King of Kings is another Nintendo game that is based on the silly false religion that every one of my neighbors seem to be so gung-ho about. King of Kings actually consists of three short games that all have something to do with Jesus. The three games are The Wise Men, The Flight to Egypt, and Jesus and the Temple. Though unfortunately, you never actually get the chance to control Jesus.
In The Wise Men, you control one of the three wise men as they make their way to Jesus. Along the way, you must go through nine levels looking for gold and myrrh while fighting enemies like a giant gorilla in what looks like the Tropical Rain Forest. Most of the game is spent avoiding enemies. This is because your only attack is to make your camel spit, which does not usually prove to be very helpful.
Now, I may not be an “official” Bible scholar, but I really don’t think it contained anything about the wise men having to traverse the Tropical Rain Forrest. Nor do I believe there would be so many birds and snakes trying to stop the wise men from delivering their gifts. Though, once gain to be fair, I haven’t actually read the Bible. My copy of the Bible has a big hole in the middle of it that I use to hide drugs.
Moving on to the next game, we find that, for some reason or another, Joseph and Mary must flee Egypt with the baby Jesus, or else they die, or Armageddon occurs. I’m not really sure. The point is, this is yet another game about riding an animal through ridiculous terrain. In this particular game, you’re stuck on the back of some poor donkey who has to somehow carry a whole family of people to another country. The donkey’s only attack is a swift donkey kick that sufficiently takes out roughly zero enemies.
I didn’t actually finish this game. I got as far as the Arctic level where I was unable to get past the polar bear. I think that level is based on the book of Mathew.
The third game lets you control Joseph, who’s finally running around on foot. Instead of some fancy attack, holding down the B button only allows you to run quicker. Joseph must find Jesus before the time’s up, or else I’m assuming something bad happens. I don’t know. I don’t imagine the son of God would really need a mere mortal to protect him, but what do I know? I’m just an ignorant atheist.
It wasn’t very long before the game screwed up, and I decided that I didn’t feel like playing anymore. So I didn’t get very far in Jesus and the Temple.
If you do ever beat any of the games on this cartridge (or ROM), not only will be greeted by a pixelized image of Jesus, but you’ll also get this congratulatory plea to become born again.
All in all, it was a pretty boring, lackluster game that was about on par with the standard level of suckitude inherent in all Wisdom Tree games. I’m just let down that I didn’t have a copy of the manual. Now I’ll never get to Heaven.
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