In an early episode of

It’s pudding time.

The Fall of Gods

From the Darkness shall rise the Light,

From the Light shall rise the Darkness.

It’s no “time flows like a river, and history repeats,” but it’ll do.

One of the easiest (and laziest) ways I’ve found to talk about indie games is to just say that something’s a crappier version of some other game you’ve already heard of. (To be fair, the developers themselves tend to do that, too—although they usually omit the word “crappy,” for some reason.) Lootfest, for example, is 3D Dot Game Heroes on a smaller scale; Chu’s Dynasty is just Super Smash Bros., except without any characters you’ve ever heard of. (These are of course both great selling points.) The Fall of Gods, then, is Secret of Mana, only with no co-op and an even worse translation.

The gist of the game is that—you might’ve been able to guess this from the name—the gods fell, and one man alone has the power to bring them back, or whatever. (I’m sure the rambly intro went into a little more detail than that, but when I started to see Fantasy Proper Nouns like “Eloh” and “Ergia,” my brain instinctively went into standby mode as a defense mechanism.) You need to hit things with your sword, collect all the magical artifacts, and then defeat the Great Evil. I wish I could go into more specifics than that, but the biggest problem with The Fall of Gods is how poorly written (or, more likely, poorly localized) the game is.

Here’s how to tell if your game needs a proofreader: If you don’t think you need one, you need one. (This goes for all forms of writing, actually; I adamantly believe that you shouldn’t even be allowed to tweet without someone looking it over first to make sure you didn’t screw it up.) I was so put off by the game’s apparent Babelfish translation that I couldn’t take in anything else about it. Which is too bad—the screenshots had me hoping and praying that The Fall of Gods would be the second coming of Secret of Mana; instead, it just disappoints as much as the actual Secret of Mana sequels. It feels like I licked a penny just to talk about it; blech.

Wizorb

Finally: the crossover we’ve all been waiting for!

…no, it’s not Professor Layton vs Phoenix Wright. We all know that’s never coming out in the U.S.

…no, it’s not Ninja Turtles and Ghostbusters; that already happened.

No, it’s the things fanfic dreams are made of! Dragon Warrior meets, of all things in the goddamn world, Pong, in this soon-to-be XBLIG classic.

The big innovations that Wizorb brings to the (tennis) table are 1) enemies wandering around the field; 2) spells you can cast to do things like break blocks, and break lots of blocks; and 3) little towns you can explore in-between levels, wherein villagers ask you for all your money. It also has—just look at the screenshot!—great style. So many indie games today try for that stylized “8-bit” look, but they’re only just calling it that. What they actually mean is, “I made this in MS Paint; that’s what old Nintendo games looked like, right?” They hide their lack of artistic talent under a guise of it being “retro.” Wizorb actually IS retro; the graphics ACTUALLY look like a (very high-quality) NES title, and the music and sound effects bring back happy memories of Mario 3 and Punch-Out.

I do think the name Wizorb makes it sound a little like a generic puzzle game, instead of an awesome RPG/puzzle hybrid—but, then again, I could say the same thing about Puzzle Quest, and that game did just fine without my criticism. This game makes Pong engaging in ways not seen since that horrifying masturbation minigame in Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude, and it shows that, with the right coat of paint, even the most dated of gameplay mechanics can be fun again. (Note: This trick does not apply to all forms of entertainment. I tried painting my cat once to make it more interesting, and after a very sad day I ended up having to buy a new cat.)

Also, while we’re talking about Pong fanfiction, here’s an excerpt from my latest romance novel: “The Passionate Paddles: Let’s Set a High Score Together!”

Blip.

The ball came toward me.

Blip.

The ball went back.

Blip.

The ball came toward me.

Blip.

The ball came back.

And then we made love for three days straight.

Hell’s House

YES. YES. YES. It’s been literally months since my last FMV adventure…which, if you recall, had the unexpected problem of having only about two minutes’ worth of actual FMV footage. You’d push some buttons, watch a scene, and then push the same buttons and watch the same exact scene. It was as fun as…normally, I’d say it was as fun as playing an FMV game, actually, but I guess that won’t work here.

Hell’s House is different. Sure, you end up watching the same footage over and over again, but that’s usually your own fault, not the game’s. It’s kind of like Dragon’s Lair—you watch a few moments of a goofy indie horror movie, and when certain Xbox buttons scroll across the top of your screen, you have to press them in order to keep watching. If you mess up, you start over. It’s thanks to mechanics like this that the phrase “KIDNAPPED?! My Daphne kidnapped again?!” has become an irrevocable part of my mindscape.

The big problem with Hell’s House is that you can’t really tell what the buttons you’re supposed to press actually are. They’re the same colors as the ones on your controller, but the letters are obscured by these weird skull symbols—so unless you have the buttons memorized, you have to keep glancing down at your controller to remember what the hell one “blue” is. Looking away from the screen like that kind of takes some of the fun out the game, considering that its entire purpose is to watch it.

Don’t get me wrong—Hell’s House is actually pretty cool, for what it is. A literal interactive movie. A more sincere and less David Cagey Heavy Rain, perhaps. Don’t expect Silent Hill or Resident Evil, and you won’t be disappointed.

DLC Quest

When you start off DLC Quest, you can only move your character to the right. There’s no jump button. There’s no animation, or music, or sound effects. You have a sword, but you can’t hit anything with it. Literally all you can do is more from left…to right. That’s IT.

…

Now, the developers could’ve just stopped right there, and they would’ve had a platformer that’s, if we’re being honest with ourselves, just as deep as most of the other platformers on XBLIG. But DLC Quest is no mere videogame; it’s a scathing commentary (or at least, a commentary) on the way today’s videogame publishers nickel-and-dime their own fanbase by cutting important content from games and then selling it later as “extra.” It’s a game specifically about buying downloadable content for itself.

…Not that you’ll actually be “buying” anything. All the so-called DLC packs are purchased through coins you pick up in-game. Want to move backwards? Purchase the Movement Pack, for five gold coins! Or, how would you like to pause your game? That’s another five gold coins, please! There’s also, of course, Horse Armor DLC, which costs a whopping 250 gold coins. (You get the subtle humor of that, right?)

I can’t remember the last time I had this much stupid fun with a game, without worrying if there were more productive ways I could be spending my time. It’s less than an hour long, and besides the gimmick, it’s a very basic platformer. But its cute jokes and clever critiques of the gaming industry still held my attention better than Skyrim, for godsake. DLC Quest may be a bit of a one-trick pony, but this horse of a different color never gets beaten dead, so don’t put it out to pasture just yet.

And now, another selection from “The Passionate Paddles: Let’s Set a High Score Together!”

Blip.

The ball came toward me.

Blip.

The ball went back.

Blip.

The ball came toward me.

Blip.

…But this time, the ball didn’t go back.

I didn’t let go. I couldn’t let go! Not this time. Not again.

As I held the ball tightly in my arms, I remembered her…her fine alabaster coloring, the sweet, sweet sharpness of her corners. She had four of them, just like me.

The pain of these memories was overwhelming…but the joy, even more so. It all came rushing back to me, like an unstoppable waterfall of pleasure through the cavernous hole that once held my yet-unbroken heart. A heart that beat only for her.

And then I noticed…something.

The ball I held so closely to my glistening chest…it bore a striking resemblence to my long-lost love. Or…at least it could, with a little imagination.

Why, yes. If I just squished it around in my hands (oh that felt good), and then flattened it out…the likeness was almost uncanny.

It only took me a couple of minutes.

Later that evening, as I turned the game off and settled into my warm bed with my pretend pixel maiden beside me, it was like she’d never really left me at all. And I didn’t even care who heard my passion that night.

At least I had something to live for now.

Remember when Super Mario Crossover came out last year, and we all thought it was real neat, because you could play as Link in Mario 1, or as Mega Man, or as…Contra Guy, with the gun?

Well shit just got real. Shit just got real real. Check out the life-changing event that is Abobo’s Big Adventure:

It’s coming for free to the Internets soon and here.

• Battletoads & Double Dragon
• Tinkle Pit
  

Listen as Alex Jedraszczak, Michael Gray, Michael Ridgaway, and Paul Franzen discuss such topics as  which Phoenix Wright characters should date which Professor Layton characters, Disney sing-alongs, and why Paul hates the original cast of Back to the Future. We also talk about crossover games we wish existed, and the recent marriage of Michael Ridgaway and Vangie Rich Ridgaway!

A screenshot from the new Professor Luketon game!

So, while you wait for Professor Layton vs. Phoenix Wright, you can listen to the podcast!

GC Podcast #32

Do you have a favorite crossover game, or one that you wish existed? Or, do you just have a topic you want to hear on the podcast? Or, maybe you’d just like to tell us all about how much you hate (or love!) Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull! If you have anything to say about the podcast, please, email us! Please?

Last night, me, Jeddy, Mike Ridgeway, and former GC staff member Michael Gray got together to record The GameCola Podcast #32, which should be coming soon to an Internets near you. The topic of the night was crossover videogames, like Professor Layton vs. Phoenix Wright, Battletoads & Double Dragon, and…ummm…

Apparently, Telltale Games is on the same exact wavelength as us, because today they released a new trailer for their upcoming crossover poker videogame, Poker Night at the Inventory, featuring characters from Sam & Max, Strong Bad, Penny Arcade Adventures, and some shooting game. You can check it out here:

Discussion topic: Can someone teach me how to play poker?

Anyway. Here’s a higher-quality version of the trailer Level-5 was showing off at yesterday’s press conference, and by higher-quality, I mean you can actually tell what’s going on now. AND IT’S WONDERFUL. (Also, it’s been translated and subbed, apparently by the same people who localized Enchanted Arms.)

Look for Professor Layton vs. Phoenix Wright to come out in 2016, because seriously, there’s still like three Professor Layton games that haven’t been released in the U.S. yet that we have to get through. HURRY UP, GUYS!

Topics in gaming news debated by GameCola writers and industry professionals.

In this edition of “Versus Mode” we have:

 
David Donovan vs. Matt Jonas

David Donovan is a current GameCola staff member who writes reviews, and this is his second appearance in “Versus Mode,” having written previously in NewbieMania II.

Matt Jonas is a current GameCola staff member who writes reviews and sometimes makes videos for our YouTube page, and this is his second appearance in “Versus Mode,” having written previously in NewbieMania II.

1. People should be punished for ragequitting online games.

David Donovan: I’ve always been able to laugh when I lose, or at least stare in slack-jawed amazement at just how badly I’m losing. Likewise, I laugh when other people ragequit, and then I laugh at the people who rage at the ragequitters, and so on until I’m left standing alone in the middle of an empty arena laughing to myself. Still, I wouldn’t complain if developers found a way to solve the ragequitter problem. I worry though that despairquitters or ennuiquitters may also get caught up in the purge. Perhaps this calls for a creative use of the Wii Vitality Sensor, but even that could still unfairly target the medicalemergencyquitters.

Zangief regresses to an infantile stage when faced with ragequitting.

Matt Jonas: I’m a really bad ragequitter, especially when it comes to Halo. This is because I suck at Halo. I feel sympathy for those who can’t get a single frag, because I’ve been there; I know what being the ugly duckling is like. But we’ve got to face it: When we ragequit, we make ourselves look bad. Seriously, that’s the sign of an immature person right there. We should stand up and accept the punishment for quitting.

The only thing I see wrong with punishment for ragequitting is if people with really bad connection issues are going to be punished for being disconnected by their awful routers. There has to be some way of identifying this, and at the same time identifying ragequitters that just drop their net connection and get away with no punishment.

2. The U.S. federal government should be allowed to regulate videogame sales.

David: I don’t have a problem with a government-backed ratings system…in theory. It certainly would have added to the thrill, knowing that at any moment federal agents could have kicked in the door and put an end to our underaged Mortal Kombat ring. But in practice, I know any ratings system will be run by clueless people who are only out to demonize the latest newfangled phenomenon which doesn’t fit into their generation’s “we walked to school uphill both ways through a snowstorm while being strafed by the Luftwaffe” experience. Whenever I try to imagine what an ESRB ratings panel looks like, I always envision two little old ladies, a Russian Orthodox patriarch, and an astronaut in full spacesuit sitting on folding chairs watching footage of Katamari Damacy with perplexity; and yet this is undoubtedly better than whatever the government could wrangle together. The creeping shadow of human mortality is our ally on this issue: it’s only a matter of time until the gaming-savvy generations make their way into leadership positions…assuming our parents weren’t right about all those videogames rotting our brains.

Matt: Look here, JoshHaloSnipes9×0, we’re trying our best to stop you from playing games that might be a bit too violent for you. Too bad you don’t understand that we’re only doing this with your best interest in mind. Well, ours too, as we know how impressionable you can be, and nutcases like you are the reason I have my cutlery under lock and key.

Let’s grasp this point for a moment here, Joshua: Age ratings are there for a reason. They’re guidelines, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have to treat them like actual rules. The age rating is there to protect you, protect us, and protect the developers who make the games. If Duke Nukem is dropping his pants to repopulate the human race, or Travis Touchdown is cutting people in half with a beam katana, then there is a general consensus that you really shouldn’t play games like this if you’re young. It’s the way of the world. Live with it.

3. Developers and publishers shouldn’t care about used-game buyers.

David: Obviously, developers and publishers should care about the effects of the used-game market, and consumers should slap the companies around whenever they overreach in their efforts to curtail secondhand sales. I’ve always suspected that if the companies could have gotten away with it, they would have sent out armed thugs to patrol the school playgrounds and break our legs when we loaned games to each other as kids. The publishers are going to win in the end thanks to the inevitable shift to digital distribution, but for now gamers should vote with their dollars—buy new when it’s worth it, buy used when it’s not, and buy something else when a company pulls shenanigans.

Matt: As much as I don’t agree with this point, it makes monetary sense to give stuff to the people who are actually buying the games new and sealed. I’m a regular pre-owned buyer, with most of my Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 library consisting of used games. I love it when instead of blowing the full £35-£40 on an Xbox 360 game, I can instead pick it up for next to nothing. When it comes to Gamerscore, so long as the game is cheap, I buy my validation for less.

But what if the game is all about the online? Then yes, online games should have special bonuses for people who buy them new. The pre-owned users should feel small because the people who bought the game new have a Sgt. Johnson character with four special guns on their sixteenth Prestige rank. If I buy a game for the online, I’m more likely to shell out a bit extra, especially if it will make me look better than everyone else!

 4. Square’s alleged “fatigue” system for Final Fantasy XIV is a bad idea.

David: My ideas regarding what would make a good MMORPG are highly unorthodox (e.g., no leveling system whatsoever), so it’s probably best to take my opinion with a grain of salt or while discretely edging away. If the fatigue system were used to encourage players to actually interact and form grandiose world-altering schemes rather than spend all their time grinding and farming, I think it would be a wonderful idea. But I doubt that’s what Square has in mind or has even designed the game to allow players to do, so I’m not really sure what they’re thinking on this one. Actually, that goes for just about everything Square has done for, oh, the last decade.

Matt: I used to play a free-server version of Ragnarok Online, and I remember people used to (on the sly) sell in-game accounts for real money. I understand there are fitness concerns behind this idea, but it’s definitely that Square doesn’t want people making money off of their game.

Weigh up the reasons why this has been done. If you haven’t guessed that this is to stop account sellers, then you’re really slow today.

For every MMO, there’s a guy with forty PCs running forty different accounts, running bots that level up on weak enemies. He makes a fortune from selling these accounts to players who are too lazy to do the work themselves. There are people who deal in selling rare in-game items. This fatigue system is an obvious attempt to stop people farming accounts to reap in the profits. So long as it stops Uncle Bob from making dirty money off of the game, then it’s a fantastic idea.

The problem rests with the danger time being so low. I understand that if you’re a paid subscriber, you’re not going to want to “pay to not play the game,” if that makes sense. So there has to be a way of knowing if you’re a farmer or a general player. Two easy ways:

1. Notice any odd behaviour like always killing weak enemies and rarely travelling between areas (classic bot behaviour).

2. Link accounts with credit cards or other details, to make selling them very difficult and easier to trace. Then your fatigue limit can be more like eight or ten hours, as opposed to two.

I’m not against the idea at all.

5. What other crossover games would you like to see?

David: I tend to shy away from the really wacky pairings (exceptions allowed for Bushido Blade Meets Party Babyz) and instead stick with characters who I could picture existing in the same world. For example, I think it’s about time they just admitted that Castlevania and Vampire Hunter D are actually the same series. I could also see F-Zero as being a sporting event which takes place in the Metroid universe, and at a stretch I’d allow Star Fox to be mixed in so long as there’s a 20-minute cutscene of Slippy Toad dying in the same manner as the Crocomire from Super Metroid. And I’d love to see some crossovers of the big stealth series (Thief and Assassin’s Creed, Metal Gear and Splinter Cell), but I’m pretty sure if done properly that would involve the characters not meeting each other.

Matt: First of all, I have got to say this—OHMYGODDIDYOUSEETHATTRAILER!?THISISSOOBVIOUSLYLITTLEBIGPLANETMEETSMEGAMAN!!OHMYGODITHINKI’MGOINGTOJIZM!

Sorry about that. Now that games have had a good two real decades to invent characters and series that we love, it is finally the time when crossover games can really have an impact. Intertextuality between games is far rifer than before (though with adventure games and first-person shooters it was always there). One step up from Sonic’s shoes and Earthworm Jim’s gun in a Donkey Kong Country game is to have characters cross over into different series.

Dante in Viewtiful Joe was very well received by gamers, and games like the Nintendo DS version of Track & Field give us cross-series characters competing against each other—but where the crossover wins over all others is when worlds and situations, as well as gameplay styles, are tied together.

In that sense, there are some pretty obvious crossover games I would love to see:

•  Shonen Jump All-Stars vs. Capcom: If you’ve played the Nintendo DS Shonen Jump games (either of them), then you’re aware that they are very good fighting games. Every character from the Jump manga lore is in there somewhere. Dream matches of Naruto versus Ichigo with Gintoki from Gintama on support are possible in the Shonen Jump games. So what is the next obvious step? Mega Man battling against Hollow Ichigo: that’s the next obvious step. Make. It. Happen. 

•  Psykio vs. Capcom: Other than a slew of pornographic mahjong games, you may know Psykio best for developing Gunbird, Gunbird 2 and the Sengoku games. When it comes to vertical- and side-scrolling shooters, I really enjoy Psykio shooters because they’re insanely difficult and very well crafted.

Capcom helped Psykio whilst developing the Dreamcast port of Gunbird 2, and as a result, Darkstalkers’ Morrigan Aensland appears as a hidden playable character. They also worked with Psykio for the Dreamcast game Cannon Spike, which carried a Capcom license and Capcom characters. What I would love to see is a shooter that changes from over-the-shoulder to vertical-top-down to side-scroller in pure three-dimensions, like an incredible next-gen Gunstar Heroes and Contra crossover, carrying characters from Psykio and Capcom licenses. When Marion and Baby Bonnie Hood are shooting down waves of robotic terrors whilst avoiding relentless streams of rainbow-colour bullets, you’ll be thanking me proper. 

•  Duke Nukem: Hail to the Keen: Like any other studly morning, Duke Nukem finishes making love to a pair of “Hot Asian Twins” (whom are probably named Fook Me and Fook Yu, after the twins in Austin Powers in Goldmember). When Duke flicks on the television to check his stocks in the K-TIT company, the television signal is highjacked by a mad scientist Mortimer McMire, who announces that he is going to destroy everyone of lower intelligence than himself. Duke knows that this Mortimer McMire is a threat to all the babes of the world, so he sets off to find him and annihilate him.

Meanwhile, Billy Blaze, now a world famous astronaut, is travelling back from a routine flight to Vorticon VI, when he receives the same message. Thinking that he had finally stopped childhood-rival Mortimer McMire in his plans, Billy Blaze once again becomes Commander Keen, and takes his pogo-stick and raygun with him to defeat Mortimer McMire once and for all.

Now how fucking cool would this be!?

Mario—yes, that Mario—has a legacy that some might deem epic. Yet, for all his fame and influence, Mario has rarely been celebrated in a way that is as epic as his legacy. That is why I have scoured the world (via my web browser) to bring you a collection of Flash games and animations that give Mario the epic treatment he needs because it gives this column a unified theme.

5 = EPIC WIN

4 = EPIC GOOD JOB

3 = EPIC HONORABLE MENTION

2 = EPIC INDIFFERENCE

1 = EPIC FAIL

0 = teh awsommest mario battel evar!!1! lolz.

Creator: Runouw

Interface: Keyboard, point-and-click (menu)

Description: A 2-D adaptation of Super Mario 64 featuring actual plot, no stupid camera angles, and the FLUDD jetpack from Super Mario Sunshine to save you from horrible deaths caused by a total lack of skill stupid camera angles.

Review: Effectively combining the creative charm of Super Mario 64 with the smart gameplay mechanics of Super Mario Sunshine, this game is a shoo-in for Flash Game That You’ll Love at First But Stop Playing Because Flying for Red Coins Still Stinks. The areas are fun to explore, and it’s nice to see a fresh take on the likes of Bob-omb Battlefield and Tick-Tock I Hate You Clock, but the levels become less inspired and the challenges become more frustrating as you progress toward that fabled status of 100% completion. Of course, I can’t completely verify this, because I accidentally cleared my browser cache halfway through the game and lost all my save data, and now I haz an epic sad.

Verdict: 3/5: This ambitious, epic-length game has a lot of great things going for it…but, like Legacy of the Wizard and a dead horse, it gets less fun the more seriously one tries to beat it.

Creator: Jay Pavlina

Interface: Keyboard

Description: The original Super Mario Bros. as it was meant to be played—as Mega Man. Oh, and I guess there’s that dude from Contra.

Review: I never much liked the original Super Mario Bros.—the repetitive gameplay is a little repetitive and the controls are looser than a Vulcan during pon farr. However, when you’re given the epic option of playing through each stage as Simon Belmont from Castlevania, Link from The Legend of Zelda, Samus from Metroid, blue man Bill from Contra, and even good ol’ Mario, you’ll remember how clunky and inelegant early NES heroes were and stick with Mega Man. No, really. It’s fun to dabble around with Simon “Jumps-Like-a-Thwimp” Belmont and Link “My Sword’s as Short as My Life Expectancy” Linkerson, but at the end of the day, it’s Mega Man who’s gonna rescue your princess. Of course, just after I wrote this, they released an updated version with the awesome-looking Ryu Hayabusa from Ninja Gaiden, but I suspect that he was already in the game and you couldn’t see him because he’s a ninja.

Verdict: 4/5: The character balance could use a tiny bit of fine-tuning (especially where powerups are involved), but that’s almost completely overshadowed by the fact that this is the most fun version of Super Mega Man I’ve ever played.

Creator: Randy-Solemn

Length: Epic (15+ minutes).

Description: The epic saga of the Mushroom Kingdom’s rise to power. There’s war, gore, and Goombas galore.

Review: The Internet paints a vastly different picture of the Mushroom Kingdom than Nintendo would have you believe. For years, Nintendo has been concealing the facts and avoiding the issues. It’s time you learned the real truth: You’re adopted. No, wait; I mean—at least according to the Internet, which is never wrong—the Mushroom Kingdom is not a happy land of whimsy and butterflies, but a land of Strong Language, Graphic Violence, Adult Content, and Contrived Character Death—and nowhere is this more evident than in the most epic of Mario videos. Rise spins a compelling yarn that completely justifies the shattering of my illusion that Koopa Troopas just fall asleep when you stomp on them and kick them off of cliffs.

Verdict: 4/5: If you’ve seen one epic Mario video, you’ve more or less seen them all, but Rise stands tall against its brethren because of its well-told story, fantastic action sequences, and the fact that I never bothered to finish watching anything else that might count as competition.

Creator: Celarent

Length: Short (1-2 minutes).

Description: A glimpse of Mario as viewed through rose-colored glasses…and if roses are red, then Mario’s a communist.

Review: This video gives a remarkably lifelike portrayal of what Mario would be like if he were A Real Communist Hero (CCP.I. Joe!), and if torso-sized mushrooms could bite your shoulder off.  Though not epic in length, there’s a palpable sensation of epicness about it. It’s tangible. Go ahead—just reach out and touch it. OK, stop it, you’re going to break the screen.

Verdict: Sorry, no rating this time. That would suggest inequality between videos. I’m just going to leave the number 4 here, and everyone can share it and make of it what they will.

Creator: Phendrana

Controls: Keyboard, point-and-click (menu)

Description: Tired of sitting on the sidelines as all the other 8-bit kids get selected to play through Super Mario Bros. Crossover, Mario does a little cross-dressing cross-overing of his own and arbitrarily picks fights with bosses he is woefully unprepared to battle from Kirby’s Adventure, Mega Man, Castlevania, Sonic the Hedgehog, and other games you’d much rather be playing.

Review: In theory, this game sounds epically magnificent: Humble ol’ Mario gets into something like three dozen scuffles with bosses from other video games. Unfortunately, I don’t mean that there are about three dozen bosses to fight—although that is true—rather, I mean you’ll have to fight each boss about three dozen times before you win anything. Mario might look like the precision-made jumping machine from Super Mario World, but he handles more like he did in the original Super Mario Bros., which is about as ideal for boss fights as swimming the English Channel on a bicycle. To add insult to constant fatal injury, various design flaws and oversights such as bosses with infinite invisible health bars guarantee that you will mistake the “Game Over” screen for actual gameplay.

Verdict: 2/5: The game has epic potential, but it’s just no fun to— it’s just— it’s just no— it’s just no fun to start over— jeez, would you let me— it’s just no fun to start over every three— OK, I hate you— it’s just no fun to start over every three seconds.

Well, it—hey, what are you doing here, disembodied voice from “Gamera Obscura“?

YOU’VE BEEN SITTING THERE FOR TWENTY MINUTES TRYING TO THINK OF A WAY TO END THIS COLUMN.

Ah. Clever.

DANG SKIPPY.

::ahem:: Hopefully that’s all epic enough to make up for the “Flash Flood” void that’s been with you since February. Think you’ve got a passable idea for the next column? Write a comment, e-mail me, leave your idea in a time capsule and have your futuristic descendants send it back to me via time machine; whatever.

“It was a simple decision to make,” said Archie Comics Head Editor W. Weatherbee. “We haven’t produced any Josie comics in years, because we’ve been too busy trashing the Archie Comics formula that’s worked for 50 years.”

Yeah, I have no idea how they read that and decided, “Hey, this seems like a good news outlet! Let’s keep them informed about what we do!” Sometimes, real news is so weird that I can’t fabricate it.

Anyway, the Archie folks just sent me the press release about their newest storyline, which, amazingly enough, directly confronts the problem that they haven’t produced any Josie comics in years.

Yes, coming this month, you can read Archie Comics #608 (slogan: We’ve been making comics so long even we don’t read them anymore!). Archie’s creatively-named band, The Archies, goes on tour with Josie and the Pussycats. It’s not long before Archie gives up on Betty and Veronica for Valerie Brown. For someone stuck in G-rated land, Archie is kind of a playboy, and [hilarious joke deleted because the Archie lawyers are super-uptight.]

Things get wacky when Archie asks for romantic advice from his friend Jughead, who—ha ha!—has never been on a date because he likes videogames more than girls! Then, things get even wackier when Archie’s girlfriends Betty and Veronica find out about the new girl. Then things get as wacky as possible when Archie does something stupid like ask all three girls out on a date…at the same time. Hee hee hee-larious!

Or there could be intense character development when it is revealed that Josie and Archie look so much alike because they’re cousins, but I really, really doubt it.

I just found out that this episode of the 1970 Josie show contains a character named Professor Layton. Sadly, he does not wear a top hat.

Of course, this counts as videogame news because there is an Archie videogame that has been in production since 2006. Here’s the trailer:

I’m sensing Game of the Year 2010 right now, folks! And of course, Crossover of the Year 2010, unless Rare surprises us with Banjo and Kazooie Meet the Simpsons this fall.

I love crossovers, I love Ninja Turtles, and I love this movie. Bring me this movie! I don’t care that the voices are all completely wrong, or that it might be poking a little too much fun at the original series, or that April O’Neil has apparently undergone plastic surgery to become a woman; bring me this movie!

According to the ever-reliable Wikipedia, the movie will premier on Saturday morning on November 15th on the CW network, after which, presumably, will come the DVD release, though the DVD doesn’t yet have an Amazon.com listing.

Sadly, the Ninja Turtles from this version of the franchise are not slated to make an appearance. (As far as I know.)