[NSFW] Mario Adventure (PC)

Let’s set the record straight: Your memory has not betrayed you. Mario Adventure is NOT a licensed NES game. It is a semi-recent ROM hack. Let fire and brimstone consume me…

We all know what a ROM is, right? In the gaming world, it is a filthy word referring to an emulated version of a physical game rendered on another device. (Most commonly, a computer.) Among other less legal things, ROMs offer us the rare chance to play games not generally seen or played by the public. Obscure games or games that never made it to your particular continent can now be experienced with a simple download.

Even if you’re not good enough, or Asian enough, to get the game legitimately.

ROM hacks are exactly what they sound like—modified versions of games. Whenever I think of a ROM hack, I think of a graphical sprite change that offers more or less the same gaming experience as the original. Some common ROM hacks are meant to help fix glitches, change difficulty levels, correct translation issues, or add the most vile and depraved pornographic and racist content imaginable to games.

And bright futures were had all around.

Very rarely, a ROM hack will be an entirely new game. Even more rarely, this game is cleverly conceived and executed. But when it does happen–

“Hold on to yo’ butts!”- George Washington.

Raise that red curtain once more for Super Mario Bros. 3: the “sequel,” Mario Adventure!

Seems legit.

Right away, the game scores some major points for using graphics from THE Super Mario Bros. 3. The effect is a mixture of nostalgia and novelty that is sure to tickle quite a few of your pickles.

Oh, I almost forgot—I played this game on my laptop, streaming via HDMI to my television, being controlled by a USB NES controller that can be purchased here. So in the toxic technological claustrophobia that is my living room, the experience was pretty damn close to authentic.

How I felt.

After I started the game, I noticed that the overworld looks a lot like the warp zone world from SMB3. Seems to be quite a few levels to choose from. The map consists of 100% original content. The player can also pick whichever world they want to start on.

I eagerly started my journey in Level 1 of the Koopa Plains. I’m running, I’m jumping, I’m…dead. Damn.

This game is as tough as Hilary Clinton’s balls. I wasn’t prepared for such merciless difficulty. All at once, I had an appreciation for the flawless level design of Shigeru Miyamoto I enjoyed from the prior Mario games. His level structure’s pacing would gently ease the player in for the first few levels until they were ready. Then, and only then, were they prepared for it to get harder and more aggressive. He is the Barry White of videogames.

Yes, this is a real product. No, I don’t have any more to share.

Wow, that got dark. Anyway I realized quite a few things about this game at that moment.

1. This is not meant to be a brand-new game. Although I already knew that, I realized that this game essentially starts at level “9-1” and is not a reset of the difficulty curve. If you are not a seasoned Mario Master, then turn back now.

2. There is no life system. WHAT!!!! No 1-Ups? No continues? No holding “A+Start” to never have to restart the game? NOPE. The game is a challenge without it, trust me. Coins are instead used to purchase new power-ups from the mushroom huts.

Looks like even the Mushroom Kingdom isn’t recession proof.

3. This is a game made for the adult versions of us. Playing SMB3 today is still fun and perhaps even a bit challenging. However, it was primarily made for children. When I play it, I feel like a kid again. (And not in a Michael Jackson way.) I feel the nostalgia in full force. But I’m not creating any new memories. I know where practically every secret in the game is with no surprises. Frog Mario is still the best suit. Crouching over white blocks lets you fall behind the scenes. I could go on. But Mario Adventure is a fresh experience that is clearly an open love letter to Nintendo from a fan and for the fans.

When I restarted the level, I began making the game my bitch. This was war. What was just a sunny level had turned into a dark and stormy level. Huh? The weather patterns change from level to level. This new feature reminded me of Dizzy.

The main objective is to collect all the keys in the game. There is one key hidden per world. The final level of each world is a boss-style warship or tank army that is similar to SMB3. When you beat the Koopa kid, the king still gives you a letter from the princess, only this time, the contents offer a clue as to where to find the key. The clue can be something cryptic like “the key is toward the end of a level between two hills.” Great.

Then, the player is warped back to the warp zone overworld, where they can move on to the next world, or replay the one they just beat to try to find the key. It is honestly a bit tedious. This is the real difficulty of the game. (Luckily there’s a save system.)

The enemies never ceased to shock me as their horrifying differences from their canon counterparts began to emerge. A Shyguy that turns into a coin to attack? Boos now go completely invisible and chase the shit out of you. Oh, and remember how the end of each standard level in SMB3 had that black background and that spinning cube to hit? Let’s replace that with at least one Boom-Boom boss that hits you, instead. My palms began to sweat as I realized how much I was going to love/hate this game.

With so many new enemies, what new provisions are there? Well (*cracks knuckles*), kiss most of your old SMB3 wardrobe goodbye.

While the Frog Suit is disagreeably not featured in this game, Raccoon and Fireball Mario are still present. However, Fireball Mario has “gotten his nails did.” This version of the suit can jump much higher than regular Mario. Plus the fireballs shoot straight now! Wowee zowee. It actually outperforms the Raccoon Suit in usability.

The rest of the suits are even cooler. Like Magic Mario—which lets Mario shoot magic out of his fucking hands! Also, instead of losing the suit after touching an enemy, it takes three hits to lose the suit.

Apparently, this is what Google Images thinks “Magic Mario” looks like.

…It doesn’t.

But it IS what tonight’s nightmares will look like.

I won’t spoil all the “suit-prises,” but I have got to mention one more. The coolest power-up ever featured in a Mario game. I’ll give you a hint: This power-up appears in only one level of SMB3, and you probably killed Mario on purpose just to use it again. Let’s hear it for the one, and only, Kuribo’s Shoe!

The interesting thing about this power-up in SMB3 is the fact that, at least in terms of the story, it was never meant for Mario. It belonged to a goomba, right? In fact, “Kuribo” is “goomba” in Japanese.

And Mario was like “Damn! That’s a mighty fine lookin’ shoe you got there, goomba.” And the goomba, let’s call him Bobby, was all like “Shit! It’s mine! And if you try to stomp on me, my shoe will die with me and disappear!” So, clever Mario decides to go underneath Bobby and jump directly under the poor goomba, killing him instantly and leaving the shoe unattended.

Then Mario took Bobby’s prized possession, one fucking shoe—the only possession any goomba has had, ever. Mario used that shoe for another 30 seconds before discarding it after the end of the level.

The end.

This is one of the things about Mario Adventure that really make it a “must play.” The shoe is a great addition to the other power-ups.

I mean, c-mon!

Playing with the shoe as a common, viable tool makes me wonder why it was so underused in SMB3. Was it because Nintendo was afraid this might someday happen?

Please DON’T wiggle your big toe.

The player can not only have a spare power-up (like in Super Mario World), but now they can switch between them at will. I found this feature to be extremely useful. The power-up swapping feature turns into a Swiss Army Knife of sorts for the player. I found myself switching between power-ups several times a level to complete it efficiently.

As the player progresses through the huge game, the worlds and settings vary significantly. All of the typical elemental style levels are present. However, they are all fresh and creatively executed beyond all expectations. I found myself excited to see what came next. I was not disappointed. These levels are expertly crafted. Many of them can easily be passed off as official works of Nintendo. The game walks a thin line with a difficulty level that challenges and encourages simultaneously. The creativity cannot be over-expressed.

For example, one of the worlds is called “Colossal Classics.” Using the “big world” (Level 4) mechanics from SMB3, the game offers giant versions of classic Mario levels. The effect is incredible.

Shut up and take my money!

The game does have a few issues. For example, there are a few glitches that can happen at random. With fan-made games, that should be expected. Also, the sprites are sometimes translated incorrectly, making them look like shapeless balls of nothing. Some of the design choices are questionable, too. For example, I was not a fan of the new look of the coins. They rotate now. It makes any given scene feel too busy and complicated. Finally, the weather changes are annoying as fuck. After the initial novelty wears off, I found the four random weather patterns to be a nuisance. And since there is no life system, I wound up killing myself on purpose just to avoid the snow level, which makes all the surfaces needlessly slippery. That being said, these gripes feel minor in the scope of the rest of the experience.

In all, no self-respecting Mario fan should pass this one up. I found it much more enjoyable than even the New Super Mario Bros. that I was playing around the same time. It has such a unique feeling associated with it. I want to call it a “new nostalgia,” or “newstalgia.” It takes my fond memories of SMB3 and injects a fresh dose of excitement, surprise, and challenge.

In closing, download the damn thing at least. If you’re a purist who refuses to play any “NES” game on anything but an NES—well, guess what?

There are actual cartridge copies apparently floating around the Interwebs.

Let me know if any of you squirts can hunt one down. 

[NSFW] Corridor 7: Alien Invasion (PC) [NSFW] Batman & Robin (PS1) [NSFW] Shadow Warrior (PC) [NSFW] Why Am I Dead? (PC)