Pricing details will be available either before or after E3, but obviously some time before the system actually comes out. Many developers, press packers, and a few homeless people claim to have played or developed for the system, spreading rumors like a raging wildfire.

The Wii U may even be powerful enough to run Pac-Man, or Joust!

One anymous source claims that the Wii U will be twice as powerful as the Xbox 360, while another anonymous source (that I have totally just made up) claims that the Wii U will crap out rainbow cookies. I’m all for the latter. If the Wii U is only just capable of trumping consoles of this generation, I don’t have much faith in Nintendo to do any better than they did with the Wii.

So what does the Wii U have to offer us, besides an opportunity to “Taste the Rainbow” in HD? Capcom soot-sprite Yoshinori Ono seems to think that the system will do quite a few amazing things, some of which they won’t even be able to show on TV or print on the back of the game box! What, does it bleed all over your hands, or something? I can see why they’d keep that hush-hush.

Nintendo took their first annual loss in 30 years, last year. The 3DS must have been a flop then, seeing as the Virtual Boy and Pokémon were released in the last 30 years also.

Whatever Grin are planning to do with the Wii U, they will have to be cautious of the market and make the right moves. So long as those rainbow cookies are guaranteed, I don’t think we’ll ever need another console again.

The fans have gone completely crazy over the boxart and what it means. To save you time, I’m going to recap the fan discussion about all four characters:

1. Miles Edgeworth. The artwork for him looks just like in the other games, but some people are convinced that he looks completely different. Just examine his new, chiseled jawline. Check out the longer, smoother nose. Gaze in amazement upon his bigger-than-normal eyes. These are all small changes in his artwork, to be sure, but the overall effect is that Edgeworth is now much more attractive. Did he undergo cosmetic surgery, or is Capcom trying to sell more copies of the game by making the lead character better looking?
2. Kay Faraday. None of the fans had anything interesting to say about her.
3. Unknown Man. This unknown person with an afro and a fedora appears to be some kind of reporter. Some people think he will be a nice guy, because afros are cool and so are fedoras. Other people think he will be a minor antagonist, someone who will hassle Edgeworth in his quest for the latest big news scoop. Still other people think that this is really Detective Gumshoe, who got plastic surgery along with Edgeworth.
4. Judge Hakari.  The female judge is confirmed as Edgeworth’s main rival for this game. She is supposed to be a combination of “mysterious” and “gorgeous.” Everyone is interested in seeing what direction they are going to take this character. Emphasizing the “mysterious” part could work well; after all, the two mysterious Phoenix Wright characters are fan favorites Miles Edgeworth and Godot. If they emphasize the “gorgeous” part of her character, she could end up being a potential love interest for Edgeworth, but most likely, the shallow-minded producers will define “gorgeous” as “she has big cleavage,” just like in the other games in the series. If they emphasize the fact that she’s Edgeworth’s rival, that could also be exciting, because she’s a judge, so Edgeworth will have to do what she says, no matter what. What happened to Edgeworth’s other rivals, though?

The other news about this game is that the first case takes place at Gourd Lake. They’ve decided to try something new and make the first case really long, as opposed to making it a short, intro level. Four characters have been confirmed so far for this case, besides the Gumshoe/Faraday/Edgeworth trio.

1. The President of Zheng Fa. Don’t get too attached to this guy, because he’s the victim. I’m digging the purple outfit, though.
2. Female Reporter. Yep, another reporter. Either that, or Lotta Hart got an extreme makeover. Why did everyone get a makeover for this game?
3. The President’s Bodyguard. I’m guessing this guy is not a very good bodyguard, because he let his client get killed. He is a chess enthusiast, so he introduces the new Logic Chess gameplay element (hence the checkered tie).  The evil grin on his face and the gun in his hand make him look a little suspicious, in my opinion.
4. Shelley de Killer. Is he involved in the murder plot, or does he just want to eat his ice cream in peace?

This game will be released on February 3, 2011. The Japanese gaming magazine that released this information also had an article about Professor Layton VS Phoenix Wright, but it contained no new information, except for the fact that the Layton people are officially in charge of writing the script. Expect to see robots and explosions, in that case.

• The most anticipated game this week is Epic Mickey for the Wii. The game stars Mickey Mouse and his epic paintbrush, which he uses to paint brushes. Mickey will go head-to-head against his arch-nemesis, Kirby and the Epic Yarn, who totally stole the “epic” videogame title. Many rare Disney characters have been confirmed for this game, such as Clarabella Cow, Oswald the Happy Rabbit, and the entire cast of The Black Cauldron.
• Deadliest Catch: Sea of Chaos is another war game, in which King Neptune and his legions of mermaids declare war on humanity. It’s the global battle that humans are unprepared for, and it features five different classes: mermaid, whale, shark, dolphin, and Spongebob Squarepants. Can you defeat the humans, or will King Neptune’s plans get soaked?

• Golden Sun: Dark Dawn is the latest mystery game for the DS. The mystery? Trying to figure out how it can still be dark at dawn when there’s a golden sun. Weather-based mysteries are really the only way to go nowadays, you know? Early reviews say this game has way too much dialogue, but all of those reviewers use Twitter. Coincidence? I don’t think so.
• The game description of WinX Club: Rockstars is as follows: “you help fairy friends as they head out on an adventure to swap their magic for guitars and microphones to create a rock star frenzy on stage.” I am not making this up. That is the actual game description. I think this could be our 2010 Game of the Year.
• Hello Kitty Seasons is the first Hello Kitty game for the Wii. OK, forget what I said about WinX Club: Rockstars. This is GameCola’s Game of the Year for 2010.

• Dead Nation is an edutainment game about the Ancient Mayas. Unravel the secrets of a lost civilization and learn all about their ancient culture through multiple choice quizzes. It’s not the most exciting game ever, but at least the computer-generated backgrounds look nice.
• Create is a game that is very, um, creative. Unlike this bullet point.
• RUSH is the first of many Big Time Rush games, based off the popular band/TV show. Join Logan, Carlos, the other guy, and the other guy in their wacky adventures in Hollywood. It’s a text-based game for the iPad that lets you recreate episodes from the TV show, complete with screenshots and occasional video clips. It’s not a very good game, because it’s low-budget and a major rush job, but it should satisfy fans of the series.

Well, those are the new games this week!  Fairies, King Neptune, and Big Time Rush.  It’s an epic list of epic games for the epic week of epic…ugh.

Breaking Fabricated News, folks! The new Miles Edgeworth game that we reported on earlier is definitely going to be called Ace Attorney Investigations: We’ve Got the Funk!

Don’t believe us? Then check out this fabricated trailer, which proves the game will give you all the Ace Attorney funk you could possibly ask for!

Get ready for funky fresh gameplay and an overload of afros when this game comes out in Japan in 2011! Then wait nine months for them to translate the game! Then wait another three months as the release is delayed until 2012! Just like the last Edgeworth game!

• The biggest release is Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep for the PSP, part of the popular Kingdom Hearts series where you play as various Disney and Final Fantasy characters. Clearly, the Disney character in this game is Sleeping Beauty, who is apparently giving birth and…ugh, I don’t even want to think about what that title refers to. Next!
• The next-biggest release this week is probably Mass Effect 2 DLC: Lair of the Shadow Broker. I’m told it is about a girl named Liara, who likes to go to Mass every Sunday, so she can pray for Effective DLC. Eventually, she goes to see a stock broker, who has been hiding in the shadows ever since the economy died, and he helps her purchase a new name. It’s a happy ending for everyone!

• There’s Amnesia: The Dark Descent, a game about ex-sailor Bathless Groggins, who gets amnesia while going down a slide at the local park. Wacky hijinks follow as his Scottish friend Haggis McBagpipe convinces him that he’s the President of the United States. It’s a good premise for a fun family game, but sadly, the brightness setting for this game has been turned way too low, so you can barely see anything at all.
• We also have Kung Fu Rider, a game which does not star Ook and Gluk, the Kung Fu Cavemen from the Future. Instead, it features bad PlayStation Move controls, and wait, what?? A PlayStation Move game?
• The PlayStation Move has apparently been released when we weren’t looking. This is astonishing news, considering that Wikipedia says the PlayStation Move won’t be released until next week, and…no, wait. Forget that. The PlayStation Move has not been released yet. It’s just that the Kung Fu Rider people decided to release their PlayStation Move game before the PlayStation Move has been released. So…they’re releasing a game for a system that doesn’t exist yet. Something tells me this might not be the best idea ever.
• Speaking of PSM games, we also have Sports Champions being released this week. It’s a game where you can use the brand-new motion controllers to play a bunch of sports like archery, table tennis, and, um, that sounds just like Wii Sports Resort, which I’m sure is a comparison that no one else in the history of the world has ever made before. This game has a few new motion-sensor sports, though like bocce ball, which is a sport now, even though it requires about as much physical activity as turning on your TV does. 

Yep, the controllers still look like lollipops. Just double-checking.

• Another game is Dragon Age: Origins DLC: Witch Hunt. The tagline says that you “confront Morrigan in this dramatic conclusion to the Origins storyline.” Clearly, Morrigan has stolen our hero’s sandwich or something like that, and he needs some confronting. As the DLC goes on, it becomes apparent that what Morrigan really needs is some comforting, and he ends up dating a witch named Morgan Morgin. The two of them get married in San Francisco, because practically anyone can get married there nowadays.
• Finally, there’s Recettear, Aion: Assault on Balaurea and Otomedius Excellent, none of which can be successfully pronounced.

And that’s it for this week, by jingo! Stay tuned for next time, when we have an exclusive interview with Shigeru Miyamoto! Unless our head reporter finds a quarter this week, thereby doubling his annual paycheck. In that case, we probably won’t have any more reports for you.

Recently, the Chief decided that we need to be more professional, so he ordered us to write on “the effect of current advertising trends on videogames.” No joke. Last week, we reported on a company that went to extreme (i.e. stupid) lengths to promote a Facebook game. This week, we’re bringing you…

Current Advertising Trend: Overpromotion

You can trust us because we wrote it in big, authoritative letters. The current advertising trend is to overpromote your product to ridiculous lengths, by claiming it can do all sorts of things like “cure various diseases,” “lose weight easily,” and “fix the economy.” We are also seeing a lot of products which are in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS in order to get more attention, like the movie AVATAR (slogan: The Greatest Adventure of All Time) or the TV show JONAS.

No, wait, I’m sorry; I’m told that’s not the entire name of the show. I meant to say “Disney Channel show” JONAS.

No, wait, I’m sorry again. I meant “Disney Channel Original show.”

No, wait, I’m sorry again, by jingo. I mean “the Disney Channel Original Hit Show, which is now the Disney Channel Original Sensation,” JONAS. It’s so awesome that Season Two of the show is not called JONAS Season Two, because that would be lame. Instead, it needs MORE CAPITAL LETTERS to signify the awesomeness that is the Jonas Brothers’ show. That’s right, it needs to be called JONAS L.A.

Stay tuned for season three—I mean, season three of the WORLD-WIDE, BLOCKBUSTER EXPERIENCE—which will probably contain even more capital letters. Rumor has it that it will be called OMG LOL JONAS L.A. Ph.D BBQ.

Effect on Videogames

Videogames are not immune to this trend of overpromotion. We are seeing more and more videogames that have unnecessarily long titles that promote the product instead of describe it, just like the Disney Channel Original Sensation JONAS L.A. The worst offender is the upcoming Professor Layton game, which has been retitled The Incredibly Logical Professor Layton and His Awesome Time-Travelling Adventures in Which He Travels Through Time, Starring the Incomparable Professor and His Spunky Young Apprentice Luke, As Enjoyed by Millions of People Worldwide.

The ALL CAPITAL LETTERS method of getting attention has been popular with videogames for a while now, thanks to HALO, MYST, and GTA. In fact, the only company that does not use all capital letters in product names is Apple Electronics.

Finally, videogames are also following the advertising trend of making ridiculous claims like “cure various diseases” (Trauma Center), “lose weight easily” (Wii Fit), and “fix the economy” (SimCity). In conclusion, videogames are overpromoting just like everyone else, and I hope the Chief is happy with this article so I can get back to writing about more normal topics.

No, wait, I’m thinking of ”Captain Eric’s Super Thumb Feature Presentation.” That’s a totally different column. This column is “Fabricated News,” the one where I talk about random things for no reason. In an unprecedented turn of events, however, I am actually going to talk about videogame news this week. That’s right! No more pseudo-news about Justin Bieber, just honest-to-goodness videogame news.

The first news story today reports that Justin Bieber will be starring in the upcoming Back to the Future remake, and, wait, I promised I would NOT talk about Justin Bieber! Darn. That promise didn’t last long. Anyway, the rumor was quickly proven false. Justin Bieber will star as Marty McFly in the upcoming Back to the Future videogame, whereas the upcoming movie, Back to the Future Part IV, will star Shia LaBeouf as Marty’s previously-unknown son. Rumor has it that the movie takes place seven years after the third one, when Marty has lost his lawyer’s badge and has become a drunken piano bum.

The second news story comes straight from staff writer David Donovan, who tells me that Metroid: Other M is being released this week, over two months after June 27th, the launch date we reported in our March preview. Why was the game delayed? Presumably, it’s because the game’s developers decided to remove the game’s motion controls at the last minute, after hearing the GameCola Podcast crew talk about how they dislike motion controls. Metroid: Other M will be played with the Wii-mote turned on its side, just like in Mega Man 10.

The third news story is that I have been fired for including too many links in my articles.

And finally, Amazon.com’s mailing robot tells me that they have to change my order for the upcoming Zelda Wii game, because The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword has been delayed! Surprise! Surprise! Honestly, I don’t know why Amazon thought the game was coming out so soon.

The original release date was listed as the last day of next year.

Clearly, the tentative release date of “eighteen months from now” that Amazon originally posted was far too optimistic. Now, the Amazon page for Zelda Wii has no release date listed. Oh well. I guess we’ll have to wait until 2012 before an official release date is confirmed.

See, there’s a videogame company in San Francisco named Zynga. After checking my sources (aka Wikipedia), I have determined that they made FarmVille and a number of other successful Facebook games that made the company $270 million due to their extreme popularity and (surprise!) illegal advertising methods. Their newest game is Mafia Wars: Las Vegas, which I’m guessing is based off the ending to Deja Vu II: Lost in Las Vegas.

The advertising plan they came up with to promote this game involved hiring Snoop Dogg to blow up an armored truck in Nevada. No, that is not fabricated news; they actually hired Snoop Dogg to blow up an armored truck with dynamite. Needless to say, Zynga is not known for its intelligent marketing decisions. This is apparent if you consider their advertising plan for San Francisco, which involved distributing flyers for the game in the shape of $25,000 bills. And by “distributing,” I mean “gluing to the ground.”

I imagine the advertising meeting for the idea went like this:

Marketer 1: People like money, right? Let’s make flyers that are shaped like money!
Marketer 2: But won’t the flyers blow away really easily?
Marketer 1: Not if we glue them to the ground!
Marketer 2: Brilliant! I can’t see any way that plan could possibly backfire!

No one was able to actually pick up any of the fliers in question, because, duh, they were glued to the ground. In fact, the city of San Francisco had to send a steam cleaner in to get the flyers off the ground and into the trash where they belong. The San Francisco City Attorney office is planning on taking legal action against Zynga and has already demanded full documentation from their marketing department. No charges have been filed yet, but I imagine they’ll be sued for defacing public property, counterfeiting, and littering.

Zynga responded with a prompt apology, offering to pay for all the city’s damages, and ha ha ha, I am joking. They are blaming a company called Davis Elen Advertising for the whole affair, because clearly, Zynga has nothing to do with advertising their own games. No one is sure what Zynga will do next during this legal drama, but given their track record, it will probably involve Snoop Dogg and a truck full of dynamite.

Justin promises that this game will be Bigger than other games; it will Never Let You Go and definitely make U Smile. I played the game One Time, and I was totally Stuck in the Moment. You see, when I was told I had to stop playing, it broke my heart for the first time, and I was like, “Baby, baby, baby, ooooh, I thought you’d always be mine.”

OK, I admit it: I went Overboard with this game. I really should be more Down to Earth.

I guess we should have seen this coming. After all, Justin has teamed up with Ludacris and Usher. Teaming up with Nintendo is clearly the next step to take.

My Gaming World will be released in March 2011. It is going to be rated “M” for “Mature,” so unfortunately, Justin himself won’t be able to play it. This is not expected to hurt the game’s sales in any way.

Now Okami fans have reason to rejoice, for the official sequel to Okami is being released on the Nintendo DS in Japan next month. The title is Okamiden: We Don’t Know How to Pronounce It, Either. Instead of starring Sun Wolf and Weird Talking Bug Buddy, it stars Baby Wolf and Japanese Girl Buddy.

Japanese Girl Buddy, who I’m pretty sure is called Midna, rides around on the wolf’s back as he goes around the world and defeats evil bad guys. Of course, Wolf Buddy, whose real name is long and hard to pronounce, has magical art powers and can make things appear by drawing them. For example, by using the DS touch screen, you can rub the stylus over a half-complete bridge to have Wolf Buddy draw the rest of the bridge in place. It’s just like the Frankendoodle episode of SpongeBob!

The Japanese release of this game can be purchased as part of a Special Edition, which contains a CD, a “Making Of” DVD, a set of wolf pawprint headphones, a plush keychain, a book, an art brush like the one in the game, a copy of the game, and a special box to hold it all in. There has been no official word from Capcom yet, but rumors are that the American release will also contain bonus material, such as a manual. The game is expected to appear in non-Japanese countries sometime in 2011.