Volume
4, Issue 11 - November 2005 |
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Also Featuring: Tim Morea, Jeremy Stock, Becca Clipper, Craig Bass, "Oh, the Things I Could Do For You" and "The Vampire Slayer" |
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I don't know if you've noticed this, but there's discrimination in gaming.
No, I'm not talking about women being represented only by either prissy princesses in need of rescue by a brave and strong man, or by barely legal teens wearing what equates to dental floss around their most private of parts. No, I'm not talking about a lack of black heroes. Or a lack of gay heroes. Or a lack of Middle Eastern heroes. Or a lack of guy heroes with guy haircuts.
What I am talking about, of course, is facial hair.
(This is especially relevant now because, as you might know, Movember—the month of the moustache—started just a few days ago. Check it out.)
(Also, the World Beard and Moustache Championships took place about a month ago in Berlin. Check them out, too.)
(I can't make stuff like this up.)
This matter came up recently in discussion between my beloved and myself, while we were figuring out who to dress up as for the upcoming vgXpo, formerly Philly Classic. She said I couldn't dress up as Sora. Or as Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney. Or as the Prince of All Cosmos. She said that, since the faces of those characters are as smooth as newborn's buttissimo, my portrayal of them would be wildly inaccurate.
She's right, of course, and after thinking it through for upwards of twenty seconds, we couldn't come up with a single gaming hero with anything more than a few whisks of facial hair.
Alert readers can no doubt tell that this is the point in the column to open Outlook Express and fire off an e-mail to yours truly about some obscure character in some obscure game that they once heard of that might possibly have a beard, or something that looks sort of like a beard, like maybe a mask, with hair, so they can make me feel like a total dunderbrain. Alert readers can also no doubt tell that I'm going to have trouble sleeping at night knowing that someone, somewhere, picked out an absolutely minor mistake on my part, one that, when it all comes crashing down and the world is near its end, and things like gravity are no longer working and stars are dying and Aslan is coming to take all the good people and good talking beasts to somewhere much happier than here, probably won't matter all that much.
As a Bearded-American, who do I have to look up to in the gaming universe? Who are my role models? Must I settle for the brothers Mario, who indeed sport moustaches but nothing so ample as what grows on my face? Am I to be forever forsaken due to what grows quite naturally on my face? I'm having trouble coming to terms with the fact that I can never truly look just like Goemon without significantly altering my outer appearance.
It's quite clear to me that some sort of discrimination is going on here. For whatever reason, those of us with beards are marked men, forced forever to be represented only by ne'er-do-wells and loveable side-characters who, quite frankly, are total weenies who usually get left out of the party anyway in favor of a bebossomed babe with healing powers. We never get to be the star. We never get to destroy the final boss. We never get to be in the show. I feel your pain, Lucy. I feel your pain.
What's a boy to do when
he has no heroes? 
Love,
Paul Franzen
Editor-in-Chief
e-mail: pfranzen@gamecola.net
P.S. For all you wonderful GameCola fans:
http://www.frappr.com/gamecola
It's this cool map thing you can pinpoint your location on and stuff. You know you wanna do it.
II. 
Letters.
I bloody hope I'm not married to Travis! That bandana just creeps me out... how would I have kissed him at the ceremony? Instead of lifting the veil, I lift the bandana??
Cheers for the mention sir : )
Hang on, I'm blonde... that's Zack I was looking at : P. Anyhoo... I don't like beards...
spesh if I'm marrying the person. That's just plain creepy : )
And since when have Stuart and Brian's surnames been considered directions?? : )
- Matteous
HM... my favorite part of this issue? Although I'm tempted to say it's this month's edition of Oh The Humanity! where I recycled the jokes from one review to write another, so that I could call it a "Bonus Double-Feature" or I could say it was my review of a Nintendo game which I spent less time playing than I did writing a review of said game. I think my favorite part would have to be where Paul miscalculated my average rating on the dismally-poor Frankenstein and inadvertently made me give it one of my highest game reviews.
- Zack
My favorite part this month was the pictures contrasting the hardware required for Dig Dug way back when with the chip that stores hundreds of games. As an aside, now that I know the Mr. T thermos exists, I'm not sure I can live without it. Sure, I was fine when I was blissfully unaware of its existence, but now that it has entered my world, it must remain a permanent fixture in my life. Please, God, let Paul choose me!
- Tim Morea
Oh My God!!! A Mr. T Thermos!! Do you have any idea how much I loved the A-Team in the '80s? Well I won't tell you 'cause it probably wouldn't be healthy.
Anyway, my favourite part of this issue was "Low Rent Adventures in Japan", because I love Japan almost as much as the A-Team. Uh...yeah.
- Jeremy Stock
I loved how the entire issue was about an entire page extra in width because of one long line in TGOL.
- Eric Regan
My favorite part of GameCola this month was when I realized that there's no more News section. Oh wait that was my least favorite part... where's the News section? I liked that section.
- Becca Clipper
Low Rent Adventures In Japan, of all the things we hear about the 'amusing' and 'wacky' Japanese way of life, its nice to hear about the more run-of-the mill day to day life. Even if it does involve working for CAPCOM. Fucker.
- Craig Bass
Instant Messenger Quotes.
Sh0rtSw0rd:
soo wtf, 360 comes out like in 3 weeks?
xthebigp:
mmhm
xthebigp:
gonna get you one?
Sh0rtSw0rd:
no, i think ill get a soccer ball, they are cheaper and easier on the foot when you kick them around
- Eric Regan
Artwork.
- Eric Regan
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This is your place to shine, readers! Send us just about anything, and chances are we'll paste it in here. Letters, artwork, poetry, photographs, comic strips, fanfiction — anything you can think of, you send it to us, and we'll put it in an upcoming issue. Sound good? e-mail - submissions@gamecola.net |
This Month—Sonic The Whorehog
Circa 1992
Ever wanted to take your favourite hedgehog with you wherever you go? No? Well, don't bother reading this then...
No, I mean it. Bugger off. Anyone who doesn't want a spiky little mammal in their trousers while they're on the bus isn't worth the time of day.
Anyway, enough of this silliness...
Yes, that's right! Hedgehog portability!! As soon as you read this, you shall be able to pop into any reputable store and buy the quite spanky Sonic The Hedgehog LCD game!! And it ain't too expensive, so it's poifect if you can't afford a Game Gear!!
It's quite stylish, and very well- made, so you get what you pay for in terms of build quality. In terms of the game itself,
well, you
can't expect all that much from a single LCD screen
game. You won't be exploring all the different levels, encountering new enemies etc. BUT, it's good for a quick frantic hedgehog fix, and isn't that something that everyone
craves? Or is that just me?
What? Don't look at me like that. I like hedgehogs ok? : )
Circa 2005
Hey Kids!!
Want a crappy toy with your Crappy Meal(tm)?
Come down to (name deleted for legal reasons—but here's a hint, it rhymes with McSponalds) and get your great new
Sonic The Hedgehog videogame!! You'll probably play it for about two minutes before you realise how crap it is, but ain't
that a coincidence—you'll probably get the craps from your Crappy Meal(tm) anyway!!
IV. 
For those wondering how our ratings system works, it'd be a good idea to read this before moving ahead to our reviews.
Our crack review squad* has chosen the five attributes that we feel determine the overall quality of a videogame, which are:
Fun - the overall enjoyment experienced while playing a videogame,
Audio - the music and sound effects of a videogame,
Controls - the physical means by which a videogame is played,
Visuals - the graphical aesthetics of a videogame, and
Replay Value - a videogame's worth in playing after completion.
Other attributes such as gameplay, story, difficulty, and concept are not individually rated, as they can all be worked into one or more of the above categories.
Each attribute is rated with a numerical value ranging from 0 to 10, with 0 being the absolute rock-bottom, epitome of all awfulness, five being average (which is important to remember; many gaming publications use a 5/10 to mean "bad", but here it means "neither good nor bad"), and 10 being perfect (which should, theoretically, never be used; there is no absolute perfect in this industry). The individual scores are then averaged together, which results in an overall rating of a videogame's quality.
The attributes themselves are rated in comparison with those of videogames from the same genre and console as the one being reviewed. For example, the audio rating of Uncle Worm for the TI-83 Plus Graphing Calculator would be 5 instead of the presumed 0 for having no sound, because it is average of games for that console to have no sound. In the same light, an RPG that a gamer would want to complete only once would have a Replay Value of 5, while that of an RPG with incentive for multiple plays (such as alternate endings) would rate higher. One final example, to make sure we're all on the same page: The attributes of Dragon Warrior, an NES RPG, would be rated in comparison with those of (among others) Final Fantasy, an NES RPG, but not with Metroid, an NES action title, or Kingdom Hearts, a PS2 RPG.
Got it? Now you can go ahead and see what we have to say this month.
*Paul Franzen was the only member of the crack review squad involved in creating the GameCola ratings system.
Click here to peruse an archive of the games we've reviewed and the scores we've given them.
(Please note: GameCola welcomes
its readers to send in their reviews of any games we've yet to cover.
Please keep in mind, however, that we do not currently review PC titles, and as
such, we are unable to publish any PC game reviews you send us.
Thanks!)
Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System
Genre:
A
A Nightmare on Elm Street is yet another licensed Nintendo game
that makes 2D side-scrolling not very fun. You play the role of some random teenager who's caught within
Freddy's grasp, and you must collect all of Freddy's bones and throw them into the furnace in the basement of Elm
Street High before you are killed.
Now, most of you are already familiar with the Nightmare on Elm
Street movies. If you don't, then I probably don't respect you enough to offer up an explaination as to what the
movies are about. Obviously, this lack of respect doesn't apply to the ladies who aren't familiar
with the series, so I'll write this for their benefit. Basically, Freddy Krueger was a
child molester/ seriel killer who, years ago, was plagueing the families of Elm Street. One night, they decided to enact some
vigilante justice and firebomb his house. Now he's returned to kill the children of Elm Street, who are now teenagers. The good news is
that he can only get them in their dreams; the bad news is that he is all-powerful in these
dreams.
In this Nintendo game the only meter you have is a sleepiness meter. It
takes more than one hit to kill you, but it never tells you how many hits, so you have no way of knowing until you
die. When your sleepiness meter runs out, you fall asleep and enter into the dream world, which is
like the real world, but the enemies are stronger and you can turn into one of three
Dream Warriors. These three are the acrobat, the ninja and the wizard.
The most accurate aspect of the game is that it's damn near impossible.
In the movies, once you see Freddy in your dreams, you're pretty much fucked. And that's how it works in
the game. The dream warrior's have projectile attacks, but you can't always use them. For the most part
you're forced to fight enemies with your stubby arm that reach just far enough to get you killed any time you fight something.
For a Nintendo game, A Nightmare on Elm Street's graphics are decent. I know that's not saying
much, but at least you can tell what's what. The music is blaring and high-pitched
with a lot of buzzing. So it's about on par for Nintendo. It actually isn't too bad.
For the most part, A Nightmare on Elm Street is boring, repetitive, and insanely difficult. How they managed to pull off insane
difficulty with mind-numbing boredom I don't know. But rest assurred, they did.
Among the greater ironies of A Nightmare on Elm Street, is the
fact that it was one of the earliest games to offer four-player support. Thr irony
of this is that is that if you were compelled to play for any amount of time, then it's most likely that you don't have any friends, let alone three
of them that also want to play.
Nintendo:
A Nightmare on Elm Street |
|||||
Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
2.8
|
| 2 | 2 | 5 | 5 | 0 | |
B.
Platform: Sega CD
Genre:
Action
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: N/A
US Release: March 1993
Developer: Psygnosis
Publisher: Sony Imagesoft
Bram Stoker's Dracula was possibly one of the most anticipated titles, at least for
the first half of '93. The world was in the middle of a naive "oh my god a CD can hold soooo much data, that means the
games will all be amazing!" stage. This isn't the sort of game that would have kept this dream alive. I mean, think about
the potential that this game had. It could have been the Resident Evil for the early
90s, if done properly. Everyone loves a good thrill now and then, don't they?
It certainly looked promising, sort of, if you judged it by its FMVs. They were, at that point, the best quality seen on the Sega CD. But, as you should all know by now, you can't judge a game by its cover. (Or by its flashy cutscenes, as it were.) Alas, this promising potential got turned into a great big bag of shite when they developers decided to make it a side-scrolling beat-em-up without any of the fun that a good beat-em-up contains. You start off outside the mansion, and you get attacked by what appear to be bats. I say they appear to be bats, as they consist of three, maybe four colors, and look like they've been drawn on a Commodore 64.
This goes for pretty much all the in-game graphics, sadly. Very grainy, not well defined and poorly animated—I think that would sum them up pretty well. Yes, I think we all know the Sega CD doesn't have a largest color palette, but that really doesn't excuse what you see here. Inside the mansion, it looks like they've put a fair effort into making the backgrounds pretty, but this has been pretty pointless considering there can only be around 64 colors on screen at any one time. Really, this game another example of a rushed product—the developers knew what the Sega CD was capable of, and its limitations, and they didn't use any of its potential.
But, as you should also know by now, great graphics do not make a great game, and shitty graphics do not make a shitty game. Well, this game has shitty graphics, and it's also a pretty shitty game. You go along, left to right, punching, kicking, and also dying. You tend to do a fair bit of dying, really. You are continuously attacked by very resilient rats, bats, zombies and other things. This is not fun. Not fun at all. It would seem that the main character, Jonathan Harker, has all the combat skills and agility of a bowl of slightly runny blancmange. As you can imagine, this does not work to your advantage.
To make matters worse, you are also bombarded by audio that would make a PC speaker giggle like a schoolgirl. The biggest advantage of having the Sega CD to develop your games on was that it used compact discs as the storage medium, and therefore, you could have CD quality music in your games, something that, back in the day, was amazing to hear. This seems to have been overlooked by the developers here. There are a few basic sound effects, and whatever music there is, it isn't worth the space it takes up on the CD.
I think, all in all, the developers (would you believe Psygnosis?!) wasted a big chance to create something special. Yes, the hardware wasn't the most powerful in the world, but has that prevented great games from being made before? And with the (at the time) enormous media capacity at their disposal, they really could have made this the first example of the survival horror genre. Sure, it couldn't have hoped to be as refined or shit-your-pants-scary as say, Resident Evil 4 for the GameCube, but it really didn't have to go this way. It just seems like they got the license, spent 90% of their effort on the cut-scenes, and rushed the actual game together with what time they had left. Oh well, that's the way it was in the 90s with most licensed games. wasn't it? Shame though.
Final word: The game's box is infinitely more scary, entertaining and well-made
than anything this game can deliver. And it's not all that scary or
entertaining... or well-made, for that matter.
Sega
CD:
Bram Stoker's Dracula |
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Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
4.7
|
| 3.5 | 5 | 6 | 6.5 | 2.5 | |
Platform: Sega Genesis
Genre: Action
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: N/A
US Release: October 1995
Developer: Novotrade
Publisher: Sega
Dolphins are cool, but time-traveling dolphins that can shape-shift and battle aliens are cooler. Ecco is one such dolphin, on a quest to save his pod and the rest of the world from
an alien invasion. Ecco: The Tides of Time is a sequel of sorts to the first Ecco game, and in many ways it exceeds its predecessor. The plot is interesting enough:
The Vortex Queen, some sort of alien that Ecco defeated in the first game, was apparently not really defeated and is out to take over the world again.
To combat this menace, the Asterite (which happens to look like a DNA double helix…symbolism? Maybe) gave Ecco special powers, which
includes the ability to not have to 
surface for air, and various attacks. Unfortunately, Ecco loses his powers very early on. To make matters worse, the Vortex Queen has scattered the pieces of the Asterite. Ecco’s quest basically involves finding these pieces so he can defeat the Vortex again and restore harmony to his world.
To complicate things further, Ecco meets up with a super-dolphin from the future and gets sent forward in time to a peaceful future, a future that he must preserve. It’s all very dramatic and exciting. It’s also a very pretty game for its time. The sprites are sharp and detailed, and I especially liked the uber-dolphins of the future with their nifty trailing fins. The level designs are varied and some are absolutely stunningly done. One that I particularly liked involved a bunch of floating pools of water that you had to navigate. It was really well done.
The controls are very good as well. The game is responsive and the controls are easy to get used to. Unfortunately, one major problem with the game is the difficulty levels of some of the stages. Occasionally you will come across one stage that is ridiculously hard, and it can get so frustrating that you might just give up. A lot of people resort to cheats. I particularly hated the scrolling-upward stages where you
have to jump from water tube to water tube and not fall off the stage or drop behind. Sometimes it can be difficult to just figure out where you’re supposed to go or what
you're supposed to do. If you can get past these difficult bits it’s a lot of
fun; but the difficulty is a serious drawback at times.
The sound fits the game very well. I really liked a lot of the songs. They can go from happy and carefree to sinister to sorrowful and fit perfectly with the action in the game. They always seem to fit perfectly with the stage. The sound effects were fine. None of them really stood out as good or bad.
As far as replay value, there’s nothing special once you beat the game, although it will probably take you a while the first time through anyway. It’s a satisfying game, and probably one of my favorites
for the Genesis. It’s worth a purchase since you should be able to find it cheap.
Sega
Genesis:
Ecco - The Tides of Time |
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Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
7.2
|
| 9 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 4 | |
Platform:
Sega Saturn
Genre: Action
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: Teen
US Release: October 1996
Developer:
Argonaut Games
Publisher: Data East
Okay, as no one probably noticed, I missed my review last month. That’s because it’s taken me two full months to work up the courage to review this landfill. I’ve had dreams about three-headed clown monsters with grizzly bears for arms and chainsaws for teeth that frightened me less than the thought of picking up the controller to play this game.
Now, for this round I’ve gone back to my diary-type review, only this time I’m actually going to pause the game as I play and write down what I think. So, without further ado:
Wednesday, October 12 (6:15 pm): So, I just popped in
Creature Shock and watched the opening movie. Wow. CG has come a hell of a long
ways since ’96. It’s a basic story about the future and man sending out
people to colonize other… okay, you know what I really noticed? My ship is
bright yellow and has numerous stick-like apertures branching off it that are
rounded at the end, so it looks like it has a bunch of turkey legs poking out
everywhere. We cut to a female
in an all-purple jumpsuit with hips wide enough to have birthed Grimace. I mean,
this chick is seriously disproportioned. She’s got HUGE perfectly round
breasts, an Eddie Munster haircut and… those hips. I shall call her Professor
Gargoyle Face. Anyway, there’s more to the opening, but let’s just do this:
Imagine a super-long arm holding a pencil just emerged from your TV and started
poking you continuously (but softly) in the eye with the eraser-end. Annoying,
isn’t it? That’s what it’s like watching these shit graphics. I’m just
going to go ahead and skip telling you about the first level. It’s basically a
shooter from behind your ship, and good Jesus almighty is it ugly. Your ship
looks like the ass-end of Pac-Man (again with the yellow) and the enemies look
like what your little sister finger-painted in pre-school last week. I pass this
abysmal level and take a break.
Wednesday, October 12 (6:43 pm): So my ship lands and a CG scene unfolds, showing my hero-guy (what happened to Professor Gargoyle Face? She’s been captured!) and the eight polygons that make up his character model exit the ship. My guy stops at the bottom of the ramp and the view suddenly shifts to a first-person Virtua Cop kinda thing, where the screen is locked but I’ve got a cursor that I can move around. Let me tell you this right now: There are dead giant furry sloths from five million B.C. that had no arms and no legs that moved faster than this goddamn cursor. Either giant purple gorilla-men or rhino-men are pulling themselves out of a pit right in front of me. They are polite enough to wait for my cursor to cripple itself slowly over to them so I can blast them back to hell. Despite how slow it is, it’s apparently pretty powerful. I quickly mop up the screen, and as I blow the last one back down the pit I snarl "have a nice trip" in my best Clint Eastwood voice and then drink a beer. That level was a bit better. I’m done for the day.
Saturday, October 15 (2:00 pm): After the stationary shooting gallery scene, this thing turns into Myst. You move a cursor over a doorway, click, and then watch FMV stream you into the next room from your point of view. I quickly discover how tiring this is. Every once in a while, your cursor will freeze and then it’s back to shooting gallery until the creature is destroyed, then back to Myst. I wonder where Professor Gargoyle Face is?
Saturday, October 15 (2:24 pm): God, how long do I have to click through these fucking hallways? I’m getting tired of shooting bats and what appear to be giant tapeworms. Yay! The level 2 boss! It’s CG and looks exactly what would happen if Rocksteady from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Greedo had a baby. As it flails around it eventually shows you its weak spot (usually a little green blob under its chin or some such thing). Ha ha, now that’s cute! Since this game was originally made for the PC, they thought you’d be using a mouse! But since I’m not, my SLOW ASS cursor can’t keep up with how fast the monster is moving. I die. I’ll have to re-do the whole level. Re-click through the entire second level. I’m so pissed I’m actually going to watch the Home & Gardening network with my wife in the living room because I just can’t stand being in the same room with this thing right now.
Sunday, October 16 (1:00 pm): I passed level 2 and went
into level 3. As my hero, in his ridiculous space-suit and freaking giant
helmet, starts for the door my game freezes immediately. I wait a minute but
nothing happens. I hit a few random buttons, then start mashing on all of them.
It sits for
another few moments and then goes black and starts screaming. It
sounds like what would happen if you shoved a half-baboon half-fire engine into
the World’s Loudest Car Alarm and then used a pillowcase full of broken glass
to beat it to death. I hit power. I unplug it. I blow under the lid. No matter
what game I put in, the power light just blinks. Creature Shock just killed my
Japanese modded Saturn. I am not making this up. I’m supposed to be quitting
smoking, but apparently Creature Shock works for Camel because nothing in my
life has stressed me into a cigarette faster than this game. I’m going to my
balcony to smoke. It is officially 1:22 pm on October 16 when I pronounce my
beloved Saturn DOA. A moment of silence, please. The review will have to wait.
Wednesday, October 26 (5:45 pm): I just got back from some local Portland used game shops and picked up two extra Saturns. I’m mother-fucking ready for you, Creature Shock.
Thursday, October 27 (6:05 pm): It took me 47 frustrating minutes to pass the last flying stage. Forty-seven minutes of dying .3 nanoseconds before the end of the level and having to start the whole thing over. I think… I’m starting to lose it. Did I go right here or was that the hallway back there that looks exactly the same? But I did it! I got the password to level 5! It’s 426-wait, who’s asking? No! It’s my code, I earned it! Professor Gargoyle? Is that you?
Saterdy, Octamber 29 (9:62 pm): I find myself contemplating questions as I endlessly restart and play through the same levels over and over… like, who play-tested this game and told someone it was fun? Why do the character models give me night terrors? Who thought it was a good idea to mix Virtua Cop, Myst and Space Harrier together and throw on a lame-ass sci-fi plot and sell it for $50? I…who’s there! I know I heard it! Kinda… starting to scare myself a bit, but hold it together Travis…
Frunday, Jastamber 18th (55:2): how long…heh heh, how long have I been here? Oh, hello Rock-Greedo! Have you seen Pac-Man?
Teh heh! Click down the hallway, click through the door click here, click there shooty shooty! Oh, cursor’s too slow re-start stage! clickety clacketly click
shhh! she was just here… the Professor… she’s trying to
kill me with her hips… how could any one game be so boring…I…can’t seem
to stop sobbing. i just wanted to pass level 5, but I can’t do it. tell…Franzen,
if anyone finds this…he can go to hell for making me play this game…
Sega
Saturn:
Creature Shock |
|||||
Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
1.28
|
| 0.5 | 1.1 | 2.0 | 2.8 | 0 | |
Platform: Sony PlayStation
Genre: Role-Playing
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: Teen
US Release: September 2005
Developer: tri-Ace
Publisher: Square Enix
Radiata stories is the tragic hero of the videogame world. It has shown more promise than anything in recent memory, and has been insanely fun to play most of all the time. However, it is cursed by one fatal flaw. But more on that later! :)
The music in this game is insanely kickass,
if for nothing else than the payapaya dance. This song is hands down the
greatest song I have ever heard in a videogame ever. Better 
still is the fact
that you can find a record of it and play it any time you feel like hearing it.
More games need a payapaya dance.
The controls are extremely easy to get used to, yet allow for customization. You execute your attacks by pressing a single button, but you can create your own combos out of a list of moves for your character. This allows you to fight the way you want to, but still only have to press one button. Pretty nice feature, especially for newbies who want to play but can't handle pressing insane amounts of buttons.
Many people consider this game to look too childish or something, but those people are stupid or... something... OH YEA, COMIN' ATCHA!! I love these graphics, they fit very well with the character of Captain Jack Russell the dragon slaya!
Jack is probably the greatest and funniest hero to ever grace my television set, and I have played quite a few games believe you me. He always knows just what to say and never fails to bring a smile to my face. Don't believe me? Consider this Jack Russell quote: "I'd rather do as I please than have too many fleas."
About the fatal flaw. This game has 177 characters for you to get to join you, about 2/3 of which you can get by following one plot branch, and the other 1/3 by taking the other path. The major problem with this is that it becomes ridiculously easy to miss characters. And I'm not just talking miss and then come back and get later. I mean miss and can't ever get again. Further, you need to recruit many characters in order to get the super strong characters later in the game. In case I've lost you, I'll sum up: You can miss some piece of crap newbie character fairly early in the game and have this cause you to never eeeeeeeeeever be able to get the uber characters at the end of the game. It really sucks. It's really easy to miss certain people, too. Really easy.
Overall the game rocks and managed to keep me
playing for hundreds of hours despite my having to restart and lose 50 hours of
gameplay a couple times because some screwed up thing happened and I ended up
completely unable to get all of the characters. I am a perfectionist, I need
everything and everyone. This game seriously messes with me, and yet I still
love it. Take that as you will, but only if you take it to mean "this game
is really freakin' good."
PlayStation
2:
Radiata Stories |
|||||
Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
8.8
|
| 8 | 9 | 9.5 | 9 | 8.5 | |
Platform: Nintendo DS
Genre: Adventure
# of Players: 1
ESRB Rating: Teen
US Release: October 2005
Developer: Capcom
Publisher: Capcom
So, you're a gamer. You've fought fearsome, towering, multi-headed beasts in the depths of dark, mysterious dungeons. You've waged battle upon armies of samurais across the desolate battlefields of a war-torn nation. You've flown in spacecrafts at speeds you can only imagine, and, to top it all off, you've sparred with Tiger Woods on the greens of Scotland. In short, you've done it all.
But I bet you've never practiced law.
That's all about to change with Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney, the first in a long line of lawyer sims to reach Western shores.
Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney plays
shockingly similar to Ye Olde Adventure Games, except with significantly fewer
tentacles. There's
pointing and there's clicking, though those are now done
with the handy dandy stylus rather than a mouse or joystick. You poke at
objects in order to interact with them, either examining them and then trading
witty banter with your partner in crime, or taking note of them and claiming
them to be evidence. You poke your way through a series of menus to do just about
anything else, so don't bother with Phoenix Wright if you don't like games
heavy on the text and light on the action.
The first four levels of Phoenix Wright come to us from the Japanese GBA game of Gyakuten Saiba; so you might call this title a port of sorts. Capcom, however, added a fifth level to the game before calling it a DS title, one that makes better use of the Dual Screen's capabilities. While the first four levels do support poking at the screen and occasionally screaming "Objection!" into the microphone, the fifth level also allows you to test for residual blood and dust for fingerprints, using the stylus as a spray bottle and... whatever tool one uses to dust for fingerprints, respectively.
So much of your time will be spent investigating crime scenes and interrogating witnesses on such important matters, and I'm not making this up, as their trading card collections, that you might forget you have to actually present your case to a judge and jury at some point, too. Only about half of the game is actually spent in the courtroom, where you again navigate a series of windows in order to get your client proven innocent. (And don't worry—your client is always innocent. Phoenix Wright is no defender of criminals!)
Unfortunately for some, a good chunk of this hullabaloo is just poking the continue button and watching events unfold without your participation. With this game's art style, it seems at times that you're watching an anime rather than playing a videogame. But when you do get to have your say you'll be hit with logic puzzles galore—some so tricky that you'll gnaw on your stylus in frustration, and some so obvious that it's just too bad the game doesn't recognize your solution. Rare is it that you're able to solve a puzzle without really thinking it through first. You've got to know when to object, what evidence to present, when to press the witnesses and when to let them slide; and you can't typically do this via trial and error (pun absolutely intended) because the judge penalizes you if you do something that he feels doesn't make any sense.
Through interrogation and collaboration, you'll grow to love each and every one of the characters in Phoenix Wright. Each and every single one of them has more charm than, say, the entire cast of Mad TV. Even with names like "Dick Gumshoe" and "Sal Manella," they don't resort to just being stereotypes; they all have unique personalities that you'll mourn to see go when you've moved on from their levels.
(Thankfully, Phoenix Wright's serial format
means many of the characters won't have to be mourned for long; each case is
presented in its own chapter that is interwoven with all other of the game's
chapters.)
I can say, without a shred of doubt in my mind, that Phoenix Wright boasts the best soundtrack of any DS game I own. This trend could conceivably change as my collection expands to include more than one DS game, but I doubt it. Phoenix Wright doesn't sound like a lawyer game, or at least what one might expect a lawyer game to sound like; it sounds like a classic Capcom side-scroller if anything, and that's a good thing.
It's unfortunate that, since it's a portable game, you might not get to hear Phoenix Wright's soundtrack all that much. Chances are, it's the sort of game you'll be playing on the Metro or outside of your Intro to Probability course, or places like that where it's not generally accepted to blast lawyer sim tunes.
Speaking of the Metro, Phoenix Wright thankfully, unlike so many other DS games, does not oftentimes require you to scream at and blow on your Dual Screen. I don't know about you, but I'm just not comfortable with yelling "Take that!" while standing in a crowded train station, with a burly, wife-beater clad man named Biff cradling what appears to be a primitive form of golf club standing mere inches away. You're certainly encouraged to scream at and blow on your DS, but you're never required to do it until the fifth level, where you'll occasionally have to blow away fingerprint dust.
Keep in mind that this is is a text-based game when you're judging its graphics. They're by no means bad, but there just aren't that many of them. Chances are that they haven't been altered that much from the original GBA version. Capcom was, however, able to harness these self-imposed limitations and use them to inject some humor into the game. Don't worry—that'll make more sense if/when you actually play the game.
How long would you expect a lawyer sim to last? I was expecting five hours, and that barely got me through the second level. Look for around 15-20 hours of gameplay for this $30 title.
Don't expect to be visiting the game much after that initial play-through, though; the puzzles aren't exactly difficult your second time. With the challenge gone and with gameplay that isn't inherently fun, the only reason to play this game again is either to show it to a friend, or to play it again years after your initial game when you've forgotten all the puzzles.
For me, Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney was a
killer app. I just had to buy a DS so I could play the lawyer game. If you
only like videogames in which, you know, you actually do something, this title
might not be for you. But if menus don't daunt you and if the idea of
screaming "Hold it!" while pressing a vile villain about his latest
lie get your motor running, you might want to at least take Phoenix Wright for
a test drive, if not take it home with you.
Nintendo
DS:
Phoenix Wright - Ace Attorney |
|||||
Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
6.5
|
| 8 | 9 | 7 | 6.5 | 2 | |
You asked for it, and boy, did you ever get it! Terrence Atkins is here drawing the keywords YOU Googled to discover GameCola.
multiple plunger ape pump
brian vanek abuse
eenie meanie miney mo history
here is a list of adjectives
purple pie man theme song
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Narrator: Enrique ate a strange fruit given to him by one of his new followers. He no longer remembers anything about asking the innocent narrator to find him an island.
President Enriquemaniaman (PE): Dude... Why am I a portal? WTF is an island...
Narrator: I don't know.
Generic: But I do, President.
PE: Oh my word, it's Generic.
Generic: That's right, I'm back.
Audience: Hooray!
Generic: Enough of that, this is important business.
PE: What is it?
Generic: I have something important to tell you about your past... and your future, Mr. President.
Narrator: Oh man, this is so creepy you guys! Like a mystery!
Generic: You are actually from the clan of Negalords who lead the Negaverse into war against the Intraverse in the 1960s.
President Enriquemaniaman the Negalord (PEN): Oh my word!
Generic: But that's not all. You are the son of the great Imperious of the Negalords.
PEN: What does that even mean?
Generic: It means that when your father dies, you will inherit the title of the Negalord Imperious, and become leader of the Negalords.
PEN: Yes!! Muahahahahahahaha. Mooooooooooooo!!
Generic: There's more.
Narrator: Go on!!
Generic: Your father is already dead.
President Enriquemaniaman the Negalord Imperious (PENI): Oh no... I never got to tell him... never how much I... oh man this sucks... luckily it is lessened by the fact that I now am an almighty Imperious!
Generic: Yes. And as such, I am now your loyal and devoted servant.
PENI: Are you a Negalord, too??
Generic: I am the only Negalord left, actually. Our empire was destroyed in the same battle that your father died in.
PENI: So... you are the only one...
Generic: Yep.
Narrator: Haaaaahahahahaa you dork, you are the almighty ruler of ONE DUDE! Aaaahahahahaaa!!
PENI: Shut up man, just shut up.
Render: You know what we need to do now, Enrique.
PENI: What?
Render: We need to finish our challenge. You have been following me, stopping me from getting romantic with my new love, QM girl. That's right, QM—I am in love with you.
QM Girl: Oh! That's so sweet and creepy!
Render: It's now or never. I challenge you, Enrique.
PENI: Challenge accepted.
Rivers: I have just the method to perform this challenge.
Narrator: Ooooh! What, what?!
Rivers: Crossfire!
Audience: Yooou'll get caught up in the...
Rivers: Crossfire!
Render: Heh... That's my game, fool. You have no chance.
PENI: We shall see. And if I win, I take your soul, AND the soul of your one true love.
QM Girl: Cliché... leave me out of this...
Render: Don't worry about it, QM. I won't lose. When I win, you will no longer try to destroy me and my crew. And also you have to add an S to your name.
PENI: Grrr!! Whatever, you're on!
Which Gate Do You Choose?
Rendered Victor!
Render: HA! Both of those spinney things are now in your goal.. hole.. thing! I win!!
Enriquemania Runs Wild!
PENI: Muahahahahaa, you don't mess with the S, I am victorious!
"The S" ChriS MaSterS: Did someone call?
Vader: *stumble*
Generic
Generic: But wait, there's more.
Narrator: So mysterious!
So you’ve come back for more, eh? Just couldn’t stay away, could you? Well, I know how that is. No really, it’s okay. I understand. That’s why I’m here you know, to feed your addiction. Because I know what you need. And here it is… your monthly dose of…
There’s actually a lot more new stuff this month than I thought there would be. Or maybe it just looks like a lot…. Actually, it’s pretty cool how I didn’t get around to doing anything that I actually meant to do this month—you’ll have to suffer through more of the same characters gliding around the screen still. But the new stuff rocks! It makes me so happy! Go check it out!
Also, I need someone to voice Thurston, bad guy extraordinaire. Any really evil-sounding people out there (preferably male) want to do it? Well, this is the official casting call. If you’re a GameCola reader, and you have an interest in voice acting, all you need to do is send me an email and then some voice samples. Yes, you. Who the heck wouldn’t want to be immortalized in testgame.exe?
Anyway…
Things to do/new features of note:
Brand new screen! Try walking up from the crossroads in the forest screen. There’s a bunch of new stuff to look at there. :)
The giant imposing creature by the stream has a voice now! And you’ll never find out what he sounds like until you go there! (Please don’t kill me, anyone. It’s cool, I swear.)
Some stuff in the stream scene fixed: Try using the sunglasses on various things. Pretty much everything has been changed, and I think it all makes a ton more sense now.
Sound effects! You can now actually hear the door unlocking, and opening, aaand closing. It doesn’t get much better than that.
New and improved background graphics in the second and third screens. Hopefully it’s starting to look at least a little better overall. It’s still far from finished, but I’m learning things like crazy!
Upcoming tasks for Lizo:
All the stuff I said I’d do last month. Animating, more
background work, more voices, etc. etc. Funny how my to-do list is always
exactly the same, isn’t it. ;)
All the graphics and design are by
Lizo. The dialogue was written by Lizo, with significant input by Paul. Paul is
voiced (appropriately) by Paul Franzen. Lily is voiced by Lizo.
The giant 7-headed ogre-type monster is voiced by Jenny. Adventure Game Studio
(the program used to create this game) can be downloaded at http://www.adventuregamestudio.co.uk/.
- Elizabeth "Lizo" Medina-Gray
The other day, as someone on the subway was jamming an elbow into my
windpipe, cutting off what little life-giving oxygen I was able to suck through the plastic bag covering my
face, and I was trying desperately to tilt my head a few degrees to look back to see if said elbow belonged
to a man or a woman so I would know if I should be sexually aroused, something interesting occurred to
me—I would no longer need to have my "why I want to be in Japan" speech ready at a moment's notice. You see,
until recently people would laugh at me when I told them that videogames were why I was interested in Japan. Now that games are my bread and
butter (well, working at Capcom I can only afford the bread, but I hear it's healthier without the butter anyway), I have no such problem. So
allow me to share with you some of the more tolerable things about Japan.
Public Transportation (Not having to drive a car)
I always hated owning and driving a car. It's dangerous, expensive,
unreliable, difficult to do while sleeping and an all-around hassle. But in most American cities, there simply isn't
a realistic choice. And before you say "Ooh! You could ride a bike!", allow me to present the
testimony of several bicyclists from Lubbock, Texas. Oh, wait, I almost
forgot — they all mysteriously died when cars hit them. Add that to the vast distances between places worth going, and riding a bike isn't an
appealing option. I could have taken the bus, but in my city the closest bus stop to my house was a 50 minute walk from my house, and a 10 minute
walk from my destination. I'm sure there are plenty of exceptions in
bigger cities, but they're still far from the norm.
In Japan, no matter what out-of-the-way part of Bumfuck, Nowhere you
live in, there will be public vehicles within a reasonable walking distance from you. Your ride never breaks
down, your life isn't in the hands of drunken frat scum in oversized trucks, and you can entertain
yourself as you please while you travel. If you want to ride a bike or even walk around
as I have chosen to, there are places on either side of all major roads separated by rails on which you can do so. And as an added
bonus, walking and biking everywhere makes you healthier and more energetic. It gives me the extra power I need to sit on my ass and play videogames for 11 hours a day!
Alienation
I always felt alienated in my home country. That was great, but
boring. Being treated like a literal space alien by xenophobic Asians, on the
other hand, is very novel. I always get a kick out of small children crying when they see me, old ladies crossing the street to avoid walking
past me, and the classic "we'd rather stand up than sit next to you" (here I have the
chance to be an asshole AND punish people for their prejudices—double bonus!).
Of course there are downsides to being an eternal outsider (especially
if you work in a company full of Japanese people), but if you are of a certain breed it can make for a satisfying
life.
Curry & Japanese Pizza
Curry is the Japanese equivalent of a hamburger. It's ubiquitous, kids
love it, and most importantly it's delicious. Most Westerners have heard the word, but I'm sure there are plenty
of Americans who don't know what curry is. It's a kind of stew with various meats and vegetables
(the most basic Japanese variation has potatoes, carrots, onions and beef), poured over rice. Trying to describe the distinguishing taste of the
curry spice itself is as difficult as trying to describe something as fundamental as chocolate, so I invite anyone
who's curious to come to my house and try some. (Especially young boys with smooth
skin.)
Next, imagine if you will... potato salad pizza. No? Perhaps you would
prefer scrambled egg, corn, and teriyaki chicken on your pie? If these dishes don't sound exactly heavenly,
don't worry—I hated the idea too until I put it them into my mouth. It only took me one minute to come to
the concession that Japanese people have us beaten on pizza. Every week
I buy a pizza split into four new sets of toppings, and every week I eat the whole thing alone and pass out on the floor like some drugged
pig. I have yet to be disappointed, and once I finally get my paycheck my ritual will likely change to "three times every week".
School Girls, Office Ladies, et al
Call me an ephebophile if you want, but those damned uniforms are to
blame. Anyway, if I'm going to be a pathetic nerd with no sex life, I'm at least happy to live in a country
whose fashion senses seem to have been based around all of my fetishes. Porn is readily available but much
less necessary in Japan—I gather all the material I need to sodomize my vast imagination from what I see on the streets. Although on a final
note, I must admit to how disappointed the recently rising trend to fem-mullets has made me.
Jankara
When you think of karaoke, you probably imagine old drunk men in green
John Deer trucker hats singing David Allen Cole at the front of a smoky bar. In shy, introverted Japan,
however, karaoke takes place in small, more-or-less sound-proof booths. By far my favorite karaoke franchise
is "Jankara", which is short for "JUMBO KARAOKE HIROBA" (just like "Pokémon" is short for "Pocket Monsters" and "purikura" is short for "print
club"—Japanese doesn't have enough syllables so they love to abbreviate their own words. I tried to
start a trend back home of calling "vending machines" "vemachi", but for some reason it never caught on.)
Anyway, Jankara is one of the rare places on this island where you can
get free refills on your drinks (including restaurants). Not only that, but their drink bar includes coffee. So
imagine walking down the street at lunch on hot summer day. You have 600 yen to spend. You could force
your way into a McDonald's rice-paper tube to eat a few burgers with no elbow room, or you could spend an hour in a freezing cold (you control
the AC) room with your pants in the corner and a never-ending supply of heavily-milked coffee, soda, or even
alcoholic drinks. And that's not even mentioning the main event--singing White Zombie songs to yourself
through a huge speaker system.
Washlets
I see you now. You're balancing your keyboard on your bare lap as you
desperately try to wipe your ass with your primitive bathroom tissue. You fail, get shit on your hand, and in a
moment of panic jam the shitty finger into your own eye socket. Now you are not only probably blind in
one eye, you have to sit and listen to the doctors and nurses call you
"shit-eye" for several hours while they apply their proverbial leeches to you.
Not to boast, but the sophistication of the toilet I use quite frankly
puts me on a different level of humanity than you, making you fit only to drag heavy rocks to the center of town to
be used to build an eternal monument to me.
One button shoots warm water at my rectum, and another at my scrotum. A third button blows hot air up to dry my ass, and yet another controls the seat's heat. All of these functions can be finely adjusted at my whim, and the "low battery" icon flashes to make sure I never have to resort to using paper.
Wacky Japlish
And the last thing I love about Japan brings us nicely to the second installment of my monthly sub-column, "Wacky Japlish"!
It's a good thing they were specific. I'm a performer, but I don't have a band. I only do guitar bullet discourses.
Next month, keep me from having to think of anything by SENDING ME
QUESTIONS TO ANSWER! If you don't, I'll punish you with 3000 words about miniature
bonsai gardens. And remember: there are such things as stupid questions, and the stupider the better!
On the date of August 24th, 2005, I was caught with my pants down in front of a cop car that had been set on fire, while holding a book of matches in one hand and a tank of gasoline in the other. As part of my community service, I've been ordered to bestow my vast knowledge upon the gaming masses.
Dear Zack,
After going over my bank statement and noticing that I don’t, as such, have any money, I thought of a neat
way to make some extra cash. I know a lot of peoplemake a lot of money selling characters and items in
World of Warcraft online, so I thought I’d take that to a whole new level: I put my body up for grabs on
eBay. Not my actual body you see, but that of my night elf maiden. I offered my “services” to the lucky winner for an
entire hour. Sounds great, right?
No one bid. Not a single person bid. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My typing is sexy and my character has got it going on. Where did I go wrong?
Signed,
Oh, the Things I Could Do For You
Dear Oh, the Things I Could Do For You,
You're going about this plan all wrong. When it comes to cyber-sex there are basically two types of
people: guys, and guys who pretend to be women. Who's going to pay for that when there are about a half-million
dudes on IRC who are claiming to have 36-18-33 measurements?
There is only one tried-and-true method for making money off of online gaming. First, find an RPG the involves levelling up your character.
Then spend every waking hour of the next three months levelling up your character until he or she is almost maxed out. Then put your account for
sale on eBay. With very little difficulty, you should make about as much money as you would have earned had you only spent a week working for
minimum wage.
Of course, this is a moot point, anyway, since you're talking about a computer game, and according to Paul, if it isn't a console game, then I
don't give a fuck.
Sincerely, Zack
Dear Zack,
Everywhere I go, it’s Darkwatch. Darkwatch in the trees. Darkwatch on the ground. Darkwatch in my hand.
This is mainly because the makers of Darkwatch are
conducting some bizarre advertising campaign that involves littering universities with the images of
their insidious game.
Is it wrong for me to want to take all these fliers, chalkings and tree ornaments, shine them up real nice,
and shove them right up the rectums of Darkwatch’s creators?
Much Obliged,
The Vampire Slayer
Dear The Vampire Slayer,
I can certainly empathize with your rage towards the ill-conceived Darkwatch ad campaign. Hell, I can understand rage towards any ad campaign,
considering the fact that the purpose of every ad campaign is to trick you into spending your cash (or considering it's college, your parent's
cash) on useless shit like videogames. That's basically the purpose of advertising.
The way that advertising is supposed to work is that you are compelled to buy as much useless shit as you can. You buy so much that you are
compelled to take a shitty job just to supply you with money to waste. Before you know, you've become caught in the capitalist wage-slavery
system. Oh wait.. I just realized that I'm writing this rant for the wrong newsletter.
This is GameCola and according to Paul, if it isn't a console game, I don't give a fuck.
Sincerely, Zack
X. 
So it's a new month, and a new THUMBS! This month
I will be going back, waay back, into my memories of the before time, back when
I actually rented games, and bring to YOU the one true treasure that was worth the elusive
RE-RENT. I also have a couple more new games, as well as an almost forgotten RPG of the PSX
age. And then I present the one true game that, perhaps, might change the face of the world as we know.
Yes—it is that profound, and if you dont believe me, go check it out yourself because it is out there on the
WEB! Also I will be bucking GameCola trends against the infestation of cartoon themed games!
Wanna know what the hell i am talking about?! READ ON!
Blades Of Steel (NES)
OH YES! It is the GREATEST hockey game of all time! Yessiree, this game holds the
distinction of being my most rented game. Right above that classic "The Goonies." The fact is I
never even
paid much attention to hockey until long after I had played this game for the first
time. This game never even made me want to watch hockey. I dont really remember much about the gameplay
(standard NES hockey stuff I imagine), but what I do remember is one aspect: the fighting! See
I THINK, at least it was for me, the first hockey game that featured the ability
to toss down the gloves and bust open your pixeled opponent! Okay well you didn't
see blood and the characters were all only two colors. But it was FUN. It wasn't
a vertically easy thing to achieve either, so most of the playtime of this game was spent with me and a friend having our lil' hockey dudes
running into each other over and over until the fight screen popped up. GOOD TIMES
Captain Eric's Super Thumbs say... Thumbs UP!
Samurai Warriors (PS2)
Now this game is EXACTLY like Dynasty Warriors... and yet, somehow better. I can't really explain it because
every time time i think of a reason, I remember that Dynasty Warriors is pretty much exactly the same.
Historical characters from their culture, real weapons used in their respective time
frames... so i really dont know why this one's better. I mean both games are
great; any game that lets you chop down opposing armies with a sharp object and a bow is good in my book! I think the graphics may drawn you in more than with
Dynasty Warriors and the missions are more fun due to there being only two sides;
but yeah, it is a fun game when you're just in the mood to watch solider after solider fall before you as more just keep
on coming!
Captain Eric's Super Thumbs say... Thumbs UP!
Legend Of Legaia (PSX)
So when I started playing this game I thought it would be another average little Final Fanatasyish RPG. Upon seeing the beginning
graphics, well I still was thinking the same thing. Going through the story... I
was still thinking the same thing. Notice the pattern? But wait! It is about to get interesting because once you enter combat, you realize that wow this
ISN'T just another Final Fantasy "I am a teenage hero here to save the world"
kinda game. Well technically it is... the story is nothing really new, just a bit bland and
generic sometimes. However the combat system really makes the game enjoyable. The
magic... okay well the magic is pretty much standard will a slight differences, like leveling up on
use. But we aren't MAGES here are we?! Oh no, we all know that bashing stuff is the way to go, and in that sense this game shines! With a unique combo system that may or may not
have been borrowed at times by Shadow Hearts, the battles are a lot more exciting that usual and seem to move at a much more quick pace
even though they probably are just as long/short as your average RPG. The fun of the battles comes from you not just attacking but
choosing different areas to attack like up down left right, and forming them into
combos that do more damage. Really a fun lil' time and a refreshing change from the mash-and-wait approach to most RPG fights.
Captain Eric's Super Thumbs say... Thumbs UP!
Wallace & Gromit in Project Zoo (PS2)
Have you ever wondered what your copy of Mario 64 would be like if, instead of starring the
incomparable Mario and his all-star friends, it was instead occupied by that strange clayish
bald guy and his dog that pop up from time to time?! Well of course you haven't, that would just be plain
silly. Of course you have more important things to do, such as reminisce on how great the last
edition of THE THUMBS was. HOWEVER if you were to wonder what it would be like you can stop right now, because they have made a
game for you! Really now, that's basically what this game is, no real need to go into
it deeper. Take out mario, thrown in a dog, presto, new game. Wonderful. Now I know here at the
'Cola we have sort of some fetish for giving lameass cartoony games wonderfully high grades but
I'm sorry. I just can't do it. No matter how much someone's kid out there may or may not love this game
ENRIQUE must take a stand!
Captain Eric's Super Thumbs Say... Thumbs Down.
Zork Thompson (PC) - http://home.cwru.edu/%7Etss9/zorkthompson.swf
Very few times in one's lifetime does a videogame make you stop and think about how truly wonderful life is. This is that game for our lifetime, my friends.
This MASTERPIECE will probably never be touched by any game for the next thousand decades, give or take an eon.
From it's pristine and picture-perfect graphics for a game of it's type to the intense and
insightful decision making that it requires ensures that it will undoable be the game from
which all other games are judged. It is a FLAWLESS production that I was truly humbled to
be in the mere presence of.
Captain Eric's Super Thumbs say... Thumbs UP!
So I will leave you all with that. GO. PLAY. ENJOY. And be enlightened to the one true
eye-opening game of our generation! You will not soon forget it. And worry now, the sleepless
nights where you try to comprehend the true enormity of it's greatness won't last longer than a week or so, and you will be a stronger person for it!
Release Date: 2001
Starring: Ming-Na, Alec Baldwin, Ving Rhames, Steve Buscemi, Donald Sutherland, and James Wood
Directed By: Hironobu Sakaguchi and Moto Sakakibara
Written By: Hironobu Sakaguchi, Al Reinert, and Jeff Vintar
Every so often there's a significant advance in film special effects,
leading to the inevitable shit-storm movies with no substance, whose only purpose are to showcase said special
effects. Examples of this phenomenon include Twister, all three Star Wars
prequels and of course, Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within. 
Final Fantasy is completely computer-animated, which means the scenes are vibrant and colorful, and the people look pasty and lack emotion, just like in the future.
For well over the last decade I've had the opportunity to play a bunch
of the Final Fantasy games, and the only consistant with all of them is that they were all pretty decent games.
(Well, except for Final Fantasy VIII when Squaresoft swapped out anything fun about the game for more
realistic graphics.) Although there were things that are present in all games like
magic and chocobos, they all have there own seperate storyline, and their own set of mythology. So it makes sense that the movie
wouldn't based on any one of the games. Instead it's based on a collection of anime
clichés that were are all crappy even before they became trite.
From what I bothered to remember, the extent of this movie's plot is
that some crazy lady has been having dreams about the end of the world or some shit like that. And as we've all
learned from previous editions of Final Fantasy, whenever someone has a dream, it is always a
doomsday scenario that must be prevented.
From there, the four main heroes try to stop the evil General from
using a powerful that will, unbeknownst to him, expedite Earth's destruction. Meanwhile they have to escape these
crazy phantoms that kill your soul or something like that if they touch you. So basically, what I'm
saying is that Final Fantasy is a really dumb fucking movie. In fact after watching only about 45 minutes of the film, my psyche was so
damaged that the pain could only be alleviated by taking Final Fantasy out of my DVD player and snapping the disc in half.
Since I failed to finish watching the movie, I made up for it by watching MVP 2: The Most Vertical Primate. MVP 2 is the heart-warming tale of a young orphan named Ben who befriends Jack, the same lovable chimpanzee who put the awesome back into ice hockey in the original MVP: Most Valuable Primate. Ben teaches Jack the chimp how to skateboard, and Jack teaches everyone else how to love. Now, I know that MVP 2 isn't actually based on a videogame, but legally speaking, Final Fantasy is a crime against humanity, and I'm done talking about it. So fuck you, I'm reviewing MVP 2: Most Vertical Primate.
Ever since he ran away from the foster home, Ben has been living in
shack at an abandoned pool, which means he's living every 12 year-old skateboarder's fantasy life.
Meanwhile, Jack was kicked out of the hockey league thanks to the treachery of the evil rival sports team that every
children's movie is legally required to include. Jack runs away and finds Ben. Then there's some awesome scenes involving a chimpanzee riding
a skateboard. I was going to write some metaphor to properly convey the scope of the
awesomeness of a Chimpanzee on a skateboard, but my nose started to bleed, and I realized that is no such metaphor that the human
mind would be able to perceive.
In order to stay out of the foster, and support himself, Ben must win
the skateboarding competition so that he can get sponsored. Can Ben and Jack get to the big competition and
win the chance to skate alongside Bob Burnquist (who has a cameo)? Will Jack be able to get back into the
hockey league? Is MVP 2 proof positive that America can't possibly be the great Satan that all those other countries we oppress, claim
it to be? You're going to have to watch to find out!
Movie Quality: Imagine that you wake up after a blurry week-long bender. You have a
hangover that is so epic, most of you cognitive abilities of ceased to function, you can't feel
your legs, and you can no longer see in color. One of yours eyes is missing because your new husband, a 400 lb. escaped
convict with herpes spent the night skull-fucking you. MVP 2: Most Vertical Primate is the exact opposite of this horrific scenario.
Faithfulness to the Game: Well, the closest thing to a game that has anything to do with
MVP 2 would be theTony Hawk's Pro Skater series. Not only did it feature skateboarding, but Bob Burnquist is also in both the movie and
the games. Sadly, I do not remember a single instance of chimpanzee in any Tony Hawk game, so I'm going to give
Tony Hawk's Pro Skater a rating of -10.
I'd like take this time to announce that this
is the final edition of Oh, the Humanity! It seems that the last few months of horror have
left a permanent stain on my soul that probably won't ever come out. The thought of having to watch another movie based on a videogame causes me
to collapse into the fetus position and shake as I sob like a little girl after what daddy says is "our little secret."
That and the fact that Blockbuster suspended my account after I refused
to pay for the DVD which I broke. I insisted that I was doing them a service, and should probably be paid but
my logic fell on deaf ears. And thanks to Blockbuster's Satanic corporate scheming, there aren't
anymore rental places around here.
Another in our series of the evolution of technology, albeit a less exciting
one.
An example of how less is needed to store a lot more.
Note: The dimensions are rough measurements, so don't get all pedantic on
me alright!? It's pretty damn accurate for 3 in the morning!! : )
Paul: The atmosphere here at ringside is electrifying! Hello everyone I'm Paul Franzen, alongside "Captain" Eric Regan, and we're coming to you live, live, live from the DCW arena! Tonight's main event is sure to be a thriller — for the first time in several months, the following contest is scheduled for one fall with absolutely no gimmicks attached!
Eric: No gimmicks?! You cannot have a DCW match without gimmicks; this is just pure INSANITY!! What two victims would accept this torture?! Who is throwing themselves into this pit of vicious blandness, Paul!?
Paul: You mean you don't already know? Why, we've got lawyer Phoenix Wright duking it out with caveman Chuck Rock, with the winner going on to have his game reviewed by yours truly in this very issue.
Paul: I just can't decide whether I wanna discuss the Dual Screen's Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney or Super Nintendo's Chuck Rock, and I can't think of a better way to render this decision than in the squared circle.
Eric: So, basically they are fighting for you own amusement. What a cruel cruel man you are Mr. Franzen. THINK OF THE CHILDREN.
Paul: The children demand closure to this epic problem, Regan! Do you wanna deprive them of their closure?!
Eric: You could give it to them if you could only make up your mind! BUT NO. Why must we always solve our problems with violence?! IS THERE NOT ANY OTHER WAY?
Eric: Hey Look! our combatants are making their way down to the ring! Get ready for one awesome slugfest, let me tell ya.
Paul: We all know that Phoenix Wright is a courtroom brawler — but will he be able to brawl with the likes of Chuck Rock?
Eric: A man who, chucks rocks for a living?! I'm not so sure any white-collar warrior will be able to do much against this Neanderthal menace.
Paul: This may be a trial, Phoenix Wright; but it's not the sort of trial you're accustomed to. What will the referee's final verdict be?!
Eric: Ouch Paul, that line, was just, painful to hear
Paul: So what's it gonna be, Phoenix Wright? Will you be guilty of kicking ass?!
Eric: Stooop it! For the love of all that is good, stoop it!
Paul: Well folks, I think it's about time we got this match underway!
Paul: Ring the bell, timekeeper Bull Buchanan!
Eric: Finally, jeez. Someone needs to lay off the caffeine.
Eric: Whaat!? B-squared?! Why the hell did you give HIM a job?
Paul: It's funny you should ask, actually.
Paul: You know how we keep losing all of our staff to the World Wrestling Entertainment?
Paul: I figured the best way to prevent that would be to hire someone that they would never, ever want on their staff.
Eric: Greedy bastards.
Paul: So I got Bull Buchanan.
Paul: Great idea, eh?
Eric: I suppose... sort of.
Paul: I do wish he'd hurry up and ring the bell... he's just kind of staring at it, and at the hammer, unsure of what these two objects mean.
Eric: And he finally just slams his head into the bell. IT'S ON.
Paul: Sure took us a while get get this match started — I sure hope we don't have a hung jury on our hands!
Eric: If you make one more godawful pun, I promise I will strangle the life out of you.
Paul: Ha ha, that Eric! Always a clown! Call the match man, won't you?
Eric: Chuck Rock seems to be starting things off by shaking the canvas! He just cant seem to pull it up! I wonder where he received such unorthodox training.
Paul: There's no way that's gonna work, Chuck! That there's the best ring money could buy! It...
Paul: Oh, nevermind.
Paul: Chuck Rock seems to have ripped off a huge chunk of the DCW ring.
Eric: Never underestimate the frugality of DCW!
Eric: He appears to be hurling this peace of the ring straight at the well-dressed attorney!
Paul: Phoenix ducks, and the chunk of canvas goes sailing right into one of our ring posts. It falls to the ground with a sickening "thwip," and throughout it all, the question remains: What next?
Eric: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ON MAAN?! I am calling a doctor for you as soon as this FABULOUS match is concluded.
Paul: You know... I hear that doctor from Trauma Center is pretty good...
Eric: Yeah well, that doctor might be out of our budget; but I am sure this guy I met on the street earlier who completed three stages of trauma center will fix you up fine.
Eric: Chuck is undeterred by his miss and is running straight at Mr. Wright! I am not sure Phoenix can handle the force that is ROCK.
Paul: Don't be so quick to give up on the wily attorney, Eric! While shouting "HOLD IT!" rather extremely, Phoenix points wildly at the caveman, who stops dead in his tracks!
Paul: Who'd of thought that would work outside of the courtroom?
Eric: Well, cavemen aren't known for their intelligence.
Paul: "Now then," Phoenix says, beating his hands down hard on the turnbuckle, "I have conclusive evidence that you will lose this match."
Eric: But what is this! As this long-winded suit-clad hero prattles on and on Chuck Rock grabs him and lands a VICIOUS German suplex
Paul: But there's Phoenix, still pointing, still gesturing! That lawyer just will not give up this case!
Paul: He appears to be plucking something out of his suit jacket — perhaps this is the evidence in question?
Eric: Dropkick TO THE FACE of Phoenix, yeeowch.
Eric: And the "evidence" goes flying — tough break of our pansy of a combatant.
Paul: "OBJECTION," the ace attorney is shouting! His face is turning red and you can see sweat pouring from his forehead.
Eric: He might want to think about abandoning his all words approach, Paul, and starting throwing some fists in there as well; because as he shouts Chucky is applying a surprisingly effective Boston crab.
Paul: You know, I never would've thought the caveman would show such technical prowess. He's a regular Chris Benoit in there!
Eric: He was up all night studying tapes in preparation for this tough battle! He told me earlier he liked Benoit best because "he reminded [him] of family."
Paul: Phoenix gets to the ropes, and referee Pete Gas forces Chuck Rock to break the hold. After a moments hesitation our hero shouts "TAKE THAT," and kicks Chuck right in the face! A superkick from the ace attorney!
Eric: And it looks like we might have an actual fight on our hands! The blow set Chuck Rock back and... and YES... there he goes tumbling to the ground.
Paul: Phoenix goes to capitalize, but trips in the hole in the ring that Chuck made earlier! Both our combatants are now on the ground; will they make Pete Gas' ten count?
Eric: ROCK is the first one up, however, he is quickly followed by the lawyer. Phoenix appears to be going for another speech of some sort... but is cut quick when he gets locked into a grapple with Chuck.
Paul: I'm not sure about you Eric, but I sure smell what Chuck Rock is cookin'! He appears to be... YES, Chuck Rock just blasted Phoenix Wright with a Samoan drop.
Eric: And what a beauty it was! It has left Phoenix motionless on the canvas; is this the end for this annoying force?!
Paul: "HOLD IT!" Phoenix shouts again, this time more pathetically than before. But before we can find out what his objection was, Chuck Rock silences him with a People's Elbow. I guess it doesn't matter what his objection was, eh Eric?
Eric: Not one iota, Paul! Apparently his in-court prowess does not translate very well into the ring.
Paul: I think Chuck's hunting around for that piece of canvass right now — it just wouldn't be proper for him to finish out this bout without pulling off his famed finisher.
Paul: And since our ring is so solid, so expensive, I daresay you could say it is rock-solid!
Eric: He seems to have given up on his search and just ripped out another piece of our almost cardboard like ring! DEVASTATING, he is just smashing Phoenix in the head with it over and over... AND OVER... so much for technically mastery.
Paul: This raises an important question not explicitly mentioned in the DCW rulebook — can chunks of the squared circle be considered foreign objects? Maybe Gas should be disqualifying Chuck Rock as we speak! Maybe Chuck Rock should, dare I say, be held in contempt of ring.
Eric: GODDAMMITPAAULTHATSIT!
Eric: BY GAWD Eric is lifting a chair... CHAIR SHOT TO MR. FRANZEN. RIGHT IN THE FAAAACE. Unbelievable.
Eric: It appears that the higher-ups have told Mr. Gas that it IS legal and the match can continue.
Paul: And Paul is laid out, completely unconscious! "Captain" Eric Regan may have to go it alone for a little while.
Eric: Man, unconscious?! He couldn't even handle a little chair shot?! Jeez, what a wimp.
Eric: Well Chuck seems to be so caught up in his rampage that he did not notice Phoenix slip away, and while Chuck is still continuously beating the canvas well... with the canvas... Mr. Wright has snuck up behind him and applied his deadly variation of the chicken wing! Yes!: the Phoenix wing.
Paul: Our plucky hero Paul Franzen springs spryly back up!
Paul: Go get him Phoenix!
Eric: The attorney is slowly choking the life out of this Neanderthal! Unbelievable!
Eric: But wait! A large smile is starting to grow on the face of the caveman, as he uses his sheer strength to merely stand up and use his body weight to toss the fragile lawyer away!
Paul: It looks like Chuck Rock has effectively dismissed that case, eh?
Eric: Yes.
Paul: Undaunted, our attorney springs off the ropes and dives head-first at Chuck Rock!
Paul: He bounces right off Chuck's massive chest, and crumples to the floor.
Eric: That was NOT pretty, Paul! Chuck is putting down his massive foot on Mr. Wright's chest for the pin! COULD THIS BE THE END OF MY TORTURE?!
Paul: One... two...
Paul: "OBJECTION!!!"
Eric: OOH DA
