen springs spryly back up!
Paul: Go get him Phoenix!
Eric: The attorney is slowly choking the life out of this Neanderthal! Unbelievable!
Eric: But wait! A large smile is starting to grow on the face of the caveman, as he uses his sheer strength to merely stand up and use his body weight to toss the fragile lawyer away!
Paul: It looks like Chuck Rock has effectively dismissed that case, eh?
Eric: Yes.
Paul: Undaunted, our attorney springs off the ropes and dives head-first at Chuck Rock!
Paul: He bounces right off Chuck’s massive chest, and crumples to the floor.
Eric: That was NOT pretty, Paul! Chuck is putting down his massive foot on Mr. Wright’s chest for the pin! COULD THIS BE THE END OF MY TORTURE?!
Paul: One… two…
Paul: “OBJECTION!!!”
Eric: OOH DAMNIT, STAY DOWN!
Paul: …three.
Eric: It appears Phoenix didn’t realize he needed to get his shoulders up.
Paul: “OBJECTION! OBJECTION!! TAKE THIS!!!”
Eric: Well versed in the laws of the land, but apparently he didn’t read up on his rules of rasslin’
Paul: Now matter how many times he screamed, his objections fell on deaf ears.
Eric: And our Trauma Center trainee is being ushered to the ring to attend to the attorney’s massive wounds
Eric: Let this be a lesson for us all: Lawyers should never wrestle cavemen.
Paul: I bet if he’d gotten to show his evidence, he could’ve won.
Paul: Say, what do you suppose that evidence was, anyway?
Eric: …
Eric: No one cares, Paul! NO ONE! Nothing would have saved that doomed man!
Paul: Our plucky hero, Paul Franzen, runs to the scene of the crime to nab the evidence.
Paul: Bringing it back, he shows it to “Captain” Eric Regan.
Eric: Amazing. Truly amazing.
Paul: Yeah, I guess it wasn’t really enough to win the match.
Paul: Still pretty cool, though.
Eric: Not in the slightest!
Paul: Well that just about does it for Digital Championship Wrestling this month!
Eric: And tune into the dark ally in the parking lot where I will be taking down my punny, punny colleague over here.
Eric: IT’S GO TIME DAMNIT.
Paul: For Eric Regan I’m Paul Franzen saying good night, and good luck!
