Final Fantasy Sucks is a game I got because everyone says it’s the greatest game ever. Or maybe they mean Final Fantasy Four. Final Fantasy Five? I can’t keep these crappy games straight.
Unfortunately, this game is nothing but a carbon copy of the first Final Fantasy game. Which, for the record, sucks. All you do is wander around until you find a town/dungeon, fighting enemies that randomly appear. Then the cycle repeats about twenty times until you beat the final boss. Boring. Boring. Boring. All you have to do is play for ten minutes in order to get the full experience of the game.
How is this possible? How can people love such a crappy, plotless, pointless game? I must have gotten a bad copy of the game or something like that. And, as it turns out, the person I bought the game from got busted for selling illegally-made copies of FFVI. So I’m praying that I got a port of Final Fantasy II. I didn’t, of course, and everyone loves this game just because it has “Final Fantasy” in the title, but still. I can pretend that the fact the game is pure crap actually makes a difference.
The game features your ragtag team of heroes who leave the town and go to a castle, where they’re given a quest to save the world from the evil Lord Voldemort, who hid his Horcruxes in a series of dungeons. You might recognize the plot from every other Final Fantasy game. And every Zelda game, too. Unique plots are not a staple of RPGs.
The battle system is the same piece of crap we’ve seen for the past twenty years. Your only battle options are to attack, item, or run away. Seriously, why do they even bother giving you an attack menu? After all, every battle is exactly the same because the only attack you can choose is “attack.” Well, not unless you picked to play as a wussy mage at the start of the game, that is. You don’t get the wussy mage option in this game, however.
The battle system has been updated to “real time.” This means you have to wait five seconds after every attack before you can attack again. This is called “real time” because in “real” fights, people wait five seconds between every attack. Just watch a boxing match if you don’t believe me. No, I’m sorry, I meant that it was realistic in that the enemies don’t sit back and politely wait for you to finish your turn.
Which, as it turns out, is exactly what happens in this game. The enemies attack constantly, instead of waiting for you to choose to attack. Because they, of course, don’t have a five-second time limit. This gives the enemies a completely unfair advantage, in order to ensure that the battles are as sucky as possible.
Ah, but what about the various improvements made for the GBA version of this game, you wonder? Well, the “save everywhere” function used in the other Final Fantasy GBA games has been abandoned in favor of save points. This prevents gamers from “cheating” by saving just before a boss, and reloading in case the battle goes badly. Of course, this means that you can play for an hour and have everything get undone, because—ha ha!—the save points are nowhere near the boss fights.
The “updated” graphics suck. Big time. It took me twenty minutes to find the stairs in the castle, because they look identical to the walls. Who the hell on the graphics team made that decision? Freaking morons! I’m giving this game a zero for graphics, now!
The only other GBA update I can think of is the ability to press R and L at the same time to flee a battle. That’s actually a pretty good idea. Like I said earlier, the attack menu in this game is crap, so they could have easily expanded this idea by making B button “attack” and A button “use item.” The battles would still suck, but at least they’d be over more quickly.
They probably included an extra dungeon, but I never bothered to get that far. I only played for a few hours before setting it on fire and dunking my DS in holy water to get the crap out. In conclusion, this game sucks. If you want to play it for the experience, play Final Fantasy 1 instead, because the two games are exactly the same, and FFI is cheaper.
