Table of Contents
I. Dear Readers II. Submissions III. Carbonated News IV. Reviews!       A. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles:             Fall of the Foot Clan (GBO)       B. Radical Rex (SG)       C. Kirby's Dream Course (SNES)       D. Rampage Puzzle Attack (GBA)        E. .hack//QUARANTINE           - Part 4 (PS2)       F. MegaMan Zero 3 (GBA)       V. Your Top 10 Favorite        Video Games VI. The "Name that Contest" Contest! VII. The Gates of Life VIII. Captain Eric's Super Thumb          Feature Presentation IX. Versus Mode X. Geoff Wastes a Minute of Your Time XI. Digital Championship Wrestling XII. Great Moments in Gaming XIII. ... of the Month

Starring:
Also Featuring: Richard Franzen, Nate Sawoar, and Geoff Osman

I. Dear Readers, 

    Like everybody else in the world who owns an Xbox, I've recently purchased, played, and completed Fable.  The game took me just over eleven hours to complete, which means that I was paying about five dollars per hour to wave at pretty girls and punch small children in the face.  Some people may be annoyed by this, but to me, it's a godsend -- I rarely am able to get through one of these 80 hour RPGs without multiple breaks to play other games, so being able to actually complete a game without being distracted by something else is a rarity.  Plus, since the game's so short, I'm much more likely to play it again and forge a new hero's path.  Perhaps one with more child punching.

    On a slightly different note -- I mentioned last month that our big January issue is coming up soon, right?   And I said something about how I'd appreciate it if you guys would send us your reviews, top ten lists, and souls?  There's one thing I left out.  You may recall how last year we started a few new features in the Janish -- specifically, "You Learn Something New Every Play" and "Preserving the Plastic".  If anyone reading this would love to write such an article, we'd love to have you.  Bonus points if you already have an idea in mind, but we've got a few on deck that I'd rather not make public just yet.

    So if you're interested in joining the GameCola staff to write a monthly feature about something or another, drop me a line at pfranzen@gamecola.net.  Chances are that as long as you've successfully graduated from middle school, we'll have something for you. 

Paul Franzen
Editor-in-Chief
e-mail: pfranzen@gamecola.net

II. 

Letters:

Let me get this straight - there is a TV award show for video games?!?! Now that's got to be a highly rated show for Spike. The only thing more exciting than watching someone else play video games is watching someone else get an award for playing video games. But you are right that Snoop Dog is probably not the best host for such an event - I have to think he would just flat out scare most video game players. I don't think the video game crowd hangs out much with the hip hop guys.

- Richard Franzen

- Last year Spike TV aired the first of its annual "Video Game Awards", and it was one of the most awful things I've ever seen on television. Spike TV was trying to appeal to two audiences with one show -- hip hop fans and video game fans -- but the problem was the show ended up appealing to neither group. Well, actually, I can't say for sure that the rap folk didn't enjoy seeing their favorite artists perform, but I know the video game crowd was none too pleased that they had to sit through all that crap just to see that Madden was crowned "Game of the Year". 

Needless to say, I'll be watching it again this year, just to see how awful it can get.

Artwork:

- Eric Regan

III. 

• Last time I was playing PlayStation 2's Way of the Samurai, I got myself thinking... "well, this is nice and all, but wouldn't Way of the Samurai be just a bit more rockin' if it featured less samurai's?".  Apparently, I'm not the only one who's following that line of thinking, as the next game in this series is to be set in the Old West.  Tentatively referred to as "Samurai Western", Spike's upcoming free-roaming adventure title will take place in the 19th century's American west, and will follow the story of a young samurai traveling to the States in search of his older brother.  The game is currently scheduled to be released in Japan this winter, but no American release date has yet been assigned.
  
  

• The real world hasn't been the only one mourning the recent lost of Christopher Reeve -- an in-game memorial was held for the fallen actor in City of Heroes, the MMORPG with a superhero twist.  In full hero garb, players of the PC title gathered and saluted the champion of spinal cord research, taking several moments of their time to remember the man who played Superman.  It's a shame that stories like this get much less publicity than the dozens upon dozens of parents who blame Grand Theft Auto for their kids' being violent dunderheads.
  
  

• If you loved Legend of the Mystical Ninja on Super Nintendo, and are at all thinking about purchasing Nintendo's upcoming Dual Screen system, take note -- in 2005, Konami will be putting forth a double visioned installment to the beloved series.  The new title, currently labeled as "Ganbare Goemon", will seemingly be much like the SNES classic, instead of the N64 musical dancing robots 3D thing.  Of course, I'm only making this assumption based on 1) that the game will feature a tobacco pipe as a weapon, and 2) that it'll be for a portable system, which lends itself more to awesome side-scrollers than bizarre platformers.  Technically, I don't even know if the title will be seeing stateside release at all (or that Goemon didn't have a pipe in the N64 version, for that matter), but keep your fingers crossed, okay?
  
  

• Instead of wasting your money on that new Grand Theft Auto title, how about you use it to make a hospitalized kid happy?  Famed online comic Penny Arcade has recently announced the start of their second annual charity event, "Child's Play", which aims to garner toys and video games for children's hospitals.  If you're interested in bringing a smile to someone who could really use it this holiday season, head on over to http://www.childsplaycharity.org/ and do some hardcore donating.
  
  

• It wouldn't be a "Carbonated News" without me mentioning a terrible, terrible idea that someone in the video game industry has come up with, and I'm not about to fail you yet.  The offer expired just a few days ago, but the absolute ridiculousness of this "deal" makes it worth mentioning: for a limited time that has already ended, you could have traded in your PlayStation 2 and five non-sports titles to EB Games, and gotten in return.... a slimmer version of the PlayStation 2.  That's right!  For the price of only a near half-dozen PS2 titles, and the console itself, you could get a version of the console whose main feature is that it takes up less space.  Well, that and that it doesn't support the PS2 hard drive.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have to unload this t-shirt and five pairs of underwear so I can get the same t-shirt in a smaller size. 

 Paul Franzen

IV.

    For those wondering how our review ratings work, it'd be a good idea to read this before moving ahead to the reviews.

    Our crack review squad^* has chosen the five attributes that we feel determine the overall quality of a video game, which are:

• Fun - the overall enjoyment experienced in playing a video game,

• Audio - the music and sound effects of a video game,

• Controls - the physical means by which a video game is played,

• Visuals - the graphical aesthetics of a video game, and 

• Replay Value - a video game's worth in playing after completion.

Other attributes such as gameplay, story, difficulty, and concept are not individually rated, for they can all be worked into one or more of the above categories.

    Each attribute is rated with a numerical value ranging from 0 to 10, with 0 being non-existent (which should, theoretically, never be used, based on what follows), five being average (which is important to remember; many gaming publications use a 5/10 to mean "bad", but here it means "neither good nor bad"), and 10 being perfect (which should, theoretically, never be used; there is no absolute perfect in this industry).  The individual scores are then averaged together, which results in an overall rating of a video game's quality.

     The attributes themselves are rated in comparison with those of video games from the same genre and console as the one being reviewed.  For example, the audio rating of Uncle Worm for the TI-83 Plus Graphing Calculator would be 5 instead of the presumed 0 for having no sound, because it is average of games for that console to have no sound.  In the same light, an RPG that a gamer would want to complete only once would have a Replay Value of 5, while that of an RPG with incentive for multiple plays (such as alternate endings) would rate higher.  One final example, to make sure we're all on the same page: The attributes of Dragon Warrior, an NES RPG, would be rated in comparison with those of (among others) Final Fantasy, an NES RPG, but not with Metroid, an NES Action title, or Kingdom Hearts, a PS2 RPG.

    Got it?  Now you can go ahead and read what we have to say this month.

^{*Paul Franzen was the only member of the crack review squad involved in creating the GameCola ratings system.}

^{Click here to peruse an archive of the games we've reviewed and the scores we've given them.}

A. 

Platform: Game Boy Original
Genre: Side-Scroller
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: N/A
US Release: January 1990
Developer: Konami
Publisher: Ultra Games

    I didn’t think they’d be able to do it, but Konami managed to pack all of the fun of TMNT: The Arcade Game into an itty bitty Game Boy cartridge. Okay, maybe not all of the fun. Most of the fun? Some of the fun? Regardless, it’s a fun game – certainly better than most of the side-scrollers that Game Boy has to offer. I’m telling you right now, if you’re a fan of the old Turtles games, a fan of side-scrollers, or a fan of 80’s cartoons, you should just stop reading right now and pick this game up. Well, what are you waiting for? Hop to it!

    You all know the story by now. Shredded captures April O’Neil, and it’s up to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to rescue her. We’ve seen it a million times over countless cartoons, many video games, and even a couple movies – and yet, we never tire of it. It just doesn’t get old, no matter how many times it’s used. Just like how we’ll never grow bored of helping Mario to save Princess Toadstool from the evil clutches of King Koopa, we gaming sheep will never stop wanting to help Donnie and the boys save April. It just won’t happen. Ever.

    The controls are nice and simple. (Well they’d have to be, considering the original Game Boy only has like two real buttons.) You attack, you jump -- that’s about it. Foot soldiers can be taken out with only one shot, a welcome change from the console titles. You’d think this would make the game a ton easier, and you’d be right – your typical gamer might even be able to make the Foot Clan fall in his first time playing the game. Bosses are easier too – they as well take fewer hits to defeat, though a few more than one. All in all the game’s only five levels long, although the first stage is oddly longer than the others.

    The main difference this game has over its console brethren, aside from the one-hit kills, is that you essentially only have four lives. There’s no "seven continues, with five lives per continue" here in Fall of the Foot Clan – no sir, this game is hardcore! Or, it would be if it wasn’t so difficult to die. However, yes, you essentially only have four lives. You see, every time one of your turtles gets all of his life taken away, he is taken prisoner by Shredder and his gang, never to be seen again. Unlike the first NES turtles game, there is no way to free your captured compadres. Not that it really matters. Unless you suck and manage to die multiple times, you won’t get stuck playing as perennial loser Michelangelo. Just stick with Donatello the whole way and you’ll be fine.

    The graphics of this game aren’t exactly the best for a Game Boy title, but oh well, you can deal. I love the music, though – Konami digitized the classic Turtles theme to perfection, and it plays during several of the game’s levels. And the sound effects aren’t too shabby, either. All told, this game isn’t gonna win any art competitions, but it’ll perk the ears of any fan of the original cartoon.

    Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Fall of the Foot Clan is surprisingly good. I haven’t had much luck with Game Boy side-scrollers and I wasn’t expecting much from this title, but Konami showed me that they can work their magic on even the small screen. I already said to buy this game and there’s no sense in repeating myself… but I will anyway. Buy this game! There, I did it. Now actually go buy the game. I mean it. *sigh* kid’s these days, they never listen to their elders. Ah well, it’s not my fault if you miss out on this killer title. So whatever man – whatever. 

     - Paul Franzen

B. 

Platform: Sega Genesis
Genre: Platformer
# of Players: 1-2
ESRB Rating: N/A
US Release: February 1993
Developer: Beam Software
Publisher: Activision

    Dinosaurs eh? They were rubbish. Big, cumbersome mothers who existed only to eat plants and one another. No wonder they all died out. Now, had they been like THIS dinosaur, they’d have been OK. For this species can skateboard, breathe fire, kick and jump really high. Forget the T-Rex – the only species worth its salt was the Radical Rex.  

    This is (yes) a platformer starring cute gaming hero #443, Radical Rex. Rex is a sweet little chap who needs your help to stop the evil Skritch, a naughty mammal who has hypnotised all of the other dinosaurs into doing something bad… it’s not really specified what.  

    The game handling suffers in being rather floaty. When Rex jumps, he stays in the air longer than he really should, being a dinosaur and all. The buttons are responsive, but some of the placement is a bit pointless. For example, the A button alone is unused, yet you must use UP and A to roar. WHY? The A button has no function, and would have perfectly suited to this action. 

    The levels are enjoyable, a lot of well-executed elements pulling together to make a satisfying whole. The skateboarding is enjoyable, if a little throwaway. Secrets are deviously hidden throughout the game, with rather satisfying rewards (e.g. a giant flame attack… sweet!) Rex is a rather slow-paced critter though, and at times you’ll wish he was Sonic the Hedgehog, zipping around the landscape. Rex travels through the jungle, followed by the swamp, then a lovely trip into a Brontosaurus’ guts… as you can envisage, he gets around. The levels are varied enough to keep you playing, each one delivering several new elements an gameplay mechanics (e.g. the bouncy surfaces in the aforementioned Bronto stage).  

   Not to hard, this – though the lovely twist at the end will make you wince. The difficulty settings significantly change the game, as well – most bosses and several large enemies do not appear on the easier modes. It is this attention which makes Radical Rex enjoyable. 

   The sound is nothing special, though the speech is quite impressive. The music is bouncy and will probably get stuck in your head. Which I guess is a good thing. Repetition gets annoying later on, though.  

   The visuals are… functional. That is not to say they are sub-par, but they just don’t leap out and grab you by the testicles. Which is also probably a good thing. But the point is, they just don’t WOW you, and that’s really important nowadays. The characters are well defined and the enemy sprites crafted well. 

    This game will keep you playing if you tackle hard mode, but once it’s beaten, there’s little incentive to replay. Some of the levels are worth revisiting, but I cannot see any major draw to glue a player to their seat with sheer anticipation. 

    A platformer worth a play – if not a purchase. Give it a try, and see what you’re missing.  

  - Stuart Gipp

C.

Platform: Super Nintendo Entertainment System
Genre: Sports
# of Players: 1-2
ESRB Rating: K-A - Kids-Adults
US Release: February 1995
Developer: HAL Laboratories
Publisher: Nintendo

    Miniature golf can’t be much more fun than when you have Kirby as the ball. Kirby “putts” his way through all of the worlds to reach the final boss, King Dee Dee Dee. Each level is filled with enemies, whose power you can gain after destroying them. It is possible to get a hole-in-one in most, if not all, of the courses.  They just become really hard later on -- for example, having to switch between multiple powers in one turn is not so easy. Kirby is on a course with several other enemies. When he defeats all but one of the foes, that remaining foe becomes the hole. This is a good idea because the hole is not necessarily in the same spot every time. If Kirby swings and misses an enemy, he will lose a fragment of life. So if he keeps missing the bad guys, he will die. 

    There are a wide variety of fiends in Kirby’s Dream Course. He even comes across some bosses from Kirby’s Adventure, like the Sun and Moon, and Krako. Kirby can gain many different abilities, including tornado, fireball, ice, spike, and even the almighty UFO! The music is typical of SNES games, which means that it’s good, but it’s still average. It isn’t as magical of that of Kirby’s Adventure, but the tunes still get stuck in your head easily. 

    Kirby looks exactly like Kirby from the NES; he’s just updated a bit. All of the characters look very good. The courses are checkerboard tiled, and it is easy to see the different levels of elevation. Nothing stands out spectacularly, but I have no complaints, so the game has pretty average graphics.

     Kirby controls like he should. It’s easy to put on a backspin or a frontspin. One hard part is putting a curve on the shot. At least you get a path that shows where he will go. The hardest part is probably putting the right amount of power on shots. You need enough power to get to the hole, but not so much that you fly over it. 

    It’s always fun to see the lowest score you can get, so Kirby’s Dream Course has a huge amount of replay. Competing against friends is always fun, because there are four courses in multiplayer mode. This is a very fun “golf” game. I highly recommend it. 

- Brian Vanek

D. 

Platform: Game Boy Advance
Genre: Puzzle
# of Players: 1-2
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release: October 2001
Developer: Ninai Games
Publisher: Midway

    Sporting an irresistibly colourful box and a tempting budget price, Rampage Puzzle Attack is one of those games that you've probably never heard of, but which catches your eye hidden away in a musty corner of your local game shop. At least, that's what happened to me - a regular occurrence driven by instinct which rarely lets me down. It didn't let me down on this occasion either - the cartridge has now been happily sitting in my beloved GBA for the best part of a week with no sign of budging. 

    See, Rampage Puzzle Attack is a puzzle game (as per the title) - a genre to which I am blissfully addicted. It is a genre which suits the GBA console perfectly; these are games which you can pick up and play for ten minutes here and there just as comfortably as filling an entire lengthy journey with an unashamed playfest. This particular title fits the mold perfectly, being as it is both easy to learn and difficult to complete. You can very simply learn to play this game in seconds, making it an excellent time-filler which is never quite absorbing enough to completely kill your social life. 

    The game play itself is standard puzzle fare. Coloured blocks fall onto other coloured blocks, gradually stacking up towards the top of the screen. The layout involves a series of levels, increasing in difficulty as you progress, each containing a load of blocks in a set pattern at the bottom and a single row of other blocks at the top. Dropping blocks from the top is the key to winning - every now and then, a flashy looking block will appear in the midst of this row, and these are vital to the game. The aim is to clear each level by eliminating the stacked blocks using the correspondingly coloured flashing diamonds to blow up all the blocks of the same colour that they hit. Simply put: flashy blocks blow up non-flashy blocks and non-flashy blocks need to be blown up to win, preferably quite fast. 

    The levels all start with an arrangement of blocks laying at the bottom section of the grid. Blocks of the same colour merge together, and for the purposes of scoring, count as one block. A single row of individual blocks lies at the top of the grid, and you must select a pairing of these to fall to the bottom each time you make a move. You can move single blocks from side to side by manically swapping them with their neighbours to get the pair you want in the required positions, and this is essential to successful play. Fortunately, the controls are extraordinary simple and work very well, which helps tremendously.

    Perhaps the easiest aspect of game play is that the blocks will not fall from the row at the top of the screen down to the playing field below until you direct them to do so. Additionally, since only one mode (I'll get to those later) has a clock ticking down to zero as you play, this means that the game is somewhat lacking in tension, which is usually one of the fundamental aspects of a successful puzzle game, with few exceptions. As it might be therefore expected, this is moderately detrimental to the experience of playing this game, but the rest of the game does manage to go some way to making up for this. 

    There is a decent amount of varied gameplay here to retain the player's interest. In single player mode, there are three different modes (Clear, Rescue and Puzzle) offering different types of challenges revolving around the same basic gameplay premise. Overall, there are fifty levels for each mode, and they are all different - huge for a GBA puzzle game. There is also a two-player mode available, which I have not yet tried. Clear Mode is a standard game whereby the only aim is to remove all blocks from the grid, ideally gaining a nice hefty score in the process. Rescue Mode involves clearing all the blocks from the top of a cage at the bottom of the screen within the allocated time limit - the time limits are set fairly high, although in a couple of levels it is quite easy to make some costly mistakes and a game over in this case is not unknown. Puzzle mode is my own preferred one - you are given a limited quantity of chances to drop blocks from the top, and have to clear all colored blocks within this drop limit, focusing on strategy rather than points. Indeed, there is no timer on screen at all in this mode. 

    Oh, and there are monsters. Why they are included is a little unclear (although this game does have links with an old arcade hit called "Rampage" which involved them)... They add nothing to the game whatsoever, although they do provide a convenient thing to rescue when playing in Rescue Mode. It would have worked just as well with alpacas, to be honest. In fact, I'd have really preferred them. Such charming creatures. Nice to see a story in a puzzle game though - they're always so half-hearted and tacked-on that they're really an amusing feature once you stop paying any real attention to them. Since this doesn't need a story at all, it's something of a gesture on the developers' part to put on in, and it should be thus appreciated. Something to do with rescuing monsters. So I guess they do have a purpose after all... 

    The appearance is excellent. Occasional cut-scenes appear whilst playing in Rescue Mode (they tried to include a story, bless 'em) and provide a pleasant interjection, but with a character who really needs to see someone about that dislocated jaw of his. The play screen is kept simple and clear (with the exception of a large monster standing right beside the play grid and occasionally performing some sort of act that can only be described as humping the side of it). The blocks all have vastly different colors which are very easy to tell from one another. Music is irritating and repetitive and really best ignored. 

    Despite the fact that there are so many levels, once you have mastered the game there really isn't much to keep bringing you back. I haven't got bored of it yet, but it has all the hallmarks of a game that I will be getting bored of in another week or so. Still, two weeks worth of playing time isn't bad for a puzzle game. Not bad at all :) 

- Lisa Harrison

E.

Platform: Sony PlayStation 2
Genre: Role-Playing
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: T - Teen
US Release: January 2004
Developer: CyberConnect2
Publisher: Bandai

    Now, I have written three other .hack reviews in my time. This is, of course, because this is the forth .hack game there is. If you have read my second and third reviews, you may be expecting me to drill into your skulls a certain important message, but not this time. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, go read them and find out. Otherwise, rest easy knowing you are not going to be seeing it here. With that business out of the way…

    CONTROLS! This game has one of the greatest control setups I have ever experienced. By the time I played this game after playing the other three the controls were so instinctive that I could actually forget which buttons I was pressing and such. In other words, there was absolutely no fumbling with the controller or forgetting which button did what or hitting the wrong button in some situations. I would just think about what I wanted my character to do and then *POOF* it would be done. This seems like the perfect controller setup, and it would make sense to assume that I would be giving this game a 10 for controls. However, since the controls do take some learning, and such intuitiveness is not automatic for most players (and since I can’t actually expect everyone to have played the first three games… *grumble*), I am forced to say these controls are just very good. Not perfect.

    The visuals have not improved much from the previous games, except with some characters that are new to this version and look very nice. The lack of improvement is not a flaw, though, since anything but a minor improvement to graphics in this, the last installment of the series of games, would make as much sense as changing the back half of a cartoon to CGI. If you have yet to catch my drift, the visuals are good. Very pretty.

    The music and voice acting is as great as ever in this installment, with more grunties and whatnot. They were also nice enough to stick one of my favorite .hack songs of ever into the game, as an unlockable bonus feature thing. Kinda like Lucca, in Chrono Trigger.

    The value of the replay of this game is almost immeasurable. As is the fun. Coincidentally, they go hand in hand here. This is one of the most fun games I’ve ever played, and as such I just want to play it again and again and again. And I do. This series has officially probably drained the most hours out of my life of any game or game series ever. Not only is it extremely fun to play, but it has a lot of extra things to keep you playing, so you don’t just have to replay the game from the beginning if you want the fun to keep going. Of course, all of the other .hack games also had extras and such, but this installment has MORE. That’s right, more. And who among us doesn’t love more? Liars, that’s who.

    This game is definitely worth buying… Eeeeeeeeeven if you are a giant turd and, despite the warnings of certain people, haven’t played the other games first. There, I said it. EVEN IF YOU HAVEN'T PLAYED THE OTHER GAMES FIRST (refer to my previous reviews to see what you actually should do) THIS GAME IS STILL WORTH BUYING. You could always rent the first three games, and then BUY the 4^th, since you’d be able to keep all of your data and such with the 4^th game… But, I digress. This game is amazing. Buy it. 

- Matt Gardner

F. 

Platform: Game Boy Advance
Genre: Platformer
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release: October 2004
Developer: Capcom    
Publisher: Capcom

    So Capcom turns out yet another MegaMan game and it is met with indifference by the industry. Is this really any surprise? The MegaMan series has stayed so true to its roots for so long, the public feels that it has become redundant. The minority who welcome the games into their lives with open arms will rejoice – this game is an excellent example of what has become a rather predictable series.  

    MegaMan Zero 3 plays like its two predecessors in that it is a side-scrolling adventure through somewhat claustrophobic environs. It hasn’t really added much to the series (In fact, it has removed the RPG-esque leveling up element) but is still a satisfying addition to the series.  

    The plot follows on from the previous two games in the Zero series, but interestingly, it also crosses over into the Classic MegaMan series as well as the MegaMan X series. It is nearly impossible for me to explain it all here, but essentially a Neo Arcadian called Dr Weil has been employed by X to get hold of the Dark Elf using an all-powerful (yet so easily dispatched) reploid called Omega. Three guesses who has to stop him. No… not Crash Bandicoot. Sit down, Ralph. 

    Completely customisable controls make the game a joy to play; steering Zero around has never been easier. I find the best setup to be R for the Saber, B for the Triple Rod and L to dash. Almost no complaints, control-wise… sadly the dash is still mapped to a double-tap of the directional buttons. This means you can inadvertently activate it in the wrong situations if you are in a hurry. 

    Zero’s mission is enjoyable to play. The anticipation of new bosses was the real pull for me, as the fights are impeccable – imaginative, challenging and atmospheric. However, the level design in this edition seems a little lacklustre at first – the game does not pick up until later. That, plus some lazy repetition of MegaMan Zero 1 bosses lets the game down. 

    There are many varied levels, each with a different mission. The ranking system returns, as do the bosses’ A/S rank attacks. Unfortunately, some of the A/S attacks make the bosses EASIER to beat… the learning curve of this game is again steep, but nowhere near the ridiculous heights of the previous games. This seems to have been tailored for a new audience of MegaMan fans, which doesn’t really go down well a lunatic such as myself. But I must be open to new ideas, I guess. Some areas, notably the elevator endurance test, are ridiculously difficult. This patchy difficulty can be rather frustrating at times.  

    The sound effects remain unchanged from the original game. However, the music is all new and all good! The tunes are once again hummable and somewhat awesome. The boss theme is much worse than its predecessors, the original game’s being the best.  

    The game looks exactly the same as the previous game. Which is something of a good thing… the boss sprites once again look excellent. Look at Torresdesta Cerberian and WEEP AT HIS AWESOMENESS. Same with Deathtanz Mantisk (Love those names). They both own. 

    Capcom have seen fit to inject a bit of replay value this time around, with the presence of hundreds of hidden secret disks, each one detailing a particular character or item, ala the trophy system from Smash Brothers Melee. Finishing the game under certain conditions unlocks new minigames based on certain characters. Additionally, the game links up with Battle Network 4 to alter the graphics. Lovely.

    I like this game – I have spent about 7 hours playing it and it’s tough to get my attention if you’re a videogame. Yeah, I know, I know, I love everything I review. That’s a coincidence. Shut up. 

    Buy it. Make your friends buy it too. Otherwise this kind of game will die out.  

- Stuart Gipp

* Scores given by guest reviewers are not officially endorsed by GameCola.

V.  

Nate Sawoar's Top 10 Favorite Video games
Watsete, AL

10. Wrath of the Black Manta (NES): This game is accurately the COOLEST THING EVER.  You are a kicking-ass ninja who has to stop drug dealers.  STUPID kids get captured.  Crazy bad-asses somehow ruined this language while trying to make money, but this game describes the hardworking Ninja busting down New York assholes. 

9. Jaws (NES): FIRE SOMEWHERE AROUND 30 FUCKING HARPOONS, GO killing an ugly tedious shark.  YOU would ENJOY THAT over and over again.  Scratch ONE boring with ONLY HIM AND HIS LIFEBAR!  MAKE do it AFTER that SECTION OF DOWN.

8. Chrono Trigger (SNES): Because this game is easy, woo!  Giant one-dimensional crabs and ugly cardboard cut-outs battle you; also, I can beat many bosses and not play BORING beyond believe. I can fight him again and again with spells, Tech Points, and battle programming. Okay, I overlook the shoddy magic system by certainly wearing one type of armor.  I don't need an idiotic excuse of personality.  Wait, A PIECE OF SHIT group of STUPID STUPID STUPID spells give you 100 respawns in one state?  Wow, what a crafted match features!  Enemies need a mention that no poorly one doesn't even getting all the didn't again.  Wait, they can even that this!

7. Armored Core 2 (PS2): Shorter and easier mechs like the slug; speed the three previous installments, except turn exactly.

6. Xenogears (PSX): Square throwing in religious references and rotation camera, awesome.  A kung-fu amnesiac pilots a giant robot, beats up Captain Novolin.  The ridiculous kung-fu somehow guns this encounter rate, not to mention a excellent premise.  Swords ruined one excuse for he to as saddest kid, also at point.  You who looks stupid play mechs which "plot" and have supposed since.

5. Final Fantasy IV (SFC): WHAT FUCKING freaks worships the devil??  An evil BAD-ASS knight doesn't steal crystals; sissy boy puts on some makeup and a tiara.  BAM!  You play down to Level 1 and beat up those SHITTY bastards that Square strung along.  He HAPPENED TO drops me and dammit, and THE that.

4. Earthbound (SNES): Mr. T is portrayed, and fat women, old guys, hippies, and robots is weird.  You play as kids, the superhero form of life; that lowest boring is an ass-kicking you.  Negatively kill Mr. T?  NOT TRUE!  The downside.

3. Zone of the Enders (PS2): An awesome turd is short of stupid.  You trash a space station in a giant robot and a dumb kid gets a lucky sequel.  The premise bastard of this nothing as a pedestal for shitty -- play as an who.

2. MegaMan 6 (NES): Dr. Wily then this boring Dr. Wily look-a-like -- who is eight Dr. Wily -- kill bosses.  Same old series again; they battle bullshit 4.  Battle killed ugh at repetitive?  Should've.  

1. Age of Empires (PC): StarCraft: Brood War dog shit when you can making swooshing noises as retards that have swords.  You can beat one another with sticks, bother retards, yay!  Play deeper into the game while delve a bunch that you play with this.  If you play bad, that you. 

VI.

    Okay guys, try to bear with me on this one, 'cause it might get kinda confusing.  Starting with the upcoming January issue, GameCola will be running a new contest each and every month.  No more poetry, artwork, or killer captions this time, though -- our forthcoming contests require almost no work at all on your part.  All you have to do is e-mail us and say what your favorite part of that issue was, and you'll automatically be entered to win a FABULOUS PRIZE~! that may or may not have been purchased at a yard sale.

    But that's still a few months off.  Right now, with this issue, we're starting a new contest that will require some effort on your part.  Well, inasmuch as you consider giving us a name for our future contest to be work, anyway.

    Do you follow?  From now until January, I need you to supply us with names for our monthly contest idea.  Something snazzy, like "Mega Man: The Visual Expression", or "Chicken Soup for the Gaming Soul", would be vastly appreciated, because I haven't been able to come up with a good idea yet.

    But never you fear, readers; there's something in it for you.  Whoever can give us the niftiest name for our monthly contest will receive -- in addition to becoming a part of our webazine's illustrious history and receiving an acknowledgement in the contest's inaugural edition -- 

A FREE GAMECOLA T-SHIRT, IN YOUR SIZE!!!

    So get those creative juices flowing, and send your best name ideas to me!

    (Please note: if you've already received a GC shirt, we'll gladly send you you anything else from our CafePress shop that's of equal or lesser value.) 

VII..

Chapter Seventeen
The Gates of Life: The Musical

The story so far...

Generic: Where are we noooow?

Rivers: Is that a coooow?

Render: What should we doooo?

Enrique: Let’s just say moooo!

Narrator Two: That’s right my friends, the gates have fated

                         That this particular issue be music related.

Narrator: All rules aside, all sense beware.

                If you get confused, well we just don’t care!

Narrator Two: This installment begins where the other left,

                         But you may find that details are somewhat bereft.

Narrator: Again I declare.

                We just do not care.

                Loosen up, you’ll give yourself a heart attack… Jack.

Narrator Two: Now don’t be mean.

                        Let’s just set the scene.

Narrator: Barin and his gang caught up with Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render VI of Trelenodora and his crew somehow.

                I don’t know, but it just happened… wow.

                Also, Apul got his voice back for this episode.

                Argue with me here and I’ll call you a toad.

Narrator Two: As is the way of musicals that don’t like being wrong,

                         They confronted Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render VI of Trelenodora and Crew with a song.

I think we are all in agreement.

This story has gone way too far.

It was supposed to be a serious drama.

Can you tell me which way to the bar?

We will not stand for this any longer

On our souls you have left a large scar

We’ll stand together and defeat you.

Can you tell me which way to the bar?

Under a new flag we begin our crusade

A new name you could not hope to mar

We now call out selves the "Shadow Stalkers!"

Can you tell me which way to the bar?

I was supposed to be the hero of the story.

What in God’s name ever happened to that?

I was going to have love scenes with Najen,

But the author has just left me flat.

We got turned into some sort of kitten,

By some traitorous psychopath’s balls.

Someone was a tree and there’s a curse on me,

And the author’s plot most certainly appalls.

I’m supposed to be the greatest swordsman ever,

But now I’m not even in the top three.

I swing and I slash and I stab and I gash,

But all my opponents are still better than me. (And the author sucks.)

Can you tell me which way to the bar?

Can you tell me which way to the bar?

I’m sober and I really, really hate this.

Can you tell me which way to the bar?

I’ll bet you fools aren’t even listening to us.

That will surely be your undoing.

We will be taken seriously, no matter the cost.

*Hic* An.. bar… mooing…

Narrator: Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render VI of Trelenodora would not be taken aback.

                He returned their song with another song that would give a weaker man a heart attack.

You mess

With the wrong guy.

You step up,

When what you should do is die.

Now it’s too late

You’ll get no mercy from me

Beg all you want

Just don’t expect some pity.

I’m gonna Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render you asunder.

You should pray to the gods to forgive such a blunder.

You had some time to escape,

But you’re such a dumb ape

That you just sit around and wait

For the metaphorical rape.

I’m gonna Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render you asunder

I won’t even try to quit until you’re 6 feet under.

I will take all of you on,

And Render your crusade gone.

I won’t even have to make use

Of the old "brains over brawn"

I’m gonna Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render you asunder

Whether I’ll kick your ass, there’s no need to wonder.

I’ve had enough of your crap

And I don’t mean to snap,

But you’re driving me crazy

And I just want to take a nap.

I’m gonna Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render you asunder.

You may be a dreg but you’re much less useful than dunder.

I’m gonna Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render you asunder.

You should pray to the gods to forgive such a blunder.

I’m gonna Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render you asunder.

I won’t even try to quit until you’re 6 feet under.

I’m gonna Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render you asunder.

Whether I’ll kick your ass, there’s no need to wonder.

I’m gonna Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render you asunder.

I’m gonna Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render you asunder…

Narrator Two: The Shadow Stalkers cowered in fear, as rightly they should,

                         And another group seized this opportunity simply because they could.

Narrator: Strange Creature, Large Stone Wall, and Generic felt that they have not been properly represented,

                No one could really blame them, and the author understood why he was resented.

                So all listened closely to this new group’s rhymes,

                To learn more about them and stay with the times.

We are the dregs of the Gates of Life.

No doubt!

We are the dregs of the Gates of Life.

Yo. Yo.

Lemme introduce my posse

Startin’ off from the biggest,

My home dawg’s made of rock

But he’s still a master jig-est.

Myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-

Don’t mean to cut you off bro,

But you’re too slow.

You’s cuttin’ off my flow,

And that means you got to go.

Next up on the list

Is a guy who get my gist,

And acts as a catalyst

For my inner synthesist.

My names Generic, G.

Some fool created me

But he’s too lazy

For a description, see?

And that’s there story

Explains the fury

Welled up inside me.

I’m the final dreg here

And I’ll kick you in the rear

Or fill up your soul with fear

If at me you throw a jeer.

He means it, Jim,

Don’t mess with him!

The last dude who stepped up is now missin’ a limb.

And now you got the scoop

On all three members of the group.

Before I fly the coop

I got a verse I need to dupe.

We are the dregs of the Gates of Life.

No doubt!

We are the dregs of the Gates of Life.

Yo. Yo.

We are the dregs of the Gates of Life.

No doubt!

We are the dregs of the Gates of Life.

Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooord.

Narrator Two: This song struck a cord

                         With all those who’re bored.

                         Another group decided to try their hand and getting their message out via song.

I’m so tired, tired, tired of all you arrogant fools.

You think you’re so cool, but you’re a bunch of tools.

I’m still hoping, hoping, hoping that I’ll get some respect.

I won’t just sit down and be happy as the comic reject.

We know what we’re doing, damn it.

Take us seriously!

We’re not waxing pathetic, damn it.

Take us seriously!

I’m a vampire, a blood sucker. Immortal!

How cool is that? It warrants a chortle!

We know what we’re doing, damn it.

Take us seriously!

We’ll omnislash your face off, damn it.

Take us seriously!

I was created by Enrique, I’m at least as cool as he is!

No way man, Enrique is amazing.

We know what we’re doing, damn it.

Take us seriously!

Don’t need to rhyme or stay in character, damn it.

Take us seriously!

I don’t think it’s working. What the hell.

Let’s stop and think it over. We’ll rest a spell.

I don’t even like this song, why do I keep singing?

It’s a musical, fool. But, yea, my ears are ringing.

So lets just end it here. What’s the point in going on?

We should at least repeat the chorus. Bambi was a fawn.

We know what we’re doing, damn it.

Take us seriously!

Rhythm and sense don't own us, damn it.

Take us seriously!

Narrator Two: As if this wasn’t enough,

     Another poet decided to show his stuff.

Narrator: A song from the past, written to a girl.

                Liaunde is her name… this song makes me want to hurl.

All my life,

I’ve been lookin’ for a girl like you,

Ev-ry-day,

I’ve been hopin’ that my dream comes true.

Then one day,

I saw you there in sixth period,

(Your) Hair so brown,

Reminiscent of a puddle of mud.

To myself

I thought that this girl was so damn neat,

Wrote a note,

Right on the backa my home work sheet!

(And it said…)

The next day,

I walked passed you goin’ down the hall,

(You) Smelled so good

Like the inside of a bathroom stall.

I though then,

There’s no way this girl cannot be mine,

(Caught) Up with you,

In the middle of the school lunch line!

(And I said…)

You said yes,

When I asked you if you want to date,

During class,

Is your favorite time to fornicate.

You and I,

At last had our chance for unity,

I don’t mind,

That you’re constantly yellin’ at me!

(I still say…)

Narrator: I think we can all agree on one thing.

                Emo sucks and it is insulting to call what those whiners do "sing."

Stop it you jerk,

Stop it right there,

What you’re saying about Emo

Just isn’t fair.

Try as I might,

This just isn’t right,

You insulted my bands,

Now we gotta fight.

Sure I’m your friend,

Been it for long,

But your anti-Emo speech:

Totally wrong.

‘Cause Emo doesn’t suck,

What the F-… Heck.

I know that’s lame,

What can you do?

Unless you want the FCC

To put the hurt on you.

We can’t have that,

Not with this song,

This piece is radio quality,

And a wear a sarong.

To the subject,

Back we must go,

I reiterate Emo’s non-sucking,

You belligerent ho.

‘Cause Emo doesn’t suck,

What the F-… God damnit.

Wait!

Can you say God?

Oh woe is me!

I think I just lost my chance

For celebrity!

The fact remains,

Despite your act,

Emo’s the greatest thing ever

And that’s a FACT

Talk ‘bout too much

Repetition

I said the word "fact" twice

But it sure was fun…

And Emo doesn’t suck,

YOU suck.

Narrator Two: Well defended friend, but it seems we have gotten of topic.

                         By the way, the authors eyes are myopic.

Narrator: But wait, it seems someone else has something to say.

                A minotaur singing? I never thought I’d see the day.

Don’t look so shocked,

Of course I can sing.

In times like these a minotaur must expand his talents.

My fate is locked,

It can’t be my thing,

To just continue running around goring people.

Wrestlers do it.

What the hell.

Goring is not just for minotaurs anymore.

So now I ask,

What do you expect me to do?

What’s a minotaur left to do but… siiiing.

What’s a minotaur to do?

What is a min-o-taur to doooo?

What’s a minotaur to do buuuut siiiiiiing.

So I sing of flower and trees and glorious things,

But then my past catches up with me…

I sing of gore,

And I sing of goring,

And I also am willing to bet no one reading these lyrics

Can figure out how the frig to sing this song.

You may think you have it

But yooou'd beeee wroooong!

That’s really okay.

In fact, I don’t care.

My minotaur nature forbids it.

But despite nature… or nurture… or any psychological thing

This minotaur is going to…

Continue to…

Siiiiiiiiiiing.

Narrator Two: Who hasn’t sung yet? Anyone?

Oh my goodness, it’s Enrique! The fun has begun!

Moo.

Moo-moo.

Moo.

Moo moo

BASTARD!

Moo.

Moo moo

BASTARD BASTARD ghey.

Moo.

Moo moo

BASTARD ghey haaaaaa.

Moo.

Moo moo

Notta notta sup?

Moo.

Moo moo

Good times.

Moo.

Moo moo

Good times.

Moo.

Moo moo

BASTARD BASTARD fun.

Moo.

Moo moo

Amazing fun.

Moo.

Moo moo

Uhhhhhhh

Moo.

Moo moo

Sup sup sup.

Moo.

Moo moo

Haaaaaaaaa!

Moo.

Moo moo

Good times.

Moo.

Moo moo

Good times.

Moo.

Moo moo

Sup notta notta.

Moo.

Moo moo

Ghey fun BASTARD.

Moo.

Moo moo

Amazing.

Moo.

Moo moo

Sup notta fun.

Moo.

Moo moo

Totally.

Moo.

Moo moo

Good times.

Moo.

Moo moo

Good times.

Moo.

Moo moo

Adios.

Narrator: It seems all of the fun and games had Barin fumin’

                He started stomping and shouting with his voice a’boomin’

                The ruination of his vision is too much for him to bear.

                And even worse is the fact that this new world seems so unfair.

                He is thwarted at every turn and he can take it no more,

                So he started to sing one last song, and with a mighty roar…

Narrator Two: He got cut off and Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render VI of Trelenodora and Crew started singing the finale instead.

                        All in spite of Barin’s now steaming head.

No matter what I say or do you always have to find a fault,

You’re too uptight.

You’re as anal as they make ‘em, with your emotions in a vault,

You’re too uptight.

You always follow me around,

Much like a freshly trained bloodhound,

Always screaming "I’m a cat!

Or "Bastard! this and "Bastard!" that,

You try to stalk me in the night,

And always itch to start a fight,

Yes you, Barin, are too up-tight.

So won’t you try to mellow out?

I really hate to hear you shout.

No I won’t try to mellow out,

And I much like to scream and shout!

*sigh*

You’re too uptight.

I do my best to lend a hand but you just spit and act all mad,

You’re too uptight.

This whole tough-guy leader pretense is a totally played out fad,

You’re too uptight.

I’m gonna give you one last chance,

But it’s your time to take a stance,

I cannot sit here all day long,

And entertain you with a song,

This one’s just reaching its height,

So come on buddy do what’s right,

Because you, Barin, are too up-tight.

So won’t you yield and just calm down?

I know you’d hate to make me frown.

No I won’t yield and just calm down,

And it feels great to see you frown!

You’re too uptight!

You’re too uptight!

There ain’t no way to set this right,

Not even if I try all night,

You’re too uptight!

He’s too uptight!

He’s too uptight!

Let’s get this fool out of our sight,

He’s less appealing than a mite,

He’s too uptight!

You’re too uptight!

You’re too uptight!

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la,

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la,

You’re too uptight!

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la,

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la,

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la,

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la,

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la,

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la,

Yes you Barin,

Are toooo uuup

Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!

Narrator: As the music calms, we come to a choice or two.

                Someone’s past will be revealed, but who that is is up to you.

Which Gate Do You Choose?

The Good Captain

Render: Whom do I work for? Where exactly is Trelenodora? How did I get the moniker "7-Eye?" What am I wearing?

The Fusionist:

Rivers: Where did I get my fusion powers… and how did I manage to "betray" Barin and co. exactly?

Enrique: How is it that I am so insanely super-powerful? And what, exactly, was I doing on the island where I met my compatriots?

Jonathan: King?! Where did I come from? And, if I am a king, why did I leave whatever place I am apparently the king of? And why am I really only half minotaur?

Strange Creature: Well, you people really don’t know jack about me at this point in the story. Wouldn’t it be nice to find out something?

Large Stone Wall: Whooooooooooooo aaaaaaaaaaaaaaam IIIIIIIIIIII? Whyyyyyyy aaaaaaaaaaaam IIIIIIIIIIIIII aaaaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaall?

- Matt Gardner

VIII.    

    Welcome back! What an issue I have in store for you. This month I will be reviewing some of the most memorable games in my collection! Well I mean the Mark of Kri was an impulse buy but hey two years is a LONG time, right? Well lets see what the thumbs have to say.

The Mark Of Kri (PS2, 2002)

    This game had all the makings of being great. It has very smooth graphics and some great new features like stealth and your handy pet bird. So it looked really good and seemed that it would be really fun. It starts off good with a good training level that lets you get used to the controls, which is a plus because they aren't that easy. However the game tries to do too much. It tries to make use of all its features, requiring you to do them to finish levels even when more simpler means will get you through. The controls even after training with them tend to get tricky, especially when trying to navigate your bird and hide from enemies at the same time. The game also gets rather tedious after the first few stages and doesn't really entice you enough to want to continue onward.

Captain Eric's Super thumb says.. Thumbs Down

Uniracers (SNES, 1995)

    Uniracers is a very simple game where you and a opponent either friend or computer race through a track using unicycles. You do various stunts and tricks to gain points and make your unicycle move faster. Whoever crosses the finish line first wins! The tracks are organized in different categories and each category also has one stunt course where the object is to rack up as many points possible just doing stunts. It is quite a fun multiplayer game. It features a wide variety of different colored unicycles which let you change their names. Another very fun feature is has is that you can set up leagues and such so you can keep track of you and all your friends scores. The game is limited as single player quickly gets old beating the same cycles over and over but the multiplayer aspect always made it a favorite of mine.

Captains Eric's Super thumb says... Thumbs Up!!!

MegaMan X (SNES, 1993)

    Ah MegaMan X, the first in the new (now old) line of MegaMans! It's hard not to like MegaMan games; while they are all basically the same there is just something about that blue guy that leaves you wanting to keep coming back! This game plays a lot like all the previous MegaMans but with some nifty new features.  First off, now all the enemy boss' names dont end in "Man"! They have names like Storm Eagle and Chill Penguin.  And they look more like their namesake than, well, giant robot man. Also aside from collecting the weapons from the enemy bosses that you defeat you can also find some upgrades to your robot self! These change your appearance and also give you some skills like bashing stuff with your head, the uber cool slide and the ability to charge your weapons up even longer. All in all i found this game very stratifying!

Captain Eric's Super thumb says... Thumbs Up!

Street Fighter 2 Alpha (SNES, 1996)

    I was always a big fan of the Street Fighter series. I even watched its lame movie and had the Ryu GI Joe figure!  This game will always be remember to me as the game that introduced me to the most awesome video game character EVER.. and that would be Dan Hibiki; he is just one awesome goofball.  This game is a lot like the other Street Fighters, however it's Alpha because it takes place before the other games,
so Blanka isn't a beast yet but a solider named Charlie and there are lots of other characters you haven't met yet.  There are also a few from other Capcom games. It;s basic, it's fun, go kick ass! There are some problems however; the SNES version has serious loading issues and since this isn't PlayStation it doesn't really tell you its loading so sometimes it just seems as if the game has frozen up on you, quite lame. The PS2 version also has these but they are much more manageable. It's a good game but as far as Street Fighter games go, its not the best.
However, any game that features DAN, has to deserve a thumb.

Captain Eric's Super thumb says... Thumbs up!

Star Wars: Shadows of the Empire (N64, 1996)

    This is a game based of a popular Star Wars book taking place after the original three movies. You control Dash Render, one dude with a spiffy, spiffy name. The graphics are ok but they always seemed a bit to dark for me and many of the levels where you had to do stuff like go underwater or such are always murky and hard to see. The camera angles of this game always give me problems; I would shoot something down only to be shot at by something I couldn't see and then couldn't find before taking serious damage! The game for the most part is a third person shooter with a few assorted levels thrown in, like piloting Dash's ship and such. It's a very difficult game for me and I died many many MANY times and it would frustrate me to no end but I would still continue to play so it had that going for it. I could never manage to get through the last stage though they just kicked my ass. The ga