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Volume
3, Issue 4 - April 2004 |
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Also Featuring: John Swiderski, Matteous, Edible Footwear, Inc., Aaron Waters, Geoff Osman, Ted Gleason, "Halo Sucks", and "Wants Her Boy Toy" |
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Man, Nintendo should totally bring me onto their staff; I've got some pretty awesome ideas for new games that make use of some of their (and Sega's) older titles. Hopefully no one's come up with them before, but if they have, oh well! They're new to the GC universe, and that's obviously what matters.
First up is Super Mario Bros. 3: Bowser's Quest. It's the same game as SMB3, except that you control Bowser, and you progress backwards through all the levels, starting from his castle and ending at 1-1. After battling through Toads and Yoshis (instead of Goombas and Koopa Troopas), all the way to the first (or last, in this case) level, you have to jump on Mario's head and crush him without crushing yourself through the floor and to an untimely death. It will only be then that Princess Toadstool will be yours for the taking.
My next idea is fairly simple; it's two trilogies of games, called Super Sonic Bros. and Mario the Hedgehog, featuring Mario as the star of the Sonic Genesis titles, and Sonic as the star of the Mario NES titles. Each character would be juxtaposed exactly to each corresponding title; i.e., Mario the Hedgehog 1 would feature a pixel-perfect plumber from Super Mario Bros. 1, with any/all skills he has in that game. Each trilogy would probably take up one GBA cartridge, though Nintendo, being Nintendo, would probably sell all of the games separately.
Finally, there's Mario vs. Sonic: a title that features you and a friend (or the CPU) enacting the 8/16 Bit War in a triathlon of games to determine who the true king of the early nineties is. There would be several different events from the various Mario games to choose from, such as go-kart racing, golf, and some Smash Bros. style combat, but only three would be used in each game of Mario vs. Sonic. I'd throw in some Sonic style battles, but he doesn't have much to pick from. Perhaps a foot race or something. Anyway, you could link up with two more friends to have some excitement-filled battles between Mario and Luigi, and Sonic and Tails.
Needless to say, these games would all be GBA titles, and would feature none of the annoying voices (or updated graphics, for that matter) that plague the Mario Advance series; they'd just be straight up 8/16 bit remixes. If anyone from Nintendo is reading this, feel free to take my ideas and use them; all I ask for in return is one of those amazing Famicom-styled G-BASPs. And maybe a twenty minute loading screen at the beginning of each game that informs the player that GameCola does, in fact, quench your thirst for video entertainment.
Before you move on to the rest of this month's issue, here's a few mock-up screenshots for two of the games I've described above:
Love,
Paul Franzen
Editor-in-Chief
e-mail: pfranzen@gamecola.net
P.S. A free GameCola t-shirt goes out to anyone (who isn't Nintendo) who can make any of these games. Or if they can make Super Mario Bros. 3 starring members of the GC staff, that'd be worth a shirt, too.
II. 
Letters:
So do you have a monthly counter? I wonder if a lot of people visit your page but are not subscribed?
Great Issue. You should put your resume in to the big game magazines and include copies of this site. You guys are pros and you don't even know it or get paid!
- John Swiderski
- Well John... we don't have a monthly counter per se, but
there's this thing Yahoo! hosting gives me that shows me how much data transfer
the site gets per month, allowing me to compare it with other months to see if
there are more or less people visiting it in that particular month. That
doesn't do much to show me a number of subscribers vs. a number of readers
ratio, but my guess is that there are actually more subscribers than readers, as
I doubt that everyone who gets a monthly reminder about GameCola coming out
actually visits the site right then and there.
That being said, I'm sure there are still some people out there who read and don't subscribe, due to fear of spam or laziness or something like that. I'm telling you all again.. there is no spam involved in subscribing to GameCola. None. All you get is a monthly reminder about the latest issue being out, and a chance at the end of the year to participate in the Reader's Choice GameCola Interactive Video Entertainment Awards. So don't worry about it! Type your e-mail address into the little box and subscribe. It's easy as winning a game of Wayne Gretzky's 3D Hockey.
Hey Jenna! :)
First of all, I've only recently found out about your site, but its damn cool hey! Love the retro reviews especially! But I'd have to say I disagree with Aaron's review of Metroid Fusion (I've played Metroid since it first came out on the NES and I LOVE Fusion!! Though I agree it does hold your hand more than I like!)
Take care from me and the rest of the Aussies k?
- Matteous
ps. Where are you lot based??
pps. Can you get previous issues of GameCola? Cos I'd love to read them
from the start!!
- Dear Matt-kid:
Thank you very much for your complements to our humble little webzine, although
I think those
comments are more directed toward our lovely Editor-in-Chief and the reviewing
staff, so I'll step aside for a moment. ::applause:: Okay, and
moving on. Metroid Fusion... I'm not even going to pretend. I've
only played Metroid Prime so... yeah! I agree too!! Right.
GameCola was started while all of us were still in high school, and I guess
Paul's home base is still technically his house, so GameCola hails from good old
South Jersey -- Tabernacle, to be more specific. Such humble beginnings
for such a proud webzine. And, I believe you can access old issues of
GameCola by pressing the "Archive" button at the top of this
website. Thanks so much for your letter, and give those adorable little
platipi a hug and kiss for me!
Love, Jenna
Artwork:
Edible Footwear, Inc.
- Paul Franzen
Short Reviews:
Barbie
NES
i love barbie! and when i heard there was a barbie game for the NES i knew i had to have it! I must say i was NOT disappointed with this game.
Barbie is one of the most revolutionary games for any system EVER. with such innovating and challenging obstacles such as tennis racquets and hi heel shoes the fun just doesn't stop! Complete with classic barbie tunes and great barbie fashion, this is a real winner! though i do have one complaint with this game, it could use a bit more pink!
Fun: 10
Audio: 8
Controls: 8
Visuals: 10
Replay Value: 10
Overall: 9.2
- Aaron Waters *
* may not be the same Aaron Waters that is on the GameCola staff
|
I see that look in your eyes. I can hear your heartbeat growing rapidly faster. I can smell your desire. You wanna send something in to GameCola! Have thoughts on the current or a past issue? Have a drawing or photograph you'd like to share with us? How about some poetry? Or anything? Anything at all? We're not very choosey. So go for it, send your stuff in.. what do you have to lose? e-mail - submissions@gamecola.net |
III. 
To all those who were looking forward
to the new Sam and Max sequel... I hope you have a box of tissues
handy. Like many cool ideas before it, Sam and Max: Freelance
Police, has been canceled, and only a few months before its planned
spring 2004 release, too. Maybe this is a godsend, though.
After all, the title was to be in 3D, and we all know what happened when
Lucas Arts brought Monkey Island to the third dimension.
Maybe it's just better this way.
The dubiously awarded "Best New
Character" of 2002 (as deemed such by GameCola) is set to make his
big console return in 2004, with Sly 2: Band of Thieves.
That's right, kiddies -- Sly Cooper is back. Thankfully, this
time around, he won't be given the opportunity to cheat more deserving
characters out of the "Best New Character" award (it should've
been Sora!!!).
This has got to be one of the oddest
licenses since Yo! Noid... Evidently, game publisher Majesto
has obtained the interactive rights to publish games based on the Mighty
Beanz collectible toys in North America. For those unfamiliar,
Mighty Beanz are what commonly go by the name "Mexican jumping
beans", except larger and colorfully decorated, sometimes with
well-known characters such as Spiderman and The Hulk.
Follow? Majesto wants to make games about Mexican jumping
beans. It's not like they actually do anything.. they just...
jump. I don't get it. Darn kids and their newfangled
beans.
Square-Enix really annoys me
sometimes. They ship 1.3 million copies of their Japanese Dragon
Warrior V remake in just two days, and yet, they don't release it here
in the united States. (That's the news, btw -- the
hotcake-like selling of Dragon Warrior V. In case it's not
obvious.) The game is a PlayStation 2 remake of the original Super
Nintendo title, with updated 3D graphics and some other minor
additions. I really want to play this game. Oh Squeenix,
why does thou continue to forsake me? Bah.
Hey, remember that Famicom-styled
Game Boy Advance SP that came out in Japan a while back?
Well, Nintendo's actually listening to its fanbase, and releasing a
similarly styled console in the US. Of course, this version of the
G-BASP is fashioned like the NES instead of the Famicom; and
unfortunately, due to this, the unit looks substantially less
cool. But it's okay, because with this portable console,
Nintendo will also be releasing several budget-priced (i.e., $19.99) NES
titles for the GBA, including Excitebike, The Legend of
Zelda, and Bomberman. Don't get your hopes up just yet,
though; you never know when Nintendo's going to do something dumb, like
add annoying voices to its characters (ala the Super Mario Advance
series), so we'll just hafta wait and see how this one turns out.
IV. 
For those wondering how our review ratings work, it'd be a good idea to read this before moving ahead to the reviews.
Our crack review squad* has chosen the five attributes that we feel determine the overall quality of a video game, which are:
Fun - the overall enjoyment experienced in playing a video game,
Audio - the music and sound effects of a video game,
Controls - the physical means by which a video game is played,
Visuals - the graphical aesthetics of a video game, and
Replay Value - a video games' worth in playing after completion.
Other attributes such as gameplay, story, difficulty, and concept are not individually rated, for they can all be worked into one or more of the above categories.
Each attribute is rated with a numerical value ranging from 0 to 10, with 0 being non-existent (which should, theoretically, never be used, based on what follows), five being average (which is important to remember; many gaming publications use a 5/10 to mean "bad", but here it means "neither good nor bad"), and 10 being perfect (which should, theoretically, never be used; there is no absolute perfect in this industry). The individual scores are then averaged together, which results in an overall rating of a video game's quality.
The attributes themselves are rated in comparison with those of video games from the same genre and console as the one being reviewed. For example, the audio rating of Uncle Worm for the TI-83 Plus Graphing Calculator would be 5 instead of the presumed 0 for having no sound, because it is average of games for that console to have no sound. In the same light, an RPG that a gamer would want to complete only once would have a Replay Value of 5, while that of an RPG with incentive for multiple plays (such as alternate endings) would rate higher. One final example, to make sure we're all on the same page: The attributes of Dragon Warrior, an NES RPG, would be rated in comparison with those of (among others) Final Fantasy, an NES RPG, but not with Metroid, an NES Action title, or Kingdom Hearts, a PS2 RPG.
Got it? Now you can go ahead and read what we have to say this month.
*Paul Franzen was the only member of the crack review squad involved in creating the GameCola ratings system.
Click here to peruse an archive of the games we've reviewed and the scores we've given them.
Platform: Nintendo
Entertainment System
Genre: Trivia
# of Players: 1-3
ESRB Rating: N/A
US Release: September 1988
Developer: Rare
Publisher: Gametek
At some point in the mid-1990's, after both of my brothers had gone off to
college, leaving me alone at home with my parents, I was rooting around in their
old storage boxes, looking for stuff. No, I wasn't looking for old porno
mags or valuable baseball cards; I was looking for the Nintendo Entertainment
System. Sure, I had my Super Nintendo or Nintendo 64 or whatever system
was out at the time, but I was looking for something a little more
classic. I sure found it all right, and a bunch of games for it,
too. Jeopardy! is one of those games
.
I'm sure that Jeopardy! isn't the first name that comes to your mind when you think of the NES classics. Visions of "Super Mario Bros. 3", "The Legend of Zelda", and "Metroid" probably crop up in your brain sooner than does this mere trivia game. But make no mistake about it; Jeopardy! is a great title -- it's only fault is that some of the questions now are so dated that they're almost unanswerable. I'm thinking specifically about those dealing with television shows from the eighties that probably weren't even famous when the game came out, let alone fifteen years later. It'd be like if you played a Jeopardy! game from the 90's and it featured a question about TV show Opposite Sex. What, you've never heard of Opposite Sex? Exactly my point.
This game deserves some credit for its innovative control scheme -- it's one of
the only NES games I can name off the top of my head that is three-player; and
it's the only NES three-player game I can think of period that doesn't require
some sort of multitap. I'm sure all of you know how Jeopardy! works.
The game asks you a question, and you and your friends (or you and the computer
players, you friendless loser) have ten 
seconds to answer it. If you
answer it correctly, you get whatever amount of money the question was
worth. And, obviously, the person with the most total money at the end of
the game wins. Which brings me to the three-player part. If you have
two friends playing the game with you, one person uses one controller to buzz in
and answer the questions, and the other two use another controller, each using
separate buttons to buzz in. This is a problem with the standard NES
controller (as it it's too small for two people to be sharing), but I'd bet that
it works wondrously with the NES Advantage. That manipulation of the
controller to make the game three-player is rather novel, and I feel obligated
to give credit to Rare for implementing it.
As
far as audio is concerned, this game has some downfalls, but that's just because
of the nature of the beast. There's not much music at all except for the
well-known "do do do do dodo do do" etc Jeopardy! theme; and while
that theme is translated well into NES compatible notes, there isn't much else
to speak of. There's the sound of a person buzzing in, which I suppose is
a nice buzz sound, but that's
about it. Of course, you've got to
understand that in rating this game's sound, I'm comparing it to the audio of
other trivia games for NES; so in those terms, the sound isn't half bad.
The graphics are nothing to write home about (though, that makes me wonder how amazing the visuals of a game would have to be before I fired off an e-mail to Mom and Dad about them), except that the characters are pretty cool looking. There's about six or seven different characters to choose from... though if you count the fact that you can chose these characters in several different shades of color, there's around thirty different characters. I'd be screaming bloody murder (again.. just like the "writing home" thing, I can't see myself actually ever screaming "bloody murder!!!!!!!" over the downfalls a video game, but whatever) if someone tried that on a current-gen title, but for the NES it's pretty spiffy.
Of
course, though, if you don't like trivia games, you're certainly not going to
like Jeopardy!. I happen to enjoy trivia games quite a bit (especially
'cause they're the one type of game that I can actually beat people at), and
this game is a great trivia game, by golly! I've been playing it with my
friends ever since I found it in that box all those years ago, even after coming
into ownership of newer versions of the title. So, if you like answering
seemingly random questions, and proving (or disproving) your intellectual
superiority over those you game with, head over to GameStop and pick up
Jeopardy! for the NES. Heck, even if you don't you should give Jeopardy! a
whirl. It's more than a fun little time waster; it's a darn good
game.
Nintendo
Entertainment System:
Jeopardy! |
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Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
7.8 |
| 8 | 6 | 9 | 7 | 9 | |
Platform: Sega
Genesis
Genre: Sports
# of Players: 1-2
ESRB Rating: Teen
US Release: May 1993
Developer: Electronic Arts
Publisher: Electronic Arts
Before the days of Jackass, motor vehicles and extreme sports met together in a different medium. This was back in the days when Electronic Arts produced more than yearly sports titles and thousands of Sims expansions. It is a combination of skatin', hitchin', and bein' purely badass. Skitchin' is the game.
Skitchin' has always had the reputation of being considered a Road Rash clone,
but it is more than a simple replacing of motorcycles with roller blades.
Your role, as you
choose to accept it, is to be a new athlete in the sport of
Skitchin', and work your way to number one by racing on major highways in 12
major North American cities.
I love racing in this game a lot. You are always kept on your heels with the almost chaotic strings of cars bound to hit you, relentless police officers, and the ruthless competitors. Each danger tens to have a reward aspect to it that always leads to the question of "should I risk it?".
For every new car you hit a ride on the back of, you get another $1, for every second you are on a police car, you receive a $1, and for every skull you crack, you get $5! This money is used primarily to pay entrance fees, buy new equipment, and pay fines and hospital bills. Be careful not to become broke; you will lose if you can't enter the next race.
Skitchin' has controls that are a little awkward, but it works out
fine. It's suited for the three button Genesis controller, but I
think it would have been better suited for the 6 button controller. The
reason for this is that to switch between the three items you 
have, you must
hold start while in the game and press left and right to cycle through the
items. With a six button controller, this could have been done with the X,
Y, and Z buttons. But that's just a minor qualm.
Skitchin' has some of the best graphics I've ever seen on the Genesis. Everything in the level seems to flow well, and during the actual game you get a real sense of moving on a road with turns and hills. Although the colors are not as vibrant as in other games, it suits the grunge-like atmosphere very well.
As sound is always important for the full experience, Skitchin' offers a nice selection of aural tidbits. The sounds are realistic for the time period, and fit well with the overall experience. And the music, great grunge music, is playing all through the game, and it's all done well even though its synthesized. The best part about the music is that you can pick a song for the next level you're about to play. Very sweet indeed.
Through my experiences with Skitchin', the title has always been solid and
provided a good time every gaming session. Whether it was ten years ago
when it first came out, or recently, Skitchin' has never failed in its purpose
to supply fun. I'm sure it won't fail for you, either.
Sega
Genesis:
Skitchin' |
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Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
8.1 |
9 |
8 | 7 | 8.5 | 8 | |
Platform: Super
Nintendo Entertainment System
Genre: Role-Playing
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: N/A
US Release: November 1993
Developer: Tecmo
Publisher: Tecmo
There are some people out there who refer to 1993-1995 as the "Golden Age
of RPGs". While a few notable games were released in the US at this
time, there was a large amount of games that are wastes of plastic. Secret
of the Stars is one of these games. I suppose that this game is a bit more
suited for the NES era, but even
then games like Final Fantasy, Dragon Warrior,
and Megami Tensei twist its arm around and make it say "Uncle".
The only games that this game could beat are probably those godawful "Final
Fantasy Adventure" games (which are really Romancing SaGa games renamed),
but even that's doubtful. It'd be like that one Seinfeld episode where
Kramer takes karate to beat up kids in his free time, and later they gang up on
him and beat him up.
This game wouldn't be so bad if its music were better. But it isn't. The music was probably composed by a retarded kid with a rattle, so this game gets a few points for hiring retards (just because they're not as smart doesn't mean they can't be productive), but loses some for the illegal child labor.
Speaking of illegal child labor, there is some in this game. In fact, the
main character is forced to take on the task of saving the world at an age of a
single digit. After that, his home is destroyed by a crazy old guy who
wants to blow up the island he lives on for some reason, which gives him the
driving force of revenge (which is TOTALLY ORIGINAL and is such a good premise
for a plot </sarcasm/). Also, it turns out that he is one of four
destined warriors (WHOA! That was totally not done in FFI-III and FFIV!!)
and that he has to save the world (they never did that before!) from the
dark spirit of evil ( ToTaLlY oRiGiNaL). This game is so generic that it
is kind of fun to try to predict what will happen next (and you'll always get it
right if you've played as many RPGs as I have).
Y'know, sometimes I wish that we reviewers at GameCola didn't have to factor in how good a game's controls are so that this game could get a worse rating, but I guess that's my little cross to bear. Secret of the Stars' controls aren't too bad; there is just a little bit of sluggishness every once in a while. This is the ONLY REDEEMING FACTOR OF THIS GAME.
...although now that I think of it, it would be better if you COULDN'T operate the controller. Hell, it'd be better not having any arms. This game makes me jealous of amputees.
With how this review has been going, I doubt I really have to explain why I'm giving Secret of the Stars a 0 in replay value. There is no play. There cannot be a replay without a play. You don't play this game; you EXPERIENCE it. And the experience is about as bad as having a railroad spike shoved up your ass.
And
of course, there's the graphics rating. I prefer substance over style and
I don't really think that visuals should be 1/5 of a game's rating but hey, I
didn't make these guidelines. I just rate by 'em. But anyway, Secret
of the Stars is an ugly game. Imagine the fattest, oldest, ugliest person
you've ever seen, like some kind of fusion between Oprah, Tipper Gore, and
Whoopie Goldberg. Now imagine that in cartridge form and that this evil
being has invaded your SNES. YES, THE GAME IS *THAT* BAD. Don't make
the same foolish mistake I did... don't play Secret of the Stars.
Super
Nintendo Entertainment System:
Secret of the Stars |
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Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
2.1 |
1 |
2 | 5.5 | 2 | 0 | |
Platform:
Sony PlayStation
Genre: Simulation
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release: November 1999
Developer: Jester Interactive
Publisher: Codemasters Group Limited
If
you are interested in making music and you can't play an instrument, this is the
game for you. You can
make songs without much music knowledge. It is also a game for those
without friends. Start a band all by yourself.
MTV Music Generator is about music. You make songs from hundreds of instruments and sounds. Piece the tracks together and you get a song. It even has an option to sample from the CDs you own.
This game is fun for anyone who likes music. You can make techno, rock, trance, hip-hop, house, drums & bass, and more. Make any song your heart desires. You can even create videos for the songs. The videos seem more like a waste of time, but if you want to make one, it is there for you.
The
audio is great. The music samples are in 11, 22, or 44 MHz. The
better the quality, the more blocks on the memory card 
used.
So it is up to you how the audio will sound. 11 MHz sounds as if you are
recording the song in a garbage can. 44 MHz sounds like the music is live
and very clear.
The controls are fairly simple. Once you learn all of them, you can navigate through the menus quickly. The controls don't matter much because there is no action in the game.
The graphics are a little bland. Just menus and icons. The video mode has very good graphics. They are very colorful and active. The best animation is the tunnel. The camera speeds through a path of your choice. The colors are also your choice.
The replay value depends on the player. If you like to make music, you will play it frequently. If you hate music, you will never play it again, but why would you hate music?
Overall, this is a great game. Don't be frightened by the fact that it has
"MTV" in its title. There are endless hours of songs to
create. One suggestion I make is to buy a multi memory card. I have
a 32 in 1 memory card. The songs can take up to all 15 blocks, so you
might run out of space with a card.
Sony
PlayStation:
MTV Music Generator |
|||||
Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
7.2 |
7 |
9 | 6 | 5 | 9 | |
Platform: Sony
PlayStation 2
Genre: Role-Playing
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: T - Teen
US Release: September 2003
Developer: Bandai
Publisher: Bandai
As many of you may know (and as everyone who cares about good video games should know), there are four .hack games covering one large story. .hack//OUTBREAK is the third installment of the series, and I think anyone who has read my previous review of .hack//MUTATION will know what's coming next. (If yo uare one of those people who doesn't want to be told to play the first two games multiple times, please skip the next paragraph.)
Play the first two games. That's right -- if you want to get
into this series, DO NOT start with this game! Starting with .hack PART 3
would be similar to starting at disc 3 of Final Fantasy VIII. You will not
get nearly as much enjoyment out of this game as you could if you don't play
the first two... so play them. While on that note.. if you want to get
more enjoyment/information about this game you should read my first two reviews
of the .hack games. Just go on ahead and click on the ARCHIVES button at
the top of the page and check 'em out. In case you are unsure of what
order the .hack games come in (even though they clearly state Part 1, Part 2,
etc. in the title), it is this: .hack//INFECTION, .hack//MUTATION,
.hack//OUTBREAK, .hack//QUARANTINE. Once more, if this hasn't sunk in
already... PLAY THE FIRST TWO GAMES (.hack//INFECTION and .hack//MUTATION)
BEFORE PLAYING THIS ONE! Rent them if you have to, they can all be beaten
relatively quickly and you will MISS OUT on several SIDE QUESTS as well as
IMPORTANT STORYLINE ELEMENTS if you don't!! Got it? Play.
First. Two. Games.
Alright then. If you are re-joining us here from paragraph one, welcome
back! The controls and visuals and audio and whatnot have not changed for
this installment of the .hack//SERIES. They are still easy to use, and are
a pretty and melodious as before, with not really any signs of
improvement/ruination. I consider this to be a major plus, since any major
change, whether it be an increase or a decrease in any aspect of the game other
than the storyline, would throw of my gaming "flow", so to speak.
The story has, indeed, gotten more exciting in this volume, and some parts will have you saying, "Oh.. wha.. ahh.. oh my... woaah...". It will keep you wrapped up in it until the very end, and when you finish this game you will find yourself quickly shooting off to the store to buy the final installment.
The replay value, as always, is still quite high. There are thousands and thousands of more areas to explore in this game, so you will never finish them all. Simply NAMING all the areas in the game would take way too long to even consider doing. Needless to say, it is very easy to replay this game and find something new to do, especially since, for the most part, the items in all the dungeons are randomly generated.
This series is, hands down, one of the most fun gaming series I've ever
played. It ranks way up there with series like Lufia, Dragon Warrior, and
Final Fantasy. The fact that this is more like an action/RPG rather than
one involving random encounters just makes it all the more enjoyable, and all
the easier to play multiple times. I have played the games in this series
for hundreds of hours, despite each of them being beatable in less than 15-20 hours,
without even considering the idea of boredom. If you are even the
slightest fan of RPGs of any type, you'd be doing yourself a disservice not to
play these games. Just make sure you refer to paragraph 2 of this review
before you do so.
Sony
PlayStation 2:
.hack//OUTBREAK: Part 3 |
|||||
Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
9.06 |
9.7 |
9 | 8.5 | 8.6 | 9.5 | |
Platform: Nintendo
Game Boy Advance
Genre: Action, Side-Scroller
# of Players: 1-2
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release: October 2003
Developer: Capcom
Publisher: Capcom
Being a long term Mega Man fan, I have a bias towards the positive sides to this game, but I will try to point out the negative elements as much as possible.
This game is pretty much standard Mega Man fare. You
run around the
levels, destroying enemies and jumping gaps. The main difference that sets
this game apart from the others in the Mega Man legacy is its grading
system. The system counts the number of hits you take, the number of
enemies you "retire" and the time taken to beat a mission as well as
some other factors, which I will come to later. The first stage can be
beaten quite easily with an "A" or higher, but the subsequent levels
really push up the difficulty and can be quite frustrating. A boss beaten
whilst you have an "A" rank will allow you to capture that boss' EX
Skill, which, when equipped, will upgrade your weaponry, giving you more
versatility. The game's difficulty also changes depending on your
rank. If you attempt a mission with rank "A", there will be more
and tougher opponents. Each boss also has a special attack that it only
uses if you have an "A" rank or higher.
The
game's plot focuses on Zero's continuing search for X. His journeys bring
him to a wasteland, where a huge army of X Clones attack him. He battles
through, but then collapses on the sand. His former enemy, Harpuia,
rescues him from certain death and drops him off at the New Resistance Base, led
by the mysterious Commander Elpizo. The Resistance are still battling Neo
Arcadia, who are "retiring" innocent robots. The game's
narrative is a lot heavier than most platform games can manage, with a
continuing story that resolves very little of the many questions it raises to
the avid Mega Man gamer.
At this point I will warn you -- this game is not for casual gamers. It will not sell well here in the UK because it has not been advertised heavily and has not been given great magazine reviews. Most publications' major criticism of Mega Man games is that there are too many of them and they have not diversified enough. Personally, I consider this a spurious argument.
Take the Resident Evil series as an example. How much has that consistently popular series changed over the years? The simple answer is, it really hasn't. This argument can also be leveled at the Tekken series of fighting games. It isn't a relevant argument. A game should be judged as new and praised on its own merits. The reason that this fine game may never be accepted by the gaming mainstream is its difficulty and the relative ambiguity of it's main character, Zero.
Onto the gameplay, then. The controls are right, instinctive, and
responsive. If you die, it's your own fault. The levels are well
designed and tough without ever seeming
unsurpassable. The game is split
into missions, which adhere to a somewhat deep storyline, continued, naturally,
from the previous game. Zero can climb walls, dash, and use four different
weapons. The Z-Saber is one of the starting weapons and will probably be
your best friend throughout the game. You also begin with a handgun, which
is only really used against certain enemies on whom it would be suicide to try a
melee attack. The other two weapons are the Chain Rod, which allows you to
grapple onto things, and the Shield Boomerang, which allows you to deflect enemy
bullets. Each weapon can be upgraded, a process that takes effect through
extensive use. After battling your way through a stage, you face a boss
character mano-a-mano. The bosses have ridiculous names such as Phoenix
Magnion and Hewligg Urobokkle, and will assault you will all the power they
possess. Most bosses are challenging, but they are not on par, difficulty
wise, with the guardians you face in the original Mega Man Zero. However,
that is not to say they are a pushover. Phoenix Magnion, especially, will
have you ripping your hair out.
The graphics are solid. The landscapes and sprites do the job, but the boss characters are very well designed and drawn. The music can be atmospheric and hummable. Play this game with the headphones on.
Overall? A very enjoyable little platformer which, sadly, few will
play.
Nintendo
Game Boy Advance (PAL):
Mega Man Zero 2 |
|||||
Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
8.06 |
| 8.7 | 8.1 | 9.7 | 7.5 | 6.3 | |
Platform: Sony
PlayStation 2 (PAL)
Genre: Platformer
# of Players: 1-2
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release: January 2004
Developer: Sonic Team
Publisher: Sega
The
announcement of a new Sonic game usually results in hysteria as the REAL Sonic
fans work themselves up in anticipation of the new product. Every new
screen released results only in fevering the already hysterical gamers that have
been waiting and hoping for a Sonic game that can capture the dizzy thrills of
the immensely popular Genesis games of the 90's. Unfortunately, the fans
are almost always disappointed. And Sonic Heroes does little to change
that. Yes, this game has its moments, but ultimately it's a disappointing
and
frustrating romp.
Sonic Heroes has taken Sonic Adventure 2 Battle and ironed out all the non-essential parts, such as a half-way decent plot, and the Chao. This leaves you with the most basic of platformer, with most levels being a simple case of classic "Get from A to B" style gameplay. However, Sonic Team has come up with a new idea -- the teams! You can choose a team from a choice of four (Team Sonic, Team Dark, Team Rose, and Team Chaotix), and take them through a succession of colorful levels. Each team has a "speed" character (Sonic, Shadow, Amy, Espio), a "Power" character (Knuckles, Omega, Big, Vector), and a "Fly" character (Tails, Rouge, Cream, Charmee). Speed characters can use a homing attack to bounce along trails of enemies and grab useful items, Power characters can break heavy objects and smash open new routes, and Fly characters can carry their teammates over obstacles and bring down flying enemies. This team system is more than a gimmick, as you have to use each character in order to progress through the levels.
The controls, then. The buttons are all in the right places, but they don't do what you tell them to! This problem is most evident when you are switching characters in the heat of battle. All too frequently I have pressed the "Character switch button", only to end up with the exact opposite character I selected. This is just not good enough in a commercial video game. This kind of glitch should have died with the Sinclair Spectrum. Also, jumps are unpredictable, as occasionally a press of the jump button will send you hurtling forwards in a vain attempt to homing attack absolute nothingness.
The difficulty level of this installment of the Sonic series is high. And
not because of devious enemy placement. You will find yourself dying due
to overly floaty controls and the lack of any progressive movement.
Pushing the analogue stick only slightly forward will result in your character
just standing there but pushing it further in will set them dashing off like a
lunatic. This means that the later levels, with their reliance on
precision jumping, are rendered amazingly hard. Another factor adding to
the difficulty is the lack of a shadow below each character. This again
means that jumps are nearly impossibly to accurately judge.
Also, levels that are simple all the way through can be spoiled by a stupid and
cheap obstacle at the end. One such obstacle is a tower of rising lava at
the end of the fourth stage. You must make your way up, destroying every
enemy you come across. The camera angle this is viewed from is insane, and
it is teeth-grindly frustrating to have to repeat an entire stage because of one
poorly-thought-out trap. The levels aren't short either, most clocking in
around at least eight minutes of gaming.
The sound in this game varies in quality. The main theme is outstanding -- appropriate, engaging, and catchy. Also up there on the musical scale are the casino levels, special stage themes, and the otherwise infuriating Bullet Station. Unfortunately, the voice acting is completely tragic. Tails sounds like a sniveling little child gargling on horse vomit whilst being jammed in the stomach by a red-hot poker. And don't get me started on Charmee Bee...
This games graphics are the very definition of "fine". The
colours are attractive and the sensation of speed is put across very
nicely. However, the camera is a waste of
time. Moving the right
analogue stick to adjust the camera has the tendency to throw you into a
COMPLETELY POINTLESS first-person viewpoint. Thus, you are restricted to
using the L2 and R2 buttons to change the view, which feels awkward and
unnatural. The perspective on certain areas is also ridiculous, and makes
the game needlessly tough.
Enough bashing, though. This game is not ALL bad. It has some brilliant moments that will make you proud to be a Sonic fan. You just have to work for them. The very first level is masterful. It will suck you in more than any Sonic game has before. When you see those chequered hills, you will feel instant nostalgia, and you won't be able to stop yourself from smiling. Another sweet moment is when you first reach a special stage. To access these bonus levels, you must obtain a special key from somewhere inside the level, and keep it to the end. This is easier said than done, as a single hit will cause you to lose the key. When you finally reach the special stage, you will revel in the colour and speed. They are even hypnotizing at times.
The replay value is high, with "A" ranks to achieve to unlock new multiplayer modes (which are fairly poor), and as secret single player mode. The problem is, would you want to? Beyond collecting all the emeralds and finishing the final stage, the game may lose its appeal.
Sonic fans will by this anyway. Others -- worth a rent... maybe.
Sony
PlayStation 2
(PAL):
Sonic Heroes |
|||||
Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
6.76 |
| 4.7 | 7.6 | 6 | 7.1 | 8.4 | |
H. 
Platform: Nintendo
GameCube
Genre: Role-Playing
# of Players: 1-4
ESRB Rating: T - Teen
US Release: February 2004
Developer: Square-Enix
Publisher: Square-Enix
For the first time in years, Square has finally come back to the Nintendo home console with Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles. This multiplayer RPG is a very original concept and intuitive in nature. However, this acts much like a double-edged sword. First off, this isn't your typical Final Fantasy game. In fact, the only thing Final Fantasy about it is the recognizable creatures from other FF games.
Let
me start off with the game itself. Square has created a
four-player RPG
that plays much like Gauntlet Legends. Single player is played with just a
controller, while multiplayer utilizes the Game Boy Advance-to-GameCube link
with a Game Boy Advance unit. Yes, you use the Game Boy as your
controller. At first this seems a little awkward, but after playing with
other people you begin to understand why this was necessary. With the Game
Boy, you have two screens. Your Game Boy screen allows you to go through
your inventory quickly and easily, is great for mid-fight changes, and shows
stuff that would otherwise clutter the main screen, like letters and your
map. This is really good, because it keeps the game moving. Instead
of having to wait for each player to read and reply to their letters one at a
time on the TV, like in single player, you can all do it at once on your Game
Boys.
Each player has a unique map. One person might see just monsters, while
another will just see treasure. The idea is to work together for the
common good of beating the level. There are many areas where teamwork is
needed. In order to create more powerful and unique spells, you need to
cast spells that merge with other people. This adds a lot to the fun of
multiplayer. There are four different races to choose from, all with their
unique attributes. There are also jobs that will affect what your family
can do for you and your caravan. 
There is also the Chalice that must be
carried with you at all times. Even though it is annoying and tedious to
lug around, I believe it adds to the challenge of working together.
Graphically, this game looks amazing. Square never disappoints in their jaw-dropping visuals. This game has no FMVs, and all cut-scenes are in-game. Still, the game has beautiful graphics.
The sounds, which Square also never disappoints in, is also superb. The music is classic to the game, and the sound effects are awesome to behold.
Now
that I have said everything great about this game, let me turn to the bad.
It actually feels like Square kind of half-assed this game in many different
areas. For instance, trying to get many people from different memory cards
to play together is a long and extremely annoying task of sending people over as
a guest. Then there is the fact that when you transfer over, you don't get
to keep anything you find except the leveling up artifacts This is such a
load of crap, since you could have found a kick-ass sword but know you are going
to lose it once you transfer your character back. 
Another problem is the controls. They are way too complicated for the simplistic GBA set-up. In order to pull off some of the better spells, the timing is a factor, and this can be really tedious and annoying, especially in a boss battle. There is also little want to play by yourself after you have played with others or have beaten the game. The game was definitely made for multiplayer, and not single. This is evident in one level, where some of the puzzles are down-right impossible to do in single player. This shows the lack of care Square put into some of the features of this game. I could go on and on about how you can give people your old weapons and armor if they need it, or even sell them for cash, or how the inventory is very cluttered and it lacks simplicity, but that would take forever. This definitely drops the fun level, even though the game itself is fun... you know what I mean.
Anyway, overall, it's a fun game to play, but it isn't anything stellar, and it
has some ugly sides. If you really enjoy games like Gauntlet Legends, then
I may suggest you rent before you buy to see how you like it. I also know
that no matter what I say, FF fans are still going to want to get their hands on
this game. Really, it had much more potential than Square gave the
game. I think I'll end with that... potential.
*
Nintendo
GameCube:
Final Fantasy - Crystal Chronicles |
|||||
Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
6.4 |
| 6 | 9 | 3 | 9 | 5 | |
- Geoff Osman
* Scores given by guest reviewers are not officially endorsed by GameCola.
This is just pathetic. You guys get no cute little quips or even
half-joking sarcasm. YOU'RE ALL PATHETIC. We got one entry for this
contest, considering that the other entry we got was from a now-staffed
member. And, to top this all off, the one entry was from someone I know
personally, and who I believe I asked to enter out of pure pity for the
contest. So, Joe Schwartz, you get my personal thanks for caring at least
ONE iota, but as for the rest of you... my contests are being suspended until
further notice. You're all pathetic.
Question: We have new forums. Why aren't you on them?
Question: Did you know that the forums are a powerful communications tool?
Question: Do you care?
Answer: No.
Question: Would you care if you got stuff for using the forums?
Answer: Hell yeah!
Then head on over to our forums, where you can win stuff just by posting. We're offering you a chance to win a free GameCola hat, or one of two Loafy Carl mini-posters, just for posting! Three random posts will be picked to win one of our fabulous prizes! Each post you make will be entered into the contest automatically, and three of those posts will be ganked to be winners!
Full rules and details can be found at:
http://contest.gcforums.kevinsnet.com.
The forums can be found at:
http://gcforums.kevinsnet.com.
For more information, you can e-mail the
forum administrator, Kevin Leacock, at kleacock@gamecola.net.
VIII. 
Ted Gleasons's Top 10 Favorite Video games
Elkins Park, PA
10. Tetris (GBO): This game never gets old, no matter how long you play it. Screw these new iterations of the classic, give me the old green and gray gameboy version, plain and simple, addictive and magnificent.
9. Legend of
Zelda: Ocarina of Time (N64): One of the most amazing games of all time, the
sheer scope of this game shook me. Featuring one of the best storylines I
can remember, and graphics that, at the time, blew me away, as well as some of
the best gameplay ever, Miyamoto-san's masterpiece kicks major ass.
8. Sonic the Hedgehog 3 (SG): Fast, exciting gameplay, innovative level design, and some nice tweaks to the standard formula helped edge this one slightly above the rest of the series (that 3D crap doesn't count). Plus, the bonus stages kept me up till the wee hours of the night trying to get the chaos emeralds.
7. Grandia (PSX): Grandia did something that most other low-quality RPGs couldn't do, namely create characters with more dimensions than a piece of paper, and create a battle system that didn't make me dread every time the screen went WHOOSH into another battle. Classic, check it out, but leave its craptacular sequel alone.
6. Harvest Moon (SNES, GB): How many other games have the balls to be about farming? I actually enjoyed the everyday life of a farmer, and felt compelled to see it through till the end.
5. Bust-a-Move
(series): Forget that knock-off "Snood" 
bullshit, BAM did it
first, and did it better. Pure adrenaline and hand-eye coordination are a
must for this timeless action/puzzle game.
4. Marvel vs. Capcom 2 (Arcade): Sure, all of the Street Fighter games are classic, but this one is my favorite. Seizure-inducing action and visuals round off the insane fun-factor and ridiculous gameplay. The only bad thing about this game is the pseudo jazzy soundtrack that was incredibly out of place.
3. Castlevania: Symphony of the Night (PSX): Combining the awesome exploration of Super Metroid and the gothic aura of the previous Castlevanias, plus just a dash of role-playing elements, SotN never disappoints. Everything in this game is so well designed and always fun, plus it even stays crunchy in milk.
2. Super Mario World (SNES): One hundred plus levels of classic Mario action made even greater by some of the best power-ups our friendly Italian plumber brothers have ever offered. Yoshi rocks hardcore too, and the whole alternate universe deal kicks ass.
1. Final
Fantasy (series): I only list them all as one because a list of ten FF games
would be boring and stupid. These games all kick my ass in terms of
amazing story, fantastic graphics, and awesome battle systems. Seriously
folks, they're... the best. My personal fav is VIII. Check it out or
kindly be square.
|
For some reason, we don't seem to get very many of those. I don't understand. Is it really that hard to write about your top ten favorite/least favorite games? I bet it isn't as hard as you're making it out to be. I say go for it; give it a go, kid. If you do it, I'll make it worth your while.. you'll be featured in GameCola! That's right, we're in the business of making dreams come true! Now then, let us do it for you, okay? e-mail: Top10@gamecola.net |
IX. 
When was the last time you dusted off your ol' NES for a round of Duck Hunt? How long has it been since you last partook in some Warlords for the Atari 2600? Have you ever even played a game for ColecoVision at all? These and many more are the topics addressed at the yearly Philly Classic gaming convention, Pennsylvania's retro-gaming answer to E3.
From outside the Valley
Forge Convention Center (which is surprisingly not in Philadelphia) on the big
day, you can barely tell that you're on the outskirts of a gaming
convention. There are a few signs up (but even on those, PC5 share's its
space with advertisements for computer and gem shows), but for the most part, it
looks like any other boring building. There are no big flashing signs with
pictures of space invaders, or giant banners proclaiming this building to be the
home of the "East Coast Gamer's Event", or even a college kid
dresses as Mario holding a sign that says "Welcome to the convention,
kiddies!". But don't you worry
about that last one; you'll see
plenty of costumed characters once you make your way into the basement of the
convention center, where Philly Classic 5 was held.
For me, this was easily a highlight of Philly Classic 5 -- all the cosplay folk that dressed up for the occasion. My personal favorite was the Dr. Mario that even forged a plaster pill, but there were also a few Links and Zeldas, a few Resident Evil zombies, and even a girl dressed as Kairi from Kingdom Hearts. There was a costume contest towards the end of the event, and I almost wished that I had dressed up; but those thoughts were shattered when I saw a guy with a near-authentic Ghostbusters outfit (complete with a realistic-looking proton pack), and I knew that I'd have been totally owned in the competition.
Speaking of competition, Philly Classic 5 had it's fair share of gaming contests, including bouts of Tetris, Pokémon Puzzle League, and, of course, Dance Dance Revolution. Myself, I participated in the Soul Calibur tournament, and got completely destroyed in the first round after lasting almost a minute. Fighting games were never my forte, and neither were games that I've only played once (and a really long time ago, at that). Such is life, I suppose. Aaanyway, the contests were a bit of a disappointment this year, because there weren't as many as there were last time I went (Philly Classic 5), and the ones there were weren't very interesting. Neal was especially disappointed about the lack of a Dr. Mario tournament, as I'm sure you'll read about in "Awesomer".
As per the norm for a gaming convention (and many a flea market, too), there were old games galore for sale at the Philly Classic 5, and thankfully, not too many of them were over priced. Here's a quick list of some of my purchasing highlights:
Swordquest: Earthworld and Fireworld
(A26): Longtime 
GameCola
fans will recall a quadrilogy of articles on the Swordquest series written
in the early issues of GC, and those articles were written without any
actual first-hand experience playing the games. (Thankfully, the
articles were more about the historical interestingness of the series, and
not their gameplay).
Fungicide (DVD): It appears to be
a movie about a killer mushroom. The director and star of the film
were the ones selling the disc to me, so that should give you an idea of the
its quality. Since I bargained with the director on the movie's price
(bringing a $17 dollar price tag down to $15), he refused to autograph it
for me. Hopefully the movie's at least decent.
N-Gage Baseball Cap: Matt harassed
me about this purchase for the rest of the event, but who cares? It's
an important piece of gaming history! In ten years you'll all be
clamoring for N-Gage paraphernalia, I guarantee it.
Issue 1 of Manci Games: I had
actually subscribed to this a few months back (on the recommendation of
Allec), and I bet I was one of few people at PC5 who already knew what the
magazine was. It reads almost like a print version of GameCola, with
it's focus on "retro" games and features on titles that the
current crop of gamers have probably never heard of. I'm about halfway
through it so far and I'm enjoying it a lot, so if you're interested in
subscribing, check them out at http://www.mancigames.com/.
Kool-Aid Man Artwork: This is probably my favorite buy from the event. It's a painting by Aimee Dingman of the pixilated Kool-Aid man from his Atari 2600 title, and it set me back only 20 bucks. Too bad I can't bring it to college with me 'cause someone would probably throw up on it or something. Interested in video game artwork? Visit Aimee Dingman's site at http://www.podkaynestudios.com/.
Saving the best for last, Philly Classic 5 also featured a vast number of old arcade units, all set to free play, for the enjoyment of all us dorks. Some of the machines had already broken down by the time we'd gotten to that part of the convention, and most were occupied throughout the event by bigger dorks than even the GC staff, but the ones I got to play were pretty awesome. Too bad I didn't write down their names, or I'd have a few recommendations for all you loyal readers.
As I said last time I
wrote about this convention, I urge anyone who has the change to check out the
Philly Classic next time it rolls around. The old games are fun,
there's ton of stuff to blow your money on, and you get to see a lot of
fun people dressed up in strange costumes. If they continue this trend of
having less tournaments than before I may have to rethink my recommendation, but
as of now I say you should go next year. So do it. Keep an eye out
for me -- I'll be the one harassing every Link and Zelda around for a
photograph.
X. 
As I'm well aware,
you've probably already finished reading Paul's coverage of the annual east
coast gamer event, Philly Classic 5. Now, I've been a big fan of the expo
for these past few years, as I've been an avid attendant since Philly Classic 3
in 2002. Much to my dismay, the convention became a mere shadow of it's
self. To me, what made Philly Classic so good before
was the innocent
flea-market feel, the homely displays, and the low prices that I've come to
appreciate. This year, however, I found it was over commercialized, more
crowded, prettier, and to my dismay, a lot less game-filled. This did not
sit well with me, as I was already completely pissed beyond belief that there
was no Dr. Mario tournament after all. Sadly, it seems this is the way it
will continue to slip, and I will tell you for sure by the time PC6 rolls
around. If I find that the trend carries on, I doubt that I shall attend
PC7 all those years from now. Pause to cry!
But upward and onward, there is a ray of hope in the spotlight.
The realm of video game
cover bands is not one for the mainstream, but one band undoubtedly commands the
genre and will continue to do so for ages. I am, of course, talking about
The Minibosses. Since 2000, the 'Bosses have been kicking ass and taking
names, playing classic NES game themes in a rock style. Among the classic
titles are Ninja Gaiden, Contra, and the epic Metroid. They are localized
in the Phoenix, AZ area, so for some time now the east coast has been bereft of
their unique brand of rock. This is no longer the 
case.
The Minibosses will be on the Moustache Over America tour of the east coast with the likes of Rye Coalition and Eagles of Death Metal (featuring Josh Homme from Queens of the Stone Age). As an avid supporter of the band, and self-proclaimed "Minibossie", this is pretty good news, to say the least. Make sure to stop by their website (http://www.minibosses.com), and pick up a shirt and their brand new EP. The EP features the themes from Mega Man 2 and Castlevania 3, in addition to some nifty recordings from the road. Sales from the EP will go to fund the production of the upcoming full-length album, so make sure you do your part for this terrific public service.
If you've read this and
aren't completely convinced, stop by the site and check them out. It's a
great listen whether or not you're an advocate of the Nintendo Entertainment
System, but judging by your reading of GameCola, I think it can be assumed that
you are. Check out the website and see if they are stopping in a town near
you. I'd check soon because by the time you read this, the tour will be
well underway. I'll be sure to tell you how it went by the time the next
Awesomer rolls around, but until then, this has been Neal, and as sure I am that
the Minibosses rock, I am awesomer than you.
Chapter Eleven
Random Passerby: It's a tree... why the hell are they having problems deciding which way to go around it?
In the confusion to decide which way to go around the tree, Captain "7-Eye" Render VI of Trelenodora and Rivers split up and each went different directions around the tree. Captain "7-Eye" Render VI of Trelenodora went to the right of the tree, and Rivers went to the left. A few seconds later, Captain "7-Eye" Render VI of Trelenodora was on the other side of the tree waiting for Rivers, but when he looked back he noticed Rivers sprawled out on the ground.
Render: HA! I KNEW there was a forcefield on that side!
Rivers: Awhu.. then why didn't you tell me about it?
Rivers pulled himself up and went around the other side of the tree to meet Captain "7-Eye" Render VI of Trelenodora.
Render: There are just some things a man has to figure out for himself.
Rivers: What?! That's a horrible reason!
Render: Oh well, there's no time to waste arguing about this; we'd best be on our way.
Captain "7-Eye" Render VI of Trelenodora and Rivers walked a short distance before the random passerby that had noticed them earlier appeared in front of their path.
Random Passerby: d00d, why'd you fall down next to that tree?
Rivers: There was a forcefield!
Random Passerby: Lame.
Render: So, Random Passerby, do you have a name?
Random Passerby: But of
course, my good man! I am the Glorious Lord Eric, Grand Master
Barbarian
Mage of the Third Cave of Hariant!
Rivers: Uh...
Render: His name's longer than mine...
Rivers: Yeah it is, a whole lot longer.
Render: Well that's not gonna work. I'm the leader, I should have the longest name!
Rivers: Let's change it to just "Eric", then.
Render: Better yet, Enrique!
Rivers: All right then. Your new name is Enrique.
Enrique: Cool.
Rivers:
While we're at it, I'd like to change my name. I've been with the group a
while and I
think i deserve a longer name.
Render: All right then, as long as it's not half as long as mine.
Rivers: It's not! Call me... Rivers FUSION!
Render & Enrique: ........
Rivers: C'mon! 'Cause of my fusion powers!
Render:
What ever you want. Now, let's get going before that he/she giant cat
thing catches
up with us. You're part of the group now, Enrique; let's go.
Enrique: w00!
The group, now with one more member, continues their flight from the angry Najen/Barin power duo. A very short time later, they are stopped once again by a strange looking creature.
Strange Creature: Hello travelers, might I interest you i...
Render: No time, strange creature! Come with us and we'll talk later.
Now with four members, including the addition of the strange creature, the group continues its trek. An even shorter time later they are stopped once again, this time by a large stone wall.
Render:
Augh! We don't have time for this!! Get out of the way and
we'll let you join us, large
stone wall.
Large Stone Wall: Mmmmm... urrrrrrrrr... ohhkaaay yooomaahhhn...
Render:
It's not "human", it's Captain "7-Eye" Render VI of
Trelenodora. I'll introduce everyone
later, let's go!
The group of five resumed the journey, and surprisingly were not slowed down at all by the addition of a large stone wall. Despite that fact, they were stopped yet again shortly after, this time by none other than the two-headed wonderbeast Najenbarin.
Najenbarin: So, I've finally caught up with you, meow!
Render: AAAAAHH! DAMN IT ALL!
I'm just trying to get practically four feet from the damned cave to
the ship and every two seconds I'm getting stopped by these RANDOM
ENCOUNTERS! And
now she's caught up with us AGAIN! How many times are we supposed to face
her before
she's gone for good?!
In a burst of anger, Captain "7-Eye" Render VI of Trelenodora threw down the controller in his hands, sending it crashing to the ground.
Rivers: HEY!! That was mine you big jerk!
Enrique: d00d where'd you get a controller?
Render: That's not important right now! First we have to deal with Najenbarin AGAIN!
Rivers: The left analog stick is all loose.. and it's got dirt all in it...
Najenarin: You won't get from meow this time, meow!
Enrique: Uh.. what's goin' on with her?
Render:
Oh.. Rivers "Fusion" over there fused this girl with her boyfriend..
who happened to be a
cat at the time.
Enrique: Freaky.
Render: Tell me about it.
Rivers:
And these buttons stick every time you press 'em.. I have to keep hitting the
side of it to
be able to come out so I can press 'em again...
Najearin: Meow! Stop meowing side conversations and meow attention to MEOW!!
Large Stone Wall: Thiiiis
iiiiss noooo yoooo-maaahn... buuuut iiiisss aaaaarrrohhgaaaahhnt liiiike
aaaa
yoooooo-maaaahhn... Thee fyooooozhuuhhn muuuhst beee
truue.
Strange Creature:
Yes, I suppose that one there lamenting the loss of that strange thing he's
holding must
really have fusion powers... interesting...
Rivers: The right side is all cracked open, too...
Najerin: MEOW MEOW I'LL MEOW YOU!!
Render: Ugh.. will you just sh....
Render froze in the middle of his sentence when he turned around to finally pay full attention to Najerin. Apparently something strange was happening with the fusion, and the two heads were slowly being fused together.
Najrin: Meow are meow looking at, meow?!
Everyone: ...
Najin: Meow Meow me!!
Everyone: ...
Nain: MEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOW!!!!
With that final meow, Nain seemingly exploded in a large burst of fire and smoke and leaves and dirt. There was no change of anyone having their attention focused on something else at this point, and the group just stared wide-eyed at the explosion.
Nain: What in the world...
The group was confused at how Nain could have survived, and waited for the smoke to clear to see what had become of her.
Render: The smoke is clearing up... I think I can see something...
Rivers: This is completely useless now... you owe me a new one...
Render: I definitely see something now... what is i... HOLY CRAP! It's ________!
Which Gate Do You Choose?
Dugo!
Render: How in the world did Dugo get back here?
Najen and Barin!
Render & Rivers: Najen and Barin are back in their true forms?!
Render & Rivers: Oh $#@%.
Tryn!
Render: Tryn?? What happened to the tree?
Jonathan the Minotaur!
Render: Hey Jonathan! What's u
