Have you ever been involved in a three-month-long feud with a pro-wrestling champion? And no matter how many chair shots you administer, or tables you put him through, you still can’t seem to get the pin? What about when after losing match after match, you are finally forced into a Loser Leaves Town match for the belt?
Well, I lost that match, so about six weeks ago I got in my car and headed out on a road trip. Apparently, over a year ago, Paul tricked me into signing some contract while I was drunk, so I’m forced to keep writing reviews. Here’s one of them.
New York City.
If I were to pick which cliché most-accurately reflects the nature of New York City, I would say that the city is its own living organism. It’s a city in motion. So much so that there is no longer any way to express that sentiment without plagiarizing. So fuck it.
I was recently joined by my favorite cohort, Anita, on a trip in New York City to that wonderful land south of Canal Street known as Chinatown. In Chinatown, you can haggle for cheap counterfeit purses, or the latest DVD bootleg.
You can also find arcade game machines that haven’t been serviced since 1986. Sadly, those machines don’t work very well. But I did find some shooter games. From House of the Dead and Area 51 to Duck Hunt and Hogan’s Alley, everyone’s played a shooter game.
In this particular expedition, I found a game called Crossfire: Maximum Paintball. Crossfire is your typical shooter with enemies popping up that you have to shoot. The catch is that you aren’t firing actual bullets, and your enemies don’t actually die. They pause before shooting at you again unless you can douse them with more paint.
Remember that one kid from you neighborhood who was never allowed to play violent games, so his overly strict parents only allowed them to play Christian-themed videogames and games about counting? Crossfire is the sort of game that this poor kid was allowed to play. It’s a game where you pretend to pretend to kill someone.
It could have just been the actual arcade machine that I was using, but the aiming was terrible. It’s just as well though, since paintball tends to be reserves for hormonal teenagers with shitty aim and delusions of badassness. (Much like your average online game reviewer.)
Unfortunately, I’ve run out of time, so you’ll have to wait until next time when I’ll get more into New York and possibly more into shooters.