One of My Less-Good Ideas of the Month:
Reviewing Hentai Games
Hi folks,
I’ve been wondering lately, over the last 17 months or so, what direction I should take my GameCola work in. You see, I’ve never been a huge fan of my reviews, finding a lot of them boring, among other things. So I thought, what have I done that’s actually been interesting? And then it dawned on me: One of my most popular reviews of all time was of Jewel Knights Crusaders, a PC game in a…specific genre, which was given to me as a gift by our own Editor-in-Chief, Paul Franzen.
To reiterate: The only reason I own that game is because Paul bought it for me.
So, my idea: I figured, why not cash in on this free popularity, and review nothing but perverted hentai games? I can see no possible downfall here. And this is where you come in, dear readers. I’m going to provide a link to JAST, the website I only know about thanks to Paul Franzen, and I want you to vote, via a comment, on which game I should review. If you want, you can pick your top 3 (in a specific order, if applicable), and I will calculate accordingly. I will select the top 3 picks as the first games I will review, since I get free shipping if I get three+ games at once. After I review those, however long that takes, I will assess whether this is a good idea that needs to continue.
One caveat: I will have to look at these games in a specific light, judging their quality as games only in comparison to other games in the same genre. You see, I gave Jewel Knights Crusaders a terrible score, because I was comparing it directly to games that are, well, actual games, as opposed to text with naughty pictures. So I don’t end up Watersing up the place with constant low scores, I will start judging these games based on categories such as eroticism…and I guess nothing else.
Anyway, go to the site (http://www.jastusa.com/shop/), post a comment, and make sure I immediately regret this decision.
Tenderly Yours,
M.J.R. Gardner
I'd rather do as I please than have too many fleas. 
Um, how about you review some REAL games that actually have some redeeming qualities instead of just smut?
I vote for:
1. Absolute Obedience
2. Bible Black
3. Bazooka Cafe
I’m totally interested in these reviews, and as a fellow Matt, I can understand how you came to your decision. If you’re not reviewing True Love and Line Shooting Spirits, mind if I do those? *snicker*
Am I allowed to vote? I’m allowed to vote, right? I think that we can ALL agree that my number one is a must-review:
1. Water Closet: The Forbidden Chamber
2. Princess Waltz
3. Slave Pageant
bad move!
1) Absolute Obedience
2) Falsely Accused: Enzai
3) Yo-Jin-Bo – The Bodyguards
I highly doubt you ever recover!
((Yo Jin Bo is NOT an Eroge. It has no sexual content at all, I should know. I own it. Nothing from Hirameki has sexual content.))
1) Yume Miru Kusuri
2) Family Project
3) Absolute Obedience
While the notion is an entertaining one, I’m with Loruxz25; the last thing we need is to change our slogan to, “GameCola: The Internet’s #1 Source for Hentai Games Reviewed by Matt Gardner.”
You actually just sold me on the other direction, Nathaniel; that’s a great slogan!
@Loruxz25
Look through the comments; you’re in the minority here. I understand this stuff isn’t for everyone, but see that some people like this idea, and cool it with the snotty comments.
@Matt Jonas
If those two don’t get voted for, I won’t be reviewing them, so feel free. Also, VOTE!
@Paul
Of course you can vote. I didn’t even disqualify myself from voting.
@Nathaniel
AWESOME slogan!
1. Lightning Warrior Raidy
2. Bible Black
3. Lightning Warrior Raidy II: ~Temple of Desire~
Seriously, stop voting for Absolute Obedience.
1) Lightning Warrior Raidy
2) Cat Girl Alliance
3) Bible Black
Female cats ftw. Also, why does no one else pick the 3D RPG ones Matt picked (Lightning Warrior Raidy)? Those actually sound like real games!
Solid point, Terrence.
I notice a lot of picks (ERIC!) from just the main shop page. Don’t forget that you can click the “open/close drawer” and “jump to brand page” links to view more products. There are a lot of games there.
how DARE you insult my good selections, sir! HOW DARE YOU.
however in the light of recent information I would now like to vote
1) X-Change 3
2) Lighting Warrior Raidy
3) Bazooka Cafe
@Eric
It’s clearly not my fault you didn’t spend more than 15 seconds looking over the site, initially! P.S. How am I supposed to play X-Change 3 when I haven’t played the first two?! I’ll be totally lost in the story!
@Matt
Actually, I think the reason I picked Jewel Knight Crusaders before was because it sounded like a “real game.” I’m not sure we can trust the descriptions from this site.
for the record, I put great care and thought into my votes and voted for them because they contained either comically large breasts, satanic tentacle rape or a whole lotta gay.
Also, if I may defend the idea for this article – I think it could be damn funny. Besides, doing an article on these games is not a tacit endorsement of them. I’ve disliked probably 80% of the games I’ve ever written about here.
@Paul
That was Terrence who said that! Although, I definitely did pick those games because they said 3D RPG in the description.
@Christian
Actually, I’m pretty sure it was only Eric who spent 15 seconds and didn’t look at anything off the first page.
Okay, I vote:
1. Bible Black
2. Discipline: Record of the Crusade
3. Water Closet: The Forbidden Chamber
I lol’d at the name of the third one. My vote was mostly Hirameki stuff, so thanks to Bane for letting me know they’d have been wasted votes, so I’ve gone for mostly Kitty Media. Who *doesn’t* know what Bible Black is?
@Matt Jonas
Yes, thanks to Bane for setting us straight (and then gay when he voted for Absolute Obedience)! Also, I don’t really know what Bible Black is, but it’s supposedly acclaimed, and was on a list already, so I voted for it.
For the record, I believe the current top 3 are Bible Black, Lightning Warrior Raidy, and then a tie between Absolute Obedience and Water Closet. There’s still a chance for others, such as Yume Miru Kusuri or X-Change 3, to make it to the top 3, though.
I agree with Christian that the idea has the potential to be very funny, and there’s clearly an interest for it. I concede that reviewing a game doesn’t necessarily mean you’re endorsing it, but the names of these games don’t always indicate what they’re about, and I can imagine a reader–even one who’s come to expect certain things from us–stumbling into a review and getting exposed to something they or their parents would’ve preferred to avoid.
I’d just be cautious about making this a regular feature–at least in America, sex and nudity tend to be way more taboo than violence and foul language, and having a hentai game review pop up on the main screen every so often is an easy way to keep GameCola from being work-safe, school-safe, or shared-family-computer-safe, which could ultimately reduce our readership (or attract a completely different crowd at their expense).
@Nathaniel
I understand your concern. Paul and I have already discussed this, and hopefully I have a few points that will put your mind at ease:
1. I’m not going to put any explicit image as the first image in the article (and thus the main-page image). They will likely be similar to the JKC image in this article, which, in my opinion, is not much worse than things you see in non-hentai, anime-styled games.
2. There will be a disclaimer, as we’ve done in the past, warning readers about the content. If there happen to be overly explicit images, which I don’t think I’d use in the first place, I’ll add to the disclaimer as needed.
This should be enough to ensure that no one unwittingly stumbles into my reviews. If I find out that the majority of our readership is offended, I will definitely not ignore that.
Personally, though, I think our readers are mature enough to see this for what it is: An amusing concept article about my reactions to hentai games, moreso than an endorsement or exploration of hentai itself.
It looks like votes have tapered off, so I’m about ready to call this one. There are two overwhelming leaders, but I will need a tiebreaker.
First, to explain how I calculated the votes: I go by a points system, as well as number of votes. First choices are worth three points, second two, third one. Then, if there is a tie, it goes to the one with more votes. E.g. Bible Black and Lighting Warrior Raidy both have 8 points, based on their votes. BB is #1, however, because 4 people voted for it, where only 3 voted for LWR. Make sense?
Leaderboard:
Bible Black: 8 points (4 votes)
Lightning Warrior Raidy: 8 points (3 votes)
TIE! Both Water Closet and Absolute Obedience: 4 points (2 votes)
Runners up! Both Yume Miru Kusuri and X-Change 3: 3 points (1 vote)
Everything else is basically out. Sadly for Bazooka Cafe, it had 2 votes, but only 2 points. BB and LWR are definites, but I’d like you all to vote (even if you already did) to break this tie. This time, just a single name will do. If you have a compelling argument, you also may vote for one of the runners up. I will give this probably to the end of the week, and then announce the final winner:
Winners (probably the order I’ll review them):
1st: Bible Black
2nd: Lightning Warrior Raidy
3rd: ???
Water Closet. Has to be Water Closet.
Water Closet!
Such a hard decision. I’m sticking with Absolute Obedience but won’t be sad if Water Closet wins.
Fair enough, Matt. You may go ahead and tie your hens, if you have to.
Thank you Nathaniel. Although, I don’t know what that expression means.
The winning three are:
1. Bible Black
2. Lightning Warrior Raidy
3. Water Closet: The Forbidden Chamber
I’ve ordered these, and will play/review them in that order once they arrive. At the end of the last one, I will ask everyone (including myself) to post their feelings on whether this should continue, or whether Nathaniel was right and this is a terrible idea that should be stopped. Thanks all for your participation!