GameCola Faythful, I’ve got a confession here to make. I, contrary to popular belief, am a recovering alcoholic. My explanation for digging up the past last month was simply because the insanity and sheer horror that stems from New York State Regents Testing brought me back to the bottle. It was a rough and bitter month, but I still managed to score a 16 on the United States history test, a 25 on the English test, and a perfect score in gym class. For the eleventh year in a row!
Luckily for me, as of the second I started writing this review, I am completely and totally sober. I’ve escaped from the clutches of fine Russian exports1, and I am now ready to review a fine piece of quality entertainment that no one has ever reviewed here at GameCola, thus making it fair game. Well, fine. I didn’t really read any GameCola last month. I mean, there wasn’t anything really good in there, right?2 It’s not like someone just happened to review the game when my back was turned, right? There’s a million games under the sea! I’ll just take a peek, just to humor myself and…
WHAT?! SOMEONE REVIEWED SOUL CALIBUR!3
…Jesus, I need a drink.
Pirates can be and usually are alcoholics. It’s good to keep the review gimmick goin’ with the theme here. I should teach lessons!
….
OK, well, all’s not bleak yet. There’s still a chance here! Let’s see…ah! He only reviewed the Dreamcast version! And I, the clever and quirky fella that I is, happen to have the XBLA version in my hands! This should be easy, then. Alls I gotta do is not sound like whatever the hell Matt wrote. It’s impossible for one man to write the exact same thing as another, right? Right!
…Damn, as much as Bud Light is a plague on American soil, it sure is good….
Anywee, Soul Calibur is the second titty in the Soul series, in which a bunch of people go around with their swords and sword like thingy and beat each other up as they try to find this magical sword who like, eats swords or souls or something. There’s this one guy who keeps taking about translucent histories and something eternally retold, but his voice is just soooo funny, all i can do is giggle and giggle at the voices, cause their like, rly, rly bad!
When it coming to presentations, the XBLA revamp is a little screwy-wooy. Y’see, the preety characters and landthigns are really pretty! But then you let your ears do their thing and its all TERRIBE! its like someone spoke into a microphone but real real bad! They’re lotsa pretty pictures too too look at in this weird galaery thingy but I forget why I looked at it cept for the 5 point ACHEVEMENT I got outta looking at it! i love achevements as much as i love my beer lol!
… oooooh! Bud light LIME! letmeetrythat!
so anyway theres this thing about the fighting which i thought really coo its caled teh EIGHT WAY REN and it has your guy run in liek, eight different ways and i thought “WOAH ITS LIKE YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE ON THIS THING” and it turned out you could except when i fell and my guy was like AHHH I DIE and the guy with the funny voice was all YOU LOSE and I was all WHAT THE FUCK and then i was sad and grabbed a beer.
Theres so many prettte girlssss to see in soul cammiebs that i thank alltheguys that made it was male cause theirs so many booooooobies at work here its like its all 1 big boooooobie factorie and one day all the bobies desided too leave their day jobs and slam onto some woman cause those thing are huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUuuuuuge I mean COME ON1111 they must have back issues or somthin cause i know this one lady and her name is sarah and her boobies are so big she always complains about her back and im liek bitch STFU and then she doesn return my calls and i miss her so much why do she not return my calls gamesoda bayfull?4 am i relly too sexi for my shirt U DSEIDE!
oooOOOoooOOOVODKA!
so i was plain soul california with my buddie once and he was all liek LOL NEWB and i was all LOL NO and we was loln so much he hit me when i started cryin and he was all dud whys you cryin and i was all cuz and he was all cuz y and i was all cryin a lot and shit and then he startd cryin and we was cryin and then he picked the ninja chick and wii stop cryn and he wss all liek booooooobie and i was all like booooooooooooble and he was thrown up an i was lik SHIT SHIT SHIT NOT ON MY TEDDIE BEER COLLECTIONand he was like sorry dud and i hit him a lot why does i have so few frends when i is drinkin god why
one time my friend and i got reeeeal drunk and we were like LETS BE SAMURALS! and then he want and stuck a sword in himself cause i think that’s what samuriskis do when their drunk or somethins
fuck what was i takin about lol yeah so soul brothers is liek the best beer evar and i suggest you drank it lots cause its cheep afffffeorsffqawfbe and costs 10 bucks or somethin i was drnk when i bought it lol itsalotlikeredwinecauseyoudont really liek it until you have it lottts kinda like sex wth birds first its painful causetheypickup a lot butsoon its like PLEASURECITYWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! oh shit theres like im vomitttttttin like a mother on my keyboard and i rlly want to talk more i just press keys know and send themto paul and he can lol cause i lol him sometimes even rofl if im supr lol lol lol!
btw paul how come u neevr answer mi phoned calls when i wanna go drinkin yer like legal and shits and i need someone to buy my eer not gimme creative outlets like gameberra and just thikin bout it makes me want more BEEEEEEEEEEEER and yeh mi heads funniand i think i need to ley down andbvasdhkv
…Aw, hell. Sorry, GameCola Faythful—I seem to have been drunk writing again. The sad part is that it just happens to be the day of the deadline, and I really do not have time to double-check my work as the deadline’s kinda in 10 seconds and looking at the screen with a hangover like I’ve got is really going to kill me. So, uh. Go buy Soul Calibur pronto! There’s no online, yeah, but it’s still one of the best fighters ever, and it may help you overcome your drinking issues someday, too!5
1. Although I am still wearing that funny looking hat with the fur and everything. I gotta keep my head warm somehow!
2. I do want to thank 16-year-old Zach Rich for his contributions to the previous issue. A Web site that reviews old videogames should only be written by people who live in the past, but it is so hard to come by people who live in the past these days.
3. And Project Sylpheed?! I’ll kill the bugger who reviews what I’ve already reviewed!
4. SARAH IM RLY SORRRRRY FOR EVERYTHIN THAT I DID AND I WILL TRY TO BE BETTER ITS JUST THAT I GET SOOOOOOOO DRUNK AND WITHOUT THOSE BOOBS AND YOUR LONG HAIR AND YOUR OTHER WOMAN THINGS YOU REEEEEEEEEEEEALLLY DDO LOOK LIKE A MEN FROM THAT STATE I GET WHEN I IS DRUNK A LOT
5. I only say this because I’m assuming that anyone reading at this point is, too, an alcoholic.
