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Also Featuring: pineyRick, Genevieve Regan, Jenny, Frank, and Greg Johnson |
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Having now played Broken Sword 3, Monkey Island 4, and King's Quest 8, I now know why adventure games are no longer made:
They're festering puddles of squid waste.
Mind you, I'm not talking about the classics. Day of the Tentacle, Sam & Max, Maniac Mansion, and most other adventure games forged in the 90s were and still are the bee's knees. They have a sense of humor, they have engaging plots, and they don't have graphics and controls that make me wanna upchuck. You may think I'm exaggerating with that last bit, but King's Quest 8 literally made me feel sick to my stomach. Even Pajama freaking Sam trounces that one.
Quality adventure games just aren't made anymore. Publisher X takes a look at a game like Monkey Island 4 and declares it too "old school" (the most obnoxiously overused phrase of our age, by the way) for today's gamers. Publisher X decides to "update" Monkey Island for today's gamers, implementing gaudy 3D graphics, direct control of the character (instead of the standard point-and-click), a decreased emphasis on puzzles and an increased emphasis on action/platforming/stealth nonsense.
Publisher X adds all of these things in order to sell more copies of the game. And then the game flops. Nobody wants action elements in an adventure game. Nobody wants to use the keyboard to control the main character. Nobody wants disgusting 3D visuals that are, so incredibly that it must be intentional, far less realistic than the classic 2D look. The game flops because of the elements added to make it sell better.
Publisher X, however, does not realize this. Publisher X decides that adventure games just don't sell anymore—it finds fault in the original concept, and not its misguided tinkerings with the formula.
It's a phenomenon common in today's gaming, and one that Greg Johnson gets into a little with our interview this month—publishers handicapping games to somehow make the games sell better. Publishers subtracting the elements we love from a game in hopes the game will net more cash that way.
Apparently, today's publishers just aren't familiar with the cliché "If it
ain't broke, don't fix it." Broken Sword 3, Monkey Island 4, and King's
Quest 8 would have all been better games if they did, and the games might've
even sold more copies. People would've liked them. Entire series wouldn't
be shot because of one lousy game that was made to please the people. 
Love,
Paul Franzen
Editor-in-Chief
e-mail: pfranzen@gamecola.net
II. 
Letters:
Dear Paul,
I was sorry to learn of the demise of your first video game system. Was this the same system your father played, and you used to ask him, "Dad, play a game for me?" If so, it must have been a family heirloom. Perhaps it can be stuffed, mounted and placed in an honorable location.
pineyRick (Deer Trail Mario Kart champion)
- I believe it is that very system, Pops! Ah, the good old days, back when
you actually had a prayer of beating me at anything. I sure miss 'em.
Articles:
Hello, and welcome to my GameCola debut. Unfortunately for all of you, I have a lot of time on my hands, and a laptop, so therefore you must listen to my bizarre ideas and any other rambling musings I may come up with.
The game that has so moved me to take to my keyboard is Tetris. Clearly, the best game of all time is Tetris. You may doubt me; I can sense the eye rolling. Stop it now. I shall explain. First of all you must acknowledge the universal appeal of the stacking blocks. EVERYONE knows Tetris. Many people know off the top of their head what level they can make it to on Tetris—Why? Because it is a universally awesome game, enjoyed by many, many people, and has withstood the test of time.
Tetris is available on Game Boy, as well as computers and palm pilots. The more advanced game is definitely on the Game Boy. The Game Boy version has bright happy colors and three classic techno-esque songs. The object of Type A is to make clear away rows for as long as possible, Type B is to make as many rows at one time as possible. With two methods of play it is twice the game.
The palm pilot form is especially cool because playing games on your palm allows you to look like you’re being organized and productive while actually wasting time. It also allows you to avoid annoying classmates trying to bum answers off you because you are intent in your "scheduling" and don’t hear "Did anyone get #4?"
The skills learned in Tetris can actually be translated into real world situations. How often can you say that about video games? Use what you learn in, say, DOOM, and you may find yourself facing some serious legal action and inquiry. But Tetris teaches you about stacking and space management. This comes in real handy if you live in a shoddily constructed West Philly apartment where you have only a pantry and no cupboards for your food. You can use your Tetris skills to get the Thai noodle bowls on top of the mac and cheese while leaving a gap against the wall where you can shove packets of Ramen noodles. (We really like carbs—don’t judge us.)
Well, as the twin of GameCola’s Associate editor Eric "Super Thumbs" Regan I think my thumbs are also gifted. So I give Tetris, in any form, a big thumbs up.
- Genevieve Regan
Artwork:
Unlocking Raccoon Suit Mario in Super Mario 64
[Yes, that dapper sun is indeed GC's own Paul Franzen.]
- Frank
- Jenny
|
This is your place to shine, readers! Send us... well... just about anything, and chances are we'll paste it in here. Letters, artwork, poetry, photographs, comic strips—anything you can think of, you send it to us, and we'll put it in an upcoming issue. Sound good? e-mail - submissions@gamecola.net |
III. 
For those wondering how our ratings system works, it'd be a good idea to read this before moving ahead to our reviews.
Our crack review squad* has chosen the five attributes that we feel determine the overall quality of a video game, which are:
Fun - the overall enjoyment experienced while playing a video game,
Audio - the music and sound effects of a video game,
Controls - the physical means by which a video game is played,
Visuals - the graphical aesthetics of a video game, and
Replay Value - a video game's worth in playing after completion.
Other attributes such as gameplay, story, difficulty, and concept are not individually rated, as they can all be worked into one or more of the above categories.
Each attribute is rated with a numerical value ranging from 0 to 10, with 0 being the absolute rock-bottom, epitome of all awfulness, five being average (which is important to remember; many gaming publications use a 5/10 to mean "bad", but here it means "neither good nor bad"), and 10 being perfect (which should, theoretically, never be used; there is no absolute perfect in this industry). The individual scores are then averaged together, which results in an overall rating of a video game's quality.
The attributes themselves are rated in comparison with those of video games from the same genre and console as the one being reviewed. For example, the audio rating of Uncle Worm for the TI-83 Plus Graphing Calculator would be 5 instead of the presumed 0 for having no sound, because it is average of games for that console to have no sound. In the same light, an RPG that a gamer would want to complete only once would have a Replay Value of 5, while that of an RPG with incentive for multiple plays (such as alternate endings) would rate higher. One final example, to make sure we're all on the same page: The attributes of Dragon Warrior, an NES RPG, would be rated in comparison with those of (among others) Final Fantasy, an NES RPG, but not with Metroid, an NES action title, or Kingdom Hearts, a PS2 RPG.
Got it? Now you can go ahead and see what we have to say this month.
*Paul Franzen was the only member of the crack review squad involved in creating the GameCola ratings system.
Click here to peruse an archive of the games we've reviewed and the scores we've given them.
(Please note: GameCola welcomes
its readers to send in their reviews of any games we've yet to cover.
Please keep in mind, however, that we do not currently review PC titles, and as
such, we will be unable to publish any PC game reviews that you send us.
Thanks!)
Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System
Genre:
Adventure
# of Players:
1
ESRB Rating: N/A
US Release:
July 1991
Developer:
Rocket Science Productions
Publisher:
LJN
In last month's edition of GameCola, Matt Wright described the spectacularly shitty The Simpsons: Bart vs. The Space Mutants as having been released in "a time when licensed games weren’t known to be rushed pieces of crap with a recognizable character or two thrown in." From this statement, I can only assume that Bart vs. The Space Mutants was the first licensed NES game that Matt had ever played. I would argue that there isn't a single decent licensed game for the Nintendo Entertainment System. In the last six months, I've already shown you a few inevitable disasters that were licensed NES games. This month I give you Exhibit H: Bill and Ted's Excellent Video Game Adventure.
The game is not exactly based on either Bill and
Ted movie. Instead, the story is that some random "Rebel Time Vandals"
have misplaced a bunch of history's greatest figures. The vandals' plan is to
keep and Bill and Ted occupied with another adventure through time, because it
would keep them
from rocking. That's about as far as the game bothers to explain.
Much like with most licensed NES games, the developers decided that Bill and Ted's Excellent Video Game Adventure should have it's own engine instead of recycling a good one. So once again, we get a really shitty game that couldn't have taken more than a week to create.
The gameplay involves wandering around five different levels throughout time. You have to find the correct historical "bait" to lure the misplaced figure out of hiding. After that, you still have to find them in the right building and offer them the correct bait before they follow you back to their own time. All of this must done before you decide that playing the game would be more fun with your head in the oven.
The first level takes place in the Dark Ages, and I had to find the correct bait for King Arthur. After aimlessly wandering around the level for about an hour, I had found all four baits and finally found the building with King Arthur inside. Which historical artifact lured King Arthur back to his own time, in er... the other medieval level? A fortune Cookie, A Paint Roller, The Holy Grail, or an uzi? I don't want to ruin anything for you, because if the surprises of Bill and Ted's Excellent Video Game Adventure are things you're looking forward to, I can only assume that your kidnappers keep you locked in a dark cellar with only this game and a feeding tube, and I simply don't have the heart to take that away. Besides, I assume that that's the only situation where this game might get close to being fun.
Everything about this game is redundant. From the cutscenes between levels where you talk to Rufus then play one song in concert, to the same level that you play over and over again. There are Atari 2600 games with more variety in gameplay than Bill and Ted's Excellent Video Game Adventure. There are only about eight different things that happen in the game. And they occur about 427 times each. The music is the same looped pulsing sound that even the game gets tired of. Often, the music will just stop playing until you enter a building or do something else that would change the music, had it not already ended. The extra silence actually made the sound more tolerable, so it gets points for that.
Over a decade ago, Abby Normal had this to
say about Bill and Ted's Excellent Video Game in a review that she wrote for
GamePro magazine: "In this just slightly excellent single player
roleplay/action/adventure, B&T bee-bop through the Circuits of Time via
their time-travelin' phone booth." Assuming that she meant "shameful
excuse for a Nintendo game" instead of "just slightly excellent single
player roleplay/action/adventure" and instead of "bee-bop through the
Circuits of Time" she actually meant to say "rape my face," then
I would have to agree with her.
Nintendo:
Bill and Ted's Excellent Video Game
Adventure |
|||||
Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
3
|
| 1 | 4 | 5 | 5 | 0 | |
Platform: Virtual Boy
Genre:
Sports
# of Players:
1
ESRB Rating: K-A - Kids-Adults
US Release:
February 1996
Developer:
Nintendo
Publisher:
Nintendo
Holy shit, we all got our wish. The asshole from Nintendo Power has finally gotten his own game.
The asshole, Nester, apparently has a sister named Hester. Seriously. What kind of deranged fucking parents stick their kids with rhyming names? Huey, Dewey and Louie get away with it because they’re talking ducks. Nobody pays attention to their lameass names. What bully is going, “Holy shit. You ducks can talk! And dress yourselves and form cognizant thoughts! We have to tell the worl—wait, ha-ha! Your names rhyme!”
Since you only have four spaces to input your name and no members of this redneck family have normal names, I chose HORE. Because Nester’s sister Hester is a whore. Then I chose Hester as my character to spite Nester and instructed him to go shoot himself in the face and save us all the trouble of having to do it ourselves. Needless to say, I can state one rock-solid fact about this game: As much as you may want to, you can’t make Nester shoot himself in the face. Pfft. Lame. And while we’re at it, what exactly is so funky about this game? I mean, if Nester or Hester were bowling with say, tiny Russian babies and the pins were made of nuclear cores that would implode on impact I’d say, sure, go ahead and put the word "funky" all over the place. This game is downright anti-funky.
Here’s an
interesting bit of trivia: This putrid game was spawned from some retarded
synergy meeting at Nintendo
when the then boss, Howard Philips, proposed the wonderful idea of putting
himself into a monthly comic strip in Nintendo Power. Nester was his sidekick.
Let me tell you something—if you have the power to create any personal
sidekick you want, would you chose one that could get his ass kicked by Marv,
Wendy and Superdog? Fucking Superdog? This was an office joke taken way,
way, way, wayyyyyy too far. We’re talking five years too far. They even kept
this shithead around when Howard left for greener pastures. It’s like they
said on Family Guy, “You mean insane like
keeping-8-Simple-Rules-going-after-the-main-character-dies insane?” Yeah,
that kind. Nintendo themselves hated that spiky-haired fucktard so much that
they re-named him when he appeared in Pilotwings 64 as “Lark”. A name that
is, quite possibly, somehow dumber than Nester. Nice try Nintendo. We knew it
was your stupid Nintendo Power cover boy.
The Virtual Boy was originally released in 1995 (in the US, at least), and it was such a spectacular disaster that it actually ended the career of its creator, Gumpei Yokoi, at Nintendo. Only in Japan can your entire career be tanked because of one shitty hardware design. The dude also designed the Game&Watch series, the Game Boy, and had a major hand in both Metroid and Kid Icarus. And I know Kid Icarus must rock because every message board on the internet is flooded with dorks peeing themselves in anger over the fact that there’s been no sequel. As a matter of fact, it seems to take such a precedence in their lives that they flame each other constantly once they’re done arguing about how badly George Lucas fucked up Star Wars.
Gumpei Yokoi was a genius. No joke. I say “was” because he was tragically killed in a car accident in 1997. He died disgraced from the company he most likely kept afloat during the “leaner years” (read: anything post-Super Nintendo) with his Game Boy. This man was far ahead of his time. I malign the Virtual Boy, but it was an ingenious piece of hardware. Can you imagine this thing if it had been properly supported? Imagine Virtual Boy Doom. How about an RPG through first-person? Wrap your head around this: GoldenEye was in production for Virtual Boy. Go to planetvb.com and see for yourself. No, I may kid around, but I seriously love my Virtual Boy and its untapped potential. I bought it for $24.99 at Electronics Boutique in Portland, Oregon along with whatever games I could find. I mean, this thing was like the Chernobyl of stupid mistakes. How can you not admire that? A 3D system that only used two tones (red and black, at that), and is branded a portable but sits on a tri-pod? How big do your balls have to be to try that?
Right, right: the review. I didn’t play this stupid game more than half-an-hour. I give it three big happy, winking, extra red-colored, extreme GamePro dudes UP! All right, Jesus, for all you stickler’s out there: Control is handled via a spin meter and an arrow that bounces back and forth across your lane. Find the sweet spot and you’ll hit strikes every time. When you fuck up its pretty funny, though, because Nester gets all pissed and his head explodes like Bonk’s did when he ate a hunk of meat. The reason its funny is because Nester looks all pissed, but seriously. It’s Nester. From Nintendo Power. The only thing he’s ever scared was his mother when she saw his face for the first time.
Look, bowling just
doesn’t translate well into video games. Some boring sports do (golf,
tennis, pool)' some don’t. I don’t know why this is. Ask Jesus. I hate
this game, but I love the system
it’s running on. And I may hate Nester, but I love the house that Yokoi
built.
Virtual
Boy:
Nester's Funky Bowling |
|||||
Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
4.94
|
| 3 | 6 | 8.2 | 5 | 2.5 | |
Platform: Sony PlayStation
Genre:
Platformer
# of Players:
1
ESRB Rating:
E - Everyone
US Release:
When I saw Tomba 2: The Evil Swine Return on the shelf at my local game store, I figured I would give it a shot to see if it was as good as I remembered it being. Although it is a simple game, and despite its problems, Tomba 2 proved to be an enjoyable game. The premise is pretty basic: your childhood friend or girlfriend or something has disappeared, and there are evil pigs who may or may not be involved in her disappearance.
puzzles to solve. Some of them are pretty basic, but as the game continues they
become a little more difficult. None of the puzzles will fry your brain, but
some of them definitely took me a bit to figure out. There are a ton of missions
in the game, which extends the game’s replay value a lot. Some of the optional
missions are frustratingly difficult. For example, there is one mission that has
you racing down a track in a cart to deliver cement before it sets in a certain
amount of time. The first time through, the objective is easy, but the second
time is quite difficult. I got frustrated and gave up a number of times before I
finally got it. Also, I felt like some of the missions gave you no hint on where
you needed to go. It was almost like chance whether you happened to be in the
right place to complete it. The game has a listing of all the missions you’ve
started and completed, which helps, but with so many objectives in the game
it’s easy to forget what you’re doing.
PlayStation:
Tomba! 2 - The Evil Swine Return |
|||||
Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
7.1
|
| 9 | 5.5 | 7 | 6.5 | 7.5 | |
Platform: Nintendo 64
Genre:
Role-Playing
# of Players:
2
ESRB Rating: E - Everyone
US Release:
February 2001
Developer:
Intelligent Systems
Publisher:
Nintendo
I wanted ever so badly to hate Paper Mario. I was all excited about writing a scathing, venomous review for a game nigh universally loved. I was looking forward to saying that Paper Mario "falls flat," and then falling to the floor in a fit of laughter over the extreme wit presented in that pun. I was anxious about getting e-mails telling me how wonderful Paper Mario is, and asking me if I know the difference between a great game and my own rear end.
But alas, it just wasn't to be. While fans of Super Mario RPG will be disappointed by the game's generic characters, side-scrolling levels, and downright goofy... well... everything, there's no denying that Paper Mario is a solid role-playing game for a system that doesn't have many to offer. You just need to drop any memories you have of this game's predecessor into a pensieve for the time being in order to really enjoy it.
You already know the basic storyline of Paper
Mario, even if this is the first time you're hearing about the game. Princess
Toadstool is kidnapped by Bowser, and it's up to Mario to save her. Bowser
didn't just stop at kidnapping the princess this time, though. That wasn't enough for the King of all
Koopas 
this
time around. Along with Peach, Bowser kidnapped THE
ENTIRE CASTLE, burrowing underneath it with his own home and flying it up to the
stars.
Speaking of stars, Bowser was just en fuego that day—he also stole the Star Rod, which allows the bearer to grant any wishes imaginable. This rod was previously owned by the Star Spirits, who now find themselves under captivity by various Bowser henchmen. Mario has to rescue all these folk first before he can save Peach, the castle, the Star Rod, and the Mushroom Kingdom in general, because he needs their power in order to combat Bowser's newfound strength..
Paper Mario is not so much a pure RPG as it is an RPG sprinkled with various bits of of Mario gameplay. All the worlds are side-scrolling, like the classic Mario games, and you can defeat some enemies just by jumping on them (after obtaining an item that allows you to do this, anyway), and bash blocks apart with your head. Battles are turn-based with timed hits, which I've always argued against. Timed hits are when you press the attack button right before you're about to hit an enemy, or right before the enemy is about to hit you. They work well as an added bonus, as a way to deal extra damage or boost your defense a little, but they're obnoxious if you have to hit them in order to defeat an enemy, like you must most of the time here. Plus, since you have to be constantly aware of the game in order to do your extra damage and boost your defense, you can't just set yourself on an A-button tapping autopilot and read a book or check your e-mail while fighting pointless battles.
That isn't the only obnoxious part about battle-controls, either. With some of your attacks, you'll have to press the attack button repeatedly and repeatedly and repeatedly, and the faster you hit the button the more damage you do. This has never once, in any video game, ever, been entertaining or challenging. It leads to a pain in the thumb, not a sense of accomplishment.
Battles can also get tedious, when you're engaging Goomba after Goomba because you're not quick enough to sneak by them on the screen, and gaining absolutely nothing from it. You gain a new level with every 100 experience points, and with each new level, enemies give less experience points. You'll be pleased as a person wearing new shoes when you're gaining three experience points every time you murder a Goomba, but it gets tiresome powerful quick when you're getting nothing for it. Luckily, there are no random encounters, so it is possible to avoid engaging an enemy if you really don't wanna fight. The 2D environs don't give you a lot of room to run, but it is doable.
Unlike Mario RPG, where your party is made up
of original characters, and unlike Superstar Saga, where your party is made up
of Luigi, your party in Paper Mario is made up of familiar enemies. I'm talking
Koopa Troopas, Bob-ombs, Parakoopas, and other friends I don't particularly
wanna spoil. (Though, if you watch the intro, you'll see quite a few of them
spoiled for you.) Each of your party members has a personality setting him apart
from the mindless drones you've been throwing fireballs at for years, and a unique
look to go with it. It's neat seeing these familiar characters in such new
lights, though I'd still prefer Geno and Mallow to a feminine Bob-omb any day.
There are a few stealth levels in Paper Mario that you'll want to get through as quickly as possible. Every time you rescue a Star Spirit the game cuts to the floating castle, where Peach is kept contained in her bedroom. You have to sneak around the castle gathering clues for Mario's next move, which are then sent to the plumber via a Star Spirit hopeful. I groaned whenever these levels cropped up, but maybe you'll enjoy them.
Paper Mario would not look out of place on a GameCube. This title was released towards the tail-end of Nintendo 64's existence, so just based on that it's about the best you're gonna get out of the console. Intelligent Systems also did a quality job with the soundtrack. The songs (classic Mario remixes and original tunes) are performed by keyboards, xylophones, and various other instruments you'd play in an elementary school music class, giving the game a childlike feel.
Clocking in at just under thirty hours, Paper Mario is short enough that you might wanna play it again a few years down the line. There isn't a New Game + mode, and there aren't a whole lot of sidequests that you'll wanna play the game again just to complete, but the game itself is entertaining enough to warrant a second time through. Despite some issues with the battle controls (issues that you might not even have, if you don't mind timed attacks), the story and dialogue are amusing enough to keep you going. The Mario RPG series is quickly becoming known for its sense of humor, and Paper Mario doesn't at all disappoint in this respect.
My first impression of Paper Mario wasn't at
all good. I played the game for about three hours, and hated it because it
wasn't Super Mario RPG. I decided to give it another try this month mainly so I could beat
it, and thus review it, and thus profess an entirely unpopular opinion. But
alas, it just wasn't to be. Paper Mario is no Super Mario RPG, but considering
its
competition is friggin' Quest 64, it's one of the best RPGs available for
Nintendo 64. I received mine as a trade for Duke Nukem 64, and while I'm not
sure I came out better for it, I still say that Paper Mario is still worth
whatever Duke Nukem costs today, if not more.
Nintendo
64:
Paper Mario |
|||||
Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
6
|
| 7 | 8 | 2 | 9 | 4 | |
Platform: Nintendo GameCube
Genre:
Action
# of Players:
M - Mature
ESRB Rating: 1
US Release:
Pretty good game, really. See, I'm that other person statistics are always talking about. I'm the one who loves games, loves movies, and loves to see movies and games try and merge. I'm not talking about a game based on a movie, but a game that wants to be a game/movie. A govie.
I loved Dragon's Lair II: Timewarp. I fucking LOVED it. I dropped more quarters into that game and Time Traveler than pretty much anything at the arcade. Can you believe I actually passed TT like, probably 10 times? I was in love with one of the actresses, I remember that. I loved Road Avenger on my Sega CD. Snatcher. I love 'em all. I say, bring on the Hollywood experience. It's probably why I like RPG's so much. I'm the target demographic that most developer's hate because of this reason.
Now, don't get me wrong here. I don't love shit like Night Trap and horrible
titles like that. FMV is NOT the way to go. CG all the way, baby. Anyway, my
long-eluded-to point is that I love storytelling in my games. Bring on the
cinematics! For this reason, I love Metal Gear Solid. I remember playing through
it at one point when I had a PS1. I played the entire fucker through, all the
way to the end. To be honest, while replaying this one, I have absolutely no
memory of almost all of the levels save the end ones. Must've been stoned a lot.
Wait, that's right. I was stoned a lot. All the cinemas have been re-done
in this one, as well as updated graphics and 1st person targeting. All welcome
additions in my book. And while a bunch of magazines and reviewers have cried
about how sub of da boss bwattles are too easy and the AI is too hward! I think
it's spot on. I love the first person shit. I can think of only one time I
wanted to stop playing (that would be the sequence where you lose your changing
PAL key and have to go to the sewer to get it. Long story short: missed my mine
detector, thought I had to have it, who the fucking hell would think of C4ing a
fucking mouse hole to get a key?!).
Let's start with the re-done cutscenes, but first, I have to find the socks that just got blown the hell off my feet. Again, some cried foul at the over use of 'bullet-time' or said it made Snake too over the top. To that I say: what, fucker? This is a game where a ninja wears an invisible suit, a man has the ability to READ YOUR MIND, and the final boss is a three-story high nuclear arms spewing mech. I mean, C'MON here. I think we can safely throw any attempts at reality right out the window. It's not like this was a simulation on how to properly balance the economy or run the Senate. Let Snake jump in the air and flip around while bullets zip by all around him. It looks sweet, doesn't it? Oh, just admit it. It's killer.
Next up is the re-done graphics. Well, I don't remember shit about the original, so I'll just have to say that they're good. Not the best my 'cube has to offer, but very well done. I love the artwork and the in-game models are very appealing. Not so good: the CODEC scenes just blow ass. They look terrible and they go on for-fucking-ever.
Finally, the first -person mode. Don't remember the original, don't care if this was there or not. I like it and it helps immensely.
I've said it
before and I'll say it again. Silicon Knights kicks major fucking ass. The only
development house that can even touch it is American
Retro Studios, and they have yet to prove themselves with a follow-up to the
still amazing Metroid Prime. These Silicon Knights bastards are Canadians. Hmmm,
no Japanese developers on my top two. Weird. But SK has now hit three straight
outta the ballpark. We've got Legacy of Kain, Eternal Darkness and now MGS. I
humbly bow down to their collective genius and eagerly await their next
masterpiece.
GameCube:
Metal Gear Solid - The Twin Snakes |
|||||
Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
6.4
|
| 9 | 7 | 6 | 7 | 3 | |
Platform: Sony PlayStation 2
Genre:
Action RPG
# of Players:
1-8
ESRB Rating: T - Teen
US Release:
The first thing that needs to be said about this game, so that anyone who has ever played another Arc the Lad game doesn’t get the wrong idea when they see the title, is that this game is not really anything like any of the other Arc the Lad games.
A couple of the biggest changes are in the
storyline and the battle system. Firstly, rather than being a totally
story-based game like the others have always been, this game is based more on
completing various missions in whatever order and however many times you feel
like. Missions could be anything from saving some girls from some cowboys with
machine guns to killing ninjas and mushrooms, and can be made up of one or
multiple stages. For the most part, the missions are rather short, so you can do
a bunch of them without getting bogged down. As for the battle system, instead
of being a more turn-based strategic setup, this game is action oriented.
Everything occurs in real time. As opposed to fake time.
Though the fact that this isn’t really like the other Arc the Lad games may turn some people off, I found the game to be a lot of fun. The fact that there are so many missions to do and you can continue playing the game even after the storyline ends allows for a lot of replay value offline, but possibly the main amount of fun to be had from the game comes from playing online. There are a great many online-specific missions to play, and various modes of play as well. For example, you could group together with up to four friends to take on swarms of NPC monsters, or you could even go up against other players. There are 25 different characters for you to play as, all taken from other Arc the Lad games, each with their own special techniques and fighting styles.
One of the most frightening things to hear about this game is the fact that it is "card-based." This is scary, obviously, because many a time when RPGs try to base themselves on some card-based system they end up somewhat suckifying the series. I’m looking at you, Chain of Memories. Anyway, this game really isn’t card-based. It’s just refers to everything you equip as a "card." There are defense cards, which are the same thing as armor, attack cards, magic cards, etc. So basically, instead of equipping armor or weapons you equip cards. There’s really no other difference than that. One thing about this that makes it even better than many other RPGs in regards to equipment is that some of the cards actually change the appearance of the characters. In fact, all 25 characters have equipment that will change their appearance. Maybe that means nothing to you, but I find it pretty damn cool.
I really like the way they did the controls for this game. It even sort of reminds me of .hack in that there are many things your character needs to be able to do, like cast spells/attack/use items/dodge/exorcise, and you need to be able to access everything quickly and easily, but the game still manages to allow you to do this easily and without even really thinking about it when you do it. Sure, like .hack it may be a little complicated at first, but it’s easy to get used to and there really wasn’t a much better way to accomplish what they needed to accomplish.
The music is overall very enjoyable, and you can even pick and choose what music you listen to from the games music library when you go online. A lot of the areas you will travel to are taken straight from Arc the Lad: Twilight of the Spirits, so it comes as no surprise that a lot of the music is also taken from that game. If you have never played that game, assume the music was good in it.
There isn’t really anything of note about the visuals. I like them. They aren’t the best I have seen in my life, but they are good.
In the end, there are three factors you
really should consider when deciding whether or not to buy this game. Factor 1:
Will you go online? Factor 2: Are you a fan of the Arc the Lad series? Factor 3:
Do you like action RPGs? If you answered ‘yes’ to 2/3 or more of these, then
you probably should look into getting this game. If you answered closer to 0/3,
I recommend staying away.
PlayStation
2:
Arc the Lad - End of Darkness |
|||||
Fun |
Audio |
Controls |
Visuals |
Replay
Value |
Overall:
8.1
|
| 9 | 8 | 8 | 6.5 | 9 | |
You asked for it, and boy, did you ever get it! Terrence Atkins is here drawing the keywords YOU Googled to discover GameCola.
three person water balloon slingshots competition rules
whaat is the information super highway
where are all the cheats for grand theft auto san andreas cheats goddammit just give me some cheats
how would a caveman graph sin(x)
green eggs and ham seuss drow
V. 
With Greg Johnson, creator of ToeJam & Earl
June 16, 2005
Chances are if you're reading this, you love ToeJam & Earl. Chances are that you love the first one, aren't a big fan of the second one, and haven't yet had a chance to play the third one. Chances are that if you're not a fan of the game, your best friend is, or maybe your girlfriend, or perhaps your nephew or your babysitter or your dentist or your guy-in-a-carrot-suit. Chances are that you've familiar with the series, and chances aren't that you've never heard of the games.
With that said, our latest "GameCola Interview" is with Greg Johnson, mastermind behind the ToeJam & Earl saga. Many of my questions are follow-ups from an interview he did a few months back, so if you're interested, check that out before reading this. And if you're not interested, just go ahead and read what he has to say now. I wish more in the gaming industry thought the way he does.
GameCola: How did you get started in video game development?
Greg Johnson: It was back in the days of the Atari 800. The whole idea of computer games was a new concept. EA was just getting started. In fact when I did my first project with them they only had about 25 or 30 employees. I started off helping out with design on a title called Starflight, which I sort of ended up taking over—at least design-wise. It was a lot easier in those days. I feel sorry for people trying to break in as designers now.
GC: How long did it take you to create the original ToeJam & Earl?
GJ: That went pretty quickly. It was really just two guys in an office. Me and my business partner Mark Voorsanger. I believe it took us a little over a year to build. We had a lot of fun. It's very different these day with huge teams and big budgets. It really was a garage shop type thing.
GC: You’ve said before that the concept of ToeJam & Earl came from your subconscious. Can you elaborate on this a bit? Did ToeJam & Earl come to you in a dream?
GJ: Actually that's not too far off. The first entry point of ToeJam and Earl into the universe that we know was when I woke up at about 3:00 AM and wrote down a scrap of dialogue on a piece of paper. It was basically just :Greetings and various apropos felicitations—my name is ToeJam and this here is my homeboy, Big Earl. We are aliens from outer space." Not like it was anything that incredible—I guess it must have just tickled my funny bone enough to wake me up and get me to write it down. Maybe it's best not to ask too many questions...
GC. Tomatoes play a huge role in ToeJam & Earl—you can throw ‘em, slingshot ‘em, make 'em rain from the heavens... is there any particular reason they’re so abundant in the game, or do you just really like tomatoes?
GJ: Reason? Who said that "reason" had anything at all to do with ToeJam and Earl. No, no reason. It just seemed like they were the weapon of choice at the time.
GC: When Sega wasn’t showing much support for ToeJam & Earl, did you ever consider going to a different publisher?
GJ: No. It was already too late by then. When you have a signed contract you can't just up and change publishers. After some years the exclusive publishing rights will sometimes revert to developers but that's generally something like three to five years after it's published.
GC: You started working on a sequel more similar to the original ToeJam & Earl before scrapping that and creating Panic on Funkotron. I’m sure ToeJam& Earl fans would love to catch a glimpse of what could have been; are there any copies of that original sequel floating around?
GJ: Nope. Sorry. That got trashed pretty quickly. It's not that hard to imagine though. It was just like the original game but they could go into interior spaces, and we had cliffs, and we had some new surfaces like ice and snow. In the start of a platform project you build your building blocks, that you will later construct levels out of. It was that sort of stuff. Some of that ended up going into the Xbox version of the game.
GC: Why was the subtitle of ToeJam & Earl III changed from "All Funked Up" to "Mission to Earth"?
GJ: Well, I'll bet you can guess the answer to that. And you're right. The marketing department. They are forever trying to guess what will make games sell more. They were worried that people who didn't know about ToeJam & Earl wouldn't have a clue about it, and that the subtitle "Mission to Earth" would peak their interest because it sounds like a quest of some sort. I told them that I thought it would be better to have a fun title like "All Funked Up", but it was their call.
GC: Many diehard ToeJam & Earl fans weren’t pleased about the addition of Latisha to the series in the third game.. What goal did you have in mind when adding her to the mix?
GJ: Well, are those die-hard fans male or female? Let me guess. I added her because TJ&E is a cooperate game for everybody. Lots of couples and families play it together and the only playable characters are two guys! I wanted to give the female players a girl character that they could play. I suppose for purists it doesn't seem right, after all it is ToeJam & Earl, but hey, I don't get why people whine about that. They don't have to play Latisha if they don't want, and she really wasn't put there for them anyway. Girl power!
GC: Was there anything scrapped from ToeJam & Earl III that you wish you could’ve hung on to, besides online and 3-player modes?
GJ: Yes, there were many features that never made it into the game. For example, TJ&E were supposed to have a little robot dog named Neon. Earthlings were going to have houses that you could go into. We were also going to give players a freeform music jam out mode where they could go to town on their own and then we evaluate how they did. We tried coding that—it was pretty tricky and we gave up.
GC: Sega thought that the class ToeJam and Earl was too "old school" for today’s gamers, and thus needed some sort of updating. What would be different about ToeJam & Earl III if Sega hadn’t taken this outlook?
GJ: That's an easy answer—pretty much everything that made the original TJ&E different. Hub style levels instead of stacked levels. In the original game you could die and have to start over. That's why the random levels made so much sense. Sega said, no one wants to die anymore—so we took that out and we put in the hubs, and we sort of lost the reason for the random levels, and I think TJ&E lost a lot of that "how far can I get" addictive quality that it used to have. They also insisted that we put in more collectables—keys, microphones, etc. They had me play Donkey Kong and said "This has sold 3 million units—make it like this!". They had us put in gates, bosses, mini-games, a final big battle, etc. I don't think their influence was all bad. They had some good ideas, like the Lamont segments between zones—but still I wish we had put up more of a fight and gone with the old approach. Rushing in Sega's changes also caused us to introduce a few pretty bad bugs that it shipped with
GC: If you were to develop a ToeJam & Earl for Nintendo’s DS, how do you think you would implement the touch and dual screens?
GJ: Good question. Not sure. I've gotten a number of emails about that. Mainly I suppose I'd use one screen for your map and inventory. Seems like that could be really useful. That doesn't seem super innovative, but hey, can't be a creative genius all the time, right? :)
GC: Where do you see the ToeJam & Earl series in 10 years?
GJ: There is still a remote chance of a TJ&E movie but I wouldn't bet a lot on that happening. Hollywood seems to like to simply sit on properties, at least this one. Apart from that I don't really expect we'll be seeing more TJ&E, but then again, that's what I thought about five years ago too. Final answer....no idea.
GC: What’s the latest news on the potential ToeJam & Earl cartoon and/or movie?
GJ: Oh wait, I just answered that. It has all of the potential of a wonderful seed sitting in the middle of a desert. Or perhaps it's the potential of a seed sitting in the middle of a dessert. I like that better - seems to offer more hope—depending on the type of dessert, of course.
GC: You spent seven months with Maxis working on the Sims 2. What were your responsibilities in the development of that game?
GJ: Lucy Bradshaw, the lead producer in charge of the project actually brought me in to help them try and figure out ways to make their characters more believable and more interesting. I was really about as far on the sidelines as one can get. It was a very crowded pond and most of the other designers didn't really want another voice in the mix. I think mainly I simply helped support some of the things Lucy already knew she wanted to do. More than anyone else I think she deserves the credit for the great things in that title.
GC: During those seven months you were also working with Will Wright on a "new secret project." Was this project the "Spore" game we’ve been hearing about since E3? If so, are you still working on it, and what are/were your responsibilities with that project?
GJ: I only worked on Spore for about three months. It was in an interesting stage where it was sort of sprawling and all over the place. I sort of helped Will and his design partner Chris Trottier focus a bit, and get a little momentum. One of the primary challenges on that project was, and still is bounding it, as it is pretty darn ambitious—it's like eight games wrapped into one. It was great fun working with Will and Chris. They are amazing people, and that whole Spore team is pretty incredibly talented and filled with really nice people. I expect Spore will do really well.
GC: What other projects have you been working on lately?
GJ: I'm working right now with a company in Seattle Wa. called Multiversal Entertainment (http://www.multiversalent.com). I'm actually an employee and I'm commuting here from the Bay Area. It was worth it to me because they are just about the only people in the entire interactive industry willing to spend money on innovating in the area of emotional AI, and expressive virtual character interaction. And I'm not talking about the kind of "incremental innovation" that a few other publishers do and pat themselves on the back for. These publishers basically just want to make their shooters a bit better. I'm talking about boldly going where no man has gone before, etc.
GC: What do you think is the biggest problem of the gaming industry today?
GJ: Problem? I don't see any problem. Unless maybe you're referring to that insane production values race, and blockbuster mentality where everything that gets put out is so darned expensive that it has to sell a minimum of a million units to justify itself, so to mitigate their financial risk games publishers only go with what they consider to be mainstream "safe bets" and they only fund sequels, movie licenses, and formula action games that appeal to power hungry teenage boys. Is that what you mean? Or maybe I misunderstood your question.
I think the game industry needs to pick itself up and go on a spiritual retreat or something and re-evaluate life and it's place in the universe. If nothing else, it's unfortunate myopic, inbred market focus is causing it to pass up all of the additional dollars that might come from innovation and variety. Hell, you'd think they could carve off just a little bit to test the waters with some new things. They do it in Japan.
Why do you suppose that a title that isn't due to be released for two more years won "best of show" at E3 this year. (It was Spore of course). Well Spore is brilliant, but it was just an early demo. It's because there is nothing else original, that's why.
Remember, if
you'd like to hear more from Greg Johnson, check out the homepage of his new
gig, Multiversal Entertainment!
Chapter Twenty-Four
Narrator: As Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render VI of Trelenodora stepped closer to the lair to see how close the Emo Dragon was to reaching them, Rivers placed his finger on his nose. The rest of the group noticed this, and likewise placed their fingers on their noses before the good captain could turn around.
Render: Okay, he’s… oh, what the hell? I hate you people.
Rivers: Nose goes, man. You’re it.
Render: You know, there are some times in my life where I must struggle to find the words to express just how much I hate you frickin' communists.
Rivers: You can’t argue with nose goes rules, they are set in stone.
Render: What stone?
Rivers: Stone you sure as hell are not going to break with your mortal self.
Render: Could you break it Enrique?
Enrique: Break what?
Render: The stone.
Spoonlad: Oh yes YES! Oh great Lord Enrique! Please, show us your strength and break the stone that binds our fair captain!
Enrique: Ehh…
Spoonlad: Oh oh oh… these feelings inside! Oh Great Lord Enrique! I… I…!!
Render: WELL, I’m going to kill the dragon. See you all later.
Narrator: And so Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render VI of Trelenodora ran ahead into the cave to face the very very grim fate his fellow seamen had sent him to.
Render: Don’t think I didn’t see your finger on your nose, narrator.
Narrator: For the record, Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render VI of Trelenodora is lying.
Render: What?!
Narrator: SO IT IS WRITTEN BY THE NARRATOR!
Render: Ass.
Narrator: Whatever man, go get yourself roasted by the Emo Dragon.
Render: Yea? Then what? You’ll be out of a job.
Narrator: Err... well, good luck, then!
Emo Dragon: WHO is there?! WHO is disturbing my slumber?
Render: That would be me.
Emo Dragon: What business do you have here, mortal?!
Render: Huh? That’s gotta be the second time today I’ve been called mortal. Is it really that obvious? Do I have some sort of mortal smell? I wash my clothes waaaaay more than anyone else in the crew, and yet I don’t see any of them getting called mortal. I guess it’s understandable in Enrique’s case, but what the hell?
Emo Dragon: YOU KNOW NOTHING OF PAIN!
Render: What?
Emo Dragon: My heart has been torn out and spit on by a thousand bleeding hellgoats, and you come here and complain about being called mortal?! What do you know about being hurt?!? I HATE YOU!!
Render: Jeez, way to whine buddy. What happened to you that was so bad?
Emo Dragon: My girlfriend, my life, cheated on me with that bastard Barin!
Render: You mean Liaunde?!
Emo Dragon: NO, BARIN. How the hell could she cheat on herself with herself you idiot?!
Render: …
Emo Dragon: See?! You have nothing to say, GET OUT OF HERE!!
Render: If you ask me, I say you should be glad.
Emo Dragon: WHAT?!
Render: Okay, for the love of god lay off the caps lock for a second. She’s a bitch, plain and simple. You really are better off being cut loose from her leash
EMO DRAGON: I’LL KILL YOU!!
Render: Wow, you even did your name that time, I’m impressed. But anyway, it’s the truth. She’s no good.
Emo Dragon: SHUT UP!!
Render: Okay fine, whatever. I’m sick and tired of you’re screaming and whining anyway. If you want her back again, and it will stop this incessant wailing you’ve been terrorizing this island with, I’ll help you out.
Emo Dragon: …really? You could do that?
Render: Yes.
Emo Dragon: How?
Render: Can you change back from a dragon for a minute?
Jordan: Okay done, now what?
Render: Alright, when you wake up track me down and I’ll tell you what to do from there.
Jordan: Right, okay. Wait, wake up?
Narrator: And on that cue, Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render VI of Trelenodora gave Jordan a little Sweet Chin Music, and the whiney emo kid went down for the count. Captain Thomas "7-Eye" Render VI of Trelenodora was not one to stick around when there was nothing to be done, so he returned to the entrance of the cave.
Spoonlad: Ooohhh Enrique…
Enrique: d00d stop!
Render: You two love doves are still at it?
Enrique: !! bastard.
Spoon Lord: You defeated the Emo Dragon??
Render: Of course I did! What do you take me for?
Spoon Lord: A punkass loser who’s all talk, no action.
Rivers: Buuurrrrn!
Render: Pssh!
Jonathan: How did you defeat him?!
Rivers: Did you use the figure four?!
Render: Hell no, that move doesn’t even work.
Rivers: Yes it freaking does! It hurts like hell.
Render: Suuure it does. Anyway, we should get out of here before Spoonlad explodes all over Enrique's shoes.
Enrique: s0x0rz..
Narrator: And so the group returned to their ship. But then something CrAzY happened! WoooHooo! The world started spinning in an emerald whirlpool of dreams and wishes and the great Technicolor waterfountain spewed forth its majesty all over the sky like so many episodes of Flipper. It was a truly beautiful and confusing site and the world at this moment only knew one truth! There was only one decision that could be made before leaving the island, so the group would have to choose wisely as to what the one decision would be…
Which CrAaZy Gate Do You Choose?
Enough of This Madness!
Render: We need to get directions this time. No more of this aimlessly wandering around nonsense.
I am Hungry.
Rivers: I know we have plenty of dried cabbages left on our ship, but maybe we should stock up on some food before leaving for our next destination, wherever that may be…
I am Hungry. For Enrique.
Spoonlad: You simply must take me with you! I cannot be parted from my lord, my liege, my love, Enrique!!
Enrique: NO!
And speaking of video games, I’m sure there are just gobs of you readers out there waiting with bated breath for an update on the captivating new adventure game, TestGame.exe! Well, today just happens to be your lucky day. For here I am, back again for the third installment of TestGame.exe: Making the Adventure!
Most of the updates this month have to do with dialogue. That’s right, TestGame.exe now boasts complete voice acting, and with more than one actor! Maybe someday there will be three actors... let’s not get our hopes up.
Also, narration stinks. I’m starting to grow an aversion to it. Yet it remains (for now).
As an added bonus, you lucky readers you, due to popular demand, we’ve added another feature to this feature (haha). Some of you (GC's Matt Gardner, actually) seem to have had problems with the puzzles in this game. Well, puzzle, really. So I’m going to lend a helping hand. Yes, you’ve guessed it. Get ready for the…
OFFICIAL TESTGAME.EXE WALKTHROUGH
**Warning!!! Spoilers ahead!**
Paul encounters a locked door. To unlock the door, open the left hand drawer in the desk in the room, and pick up all the items until you find a key. Use the key to unlock the door.
Yeah, that’s it. :)
**End of potential spoilers!**
Well, this article looks about long enough now.... So on to the actual game! :D
(no extra programs needed to run this file)
Things
to do/new features of note:
Watch the super amazing intro cutscene featuring NewCharacter!Girl (or at least her back anyway…) and plot(ish)!
Notice how much faster Paul walks! This should make some people happy!
Listen to more awesome voice acting and try not to get too annoyed by the narration.
Try to open the locked bedroom door at least twice.
Read Paul’s mother’s letters (:D).
Note the trash can in Paul’s room.
Upcoming tasks for Lizo:
Anything involving backgrounds/characters/graphics of any sort. I’ve been rather lax in this department this month, and that second screen is starting to give me a headache.
More plot, more stuff happening in the forest scenes (will need to actually finish animating the girl, aannd will need a whole other character too gosh darnit).
Doing something with the map. Anything. Not sure why it’s
there, actually.
All the graphics, design, and
dialogue are by Lizo. Paul is voiced (appropriately) by Paul Franzen. Overly
Dramatic and Poorly British Girl is voiced by Lizo.
Adventure Game Studio (the program used to create this game) can be downloaded
at http://www.adventuregamestudio.co.uk/.
- Elizabeth "Lizo" Medina-Gray
Welcome to the latest edition of SUPER THUMBS! No doubt to leave you in another stupor of euphoria...
as it always SHOULD. This month brings some new games I have recently gotten ahold of, as well as some
classics... okay okay , just one classic, but using plurals always sounds snazzier. ARE YOU READY?? Here we go!
Fable (MXB)
The long awaited action RPG has a lot to offer. The graphics are superb, visually stunning at points!
The game also has a pretty unique experience system that doesn't use levels at all and consists of buying different skills and level
of skills whenever you feel the need. It's a nice system. I enjoy it. There are many ways to build your hero through the different categories
of Melee, Archery and Magic. This enables a variety of heroic funness every
time you start over, if you're into that start of thing. The gameplay is
ridiculously easy too so no matter how you specialize your character, you will probably
be kicking mucho ass. The game itself may be short but it's long enough to really get into and the different choices the game lets you make are nice, if not as perfect as one may think they are getting
with all the hype this game came with. All in all it's a very fun game
Captain Eric's Super Thumb
Says... Thumbs Up!
LEGO Star Wars (PS2)
LEGO Star Wars is far more fun than this game truly has any right to be. I mean COME ON,
you battle peaces of plastic with other pieces of plastic and yet.. IT'S SO DAMN FUN.
It's hard to say why, but it's a lot of fun. The graphics are well, lifelike.. relative
to Legoland, I suppose. They are nothing awe-striking or benevolent, but they do look exactly like your
Legos. Also I am pretty sure there are lots of subliminal messages embedded in this game
that will cause you to go out and buy every Lego set you lay your eyes on, so like,
be careful of that. The gameplay is like lots of action adventure games, what with the hacking
and the slashing and whatnot. The characters all do pretty much the same thing, with a few
exceptions, like R2 can fly, and a few others can jump higher, Jedi's control the force and such, but there are only a
couple archetypes with many many different characters available for selection. Story wise
it's... Star Wars, so you pretty much already know what's going on and such. However
don't let the kiddish idea of this game fool you! ITS A BLAST DAMNIT
Captain Eric's Super Thumb Says... Thumbs Up!
Wario Ware, Inc.: Mega Party Game$ (GCN)
Wario Ware is one of those lots of people are around, we want to play video games, kind of games.
It's surprising how hard it is to find games made for more than one or two players but this game. The game itself only uses like two buttons total,
yet I still suck at just about every game in it. You see Wario Ware is a collection of lots of different minigames and other games that make use of these minigames, a bit confusing so
you're just gonna have to play if you're really that interested. This game can be fun, and it can be annoying, it just depends on who you play with and if you
actually want to be playing games with them or not. Does this game even have single player modes? I guess it does but
I'm not positive; I've only played it with friends and I definitely would not want to be playing alone.
And while this can be a very fun game, I wasn't really a fan, mainly because..
I'M NOT A DAMN SPACE GIRL, OK PAUL!?
Captain Eric' Super Thumb Says... Thumbs Down
X-Men Legends (MXB)
Okay well not to ruin the ending, but this game allows you to control
Wolverine, so... yeah, it's way awesome. If you have a choice of playing Wolverine's
Revenge or this game, this game wins out by about 10000x. This is a nice little
RPGish Arcadeish super hero game. You dont make you heroes, they are already made for you, those immortal X-men you know and love.
They do however level up and gain new skills and abilities as you go on. The gameplay is mission-based, with you completing missions with your
selected team of heroes and then returning to the base. The story continues then it is mission time again. It is another mow down all the baddies in your way kind of game, but it's still pretty challenging with bosses with different powers and a few different types of
missions. If you enjoy X-Men I really dont think that this game will disappoint you.
Captain Eric's Super Thumb Says... Thumbs Up!
Pac-Man (GBO)
WHOA! It's Pac-Man! CLASSIC CLASSIC PAC-MAN! Pac-Man is a game everyone should know.
It's simple but ever-entertaining. It's the first game in the long line of games for many gamers
of all ages and will always be regarded as great! The beauty of Pac-Man is it' blend of
simplicity and difficulty that will always bring you back for more frustrating losses! Pac-Man comes
from the days long before they 10000-hour marathon RPGs with intense plots and storylines, side-quests and all that. It is not a easy game by any stretch of the imagination as those pesky ghosts always
seem to get the better of you in the end. Anyways, Pac-Man is one of the Orginals
Kings Of Gaming and nothing can ever change that.
Captain Eric's Super Thumb Says... Thumbs Up!
That wraps up another intense issue of the SUPER THUMBS. Be sure to check back next month as Captain Eric's ever
waning collection of games is yet againtapped into as I try to find five more games worthy to be given the prestigious UP or the dreaded DOWN!
IX. 
Starring: Angelina
Jolie
Directed By: Jan de Bont
Release Date: 2003
I had some
difficulty with my review of the first Tomb Raider, mostly because the movie was
boring and just plain lackluster. The second Tomb Raider flick is moreso.
Frankly, I had trouble paying attention, so I may have gotten some of the plot
of this movie wrong. 
Lara Croft is back from her adventures in Narnia, and is now on a quest to uncover a magical baby's cradle from Ancient Sumeria that will grant her the power to reclaim her youth, and rejuvenate her sagging career and breasts. Along the way, she must fight...um... we'll say Santa Claus and Hitler. Actually, that's probably not what happened, since that would make Tomb Raider 2 one of the greatest movies in the history of mankind, and the reality is that it was far from worth the ten minutes that I spent watching the parts of the movie that weren't Angelina Jolie's breasts.
At this point you may be saying to yourselves, "Didn't Nicholas Cage just star in a movie with this same plot?" Well, I have not been bored enough to see National Treasure, but I'm going to assume that yes, Tomb Raider 2 has essentially the same plot. Either way, both movies are rip-offs of Indiana Jones, and as anyone who isn't a Nazi sympathizer knows, Indiana Jones Kicks ass.
The action sequences were contrived and excessive. Don't get me wrong—I love excessive violence as much as any red-blooded American—but when there's no explanation for Lara Croft's many needless risks that never pay off in anything that we haven't seen before, you're left asking yourself what the point was. It was so Lara Croft would look cool. She fails.
The primary difference among these archeology-as-adventure movies is that Indiana Jones is the only one that's fun to watch. With Indiana Jones, you get a wise cracking badass, who doesn't come off as an elitist snob. Lara Croft is like that popular girl from high school, who everyone secretly hates, but still uses because she's really hot and her family is rich and they have this awesome pool, and her mom would buy us beer. Occasionally she gave hummers for coke.
Movie Quality: All of the fun of the games was replaced with an hour and half of Angelina Jolie's overly-poutly lips desperately trying to show pseudo-cool indifference, while she spouted bad lines from a script that couldn't have been written by anyone other than Corky from Life Goes On. She didn't get naked in this movie either.
Faithfulness to the Game:
The last Tomb Raider that I remember playing was Tomb Raider 2. And the only
part of the game that I remember was this one part where you have to slide down
this incline and time a jump just right to grab on to this other ledge to
continue. That was a hard part, but it wasn't in the movie. So I guess the movie
gets a zero.
Paul: Hello again everyone, and welcome to the BEST sports entertainment promotion outside of the World Series of Darts, Digital Championship Wrestling. As always I'm Paul Franzen, and with me this evening is Eric "I got stuck on the first level" Regan. And tonight gamefans, we have a DCW first for you.
Eric: YES! Tell these nice people what glory they shall be seeing tonight! Oh and... COME on now, IT WAS THE SECOND LEVEL. But I digress. The match we have lined up for everyone tonight is just too good NOT to focus on! Isn't that right Paul?
Paul: It sure is Eric, and it sure WAS the first level—you hadn't even reached the halfway marker yet, dude.
Paul: ANYWAY!
Paul: Here in DCW, we've had cage matches, we've had battle royals, we've had people dressed as bananas, but we've never had a ladder match, and that all ends tonight when Cloud of Final Fantasy fame takes on Karnov of Karnov fame.
Eric: A LADDER match!? Ooh that's a bad draw for poor Karnov. He is used to bashing infidels over the head with a ladder, not climbing one.
Paul: Well Eric, if you HAD gotten past the first level in Karnov, you'd know how adept he is at ladder climbing. It's Cloud I'm worried about in this match, personally.
Eric: The Nimble Cloud, with the body that could be
classified as fairyesque?! How ever could you worry about his safety in this match?
Paul: I'd worry about that man's safely when he ties his shoes; he just doesn't seem to be all there. Hopefully he is right now, because I think I hear the bell, Eric! DCW's first ladder match has now officially started!
Eric: That Karnov sure is one hell of a HOSS, isn't he there, Paul?
Paul: You bet! I'll tell you what, he puts all those Batista-clones in the WWE to shame. Cloud doesn't have the faintest idea where to begin in this matchup.
Eric: Yes, he does seem to be quite confused as to why there is a large suitcase hanging above the ring. He was briefed before the match, wasn't he? Oor did we just drug him and drag him into the arena.. like 90% of our other "combatants?"
Paul: Didn't you catch the contract signing last week on our show? It took up roughly a quarter of our air time and amounted to absolutely nothing. Cloud knows what he's gotten himself into, Eric. Boy does he ever know.
Eric: I musta dozed off for that one, boss! Err I mean, I was diligently scouting new talent, or something else very VERY productive and necessary. However I have to agree with you there this just doesn't seem like something Cloud would want to be a part of. Karnov is a BEAST, for the lack of a better word, not that I am too lazy to think of one, really.
Paul: No doubt about it—Cloud really has his work cut out for him in this match.
Eric: Off he goes! Karnov is charging the aloof Cloud head-on.
Paul: Wow, that was bowling shoe ugly! Karnov just plowed right through the diminutive hero! Cloud is absolutely pasted to the canvas, and Karnov has a hungry look in his eyes.
Eric: His onslaught has just begun, it seems! He is climbing up to the top rope and seems intent on capitalizing on his early success thus far.
Paul: Holy good lord, that's gotta be the biggest splash I've ever seen! If Cloud was pasted before now he's absolutely nailed, stapled, and sticky-tacked to our ring. This one might be over already!
Eric: Karnov uprights himself and slides to the outside of the ring, to retrieve the ladder!
Paul: Huh.. you know... I was wondering about this before. I don't actually see any actual ladders outside of the ring—all I see are little boxes with pictures of ladders on them.
Eric: I just got word from the ringside officials that this is the only way Karnov would agree to the match. Worry not—everything is under control.
Eric: Karnov is on the outside now, walks right through one of the boxes.. and.. it's gone??
Paul: It's funny how these video game characters can just pick up items without actually picking up items. Karnov is climbing back up to the ring apron, and climbing OVER the top rope, like only the most awesome of bad-asses can do.
Eric: Cloud seems to be stirring! But to no avail.. he it still plastered to that canvas pretty bad.
Paul: Now we see Karnov walking into the dead center of the ring and... well, now that's not something you see every day. A ladder just appeared right in front of him.
Eric: The wonders here at DCW will never cease to amaze me! However he sure does seem to be crawling up that ladder slower that you would think is humanly possible. What is up with THAT, Paul?
Paul: He's been studying his WWE tapes, I'd wager! Pretty soon we're gonna see Cloud walk up the ladder too, slowly, slowly, slowly, until they both reach the top and take a few swings at each other, maybe make the ladder fall down. Something like that.
Eric: Can Karnov's magical ladder even support two people? I will believe that one when i see it!
Paul: We may not get a chance to! Karnov's already up to that second rung; in a few more hours, he will have reached the briefcase, and this match will be OVER.
Eric: BY GAWD! Look at that! Cloud as sprung to life and is ALSO already up to the second rung!! THAT is amazing... and ever so eerie.
Paul: I... don't even know how that's possible... BUT I GUESS ANYTHING'S POSSIBLE IN DCW! Look at that, he's already up to the third rung, up to the fourth rung, up to the... what's taking Karnov so long?? MOVE IT FAT ASS, MOVE IT.
Eric: Ooooh and Karnov seems to slipped on the third rung and takes a nasty spill!
Paul: Karnov has crashed HARD onto our canvas, and Cloud is still climbing! Sixth rung, seventh rung, eighth rung.. there is no quit in this Final Fantasy hero!
Eric: He may just steal a victory here! Oh but wait, Karnov seems to have gotten he nerve back, and has grabbed the ladder and is violently shaking it with all his Karnov might.
Paul: He's just picked the ladder up, WITH CLOUD ON IT, and is swinging it all about the ring! It's like some extreme version of the airplane spin, with Cloud hanging onto that ladder for dear life as it cruises all around in a sickening circle.
Eric: It looks like Cloud has decided to make a faithful jump for the suitcase! BOY look at that boy fly! Oooh right past the suitcase and outside the ring.. he will be feeling that one tomorrow, I can promise you that.
Paul: This boy just doesn't know when to call it a day! I mean, he's lying outside the ring in a pool of his own blood, wearing the proverbial crimson mask, and look, I think I can see a few bones poking out.. and he doesn't appear to be moving at all.. but BY GAWD, there's a spark in his eyes that tells me this match isn't over. Maybe they're just glazed over or something.
Eric: Yes, I THINK i might have heard a gurgling noise coming from his direction, but I will take that as a furious battle cry foreshadowing to a comeback like none that has ever been seen before! Or.. maybe it was just gurgling. But Karnov seems to hell bent on finishing him off, as he goes to the top rope AGAIN! This may be a mistake for Karnov, as sure victory seems to be well within his grasp.
Paul: I don't think he's going for the splash this time, Eric! Suren he's smarter than to try and repeat a move like that.
Eric: It's some strange modified moonsault, Paul!! THAT INSANE!! And.. he HITS it!! The crowd is going wild, Paul! There is actually a Karnov chanting ringing throughout the arena! Simply mind-blowing.
Paul: I'd be on my feet cheering too Eric, if I didn't have a job to do! KAR-NOV KAR-NOV KAR-NOV! I think we know who'll be going to the winner's pay window tonight.
Eric: Me?? Please say it's ME!! Oh wait, BACK TO THE ACTION! Karnov seems pleased with his work and is rushing back into the ring, and BOOM there is the ladder.
Paul: No Eric.. I don't think that BOOM was the ladder! Cloud's prone body was lying right next to another one of Karnov's item boxes---this one, a bomb, and he just blew it up right in the middle of the ring!! Is Karnov okay?!
Eric: He seems to have been blasted clear into the audience! I can't see where he went, can you make him out?! Where has the mighty hero gone
?Paul: I'm not sure, but now BOTH of our grapplers are just about completely out of the action! One is in a broken and bloodied heap, and the other has just been blown clear across the arena. What does this mean for the match??
Eric: It can't end until someone climbs that ladder. Paul!! NO DQ, NO COUNT OUT! I hope you brought your pillow because we may be here a while.
Paul: Not ONLY have I got a pillow, but I've got a pair of silk pajamas on under my announcer's gear! Pretty awesome, eh?
Eric: NO ONE wanted OR needed to hear that one, Mr. Franzen!!
Paul: And they've got little butterflies and all KINDS of sparkly stars on them...
Paul: And check this out, I even got a hat to match!
Eric: ... oh God, please Karnov, SAVE ME!!
Paul: ..the hat's even got a little bell on it that rings whenever you... Eric? Eric? Where the hell did you just go??
Paul: "Captain" Eric Regan has just left the announcer's table, and he's heading straight for the audience!
Paul: Folks, in all my years.. this is the damndest thing... what the hell does he think he's doing out there??
Paul: You can't just LEAVE in the middle of a match like that! I can't handle this job all by myself, Eric!
Paul: Oh, thank the stars, there he is again. And he's got KARNOV with him!
Paul: Eric "Super Thumbs" Regan has Karnov in his arms, and he's cradling the fallen mythological hero like a wee baby.
Paul: Eric's carrying Karnov into the ring, and he's climbing up the ladder with Karnov in tow!
Paul: He's grabbing the briefcase, and putting it into Karnov's hand!
Paul: And now pushing Karnov clean off the ladder, sending the hoss crashing down to the mat once more.
Paul: And now he's back at the announcer's table!
Paul: Eric??? What the hell were you thinking?! We're not supposed to impact the outcome of the matches like that!
Eric: I COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
Eric: I told you no one wanted to hear about your dressings!
Eric: BUT BY GAWD WHAT AN ENDING.
Paul: Wait, I'm getting the official word from backstage now... yes, Karnov will do down in the history books as the winner of DCW's very first ladder match! And it's all thanks to Eric "dammit man, it's the lag's fault; it's not MY fault" Regan!
Eric: LAG: More vile that Paula's
PJs! GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE!
- Paul Franzen and Eric Regan
The Sexiest Thing I
Have Ever Seen in My Life of the Month
Sony PSP
I recently got a paycheck. Twelve minutes later I ordered the Sony PSP Dynasty Warriors Premium Pak whatever thing from gamestop.com. Best $336 (including shipping) I’ve ever spent. Let me tell you, I nearly cried when I opened up the package, that’s how beautiful this thing is. This is the Lufia II of consoles! LUFIA FREAKING II. Man, my heart is pounding as I write this, hold on a minute. I need to look at it again for a few seconds. Oh screw it, it's across the room and I’m not getting up. Anyway, suffice it to say it’s damn sexy.
When asked by Paul if it was better looking than the DS, I responded in such a way that prompted Paul to demand that my response be put into of the Month. So here it is: "DS is the ugly fat bitch who gets in your face and stops you from taking the PSP back to your place because its girls night out no boys allowed."
Okay I’m a little tired of that line, you get the point whatever. ANYWAY to
the point. What is the point? I don’t even usually have those in of the
Month. Hmm… Well, it seems to me that the library of games is turning out well
enough for the PSP… Better than the DS, anyway. And since the PSP isn’t
touch screen-based every damn game for it isn’t going to make you draw stupid
lines or poke things in the exact same way you do in every single game for the
system to the point where you only need to own four games for it and then you
spend 90% of your time using its backwards compatibility to play GBA games. And
its better than Xbox, too. Screw you, Xbox. OH, and on what other portable
system can you watch Will Smith’s hilarious antics in the newly released on
PSP movie Hitch?! Certainly not Game Gear.
I’m a little lost again. I think I have a point for this article now… it’s in my grasp and I’m trying to type fast and not let it slip away. Okay, here’s the "So, basically" of the article: I like the Sony PSP. A lot. It’s one of the hottest consoles I have ever seen in my life, and it even comes with a special cloth so I can obsessively wipe dust off of the screen. It’s like the creators were in my head when they put the package together. Anyway, that’s the point and here is the bottom line: My new high compliment is "PSP." For example, if I see a car and say "Man, that car is the PSP of four door sedans," it means that the car in question is a car that I, someone who doesn’t give a rat's finger about cars and is quite content driving whatever car is sitting in the garage and has no desire to ever buy a car unless its absolutely necessary, would actually consider saving up for and buying. Another example would be, if I call someone a PSP, I probably would marry you if I called you that.
Does anyone remember than movie where
those two nerds made some hot woman with a computer somehow? I think they typed
something in and she came out of some puff of smoke or something… maybe it was
a Barbie doll or something they were turning into a woman, I forget. I just
remember she had a half shirt on… it was probably the 80s. She really wasn’t
my type, so I don’t think I would try to turn a PSP into a woman, since it
would probably have similar results. I shall stick to just loving my PSP in a
strictly gaming related way then. Gamers should understand. And buy a PSP.
Congratulations to last month's contest winner, Genevieve Regan, whose favorite part of the last issue was her brother Eric. We hope you enjoy your copy of Diablo II in German, Genevieve!
Remember gamefans, all you have to do is tell us what your favorite part of the current issue was. After that, you'll be entered into a drawing with whoever else enters, and a winner will be selected at random.
The prize this month?
An "I <3 New Jersey" Troll Doll!
I've got this sneaking suspicion that a good deal of our readers are from Jersey, considering about 80% of our readers graduated high school with me. What better way to celebrate your heritage than with a troll doll professing his undying love for The Garden State?
So, there you are, then! Tell us what your favorite part of the issue was, and you too could own one of our fabulous prizes!
- Graphical Artwork by Eric Regan
Entire contents © 2005 by Paul Franzen. All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyrights reserved herein, reproductions of GameCola in any manner, whether in whole or in part, without express written permission, is strictly prohibited. All submissions including, but not limited to, artwork, text, photographs, and videos become property of Paul Franzen. All trademarks and copyrights are property of their respective owners. All products and characters are property of their respective trademark and copyright owners. Copyright in all screenshots is owned by their respective companies.
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