Right off the bat–vampire bat, that is–let me say that I do not like this game.

Maybe it’s a good thing that they only made three Castlevania games for the GBA. The three games are so similar that a fourth game would really be pushing it. Really, all that distinguishes one game from another is the attack system.

Oh, the attack system in this game.

They tried to combine the cool DSS magic system from the first game with the subweapon system from the second game. What they ended up with is a horrible mess that takes the worst from both systems and jams them together. Specifically, they combine these two elements:

1. You have a large array of special weapons, all of which are practically useless (in order to prevent one weapon from being better than another).
2. The enemies in this game drop the special weapons items at a rate which I like to call the Presidential Election: one every four years.

So basically, you have to kill the same enemy over and over again, for ten or so minutes, in order to get its weapon. Then, you learn that the weapon is completely useless. And you’re expected to do this with every enemy, because each one has a special weapon/ability.

Please note that everyone else who played this game is in love with the special weapons/abilities system, and they act like it is the greatest idea ever. I found that it impeded gameplay, instead of furthering it. But everyone else thought it was great.

Artwork by Colin Greenhalgh.

This game also tries to differentiate itself from its predecessors by having an actual plotline. Key word: tries. The main problem is that there are too many characters in this game to keep track of, especially because you only see a character once every hour and a half or so. I had a hard time figuring out what was going on, because every time the game revealed a crazy plot twist, like “Graham Jones is actually working for Dracula!”, my response was “Oh no! Wait…who is Graham Jones again?”

That’s not to say that there aren’t positive aspects to this game. It’s bigger than the previous game. They did a good job of revamping the boss battles, even though I don’t think that was entirely necessary. The store system was better, and they tried to cut down on the amount of backtracking you’re forced to do.

It’s just…I could never really get into this game. I always lose my will to play when I reach the large waterfall areas. I know everyone loves this game, and it was re-released twice, and it’s the only GBA Castlevania game that got a sequel, but still. For whatever reason, I don’t like it as much as everyone else does, and I certainly don’t like it as much as the other two GBA Castlevania games.

So I guess, for me, it’s a good thing that the GBA Castlevania series ended here. Not that this series on the Castlevania handheld games is going to end here! We’ve still got three DS games to talk about!

Lee Everett finds himself on a one-way ticket to death row. He must have screwed up real bad. We don’t know whether he is innocent or if the sod is as guilty as a pig in shit. This is just one of many plot threads just waiting to be ripped apart in Telltale’s The Walking Dead.

To start off with, Lee has to free himself from the wreckage of a crashed police car. Normally, this wouldn’t be a problem for anybody. A crashed car? No hassle. But what about while wearing handcuffs and with an injured leg? Not so big now, Houdini.

OH SHIT IT’S A ZOMBIE KILL IT

Well, whoops! You’ve broken your leg even more. Good luck walking on that.

You soon discover a little girl named Clementine. You’d probably be on better terms with her if you didn’t maul her babysitter to death. To be fair, the sitter did become a zombie and everything.

You hitch a ride with some fools to a farm, where shit GOES DOWN. You make a break for the nearest town and well, things get ugly.

There are choices you must make, some of which directly effect the outcome of whether someone lives or dies. It would be nice if these choices weren’t so black and white—it is literally a choice between “save person 1″ and “save person 2″. Whoever you don’t save obviously becomes zombie chow, because it would be dumb if we could save both people.

Ha…sarcasm.

If it doesn’t matter who lives and dies, then why should it matter if I have to pick? You’re just playing with my emotions.

There’s a lot of bad language. The game is also rated M for Mature, so you’ll see some serious shit. Oh, if you like gore, you’ll get some. But that isn’t what the game is about.

The Walking Dead is about the humans more than the zombies. You’re going to meet characters that you could swear are real people. These characters may come to respect and trust you over time. They might question your actions and become bitter or spiteful. Some characters know more about Lee than we do, and his little “life sentence” he’s managed to escape from.

Maybe you can get them to trust you, if not they might punch your lights out and leave you for dead while the zombies are breaking in. I won’t forget that, Larry. Tell anyone I’m a murderer, and I’ll add you to the list.

I felt that the characters in this game are memorable, something that I usually don’t find true when I’m playing an adventure game. Glenn, from the comic and television series, makes an appearance in this episode. The actor providing his voice is not the same as the television series, but I don’t think there is much of a difference.

The voice acting is good. The sound direction is decent. With all due respect, Telltale get the voice direction or sound correct most of the time. The quality of the acting makes the people seem more human than they already did. I also condone the use of thick accents in games, and I am pleased that each character seems to speak in an elaborately exaggerated fashion. Well done.

Now to comment on the visuals. These screenshots speak for themselves, so everything I say here is rather unnecessary.

The game is a sight to behold. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. This game is beautiful. The environments seem almost real. The style careens smoothly between realism and comic book style without any flaws. The little elements such as sparks, dust and lighting really helps the areas stand out.

Perhaps the drug store could have been made less cluttered. I know that a messy store is far more realistic, but trying to perform actions with the seven-or-so NPCs in that scene just made things difficult.

As for the characters themselves, there is a lot of expression. The characters all look very human when it comes to talking and taking basic actions. A few of the animations still have that Sam & Max cartoony style to them; I just accept it as a trait of Telltale’s because it doesn’t detract from the experience too much.

The textures look good. Especially on the characters and the walkers. I am impressed.

There are times when the game collapses and the graphics hard a hard time keeping up. Especially around Hershel’s Farm, and at the zombie-bashing finale of Episode 1. Hopefully no more of that immersion-breaking slowdown will appear in future episodes.

It is viscerally satisfying when you get to ditch one of the walkers.

This isn’t a short game, either. This episode clocks in at about three hours or so. Maybe a little bit longer if you bust your balls over every side quest. The different choices you make result in subtle changes to the story. This promotes multiple play-throughs. Telltale promise that your choices in the first episode will echo all the way through until the end of the game. I cannot wait to see whether I get a red, green or blue ending after all my hard work. #masseffect3

I do have some minor gripes. I always like keeping the negative stuff ’til last; it has more of an impact that way. Sometimes the speech begins before the loading screen disappears, and the game immediately speeds up and then slows down to sync with the voices.

One puzzle sees Lee trying to get into a car so that he can take an item from inside. The player can find a pillow. If you try to use the pillow on the car window, Glen chastises you. Am I the only person who thinks that putting the pillow up against the window, and then punching the window through with the pillow in the way, will dull the sound? Sure, it would still be loud. But the pillow would mute the sound of a window getting smashed better than it can muffle the sound of a bloody gunshot, which is what you will end up using it for.

Also, Lee needs to get a brick at one point so that he can destroy a window. The players spots a cane earlier in the game but cannot take it with them. Surely Lee could bring the brick towards himself by using the cane? No, instead, Lee has to go through a whole massive sidequest just to get an axe so he can chop the lock off the door to get the brick, thereby endangering his life.

But how is he going to be able to throw that brick without getting past the gate? You’re stupid, Matt. You’re stupid.

As always, there will be logic you don’t agree with in adventure games. The sign of a good adventure game isn’t having to dumb down the puzzles, just give a little clue every now and then. However, I have no right to moan. I played the game with the clues turned off because I wanted the authentic zombie experience.

I do look forward to the following episodes. If the quality of the writing, audio and visuals remain consistent, then I will no doubt enjoy playing the rest of this series. And so will you, I’d wager. From what I can tell, fans of the franchise should dig this game too.

If Telltale try a little harder to iron out the smaller issues like the framerate stutter, then it could be a lot better.

Last year, GameCola decided that Where’s Waldo? (NES) was the third-worst game ever. So when I heard that they made a Where’s Waldo? game for the iPad, my thoughts went something like this:

1. WHY??????
2. Well, it can’t be worse than the NES version…
3. Okay, I’m buying it.

Apparently, I am a total sheep who will buy any game, as long as it has a recognizable name in the title. This is why I own copies of Super Smash Brothers Tea Party and Sonic the Hedgehog Goes Bowling. That is also why I own the game based off Where’s Waldo?: The Fantastic Journey, better known by Waldo connoisseurs as “the yellow book”.

Actually, hold on a second. I own this game, not because I’m a sheep, but because it’s good. It might not be as fantastic as the name makes it out to be, but it’s definitely a good buy for three dollars. That’s twenty-seven dollars cheaper than the original Wii version of the game.

Here’s how the gameplay works. You are given a large screen, which is basically a scene from the book, scanned in at a high resolution. Scroll around the screen until you find what you’re looking for, then tap on it. It’s your basic hidden objects game, and you can visit each screen multiple times to get a new set of objects to find. First among the objects to find, of course, are Waldo, Wenda and Wizard Whitebeard.

The game has voice acting and minor animation of the main characters telling the player what to do. I thought that was a nice touch. The game also comes with a multiplayer mode, which I never tried out. I presume it involves finding ten items, then handing the iPad to someone else so they can attempt to find ten items faster than you did.

Now for the downsides to the game. It clocks in at 565 MB, which is way too much for a game that only has twelve screens. I mean, seriously, it takes up more memory than four Monkey Island iPad games put together. There must be some way to improve this game’s memory usage.

The other main downside to the game is that…well, it’s a hidden objects game. I played it for about fifteen minutes, then I got bored. No offense, Waldo.  If you get lost in a future, buy a GPS; don’t call me to find you.

Paul: Hello everyone, and welcome BACK—yes, welcome BACK, after four looooooong years—to Digital Championship Wrestling!

Paul: As always I’m Paul Franzen, and with me, by my side—my broadcast partner—”Captain” Eric Regan.

Eric: Whoa, really? FOUR years? That was one killer nap I just took!

Paul: Four years. The last time we saw wrestling in these hallowed halls of the James Pond Memorial Coliseum, you were being eaten by ghosts.

Paul: How do you feel?

Eric: I feel wonderful, Paul! Like a million bucks! No cravings for flesh what-so-ever.

Paul: Great. Let’s cut the small talk: the FAN wants to know what sort of spectacle they’re about to bear witness to!

Paul: Tonight, in this very ring, we have a DCW legend. He’s survived not one, but TWO matches in our squared circle.

Paul: And he’s got some of the spikiest hair known to mankind.

Eric: Does he still have his feet?

Paul: Ladies and gentlemen…the Ace Attorney, Phoenix Wright!

Eric: WHAT?! But the FAN hates that guy! I can’t think of a single GameCola-er who can even TOLERATE his games!

Paul: And his opponent… He’s been in the center of a lot of controversy lately…

Paul: …which is why we invited him, because we want some of that sweet, sweet SEO. From Mass Effect, it’s Commander Shepard!

Paul: …is that the dude version of Shepard, or the female version? I can’t tell.

Eric: Commander Shepard is whatever you want it to be, Paul. It transcends gender. You must look within yourself for the answer to that question.

Eric: Oh wait, it’s a dude. Just saw him scratch himself.

Paul: Ding! There’s the timekeeper’s bell, and that means this match is underway!

Eric: It’s off to a slow start; the two warriors are just feeling each other out. Commander Shepard seems a little lost without his array of intergalactic weaponry.

Paul: I think Phoenix might “object” to that statement, Eric! A swift kick to the gut of DudeShep, and Commander Shepard is hunched over, allowing the Ace Attorney to nail his patented “Ace Crusher” inverted neck-breaker.

Paul: DudeShep hits the canvas HARD.

Eric: But he pops right up again, and BroShep is PISSED! He’s pounding away at the Ace Attorney’s face—that’s what Wright gets for trying to hit a signature move so early.

Paul: DudeShep goes for one punch too many and whiffs on the last one, allowing Phoenix to capitalize! He grabs the right arm and wrenches it behind Shep’s back, locking him in to a deadly chicken-wing submission.

Eric: OH GAWD!! NOT THE CHICKEN-WING!! No one has ever gotten out of its deadly grasp!!

Eric: But however futile his efforts might be, BroShep is not calling it quits yet! Perhaps being confronted with the Reaper invasion of wrestling moves is only pushing him harder!

Paul: DudeShep turns it around and drives Phoenix into the ring post. And again—and AGAIN!

Paul: Be careful—we got those ring posts at a liquidation sale!

Eric: We got this entire arena at a liquidation sale, Paul!

Eric: Phoenix will not relent. His grasp is still fully intact.

Eric: But look at that—somewhere deep down, BroShep found some last bit of super-strength! He’s LAUNCHING himself and Phoenix into the air! A TRIPLE BACK FRONT FLIP! The pair comes crashing down into the canvas.

Paul: DudeShep slowly crawls on top of Phoenix, and referee Marty Jannetty is in position!

Paul: ONE!

Paul: TWO!

Paul: Wright kicks out!

Eric: The two warriors slowly make way to their feet, the prolonged exchange taking a lot out of both men.

Paul: They go back into a lockup. Phoenix gets the advantage—he picks the Commander up and SLAMS him back down onto the mat.

Paul: Into the corner now, and—yes, I believe Phoenix Wright is going airborne!

Eric: THE PHOENIX RISES AGAIN!!!

Eric: …Was that over the top and cliché-y enough, Franzen? I gotta stay atop my game! Four years is a looong time.

Paul: Honestly, I’m just sad you beat me to it!

Paul: Before this Phoenix can take flight though, DudeShep dives into the ropes and knocks him over! Wright crumples, butt-first, to the outside of the ring.

Paul: Marty Jannetty is starting his 10-count. “ONE! TWO!”

Paul: Are we going to have a count-out victory in our first match back?!

Paul: “THREE! FOUR!”

Eric: BroShep starts climbing the ropes himself! Why would he risk everything now?! Victory is within his grasp!

Paul: Phoenix is rousing, and he seems to be reaching for something under the ring…

Paul: Is that a vintage Steel Samurai collectible lunch box?!

Paul: That thing’s made of actual steel! Be careful!

Paul: The referee’s count continues. “FIVE!”

Eric: But just as he triumphantly lifts the lunch box over his head… Commander Shepard comes flying off the top rope! He elbowed that lunch box right into Wright’s face! OUCH.

Paul: And Phoenix Wright is out COLD! Shepard easily slips back inside the ring, and the referee starts his ten-count again. “ONE!”

Paul: All DudeShep has to do is wait it out, and he’s got this one.

Paul: “TWO! THREE!”

Eric: I just can’t believe he went with the old lunch box trick. That one NEVER works!

Eric: A seasoned lawyer should know that.

Paul: “FOUR!”

Paul: I think Phoenix might be getting a guilty verdict tonight, Eric!

Paul: “FIVE!”

Paul: “SIX!”

Paul: …

Paul: “…OBJECTION!”

Eric: Huh?! That’s not a number!

Paul: That’s not the referee, either! There’s someone at the entrance ramp, pointing their finger out dramatically toward the ring! Who is that?!

Eric: Someone…in a suit? I don’t know these characters!

Paul: APOLLO JUSTICE?! Who invited that clown?!

Eric: I believe it was you. I mean, if we are going by that engraved invitation in his hand. The one that says “from Paul,” with lil’ hearts drawn all over it.

Paul: Apollo starts making his way to ringside to help rouse his mentor…

Paul: But the referee’s count continues. “SEVEN!” “EIGHT!”

Eric: Jannetty, doing his job?! The most shocking thing of the night!

Paul: He’s there! He’s made it to Phoenix’s side! He’s trying to help the ace attorney back up to his feet…

Paul: …but Phoenix just shoves him away. He doesn’t want Apollo’s help!

Paul: Phoenix grasps the edge of the ring apron, slowly pulling himself back up.

Paul: “NINE!”

Paul: Will he make it?!

Eric: The fan will be disappointed, I’m thinking.

Paul: “TE-

Paul: He did it! He’s back in the ring! What a turnabout!

Eric: Mr. Shep has one piiiiiiiissed-off scowl on his face! He must feel cheated out of his highly prestigious count-out victory!

Eric: He’s jawing at Jannetty, completely ignoring the suit-clad combatant. BroShep is really racking up those Renegade points.

Paul: Meanwhile, outside, Apollo grabs the vintage Steel Samurai collectible lunchbox.

Eric: Dented, bloodied—but still one very dangerous weapon!

Paul: He slips inside the ring, about to hand the lunchbox over to Phoenix Wright…

Paul: But again, Phoenix says no!

Eric: Shepard turns around at just that moment—and punches the lunchbox right into Apollo’s face.

Paul: The crowd goes wild!

Eric: No, Paul, that’s just you.

Eric: Apollo goes flying out of the ring, but alas! It seems Shepard didn’t learn his steel-on-flesh lesson the first time; he’s doubled over, wincing in pain from that meteoric punch.

Paul: Phoenix takes advantage to go back to that chicken-wing submission—this time adding an extra tweak to DudeShep’s hand to make it hurt EVEN MORE.

Eric: …but before DudeShep can tap out…

Paul: A pissed off Apollo Justice storms the ring once more, steel lunchbox in hand—and wallops BOTH of them with it.

Paul: Both Phoenix and Commander Shepard are out COLD, lying motionless on the mat.

Eric: All that remains standing is a triumphant Apollo, grinning ear to ear, and dancing all over the ring!

Paul: …and there’s the bell! Jannetty is calling this one!

Paul: Ring announcer Gene Snitsky has the official word:

Paul: “The referee has ruled this match a double-disqualification!”

Eric: …that’s so DCW.

Paul: Uh-oh, Apollo doesn’t look happy about that…

Paul: CRACK to the skull of Jannetty! CRACK to the skull of Gene Snitsky!

Paul: Uh-oh, he’s coming for you, Eric!

Eric: What the hell! Tell your man to stand down, man!

Paul: Apollo Justice, you cut that out right–CRACK.

Paul: Down goes “Captain” Eric Regan.

Eric: You…will…..pa….

Paul: Well gamefans, this has been YET ANOTHER exciting edition of Digital Championship Wrestling! Tune in next month, when we might even have another one!

Paul: For the “Captain,” I’m Paul, saying…goodnight everybody!

Assuming you were there for the other three hours, the fourth hour of the GameCola 10th Anniversary Live Liveaversary Livecastacular is now officially here! Join Alex Jedraszczak, Kevin Leacock, Zack Huffman, and Jillian Dingwall, all of whom I promise are (or were) actual GameCola staff members, as they discuss the following topics listed for you below:

• Being a game racist
• Midget guide horses
• Jillian’s exciting tale of router procurement
• Our first games
• Hilarious joke question “What do we do outside of GameCola?”
• Snake/Otacon is GameCola’s new OTP

But, let me take one step back to emphasize a point: This hour has a girl on it. How often does that happen?! Actually, it’ll happen again in future hours, but we’ll get to that when the time comes. Until then, you can hear about it now!

GC Podcast #50D

It’s time for another hour of the GameCola Live 10th Anniversary Livecast 10-Hour Cast-tacular! This hour stars Alex Jedraszczak, Michael Gray, and special guest star GameCola superfan rizziman33. Jeddy largely takes a break, while Michael and Rizziman discuss such exciting topics as:

• The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

With all of these bullet points to hear about, I’m sure you all can’t wait to listen to this one! So, why are you?! It’s right here! Listen to it now!

GC Podcast #50C

The Xbox 360’s Kinect has been a huge disappointment in my opinion. By far, the most useful the unit has been is in impressing my friends by yelling “XBOX NEXT EPISODE” on Netflix or Hulu. The system’s entire library seems to rely on gimmicky hand and body controls with very little depth. In fact, the games all seem to be shallower than the size of the living room space required to play them. What I was hoping would be a “Wii 2.0” experience has turned into a hammy tribal dance offering to the television.

More importantly, I haven’t even been impressed with the technology itself. The lighting has to be perfect to recognize the player consistently. There is a definite delay in the movement. The camera also loses the player sometimes. So, in all, while it’s true that you are the controller—it turns out you’re a pretty shitty controller.

Press “X” to continue…this at my place.

That being said, I’m always looking to be pleasantly surprised by a good Kinect experience. If for no other reason than to prove to myself it was actually worth buying in the first place.

I haven’t really spent much time on the Xbox Marketplace. But I was recently given a few Microsoft points. While perusing the mixed bag that is the Xbox Marketplace, I stumbled onto a game that immediately got my attention.

Not this one, pervo.

I was drawn to a little FPS horror Kinect game called Haunt. And with a modest price point of 800 spooooky Microsoft Points, I couldn’t go wrong.

Or could I?

…No, I couldn’t, because Haunt is actually a pretty decent game. Here’s a trailer:

The game begins with your character lying on the dirty stone floor of a basement. After a brief tutorial, you’re set loose armed only with a flashlight. The first thing that really tickled my fancy about this game was its ambiance. The atmosphere is a great blend of horror and cartoony elements that look rich and detailed. The game is very reminiscent of Luigi’s Mansion. In fact, I would say that this game is the closest thing to a first-person Luigi’s Mansion you are ever going to get. So shut up.

The story revolves around a friendly ghost who appears in random paintings. He explains that he needs your help repairing a machine. Evil ghosts have stolen three key parts of the machine, and it’s up to you, the player, to heroically rummage through the mansion for shit.

The controls are both the greatest part of the game, and the worst. They truly polarize the experience to the point of both making and breaking the game simultaneously. The player uses either hand to control a flashlight. Moving your hand around moves the light beam on-screen. Besides a minor delay, the effect is fantastic. Moving the light to the edge of the screen turns the character in that direction. The same dynamics work for looking up and down. Having the flashlight’s beam as a cursor is genius and gives the game a feeling of depth that I was not expecting.

When the player encounters an object that can be interacted with, it sparkles. But unlike Edward from Twilight, these objects actually have a purpose. Aiming the light at the object will cause the beam to get more and more focused until the item is accessed. Then the controls change to a specific hand motion for you to perform. Encountering enemies can be “in your face” fun because they also require specific hand or body gestures to defeat them. These segments add a level of realism that feels fresh and new. Requiring players to move their bodies actually makes the exploration and battles more fun and enhances the sense of realism considerably. Could this be the Kinect game I was waiting for?

Not so fast, Team Jacob.

Let’s talk about walking. Ah, yes: the game’s Achilles heel. We all knew this was coming. What mode of transport did the developers conjure up for us to navigate this beautifully eerie mansion? Walking in place like an asshole, of course. The big problem is that, since the Kinect requires a full-sized gymnasium in order to function properly, the average living room is too small to allow for a comfortable stroll, even in place. I found myself constantly drifting out of the “zone,” causing the screen to freeze and recalibrate. The player has to be in the perfect area to perform a walk. Frustratingly, walking forward in real life actually impedes walking in the game, because it causes the player to be too close to the sensor.

I’m torn. On the one hand, the game’s hand gestures are nearly flawless and very intuitive. One the other hand, it is impossible to walk. I feel like Christopher Reeves: torn between being the all-powerful Superman and the weak and puny Clark Kent. (…What did you think I meant?)

I really can’t blame the developers, though. I certainly can’t think of another way to implement walking in the game. I am extremely thankful this game isn’t a rail shooter. I will take clumsy walking controls over no walking controls any day. Besides, after playing for a bit, I did get accustomed to the walking mechanics. So although it isn’t always pretty, it works.

Navigating the mansion’s corridors is entertaining. Aw shucks, guys, I’m not going to lie—it’s a lot of fun. There are surprises around just about every corner. The game allows a very close glimpse into the realm of stereotypical poltergeist activity. Suits of armor will try to attack you. Books and other haunted knickknacks will be thrown at you. Different ghosts require different hand motions to kill. However, the last thing I expected was to be actually scared by this game.

But then…it happened. (spoiler alert)

Here’s the play-by-play: I enter a room, feeling the full effect of the creepy atmosphere. The lighting is flawless; the music is eerie. There are candles and cobwebs, and all that other haunted shit. I see a bulletin board with scraps of paper and clippings on it. I always love examining these kinds of places in videogames up close, because they often give a great opportunity for Easter eggs. Amongst the scraps of generic art and scribble I see a real picture in the corner labeled “Employee of the Month.” I see that it’s a real person, most likely a developer. However, upon closer inspection, I see that is isn’t at all a developer. No.

It’s a fucking picture of ME!

The game took a fucking snapshot of me and put it into the game without my knowledge. I had to take a picture of my television.

Pictured: pure sex.

So the Kinect can do that. OK. I guess I already knew it could take pictures. I saw my picture in Kinect Adventures once after I beat a level or something. But this was different. I was creeping through a mansion, in the dark, and I found this. I took it as the game’s way of telling me that it was watching me. It reminds me of a stalker mailing candid pictures of the victim in random places doing random things. It was actually very cool.

One complaint I have about this game is the lack of useful items. Besides the flashlight and a vial that replenishes life, there are few items in the game for the player. Sure, there are keys, machine parts, and other event items that are used to progress through the mansion. But it would have been nice to see more useful treasures to upgrade to. For this reason, the game gets a bit repetitive. It also makes exploring a bit less exciting, even if the mansion is peppered with glorious pictures of me.

As the player “marches” through the rest of the game, there are more surprises, items, and enemies that require different motions. In all, the experience was enjoyable. For $10, I would say give the game a shot. At least download the demo.

Sitting down for a few online matches can be a fun way to relax after a hard day at work or school. But it’s hard to avoid getting even more frustrated when we have to share our games with idiotic players.

In this column, we’ll talk about some of the worst offenders and how they end up corrupting the hell out of our gaming experiences, and we kindly invite you to…well, don’t be that guy.

Like many other hobbies, videogames can be enjoyed and shared between different people. Friends and family can gather in front of a game and have a good time, whether they’re the ones holding the controllers or not.

Back in the day, if we wanted to play videogames with our friends, we had to meet up in someone’s house and take turns using one of the only two available controllers. Now, consoles not only have room for four simultaneous players—online gaming connects us to a wide array of people who want to play the same games as us.

However, the problem is that not everyone shares the same definition of “a good time,” so the experience of playing with or against people from around the world isn’t always what you’d expect it to be. I’ve classified the social behavior of gamers into three categories, and differentiated the good, the bad, and the worst of each one. Where do you stand? Let’s find out!

The Clan Gamers

“Time to shine, boy! Show us what you got!”

The Good:

If we’re talking about shooting games, Clan Gamers have the right of way; they specialize in the games they play. They coordinate their attacks, sharing info about enemy positions, opportunities, etc.  They also work together to achieve victories, sharing their progress with other people they have no problem calling “friends.”

The Bad:

There’s obviously something good about joining a group in order to have some serious competition, but it’s really annoying to see people trash-talking about their clan like it’s the best thing in the world, while others in forums are asking for clans to recruit them, or creating embarrassingly empty clans that are some of the saddest sights you’ll see online.

Also, most of the clans’ names are really stupid.

The Worst:

Oh, man! Having good competition is one thing, but some idiots have to be the very best, and apparently being part of a successful clan makes them superior to other human beings. They celebrate any kind of victory for their clan or clan members, because—apparently for these people—“if my clan wins, I win.”

Overall:

If you’re looking for competition, look no further. Clan Gamers are as competitive as hell. These guys are mostly devoted to a particular game or genre. They might stray from time to time, but if they’re really serious about their gaming skills, they won’t waste too much time trying to get better in every game, when they could keep training the game they’ve already mastered into awesome levels of badassery.

But solid competition comes at a high price, and wannabe pro-gamers will always distract you from seeing the good in having good friends watch your six.

The Social Gamer

“Friends are family we choose for ourselves…and sometimes we forget to set standards.”

The Good:

Humans are social creatures (or so I’m told), so it’s not uncommon for people to want to share their online experiences with friends. They’re either playing in order to have a nice competition, or just for fun; in any case, they’re mostly in it to have a good time.

The Bad:

These are the people randomly sending you friend requests at the end of a good game. In theory, there’s some good to this practice; if you had fun with this person, you’d probably like to repeat that experience once again. But in the end, these guys’ “friend lists” end up cluttered with people they don’t ever play with anymore.

The Worst:

What’s worse than having a nerve-racking person on your team? Having three or four of them, of course! They might talk the whole damn game about things you don’t really care about, or play music in the background, or do anything Mark Freedman has already covered.

They also tend to do some stupid shit while playing, like killing themselves, team-hogging everything on site, and, the worst: if one of them quits, they all do.

Enjoy fending off the whole enemy squadron by yourself!

Overall:

A high percentage of players belongs to this category. They’re a mostly younger audience (relatively speaking, anyone below their mid-twenties could be considered a “younger audience”), so it’s not difficult for them to find friends who are into gaming and schedule some play sessions every now and then.

The good thing about these guys is that they’re mostly having fun, they’re really into gaming, and they play accordingly until the game is over.

The Lone Wolf

On August 30th, 2552, Noble Six learned an important lesson.

The Good:

The lone wolf: a creature of myth and legend. These guys are well known for displaying outstanding skill on the battlefield, they’re mostly on the top of the scoreboard, and sometimes their presence has a serious influence over the match’s results.

Other proper lone wolves are not really that skillful, but they like to lend their expertise in other ways, like defending important positions, offering covering fire for their team, or guarding the back of their team; basically, they do anything no one else is taking good care of.

The Bad:

Well, they are the object of much whining, since their methods usually counter everyone else’s. Most of the time, they’re the ones holding the best weapons, or delivering the final blow on an already weakened and exposed enemy. “Did I steal your kill? I’m sorry, but I don’t really care.”

The Worst

The definitive worst—and most common—kind of lone wolves are the extremely lame players who somehow believe themselves to be more skilful than average, and that by itself obliges them to act like douchebags and do as they please, no matter if they’re slowing everyone’s more significant efforts. I truly want to know what “average” means to them, but of course, if they’re always hogging the most powerful weapons, I bet we all look like kids running aimlessly with slingshots all over the playfield.

Overall:

The pathetic and lame excuses of lone wolves are surely comprised of kids who don’t have any other friends to play with, since their hateful online behavior serves as a certain indicator of the way they behave in real life. Meanwhile, the rarest good portion of lone wolves are mostly the more mature audience who don’t have the time, or enough friends (still) playing videogames at their age, so they rely on playing with anyone they find over the ‘net.

This is what drives lone wolves into bitterness. They have to endure every single kind of obnoxious kid the system randomly throws into their team. The saddest of their kind will probably end up writing for some dubious website about their experiences playing with strangers online.

…

…

Wait a minute…!

But this? This is news. According to a logo on a screener box of LEGOs sent to a variety of reviewers, Traveller’s Tales is hard at work on LEGO The Lord of the Rings.

Frodo shows off the One Armband.

So what do we know about the game?

1. It’s based on The Lord of the Rings.
2. It has something to do with LEGOs.
3. The LEGO corporation insists that you capitalize the word “LEGO”; I’m sorry.

…That’s basically it! The full reveal isn’t rumored to happen until E3; until then, we’ll just have to make wild and inappropriate speculations about the game. Did you know that every pre-order of LEGO The Lord of the Rings comes with a real-life LEGO kit to let you build your very own One Ring? Did you know that they’re planning a day-one DLC crossover package with other LEGO properties, which lets you and your friends guide Frodo Baggins, Luke Skywalker, Harry Potter and Batman through the greatest adventure of all time?

Anyway, now that I’m unemployed again, I have a lot more free time to write for GameCola. So, um, welcome back to me?

The latest news in the land of videogame walkthroughs is that GameFAQs has no idea what to do with iPad games. In fact, you’ll notice that GameFAQs doesn’t even have a section for iPad games. To find a walkthrough for an iPad game, you have to search for it in the iPhone games section.

I’m inclined to treat iPhone games as totally different from iPad games. After all, the online Apple store sells the two separately from each other. But I can’t deny that whenever a game is available on both systems, the two versions are near-identical. The platforms are so similar that I can’t tell the difference between the two of them. One has a larger screen than the other, and that’s literally the only way I know how to tell them apart.

I recently wrote a guide for a PC game called Awakening: The Dreamless Kingdom, which was cloned onto the iPad and iPhone. When I submitted it to GameFAQs, I ran into a weird problem: they accepted it as a PC game and an iPhone game, but they refused to accept it as an iPad game. What? They think my guide works for all versions of the game, except the iPad version?

The same problem comes up whenever I write something for a game that’s available on the iPhone and the iPad. I have no idea why. Normally, GameFAQs has no problem with multi-platform games; for example, they accepted my guide for Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time on the GameCube, PlayStation 2 and Xbox versions of the game. But apparently, they think that if the same game appears on both the iPad and the iPhone, it does not count as a multi-platform title. Instead, it counts as two entirely separate games that happen to have the same name.

Two clearly unrelated systems, that are coincidentally made by the same company.

To summarize the mixed message that GameFAQs is sending here:

1. iPad and iPhone: so different that the same guide can’t apply to both systems.
2. iPad and iPhone: so similar that they get put in the same section of the website.

In the end, I submitted the walkthrough for the iPhone version of the game. GameFAQs accepted it. Then, I opened up the walkthrough and switched the word “iPhone” with “iPad”. I submitted this new text file as a walkthrough for the iPad version. GameFAQs accepted it. I got two walkthroughs for the price of one, with GameFAQs none the wiser. Thanks, GameFAQs!