This classic GameCola article was originally published in March 2006.
If youâ€™re reading this, Iâ€™m just a scientist. Iâ€™m no goddamn superhero or bulked-up super-soldier. I was just flying over Jurassic Park, looking to do some research after the horrible events of that mediocre movie and its two shitty sequels. Then, my helicopter crashed. Iâ€™ll have to go into the mansion outside Raccoon Ciâ€“wait, hold up. Wrong helicopter crash, wrong game.
Anyway, Iâ€™m going to finish my mission. No, this isnâ€™t a side-scrolling shoot-’em-up mission like on the Genesis and SNES. This piece of shit game was built from the ground up to utilize the completely useless full-motion video capabilities of the Sega CD. Therefore, itâ€™s a fucking MYST clone. Point-and-click. How will I survive this hell? Iâ€™m just going to write it all down and hope someone, somewhere in the future will find this and pray to the gods aboveâ€”PRAY!â€”that the dickheads who ran Sega of America during the Sega CD’s time and chose not to import awesome games from Japan but sink all their money into full-motion video shit (digital pictures?!) got their just due.
March 7, 19XX
Not sure about the date. I was out for awhile. My entire crew is dead. Somebody shot down our chopper. InGen? Maybe. I just got back. Hereâ€™s what happened: I moved my cursor around and noticed that as it went over the helicopter door, it turned into a giant “hand.” I collected my items from the ‘copter and thought back to what Iâ€™d seen flying in. The island was in ruins and had noÂ discernibleÂ human life. OK, so Iâ€™d crashed between Jurassic Park and The Lost World, then. God, I hated the Lost World.
Anyway, as I looked to my right, the screen scrolled and a cave was revealed. My cursor turned into an arrow. I hit the “A” button andâ€”holy shit! The screen changed into a full-motion video from the cameraâ€™s point of view, as it hurtled down the road at approximately 2,000 miles per hour. And suddenly, I was at the Visitorâ€™s Center. You remember the one, with the giant tyrannosaurus skeleton and the banner that says “WHEN DINOSAURS RULED THE EARTH.” Everything looked so grainy. Must be the Sega CDâ€™s limited 64-color palette.
Anyway, I went up the stairs to what looked like some computer room. I clicked on the monitor and a live feed went up. A lady was there.
“Hello. Iâ€™m Dr. Emily Shamara,” the woman said.
“Help!” I screamed. “My helicopter crashed and Iâ€™m stuck on this crappy island in this horrible game!”
“Your helicopter has crashed,” she responded.
“I just said that, you bitch! Send in the fucking army or something!”
“Weâ€™re going to need you to finish the job you started. Weâ€™ll need one egg from each species of dinosaur on Jurassic Park,” she said.
“What? By myself? Fuck that! You come down here and get your own damn eggs! Didnâ€™t you see those movies? Everybody dies!”
“Good luck, professor. Iâ€™ll be in touch.” The screen faded to black.
Itâ€™s like she hadnâ€™t heard a single word I said. In anger, I went into my inventory and selected the rock I had picked up earlier and used it on the computer, not really expecting anything to happen. All of the sudden, Iâ€™m running from the center as warning bells scream and sirens wail. The entire Visitorâ€™s Center comes crashing down, and Iâ€™m crushed to death. Game over. Thatâ€™s poor building design right there, if one rock can bring the whole goddamn thing crashing down.
March 9, 19XX
Thank god I brought an FAQ with me. Iâ€™d never get through this piece of garbage otherwise. I was aimlessly wandering earlier when I ran into the sprites of a poorly animated little red dinosaur. Consulting my guide, it told me to equip my stunner (essentially a stun-gun cattle-prod kinda thing that looks like it shoots Cocoa Puffs). Feeling sorry for the dinosaur’s lack of frames, I shot it square in the ass. The thing jumped straight up in the air and then booked it away from me. Feeling triumphant, I followed.
The screen changed as I plowed forward, and when my vision focused again I was facing new dinosaurs. You remember: the ones that killed the fat guy from Seinfeld in the first movie.
I shot it with my Cocoa Puff gun, and it whipped out a bowl of milk and a spoon and made a delicious breakfast out of my bullets. It ate a complete and balanced breakfast and then laughed at me. Then it spat acid, killing me instantly.
March 10, 19XX
I decided to try a new tactic. See, all around Jurassic Park were these little video monitors with silhouettes of dinosaurs on them. Earlier today, I decided to click on one. Instantly, a fat, bearded Harry Knowles-looking guy popped up.
“Help!” I screamed. “Iâ€™m stuck on this island and that bitch Emily Shamara wonâ€™t help me!”
“The velociraptor is a vicious dinosaur! It can shred meat inâ€“”
“Fuck, donâ€™t tell me how scary the dinosaurs are! I already know that!” But as he rambled on, I saw that there would be no help there. I didnâ€™t know whether to be more afraid of the dinosaurs on this island or this fat, pompous, dino fact-spewing condescending asshole. Iâ€™ll tell you this: I was mightily bothered by the fact that nobody seemed to give a rat shit that I was stuck on this island. For people who wanted me to collect all their precious eggs, it seemed like a bit of a tactical error on their part.
March 13, 19XX
Lots of things have happened in the last few days. I found a working tram. I got my ass kicked by thirteen different species of dinosaur. I died 634 times because my Cocoa Puff gun is a piece of shit. I distracted a tyrannosaurus in her nest with a bear horn and stole her babies. I made endless trips back to the Visitorâ€™s Center to deposit my eggs into incubators and try to end the misery of this game.
Itâ€™s cold and lonely here in Jurassic Park. While I wait for a rescue that will never come, I think of things. Like how cool Jurassic Park was in 1993, and how badly it sucks now. How I canâ€™t believe people spent $300 on the Sega CD (coincidentallyÂ enough, right around 1993), and how pissed they must have been a few months later, when all they had to chose from was garbage like this and Corpse Killer. How nobody has been able to make a good Jurassic Park game, even with such an awesome and solid premise already in place. How I seem to have an ass-load of crappy point-and-click games in my Sega CD library, and how I donâ€™t remember buying them.
I can hear the distant honks and roars of several different dinosaurs. It does not make for a pleasant and sound sleep at night.
My deadline is up tomorrow; I have to have this journal completed. I swear Iâ€™m getting off this island, somehow. And when I do, Iâ€™m going to find that fat paleontologist Robert Bakker and that stupid whore Emily Shamara and stick their asses in the T-rex nest covered in a tasty marinade.
Wait, whatâ€™s that noise? As Iâ€™m writing this thereâ€™s some kind of disturbance in the bushes across from me. Maybe itâ€™s a kitty, or a better game. Iâ€™m going to investigate. Iâ€™ll just be aâ€“AIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE !!
YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: