[NSFW] Gamera Obscura: Uncle Poo

[NSFW] Gamera Obscura: Uncle Poo

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Over 8 million people purchased Halo 3. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas sold a whopping 12 million. And Nintendo can’t defecate out Pokémon and “Wii Insert Random Thing To Do Here” games fast enough to completely satisfy the masses. But with all these amazing successes, there have been numerous games and even complete series that have fallen to the wayside. Remember: for every Super Mario Bros., there’s a Shutokou Battle 2: Drift King Keichii Tsuchiya & Masaaki Bandoh. As a proud gamer, I feel that it is my privilege—nay, my duty—to take some time and offer a brief glimpse at many of the games that disappeared into bargain bins and trash bins alike due to overshadowing from more prominent titles, as well as titles that will forever remain sequestered within one region of the world. You’d better be prepared to be educated a little, because there is much that you haven’t seen.

April 2011: Uncle Poo

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UNGGGHH…

What’s the matter, my uppercase patron? Did you sit on something unpleasant again?

NO…I JUST ATE AT TACO BELL…I DON’T THINK I…HAVE MUCH…TIME LEFT…

Oh dear! This is terrible! You may not have enough time for this month’s obscure videogame!

YOU’RE RIGHT—I GUESS MY IMPENDING DEATH HAS A HAPPY ENDING!

Well, perhaps I can help to revive you. Where does it hurt, my friend?

RIGHT IN THE ABDOMINAL AREA…OOOO…I FEEL LIKE THE POLICE HAVE PLACED AN UNNECESSARY BLOCKAGE DOWN THERE! OOOO…

Hmmm, well, as luck would have it, perhaps I have just the game this month that could jar some of that Volcano Menu free. Please welcome into the “Gamera Obscura” Hall of Fame…”Uncle Poo”!

UNCLE POO?! OHHH…

OK, you just writhe in agony there while I tell the folks about it. And hey, maybe your body will get a few ideas and cut you some slack.

Uncle Poo was released for the arcades in 1983 by a company known as Diatec. No, not Diarrhea-tec, just Diatec. The company wasn’t very popular; heck, it was probably just some 15-year-old kid in his basement fiddling with a keyboard and a dirty mind. Plus there are no other Diatec games out there…did Uncle Poo not bring in excellent profits? I’m shocked.

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Anyway, I can’t exactly explain what’s medically wrong with the main character, but it appears that he picked up the nickname of “Uncle Poo” with good reason. His only goal is to run through a rather lengthy maze, collecting treasures while avoiding the oncoming flow of water that will injure him somehow. (Is this water from an overflowing toilet? Who knows!) If you don’t collect ALL the treasures on your first pass through the maze, it will loop continuously until you grab every last bit of loot.

“But,” asks the avid GameCola afficionado who loves “Gamera Obscura” articles more than their own spouse or mint-condition Star Trek figurines, “where’s the defecation?! Come on, give us the defecation!!”

I SURE COULD USE SOME OF THAT DEFECATION…

Well, wait no longer. There are little creatures running around the maze, hellbent on taking out Uncle Poo! But he has a secret weapon, the strength of which is beyond anything the world has ever known…the power of poofing! Sorry, no ACTUAL feces are available. The products of his rectal cavity serve three functions: to defeat enemies (as they often do in real life), to break rocks that are blocking his path, and to give him a boost while running around. In other words, use that “poo power” to survive!

WELL, IS IT WORTH FINDING?

Hell no. The game is crappy, pardon my pun.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, I GUESS I’LL JUST AVOID PLAYING—ACK!! HERE IT COMES! OHHH, I’M A GONER!!! OHHHH!!!

Hang on, buddy! You’re going to make it, I know you will! You have to hold on, not just for me, but for every videogame fanatic out there who ever wanted to expand their palette with games beyond those found in their local GameStops! You can do it! I believe in–

–OH, IT WAS JUST GAS.

Oh…well, these things happen.

TUNE IN NEXT MONTH FOR ANOTHER EXCITING ADVENTURE IN THE WORLD OF VIDEOGAME OBSCURITY!

That’s right! And we apologize for all the filthy humour in this month’s feature. We promise that next month’s article will be cleaner. In the meantime, check out all the other articles on GameCola that have suddenly been deemed NSFW (not safe for work)…which is now all of them.


Article rating: 8.40 BEARDS out of 10

About the Author

Jeff is quite the character. When not leveling up or gloating about how awesome Mega Man is, he's writing about leveling up and how awesome Mega Man is! He also upholds random.access, a varied-topic website about random things!
Email: jday@gamecola.net

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