Phoenix Grows a Beard

The Epic Adventure of Phoenix Wright’s Facial Hair
And His Attempt to Avoid Bachelorhood-for-Life

Brought to you by GameCola.

Things had started off well enough, mind you. They chatted for a bit about their lives and their jobs, but when Phoenix noted a minor contradiction in what the young woman said, he shouted “OBJECTION!”, purely out of habit.

Things went downhill from there.

Why is it that a goofball like Larry has no problem getting girlfriends, while I struggle to get a second date? Phoenix wondered. I mean, no offense to Larry, but I think I’d make a much better boyfriend than him!

All through that night, Phoenix kept comparing himself to Larry, trying to figure out why Larry was more popular with girls. Nothing made sense, though. Larry dressed like a slob, while Phoenix always wore a stylish suit. Larry couldn’t hold down a job, while Phoenix owned his own law firm. Larry had a bad habit of breaking things, while the only thing Phoenix ever broke was Manfred von Karma’s perfect win record.

Phoenix’s cell phone rang, interrupting his thoughts.

“Hey, Nick! How was the date?” a cheerful voice said.

“Hey, Maya,” Phoenix said. “It was horrible. She left to go to the bathroom after ten minutes, and she never came back.”

“Jeez, really?” Maya asked. “That’s the third date this month that you’ve screwed up, Nick!”

“Hey, I didn’t screw it up!” Phoenix said.

“Whatever, Old Man,” Maya said. “But like I said, you’re on your own from now on. I don’t know anyone else in LA that I can set you up with!”

“Thanks for the help anyway,” Phoenix said glumly. Man, he never thought he’d see the day where he was getting dating help from Maya. When did his life go so far downhill?

“Yeah, she was the last new girl to join the training dojo we have here,” Maya said. “Maybe Mystic–”

“Hey, do you think Larry is cuter than me?” Phoenix interrupted.

“What?” Maya asked. “Oh no, you are not trying to set me up with Larry. What kind of idiot do you think I am?”

“What? No!” Phoenix said. “I meant–”

“Both you guys are, like, ten years older than me,” Maya said. “That’s super gross, Nick.”

“Maya!” Phoenix said. “That’s not what I’m talking about! I just was wondering if you thought Larry is better-looking than me, because every other girl in town seems to think so!”

“Have you thought about moving to Chicago?” Maya asked. “Maybe there are some girls there who haven’t heard of you.”

“Very funny,” Phoenix said. “I gotta go now. Later.”

“Wait, don’t–”

Phoenix hung up on Maya and turned his phone off before she could call back. He kept on grumbling to himself about women, and by the time he got back to his apartment, he was exhausted even though it was still 8:00 PM.

Phoenix went to bed early. He couldn’t sleep, however; he was too worried. He just lay in bed, thinking deeply about things.

It took two hours for Phoenix to realize what it was that ladies saw in Larry.

It has to be the beard, Phoenix realized. Larry’s got a goatee, and I have no facial hair at all. There is nothing else that could possibly make him more attractive than me.

And that’s why Phoenix Wright decided to grow a beard.

“Hey, Nick!” Maya said. “Sorry I haven’t been–ACK!”

“Hey, Maya,” Phoenix said. “Long time no see. I guess you’ve been too busy–”

“Wha–what is that on your face?” Maya asked, pointing a shaky finger at Phoenix’s upper lip.

“This? It’s my mustache,” Phoenix said. “Do you like it?”

“That is not a mustache,” Maya said. “I’ve seen mustaches before, and they are not that horrifying.”

Phoenix rolled his eyes. He was pretty sure that Maya had never seen a mustache before, outside of a Super Mario videogame. “I don’t care if you don’t like it,” he said. “I’m going to grow it out. I think it’s cool.”

“We are going to lose the trial if the Judge sees you like that,” Maya said.

“The Judge happens to be a proud supporter of facial hair!” Phoenix said. “And besides, I need a new look. A mustache is the way to go.”

“Yeah, if you want to look like a drunken hobo!” Maya said.

Phoenix stroked his Mighty Stache of Awesomeness, which was a little scruffy. “You’ll see, Maya! This mustache is only going to help our chances in court!”

“This court finds the defendant GUILTY!” the Judge decreed.

“What?” Phoenix cried.

“No way!” Maya said.

Miles Edgeworth shook his head at Phoenix from across the courtroom. “Looks like you picked the wrong person to defend this time, Wright!”

“Next time, I get to screen the client,” Maya told Phoenix.

“Today is an off day for you,” Edgeworth continued. “You forgot to shave, and you forgot to bring a coherent argument!”

“OBJECTION! Lay off the stache!” Phoenix cried.

The Judge pounded his gavel three times. “You didn’t let me finish!” he said. “This court finds the defendant guilty…OF BEING INNOCENT!”

“WHA-WHA-WHAAAAA?” Phoenix cried.

Edgeworth slammed his fist down. “Your Honor! This is a courtroom, not a comedy club! There is no room for making jokes here!”

“My apologies,” the Judge said. “I just thought I’d try to lighten the mood a little bit.”

“So wait, which one is it?” Phoenix asked. “Innocent or guilty?”

“Oh, he’s definitely guilty of returning his library book late,” the Judge said. “Five-hundred dollar fine. Next case!”

“Too bad he didn’t throw the library book,” Phoenix said. “We’re probably not going to get paid for this case, now.”

“It’s all the fault of that stupid mustache!” Maya said. “The judge saw it, so he decided to rule against us!”

“The judge isn’t that fickle,” Phoenix said. “And besides, I grew this mustache to help attract women, not elderly men!”

“No woman would ever be attracted to a man with a caterpillar on his lip!” Maya insisted. “I’m a woman, so I would know!”

“Oh, yeah?” Phoenix said. “If you’re an adult, why do you still watch kids shows all the time?”

“The writing on those shows is much better than primetime TV!” Maya said. “And besides, we know the actors in half those shows! I’m just supporting our friends!”

“Oh, sure, that’s exactly–” Phoenix said.

“Excuse me, Mr. Wright,” a soft voice said.

Phoenix looked up to see a blonde bombshell dressed in a blue uniform. She would have looked very professional, except that the top few buttons of her shirt were unbuttoned.

“I’m so sorry to interrupt,” she said. “But I just have to speak with you.”

“You do?” Phoenix asked.

“I’m Lila Lovely,” she said. “I’m one of the bailiffs here.”

“I…I see,” Phoenix gulped. He never knew it was possible for someone to look so attractive in a bailiff’s uniform. “What can I do for you, Miss Lovely?”

The Lovely woman got closer to Phoenix, almost too close. He wasn’t used to women invading his personal space like that.

Maya coughed, which sounded suspiciously like, “Sleaze!”

“Oh, I think there’s a lot you can do for me,” she said in a husky voice.

This is a dream, right? Or a practical joke? Phoenix wondered. Because there’s no way this is really happening.

The woman wrapped her leg around Phoenix’s and ran a finger across his mustache. “I was wondering if you want to go out to dinner after my shift ends at six tonight? The three of us could go together.”

Maya fainted from shock.

“Of course!” Phoenix said. “I’d love to–wait, the three of us?”

“Just you, me, and the mustache.” Miss Lovely said.

“I’ll bring my hairy lips if you bring your non-hairy lips,” Phoenix said. It wasn’t exactly the smoothest line ever, but it was the best thing Phoenix could think up on the spot.

“My lips belong only to you,” she said. And as if she wanted to prove it, Lila brought her mouth up to Phoenix’s and–

“AHEM!” someone said loudly.

Phoenix turned his head around to see an angry Miles Edgeworth staring daggers at him.

“Do you think you could save your romantic rendezvous for when you’re not in public?” Edgeworth demanded.

“Uh, sorry!” Phoenix said, peeling Lila’s body off of his. “I didn’t mean to–”

“It’s OK,” Lila said. “Sometimes when I’m around handsome men, I just can’t help myself.”

“This is highly irregular behavior for a bailiff!” Edgeworth said.

“Here’s my phone number,” Lila said, pulling out a piece of paper from her pocket and handing it to Phoenix. “Keep it…safe.”

“I’ll keep it close to my heart,” Phoenix said.

Edgeworth clutched his chest, as if Phoenix’s corny line actually caused him physical pain.

“Oh, and the Judge wants to see you in his chambers,” she said. “He’s not the only one, though…”

Phoenix grinned, and Edgeworth frowned. “Are you quite finished?” he demanded.

“I guess Mr. Grumpy wants me to go,” Lila said. “See you tonight at six…”

“See you!” Phoenix said, waving as she left.

“I cannot believe how unprofessional you are acting today!” Edgeworth said.

“Ha!” Phoenix said. “I just got a date tonight!”

“Your assistant is unconscious,” Edgeworth noted.

“You’re just jealous because you haven’t had a date in over a year!” Phoenix said.

“Who told you?” Edgeworth demanded. “Um, I mean, nice try, Wright! But you have no proof to back up your statement!”

Phoenix raised an eyebrow at Edgeworth.

“My last six dates were all either murdered or accused of murder,” Edgeworth said. “Two of them were found guilty. …It’s sort of ruined my chances on the dating scene.”

“Wow, trouble really follows you around, doesn’t it?” Phoenix said. “Maybe you should try growing a mustache.”

“Everywhere I go, it seems like someone gets killed,” Edgeworth agreed. “And I think you should shave that mustache!”

“Not when it just got me a killer date!” Phoenix said. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the Judge’s chambers!”

“Nick, I had the craziest dream,” she said. “I thought that a girl asked you out on a date, because she liked your mustache!”

“That’s not true,” Phoenix said.

“Phew!” Maya sighed. “Because I knew that your mus–”

“Three girls asked me out, because they like my mustache!” Phoenix said.

“Wha-wha-wha-whaaaat?” Maya cried.

“It’s true,” Phoenix said. “I got lost on the way to the Judge’s chambers, and I ended up meeting this beautiful lady judge who asked me out. Man, I wouldn’t mind being the attorney for one of her trials! And when I asked a security guard for directions, she asked me out, too!”

“You–you have GOT to be kidding!” Maya said. “There is no way that three women would think an ugly guy like you is attractive!”

“Thanks for the ego boost,” Phoenix grumbled. “And I’m telling you, it’s the stache! Ladies love the stache!”

“It’s more likely that all the women in the courtroom are having a competition to see who can get the worst date,” Maya said.

“Jeez, why do you hate my mustache so much?” Phoenix asked.

“It’s ugly and stupid!” Maya said.

The two of them argued for a little while, until Maya remembered that Phoenix just visited the normally off-limits Judge’s chambers.

“So what did the Judge say, anyway?” Maya asked.

“He thinks I should try growing a stache and beard combo, like he has,” Phoenix shrugged. “It’s not that big of a–”

Not looking where he was going, Phoenix accidentally bumped into a short young woman.

“Ooomph!” she cried. Her possessions went flying everywhere.

“Oh gosh, I’m sorry!” Phoenix said. He squatted down and started grabbing things. “Let me help you pick those up!”

“You big buffoon!” the woman said. “Why don’t you look where you’re going?”

“Hey, I said I was sorry,” Phoenix said, looking up at the woman. “If you don’t–”

“Oh!” she said, looking at Phoenix’s mustache. She brought a hand to her mouth. “Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to snap at you! Let me make it up to you, by taking you to lunch!”

“He’s with me!” Maya said, grabbing Phoenix’s arm.

“No, I’m not!” Phoenix said. He pulled out a business card and gave it to the woman. “Call me!” he said, as Maya dragged him away.

“Jeez, Maya, what’s your problem?” he asked.

“Problem? I don’t want some trampy brownette trying to get her claws into my business partner!”

“Did you just say ‘brownette’?” Phoenix asked.

“Yeah, it means woman with brown hair!” Maya said. “Like a brunette, only brown!”

“I think you just made that up,” Phoenix said.

“I read it in a book somewhere!” Maya said.

“You can read?” Phoenix asked.

“You’re a jerk, Nick!” Maya said. “And you need to shave!”

Phoenix did not shave. Instead, he took the Judge’s advice, and he grew out his beard. Soon, Phoenix’s beard and mustache combo was attracting all sorts of attention.

Phoenix was loving it. Normally, whenever anyone looked at him, all they saw was his spiky hair. Now, all people saw was his awesome facial hair.

Long gone were the days when Phoenix had to practically beg girls for dates. Now, he had a date every night of the week. Sometimes, even two dates per day! Phoenix knew that he should stop being a playboy and try to settle down with one of his new female acquaintances—several of them were good enough to merit multiple dates—but Phoenix was too overwhelmed by the knowledge that actual women liked him!

“Another trial won!” Phoenix said happily, as he and Maya left the courtroom. “Once again, the beard saves the day!”

“I’ve told you a million times, the beard is not helping us win trials!” Maya said angrily.

“But it is,” Phoenix said. “The Judge and I have a beard connection going on, and that’s definitely helping. Haven’t you noticed that he doesn’t give me penalties anymore?”

“I did notice that,” Maya muttered. “But it’s just a coincidence!”

“Coincidence, nothing!” Phoenix said. “This beard is the greatest thing that ever happened to me!”

“I should shave it off in your sleep,” Maya said.

“Ah, come on, Maya!” Phoenix said. He gave a wink toward Lila Lovely the bailiff as they continued walking. “Why can’t you be happy for me? I’ve had more dates in the past month than I’ve had in the past five years!”

“I…it just bothers me, that’s all,” Maya said. “Everyone’s treating you different now. I liked it better before cheap girls started throwing themselves at you.”

Phoenix stroked his beard thoughtfully. “Actually, I was thinking of shaving…once I got a steady girlfriend, that is,” he said.

“Then get a girlfriend, quick!” Maya said. “I want the old Nick back!”

“Jeez, I haven’t changed that much,” Phoenix said. “…Have I?”

“Phoenix Wright!” a loud voice snapped.

“Franziska von Karma,” Phoenix said, turning around to face the Prodigy Prosecutor. “Tough luck in the courtroom, huh? Looks like I beat you again!”

“I don’t care about that, you fool!” Franziska said, snapping her whip on the ground. “I just want to know one thing!”

Phoenix gulped. An angry woman with a whip is a dangerous thing. “Y…yes?” he asked.

“When did you get so…handsome?” Franziska asked delicately. She reached out her hand and stroked his beard. “You are a sexy, sexy beast, Phoenix Wright, and I want you to be my boyfriend.”

The scream that came from Phoenix’s mouth could be heard from six-hundred feet away.

“MUST! SHAVE! NOW!” Phoenix shouted, running for the nearest exit.

Franziska put her hands on her hips. “I don’t believe it!” she said.

“It worked!” Maya said. She pulled some money out of her pocket, then gave it to Franziska. “Here’s your twenty bucks. Thanks for helping me out with that.”

“You’re welcome, Maya Fey,” Franziska said. “Although I must admit, he does look somewhat less foolish with that beard.”

“I don’t care,” Maya said. “I can’t stand that stupid thing.”

“Sometimes, it’s good to be dateless,” Phoenix said. “I don’t know why I ever felt jealous of Larry.”

The End

Curiosity is King

Sonic the Hedgehog games have been mostly disappointing over the last decade. People who absolutely abhor the “modern” Sonic games are telling me that Generations is “the best game since Sonic Adventure 2.” By what standard are they rating the game? Are they clocking Generations on its actual merits (if it has any) or are they basing it on a decade of Sega’s poor decisions?

Or, are they just being elitist so-’n'-sos who are overwhelmed by nostalgia? Yeah, I reckon it’s that one.

My interest was piqued by the positive reviews, and for me curiosity is a dangerous thing. It plays upon that inquisitive part of my psyché that is always excited to discover something new. This alter-ego threatened me that if I didn’t buy and play Sonic Generations, he would tell the whole Internet about my browser bookmarks, especially those inside the folder labelled “Paul’s Sexy Beard.”

Paul’s Sexy Beard, eh? I wonder what that contains.

I gave into his demands because, like they say, you should always listen to the man with the gun. I’m glad I listened, as not only are my brain and skull still intact, but also Sonic Generations is really great. I’m not lying when I say it’s a notch above some of the other games Sonic has recently starred in.

I personally enjoyed the dramatic story of hedgehog/human romance that caused so many a sick stomach. As far as I’m concerned, I never thought that Sonic needed to redeem himself. But if I had, then I would have forgotten about all that right in an instant, as Sonic Generations has improved the azure rodent in almost every way possible.

No matter how heinous his past crime, Sonic the Hedgehog is forgiven.

He played this card, presumably.

The Thick of It

What it boils down to is that Sonic Generations is Sonic Colors and Sonic the Hedgehog 4 tied together with some rainbow-colored twine. It takes elements from every Sonic the Hedgehog game ever released in some shape or form, even if some of those elements are so vague that you won’t even realise they’re there until someone tells you.

Even the music choices can be vague. During the race challenges, for example, the default music is a remix of “Super Sonic Racing” from Sonic R. Not obscure enough for you? Well how about this: that remix contains audio from a 1996 television commercial for the Sega Saturn.

Sordid Revolutions has a far more incredible and memorable choice of stages than appears on paper, though I’d argue that, with each Sonic game represented in a level, a few alternative zones might have been much better suited for this game. There are definitely much more interesting levels in Sonic Adventure than the featured choice, Speed Highway. Saying that puts me on the spot to prescribe a better one, though.

Saying “Lost World” would have had me shot for sadist intentions, so the only other suitable choice for Generations is Twinkle Park. Inclusion of this stage would have made perfect sense, given all that the developers would have had to work with: the driving, the rollercoaster, the park attractions, and even what would happen if Sonic were finally allowed into the Fakery Way.

Moreover, they could have implemented a chase sequence where you escape from a bag of bolts.

“I may be a chunk of cheesy hardware, but imagine what they could have done with me!”

Sonic the Hedgehog 3 & Knuckles being represented entirely by Sky Sanctuary, I cannot complain about. That said, Sonic the Hedgehog 2 could have used a better level than Chemical Plant. You know…Wing Fortress, anyone? Not only is Chemical Plant in Sonic Generations, but the battle with Doctor Eggman in the Eggman Robot and Casinopolis appear in the game, too.

Casinopolis Zone is represented by a pinball-table level, which is interesting but pretty much plain pinball. Worth note is that this DLC already exists on the game disc in its entirety and is unlocked by download, stripping Sonic Generations of the perfect score that I would have loved to bestow upon it.

HEY GUYS, STOP RESTRICTING OUR ACCESS TO CONTENT ALREADY ON THE DISC. WE OWN THE DISC; IT IS OUR RIGHT TO ACCESS THIS CONTENT!

Point made, moving on.

Maybe They’ll Find Their Niche, Resort to “Wisp”

Each stage in Generations can be played as both the “classic Sonic” and the “generic Sonic,” each with their own abilities, traits and moves that allow them to traverse their entirely separate environments. Classic Sonic has classic 2D stages, while generic Sonic has a combination of wide open, linear and sideways sections.

Lost were the opportunities where Sonic Team could have had the classic and generic Sonic characters meet at the end of an incredible stunt, implying that the two of them are playing the levels in tandem. Although, part of me is glad that they didn’t do this. Keeping the levels separate is what makes Sonic Generations more accessible and more enjoyable—knowing that it’s like playing two games based on the same premise, rather than one long game with double the levels.

Sonic Generations would get boring quickly if you were only playing as the classic Sonic. He is slow, sluggish and slothsome to control. Just like on the Genesis, by the way. This analogy works best: have you ever gone to the supermarket and left with a cart full of groceries? Once the cart is full, it’s almost as though it has a mind of its own, veering off to one side.

That’s what classic Sonic feels like at all times.

That said, if generic Sonic was the only playable character in Sonic Generations, I wouldn’t have been disappointed at all. It seems like Sega borrowed his physics, movement and speed directly from Sonic Colors. I am impressed by everything in Colors. The visual direction, the quality of the graphics and the feel behind Sonic and his moves. On the downside, the Wii still cannot output high-definition, making Sonic Colors cursed to be standard definition to the masses.

If you just own a Wii and are disappointed that Sonic Generations didn’t come to your system, then get Sonic Colors if you haven’t already. You can just imagine you’re playing the best parts of Sonic Generations.

Before Sonic “Colours,” there was only Sonic Monochromes.

As for the content in Sonic Generations, you’re getting everything besides the kitchen sink. (I don’t think I’ve found one of those in the game yet.)

For each stage, there are two acts. Then there are five challenges per act, making ten challenges per stage. With nine stages, there are ninety challenges. Impressed yet? And these levels aren’t wimpishly developed, either; they’re carefully constructed and based around power-ups and skills that can be earned by completing them. There’s something almost impossibly addictive about completing challenges to unlock the bonus music tracks, concept art and skills.

Each act and challenge are rank based. Depending on how well you’ve scored, you can earn an S Rank, which is the completionist’s rank for this game. To get an S Rank on a challenge, speed is all that matters; you just need to quickly complete a level without dying. Some S Ranks are easier to get than others, but once you’ve played the level a few times you’ll know what to expect.

Also, Sonic Generations covers generations of bosses. Besides those bosses that appear from previous Sonic the Hedgehog games as the main story bosses, there are also rival battles against Shadow, Silver and Metal Sonic. All of these need to be beaten to finish the story, and they add even more depth to the game.

Racing against Metal Sonic and Shadow is wonderful, but when it comes to Silver the Hedgehog, it’s a different story. While Metal Sonic and Shadow are left merely incapacitated at the end of their battles, Sonic cheerfully murders Silver.

This can only be interpreted as being an apology for “IT’S NO USE.”

Mr. Sonic, sir… Isn’t crushing Silver with a megaton of rubble going too far?

Congratulations, you killed one of your own species really fast!

Power-Hungry

Unfortunately, Sonic Generations has a very short and barren story. It can be beaten not only in an evening, but in a single sitting (clocking in at well under four hours). The brunt of the leftover experience is spent collecting Red Rings and completing challenges. The story is fairly well written and is almost non-stop poking fun at some of Sonic’s worst games. Overall there isn’t anything remarkable about the story, though.

To my disappointment, there were absolutely no jokes about Sonic the Werehog, as far as I could tell. I do swear they made a reference to Secret Rings or The Black Knight, but I can’t recall what it was off the top of my head.

Sonic Generations is an undeniably exceptional game, especially where past efforts are concerned. But this praise comes with a price—you need to play this game on a console, rather than on the PC like I did.

The PC version is very annoying in all aspects, especially the configuration and machine specifications. If you’re slightly under the minimum specification for RAM, there will be jerking movement and minor short freezes on any level with an abundance of smoke effects.

It doesn’t matter that your graphics card is shit hot.

It doesn’t ruin the game experience at all, but it caused my character to die unnecessarily a few times, so it bears mention. This computer runs The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim on Ultra settings, and it can’t handle Generations properly. You heard it here first: a resource hungry Sonic the Hedgehog game. Usually they’re only starved for attention.

The PC version also suffers from poor controls, which can only truly be fixed by using a Microsoft Xbox 360 Wired Pad (or Wireless Pad if you have a suitable reciever). All the in-game buttons and commands refer to the Microsoft controller. Saints Row 2 had this problem with the PC port, but on the flip-side at least this port doesn’t look like total bloody crap.

The PC version treats the d-pad and analogue stick of any PC gamepad correctly, so the game is playable with any third-party controller. A decent USB gamepad is easy to find nowadays and fairly cheap, and it’ll provide a much more enjoyable experience than playing with the keyboard.

This game should keep any Sonic the Hedgehog fan satisfied. Through prostituting the past and profiting at present, Sega are paving the way for the future. With this fantastic game that any platform gaming aficionado should try, Sega can finally convince everyone that Sonic the Hedgehog is once again relevant.

If they had fixed the controls and allowed us to tweak some of the special effects, this game could have scored even higher. I can appreciate all of the brilliant things Sonic Team has tried this time around. Everything is as it should be, more or less flawless.

If you’ve ever created a custom character in a Bethesda game, you know that you can meticulously adjust your character’s eyes, skin tone, cheek bone structure, and other things. While Fallout 3 hosted a large quantity of beards, it still felt somewhat limiting, not to mention that New Vegas didn’t add any new beards. Why not throw in a few Tex-Mex beards? There were many styles, but there were all short, 2D beards. If I want to look like Grizzly Adams, then let me do it! If my beard gets caught in some chain mail armor, then so be it. Hell, let me enchant my beard to increase my personality rating, just like they do in real life!

The games have a fair amount of hair styles, but the problem with hair is that it’s obstructed by your helmets; an epic beard would always be visible. Skyrim will be on current-gen systems, so they should have taken the time they usually take to target a new game system and enhance the beard system. Hopefully they’ll hire on some beard consultants to get the intricacies of beard physics down pat.

Skyrim is scheduled for release on 11/11/11.

• Everyone’s first RPGs
• How Paul pronounces “Mario“
• RPGs aren’t what they used to be
• Neither are most other games
• Leveling is fun; grinding is not!
• GameCola has a Facebook page?!
• SPOILER: The butler kills Santa Claus
• Everyone misses Sprite Monkey!
• Are cross-genre games a good idea?
• Everyone e-mail Paul Franzen about World of Warcraft
• Wikipedia defines RPGs as “Loosely defined“
• There aren’t enough beards in videogames
• Magic Pengel is a great game
• Christian Porter is a terrible person

WARNING: This podcast does not include discussions about Phoenix Wright relationships. Sorry, everyone! The two remaining people who are still going to listen to this podcast, please enjoy! Thanks for always being there, Mom and Dad!

Special bonus! As mentioned in the podcast, if you e-mail us at podcast@gamecola.net, we WILL make fun of you on the next podcast! So, get to e-mailing!

GC Podcast #29

(You can also listen or subscribe to The GameCola Podcast on iTunes by clicking here.)

In an early episode of

Forgive me, my dear readers, but after playing Enchanted Arms, I don’t think I can go back to playing Xbox Live Indie Games. You might’ve seen this coming, considering how I described the game in my review, with phrases like “one of my new favorite videogames,” “I had the freakin’ time of my life,” and “as he beckoned toward me with his throbbing, engorged, magically possessed right arm, I felt the waves of passion finally overtake me. ‘Atsuma!’ I cried, not sure if it was in pleasure or in pain. ‘Take me! Take me now! Show me now what that arm of yours can really’”–you get the idea.

Since I’ve played Enchanted Arms, I now, officially, know what fun feels like, and I don’t want to spend any more time on the joyless monsters that permeate the Xbox Live Indie Games service.

Which brings me to Try Not to Fart.

Yes, this is an actual game that actual people have ACTUALLY PAID MONEY FOR! Not only that, but—and I swear I’m not making this up—Try Not to Fart is one of the top-selling Xbox Live Indie Games right now. I think I speak for the entire sane population of the world when I say…what the crap? The game’s like Beavis & Butt-head, but minus all the clever wit. It has all the charm of a staunch Republican, and yet, somehow, people are spending their hard-earned pretend Microsoft money on it.

As much as I’d like to stop wading through all the pudding in order to promote the few decent Xbox Live Indie Games that exist, I can’t. If I did—and I don’t think I’m exaggerating too much here—people would stop making good videogames forever, since they’d realize they can make just as much money, if not more, by making games about the things that come out of their butts. And that’s not the kind of world I want for my future children. Or for you.

Or for America.

And so I toil.

War of Words

War of Words is basically what would happen if someone took Puzzle Quest, excised all the parts I didn’t like, and replaced them with a dictionary. (Which may sound boring to you, but ba-da ba-ba-ba, I’m loving it, as I’m someone who minces words both professionally and for pleasure.) It’s an RPG/puzzle game/word jumble hybrid where you have to use proper spelling to defeat goblins and try to rescue your helpless female relatives, who I guess do not know enough words to fend for themselves.

Each battle plays out kind of like a stage of Tetris: both you and the monster have random letters crawling up from the bottom of the screen, and you have to use those letters in order to spell out words in order to damage your foes. The bigger the word, the more damage you do, and if your crawling letters reach the top of your screen, you take massive damage and are forced to play Try Not to Fart.

If you were that horrible child in English class who’d remind your teacher when she forgot to administer the spelling test, you’ll probably get a kick out of War of Words.

Moon Taxi

Do you like audio books? Wouldn’t it be great if audio books were a videogame? That’s basically the premise of Moon Taxi—you’re the pilot of a taxi that takes people from the Earth to the Moon, and the whole game is listening to people’s stories while you try to collect words and not crash into asteroids. That’s actually the entire extent of this game’s gameplay, and I’m not complaining; I enjoyed how relaxing this game was. Though, I gotta think most people would be bored out of their minds, since the game is about as interactive as a chefoo.

I know the developers are currently working on a Part Two, and I’d like to see them advance the Moon Taxi concept a bit. Specifically, instead of short stories by independent writers, I’d love to see the game tackle public domain stories or even novels. I’d be much more likey to read Tom Saywer if I didn’t actually have to read Tom Saywer.

Of course, if they’re looking for more new stories…*ahem*: “My chest heaving nonstop and my alabaster skin quivering with fire and desire and raw sexual energy, I threw back my head in pure elation! ‘Atsuma, oh Atsuma! I don’t know where you learned to do that with a golem, but don’t ever stop! Don’t ever…oh! Atsuma! My magicore is yours for the taking!”

Gentlemacho

Gentlemacho is based on early 1900s silent films, and it’s about a man and his completely badass facial hair. SOLD. THE END. NEXT GAME.

One day, this man, this…gentlemacho (because he is a gentleman, but he is also macho) is drinking his morning tea, and he notices a strange strand of hair floating around in his cup. Before he can say “I was much more interested in The Avengers when I thought Edward Norton was going to be in it,” he hulks out, and his chesthair becomes sentient, grows its own beard, and instructs him to seek out the four freshest places on Earth in order to conquer body odor.

I’m serious—that’s actually what the game is about! It’s a platformer in which you can “control and extend your body hair as you please” (by the way, I now have a new answer for “if you could have any superpower, what would it be?”), allowing you to smack birds with your armpit hair and kill bears with your mustache. It purports to be the manliest game ever, and I’d be hard-pressed to disagree (after all, they haven’t made a game about my beard yet).

The controls are hard to get used to and the platforming is very Diet Coke, but your chesthair has its own beard, and you KILL things with it. Man, forget Enchanted Arms; bring me my enchanted beard!

Decay: Part 1

Decay opens with a cutscene of you hanging yourself, and when you take control, you’re in your bathroom, apparently OK. OR ARE YOU? Did you survive the hanging? Did you die? Was it all a dream? Did you forget to turn off the chefoo? You’ll never know, because this $3 game ends about 25-30 minutes after you’ve started, just as the game’s gotten going, but before it’s actually gotten good.

It’s a first-person point-and-click adventure game, kind of like a Nancy Drew game, except with fewer sassy female detectives, and more dead people screaming at you. It has a mix of both inventory- and environment-based puzzles, and it’s cursor-driven, meaning that professional adventure game developers will think it’s outdated and broken, and people who actually play adventure games will very happy.

If this were anywhere near a full game, I’d probably recommend that you check it out; but it doesn’t even feel like the full Part One of a game. I spent $3 on Decay, and I actually felt ripped off by it; after all, I could’ve used that money to buy Gentlemacho three more times.

Attack of the Verbose Dinosaur

Attack of the Verbose Dinosaur allowed me to fulfill a dream. That’s not something I can say about many videogames, with the obvious exception of Charm Girls Club: Pajama Party, which allowed me to fulfill my dream of one day being a teenage girl. The game is a cross between Rampage and your English class; it has you spelling out words on the sides of buildings in order to destroy them and kill everyone inside. Now, I’m not usually one for senseless violence, but this violence is actually pretty sensefull. Why? Because, the people inside the buildings, they…typ…lIk… DIS.

KILL THEM ALL!!

Yes, in Attack of the Verbose Dinosaur, you—FINALLY!—get to punish people for typing in text-speak, which is now my favorite videogame concept of all time. Unfortunately, the game takes that winning idea and mars it with one big mistake: It forgets how completely boring Rampage is. (Which is an honest mistake that anyone could make; how many times have you started up Rampage, thinking it’s going to be super great, and then quit five minutes later when you remembered that you could be doing something, anything, anything else?)

But that’s not the only problem. If you misfire, there’s no way to take your letter back from the building. (Or at least, I didn’t see a way to do it during the 10-minute trial.) It’s stuck to the side of the building, forever, and if you can’t figure out a way to make a word out of it, you’re pretty much stuck waiting for the timer to end so you can just lose the game. (To be fair, that’s actually my normal strategy in competitive gaming.)

A shame—if this game’s story had the gameplay of War of Words (or, conversely, if War of Words had the plot and/or dinosaur of Attack of the Verbose Dinosaur), it might just be a contendor for Game of the Year. (Especially now that Telltale’s Back to the Future is definitely going to be a hidden objects game about hippies.) Ah well!

The movie starts with a random orphan boy named Dastan, who is caught stealing an apple in the marketplace. He escapes the guards in an exciting chase sequence, then meets with Princess Jasmine in order to get the genie’s lamp, and–I’m sorry, that’s what happened in Aladdin.  What happens in Prince of Persia is that the Persian King is super-impressed by Dastan’s mad acrobatic skills and adopts him right then and there.  Kings adopt orphans all the time, you know.

The movie skips ahead fifteen years, when Dastan is super-buff and likes to wear unbuttoned/sleeveless shirts.  He has now won four Olympic gold medals for gymnastics, so his acrobatic skills are at their peak.  Of course, Prince shows off all of his fighting skills in a number of extensive action sequences while the Persians capture a city. As you would expect from an action hero, Prince single-handedly defeats hundreds of bad guys and gets his hands on the elusive Dagger of Time.

Things get interesting when they meet the beautiful princess who runs the city: Princess Cleavage.  She and Prince share the same aversion to clothing, so it should be love at first sight for the two of them.  However, she feels compelled to make a cutting sarcastic remark about how she hates the Prince every 2.5 seconds, so their inevitable romance is delayed until the end of the movie.  I’m told this is a shame because Jake Gyllenhaal, the guy who plays Prince Dastan, is really good at romantic scenes.  He’s done a lot of work with them in other movies, such as Brokeback Mountain,  which Heath Ledger totally deserves a posthumous Oscar for.

The plot takes an unexpected U-Turn when the king is killed by an unknown person. The artist currently known as Prince is blamed for the murder, so he flees into the desert with Princess Cleavage.  After this, Prince fights a lot of soldiers, finds out about the Dagger of Time’s powers, learns the truth about who killed the King, starts a rebel alliance, gets involved with ostrich races for some comedy relief, falls in love with the princess, breaks into several heavily-guarded palaces, fights a crew of ninjas that don’t belong in Ancient Persia, goes back in time and saves the day.  Typical action flick material.

Actually, the movie follows the videogame pretty well, all things considered.  Prince does a lot of fighting and fancy acrobatics, he has a dagger that rewinds time, and he has to get the dagger to the hourglass before the villain can reach it.  That’s just like the game.  Sure, the other plotline–the one about the King’s death and the other princes–was made up just for the movie, but it’s a good enough story, and I went along with it.  Plus, the special effects team threw in a lot of small references to the games, which was nice of them.

Oh, and before I forget, the Prince of Persia looks just like Uncle Jesse from Full House.  I repeat: he looks just like Uncle Jesse.

I could not stop thinking about Full House while watching this movie.  Prince would be in the middle of an intense battle or something like that, and my brain would start shouting, “He’s got the same hairdo as Uncle Jesse!  The exact same hairdo!“.  Have mercy!  I noticed the Uncle Jesse hairstyle approximately fifty times in the movie.  Basically, every time there was a close-up of Prince, I was shocked by how much he looked like Uncle Jesse.  You’d think I would have gotten used to it after a while, but no.  My brain was stuck on permanent Full House mode.

This movie could have used a little bit of Full House fun, to be honest.  The comedy relief scenes are weird.  They star a fat guy who runs an illegal gambling organization that focuses on ostrich racing.  I don’t know if they were inspired by the episode where Kimmy gets a pet ostrich who attacks Uncle Jesse, but that’s a possibility.  In any case, Fat Guy makes a lot of humorous rants about  the government and bureaucracy forcing taxes upon small businessmen.  It was kind of funny, but it seemed ridiculously out of place.  I’m pretty sure ancient Persians didn’t spend a lot of time insulting President Bush’s economic policies.

GameCola fans will be happy to know that Prince of Persia is basically Beard Fest 2010.  This movie is jam-packed with beards of all shapes and sizes.  I truly mean that.  Every male character in this film has a beard, except for the bald guys.  You’ll see all types of facial hair, ranging from the standard beard to the scruffy goatee to the fuzzy, foot-long puffball.  Whenever they do a close-up on a character, his beard is always kept in full frame.  Take Prince’s brother, for example, the aptly-named Other Prince.  Close-ups of him look like this:

His beard is in full view.  His crown?  Half of it is off camera.  You get the sense that his beard is more important than his crown.

In conclusion, Prince of Persia is a decent-enough movie.  It doesn’t follow the game religiously, but there’s at least enough of a resemblance between the two that you can recognize it.  Other than that, the movie is your standard action flick, with a lot of fighting sequences, escape sequences, and big budget special effects.  If you like that sort of thing, I’d recommend this movie. If you just want to see Uncle Jesse on the big screen, that’s okay, too.

This makes the second videogame Paul has starred in, following the wildly popular testgame.exe, which has sold over 19 million copies this week alone.  Paul is hoping to build on the first game’s success.

“The main complaint we’ve received about testgame is the lack of beard,” Paul said in a press conference last Tuesday, which was attended by The New York Times, yours truly, and a rubber duck named Ernie. “People don’t want to see me clean-shaven. So the new game really focuses on the beard and all of its adventures. At one point, the beard grows out until it’s five feet long and gets elected President of China. It’s going to be awesome.”

The game will be rendered in top-of-the-line 8-bit graphics, which will hopefully not disappoint anyone.

Some of the major videogame companies have already reacted to the news. Sony reports that it has a new beard-based peripheral in development. Microsoft started delivering Xbox Live points to all unshaven gamers. Beloved Nintendo mascot Mario Mario gave a press conference insisting that he was still a member of the pro-mustache party.

“It’s going to be an exciting time for beard-lovers everywhere,” Paul said.  “This game will prove once and for all that beards are here to stay.”

Paul’s beard could not be reached for comment.

GameCola’s application to GDC was rejected this year, but we still decided to send an application to E3. After all, it says on E3’s registration page that ”Free admission to the exhibit floor is available to qualified industry professionals who register and submit their industry credentials by May 3, 2010.” Qualified professionals? That totally includes GameCola, am I right?

I filled out the first two pages of the application with no problems whatsoever. In fact, the application felt like it was made for GameCola, with all its specific questions we could answer. Web site name? Check. Gaming enthusiast, general media or specialized electronics? Gaming enthusiast. Beard or no Beard? Beard.

OK, I made that last one up, but still. It was a good sign that the E3 application was specifically designed to accept applications from gaming-based sites. I was feeling pretty confident about our chances of making it to E3.

Then I came to page 3 of the application, where they wanted us to print some things out and submit them by mail:

1. A copy of your driver’s license to prove you are over 18.
2. An article you wrote within the past six months, which shows your name, capacity, and the publication’s name.
3. A copy of your business card.

See what I mean about our chances? In order to show that we’re a legitimate web site, we need at least one article that contains the author’s name, capacity, and the GameCola logo. Well, that information is included on all of our articles! We’re so in! I mean, OK, maybe we don’t have business cards, but we’re rocking the other requirements, and besides, we can print some business cards up just for this occasion. What’s the last thing they want us to send?

4. A copy of the Web site’s business license or government issued documentation showing the business’s federal tax identification number.

Wait, what the? Federal Tax Identification Number? For a web site? Well, maybe our application can get in even if we don’t have IRS approval and…

Really? Our application got rejected because we don’t have a tax number? Even after we fulfilled all the other requirements?

NOT COOL, E3.

The only other way to get into E3 is to buy one of their pricey Expo passes for $400 ($500 for late-comers). E3’s slogan is apparently More Expensive Than the Systems We’re Promoting! Unfortunately, both those prices are way past our budget of $22, which is almost enough to buy an extra-large pizza. Minus the cheese.

…So, it looks like GameCola won’t have any live reporters on the scene at E3 this year. Darn.

I’m famous. It comes with the territory of running, editing, and writing for a website on the Internet. (It also doesn’t hurt that I require every GameCola writer to mention my name in every other article they write. If they include a picture of me, bonus points.) Because I’m famous, people often stop me on the street and ask, “Hey, aren’t you that GameCola guy?”¹ I nod, shyly, and after agreeing to sign their autograph book/P-Franz 8×10/private parts, the most frequent questions I get are:

1. Which one is Carl?
2. “Wow! Is that beard real?”
3. Can I touch it?
4. Please?
5. Why do you love Xbox Live Indie Games so much?
6. Please?!

I try to be polite, but, well, you know how it is. Anyway, re: XBLI, here’s the hot scoop: it’s because the people who make Xbox Live Indie Games sometimes do Neat Stuff. They’re not bound by the mores of modern-day professional game development; they don’t have to worry about things like investors, the ESRB, Metacritic, or whether their game will actually appeal to anyone. They don’t have to worry about making any sort of return on investment—they know they’re going to be making peanuts off of this game no matter what, so they’re free to just go crazy, experiment, and make something that no executive would ever agree to fund.

That’s how you end up with games like GoonyCru.

GoonyCru Day One

It’s hard to tell from the above screenshot, but this is a game about retail. Well, one aspect of retail, anyway; GoonyCru is basically the natural extension of the  Customers Suck! LiveJournal community (remember LiveJournal?). Where Customers Suck! is filled with retail horror stories of customers taking dumps on bathroom floors and smearing it all over the mirrors (this is true), GoonyCru asks the question: What if you blew up those customers with grenades?

I’m serious. This is actually what you do in this game. The story is this: Your store ordered a large shipment of golf balls, but whoopsies, the suppliers sent grenades instead! Concurrent with this problem, there’s a customer who needs to get something off of a high shelf. You, the bright, self-motivated go-getter, put two and two together, and soon enough you are launching your customers into the air with grenades. But watch out! If your customer takes too much damage, he explodes, his body parts fly all over the screen, you don’t get your annual bonus, and your children have the worst Christmas ever. (More on you ruining Christmas later.)

There’s a little more to the gameplay than that—for example, there are obstacles you have to avoid, like crazy men with chainsaws (what the hell store is this?!)—but the so basically is this: In this game, to progress, you have to navigate the levels by blowing up annoying customers with grenades. It’s the best game I’ve ever played in my entire life.

Word Duelist

Now, this is a game that wants to appeal to those select few who—like myself—think that playing with words is the most fun you can have besides blowing up annoying customers with grenades. It wants to be Magic: The Gathering meets the puzzles section of Highlights for Children, but it has one big problem: I’m pretty sure its dictionary is entirely made up.

For example, I was playing one minigame where, to win, using a group of assorted letters, I had to come up with a longer word than my opponent. I couldn’t see a single word in the jumble. You know what my opponent came up with? Chefoo. He came up with the word chefoo.

Chefoo.

After realizing that the computer had the ability to just invent words in order to beat me, the game transformed from “come up with a better word than my opponent” to “figure out what my opponent is typing, and then type it myself before he finishes.” Using this strategy, I was able to win 100% of the duels in this demo. I believe the game also has a two-player head-to-head mode, but for some reason, I couldn’t convince my girlfriend to tear herself away from Ace Attorney Investigations to play a rousing game of word jumbles with me. Well, I guess that’s her chefoo!

Santa Bomber

Michael Gray and I talked recently on The GameCola Podcast about why nobody ever makes videogames about Christmas. This game proves our point invalid, but I’m not upset, because putting on a big red suit and showing off my beard to small children has never been as much fun as it is in Santa Bomber.

Santa Bomber is basically Paperboy: Featuring Santa!. You’re flying in your sleigh on Christmas Eve, and you have to drop presents on people. The colors of the houses correspond with the colors of the presents they want (convenient!), and the number of lights on in the house corresponds with how many presents you’re supposed to drop. If you screw up a delivery, congratulations—you’ve just ruined some poor child’s Christmas. Also: ONE OF YOUR REINDEER IMMEDIATELY DIES. “Sorry, Rudolph!”

The best thing is that there’s no limit to the number of presents you can drop on a house; as long as you’ve reached the minimum, you’re set, Rudolph is fine, and Christmas is saved. This means that you can fly around being the BEST SANTA EVER, and just dropping an avalanche of presents onto every person’s house. And you can do this without any penalty whatsoever, because, just like in real life, Santa has an infinite supply of presents.

…Did I say that’s the best part of the game? I didn’t mean it. There’s another use for Santa’s presents, which is: dumping them on Bad Boys and Bad Girls and smothering them to death. And really, murdering annoying tweens is what Christmas is all about, isn’t it?

Soulcaster

If you’re inclined toward an NES-style RPG and don’t feel like playing through Dragon Warrior again, you could do worse than Soulcaster. (For example: You could play through Dragon Warrior again. Man that game stinks—and I say that mostly because I needed to use a strategy guide to figure out how to get out of the room you start in.)

Here’s what I liked about Soulcaster: Your character is a total weenie. Which, to be fair, is kind of the case for most RPGs, but here’s the shocking twist: This game actively embraces the main character’s weeniedom, instead of awkwardly making him out to be a chosen hero who, as soon as he picks up the legendary Sword of the Ages, turns into a total badass deathbringer.

No, in Soulcaster, your character is a total weenie, and he stays a total weenie. He never actually fights a single monster himself. Instead, he summons magical knights and archers and bomb-tossers to take care of the combat for him, while he hides behind them, or in dark corners, or maybe he pulls a face and says “BLARG! See, I’m a monster too! Please don’t hit me….” It’s great. Like how Light’s End revolutionized the RPG genre by removing all combat, Soulcaster revolutionizes the RPG genre by being a realistic portrayal of how a preteen douche would actually act in these circumstances, instead of romanticizing him and his whineyness and his drama bombs.

(Of course, I’m saying this, but I don’t actually know a thing about the main character in this game, or anything that happens beyond the first few screens. In fact, I’m not even sure the phrase “chosen hero” shows up at all in this game. I hope the developer isn’t reading this.)

(If he is, though, I’d like to tell him “thanks for making this game,” because it is quite a chefoo.)

1980s fallout shelter.

Remember when Elaine from Seinfeld didn’t want to open up her “vault” of secrets? Well, now she’s opening it. It’s Vault 101, and what comes out of it is you, some 19-year-old bearded man/woman, with the whole world in front of him/her (hereby referred to as him, because there are some cases in the game where characters do not use the appropriate pronoun). Oh, and what a world it is.

You see, the Communist Chinese have nuked the crap out of the Washington D.C. area. Whoops…thanks, George Bush. I guess we should have elected John Kerry 64 here. It’s the classic story of Dad runs away from home, and son must chase after Dad in a post-apocalyptic retro-futurist world. It’s the first time you’ve ever seen daylight, and the brightness overwhelms your character at first. After a few seconds, you pick up your 10mm pistol, tire iron, or whatever your weapon of choice is, and run away, killing the Capital Wasteland ruffians who murder anyone on sight, like those thugs in Terminator: Salvation.

Your mission is to find your dad, but more importantly, to do whatever you want. Help people, hurt people, sell salvaged junk, put live grenades in people’s pockets…the world is your oyster. A lot of people call this “Oblivion with guns.” My problem with Oblivion is that the story is boring and the magic system is very annoying, and to really succeed, you need to be good at specific skills. Fallout lets you play like you want.There’s a VATS system that turns the game from a fast-twitch first-person shooter into a turn-/statistics-based RPG where you can target specific body parts to cripple your enemy. Also, you can have one humanoid ally and your dog companion following you. Unfortunately they don’t really interact with you besides being a pack mule and helping you in battle, but it’s still good to have someone at your back.

You’re in an open world, and you can progress in the game however you want, and do whatever you want to do. After starting up initially and inputting your beard data, you can also choose you initial base stats, and take an aptitude test to determine your worldly “profession”; i.e., which skills are your main attributes (barter, energy weapons, pimping…OK not pimping, sorry). Most of this world is destroyed, but most of the major DC landmarks (Natural History Museum, Lincoln Memorial), are somewhat intact, so it’s a nice treat for anyone who lives in or has been to Virgina, Maryland, or DC.

Fallout 3 was winner of the GameCola 2008 "Most Beards" award.

In fact, I didn’t do many “main quest” activities until several hours into the game. Doing all the main- and side quests may take you around 90 hours, but that doesn’t include all the undocumented small quests, or the fact that quests can be completed several ways in some cases, given the Karma system. It also doesn’t include any of the DLC you can buy separately or get with the Game of the Year edition, if you’re so inclined. I can easily say that, for a single-player game, and perhaps any game at all, this has the highest replay value of all time. There’s just so much to do in Fallout 3.

There’s something for everyone: First-person shooter fans, RPG fans, beard aficionados (which I believe is 90% of the GameCola readers/writers). I can’t recommend this game any higher, and it’s probably as close to a perfect 10 as I’ll ever get. Just pick the damn thing up. You won’t be disappointed.

You'll fight robots, mutants, and pissed off humans.