Sunday, Feb. 10th, 2008 at 5:20 p.m.
Dear LiveJournal,
Today was the first day I went out on the town dressed as a cross between Johnny Knoxville and an anime nerd. I took my trusty “beam katana” with me. I don’t know why they call it a “beam katana” when it’s really just a frickin’ lightsaber, but it’s probably because some jerkweed copyrighted that name. So guess what happened today, LJ?
I became an assassin!
I was hired by this questionably rendered chick who inexplicably has her shirt open all the time, exposing her bra. It’s kinda hot. She had lots of good mood lighting surrounding her like I always do. Some crisp cel shading, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. Actually, most of the city is questionably rendered, so even though things don’t look totally awesome, the lighting and shading is pretty sweet.
Anyway, she (I can’t remember her name—I was always checking out her stuff) sent me to this house. I was only vaguely sure why, but I cleaved at least 30 or 40 clones in half with my LIGHTSABER. I would’ve felt bad for all the people I killed, but clones don’t have souls. They erupted in big clouds of blood and coins when I sliced them up, and sometimes they swore at me, or I swore at them. I tried to repeat my catchphrases as often as possible, no matter how annoying it got. The blood was cool, but the coins? I didn’t quite get that. Anyway, I followed this girl from cutscene to cutscene, and although they were all really well done, I still only loosely followed her story. Some of the cutscenes with the other characters were just crazy awesome! I’m glad I got to be a part of them.
I cruised around the city on my big-ass motorcycle, and I thought I was going to be all badass about it like in GTA, but all I can really do is run people over, and even that is unsatisfying because all they do is grunt. Really, it just seems like the motorcycle is a way to get from place to place in the big city of Santa Destroy.
I took a couple of wacky part-time jobs, like shaking trees and collecting coconuts for some jackass who runs a coconut stand, mowing some monster overgrown lawns, and picking up garbage in the streets. I know what you’re thinking, LJ: That this sounds stupid. But it’s actually kind of fun. Plus, if I do well, the guy “gives a card to his associate,” which is just a translation for getting me another assassination job at “The Agency.” These missions are awesome; I get to kill more people in a variety of challenging ways.
Today was definitely a good day to be out and about. It wasn’t an overtly difficult day, but cleaving “bad guys” in two, although it sounds repetitive, is actually quite fun. It’s also fun to learn and use wrestling moves on them when I feel like a change up. There’s lots of stuff to do in the city aside from killing, like buying new clothes at the store, training with this creepy man who wants to take my pants off, renting VHS tapes from the video store, or running around the city collecting balls.
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
Love,
Travis Touchdown
Monday, Feb. 11th, 2008 at 4:36 p.m.
Dear LJ,
I died today. I got better, though.
I’ve probably killed a small nation’s worth of clones by now. Begun these Clone Wars have! You’d think the combat would eventually get old, but you use your arms enough in the process that it stays fresh and engaging the whole way through.
I still can’t figure out why all the icons I pick up and the menus I read use some kind of stylized 8-bit graphics. I mean, it’s intentional, but thematically it doesn’t seem to fit in with the rest of Santa Destroy. Still, I like them! The pixilated pizza icons remind me of playing Ninja Turtles back on the old Nintendo.
I’m slowly fighting my way up to the top of the assassination’s guild ranking! Pretty soon, I’ll be the best hired sword in the city.
Love,
Travis Touchdown
Friday, Feb. 29th, 2008 at 11:09 p.m.
Dear LJ,
Sorry I haven’t updated you in a while, but after I killed everyone in Santa Destroy and became the best assassin, I decided to go outside with an extra difficulty level, and it was too hard, so I stopped going outside.
Overall, if my life was a videogame, I would say it’s definitely worth renting. I would even buy it if it was used or I could get a decent discount on it. It’s a good life, even if it’s a bit bogged down with some repetitiveness. It’s fun, just not a thrill a minute, but I guess that’s life, right? So I’m faced with the question of what to do now.
I’ve decided to sit here, play with my kitty, and wait for Smash Brother’s Brawl to come out.
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
Love,
Travis Touchdown
