 |
 |
Join
GC's mailing list
to get an e-mail whenever a new issue is released. | | ||
|
Platform:
Nintendo 64 Review by: Meteo Xavier Now, with words
unearthed from the heart of a human boy, let Meteo X display his
emotionality, as only he could, in prose crystal-eloquent and pure....
Here's an ass-blasting, piece of shit question: Have any of you sick bastards ever played QUAKE II for the N64? Fuck-knuckles! I hope not! There's no fucking reason in the faggoting world for you to have to experience what I just ass did. Whore! I'm pissed. I wasted a day's worth of crapping time trying to fuck my way through this assing game like a damn communist abortion. That's time I will never shit back! And I only made it like two-thirds of the way through. Pussy. Now, I was a
stranger to Quake when I started it up, but not a stranger to id. id
made the ONLY FPS games I ever needed. Wolfenstein 3D for the Jag
and the original Doom games (including 64) were my bullet-time
bloodlust that satisfied every sexual urge I had toward demonic
violence. Hell, sometimes you couldn't tell the two of us apart! Those
were the good old days. The first
grievance I piss into your ear is the difficulty of the game.
Difficulty might not be the best word—a better word would be the
"impossibility" of the game. You're up the creek without a cunt this
time. You're going to get your ass handed to you on the third level at
the latest. That's because every enemy in this game seems to have a
Gatling gun and futuresight. They know where you're going, and your
ass is going to get a pounding. Even the lowly alien soldiers will
blast you before you even step into the room. Your tits will be
splattered farther over the walls than a chronology of Pamela
"Hepatitis ABCs" Anderson. Honest to feces, every single corner has
some tall cockgobbler with a grenade launcher and a machine gun and a
knife and a laser. They fire FAST. Whether or not you make your shot
determines your life or death. And that's just the enemies—there's a
LOT more to hurt you in this game.
You take damage for jumping down a ledge, you take damage for doors closing on you, you DIE if you fall into anything that doesn't look like a floor, and then you start the whole thing over. Sometimes, I swear, I took damage just because I hadn't for a while. So when you have like 19 or whatever levels where you take 15 damage for falling in a shaft and then 70 damage because your shotgun blast was an inch too far to the left at least 10 times per level, you'll be screaming "You fucking fuckshit!" like I did for all to hear and ruin a badly timed baptism that was going on in my backyard for some reason. The second
grievance I squeeze into your mouth as you take it like a woman is the
pissdestitute choices that put the "mental retard" in "developmental
retard planning." Further giving you reason to drown your sorry ass in
a porcelain of lost souls, everything in this game is far too
excessive to be balanced. Your Gatling gun eats up a MINIMUM of 15
bullets every time you push the Z button. It takes 50 bullets to take
out the grenade queer that's currently sodomizing you and another to
take out the little bitch firing rockets at you from the other side.
Once again, you only have two damage left before you have to do it all
over again. Any health left? Nope—you already used up the two medikits
that only refill 10 damage a piece. A Gladiator is just behind the
door, and anytime you cross his gun, your head pops out your anus in a
deluge of blood and semen (btw, what was semen doing in your neck?)
that make your stool look like fudge brownies. You run out of ammo
every two or three levels. There is no map, so don't worry about
trying to backtrack to find lost items. Just spread your legs, get
square with God and kiss life goodbye.
-- Meteo Xavier {07-2008} Rate this article — |
||||||||||||||||||||
|
Past Reviews by Meteo Xavier:
Herc's Adventures (PSX) |
|
| ||
|
|
|
|
