Volume
4, Issue 10 - October 2005 |
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Also Featuring: NOT Lizo, Tim Morea, Dan Rodman, Pat Gardner, Heather, Sam Evert, Genevieve Regan, eric burchfield, Michael Kazwell, Allec Johnson, "She's Pretty Cool Otherwise," and "Perturbed in Pennsylvania" |
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A number of you (one is still a number, right?) have written in asking for my thoughts on the next generation of gaming consoles. While I'm not quite finished with this generation yet (or the last several, for that matter), this appears to be a pressing issue on the hearts, minds, and souls of our loyal readers, so I feel it is my duty to have it a go. Even if I would rather just play Pugsley's Scavenger Hunt than most of the Xbox 360's launch titles.
If third-party developers actually try to do something with the Revolution's new-fangled controller, you could see some great things with Nintendo's upcoming console. Entire new genres could be forged, entirely different ways of thinking about the videogame could be developed. Or, at the very least, we could see a stateside version of Kenshin Dragon Quest.
But, based on the Dual
Screen, there's a good chance this won't actually happen. Developers
haven't been too keen on the innovative portable yet; just look at the shelves
of your standard gaming store. You'll see a few ports of old games with
poke-at-the-screen minigames thrown in, a few racing games that
devote an entire screen to the map, a few games comprised entirely of
poke-at-the-screen minigames, and a dating sim. They're not even trying.
If developers work against the controller, forcing it to
work with the same old genres and games we've seen rehashed a hundred times
over, the Revolution won't be anything special. Well, unless you consider
games too awkward to control to be particularly special, that is. If
developers find one nifty trick and repeat it ad infinitum in all of their
games, the Revolution won't be anything special. It'll just be another failed
gimmicky console. The only way it's going to be
anything special is if developers have the courage to actually be creative for
a change, and if publishers actually let them develop something other than
Burly Men Kill Aliens #3469.
The back-library idea, at
least, is blatantly brilliant.
It'll be even better if we can purchase any Nintendo game on-demand
via their online service; but even offering older games as bonuses with newer titles is great.
How many among you would purchase Paper Mario 3 just to get your hands on a
souped-up Super Mario RPG?
The other two consoles, as you might've seen, just look like more of
the same. Same old games with newer graphics. Same old uncreative games with
slightly newer graphics. That might have worked in the last few generations, when each new generation brought along a superb leap in graphical
elegance; but that leap is growing smaller and smaller every time. And if you look at the responses to the graphical prowess of these two new consoles so far, they've been lukewarm at best.
Of course, more of the same might be for the best. It's worked over the last several generations; whereas systems that have tried to innovate (Virtual Boy? DS?) haven't
been so successful. The public hasn't shown that it
likes to "change the system" very much, and with good reason: The
innovation has to actually be good, not just innovation for
innovation's sake.
Personally, I'll be buying a PlayStation 3, and then a Revolution. I figure with the PS3 I'll be able to get most of the non-Nintendo great tiles out there, since you know pretty much every game is gonna be released for both systems. Just like in this generation, where there wasn't really a point to owning more than one system unless you felt some dire need to play both Halo and Super Smash Bros. Melee, and couldn't be bothered to make chums with someone who owned an Xbox.
I won't be getting Xbox 360 when it comes out, or ever, unless it manages at least five console-specific titles that are worth owning.
I'm not holding my breath on that one.
I don't know if anyone remembers this, but a few months back I wrote about how, eventually, the industry's gonna reach a point where it can increase the power of its consoles all it wants and make the graphics as pretty as it wants, and it's not going to matter anymore. Nobody's gonna care anymore. They'll have seen it all, or at least all that's worth seeing.
At that point the company that succeeds won't be the one with the sleekest system, or the coolest marketing campaign, or the hottest E3 booth babes — it'll be the one that actually tries something different, and tries it well.
Think we've reached that
point yet?
Love,
Paul Franzen
Editor-in-Chief
e-mail: pfranzen@gamecola.net
P.S. Congratulations to Travis Comb and Matt Wright for gettin' hitched this month! Well, not to each other, but still.
II. 
Letters.
Holy good lord, EVERYTHING about boys?!
My favorite part of this issue was when there were reviews about games that WEREN'T shooters. Also, why didn't that fan animation go into testgame? You should take
The Lizo's job. She s0x0r my r0x... I mean... nvm.
Also, you should warn people before you publish slash fiction. I'm highly offended, and now I have to burn my eyes out. Thanks
a lot.
- NOT Lizo
I liked the review of the Conker game.
- Tim Morea
The review for Halo, because of it's unprofessional, yet engaging, style of expression.
- Dan Rodman
Dear Mr. Franzen:
I was very disturbed to read the article “GameCola Fanfiction”. While I envision my son falling asleep at midnight with textbooks still in his hands, having forgotten to eat he was so busy studying for his intense academic classes, this article led me to believe he may be up all night playing computer and video games, which he assured me would not be happening. What is a mother to believe?? And what about all this handholding and crying??? I am beginning to think I may be wasting my extremely hard-earned money on a college education comprised of gaming??? Please tell me this isn’t true!!!!
Sincerely,
Pat Gardner
-
Introducing GameCola's own Elizabeth Medina-Gray to address your letter!:
Dear Mrs. Gardner,
As the creator of the fanfiction referred to in your letter, I would like to apologize for any distress or discomfort I may have
inadvertently caused as a result of said fanfiction. It was meant to be a harmless story, and certainly doesn't reflect the true state of any of GameCola's staff members' personal lives. Your son is, I'm sure, hard at work studying at this very moment. :-)
Wow, this is actually really tough. The GameCola Fanfic was incredible, but I'm actually going to have to go with the interview with the talking skull. As an aspiring voice actor about to start doing just what he says not to
—
take a bunch of voice classes to avoid actually auditioning
—
I found his advice helpful and the responses amusing. Plus, I'm secretly in love with Murray.
Anyway, I like this form thing too, much easier than sending e-mails, though I would anyway because I neeed some advice from Clarissa about boys! Choose me!
- Heather
Re: Terrence Atkins' Letter Last Month
I never called Zack Huffman a liar at all. If you really want to know what I said you can read this:
I love Zack Huffman's review of Tomb Raider: The
Cradle of Life. I liked how he made up the whole part about Lara Croft trying to get a
magical baby's cradle that will rejuvenate her and that she will have to fight Santa
Claus and Hitler along the way.
(This is in the archive for Volume 4, Issue 8: August 2005)
I personally don't see the word liar in any of this letter. I was even saying I liked the part so I wasn't calling him a liar I was telling them that I liked that part of the issue.
- Sam Evert
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Introducing GameCola's own Terrence Atkins! to address your letter!:
"he made up the whole part about Lara Croft trying to get a magical baby's cradle that will rejuvenate her and that she will have to fight Santa Claus and Hitler along the way."
Just because you didn't use the word "liar" doesn't mean you didn't call him a liar. And now you've gone and e-mailed me calling me a liar. Fortunately for you, though, I can't be provoked as easily as Zack Huffman. Let me know how that huff style ass-kicking went in your next email.
very nice Paul, my roommate was very impressed. Tell Eric I said hi.
Our favorite part was Eric calling you sexist.
- Genevieve Regan
Gotta be the statistics in your opening "Dear Readers..." More of them please!!!
And also, how do you find out what people have put into Google and stumbled upon GameCola??
Gimme the book please!! Everyone loves Clarissa!!!
- Matt Wright
- It's pretty easy, actually; Yahoo tells me. Yahoo gives me a list of
keywords used to discover GameCola, links clicked on that brought people to
GameCola, browsers used while surfing GameCola, and many equally as useless
statistics.
"mario touches peach's lips."
funny on so many levels.
- eric burchfield
I enjoyed the review of Animal Crossing because that game rocks.
Please send me the Clarissa book, because I am totally clueless about boys and have always trusted Clarissa's advice.
- Michael Kazwell
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This is your place to shine, readers! Send us just about anything, and chances are we'll paste it in here. Letters, artwork, poetry, photographs, comic strips, fanfiction—anything you can think of, you send it to us, and we'll put it in an upcoming issue. Sound good? e-mail - submissions@gamecola.net |
III. 
For those wondering how our ratings system works, it'd be a good idea to read this before moving ahead to our reviews.
Our crack review squad* has chosen the five attributes that we feel determine the overall quality of a videogame, which are:
Fun - the overall enjoyment experienced while playing a videogame,
Audio - the music and sound effects of a videogame,
Controls - the physical means by which a videogame is played,
Visuals - the graphical aesthetics of a videogame, and
Replay Value - a videogame's worth in playing after completion.
Other attributes such as gameplay, story, difficulty, and concept are not individually rated, as they can all be worked into one or more of the above categories.
Each attribute is rated with a numerical value ranging from 0 to 10, with 0 being the absolute rock-bottom, epitome of all awfulness, five being average (which is important to remember; many gaming publications use a 5/10 to mean "bad", but here it means "neither good nor bad"), and 10 being perfect (which should, theoretically, never be used; there is no absolute perfect in this industry). The individual scores are then averaged together, which results in an overall rating of a videogame's quality.
The attributes themselves are rated in comparison with those of videogames from the same genre and console as the one being reviewed. For example, the audio rating of Uncle Worm for the TI-83 Plus Graphing Calculator would be 5 instead of the presumed 0 for having no sound, because it is average of games for that console to have no sound. In the same light, an RPG that a gamer would want to complete only once would have a Replay Value of 5, while that of an RPG with incentive for multiple plays (such as alternate endings) would rate higher. One final example, to make sure we're all on the same page: The attributes of Dragon Warrior, an NES RPG, would be rated in comparison with those of (among others) Final Fantasy, an NES RPG, but not with Metroid, an NES action title, or Kingdom Hearts, a PS2 RPG.
Got it? Now you can go ahead and see what we have to say this month.
*Paul Franzen was the only member of the crack review squad involved in creating the GameCola ratings system.
Click here to peruse an archive of the games we've reviewed and the scores we've given them.
(Please note: GameCola welcomes
its readers to send in their reviews of any games we've yet to cover.
Please keep in mind, however, that we do not currently review PC titles, and as
such, we are unable to publish any PC game reviews you send us.
Thanks!)
Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System
Genre:
Frankenstein is supposedly based on the novel of the same name.
I'm guessing they based it off a version of the novel that was translated into Japanese, then
inexplicably translated back in English. And with an insane new plot thrown in. Just for good measure, for each new
translation, they found a kid who was already retarded and beat him in the head with a hammer to do the translating.
For those of you who paid attention in literature class, or at least
saw one of the many film-adaptations, Frankenstein is about a scientist who re-animates a zombie made from the body parts of various dead
people with hilarious results. Among the many instances of zany hijinx is a scene where Frankenstein's monster throws a little
girl named Emily into a river, and she drowns. None of this happens in the NES adaptation.
The developers of Frankenstein took a number of liberties. For
instance, the monster is now known as Frankenstein rather than Frankenstein's monster. Frankenstein can appear, taunt you, then quickly
disappear like a ninja. Oh, and Frankenstein wears a suit in this game.
Emily is in the game, but as Frankenstein's hostage. Emily has been
kidnapped, and it's your job to defeat Frankenstein and rescue her. Before you can fight Frankenstein you must
do battle with a series of other monsters that Frankenstein has somehow gained control over.
There are basically two types of generic side-scrollers for the
Nintendo. There's the kind where you use projectiles to kill enemies, using a combination of speed and good aim to take out your enemies, and then
there's the kind where you use fists, or blunt objects to kill enemies, utilizing a combination of luck and button mashing that never pays off
because every enemies seems to have longer reach than you when attacking. Frankenstein is definitely in the latter category.
The final boss is a giant-sized Frankenstein's monster, who never
moves, but shoots fire out of his mouth. There's no jokes here. That's just
strange.
The actual gameplay consists of making your way through four different,
very boring levels. The game isn't a particularly long one, and there's no diversity in gameplay, so you're
basically mashing the same pattern of buttons for about an hour. If you don't develop
Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, then the lack of fun in the game will make you want to inflict
pain upon yourself. Either way, you won't get out of playing Frankenstein unscathed.
There really isn't a whole lot to say about the game that hasn't
already been said about stomach cancer. Frankenstein eats at your insides, leaving you alive just long enough
to grow weary of wishing for death.
I guess one of the worst things about Frankenstein is that there
had to be at least a few kids in America with parents who actually believed that it might be a fun game for their
kids to play. Sure the kid may be into monsters, but little did they know that
Frankenstein was all it takes to prove to these kids that there is no god. Or at
least, if there is a god, he sure as hell is not a benevolent one. 
Nintendo:
Frankenstein |
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Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
2.4
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| 0 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 0 | |
Platform: Sega Game Gear
Genre: Side-Scroller
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: E for Everyone
US Release:
December 1994
Developer: Syrox
Publisher: Disney Interactive
Under normal circumstances, I never would have played this game for as long as I did. Under normal circumstances, normal circumstances being I play one fairly long game the entire month, beat it, and review it, this game would never have brought its wave of awfulness crashing down upon the shores of my Game Gear.
Unfortunately for normal circumstances, the game I've been playing all month has yet to be completed; so we're left with a game that took me less than a day to beat and review.
Supposedly, this game is based off of Disney's hit movie, The Jungle Book. I say supposedly because I don't remember the part in the movie where Mowgli had to collect eight gems, or the part where he rode around on the back of a turtle while collecting eight gems, or the part where he bounced up and down on Baloo's gut in order to collect eight gems. Maybe those scenes are in the extended version, I don't know.
However, the general plot of the movie seems
to be followed by this Game Gear game. I say seems because no plot is actually
established, and I'm just making an educated guess based on the semblance of a
plot I was able to piece together by playing through these seemingly randomly
pieced together scenes. You're given objectives at the beginning of each level, and that's
it. You're not told why you must complete these objectives; you're just told that
you have to. "Why am I collecting these gems?" you might ask yourself. "What's my motivation? What's the point?" And, as my journalism
professor might say, "Who the expletive cares if I collect all eight gems?"
But let me tell you, those gem-collecting levels are obnoxious. They invariably lead to the ever-popular syndrome of "okay, I'm at the end of the level and I haven't yet found all of the stupid thing I'm supposed to collect for no given reason. What gives?" There's nothing more thrilling than backtracking, I always say. These levels are blatantly unfun, and unfortunately, this game is sandwiched between several slices of them.
Honestly, would it have been that hard to make the objective just to reach the end? I know you don't see too many games like this, but I think gamers might have been able to deal.
And in the levels where all you have to do is reach the end, it's never particularly clear where the end might actually be. Unlike in most side-scrollers, where it's generally accepted that you're either moving to the right or moving up, you have no idea what way you're supposed to go in The Jungle Book. Some levels have you go right, some left, others up or down. If they had their choice, I'm sure the developers would've had you move in some yet-to-be-discovered direction, such as gipp or vanek.
Speaking of unruly directions for a game to go in, some of the insta-deaths in The Jungle Book are a little hard to swallow. Dying via landing on spikes or falling into water isn't uncommon in the gaming world. Most of us take it for granted. But if you play this game long enough and die enough ridiculous deaths, you'll start to wonder why, exactly, water is so murderous. I can accept that if Mowgli falls on a spike and gets it jammed through his foot, he's so much of a nancy-boy that he just curls up and dies rather than walking off the pain. What I cannot accept, however, is that getting his feet wet spells his doom. Especially when Baloo frickin' floats down a river throughout one of the levels.
Classic Disney games are notorious for being too difficult for children to actually play; thankfully, most of this game doesn't follow suit. It does, however, feature one of the strangest learning curves I've ever seen in a video game. You don't often see games in which the first level is the most difficult, and the rest only take a few minutes to complete. I guess we should give some credit to Syrox for innovating there. Too bad most people would just give up after constantly losing the first few levels and move on to something more entertaining, such as dental floss.
The soundtrack and sound effects of The
Jungle Book are positively primitive; though if you actually own a Game Gear,
you've probably already realized that your best bet is to just play the game on
mute. Inexplicably, when you chuck a spear at an enemy, the game plays the same
sound effect whether the 
spear hits or misses. Also, there isn't much in the way
of graphical representation of your spear hitting the enemy, but heck: Who
really wants to know if you're doing any damage, anyway?
While I'm on the thrilling topic of this game's graphics, allow me to point out the following: They suck. You've, of course, got the washed out visuals and the blurry animations that are par for the Game Gear course; but also, some of the game's visual effects are just bizarre. For example, the game's layering is such that one of the background layers is actually on top of the health bar layer. Like, you'll walk by a tree, and suddenly you'll have no idea if you're dying or not because the tree is covering up your life. I don't know how you even do that.
If you're going to do precision platforming, you've got to have precise controls. That's the lesson all developers should take from this game. You can't expect a player to quickly jump from platform to platform if the jump button doesn't actually work half the time, and when it does, the timing is off and the player falls to his doom. The Jungle Book has all these platforms that fall away after you've been standing on them for a few seconds, and unfortunately, a few seconds is exactly what it takes for your character to realize you've pushed the jump button.
Also, heaven help he who wants to just aim to the upper right and chuck a spear. You can't do it. You just can't do it. Aiming at a diagonal like that makes your character move, which adds an extra challenge to the game that isn't particularly entertaining.
But hey, The Jungle Book is chock full of instances like that! There's plenty of "well yes it's more of a challenge, but it isn't actually a fun or rewarding challenge" moments, such as when you're trying to run and jump from one platform to the other, and there's approximately one exact pixel you can make this jump from. And you have to have your d-pad pointed in exactly the right direction. And you probably have to apply some precise amount of pressure to the jump button. It's absurd. It shouldn't take me fifteen continues (not lives, continues) to make one jump. I'm not that bad of a gamer, man.
If Game Gear's The Jungle Book has any redeeming value, I sure can't find it. It isn't fun to play if you've got an hour to kill, because it'll take you about that long just to beat the first level. (And then only a few minutes to complete most successive levels.) It isn't fun to play if you've seen the movie, because you'll have given up on the game before you reach a single thing that you can recognize from the movie, beyond the main character. It isn't fun to play if you've only paid a dollar to own it, because you'll just be annoyed that you spend an entire dollar on this game, rather than buying a brand-spankin' new box of dental floss.
In these game reviews we're supposed to come
up with some redeeming value for the game's being reviewed. We're not supposed
to trash them entirely. We're supposed to point out some circumstance that would
allow for playing this game to be a great ol' time. But I just can't do it.
Sorry. While it's impressive that this game manages to fail on every level
possible, I can't see that as being a reason to buy the game. Granted, there's
only so much you can do with a Game Gear; but this is just sad.
Game
Gear:
The Jungle Book |
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Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
1.8
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| 1.5 | 1.5 | 2 | 2.5 | 1.5 | |
Platform: Nintendo GameCube
Genre: Action
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: T for Teen
US Release:
November 2003
Developer: Ubisoft Montreal
Publisher: Ubisoft
It’s always risky taking an old, well-loved game and trying to update it. Often the transition from 2D to 3D kills something vital. Sometimes the emphasis is too much on updating the graphics, to the detriment of the core of the game that made it so good in the first place. On the other hand, sometimes games make the transition well, and perhaps gain something in translation. I would argue that Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time is one such game.
Somehow The Sands of Time manages to evoke the spirit of the original Prince of Persia while still remaining innovative and new. From the start, the gameplay is fluid and intuitive. The introductory sequence takes you through the basics of fighting, jumping, wall-running, swinging, and so on. It also introduces you to the Prince himself, who, in his desire to please and impress his father, accidentally unleashes the Sands of Time, turning everyone into evil sand monsters.
From there, you must navigate the massive castle to find a way to make things right. Along the way, the Prince must overcome obstacles, solve puzzles, and fight monsters. Exploration and getting from Point A to Point B is the bulk of the gameplay, and the most engaging. When the Prince enters a room, the player is generally treated to a fly-by view of the obstacles ahead, giving some clue as to how to get to the next stage. It may look simple, but don’t be fooled:
Finding the correct pathways and avoiding the pits and traps along the way is a challenge, especially later in the game. To successfully get around requires timing and planning, but the controls themselves are very easy to master and generally don’t cause frustration.
To aid you in your quest, the Prince can also acquire powers that allow him to manipulate time. The most useful of these powers is definitely the time-reversal power, which allows you to rewind a few seconds to rethink that leap of faith you just made. Chances are, you will use this power a lot. While the other powers have their uses in combat and the occasional puzzle, they don’t come into play nearly as much, and I ended up using them only very rarely.
Exploration and puzzle solving are integrated very fluidly. The puzzles are logical and require thought, but aren’t frustrating. Most of the challenge is actually in navigating the environment, but there are some clever obstacle puzzles to solve as well. Unfortunately, combat seems almost like an afterthought compared to the fluidity of the experience traveling from point A to point B.
Every now and again, the Prince will come across a group of enemies and will unsheathe his sword, letting you know it’s time for battle. The combat system isn’t bad, although it also isn’t particularly deep. Different enemies require different approaches to dispatch them, so there is some strategy involved. However, some of the battles later on in the game are quite long, with a seemingly endless supply of enemies coming after you. It got monotonous when compared with the challenge of exploring the palace. It also seemed disjointed, since enemies are always waiting in one particular part of a room and combat is effectively completely separate from exploration and puzzle solving.
The game is very pretty, with varied, sometimes enormous environments to explore and travel through. The enemies come in several flavors, and all are creepy and demonic looking. The character models are quite good, but it’s really the environments that take the cake. They’re beautiful and there are so many different places to explore that it’s hard to get bored. The camera system is designed to shoot the action from a more cinematic angle, so that you can see where you’re going and what lies ahead as you run along walls and leap from crumbling ledges. It works great while moving around and exploring, but isn’t quite so good in combat, where it can get stuck in disadvantageous positions. The FMVs used to help tell the story are very well done.
The sound in this game is very good. The soundtrack is a nice mix of Middle-Eastern-influences and modern rock. It fits very well, appropriately moody in some parts, deliberately frantic in others. The dialogue of the characters is also excellent. The Prince in particular has some great lines. He spends a good deal of the time talking to himself, which can be comical at times. Overall the characters are well-rounded and not too cliché, and the voice acting is top-notch. Sound effects are also excellent.
Is this a game you should own? I would say that it is one of the finest
action games I’ve ever played, although the ending was a bit anticlimactic. It’s not too short, but also doesn’t go long enough to wear out its welcome, so to speak. Most players will probably finish it in 13 hours or so. Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time is definitely worth at least a rental, if not a purchase, for those who like adventure games.
GameCube:
Prince of Persia - The Sands of Time
|
|||||
Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
8.66
|
| 9 | 9 | 9.3 | 9 | 7 | |
Platform: Nintendo Dual Screen
Genre: Simulation
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: E for Everyone
US Release:
August 2005
Developer: Nintendo
Publisher: Nintendo
When is a game not really a game?
I don't know.
It's one of those stupid questions like, how many roads must a man walk down? There isn't an answer to it I
suppose; but for arguments sake, I think Nintendogs is as close to a game that's
not a game as you can get. And that's not a bad thing, I think, I might have confused
myself... anyway. We treated ourselves to a Dual Screen with a couple of games, and the
one game I HAD to get (or I'd be in trouble) was Nintendogs: Lab & Friends.
Now, for those of you who've had your heads in a bucket of fish eggs for the past year or so, Nintendogs is huge. No, actually, Nintendogs is absolutely massive. In Japan, it's the biggest thing since, erm... chopsticks. Well, all I know is that they simply can't get enough of it! At the moment there are (at least over here) three different packs you can get, each with a different variety of dogs, and each one has sold a shitload.
There is no aim to this game. You get a puppy, you look after it. Take it for walks, teach it tricks, clean up its crap when you go for a walk. You can enter your pooch into competitions (disc catching, obedience, and agility) when you've taught it how to do things properly. You can head down to the park while your taking him/her for a walk and practice throwing the disc, or there's a gym sorta thing where you can practice the agility events. It takes your little fluff ball a couple of goes to learn each trick, so don't expect perfection first time. This is really the only "game" element of Nintendogs; you compete in the competitions (obviously) and if you place high enough, you earn a bit of dosh. This can be used to buy another puppy, or renovate your pad so there's more room to move. Apart from this, the rest of your time will be spent messing around with your dog(s).
An interesting element of this is the voice recognition feature. That is, when you teach your dog a trick, you tell him/her what the trick is (i.e. sit, lay down, jump, don't fart, etc.) and after a couple of times your dog will respond to your command. This is what you need to work on to compete in the obedience trials. You can't help but love it when you call your dog's name, and it runs over looking all stupid and fluffy... it's so tempting to flush it down the toilet which, unfortunately, you can't do. I've played Nintendogs for nearly five hours now, and I've competed in all the events. Some I placed first, some I didn't qualify, but you get more than one go obviously. Thing is, I'll think to myself, as soon as I get home, oooh I can take the dog for a walk! I know, it's sad, but it really is relaxing and satisfying. It's also a hell of a lot cheaper than a real dog, and I've already got a three-year-old, so I don't need another thing that eats and shits, thank you very much.
The graphics are very well done. They don't push the DS to its limits by any means, but it's amazing how damn cute that little polygon mutt is! They clearly spent a lot of time getting the movements and behaviour of the puppies correct (they even lay there and lick themselves... erm... downstairs), and it came off because you can't help but go "Awwwwwww..." when you see your puppy messing around. Also, everything is clean and clear, which is definitely a good thing with those niiiiice DS screens : ). The sound is functional. There are distinctly different barks and noises for each puppy, the menu sounds have a nice sound to them, and the background music isn't intrusive at all. You'll actually find yourself humming along to it, probably.
To control this game couldn't be simpler. You only use the stylus, and there's nothing overly complicated about it. Some of the agility events will take a couple of goes to get it right, but that's just your puppy doing it wrong (well, that's what I say, 'cause it can't argue back, can it?).
You can quite easily get lost in this game for an hour and not notice. I actually find it therapeutic to take
my little electronic friend for a walk, which you might think is sad, but play it and see what you
think! It's really difficult to put a score on this game for replay,
'cause I think it's mighty close to perfect. You'll find it impossible to resist taking him/her just for a quick walk around the block. I know I'm having problems
getting on the DS as my wife (by the way, I got married in September!) is hooked on it as
well! Whether I'll buy the other two games or not remains to be seen. There's a pretty
good chance that we will... dammit.
Dual
Screen:
Nintendogs - Lab & Friends |
|||||
Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
8.88
|
| 8.6 | 8 | 9 | 9.3 | 9.5 | |
Platform: Nintendo Dual Screen
Genre: Card
Battle
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: E for Everyone
US Release:
August 2005
Developer: Konami
Publisher: Konami
Letting your Yu-Gi-Oh prejudices get in the way of giving this game a chance would be a mistake. Unless, of course, you don't like card games either. In that case go ahead and be a hater.
This game is hands-down the best card game I
have ever played for any system. First and foremost, it actually plays the way a
card game is supposed to play. There's no ridiculous running around in a forest
somewhere challenging random cards to RPG-esque battles or doing whatever else
Magic: the Gathering games like to have in them. The game is all about you
buying cards, building decks, and dueling with many different opponents.
Although it has a solid base in actual card playing, and gets rid of the 3rd
person running around and talking to tons of NPCs to gather info to move on with
your quest, it still manages to put in a story. 
The story merges seemingly perfectly with the gameplay, where you will be dueling people left and right, then someone will come up and say "hey man, you are pretty good, here's a tournament invite." There's no long and involved plot scenes to take you away from what you really bought the game to do. The opponents are also not nearly as stupid and cheating as they are in other card games, either. The higher-skilled opponents even have various strategies they will employ against you, instead of just stacking their deck with tons of illegal cards that you can't use yourself. Overall, this is the most fun card game I have played on any console.
The music and sound effects are also perfect for this type of game. The music is enjoyable to listen to and, most importantly, does not distract you from the game with annoying noises or repetitions. The sound effects aren't over the top but, at the same time, they give you the feel of crushing your opponent every time you land a big hit to his life points.
As far as looks, I have seen nothing better with any card game. This game shows miniature versions of all of your cards on the touch screen, complete with details (as opposed to generic looking cards with just names), and there are even short and sweet cutscenes when you summon powerful monsters. In addition to seeing your monsters during those couple second scenes, you can also view an impressive 3D model of your character on the top screen whenever you highlight them on the touch screen. The characters from the TV show appear just as they do in the show, which I consider to be an infinitely better idea than trying to make them look 3D like the monsters. The graphics also more than stand up to anything else I have seen on the DS.
As long as you still enjoy card games, there's really no point in which this game would stop being fun. There are a ton of cards to choose from, and you have a nearly endless number of deck combinations to explore. You can even save a large number of decks, and even learn and make the decks that the computer controlled opponents use. If you are a big fan of Mai and her harpy lady deck, you can go ahead and make friends with her and she'll let you in on her secret to success. The same holds true for pretty much any of your favorite characters from the show. Even if you don't like the show at all, you can still spend a whole lot of time trying different deck combinations that suit your individual play style. The fact that you can link up and trade and duel with your friends over the DS's wireless connection only adds to the enjoyment. Oh, and it should be noted that this game supports the official rules of the actual Yu-Gi-Oh trading card game. This really means nothing to those who don't play the actual card game, I guess, but I'm sure it's worth noting.
This review marks probably the first time I have ever saved the controls section for the last part of my review. There is a very good reason for this. This game has what I believe to be the best possible controls for any game in this genre. This is due mainly to the touch screen capabilities of the DS, but I must give credit to the creators for taking full advantage of the DS here. You can control all of your moves with the touch screen, meaning that you can play an entire duel just like you would if you were playing with physical cards. When you want to play a card, you touch that particular card. Simple as that.
In addition to being the perfect presentation of a card game, this game is also makes the best use of the DS's capabilities out of any DS game I have played. Most of the other ones focus more on the touch screen than they do on the gameplay. They force you to focus on circling crap or quickly poking dots on the screen or blowing into the microphone (why the hell should anyone ever blow into a microphone anyway? It's actually pretty irritating when you hear people breath into regular mics, let along blow into them), and they forget that they should make the game in their heads first, and then decide what the best way to make the DS fit the game is.
You hear that everyone? That's right, I said it. Make the DS fit the game, not the game fit the DS. Game fitting DS = poo, DS fitting game = gold. Got it? Good. Argue with me all you want if you enjoy being wrong, but that's just the way it is. The controls for this game are nothing short of wicked awesome.
If you haven't gotten the point yet, I'll
spell it out for you one last time. This game is the best card game I have ever
played for any system. Which means it must be one of the best card games that
exists. One of the best card games that exist has got to warrant at least a
rental if you are into the genre, so try not to let your Yu-Gi-Oh biases stop
you from enjoying it. On the flip side, if you are not into this genre, it would
be a very very stupid thing to buy this game. This game has virtually nothing to
offer anyone who doesn't like card games. If you are one of the chosen ones who
actually like Yu-Gi-Oh AND like playing card games, this game is a must have.
Dual
Screen:
Yu-Gi-Oh - Nightmare Troubadour |
|||||
Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
9.9
|
| 10 | 10 | 10 | 9.5 | 10 | |
Platform: Sony PlayStation 2
Genre: Action
# of Players: 1-2
ESRB Rating: E for Everyone
US Release:
September 2005
Developer: Namco
Publisher: Namco
In today's video game world, the term "sequel' tends to make people wince in horror, fearing that a great game will get its reputation tarnished by a lackluster
#2. Fortunately, this is not the story for Katamari Damacy. Its successor, We Love Katamari, has been successful at keeping the same feel and environment, and has expanded upon it tenfold.
Continuing from where the first game left off, the King of
All Cosmos notices that the people of Earth are happy that the stars of the night sky have been returned and they've all gone Katamari crazy. The only thing is, the king forgot about the rest of the stars in the universe. That's where the Prince, and now his cousins, comes in.
Before I go farther, let me explain to the pod people reading this about what a
katamari is. A katamari is a ball that you roll around various places, picking up everything in sight, growing larger and larger, and engulfing even bigger objects.
Each mission is initiated by talking to one of the many katamari fans hanging around
a park. They ask the Prince to make their dream katamari a reality. Outside of making a
katamari a specific size, there are wacky objectives like collecting enough fireflies so someone can study in the dark, feeding a sumo wrestler, keep a ball of fire lit to start a camp fire,
rolling the head of a snowman and more.
The controls used to meet these objectives haven't changed at all. Again, for the pod people
(especially you with the antennae, pal), the analog sticks are all you need; it's similar to using
an RC car. Just both sticks forward, you got forward, both sticks backward, you go back, etc.
Aaah yes, the multiplayer, how could I forget that? It's safe to say the
versus mode is better than the first but still doesn't have the lasting power of a conventional versus game. The co-op is really where the game shines. Each player controls one half of the Katamari and is set loose on any level you wish in the game. At first, the control seems very brick-like but after playing
for a little bit, you and your partner will easily stomp your old scores and roll around town like champs.
The music in the first game is a major highlight and in my
ears, the new sound does not disappoint. It is a lot more varied and keeps the mood fresh. What makes the wider range of tunes a great addition is the song selection option before you play a
level; you can pick any song in the game to play to. So if you don't like one song, you don't ever have to listen to it again.
As with Katamari Damacy, We Love Katamari is low on flashy graphics but the charm is the same. It's cute, silly and very Japanese. The graphics were tweaked a little bit though with sharper models and more detailed
textures. Well about as detailed as possible given the art style, that is.
I've really tried to find major flaws in this title but I can not find anything to lower my opinion of the game heavily. We Love Katamari is just a simple fun title that will keep you occupied for hours on end. Get it, play it, and be care-free in front of the TV.
*
PlayStation 2:
We Love Katamari |
|||||
Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
8.4
|
| 9 | 9 | 9 | 7 | 8 | |
* Scores given by guest reviewers are not officially endorsed by GameCola.
You asked for it, and boy, did you ever get it! Terrence Atkins is here drawing the keywords YOU Googled to discover GameCola.
turtles humping dinosaurs
jim is the best at nhl94
really good cheats for ephemeral fantasia like winning a level or something like that
dragon warrior vii gives me headaches
explain of why fdr has the same value for tree curves start in one point and end at the same point
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Enrique: We have to go after our former leader. I'm not leaving and loose ends. And also I need a kingdom. Narrator, find me an island nation to take over.
Narrator: Chill your grill, man. I'll do it when I do it.
Enrique: You are three seconds from the Plane of Eternal Assholery.
Narrator: Whatever, bitch. There's nothing left there; it would be a nice peaceful change from your bitchy bitch bitching, bitch. Besides, I can just narrate myself back. Watch: I'm there, I'm back, I'm there, I'm back. Booyah.
Enrique: uncool man, UNCOOL!
Narrator (Reformed): Yea, I guess you're right. I'm sorry bro, I'll help you out.
Enrique: niiice.
Narrator (/invis to: "Enrique" Actually pretending to be reformed with no intention of finding Enrique an Island Nation /invis): And so our brave new hero and his smaller than average crew set out after the former hero and his larger, but not by much, crew. I, having seen that Enrique is the true hero of the story, set off to find a suitable island nation for him to conquer.
Enrique: Sooo, are you ready?
Jonathan: For what?
*PLANE OF ETERNAL ASSHOLERY*
Jonathan: Oh.
Enrique: Indeed.
Jonathan: I don't see either of them anywhere around here. There's just that dead asshole over there.
Enrique: Hmmm. Well, they probably would try to find some sort of path out. Seeing as this is a very irritating place, there's probably something like 80 billion fake exits and one real one. That means its just a matter of finding out which path they took and catching up with them.
Jonathan: Easier done than said, chief. Let's go.
*Point of View Shiftometer V.02*
Rivers: You sure you know where you're going?
QM Girl: Yes I know where I'm going, you nonbeliever!
Rivers: But... We've just been going up and down this same staircase for about 26 minutes now...
QM Girl: Shhh!
Render: Relax, Rivers. I'm sure she knows what she's doing. Besides, it's not like we've got any other way to go right now.
QM Girl: =D
Rivers (/whisper: Render): What are you thinking, man?
Render (/whisper: Rivers): What do you think I'm thinking? She's pretty cute.
Rivers: Oooooooh!
QM Girl: What?
Rivers: Nothing.
Render: Anyway, let's go.
QM Girl: We're there.
Rivers: Huh? We're still on the same stairs we were on when we started talking seven minutes ago.
QM Girl: Yes, but now we're there.
Render: Ah...
Rivers: That doesn't make much sense, but I sure am interested in seeing what you plan to do from here.
QM Girl: Follow me!
*Vanish!*
Rivers: Where did she go?
Render: Tell me she did not go through a portal.
Rivers: Huh...
Render: Well, let me try something...
*Vanish*
Rivers: ...
Rivers: ...
Rivers: ...
Rivers: ...
Enrique: Ah HA! I knew I'd find you here!
Rivers: Aww crap.
Jonathan: Hey Rivers, how's it going?
Rivers: Alright. Don't know where I am or where everyone else went, though. It's kind of annoying.
Jonathan: Everyone else? Did Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render VI of Trelenodora run ahead and leave you here?
Rivers: Not exactly. He sort of vanished.
Jonathan: Vanished? Impossible! The only way to vanish is by taking a portal, and Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render VI of Trelenodora hates portals.
Rivers: I don't think it was a portal... I mean, if it was a portal I'd be able to just walk around and go through it the same way he did, right? But no matter how much I walk around in circles here I'm not teleporting anywhere.
Enrique: As much as I hate interrupting your chat, I have a bad guy to bring to justice.
Jonathan: Woo, rock that hero role.
Enrique: Totally.
Rivers: Eh...
Enrique: Last chance, vile dog of Hades! Join me or taste my blade!
Rivers: I'll join you, just calm down please.
Enrique: The righteous hand of justice is never calmed until all evil is squashed from the hearts of men!
Rivers (mumbled): I still say I should be the leader, I've been here longer...
Narrator: And so the narrator gets back just in time to narrate Rivers getting stabbed right through the face by our hero's great sword, the Enriquemania.
Rivers: Unripe.... black... berr..ies...
Jonathan: !!!
Enrique: Let's go, we have to find Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render VI of Trelenodora before he gets out of here.
Narrator: So cold. Enrique leaves up the stairs and Jonathan, still in a state of shock, follows after him. Rivers is left to die cold and alone.
Rivers: Laaaaaaame....
Narrator: But wait! What's this??
Rivers: Fuu...siiooon.....
Narrator (SHOCKED!!): Oh my goodness! He's fused his face back together!
Rivers: Hell yea! They don't call me Rivers Fusion for nothing!
*Point of View Shiftometer V.02*
Render: I guess he's not coming...
QM Girl: =( I'm sorry, we really must go, though! They're getting closer!
Render: ... Alright then, let's go.
QM Girl: Oh no! We're too late!
Render: What? How did Enrique catch up to me already?
QM Girl: Who is Enrique?
Render: Wait a minute, who is chasing us?
QM Girl: Them!!
Render: Oh my god, you have got to be kidding me.
Portal Person: We are the portal people. You have trespassed on our land, and now you must be terminated.
Render: NoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooO!!!
QM Girl: There's only one way to defeat them! You must jump through there leader, President Portalman!
Render (Crying): No hohohohooo whyyyyyy???
QM Girl: Get a grip, man! Here he comes!
President Portalman: Infidels! Prepare to be destroyed!
QM Girl: Now, jump through him!
Render: ...
Enrique: Don't even think about going anywhere, vile demon. You die here and now.
Render: Argh. Alright, I'm just about at the end of my sanity rope here. Enrique, get your spoonie ass over here and let's finish this.
President Portalman: Trespassers, sta
Render&Enrique: Silence, fool!
President Portalman: ...
Enrique: I've been waiting for this moment, filthy curr.
Render: Alright justice jake, bring your fury over here:
Narrator: Enrique ran straight for Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render VI of Trelenodora with all of his seemingly-out-of-nowhere built-up fury, and brought his sword crashing down inches next to the fallen hero's head. Of course, it crashing down inches next to his head means that he did, in fact, miss. Or maybe the captain dodged. Either way, he didn't hit. Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render VI of Trelenodora used this opportunity to spin around and kick Enrique right in the ass. The kick, combined with the momentum of Enrique's charge, caused our hero to fall right into President Portalman.
President Portalman: Ack! Noooo!!
Enrique: Ack! Mooooo!!!
Rivers: FUUUUSION!
Narrator: He did it again! And where did he come from? I wasn't paying attention!
QM: Wow...
Jonathan: Oh my...
President Enriquemaniaman: Bwahahaha! You fool, you've just made me more powerful than ever!
Render: Well... time to go!
River: Yep.
QM: I'm with you.
Jonathan: Totally.
Narrator: The four traitors ran, but I remain by your side, oh great President!
Portal People: We also serve you, master.
President Enriquemaniaman: Bwahahaha! Those fools are nothing to me now. I'll crush them later. Right now I should take care of securing my new kingdom. Narrator! Take me to my island nation.
Narrator: ...
Which Gate Do You Choose?
Pick an Island
Narrator: It's one of the islands on the island chain southeast of here... I'll point it out when we get there.
Any Island
Narrator: My narratoric foresight has shown me that Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render VI of Trelenodora and his foolish followers are heading to take your island home before we can get there! We better hurry after them!
WTF is an Island?
Narrator: Enrique ate a strange fruit given to him by one of his new followers. He no longer remembers anything about asking the innocent narrator to find him an island.
n00b Damnit, n00b!
Narrator: Forget the island, it's time we brought back n00b!
You know how stories normally go, right? You’ve got a hero and a villain and a bunch of things happen, and then there’s a moral at the end to warn all the youngsters listening to the story about how the world can be bad and such. Well, let’s just skip to the end of this story, shall we?
The moral of this month’s article:
School + Life + TestGame = Not Compatible.
I pass this lesson on to all of you readers in hopes that you will be spared the agony and drudgery that is my existence. Okay, so it’s not really that bad — I’m exaggerating a little. But it is true that this month, I have sacrificed my life and so-called "free time" to bring you…
TestGame
v.6
(no extra programs needed to run this file)
Take my word for it: If you haven’t downloaded the newest version of this game in a while, now is the time to do it! It’s almost like there’s an actual story being developed or something, which is crazy, I know, yet true. :)
Things
to do/new features of note:
Upcoming tasks for Lizo:
All the graphics, design, and
dialogue are by Lizo. Paul is voiced (appropriately) by Paul Franzen. Overly
Dramatic and Poorly British Girl Lily is voiced by Lizo.
Adventure Game Studio (the program used to create this game) can be downloaded
at http://www.adventuregamestudio.co.uk/.
- Elizabeth "Lizo" Medina-Gray
I made that choice last year. I had no job prospects, no visa, and very little money, but I put all my stuff in storage except my chopsticks and my hachimaki and rushed off to the Land of the Rising Sun. Under the circumstances, I have to say that things ended up turning out pretty well, and after about three months I've started to settle in.
Starting this month, I’d like to take you all on this journey with me, and to the verge of being entertained, in my fun-filled column:
VII. 
THE PATH TO ALMOST GAINFUL EMPLOYMENT
In late July, I was getting tired of looking for work without a visa. It’s the "American Conundrum," caused by the fact that Americans, unlike Australians, New Zealanders, and many other English-speaking nationals do not qualify for a "work holiday" or "foot in the door" visa. To oversimplify, this reality forces under-qualified Americans who don’t feel like waiting for a company to "sponsor" them from overseas to go against the wishes of Japanese immigration and enter the country as tourists to clandestinely look for work. This path can often lead to disappointment, but through a personal connection, I had gotten an interview at Capcom within my first month as an expatriate. And the best I had hoped for had been English teaching!
When the first two letters crawled out from behind the frontward building in classic yellow on blue, my jaded, cynical, and clogged heart leapt into my bile-scarred throat, and for a moment, I was a child again. A smile crossed my lips, and I was almost hit by a bike as I stood lost in a daydream. I was 45 minutes early (by design — I still needed to change clothes, dry off, and most importantly I had needed to allow for getting lost), so I stopped at the first coffee shop I saw. Slightly ironically, I sat going over my notes for so long that I was almost late after all: Maintain posture; Don't sit until asked; Don't cross feet no matter how midgety a Japanese chair they force you to sit in; Passionately and reasonably defend opinion that Doom and Shenmue are the best games ever; and a whole page full of other shit my Japanese friends had warned me about.
To make a long and boring story short and slightly less boring (if only by virtue of there not being as much of it), I beat the odds and got the job. I was the first Westerner to get hired into a non-West-related position at Capcom, Japan. In fact, the idea was (and is) all but unheard of in the industry at large. I was a very rare breed indeed — so rare in fact that I would have to fuck myself to maintain my sub-species.
ONCE GROPED, TWICE SHY
I've ridden Japanese trains plenty of times (hundreds, in fact), and I've always scoffed when people talked to me about how crammed they get. "Pfft," I would say. "They’re not that crowded. Not in Osaka, anyway." That was before I experienced the insanity of the TRUE MORNING RUSH.
My first day of work was the absolute worst. I remembered the warning from a trusted Japanese friend on that muggy summer morning while I watched the train start to burst at the seams with the people getting on in front of me: "Don’t wait. The next train won’t be any better, so just get on the first one that comes." But I just couldn’t bring myself to force my massive body into that sea of flesh, and stood dumbfounded as the doors shut. About nine minutes later the next train showed up, and I was the first in my line. I looked behind me and the sight I saw agreed with my ears — at least as many people had materialized behind me as there had been in front of me one train prior, and probably more. I wondered as I shouldered my way in if they were really all planning to fit in the train car that sat in front of me, which seemed tinier with each passing second. My eyes can’t tell you whether they did or not, because within seconds I was physically unable to turn my head around, but the rest of my body made an educated guess that they all had, based on the intense pain of being crushed by their bodies.
With a book bag jabbing me in my ribs, the elbow of someone who insisted on reading a magazine chocking me, and at least one hunched over old lady checking her text messages somewhere inside my colon, I tried to force sane, calm thoughts into my mind. It didn’t work. The next time the train stopped, I didn’t hear or see, but again felt more people forcing their way into the car, pushing my waist into a metal rail and forcing me to stand bent over, my ample man-bosom resting on some old man’s head. (And if you’re wondering if any ample bosoms or hot pink nipples found their ways into MY mouth, the answer is sadly no. The former because they don’t exist here, and the latter because God hates me.) When the herd finally flocked out, I tried to do the same and realized that the top half of my body had numbed significantly. The sensation embarrassingly brought me to one knee, and at the same time to the decision that I was taking the 5 a.m. from then on, which I did and continue to do.
THE MISTER TIRED DREAM FACTORY
For my first 45 minutes or so working at Capcom, I felt like Charlie in the chocolate factory. I mean, Mikami looked right at me and said "good morning." Yes, the man who had uttered the instantly classic phrase only a year or two earlier, "Don't pee your pants!", was riding the same elevators as I was, and shitting in the same toilets when he couldn't wait until he got home. It was the most awesome feeling since I discovered what would happen if I touched myself while watching the Pink Ranger.
After a good hour or so, however, I realized that working at Capcom was going to be just another low-paying job in a list which was starting to look Guinness-worthy. Don’t get me wrong, it was the best job in that list (and the one with the highest potential for permanence); but there was nothing magical about it. Mega Man didn’t roam the hallways dancing gaily, the fried pork cutlets weren’t cut into the shape of a roasted chicken, and worst of all, my Gaijin Powers had become useless.
You see, when you’re just dicking around in Japan, it’s easy to get the feeling that you can do no wrong. People stare at you like you’re Ronnie Fucking Dobbs, girls fight over your vital, throbbing member, and nobody gets mad at you. (If they do, you can just pretend not to understand.) But once you’re on the clock, you’re no longer a perpetual visitor. You have to be ready to talk the talk, and walk the walk. Now, the former I had down pretty well, but the latter was something in which I was seriously lacking.
The first shock I had was finding out that every word in the Japanese language is replaced by a single phrase once you enter your place of business. I knew this phrase and that it was frequently used as a kind of greeting, but the sheer frequency and ubiquity of "otukaresama desu" just plain blew me away for my first few days.
"Otukaresama desu," translated most literally (which is always the funniest way), means "You are mister honorable tired." Keep in mind that the only less tiring job that playing video games is perhaps sleeping. In any case, as a greeting it can mean "hello," "good evening," "goodbye," "nice vending machine" and, in perhaps the worst case, "I know we’re here taking our pisses and I don’t want to talk to you while I’m pissing but I have to utter these eight syllables every time I see anyone or else the bugs in the walls will report me and I’ll get fired… from a cannon, while being forced to scream my last ‘otukaresama desu’ as I fall to my death on threat of the murder of my family and cute little terrier, Wiener." On only my second week at work, it already takes all the will in my soul to muster up a phony smile when I’m forced to return six barrages of "otukaresama desu" every time I go to get some coffee.
But when something so trivial ranks so high on one’s list of annoyances, one should really consider oneself lucky. And one does, for now. ("One" means me, by the way. I remember that from one of the few days when I forgot to take my Gamepark to class in college.) How can I seriously complain? After all, I… work for Capcom. Bitch.
This Month’s WACKY JAPLISH!
Japan is famous for mangling English. Why do they bother when they have a perfectly good language of their own? The implications here are actually quite deep and intriguing, and would take up an entire article (and they probably will when I start to run out of ideas), so for now let’s just sit back and bask in the awe-inspiring wonder that is WACKY JAPLISH.
This month’s wacky Japlish is from some glasses I bought at the
local 100 yen shop. Japlish is usually hilarious because it’s un-natural,
but these cups are just the opposite. They’re a little too natural. In
fact, a closer look makes it obvious that the designers just copied phrases and
definitions of verbs right out of the dictionary, verbatim — including the
alternate wording brackets! What will those zany misusers of our beloved native
tongue come up with next? Tune in next month to see!
On the date of August 24th, 2005, I was caught with my pants down in front of a cop car that had been set on fire, while holding a book of matches in one hand and a tank of gasoline in the other. As part of my community service, I've been ordered to bestow my vast knowledge upon the gaming masses.
Hey Zack,
My girlfriend absolutely HATES video games — thinks they’re a total waste of time. I can’t mention them at
all without her going off about how there are so many other things in life more important than
saving the world. She actually YELLED at me one time for wanting to write a report in my government class
about the potential
response of Solid Snake to the war
on terror; can you believe it?
What can I do? Besides this, she’s totally awesome — just seems to find my greatest passion
completely unbearable. I really don’t wanna break up with her; I just want her to see my side of things.
Thanks for your time,
She’s Pretty Cool Otherwise
Dear She’s Pretty Cool Otherwise,
Let me get me straight: Your girlfriend actually yelled at you for wanting to write about Solid Snake and the
war on terror for government class?! That just doesn’t make any sense to me at all. You wanted to write
about a fictional videogame character for your government class, and all she did was yell? I don’t see how you haven’t already been dumped. Do
you keep your girlfriend restrained with some sort of electrical collar that shocks her whenever she’s more than twenty
feet away from your home?
You claim to be in a relationship, yet videogames are your greatest
passion and not her? Maybe that’s why she’s yelling at you. Frankly, I’m not even convinced that you even have a girlfriend. Maybe you should
consider the fact that spending endless hours playing out digitized fantasies is not the best use of time.
If you maintain your warped priorities you may find yourself without a girlfriend. Speaking of which, you can tell her that I’ll be over at
8:00 p.m. tonight. She needs something to do while you play Metal Gear.
Dear Zack:
I don’t think I’m a real gamer. I don’t have a TV with me in college, but I do have a GameCube. I’m scared to
play it in the lounge because I’m afraid real gamers are going to see me playing Wind Waker and make fun of
me because I stink at it, or because I don’t know enough about video games, or because I’m not playing
the right video games, or whatever, I’m not really sure. It’s gotten to the point where I make myself getup at 6
a.m. just so I can have a few hours in the lounge to myself for gaming, before people will see me
there and make fun of me.
Is there any way I can build my gaming self confidence? Or do you have any suggestions for how I
can better game in privacy without resorting to owning a TV?
Much obliged,
Perturbed in Pennsylvania
Dear Perturbed,
You want be a "real" gamer? There are various levels within the hierarchy of gamers. The lowest level, the casual gamer, has about one system
and is only familiar with a handful of games, while the top level of the hierarchy would have to be the crazed gamer fiend, with a range of
anti-social behavior in between the two levels. It sounds to me like you're trying to reach the coveted "fiend" level, so here's some
tips:
Stop waking up 6 a.m. to play videogames, stay up longer than anyone else, then turn your
GameCube on. Forgo any opportunities to sleep during the night. That's what
class time is for. Switch to a caffeine-sugar-chips diet (cheese puffs or pretzels are
acceptable.) Gain about 50-100 pounds. The stored fat will give you energy, or at least that's what
you'll tell yourself. Finally, stop bathing and forget any rules of social interaction that may have picked while not gaming.
Now, you test yourself. Go down to the one local videogame store that has a girl employee. As a gamer, you should know this one. Buy
something, anything, it doesn't matter as long as you have to talk to the girl. If you can manage to creep her out so much that she is unable to wait
until after you've left to make a snide comment about your body odor, then and only then will you have
achieved that final tier within the gamer hierarchy.
Need gaming hints, but you don't know the URL to gamefaqs.com? Need to know if you pulled out in time? Need some ridicule that's disguised as advice? Not sure if you just smoked crack or meth? Then write to Zack at zhuffman@gamecola.net. |
IX. 
Once again it is that time again. YES everyone it is THUMBS time! You may all rejoice at once. Now everybody knows how wonderful and exciting this feature always is BUT this issue may just top them all. In fact this VERY issue that you are about to feast your anticipating eyes on will not only overjoy you but it may open your eyes to some scientific breakthroughs! Don't believe me, Eh? Just read on!
Gladius (PS2)
Okay well, remember all of that hype I rambled on about up there a few lines
ago? Well this is the game that delivers it! Now you must be thinking "WOW this must be some rockin'
game then!" OF COURSE you would be wrong because this game may in fact provide medical science one of
its most major breakthroughs in eons! YES EONS. That is because this game is almost
positively proof of a cure for insomnia. TRULY I dare anyone to try to play this game
and remain awake! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE. This entire game seems to be engineered to make you drift off into dreamland. From its slow
plodding combat and fighting styling to the mundane generic voice acting, they surely will complete their mission.
The game seems to be a mix of turn-based and action games. However this translates to
long-ass-turns-to-swing-your-sword-once which is always
the first thing I want to do in any game I play! Besides the sloooow booooooring combat there is also the laaaamest story in the history
of story. It's kinda like, Gladiator or Spartacus without all the entertainment and
with a lot more fabricated dopey plot devices added. So kudos to LucasArts for nailing down a true remedy to all those poor people who cannot get a good nights rest.
Captain Eric's Super Thumbs Say... Thumbs Down.
Earthbound (SNES)
Now this game has been around quite a while and many people seem to love it, so I thought I would check it out. It is an regular old turn-based magic/attack kinda RPG but with some nice humor and other cleverness thrown in. It also is one of the few RPGs not to be set in some ancient time, where you swing your ubermagicsword whilst wearing your shiny glitter plate mail to smash 'dem baddies. Instead it is set in a very modern time with a boy, his friends, and a baseball bat. Now I dont know about you but that just screams GOOD TIMES to me!
Captain Eric's Super Thumbs Say... Thumbs Up.
Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars (SNES)
This is another one of those RPG games, as the title told me YAY I CAN READ. This one is has a bit more conventional setting than Earthbound, but then again it does involve Mario, and there aren't many swords or glittery plate mail in sight.. so maybe that statement was a lie... ANYWAY! Since it has Mario in it, you know it has to be good. Because everyone knows Nintendo erases all of our minds of any ill-advised Mario adventuring. The gameplay is just what you find in other RPGs just with Mario Twist and Turns and all of those familiar faces. It added a few innovative ideas to the mix as well as some loathesome ones, such a a damn door that will not open no matter how many times I run into it.. DAMN YOU DOOR YOU WILL RUE THE DAY YOU SCREWED WITH ME.
Captain Eric's Super Thumbs Say... Thumbs Up.
Nobunaga's Ambition (SNES)
Now I heard somewhere that this game was beloved and worshipped by some...
Well uh yeah, I guess it just might be a dated game and was much better back in the
day; but I am thinking that these people might also have a fondness for the
bottle. The big one, too. It's an interesting concept, I suppose. It reminded me
a lot of the board game risk. Now that's not a bad thing because, well, Risk is a fun board game,
though I am not so sure I would run out and purchase a
Risk video game. Some things
are just better with boards and tiny shards of plastic to rest on said board. The
game is about running a portion of a Japanese military/country where you have to govern as well as fight off oncoming attacks.
Now the fights aren't very detailed — it is more of a strategy game where you move
different troop types into positions against your enemy and try to take out more of them then they do of you.
It's all fine and well... it just isn't all that entertaining. Even if it was
two-player I think it would be almost better to just play some board games. So if your looking for a game that will make you yearn
for the action of a board game, this is your best shot!
Captain Eric's Super Thumbs Say... Thumbs Down.
Yu-Gi-Oh World Championship 2004 (GBA)
Maaan if you love the Yu-Gi-Oh Card game or even the cartoon this is probably
the game for you! It is pure and simple just a video gamerized version of the card game. No plot,
no story, just card gaming vs. some stupid, then kinda hard, then some cheap ass cheating
AI! Even if you never played the card game it isn't very hard to pick up the rules and such,
and as an added bonus if you watch the cartoon you can see how those all those cards they use on the cartoon do
absolutely nothing when you actually have them. WOooo.
Captain Eric's Super Thumbs Say... Thumbs UP.
Well now I am pretty sure you are just blown away by the stunning content that The THUMBS always brings you, so I better stop now and give you a break so you dont just pass out now before being able to finish reading all the other wonders that we call GAMECOLA! Come back next month; perhaps I will stumble upon the game that is bound to cure your wicked case of the hiccups! Okay... probably not. but come back anyways... or your soul might accidentally get stuck inside a small piece of cardboard.
Hey, it COULD happen.
X. 
Bonus Halloween Double-Feature!
Those of us who have played the
Resident Evil series know that the games are primarily about two things: zombies
and running out of ammunition. The style of strategy and skill combined with excessive zombie violence makes
Resident Evil in scientific terminology, Rad to the Max.
With such kickass movies as Shawn of the Dead, 28 Days Later, and
Land of the Dead, zombie flicks have, once again, become popular mainstream fare. So
of course, an adaptation of Resident Evil made sense, even if it did come out before all three of the
previously-mentioned movies and thus invalidating this whole paragraph.
Resident Evil stars Milla Jovovich, who you may remember as the girl who was in a bunch of scenes in
Dazed and Confused but had no lines, as well as from a bunch of make-up commercials. Clearly
she was cast for acting ability, and not for how she looks in tight, wet clothing.
One of the biggest problems with this movie is its lack of zombies. I
never actually played the first Resident Evil, and I don't
care how accurate it is to that
game; but when I know there are supposed to be zombies in a movie, the only thing I care to see are the
flesh-eating, walking undead.
In order to prevent some sort of catastrophe, a team of badasses must
accompany Milla Jovovich into the core of a giant underground research compound. A toxin was released into the compound which turned all of
the workers into zombies, and the compound's security systems have been activated. The problem with
this is that most of the good guys get
killed by the electronic defense systems before we even get to see a zombie.
At the end of the movie, we are treated with a cliffhanger ending that
leaves Milla Jovovich in a bright, white room, all alone, wearing nothing but a large sheet of paper. Needless to say, by the end of the
movie, not only do we feel like we have wasted our time, but we are also as confused as Milla Jovovich.
Faithfulness to Game: I used to have a friend named Charles, and he was an insanely obsessive
gamer. As I wrote earlier, I've never actually played the first Resident Evil game. Charles and I were supposed to leave and do something,
probably fuck around with payphones and shoplift candy, but I can't really remember. I showed up at his house, and his grandmother let me in,
and she often did. I went downstairs into the basement to find Charles sitting there playing
Resident Evil. I told him that it was time to go, and he replied "okay, I just need to save." I waited for about
half an hour, before saying "fuck it," and walking out.
Not once during this movie did I find myself waiting for Charles to get his shit together, so in that sense, the movie
is nothing like the game.
Movie Quality: The thing with Resident Evil is that it isn't really painful, like most other videogame movies, yet it still has very little going for it. The acting is non-existent, and the gore is unacceptably miniscule. It's not that I want to forget watching this movie; it's that the movie is so bland that I already have forgotten it.
If you were to have both a vat of acid and a vat of salt empty their
contents onto you simultaneously, getting punched in the face afterwards wouldn't be so bad. After all, the concepts of "bad" and "good" are
relative. Friday the 13th: Part 4 is no where near a cinematic masterpiece, but it does happen to be the best
Friday the 13th movie. Resident Evil: Apocalypse is to videogame movies what
Friday the 13th: Part 4> is to Friday the 13th movies.
Resident Evil: Apocalypse picks up exactly where the first movie
left off. The zombie hordes have broken out of the Umbrella Corporation complex and
are now wreaking havoc on Raccoon City. Now with the city locked down, it is up to Milla
Jovovich and her new-found super abilities to to get a band of survivors and herself out before nukes are
dropped at dawn. Pretty standard-fare for a zombie flick.
Compared to the first Resident Evil, this movie has a lot more
deaths and a lot more zombies. Sadly though, there's not a whole lot gore. To be fair, lack-of-gore seems to be a growing trend in modern
horror flicks; but that's still no excuse. When I see zombies, I want to see brain-eating and bloody organs that have just been ripped from
someone's chest. That's just how it is when George Romero is one of your favorite directors.
The movie seems to incorporate both the second and third
Resident Evil games. At least I'm making the assumption, since the movie comes down to a fight between Milla Jovovich and Nemesis. As with any fight
that features one or two unstoppable characters, it is kind of boring, because most of the fight is Nemesis getting hit, but barely even moving
from the impact. It's like Milla Jovovich is fighting wall, and I know the director was probably going for
that; it just does not make for an entertaining fight.
In any case, the movie naturally ends with another cliffhanger setting
up for Resident Evil: Afterlife, which the Internet tells me will be coming out in 2006.
Faithfulness to Game: The producers of the movie seem to have completely ignored
Resident Evil 2 and jumped to Nemesis when looking for adaptation material. Though I can't be too sure of this, since I've barely played the
third Resident Evil. I rented it shortly after it came, and burned a copy of the disc since my I have a modded Playstation, but for
some strange reason, after I returned the game, the burn stopped working. So I'll randomly give it a
six for faithfulness.
Movie Quality: When going to see a videogame movie there's expectation for the experience that can be summed up in the word "pain."
This wasn't the case with Resident Evil: Apocalypse. Sure, the acting was terrible, and it
didn't have enough zombie violence, but it was paced well, and was at least a little engaging. I even liked the token black guy, Mike Epps,
who was able to avoid playing a minstrel character. Don't get me wrong, it was a pretty bad movie, but it's at least enjoyable to watch, making
it one of the greatest videogame movies of all time. That's what happens when you set the bar low.
