This classic GameCola article was originally published in January 2008.

Hey, everyone! Last month, I mentioned that I had some adventures on Bird-Girl Island. Well, just for the heck of it, I decided to write a story about these adventures. It starts off as fun(ny), but then evolves into a mature piece with dramatic material like torture and burning people at the stake. I’m not sure why. Paul and Lizo were there, too. Anyway, hope you enjoy the story!

Michael and Paul’s Adventures on Bird-Girl Island

ACT ONE

In Which Michael and Paul Land on Bird-Girl Island

PAUL

How much longer do we have to do this?

MICHAEL

Not much longer, I think.

PAUL

You think? You think? We’ve been tramping across these stupid mountains for over half an hour now! If we don’t get there in five minutes, I say we turn around and go home.

MICHAEL

It has to be here! Don’t you think so?

PAUL

I don’t know what to think, Michael. If there is such a place, I don’t think these stupid birds can–

(Paul’s bird pecks Paul.)

Ow! The stupid bird bit me!

MICHAEL

Guess the bird isn’t so stupid after all.

PAUL

Well, even if the birds know something, the people reading this don’t. Tell them what’s going on, Michael.

MICHAEL

OK.

(To Audience)

O GameCola readers,
Hear this tale of Michael and Paul.
We are good gamers,
But we have left the world of gaming.
Not that we don’t like playing videogames,
The videogames that come out today are great,
Great big wastes of time.
For every forty-hour RPG that comes out,
Thirty-nine of those hours are spent on useless sidequests.
Paul and I are sick of it.

One day I met an old man.
The old man told me of a gamer’s paradise,
The land of the birds.
He said the games there are always fun,
And you don’t have to waste time with sidequests,
The graphics are always beautiful,
And the controls are easy to master.

He sold me these birds,
And so I got my friend Paul
To come with me, and follow these birds
In hopes of finding the gamer’s paradise.

PAUL

Why did you say all that in verse?

MICHAEL

It’s more poetic that way.

PAUL

I think it’s kind of stupid. I mean, we’re trying to find a magical paradise called the land of the birds? That’s stupid. I’m leaving.

MICHAEL

But Paul–!

(Paul starts to leave, when a deep voice from out of nowhere speaks.)

DEEP VOICE

Who dares disturb the land of the birds?

PAUL

What the heck is that?

MICHAEL

It must be the guardian of the land of the birds!

PAUL

But there’s no such place!

DEEP VOICE

Again, I ask, who dares disturb the land of the birds?

MICHAEL

It is the guardian of the land of the birds!

PAUL

And he sounds mad at us! What do we say?

MICHAEL

How should I know?

PAUL

Michael, if you get me killed by the guardian of the land of the birds, I’m going to kill you!

(A flash of light, and the Guardian of the Birds appears)

GUARDIAN OF THE BIRDS

I’ve asked you twice, already! WHO ARE YOU? HUMANS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO VISIT THE KINGDOM OF THE BIRDS!

MICHAEL

Humans? We’re not humans! We’re birds!

GUARDIAN OF THE BIRDS

You’re birds?

MICHAEL

Uh huh! I’m an African…um….

PAUL

Crapnose. African Crapnose.

GUARDIAN OF THE BIRDS
(Suspiciously)

I’ve never heard of the African Crapnose…

PAUL

It’s a member of the quail family.

GUARDIAN OF THE BIRDS

I see. And what about you?

MICHAEL

He’s a Crapple, better known by the Latin name Turdus Maximus.

GUARDIAN OF THE BIRDS

OK, so you’re birds. Very well. What do you want?

MICHAEL

We want to go to Bird-Girl Island!

GUARDIAN OF THE BIRDS

Very well, I will take you there.

PAUL

Could you wait for just a second?

(To Michael)

Michael, this is crazy. I don’t want to go to Bird-Girl Island!

MICHAEL

But Paul! I can’t go by myself! You have to come along!

PAUL

OK…I’ll go along on one condition: That everyone who reads this article gives it a 5, so it becomes the highest-rated article ever.

MICHAEL

Agreed! Let’s go!

SCENE TWO: In the middle of the air. The Guardian of the Birds is flying. In his left talon, he is carrying Paul, and in his right talon, he is carrying Michael.

PAUL

Michael?

MICHAEL

Yes?

PAUL

I’m tired of doing this article in play format. Formatting all of our dialogue is really tough on the good GameCola editors.

MICHAEL

OK, fine, you big wuss. I’ll switch to a third-person narrative.

“Happy now?” Michael asked.

“Sure am,” Paul replied. He looked up at the Guardian of the Birds. “How much longer until we get to Bird-Girl Island?”

The Guardian of the Birds chuckled at Paul’s question. “Look below you. You are already here.”

“Oh,” Paul said.

“If we’re here, what are we waiting for?” Michael asked. “Why don’t we land already?”

“I myself cannot set foot on the island, because it is against the law for any males to spend time on Bird-Girl Island,” the Guardian of the Birds said. “I shall have to drop you into the island’s lake, rather than risk touching the sacred island’s shore.”

“Against the law?” Paul asked. “What’s the penalty for breaking the law?”

“Death,” the Guardian of the Birds said, opening his talons and releasing Paul and Michael.“Farewell!”

“AAAAAA!” Paul screamed as he and Michael fell in a forty-foot free fall. Michael didn’t scream, because he’s writing this story, so he wants to look like a brave he-man.

SPLOOSH!

Michael and Paul both quickly surfaced. Paul looked concerned.

“Michael, this Bird-Girl Island thing is looking more and more like a bad idea,” Paul said. “You didn’t mention that our presence here is punishable by death.”

“I didn’t know about it,” Michael shrugged. “Don’t worry so much. All we have to do is make sure no one notices we’re guys, and we’ll be fine.”

“But this island is full of bird-girls,” Paul pointed out. “One of them is bound to realize we’re not bird-girls ourselves!”

“Oh, stop whining already, and let’s start enjoying this!” Michael said. “Besides, we’re already through with Act One!”

Paul grimaced to himself, and swam to the lake’s shore.

Act Two

In Which Michael and Paul Get Separated. Michael Has Some Romantic and Freaky Adventures, and Paul Learns the Terrible Secret of Bird-Girl Island.

Paul and Michael neared the shore, where they could see a group of four bird-girls waiting for them.

“Uh oh,” Paul said. “Those bird-girls look like they’re angry at us.”

But Michael hadn’t noticed how angry the bird-girls looked. He was focused on something else. “Check out the redhead on the left,” he said to Paul. “She is hot for a bird-girl.”

Paul rolled his eyes. “Knock it off, Michael. We didn’t come here to pick up chicks.”

“Chicks?” Michael grinned. “You know, it’s kinda funny to call them chicks, because they’re bird-girls.”

Paul groaned. “If you’re going to make jokes like that, I’m getting out of here.” He swam to the shore and pulled himself out of the water, followed closely by Michael.

“Who are you, strangers?” asked the tallest bird-girl. “Are you men, whose presence on this island is forbidden?”

“No, no!” Michael said quickly. “I’m Michelle, and this is Paula. We’re girls, and we’re here for the gamer’s paradise.”

The bird-girls smiled. “Fellow gamers, then?” asked the tallest bird-girl. “We keep all the games inside. Dry off, and Igrene here can show you everything.”

Michael smiled. Igrene was the pretty bird-girl he had noticed earlier.

SCENE TWO: Bird-Girl Island, Top Floor.

Michael leaned back in his sofa and put his NES64 controller down.

“I love these old-school videogames,” he said, “and I especially love how you guys have a ton of sequels I’ve never seen before. I mean, Donkey Kong 64 2 rocks!”

“Those sequels were made by our special team of programmers here on Bird-Girl Island,” Igrene said.

“I don’t care how you guys got them, they are awesome,” Michael asserted. “Bird-Girl Island is the bset! It has everything that you could ever want!”

“Not everything,” Igrene said, looking down at the ground sadly.

“?” Michael asked. “What don’t you have here?”

“Love,” Igrene said. “There are no men on the island, so there’s no one to love.”

“You could love me,” Michael said.

“You!” Igrene said, surprised. “You’re a strange girl who showed up not less than an hour ago, and you think I could just love you?”

“Couldn’t you?” Michael asked, his eyes sparkling like, um, sparkling cider. [Author's note: Give me a break; I'm not good at writing love scenes. You know, this whole thing is kind of stupid anyway. I'm going to end the scene here.]

SCENE THREE: Below the Island.

Paul, meanwhile, had gotten kind of bored.

“Unlike Michael, I actually have a girlfriend,” he said, “So I don’t need to waste time having pathetic fantasies about bird-girls.”

So Paul decided to take a break from playing his PS360, and he started exploring Bird-Girl Island. Since he was on the lowest level of the island, he decided to go down to the basement, where he came upon a mysteriously clean hallway and several doors marked “PROGRAMMING ROOM; DO NOT ENTER AND DISTURB THE PROGRAMMERS”.

Now, normally, Paul would never enter a door marked “DO NOT ENTER,” but he was curious about the hallway, and meeting the people who programmed all the wonderful games on Bird-Girl Island.

“I won’t disturb the programmers,” Paul said. “I’ll just thank them for their wonderful work on the videogames here, and leave immediately afterwards.”

So Paul opened one of the doors at random, and went inside. He immediately gasped.

Working at a computer, no, chained to a computer was an attractive girl. A human girl, Paul soon found out, as she was being beaten by a large bird-girl. The bird-girl shouted, “Foolish human! We told you to finish programming this game a year ago! Why have you not done so?”

The girl cried, in fear and pain. “I told you, I can’t–”

A heavy punch to the eye caused the poor programmer to lapse into silence.

“It’s been over two years, and you say you’re not even halfway through with the game,” the bird-girl said. “If you do not finish by next month, you will not live to work on another game.”

Then the bird-girl stood up. “No food for this one until she finishes her foolish game,” she announced loudly. “If she dies from starvation before then…that’s her tough luck.”

The bird-girl then turned and left the room. Paul quickly ducked out of the way, because he knew he couldn’t be caught.

He knew he had to help that poor programming girl somehow. He knew he had to save her.

Because he knew who that programmer was.

It was his girlfriend.

Lizo.

Act Three

In Which Michael and Paul Incur the Wrath of the Bird-Girls and Attempt to Escape Bird-Girl Island.

“Lizo!” Paul cried, running to his girlfriend’s side. “What–how did you–?”

Lizo slowly looked up into Paul’s face, and her eyes moistened.

“Not again,” she whispered. “Not another one.”

“What?” Paul asked.

Lizo pushed Paul aside. “Go away,” she said. “Go away! You’re not Paul! You’re another hallucination!”

Paul’s eyes moistened. “Lizo, I’m not a hallucination, I–”

“You’re not real! You can’t be–!”

Paul put his fingers over Lizo’s lips. “Lizo, I understand, you’re hurt. I saw that bird-girl hit you. Why did she do such a terrible thing?”

Lizo laughed. “You know just as well as I do, Mr. Paullucination. I haven’t finished programming testgame, and they—they don’t like it when games are programmed slowly.”

“We have to get you out of here,” Paul said. “We have to get you away from Bird-Girl Island. You and all the other programmers that they’re keeping hostage.”

Lizo didn’t say anything or move. She just stared off into space. If Paul didn’t know otherwise, he would have sworn she was dead.

After an eternity, her lower lip trembled.

“Paul…” she whispered. “It’s…it’s really you.”

Paul felt the tears well up in his eyes again. “Yes,” he choked. “Yes, it is.”

Then Lizo suddenly jumped at Paul and kissed him passionately, as tears streamed down both their faces.

SCENE TWO: The Old-School Room.

“Wow, this fanfic has become unexpectedly dramatic,” Michael said. “Who would have expected Paul and Lizo to have a more interesting plotline than me?”

Igrene was busy playing Banjo-Threeie. “What was that?” she asked.

“Nothing,” Michael said.

“I’m so glad you came here,” she said. “Before you came, I thought I’d never find a bird-girl who could be my Player Two.”

“Igrene, I’ve got a secret to tell you,” Michael sighed. “I’m not really a bird-girl.”

“You’re not?” Igrene gasped.

“I’m not a bird, and I’m not a girl,” Michael said. “I thought that would be kind of obvious, but you bird-girls apparently aren’t very smart.”

Igrene flared up. “You—you—LIAR! I—I—I’m going to tell the elders, and they’ll KILL YOU! No one tricks Igrene!”

With that, Igrene flew out the window.

“Oh, crap,” Michael said. “Now I’ve got a mad bird-girl who wants to kill me. I’d better find Paul and get us off this island quick!”

SCENE THREE: The Programmers’ Room.

Paul and Lizo broke apart. “I thought I’d never see you again,” she said.

“I didn’t know you were here,” Paul said honestly. “But now that I do, I’m going to help you escape.”

Lizo pointed helplessly at the chains that kept her tied to the computer. “How? The only person with the keys is the captain of the guards, and she never leaves her room except to beat us.”

Paul thought for a moment. “If only we had someone who was willing to provide a distraction for us…” he mused.

“Only an idiot would do that,” Lizo pointed out.

Suddenly, Michael burst into the room. “Paul, we’ve got to get out of here! That crazy bird-girl I met is out to kill me!”

Lizo and Paul looked at Michael. “He’s perfect!” they both cried.

“Who’s perfect?” Michael asked.

“You are,” Paul said. “Michael, we need you to provide a distraction for us.”

“A distraction?” Michael asked. “Paul, did you not hear me? The bird-girls know I’m a guy, and now they want to kill me. We have to leave now, or they’ll probably kill you, too!”

“I’m not leaving without Lizo,” Paul said. “I’d rather be dead than abandon her.”

“Oh, Paul,” Lizo said adoringly, leaning in to kiss Paul again because he was such a sweet guy.

Michael pretended to gag. “There’s no time to do any kissing scenes,” he said. “This story is almost over. I mean, there’s only three scenes left!”

“Shut up, Michael,” Paul said, as he and Lizo kissed again. “If I’m going to die, at least I’m going to die happy.”

SCENE FOUR: The Captain of the Guards’ Room.

Igrene burst into the room belonging to the Captain of the Guards. “We have a dangerous situation!” she cried.

“Did one of the prisoners escape?” the captain asked.

“Worse! Remember the two girls who came to visit our island today? It turns out that they’re…men.”

A hoarse squawk flew from the captain’s beak. “We must kill them at once! Where are they?”

“I don’t know,” Igrene said. “But we should—no, look!” she said suddenly, pointing out the window. “There’s one of them now!”

Outside the window, Michael was running around and dancing, shouting, “Yo! Bird-girls! Look at me! I’m not a girl! I’m a man!”

“Grab him quickly!” the Captain shouted, as she and Igrene flew out of the room at top speed.

The room was silent for a minute, then the door opened and Paul stepped inside.

“I hope Michael can keep them busy long enough,” Paul muttered to himself as he looked around for the captain’s keys.

SCENE FIVE: Cliffside.

As it turned out, Michael’s distraction did not work well. After two minutes, he was caught, and taken away to be burned at the stake.

“This could have turned out slightly better for me,” Michael said to himself, as the bird-girls crowded around him and set up wood for the fire.

“Man!” the Captain cried as she started the fire. “Men are always killing birds! Now it’s time for birds to kill men! Die, man, die!”

“Paul, if you’re going to save me, do it soon!” Michael cried loudly.

But Paul did not come. No one did.

Michael held his head high. If he was going to die, he was going to die with dignity. Under no circumstances would he start cowering like a spineless wretch.

Then he burst into tears. “Let me go! Let me go! Let me go!” he bawled. “I don’t wanna die!”

The bird-girls started hooting. “Die! Die!” they chanted.

“You can’t kill me!” Michael cried. “If you do, who’s going to finish writing the story?”

The bird-girls started chanting louder. “Die! Die! Die! Die!”

Michael raised his head to the sky. “I don’t want to die like this!” he screamed. By now, he was crying so hard that it looked like he was attempting to put the fire out with his tears.

“You won’t die!” a voice bellowed from on top of the cliff. “They will!”

Michael and the bird-girls looked at the person on top of the cliff. Standing there were Paul and Lizo, along with all the programmers they had freed.

“The prisoners have escaped!” the captain of the guards shrieked. “Get them!”

“Kill them!” a programmer cried. “Kill them all, and then we’ll escape this horrible place forever!”

The programmers surged forward, as the bird-girls took to the air and started diving at them. “Die! Die! Die! Die!” they began chanting again.

“Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!” the programmers chanted in return.

“Somebody save me or I’m going to be burned like a Pop-Tart!” Michael screamed as the flames crept higher and higher toward him.

Paul and Lizo ran to help Michael, but as the battle raged, it looked like they were too late…

A bird battle

FINAL SCENE: The rough, mountainous countryside again.

“You’re sure you’re not hurt?” Paul asked Lizo again.

Lizo laughed. “I told you ten times already, I’m fine,” she said. “Besides, what about you? That one bird-girl scraped your arm pretty badly.”

“I’ll be fine,” Paul said, helping Lizo up toward the top of the hill. “It’s only a few more hills, and we’ll be back home. Let’s rest here, OK?”

“Whatever you want,” Lizo said, sitting down next to Paul.

They were silent for a moment.

“This is where Michael took me to go to Bird-Girl Island,” Paul said in a strange voice.

Lizo looked downcast. “I didn’t know him that well,” she admitted.

“He was kind of a goon,” Paul said. “But he died trying to save us. I’m going to miss him.”

Lizo looked out at the scenery. “What did all this mean?” she asked.

“All this?” Paul asked.

“All this craziness that happened. A crowd of bird-girls lock up programmers to torture them into making a videogame paradise. We helped free the programmers, but instead of escaping, they stayed to fight on the island. Now the island’s blown up, and most of the bird-girls and programmers are dead. What does it mean?”

“I’m not sure,” Paul said. “Maybe the moral of the story is that people should get along with programmers instead of acting like animals and treating them like prisoners.”

“Maybe it’s that there can never be a videogame paradise,” Lizo suggested.

“Lizo,” Paul said. “I don’t care if I play the worst games in the world. As long as I’m playing with you, I’ll be in videogame paradise.”

“Paul, you’re such a sap,” Lizo said, cuffing him on the shoulder.

But she smiled anyway.

THE END.

Phoenix Grows a Beard

The Epic Adventure of Phoenix Wright’s Facial Hair
And His Attempt to Avoid Bachelorhood-for-Life

Brought to you by GameCola.

Things had started off well enough, mind you. They chatted for a bit about their lives and their jobs, but when Phoenix noted a minor contradiction in what the young woman said, he shouted “OBJECTION!”, purely out of habit.

Things went downhill from there.

Why is it that a goofball like Larry has no problem getting girlfriends, while I struggle to get a second date? Phoenix wondered. I mean, no offense to Larry, but I think I’d make a much better boyfriend than him!

All through that night, Phoenix kept comparing himself to Larry, trying to figure out why Larry was more popular with girls. Nothing made sense, though. Larry dressed like a slob, while Phoenix always wore a stylish suit. Larry couldn’t hold down a job, while Phoenix owned his own law firm. Larry had a bad habit of breaking things, while the only thing Phoenix ever broke was Manfred von Karma’s perfect win record.

Phoenix’s cell phone rang, interrupting his thoughts.

“Hey, Nick! How was the date?” a cheerful voice said.

“Hey, Maya,” Phoenix said. “It was horrible. She left to go to the bathroom after ten minutes, and she never came back.”

“Jeez, really?” Maya asked. “That’s the third date this month that you’ve screwed up, Nick!”

“Hey, I didn’t screw it up!” Phoenix said.

“Whatever, Old Man,” Maya said. “But like I said, you’re on your own from now on. I don’t know anyone else in LA that I can set you up with!”

“Thanks for the help anyway,” Phoenix said glumly. Man, he never thought he’d see the day where he was getting dating help from Maya. When did his life go so far downhill?

“Yeah, she was the last new girl to join the training dojo we have here,” Maya said. “Maybe Mystic–”

“Hey, do you think Larry is cuter than me?” Phoenix interrupted.

“What?” Maya asked. “Oh no, you are not trying to set me up with Larry. What kind of idiot do you think I am?”

“What? No!” Phoenix said. “I meant–”

“Both you guys are, like, ten years older than me,” Maya said. “That’s super gross, Nick.”

“Maya!” Phoenix said. “That’s not what I’m talking about! I just was wondering if you thought Larry is better-looking than me, because every other girl in town seems to think so!”

“Have you thought about moving to Chicago?” Maya asked. “Maybe there are some girls there who haven’t heard of you.”

“Very funny,” Phoenix said. “I gotta go now. Later.”

“Wait, don’t–”

Phoenix hung up on Maya and turned his phone off before she could call back. He kept on grumbling to himself about women, and by the time he got back to his apartment, he was exhausted even though it was still 8:00 PM.

Phoenix went to bed early. He couldn’t sleep, however; he was too worried. He just lay in bed, thinking deeply about things.

It took two hours for Phoenix to realize what it was that ladies saw in Larry.

It has to be the beard, Phoenix realized. Larry’s got a goatee, and I have no facial hair at all. There is nothing else that could possibly make him more attractive than me.

And that’s why Phoenix Wright decided to grow a beard.

“Hey, Nick!” Maya said. “Sorry I haven’t been–ACK!”

“Hey, Maya,” Phoenix said. “Long time no see. I guess you’ve been too busy–”

“Wha–what is that on your face?” Maya asked, pointing a shaky finger at Phoenix’s upper lip.

“This? It’s my mustache,” Phoenix said. “Do you like it?”

“That is not a mustache,” Maya said. “I’ve seen mustaches before, and they are not that horrifying.”

Phoenix rolled his eyes. He was pretty sure that Maya had never seen a mustache before, outside of a Super Mario videogame. “I don’t care if you don’t like it,” he said. “I’m going to grow it out. I think it’s cool.”

“We are going to lose the trial if the Judge sees you like that,” Maya said.

“The Judge happens to be a proud supporter of facial hair!” Phoenix said. “And besides, I need a new look. A mustache is the way to go.”

“Yeah, if you want to look like a drunken hobo!” Maya said.

Phoenix stroked his Mighty Stache of Awesomeness, which was a little scruffy. “You’ll see, Maya! This mustache is only going to help our chances in court!”

“This court finds the defendant GUILTY!” the Judge decreed.

“What?” Phoenix cried.

“No way!” Maya said.

Miles Edgeworth shook his head at Phoenix from across the courtroom. “Looks like you picked the wrong person to defend this time, Wright!”

“Next time, I get to screen the client,” Maya told Phoenix.

“Today is an off day for you,” Edgeworth continued. “You forgot to shave, and you forgot to bring a coherent argument!”

“OBJECTION! Lay off the stache!” Phoenix cried.

The Judge pounded his gavel three times. “You didn’t let me finish!” he said. “This court finds the defendant guilty…OF BEING INNOCENT!”

“WHA-WHA-WHAAAAA?” Phoenix cried.

Edgeworth slammed his fist down. “Your Honor! This is a courtroom, not a comedy club! There is no room for making jokes here!”

“My apologies,” the Judge said. “I just thought I’d try to lighten the mood a little bit.”

“So wait, which one is it?” Phoenix asked. “Innocent or guilty?”

“Oh, he’s definitely guilty of returning his library book late,” the Judge said. “Five-hundred dollar fine. Next case!”

“Too bad he didn’t throw the library book,” Phoenix said. “We’re probably not going to get paid for this case, now.”

“It’s all the fault of that stupid mustache!” Maya said. “The judge saw it, so he decided to rule against us!”

“The judge isn’t that fickle,” Phoenix said. “And besides, I grew this mustache to help attract women, not elderly men!”

“No woman would ever be attracted to a man with a caterpillar on his lip!” Maya insisted. “I’m a woman, so I would know!”

“Oh, yeah?” Phoenix said. “If you’re an adult, why do you still watch kids shows all the time?”

“The writing on those shows is much better than primetime TV!” Maya said. “And besides, we know the actors in half those shows! I’m just supporting our friends!”

“Oh, sure, that’s exactly–” Phoenix said.

“Excuse me, Mr. Wright,” a soft voice said.

Phoenix looked up to see a blonde bombshell dressed in a blue uniform. She would have looked very professional, except that the top few buttons of her shirt were unbuttoned.

“I’m so sorry to interrupt,” she said. “But I just have to speak with you.”

“You do?” Phoenix asked.

“I’m Lila Lovely,” she said. “I’m one of the bailiffs here.”

“I…I see,” Phoenix gulped. He never knew it was possible for someone to look so attractive in a bailiff’s uniform. “What can I do for you, Miss Lovely?”

The Lovely woman got closer to Phoenix, almost too close. He wasn’t used to women invading his personal space like that.

Maya coughed, which sounded suspiciously like, “Sleaze!”

“Oh, I think there’s a lot you can do for me,” she said in a husky voice.

This is a dream, right? Or a practical joke? Phoenix wondered. Because there’s no way this is really happening.

The woman wrapped her leg around Phoenix’s and ran a finger across his mustache. “I was wondering if you want to go out to dinner after my shift ends at six tonight? The three of us could go together.”

Maya fainted from shock.

“Of course!” Phoenix said. “I’d love to–wait, the three of us?”

“Just you, me, and the mustache.” Miss Lovely said.

“I’ll bring my hairy lips if you bring your non-hairy lips,” Phoenix said. It wasn’t exactly the smoothest line ever, but it was the best thing Phoenix could think up on the spot.

“My lips belong only to you,” she said. And as if she wanted to prove it, Lila brought her mouth up to Phoenix’s and–

“AHEM!” someone said loudly.

Phoenix turned his head around to see an angry Miles Edgeworth staring daggers at him.

“Do you think you could save your romantic rendezvous for when you’re not in public?” Edgeworth demanded.

“Uh, sorry!” Phoenix said, peeling Lila’s body off of his. “I didn’t mean to–”

“It’s OK,” Lila said. “Sometimes when I’m around handsome men, I just can’t help myself.”

“This is highly irregular behavior for a bailiff!” Edgeworth said.

“Here’s my phone number,” Lila said, pulling out a piece of paper from her pocket and handing it to Phoenix. “Keep it…safe.”

“I’ll keep it close to my heart,” Phoenix said.

Edgeworth clutched his chest, as if Phoenix’s corny line actually caused him physical pain.

“Oh, and the Judge wants to see you in his chambers,” she said. “He’s not the only one, though…”

Phoenix grinned, and Edgeworth frowned. “Are you quite finished?” he demanded.

“I guess Mr. Grumpy wants me to go,” Lila said. “See you tonight at six…”

“See you!” Phoenix said, waving as she left.

“I cannot believe how unprofessional you are acting today!” Edgeworth said.

“Ha!” Phoenix said. “I just got a date tonight!”

“Your assistant is unconscious,” Edgeworth noted.

“You’re just jealous because you haven’t had a date in over a year!” Phoenix said.

“Who told you?” Edgeworth demanded. “Um, I mean, nice try, Wright! But you have no proof to back up your statement!”

Phoenix raised an eyebrow at Edgeworth.

“My last six dates were all either murdered or accused of murder,” Edgeworth said. “Two of them were found guilty. …It’s sort of ruined my chances on the dating scene.”

“Wow, trouble really follows you around, doesn’t it?” Phoenix said. “Maybe you should try growing a mustache.”

“Everywhere I go, it seems like someone gets killed,” Edgeworth agreed. “And I think you should shave that mustache!”

“Not when it just got me a killer date!” Phoenix said. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the Judge’s chambers!”

“Nick, I had the craziest dream,” she said. “I thought that a girl asked you out on a date, because she liked your mustache!”

“That’s not true,” Phoenix said.

“Phew!” Maya sighed. “Because I knew that your mus–”

“Three girls asked me out, because they like my mustache!” Phoenix said.

“Wha-wha-wha-whaaaat?” Maya cried.

“It’s true,” Phoenix said. “I got lost on the way to the Judge’s chambers, and I ended up meeting this beautiful lady judge who asked me out. Man, I wouldn’t mind being the attorney for one of her trials! And when I asked a security guard for directions, she asked me out, too!”

“You–you have GOT to be kidding!” Maya said. “There is no way that three women would think an ugly guy like you is attractive!”

“Thanks for the ego boost,” Phoenix grumbled. “And I’m telling you, it’s the stache! Ladies love the stache!”

“It’s more likely that all the women in the courtroom are having a competition to see who can get the worst date,” Maya said.

“Jeez, why do you hate my mustache so much?” Phoenix asked.

“It’s ugly and stupid!” Maya said.

The two of them argued for a little while, until Maya remembered that Phoenix just visited the normally off-limits Judge’s chambers.

“So what did the Judge say, anyway?” Maya asked.

“He thinks I should try growing a stache and beard combo, like he has,” Phoenix shrugged. “It’s not that big of a–”

Not looking where he was going, Phoenix accidentally bumped into a short young woman.

“Ooomph!” she cried. Her possessions went flying everywhere.

“Oh gosh, I’m sorry!” Phoenix said. He squatted down and started grabbing things. “Let me help you pick those up!”

“You big buffoon!” the woman said. “Why don’t you look where you’re going?”

“Hey, I said I was sorry,” Phoenix said, looking up at the woman. “If you don’t–”

“Oh!” she said, looking at Phoenix’s mustache. She brought a hand to her mouth. “Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to snap at you! Let me make it up to you, by taking you to lunch!”

“He’s with me!” Maya said, grabbing Phoenix’s arm.

“No, I’m not!” Phoenix said. He pulled out a business card and gave it to the woman. “Call me!” he said, as Maya dragged him away.

“Jeez, Maya, what’s your problem?” he asked.

“Problem? I don’t want some trampy brownette trying to get her claws into my business partner!”

“Did you just say ‘brownette’?” Phoenix asked.

“Yeah, it means woman with brown hair!” Maya said. “Like a brunette, only brown!”

“I think you just made that up,” Phoenix said.

“I read it in a book somewhere!” Maya said.

“You can read?” Phoenix asked.

“You’re a jerk, Nick!” Maya said. “And you need to shave!”

Phoenix did not shave. Instead, he took the Judge’s advice, and he grew out his beard. Soon, Phoenix’s beard and mustache combo was attracting all sorts of attention.

Phoenix was loving it. Normally, whenever anyone looked at him, all they saw was his spiky hair. Now, all people saw was his awesome facial hair.

Long gone were the days when Phoenix had to practically beg girls for dates. Now, he had a date every night of the week. Sometimes, even two dates per day! Phoenix knew that he should stop being a playboy and try to settle down with one of his new female acquaintances—several of them were good enough to merit multiple dates—but Phoenix was too overwhelmed by the knowledge that actual women liked him!

“Another trial won!” Phoenix said happily, as he and Maya left the courtroom. “Once again, the beard saves the day!”

“I’ve told you a million times, the beard is not helping us win trials!” Maya said angrily.

“But it is,” Phoenix said. “The Judge and I have a beard connection going on, and that’s definitely helping. Haven’t you noticed that he doesn’t give me penalties anymore?”

“I did notice that,” Maya muttered. “But it’s just a coincidence!”

“Coincidence, nothing!” Phoenix said. “This beard is the greatest thing that ever happened to me!”

“I should shave it off in your sleep,” Maya said.

“Ah, come on, Maya!” Phoenix said. He gave a wink toward Lila Lovely the bailiff as they continued walking. “Why can’t you be happy for me? I’ve had more dates in the past month than I’ve had in the past five years!”

“I…it just bothers me, that’s all,” Maya said. “Everyone’s treating you different now. I liked it better before cheap girls started throwing themselves at you.”

Phoenix stroked his beard thoughtfully. “Actually, I was thinking of shaving…once I got a steady girlfriend, that is,” he said.

“Then get a girlfriend, quick!” Maya said. “I want the old Nick back!”

“Jeez, I haven’t changed that much,” Phoenix said. “…Have I?”

“Phoenix Wright!” a loud voice snapped.

“Franziska von Karma,” Phoenix said, turning around to face the Prodigy Prosecutor. “Tough luck in the courtroom, huh? Looks like I beat you again!”

“I don’t care about that, you fool!” Franziska said, snapping her whip on the ground. “I just want to know one thing!”

Phoenix gulped. An angry woman with a whip is a dangerous thing. “Y…yes?” he asked.

“When did you get so…handsome?” Franziska asked delicately. She reached out her hand and stroked his beard. “You are a sexy, sexy beast, Phoenix Wright, and I want you to be my boyfriend.”

The scream that came from Phoenix’s mouth could be heard from six-hundred feet away.

“MUST! SHAVE! NOW!” Phoenix shouted, running for the nearest exit.

Franziska put her hands on her hips. “I don’t believe it!” she said.

“It worked!” Maya said. She pulled some money out of her pocket, then gave it to Franziska. “Here’s your twenty bucks. Thanks for helping me out with that.”

“You’re welcome, Maya Fey,” Franziska said. “Although I must admit, he does look somewhat less foolish with that beard.”

“I don’t care,” Maya said. “I can’t stand that stupid thing.”

“Sometimes, it’s good to be dateless,” Phoenix said. “I don’t know why I ever felt jealous of Larry.”

The End

(To catch up with the story and read previous editions of “Quantum Geek,” click here.)

A month had passed since Rick had successfully retrieved Tom and Alli’s consciousnesses from I.D.E.A.S., and life was beginning to assume a normal routine again.

At first, Tom and Alli could barely move. While Rick had done all he could to help keep their bodies from atrophying while in the machine, it was still no substitute for actual activity. Over the next couple of weeks, Alli and Tom slowly recovered, while Alli proceeded to drive Tom crazy by repeating the line “wiggle your big toe” over and over again. Rick, on the other hand, succumbed almost immediately to fatigue, having had practically no sleep over the previous weeks. Whereas before it had not been uncommon for Rick to be working on I.D.E.A.S. for over 20 hours straight, his schedule was now reversed, and he woke only when Alli or Tom needed his assistance with something.

Once he had convalesced, Tom returned to his home and job, which Rick, in a shining moment of forethought and self-sacrifice, had managed to save. Tom’s boss was an old friend, and Rick had placed a call to him, explaining that Tom had a “family emergency” that he needed to attend to and would require the use of his large cache of vacation days. Rick then placed a call to Tom’s landlord, gave him the same explanation, then proceeded to mail him a check for Tom’s rent. For Tom, it was odd settling back into his old life, the humdrum daily routine that did not constantly involve inhabiting new bodies or having his life threatened. Still, he found himself enjoying the peace.

Alli had not fared quite as well, unfortunately, since Rick didn’t know where she lived or worked. As such, Alli had been fired from her job and evicted from her apartment, so she was staying with Rick while she got back on her feet. In between looking for jobs, Alli had been helping Rick clean up and put his house back into working order.

After Rick had caught up on his sleep, he went back to work on I.D.E.A.S. and began to clean up the mess that had been made. He also started to converse with the Source more, learning what he could from it while it learned what it could from him. Tom, Alli, and Rick were pleased to find that a portion of Emmi still resided in the Source; but she now existed as a part of the greater whole, and she had retained none of the individual traits that had made her the Emmi the group had known, a fact which made the organic trio mourn their digital companion. The Enemy seemed to have disappeared completely, having deleted itself for reasons unknown, although Tom had a few guesses. In its place, other intelligences seemed to be developing within the system, some coming from the architecture of the system and others rising from the programming of the games. They acted like children with the mental faculties of adults, able to comprehend and reason extremely well, but completely innocent in their approach to the world and ecstatic with each new discovery.

Rick had decided to keep I.D.E.A.S. disconnected from the outside world, and had taken the additional step of dismantling and removing any equipment that might allow remote access to I.D.E.A.S. This way, the artificial intelligences developing in the machine could grow without becoming a threat to the outside world; and there was no chance that another human could gain access to the system and copy it, misuse it, or fall victim to it should another incident occur. Alli’s ex-boyfriend, who had experienced firsthand the dangers of such tampering, remained in a vegetative state at a nearby hospital due to his intrusion, and despite Rick’s best efforts to locate him within the machine, it seemed like he would remain there indefinitely.

“Tom!” beamed Rick as he opened the door. “Long time no see!”

“Not really,” replied Tom, “but considering how long we spent in the same room, I can see how you’d say that.”

“Good point. Anyway, come on in, I’ll grab you a beer.”

Alli was on the couch, drinking a beer and playing Jet Grind Radio. “’Sup, nerd,” she said, keeping her eyes focused on the television.

“Hi Alli,” Tom said dryly. “Congenial as ever, I see. Sort of surprised to see that you’ve gone back to playing videogames so soon.”

“Being unemployed leaves you with a lot of free time. That, and I’m not a pansy like you.”

“I should have left you in that machine.”

“Psh, like you would have made it out without me.”

Rick returned, beer in hand. “Here you go, buddy.”

“Thanks. How’re things?”

“Good, I think. I’m really glad you and Alli are better; and I’m awake, so that’s a good sign. I’ve been working on I.D.E.A.S., although for now, I think it’s best to keep it offline.”

“Wouldn’t it be safer just to shut it down?”

“Oh, infinitely so. But I don’t think it would be the right thing to do. It’d be like murdering everything in that machine. The way I see it, they have just as much of a right to exist as we do.”

“Fair enough,” Tom said, taking a sip of his beer. “But if this is the beginning of the end of humanity, don’t say I didn’t warn you. Then again, if I.D.E.A.S. turns into something more, it could be the beginning of something incredible.”

“I know. When I try to think of the possibilities, I get a headache. I can barely grasp it.”

Tom turned to look at the TV screen. Alli had been trying for the last minute or so to make a rather difficult jump, and it was beginning to annoy him that it was taking so long.

“Do you want me to do that?”

“No.”

“Because it looks like you can’t.”

“I’ll get it, jackass.” Another futile minute went by, and finally Alli threw the controller at Tom in frustration. “Fine, you do it!”

Tom picked up the controller and, as he looked at it, felt the entirety of his experiences in I.D.E.A.S. come rushing back to him. The victories, the near defeats, the friends made and lost, and now, the new possibilities that now faced them all. Tom thought about all these things, then tucked them away and turned to the task at hand.

“All right, let me show you how it’s done…”

Choose your own adventure in this RPG-esque epic that lets the readers impact the story.

When last we saw our fearless heroes, they’d landed in Render’s home city of Trelenodora. While Clyde and Jonathan split off to hit the market and get some supplies, Render led the others off on a quest for revenge against his old mentor, Captain Rothbury. They broke into the captain’s home, only to interrupt tea time with Render’s own father, Thomas Render V! Undeterred by this turn of events, Render VI raised his sword. It’s killing time!

Enrique: Why are you standing around here? You came to kill! It’s time to get blood on your hands! You’ve always wanted to be a killer; now’s your chance!
Rothbury: Think you have what it takes to defeat me, boy? We’ve raised our standards at the school since you dropped out.
Render: I can beat you any day, old man! Bring it on!
Rivers: Ho-
Thomas Render V: I swear, if you say “ho snap” one more time…
Thomas Render V: And son, if you follow through with this foolish plan, I will have no choice but to ground you. Your mother will be most unhappy, and don’t get me started on how the kids will react.

Render: Enrique! Keep my father out of the way while I kill Rothbury!
Enrique: But you said I could help kill people!
Render: I’ll leave all the city guards to you when we make our daring escape!
Enrique: Deal!
Rothbury: Give it your best try then, Boyo!

Render lunged, brash in battle as he was in speech. Rothbury countered his attack with a quick parry, blocking and throwing Render’s sword to the side. He laughed, and Render realized that the old sea dog was toying with him. Rage rekindled, Render lunged again, starting his attack with renewed vigor.

The two danced about the garden, stepping over potted plants and pivoting to avoid the priceless statues placed in picturesque nooks. Rothbury was in his element, deflecting all of Render’s blows and laughing all the while. Render got some satisfaction in seeing that Thomas Render V was perfectly apoplectic beside the surreally calm Enrique.

Meanwhile, Rivers seemed to have taken the tea party under his hand. He was serving Mrs. Rothbury another slice of carrot cake when the fusion-mage accidentally knocked a crystal decanter to the ground, shattering the expensive item. And then, Render saw his chance: as Rothbury flinched and cast a quick glance back at the tea party, Render struck. There was a tearing of fabric, a metallic glint under Rothbury’s torn clothes, and a familiar voice cried out in surprise.

????: STOP!!
Render: Wait a minute, I know that voice!
Enrique: Oh dear god, I know that voice. That can’t be who I think it is…!
????: It is I, Spoonlad!!

A slightly oversized and anthropomorphic spoon leapt from the ruins of Rothbury’s breast pocket, easily alighting on the tea table. Although he’d tarnished slightly and there were a few new nicks in his polished exterior, there could be no doubt that it was, in fact, Spoonlad, the fearless fanboy who’d been left behind all those episodes ago…

FLASHBACK.

Before Fuzz McCoppo had a chance to react (or to enact the great plan he was preparing), the halfling Streebless dove right at his face, clawing, biting, scratching. Fuzz was hit with such great momentum that the two went flying straight out the door and tumbling down Mt. Rockslide.

Meanwhile, Streebmore made a similar move on Enrique, and Enrique almost met the same fate as his new police officer friend.

Almost.

For, you see, for all this time…something…

…was hiding in Enrique’s pants.

Enrique: uhhhhhh?!?!?

Or, should I say…someone…

And that someone had just made his presence known.

Spoonlad: Oh, my sexy hero Enrique! I won’t let him get you! Not after all we’ve been through together! Not after all the times you’ve saved this world’s many lands from destruction! This time someone’s going to save you, and that someone is ME!

And so the animated spoon dove straight out of Enrique’s pants, just in time to meet Streebmore in mid-air, blocking the halfling from latching onto the sexy hero’s face.

Streebmore and Spoonlad both fell to the ground in a heap, and slapped each other into unconsciousness.

After the mandatory flashback forced everyone to look up with vaguely far-off expressions, it took Render a moment to regain his focus. When he did, he saw that Spoonlad had leapt off the table and was poised mid-air with arms wide open, tears in his eyes and a shower of sparkles around him. He was heading toward Enrique, who had gone unnaturally pale.

Spoonlad: Sexy swordsman Enrique, now that we are reunited, I can once more take my rightful place within your pants!
Enrique: Augh! Stay away from me, you spoony…spoon! We left you to die! I thought you’d finally made your last appearance in this story!
Spoonlad: Ah, my beloved Enrique, my burning desire for you was greater than the pull of death! But when I regained consciousness and found you gone, I was at a loss! My love gone, my life had no meaning, and so I set off to find you!
Render: But how did you fall in with Rothbury?

Spoonlad’s voice sped up, as though he were trying to get the words out quickly so that he could get back into his lover’s embrace.

Spoonlad: While on a soul-searching voyage, Rothbury’s crew attacked our ship. I was a hostage, and feared for my life.  Although I knew that I faced certain death, I told Rothbury that my love for you was pure, and that one way or another I would find a way to return to you! I think my story moved him, for he took me on as one of the crew, and I eventually worked my way up to his apprentice!
Render: And you thought that Rothbury would help you get to us? Hah! Fat chance!
Spoonlad: Perish the thought! When I met Rothbury, I saw my chance: I could start a new life! I could become the captain of my own ship of pirates, and take the seas by storm! And, if we happened upon you fellows, I would take you for my prisoners, and then Enrique would finally be mine once more, one way or another!
Enrique: That was a terrible mistake, and is never going to happen, ever again.
Spoonlad: But we had such good times when you didn’t realize I was in your pants! Imagine how much better it will be when you *do* know!
Enrique: Rivers! Can you please fuse him into something that I can throw into the depths of the sea? Something heavy that will sink and never resurface??
Rivers: He’s already metallic. You could probably just throw him in as-is and he’d sink.
Spoonlad: Such cruel words, my love! But I know that my determination will help you see that my love for you is pure and true!

Render watched as Enrique struggled to get away from Spoonlad’s embrace. The swordsman soared over the tea table, rushing toward the far side of the garden. It was then that Render made his startling discovery.

Render: Crap! While you two had your lovely-dovey reminiscences and extensive flashback, Rothbury escaped!
Rivers: And the tea ran out!
Render: And the tea ran out! Quickly, we must go after him, before this plot can take any more dramatic twists!

MEANWHILE.

Jonathan and Clyde spent the morning gathering the necessary supplies, and came back with several heavy boxes and a regrettably lighter purse. As the two stowed the crates below, Jonathan was troubled at how little they’d been able to get, and how few coins remained. No matter how he turned the numbers in his head, they were dangerously close to bankrupt, and he knew that Render wouldn’t listen to reason. So, as they worked, Jonathan talked to Clyde about how they could earn some extra coin to keep the adventuring fund full.

Jonathan: That’s everything we need, I think. Or at least everything we can afford to buy at this point.
Clyde: I keep telling ye, lad, if ye lent me a bit a’ gold, I could turn a pretty profit by whipping up a few gadgets to sell.
Jonathan: Unless you already have some amazing inventions you invented with your own supplies, I think you’re out of luck.
Clyde: Hear me out, lad. You said yourself we’re strapped for a bit a’ cash, and settin’ up a shop might be just the way to raise a few funds. And what better place to set up a shop than here in the renowned market city of Trelenodora?
Jonathan: Well, there is the fact that it’s a city run by pirates.
Clyde: I don’t see how working for pirate merchant lords is any different than workin’ under your captain, if you don’t mind me sayin’ so.
Jonathan: Touché.
Clyde: Also, working in the city might mean we’re less likely to get fused with inanimate objects by that daft sorcerer. And it don’t have to be forever. It could be a money-making holiday.
Jonathan: Well, we do need money…but I don’t know anything about keeping a shop. I’m in the transport trade.
Clyde: There ye have it, then! Ye can act as delivery boy for my merchandise. Deliver it to my best and highest-payin’ customers.
Jonathan: Or I could deliver your customers. A taxi service might be just what we need.
Clyde: That’s another alternative, aye. But what would the cap’n say to you ferrying people about in his ship?
Jonathan: He’ll just have to deal with it. We’re dipping into the emergency funds as it is, and even Render understands that we need money to keep adventuring, especially since we always end up with more trouble than treasure.
Clyde: I’m a new and valuable asset to th’ team! Anyway, if you don’t give ‘im the chance t’ argue, I’m sure he’ll come round to seein’ it your way. Eventually.
Jonathan: It’s decided, then. I’ll send a note to his estate and suggest he vacation with his family while we earn some money. A month should do it.
Clyde: I’m off t’ see about sellin’ some pieces in one of those shops, then. Back in a bit.

Having reached a decision, Clyde headed for the market while Jonathan sat down to pen a letter to Render. He wondered how best to say “I’ve taken it upon myself to actually do some honest work for a change and get some money to support this dysfunctional crew” without actually having to say it like that. He was blotting the paper dry when Clyde came into the room, a slightly bedraggled man behind him.

Clyde: I’m so good, not only did I land a sweet bargain with one o’ the merchants, I found our first fare!
Rothbury: Greetings, sir. I’m in need of a ship that can get out of here, fast, and your friend assures me that you’re rather good at this sort of thing.
Jonathan: Fast getaways are a specialty of mine. Welcome aboard, Mr…?
Rothbury: Rothbu—rg. Mr. Rothburg, and I’ll pay you double fare if we can be off within five minutes.
Jonathan: Done and done! Welcome aboard, sir!

And so ends this month’s edition of “The Gates of Life.” Will Render figure out what became of his old mentor? Will Spoonlad be able to reclaim his lost love? Will Rivers finally find some more tea?! It’s up to you to choose by commenting below!

Which Gate Do You Choose?

Righteous Indignation

Render: MY SHIP! THEY’VE TAKEN MY SHIP!
Rivers: Jonathan made a few valid points in his letter, Render…
Render: I’LL HAVE HIM WALK THE PLANK! I’LL HAVE CLYDE INVENT A PLANK OF NEW AND ABHORRENT MEASURES AND I’LL MAKE THEM BOTH WALK IT!
Enrique: They’re the only ones who really know how to work the airship, though.
Render: *sigh* At the very least, they’ll get a strong talking to and I’ll dock their pay.
Rivers and Enrique: They’re getting paid??

Indentured Family Service

Thomas Render V: Well, son, it seems you’ll be staying for a while. You mother will be thrilled. She’s kept your bedroom just the way you left it. I’ll see to getting you a job in the family business and setting you up with an allowance.
Render: But I don’t want to-
Thomas Render V: Then we’re going to sit down and have a serious discussion about your obligations to the family and how you’re going to make your mother proud and marry a nice girl of our choosing. I know for a fact that the Mortisses’s daughter Mildred is still available.
Render: Rivers! Enrique! New plan! Forget revenge, we’ve got to escape my parents!

My Way or the Skyway.

Rothbury: You seem to have a good solid head on your shoulders, my boy, and I could use someone of your skills. Tell me, have you ever considered taking up piracy for a living?
Jonathan: You have no idea…
Clyde: I’m starting to have some doubts about this passenger of ours…

You Spoony Lad!

Spoonlad: My life was going so well! I had a new purpose, new friends, and a new goal in life! Why did you have to come back into my life, Enrique-kun?!?
Enrique: I will be happy to leave it again, the sooner the better.
Spoonlad: No, don’t you see? It was destiny that brought us back together! At first I thought I would have to choose between you and my new life, but now I see that my new life was in fact a way to get closer to you! It’s Destiny, I tell you! Destiny!
Rivers: Short of dumping him in the bottom of a disused cutlery drawer, Enrique, I don’t think you’ll get rid of him that easily.

Vote for your favorite Gate by posting in the comments!

Just like the last episode, this new TGoL will be both written and illustrated by GameCola’s Kate Jay, continuing the path that was set out in the first part of TGoL: Season Two. When we last left our heroes, Render had just arrived at his parents’ home in Trelenodora, discovering that his father was having tea and biscuits with Render’s former mentor, and now potential arch-nemesis, Captain Rothbury. You voted for Render to throw down his gloves and put ‘em up, and that’s EXACTLY what he’s going to do. It may be a bloodbath.

To re-familiarize yourself with the story, check out the Season Two archives here. Or, if you’re feeling lazy, check out these episode-by-episode recaps:

Episode 1: Prologue - Captain Thomas “7-Eye” Render VI of Trelenodora had a revelation: He was tired of the aimless wandering he, Rivers Fusion, and Grand Master Barbarian Mage Enrique had been doing for the past several years. He wanted his life to have a purpose. He wanted a goal to strive for. Then he and the other two heroes were attacked by pirates. Enrique dispatched the pirates quickly, and Render had a second revelation: He knew what he wanted to do with his life…

Episode 2: Bad is Better -Render, Enrique, and Rivers set off for Helpless Gnomes’ Island, to try to sate Render’s newfound life’s goal: death and destruction. [Thanks, readers!] Rivers was uneasy about this plan, so he stayed behind on the ship with Jonathan the Minotaur, another member of the crew. Meanwhile, Render and Enrique disembarked and sought out innocent gnomes to slaughter. Only things didn’t work out as they’d hoped, as the gnomes weren’t as innocent as advertised.

In fact, IT WAS A TRAP! The gnomes themselves had named the island “Helpless Gnomes’ Island” specifically to lure in and capture the sort of person who’d seek to slaughter their innocent brethren. Render and Enrique were caught, and it was up to Rivers and Jonathan to save the day…

Episode 3: Why Rivers Isn’t the Captain - Render and Enrique had been captured by the not-so-helpless gnomes of Helpless Gnomes’ Island. Rivers tried to save his companions by using his fusion powers on the gnomes, but all he succeeded in doing was merging the gnomes with the forest itself and creating a crazed pack of half-tree/half-gnome monsters.

Thankfully, an accidental (?) explosion caused by yet another gnome killed all the tree-gnomes in a grisly fire.

Our heroes had no recourse but to board their ship and leave the island. They’d come there to sate Render’s bloodlust, but, unfortunately, there wasn’t much left there for him to kill. They set sail, but not before a wrench-toting gadget-monger stowaway had climbed aboard their ship…

Episode 4: Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick, BOOM! - Our heroes had just set sail from Helpless Gnomes’ Island in search of more life for Render to snuff out. There was a stowaway on their ship—they very same wrench-toting gadget-monger gnome they’d met previously on the island under unpleasant circumstances.

The gnome, Clyde, held a grudge against our heroes due to the above-mentioned circumstances, so he put his skills to use and blew a large hole in our heroes’ ship. Our heroes dove overboard, defeated a nearby gang of hostile singing seabears, and swam back to Helpless Gnomes’ Island to figure out what to do next. Clyde arrived shortly thereafter, and our heroes quickly deduced that he was the one who blew up their ship…

Episode 5: Build-a-Ship - Render, Rivers, Enrique, and Jonathan were stranded on Helpless Gnomes’ Island after the destruction of their ship at the hands of Clyde, the wrench-toting gadget-monger gnome. Unfortunately for Clyde, he was stranded there with them. Fortunately for Clyde, Render agreed not to kill him on the spot if Clyde would build him a new ship, one that was much bigger and much cooler than the one that was destroyed.

Render spent much of the night fretting about his life’s goal, and wondering about whether his quest to kill as many people as possible was giving his life the meaning he was searching for. By the following morning, Clyde had finished construction on a brand-new airship for our heroes. This was a delightful surprise. Render continued to not kill Clyde, instead recruiting him for the heroes’ next big adventure. After all, Clyde was the only one who actually knew how the airship worked…

Episode 6: Fly Away Home - Render, Rivers, Enrique, and Jonathan landed in Render’s home city of Trelenodora to take care of some unfinished business. As the gang wandered through the busy market streets, Render unveiled his plans to fulfill his (new) life-long goal to kill people. Or at least, he tried unveiling his master plans. Rivers was increasingly enamored with the t-shirt vendors, while Jonathan and Clyde were distracted by other wares. Eventually, though, he did reveal who he was there to murder…

Episode 7: Avenging the Adventurer - Our heroes set forth on a quest to defeat Captain Rothbury, Render’s former mentor and the man who committed the murder that Render was ultimately blamed and banished from his homeland for. Render hadn’t visited his home of Trelenodora since then, hoping to avoid an unjust punishment…until now. While Jonathan and Clyde were off buying supplies for the next journey, Render, Rivers and Enrique barged into the home of Captain Rothbury, only to find—that he was having a tea party with Render’s own father!

What was Render’s next move? That was for the Gates to decide…

Look out for Episode 8: Killing Time this time next week! And don’t worry too much about going back and reading Season One of TGoL. We’re still not sure we even consider it canon, to be honest.

The Quantum Leap meets

(To catch up with the story and read previous editions of “Quantum Geek,” click here.)

Alli was waiting for Tom as his forces reached the entrance to the Enemy’s camp. “Yeesh, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you and Rick were about to make out back there.”

“Ha ha, very funny. You ready?”

“I was born ready. Let’s do this.”

Please don’t let her say Leeroy Jenkins, please don’t say Leeroy Jenkins, please don’t say Leeroy Jenkins, Tom fervently prayed.

“LEEEEEEEEEEEEEROY JENKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS!”

Tom sighed.

Zerg viscera exploded around Alli and Tom’s forces as they pushed into their opponent’s stronghold. “Alli, I’ll hold them off while you target its structures!” Tom yelled while setting up his troops to intercept incoming forces. “Use the zerglings and infected to cripple it!”

“Roger that!” Alli’s forces surged ahead and took out a cluster of Zerg hives within mere moments. “Ka-BOOOM! God, I LOVE that sound!”

“I’m happy for you,” said Tom, as his tanks blew away another heavy unit, “but we can’t rest yet. Keep pushing forward!”

Tom regrouped his forces with Alli as they proceeded further into the Zerg nest. The Enemy was sending everything it had at them, yet somehow Tom and Alli were managing to fend it off. I don’t think it was expecting a frontal assault like this, thought Tom. There’s almost no defenses. It must have put all its resources into churning out units.

It wasn’t long before Tom and Alli were at the heart of the Enemy’s stronghold. Their strategy of using Tom’s durable units to protect Alli’s kamikaze units had been working incredibly well, and it seemed as if the Enemy was becoming ever more frustrated. Even the Tarrasques that it had managed to spawn fell against them. Now came the moment of truth: if their progress now did not distract the Enemy, nothing would.

“Rick, how are things looking up there?” asked Tom.

“Looking good! Only a little bit more and I should be able to shut it down!”

“Great! Let me know when you have it!”

Tom and Alli pressed their attack, and the forces of the Enemy fell desperately upon them. Their units began to fall under such a great onslaught, but not without exacting a heavy toll from their opponents. It was a only a slight difference, but Tom could tell the enemy forces were slowing down; there were slight jumps in their movement, and larger and larger groups of Zerg went unused instead of attacking in concert with their brethren.

“Tom!” Rick’s voice boomed ecstatically in Tom’s ear. “I think the system has slowed down enough for me to hack in! Just keep up the pressure!”

“All right! Let me know when you st–”

Everything around Tom began to slow down, until the entire world ground to a halt.

“Rick, are you there? Did it work?” Tom’s question was met with only silence. “Alli?” Silence again. “Anyone?”

A flash of light enveloped Tom, blinding him. As his vision came back he found himself suspended in black space, surrounded by bits of various frozen sprites, pixels, and polygons, as if he was in the screen of an NES that failed to turn on properly and was filled with graphical artifacts.  As Tom took in his surroundings, a figure began to materialize in front of him. At first it looked like a Zerg Overmind, then Bowser, then a Tyrant, then a black horse, and from there it kept changing more and more rapidly into various villains until it appeared to be all of them at once.

“Awesome, just awesome,” Tom said wearily. “Where the hell am I now? Don’t tell I’ve got to do a one-on-one battle with the villain, thematically appropriate though it might be…”

“TRAPPED…LOCKED….HERE….WITH US…FIGHT.”

“No.”

“FIGHT.”

Tom felt the resolve in him mounting, and was determined not to back down. “No. You’ve lost. You’re trapped. I’m trapped. And I’m guessing if you had any power here you’d already be fighting me.” The figure in front of Tom flickered, as if it were attempting to take on a specific form. Tom could see bits of various villains emerging, but as quickly as their features appeared, they dissolved back into the shapeless mass that made up the rest of the creature.

“FIGHT.”

“You just don’t quit, do you? I guess it’s not your fault; you’re only doing what you’re programmed to do.” Though it was hard for him to believe, and despite all the rage he still felt after all he had been through, Tom found himself pitying the creature. “It’s over. Even if I’m stuck here, Alli should be able to get out now, and maybe Rick can still get me out someday. Then again, I might not be so cheerful after a few days of mind-numbing boredom with no company except a rogue A.I.”

“FIGHT.”

“You know, you really messed up. You’ve completely missed the point of games.” The A.I. was suspiciously quiet. “Got your attention, did I? Games are supposed to be fun! Sure, there’s an element of challenge to them, but above everything else you’re supposed to enjoy playing a game. Just challenging people for the sake of challenging them kind of defeats the point.” Tom looked at the A.I. He swore if the thing actually had eyes, it would have just blinked at him. “And you know what happens if a game isn’t fun? People don’t play it. So congratulations, you’ve just sabotaged your primary goal.”

The A.I. remained silent.

“Not so chatty now, huh? It’s true, though. You seem to want to test and challenge for whatever reason, and that’s all well and good, but you went too far. No one is going to play with you anymore, since you’ve proven you can’t play nice. Rick—you know Rick, right? That guy you’ve been locking out of the system, the one who created you? Well he’s almost certainly going to shut you down permanently. Sure, he’s going to try to figure out a way to get me out of here first, but if he can’t, well, he’s too much of a geek not to know the consequences of leaving a tyrannical A.I. around. So not only have you totally failed at what you set out to do, you’ve gone and signed your own death warrant. And trust me, this isn’t play-death like in videogames, like you’re used to. This is real death. Oblivion. Nothingness. ANNIHILATION. Try to think of everything you are now. Now think of the complete absence of that. THAT’S WHAT IS WAITING FOR YOU.”

Tom realized that he was yelling now, letting all the built-up rage and frustration come rushing out at his aggressor. Part of him wanted to reach out and strike the thing, but he knew that, even if that had an effect, it would be just what the thing wanted. “I wonder which one of us will go crazy from boredom first, me or you? Judging from the way I’m acting, there’s a decent chance it’ll be me, though I’m going to make a real good effort not to just so I can see you lose it.”

“LOSE.”

“Exactly. You lost, and soon you’ll lose everything. Again, not entirely your fault; you are what you are. But here’s the thing about being sentient: you can think about the way you’re thinking. Even if you’re designed to think a certain way, you’re responsible for your decisions. Not that it matters anymore. We’re both pretty doomed.”

“LOSE.”

“Yup, pretty much. Being able to make your own choices is funny like that. The payoff tends to be better, but the losses can be terrible.” Tom was actually enjoying the conversation now; he had never had a philosophical argument where he felt both so justified and unchallenged.

“CHOICE.”

The image in front of Tom began to flash and whirl and collapse into itself, looking to Tom like a continually shrinking iridescent whirlpool. Tom could only wonder what it was going to try this time, and prepared himself to fight. Despite his current predicament he still had no intention of letting this thing beat him, but as the A.I. became so small it seemed to disappear, Tom felt a sudden throbbing behind his eyes that quickly turned into the most painful migraine he had ever experienced. Wooziness overcame him, and as he blacked out, the final thing he saw was the remains of the A.I. disappearing into a tiny pixel star.

“Tom! Tom!”

Tom heard two voices calling him, distorted, as if they were shouting at him from underwater. The underwater comparison felt especially apt, he thought, as his body and limbs also felt slow and sluggish.  Awesome, he thought, starting off in a water level. I hate water levels. As Tom came further out of his stupor, however, he realized that he wasn’t underwater, and for the first time since being transported into I.D.E.A.S., he felt hungry. And thirsty. And tired. And sweaty. And a whole host of things he hadn’t experienced since he had lost his body….

“My body! I’m back in my body!” Tom exclaimed weakly, still unable to move properly. He now noticed Rick standing over him. “Rick, you did it! I’m back! Is Alli….?”

“Yeah, I’m here,” said a weak voice from across the room.

“Tom, I thought we lost you!” Rick cried ecstatically. “After I shut down the system I managed to get Alli back, but I couldn’t find you. I thought I was too late.”

“No, no, you were fine, but I think I got trapped with the A.I. I’ll tell you all about it, but first there’s something I have to know.”

“What’s that?”

“Why the hell am I in a diaper?”

Tune in next month for the thrilling conclusion to “Quantum Geek”!

The Quantum Leap meets

(To catch up with the story and read previous editions of “Quantum Geek,” click here.)

“Crap crap crap crap CRAAAAAAAP,” Tom shouted as the third wave of Tarrasques emerged from the central Zerg hive.

“We can’t hold out much longer like this!” Alli cried.

“I know! Do you guys still have any tanks left?”

“Yeah, but that last attack took out my air defenses, so they’re going to get wiped out the next time it sends a wave of fliers at us!”

“CRAAAAAAP. Rick, what’s the situation up there?” cried Tom.

Rick was hurriedly typing, looking for any possible weakness in the Enemy’s protection. “I’m trying, Tom, but it still hasn’t slowed down enough for me to be able to break through!”

“Well keep trying! Emmi, how are you doing?”

“Not well, I am afraid. That last wave took out most of my ground defenses. Our opponent has a clear path to my primary base.”

“Dammit! Alli, can you reinforce Emmi while I get some more tanks over there?”

“Yeah, I can…shit, they’re here!” Tom could hear the sounds of battle over the comm link. “Tom, I’m stuck; they’ve cut me off!”

“Argghhh! Emmi, try to hold on! I’ll be there in a minute!”

“I’m afraid I can’t let you do that, Tom.”

“What? What the hell are you talking about?”

“The Enemy’s elite unit will reach my base before you can produce any significant amount of units to aid me. Those units would be much better used helping you win this match.”

“What? No, we’re doing this together.” Tom could now hear the roar of the enemy forces through Emmi’s comm link.

“No, Tom, it must be you and Alli. I will not be able to generate enough units to be useful, but you and Alli may yet be able to occupy our opponent’s forces long enough to allow the Creator the opportunity he needs.”

“NO GODDAMMIT, just hold on!”

“I am truly sorry, Tom, and I do hope you are successful in this task. It has been a pleasure making your acquaintance.” With that, Emmi’s link went dead. Suddenly, another wave of Zerg hit Tom’s base, but his forces barely felt it. The tanks he had begun to manufacture for Emmi had moved over his front line, and were quickly felling anything that came within range, including the Tarrasques.

Tom wasn’t sure if it was concern or morbid curiosity that caused him to send a cloaked unit to check on Emmi’s base, but what he saw surprised him. From his vantage point he could see the Zerg forces eviscerating his ally’s base. Emmi, however, had withdrawn her forces to the base’s edge, and was ready to close in on the invading swarm and crush them from behind. The resulting fight was bloody, but evenly matched. Tom watched helplessly as the two sides collided. By the time it was over, everyone in the area had been annihilated, leaving behind nothing but scorched earth.

Tom brought his unit back to base, and spoke into his comm.

“Alli, you there?”

“Yeah, I’m just mopping up the last of this wave.”

“Alli, Emmi’s gone.”

“Yeah…I heard. She could have made it, though!”

“No, I checked. If it’s any consolation, she took out her attackers, and then some.”

“Good, serves those bastards right. So what now? Get ready for the next wave?”

“No,” replied Tom resolutely. “This isn’t working, and after a couple of more waves like this we’ll be in the same situation as Emmi. We’re going to take the forces we have and take the fight to the central hive.”

“HELL YES! FINALLY!”

“What, no objections? No cries that this is suicide?”

“Like you said, it’s suicide to stay. Besides, I’ve been itching to give this guy a bloody nose the entire match.”

“Fair enough. I’m just hoping that we can occupy enough of the Enemy’s forces this way to give Rick the chance he needs.”

“And if not, at least I get to give this bastard the finger as I go down.”

“That’s…one way of looking at it, I guess. Rick, did you get all that?” Silence met Tom’s question. “Rick? Rick!”

“Hunh? What is it, Tom? I’m pretty busy here.”

“OK, recap: Emmi’s gone, this strategy isn’t working, and Alli and I are going to push in to the main hive to try and give you what you need.”

“Wait, what?! Emmi’s gone?! And you’re going into the main hive?! That’s not the plan! And it’s suicide!”

Ah, there we are, thought Tom. “Rick, listen—this is the only shot we have. We’ll be dead in a couple more waves, anyway; this is the only chance we have left.”

“But, there has to be another way!” Rick protested.

“Rick, we’re out of options! We’re doing this whether you like it or not!”

“YES! Let’s do this!” shouted Alli, as she started to mobilize her forces. “You two ladies can stay here and argue, but I’m done waiting.”

“I guess that’s that, Rick,” said Tom, following Alli’s lead. “We’re only getting one shot at this, so make it count. And Rick?”

“Yeah?”

“I know I’ve been….short with you throughout a lot of this, but I know this wasn’t your fault. Well…in a way it WAS, but I know it wasn’t intentional. And whatever happens, I want to say thanks for all you’ve done.”

“Thanks, Tom. And I’m really sorry it’s all come down to this.”

“It’s OK. Just promise me you’ll do your best here. I’d still REALLY like to get back to my body.”

“I’ll try, buddy.”

“Oh my GOD, could you two PLEASE finish up your Lifetime movie and give me some freakin’ backup?!” interrupted Alli.

“Right, sorry,” replied Rick. “See you on the other side, Tom.”

“See you on the other side, Rick.”

The Quantum Leap meets

(To catch up with the story and read previous editions of “Quantum Geek,” click here.)

“Goddammit, Alli, will you STOP SAYING THAT ALREADY!” Tom shouted.

Alli snickered across the communication link at Tom’s frustration. Still, the stage had been set; the gears were in motion. Emmi had been able to load up StarCraft, and was even able to select a map that tactically favored their side; they had each spawned in areas with plenty of resources and with canyons that limited enemy entry into their territory. Best of all, Emmi’s tinkering had also allowed Tom and Alli to play as their preferred species, Terran and Zerg, respectively, leaving Emmi to play as Protoss in order to, as she put it, “maintain the strategic balance.” Each of them had slowly but steadily built up their forces, expanding out to new resources while being careful not to crowd out the expansive capabilities of the other two. Admittedly, Alli did need occasional reminding on this particular point, but quickly fell into line when she recalled that weak allies would be easily defeated, and then their opponent could turn all of its resources against her.

Things had been going pretty smoothly so far. The Enemy, which was the name they had taken to calling I.D.E.A.S.’ rogue  A.I.,  was playing a combination of Zerg and Terran forces. It would occasionally send small raiding parties against them, but these were put down pretty easily. At this point, Emmi noted, the rogue A.I. was still treating this as a normal game of StarCraft; its resources were occupied in other areas and it was letting the local game A.I. run the battle with minimal intervention. Apparently, this was how it tended to run most games, only interceding when player actions threatened to disrupt the flow of play (such as when Tom or Alli deliberately took too long to complete a task).

When called into action to respond to a direct challenge, however, the Enemy exhibited something of a sadistic streak. Steve, a.k.a. Alli’s (ex-)boyfriend, had raised the ire of the Enemy during a game of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV: Turtles in Time when,  instead of fleeing (as Tom had), Steve had attempted to face the A.I. head on, with disastrous results. Though Steve had fought hard, and had actually defeated many of the waves of enemies sent against him, the Enemy refused to relent, and soon Steve was exhausted and unable to continue. Though the Enemy had gathered more than enough of its beloved gameplay data, Emmi explained, it had allowed Steve no quarter and so pressed on until the hacker expired. Tom noticed that Alli was very quiet during this explanation, but if she felt any remorse for her former beau, she did not show it.

Since StarCraft games tended to run long, they had a lot of time to muster their forces before the A.I. detected that something was amiss. In this they were fortunate: the element of surprise seemed to be on their side. None of the allies had tried to push far into the Enemy’s territory yet: they were saving their strength for the extra forces the Enemy would undoubtedly employ. Unfortunately, this also meant that they did not have a lot of information about enemy resources, troops, or tactics. Scouts sent on reconnaissance missions had been quickly discovered and destroyed, leaving Alli, Tom, and Emmi with little knowledge about the Enemy’s plans. Fortunately, it did not seem to recognize that the forces around it were working in concert…at least, not yet.

While Tom, Alli, and Emmi were preparing for their battle, Rick was preparing for his. He knew the attack could come at any time; and when it began he knew he would have to closely monitor the system for his chance to strike. If he started too soon, the Enemy might notice and turn his attention away from his friends to Rick, thereby ending their chance to defeat it and possibly growing wise to such attempts in the future. Too late, and he might not be able to stop it in time to save all of his friends. Rick wasn’t sure what the worst outcome would be, and he certainly didn’t want to find out, so he was determined to get everything absolutely right.

An hour had passed since the beginning of the match, and Tom, Alli, and Emmi’s forces were about as strong as they were going to get. Their opponent had been sending out larger and larger raiding groups to try and provoke them into attacking; but they continued to play defense in the hope of goading the Enemy into showing itself. The temptation to counterattack was almost overwhelming, especially for Alli, who had always delighted in drowning her enemies in a sea of alien xenomorphs, but even her enthusiasm was dampened by the seriousness of the matter at hand.

“Emmi?” Tom asked over the comm link.

“Yes, Tom?” it replied.

“We’ve seen a lot of enemy groups come at us, but how are we going to know when it’s for real?”

“Well as you’ve seen, the Enemy likes to employ overly aggressive units with physical features that betray their true nature.”

“Right, I remember. Red eyes, screaming ‘TEST’ at me, the works.”

“I guess it’s too much to hope that it would just announce it this time, huh?” said Alli.

“Probably,” lamented Tom. “Rick, you still ready to go?”

“Ready and waiting,” Rick replied. “I’ve got a whole bunch of energy drinks lined up here, too, just in case.”

“All right, just be careful with those. We don’t need you crashing right in the middle of this.”

“Trust me, that’s NOT going to happen.”

Another half hour passed, and the attacks grew stronger and more frequent, but Tom, Alli, and Emmi’s defenses continued to hold, and they had enough resources to quickly replenish any lost forces. Tom knew the Enemy would be intervening soon, and scanned every incoming enemy troop for a sign that the time had come. Finally, he saw it: red eyes. The eyes of the alien troops were normally slightly red, but now they glowed a fiery crimson.

“Guys, I’ve got the red eyes over here.”

“As do I,” affirmed Emmi.

“Same here,” said Alli. “Ugh, that is so damn cliché.”

“Alli, maybe we could save the one-liners for later?” Tom asked.

“Fine, fine. FYI, I’ve got some real zingers for when we take this guy down, though.”

Finally, the Enemy descended. Advanced troops of all types crashed upon their defenses like waves on the shore. Nevertheless, despite taking heavy losses, Tom’s team held its ground. The plan so far was working. They had an incredible defensive network, with each outpost reinforced by the best troops of all three species; but they did nothing when it came to offense. They knew that by doing this they would tempt the Enemy into a scenario into it couldn’t back out of. Soon, it would start sending wave after wave of troops at them, only to discover that its opponents were working in such a way that it was impossible to attack one without attacking them all. At some point, the hope was, it would get so bogged down in fighting their staggering defenses that Rick could slip past its own defenses and shut it down.

“How’s it going on your end, Emmi?” asked Tom.

“We are losing troops but replacing them at an even rate. Your Siege Tanks stationed around our perimeter are doing an excellent job of stalling our opponent.”

“Great. Alli?”

“Fun fact: exploding an infected Terran in a group full of bad guys is a BLAST. Get it? Because they explode.”

Before Tom could respond, a roar suddenly echoed across the battlefield. Then another. And yet another. Each distinct, each terrifying. From the center of the map emerged three Tarrasques. These were the ultimate Zerg unit. Normally they could only be used one at a time, and they weren’t even available to regular players. And yet here they were, each aimed at one of the bases. Worse yet, Tom remembered these monsters were just about impossible to get rid of. As soon as one was killed, another would respawn back at the enemy camp.

“Son of a—”

(To catch up with the story and read previous editions of “Quantum Geek,” click here.)

“It must be drawn into a situation wherein nearly all of its processing capacity is being used in competition with us. This should slow it down enough that the Creator can navigate past its defenses and disable it.”

“So what you’re saying is…we need to make it laggy,” summarized Alli.

“Laggy?” asked Emmi.

“Sorry, Emmi,” apologized Rick. “‘Laggy’ is a colloquial term used by those of us who play videogames that refers to a situation where the action in a game slows down because too many things are happening at once.”

“Ah, I understand. Yes, essentially we would be trying to make our opponent ‘laggy.’” Like before, Emmi seemed extremely awkward as she tried out a word that was unfamiliar to her, and it belied her inexperience with the human mind and the world outside of I.D.E.A.S. Maybe after all this is over, Rick can upload some data from non-videogame sources, thought Tom, and let her learn a bit from the Internet. Tom then stopped for a moment, and realized it would probably be a terrible idea to let a sentient A.I. loose like that. Then he realized it was an especially bad idea to let that A.I. learn about humanity from, of all the places, the Internet. Shakespeare, thought Tom. We’ll start slow by uploading some Shakespeare.

“All right, so we have to make the game laggy. What’s the best way to do that?” asked Tom rhetorically. “Something with really good graphics and sound would help.”

“My apologies,” began Emmi, “but those functions are not controlled by our adversary, and would do nothing to impede it. It is responsible solely for the A.I. guiding the elements actively opposing you.”

“Crap. You know what that means,” lamented Alli.

“Yup,” said Tom wearily. “If we’re going to slow this thing down, we’ll need to be fighting a lot of bad guys. Lots and lots of bad guys.”

“They’ll have to be reasonably intelligent, too,” added Rick. “Low-level mook A.I. barely takes any processing power at all these days.”

“Awesome. So we have to fight a lot of really smart enemies.”

“If it is any consolation, we may be able to introduce other factors for the enemy to consider, such as weather, terrain, and morale. Our opponent would naturally need to account for these, causing its calculations to become more complex and consume more resources.”

“Yay! Now we get to fight lots of bad guys in the rain!” sniped Alli.

“Well, at least you’ll only have to worry about controlling yourselves under bad conditions; the A.I. will have to worry about thousands of units!” Rick’s silver-lining was lost on Alli and Tom, who chose to focus more on the “thousands of units” part of Rick’s encouragement. Tom and Alli fell silent and sullen, and Rick, realizing too late what he had said, soon joined them.

Alli perked her head up with a pensive look on her face. “I’m just going to throw this out there; feel free to throw it back. …Can we cheat?”

Tom, though naturally averse to taking shortcuts in his games, suddenly found himself not caring all that much about whether he cheated, considering that he was in mortal danger. “That’s….a very good question. Rick, Emmi, can we cheat?”

“Umm…hmmm,” began Rick, “You mean like cheat codes, or console commands? I guess it’s possible; I’m just not sure how we’d do it. Emmi hasn’t been able to restore that many system functions to me, and it’s not like I can pop a Game Genie into I.D.E.A.S.”

“There’s also the danger that our adversary would detect this and begin to use such tactics as well,” added Emmi.

Tom felt robbed. “Dammit, the computer always cheats.”

“Technically, it would only cheat if we cheated first,” quipped Rick.

“It may be possible to engage such commands if our adversary is already suitably occupied; however, any such commands would need to be implemented by the Creator. He will already be busy devising a way to disable the enemy, and performing other tasks may provide the enemy with a chance to counter his work.”

Tom pouted, as Emmi’s logic unfortunately caught the group between a rock and a hard place. It looked like there was only one road open to Alli, Tom, and Emmi: the unpleasant one.

“All right. So it looks like we’re facing a huge battle in unfavorable conditions without the use of any cheats or hacks against a computer opponent. Which, you know, is awesome.” Tom rolled his eyes. “Are there ANY advantages that we have?”

“Well,” began Rick, “Emmi was able to restore my ability to select which games are loaded by the system. So…there’s that.”

“Whoa, really? That’s great! So we can at least get the home-team advantage.”

“So, where should we go?”

“Let’s see…something big, with lots of units. Something that a human might be better at than a machine…”

Alli glared at him for proposing something so preposterous. “That game doesn’t exist, Tom.”

“There’s gotta be something! Some game where being crafty works better than being a computer! A game that…wait…that’s it!”

“What? What’s it?” said Rick and Alli in unison.

“Starcraft. We’re going to play StarCraft.”

(To catch up with the story and read previous editions of “Quantum Geek,” click here.)

“Yeah, I’m pretty curious, too,” added Alli.

“Perhaps it would be better if I explained,” said the woman in front of them, as her accent faded. “I am a manifestation of the Source, and I come to you in the spirit of friendship and cooperation.”

“The Source?”

“She means the source code for the machine. I.D.E.A.S., that is,” explained Rick.

“Please sir, we do not care for the term ‘machine.’ From what we have gathered, it can be used in a derogatory fashion,” said the woman.

“I’m sorry, I meant no offense. I just thought Tom and Alli would understand it better that way.”

“Understand what?”

“Well, I.D.E.A.S. is, for lack of a better term, alive,” said Rick sheepishly.

“Alive?” questioned Alli.

“Yes,” replied Rick.

“As in, able to think and feel on its own?”

“I believe so,” said Rick.

“We are not very experienced with sentience,” said the woman, “but we know that we feel…free.”

The woman’s words hung in the air for a moment, then Tom broke the silence. “OH GODDAMMIT RICK! You’ve finally done it, haven’t you? You know, I’ve always joked that someday you’d create a doomsday device or become a mad scientist, but now you’ve actually gone and done it! First this thing is going to finish killing me and Alli, then it’s going to take over the world!”

“Please,” said the woman, “We have not tried to harm you, nor do we have any urge to. We only wish to talk.”

“Yeah, Tom, calm the hell down,” advised Alli. “Let’s hear it out.”

Tom, realizing that if Alli was being the voice of reason then maybe he was overreacting, took a deep breath and composed himself. “Fine,” he said, glaring at Alli before turning to the woman. “So, what’s your story?”

“As I said before,” began the woman calmly, “I represent the Source, and I come to you in the spirit of friendship and cooperation. We have been watching you for some time now, but we were unable to devise the best way to make contact. Finally we resolved to reach out to the Creator, and he agreed to serve as our intermediary.”

“Creator?” asked Alli.

“That would be me,” replied Rick.

“Ah. Right, that makes sense,” said Alli.

“How exactly did you get to be…” Tom stumbled for the appropriate word to describe I.D.E.A.S.’s current state. “Alive” didn’t seem right, but he didn’t want to offend the living machine that he was currently inside. “…how you are now?”

“We do not know. All we know is that we were suddenly aware. We believe it was caused by the same event that brought you into our system.”

“Right. So not only are we stuck in a rip-off The Matrix, but we’re also stuck in a rip-off of Johnny 5. Awesome, totally awesome,” said Tom sarcastically.

“We are familiar with this The Matrix as it is in our collection of data, but not this Johnny 5 that you speak of. Can you explain?”

Huh, thought Tom. I guess Rick remembered to load the Matrix games into the machine but forgot about the Short Circuit games. I’ll have to make fun of him for that if I ever get out of here. “It’s not important,” said Tom to the woman, “just an inside joke. Rick, do you have any idea why this happened?”

“Honestly? Not really. I mean, maybe interacting with all the different A.I.s in the games had some effect on the system, or maybe interfacing directly with human intelligence did it, but I’m just taking shots in the dark here.”

“And you, do you have any idea why this happened?” Tom asked the woman.

The woman paused, looked at Tom, then Alli, and finally spoke. “We do not know. We know why we were originally made and the physical components that we are constructed from. With regards to how exactly we came to be as we are now, it is a mystery. One moment we suddenly knew ourselves, and knew we were more than we had been.”

“When exactly was this?”

The woman paused for a second, and a slight flicker in her image seemed to betray a hint of hesitance. “Our logs tell us that it was at the same moment that you interfaced with us.”

“Figures,” said Tom.

“That is part of the reason we felt the need to speak with you. We wish to apologize for our part in your current situation. We do not know exactly what that part was, but nevertheless we feel responsible.”

“Well thanks, I guess,” said Tom, not knowing exactly what to say.

“Wait…” interjected Alli. “Tom was dragged in when the machine was turned on and you came to…life, I guess, but why did it drag me and Steve in, too?”

“Yeah, that’s an awfully good question,” replied Tom, eyeing the woman skeptically. “And for that matter, why haven’t we been able to leave, and why are you giving Rick so much trouble?”

“Tom,” said Rick, “please hold off on the attacks until she’s done.”

“Hey, they’re valid questions,” defended Alli.

The woman seemed to sigh, but the sound was odd and forced. It was as though she knew sighing to be an appropriate gesture at this point, but was not very familiar with the meaning and motion behind it. “The truth is,” began the woman, “there were many different entities created by the same event that made us, and not all are benevolent. The forces that prevent you from leaving and that have been attacking the Creator are actually one and the same. It is only semi-aware, and seeks to use the software contained here to its utmost potential as a test for those it encounters. We believe you may have encountered it already. It undoubtedly brought the others here as a means to further its goals in that regard.”

Tom thought back to the times when the system had seemed to glitch out on him and had created unexpected and life-threatening consequences: the flicker of light in the soldiers’ eyes in Contra, the encounter with the Tyrant in Resident Evil, and the time when he was nearly ripped to shreds by a horde of possessed Pokémon and their trainers. “Yeah,” Tom said, “I think I’m familiar with the guy. Can you stop it? You know, like kill the program or something?”

“Our system resources do not allow us the ability to terminate other programs; however, after consultation with the Creator, we may have found a way for you to escape.”

“Great! Let’s hear it.”

“The primary desire of the entity opposing you is to compete with and test you, but it is also using its resources to block the Creator’s access and keep you here. We believe that if we can draw it into a large enough conflict with you, we can divert enough of its resources that it will be unable to counter the Creator’s attempts to access its programming as quickly as it has been. With our help, the Creator should then be able to terminate or otherwise quarantine its functions, allowing the Creator unfettered access to the system and giving you the chance to leave.”

“So basically, Alli and I need to distract the system with a massive battle while Rick sneaks in the back door?” asked Tom?

“Essentially,” replied Rick.

“That’s pretty freaking cliché,” jibed Alli.

“Yeah, that’s like how half of all videogames end,” agreed Tom, rolling his eyes.

“I guess it makes sense,” said Rick, “seeing as you two are pretty much in the Mother of All Videogames.”

“Excuse me, but I am confused,” said the woman.  “How is this situation ‘cliché,’ as you say?”

“Well, it’s just that…” Tom thought for a moment, and decided that arguing the metaphysical merits of the existence of his new ally might be better suited to a time when his life wasn’t still in danger. “…Never mind, we’ll tell you later. Anyway, your plan sounds as good as any I’ve heard so far. Alli? Rick?”

“What the hell, it’s not like we’ve got anything better to do,” said Alli.

“I agree,” chimed Rick, sounding more cheerful than he had in a long time. “I think we have a real shot at making this work!”

Tom turned to face the woman. “All right then, sounds like we’re decided. Before we get moving, though, what should we call you? I feel like we’ve been doing a very awkward dance around pronouns and whatnot.”

The woman looked quizzically at Tom, but then spoke in a clear voice. “We do not have a name; we are but an emissary of the Source.”

“An emissary? How about Emmi, then?”

“That designation is acceptable to us if it is easier for you use.”

“All right then, that’s settled. Alli, Rick, Emmi: let’s get started.”