Dodge this.

From first peek, Girl’s Dodge Ball looks like Dead or Alive Xtreme. This should have been ample reason to stay as far away as possible.

One interesting feature you may notice is that Girl’s Dodge Ball simply cannot be played. This game crashes before you can even imagine doing anything, as though it were a sentient lifeform ashamed of its own quality. It crashes constantly, consistently, in the same place. User reviews that point this out seem to vaporize from the AppStore. I doubt any company would hide their failures and fiddle with the scores to make themselves look better. It would be just as easy to fix the problems…right?

On the plus side, at least Girl’s Dodge Ball has the decency to stop all by itself. Dead or Alive Xtreme 2 expects you to press the guide button and quit of your own accord.

Who is Gilr, and does he mind me using his select?

There are constant spelling and grammatical mistakes, though nothing on par with the atrocities seen in Dino Cap 2. I didn’t know that illiterate teenagers crafted games these days.

Whatever “achivements” are, they sure sound exciting. The game tries desperately to cover the spelling mistakes by having advertisements appear at the top of the screen. All of the advertisements I’ve seen might have been for games I don’t want to play, but at least you can play those games.

Well, I’ll just select which “gilr” I want to play as. You know what? Maybe “gilr” isn’t a spelling mistake. These characters certainly do not look human. There’s also only two to pick from. It isn’t possible to unlock the others; doing so requires spending virtual money.

You can earn the virtual money just by playing, but whenever I go to start the game, a remix of Chris Rea’s “On The Beach” plays and the iPod crashes back to the springboard. You can also buy the fake currency by spending real currency. If I discover that anyone has actually done this, I will forcibly remove their brains through their arsehole. It sounds really painful, but it shouldn’t be too hard to do, seeing as their  brains must already be swimming in stools to begin with.

“Funny App Game!” Try again—it’s neither funny, nor a game.

Aren’t there any nice things I can say about this game? No, not at all; there is absolutely nothing that even remotely springs to mind. While we’re talking about reasons why this game is flawed fundamentally, might I draw your attention to the title, which should be written as Girls’ not Gilr’s or Girl’s? Unless it is about one particular specific girl’s “dodgeball,” which it isn’t. The game doesn’t even function, so it could be about a magical ball for all we know.

It doesn’t matter any that the game is free to download; if it doesn’t work, then it doesn’t work! I find this ironic, considering that the latest update “fixes some bugs.” And now, for the score…

But wait! I recently came into acquisition of an iPad 2. As if by a Toca’s Miracle, Girl’s Dodge Ball actually runs on that system (while in iPhone App mode). Unfortunately, it operates poorly and has a graphical error that makes it hard to read your score.

The game is surprisingly entertaining, though. Collecting the unlockables is fun, although everything can be won in about half an hour if you put your mind to it. You have to avoid multi-colored dodgeballs thrown at you by pink shiny robot ladies. The ease in which you earn virtual money destroys the whole point in spending real money anyway, which is good, because buying virtual currency is a sin.

When I play this game on the platform it was intended for, though, it crashes every time. So the score still needs to reflect this. I hate to be a spoil-sport, but I am sticking to my guns with this rating.

Happy new year. I’ve been catching up with all the gaming I’ve missed over the last few months, and what better way to do that than with my iPod Touch?

I no longer make those day-one Green Day: Rock Band- or Sonic Unleashed-style purchases. Since becoming a casual gamer, I refuse to spend big money on games. Previously, I would’ve been the first one through those GameStation doors for Beautiful Katamari; now I’m just scouring for freebies, gifts, or those one-day gaming deals you just have to take advantage of.

This is entirely because of the “AppStore,” the place where dreams are born and destinies are fulfilled—or something equally as fucking trite sounding.

You can access the AppStore from any iOS device (that is, any device running the touch-driven Apple operating system). The AppStore is an easy to use system whereby the user can purchase and download games and applications to their iPhone, iPod Touch or iPad.

Some of the games are incredible. From a glance, Gameloft titles could easily be mistaken for Xbox Live Arcade games. Eternal Legacy and Tintin are the most impressive that I have seen. Tintin actually looks better than its console counterpart.

Games are often discounted on the AppStore. Some are free—well, more than just “some.” There are a lot of free games on the AppStore. How many games has Microsoft given you for free? Maybe two a year, if you’re making a list and checking it twice.

You’re seeing new freebies on AppStore every other day. Normally they’re supported by adverts or by purchases within the game, but you never really have to buy anything to get a sense of enjoyment. A game like Blood & Glory is fine to play until it gets hard, by which point you can just delete it and find something else to play.

Gameloft’s latest free game, Six Guns, allows you to complete the whole game without making any purchases. You’re getting a 5+ hour game for what is effectively no cost. You can augment the experience with purchases, but they are not necessary, unlike in a brutally difficult game such as Blood & Glory.

Mediocre wild west-themed game? Boring. For free? NOW YOU’RE TAWKIN’!

Getting these games for free has turned me into a really picky sod. When I walk into dedicated gaming stores, I just get so disgusted. Why should I pay excess of $15 for a game when I can have hours of fun on my iPhone for just $1? If a game appears on an official Apple advertisement, you’re thinking…give it a few weeks; it will be free. Sure as night turns to day, it happens.

So you’re sitting like Lord Muck with all these free games and you don’t know what to do with yourself. You’ve hardly the space on your device for all of them, and you’re never going to play more than twenty minutes of each of them because your attention span is shot from all the festive booze. …Unless the game is triple distilled addiction.

Jetpack Joyride, snapped up as a freebie. Seven hours playtime and counting…

Becoming a casual gamer has really colored my judgement on game prices. Enjoyment cannot be given a price, and there is nothing I value more than having a great time. So why should I be so picky about having to pay for the things I want? First of all, it’s my money, and I think I deserve to have some say in how much of it I spend. Secondly, publishers still insist on releasing the new console blockbusters for $60, while the AppStore still remains a very small and developer-based market.

I undercut the big companies and help the smaller developers. The games are cheap, they give me hours of satisfaction, and some of these games even rival what I have seen consoles achieve.

A Scribblenauts game that you can actually play?

So many great games also get ported to iOS, with added features and improved visuals (like Scribblenauts Remix). You can grab a large library of games for under $20, and it will last you for weeks and weeks.

You may have noticed that I’m mostly reviewing iPhone games now. They’re short, easy to write about, and don’t scathe the wallet. There is always something else to play. Although the games are cheap, these Apple devices are still mega expensive. With that understood, the library of games is ever growing, and there’s always something free or cheap right around the corner.

You get “deals” on the Xbox Live Marketplace or the PlayStation Store, but they’re not deals, are they? Yeah, Call of Duty map packs a dollar off, fucking derp. Grab yourself one of these shiny Apple things and start enjoying fair-prices for a change.

In a move I could have only anticipated in my dreams, Taxman has reworked my favorite Sonic the Hedgehog game for Apple’s various mobile devices. How does it stack up against the original? To be blunt, you have not played Sonic CD until you play this version.

A floating planet appears once a year above a giant lake. It is called the “Miracle Planet.” Nobody can explain how or why it appears. This is probably why it is called the “Miracle Planet.”

Planets, how do they work?

We may never know, but what definitely works is the game’s new time-travel feature. This is the extra element that sets Sonic CD apart from other Sonic the Hedgehog titles, by actually being good. In my most gracious and humble opinion, no game has yet to better time travel.

The player is no longer simply concerned with finishing each stage by traveling in a straight line. You can now travel back in time to complete objectives that result in achieving a Good Future, if you feel like it. Creating a Good Future for each Act, or collecting all of the Chaos Emeralds Time Stones, results in the Good Ending.

Imagine how many minds this blew in 1993. It still blows my mind in 2011.

I don’t think I have ever traipsed through the game’s levels so thoroughly until I played this version, through. Testament to the truly spectacular age-old design.

One advantage to being a more modern version of the game is that you can finally choose between either the Japanese or the American soundtracks. Both soundtracks contain looping level audio, courtesy of sound samples extracted from the original game. This feature was planned for the Sega CD version, making the new remake closer to the game’s original intent.

I do have one gripe, though: “Cosmic Eternity” and “Sonic You Can Do Anything” are now instrumental only. This is due to a copyright disaster concerning the use of the lyrics, which could have been cleared up were the original copyright holder only still alive. Why not write new lyrics, or make “Sonic Boom” the main song in both versions? I can live with that if it means not having to hear “Cosmic Eternally” so horrendously butchered.

This rendition of Sonic CD is faster than all of its predecessors, running at what I can only presume to be a solid 60 frames per second. It takes up your whole screen display without stretching, looking incredible through Retina Display. I cannot imagine going back to any other version of the game from now on. I would have never imagined that “perfect” could be made better.

The physics are spot on, too. Even that bizarre “tube” effect has returned, where Sonic goes insanely fast should he even tickle a tunnel of any description. The added Sonic 2-style spindash can be “revved up” to achieve incredible boosts, which makes getting around more exciting than before. The camera has been modified so that it swings back when Sonic is going faster, allowing you to see more of the stage ahead of you. All of the returning sprites are clean, crisp and pop out at you.

Wait, hold back on the fangasm. Let’s find another gripe before I start to sound suspect. I am disappointed with the new sprites for Tails during the Special Zones, which are blatantly horrible. I feel really akward saying this, because whoever penned the new art is probably really proud of their work. On the plus side, the sprites lifted from Sonic 2 do not look out of place, despite my fear that they would.

The menus are nicely integrated within the iPhone, with the natural finger-scrolling that you’ve come to expect on the hardware. The in-game interface, though on-screen during the action, does not obscure the play-field too much.

I say grab Sonic CD on iOS devices if you can, unless you’ve got your heart set on the Xbox Live Arcade or PlayStation Network version. That version is a port of Taxman’s engine, resulting in a few little problems here and there. On the plus side, Sonic CD still feels more comfortable when played with a gaming controller, because the on-screen buttons from the iOS version are awkward to use when you’re trying to make the tricky jumps.

I purchased Sonic CD on Xbox Live Arcade and fully completed it twice. I have also purchased the game for iOS devices and beaten that version. I can say, without the tiniest shadow of doubt, that the iOS version is superior. I have also played the iOS version of Sonic CD on an iPad and I was entirely blown aback. There is the added distance between buttons, creating extra space for judging jumps. The game still maintains that perfect synchronized framerate. The graphics take up the whole screen but remain in the correct aspect ratio and still look incredible.

This is an extremely solid remake and the ideal opportunity to return to this classic game. Sega, please let your fans develop more of your games; they seem to know what they’re doing.

Sonic Team, that’s a DOUBLE HINT. Please re-hire Christian Whitehead so that he can add that extra level he was designing. 

I want to play this level NOW!

I will pay for it! A life-long Sonic the Hedgehog fan demands the lost R2! Release this level in some form and the score for this game goes up.

In the past, Sega has done exactly the same. However, with the new re-release of Sonic CD, has Sega changed their tactics?

I’ve talked about this version of Sonic CD quite a bit, and frankly I don’t think I’ve talked about it enough. This is a re-written version of the game, running on a new engine with updated controls, physics tweaks, visual upgrades, Achievements, leaderboards and unlockables. How much would you expect to have to pay for this? $20? $10?

Try $5.

The Xbox Live Arcade and PlayStation 3 versions will be released on December 14th for only five dollars. That’s 400 Microsoft Points! …December 14th? That’s today! Why are you still reading this?

The Android version should have also been released today. The iOS version is set for release on December 15th, and is also supposed to cost $4.99.

What I and many others consider to be one of the greatest installments in the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise can be yours for $5, and better than it ever has ever been. Here’s the latest trailer, to whet your appetite just a little more…

Windows Phone 7 users are not going to see a Sonic CD release until 2012, while PC gamers are still waiting for a release date to be confirmed.

Gladiator Meets Punch-Out!!

Ignoring the fact that this game is designed to steal your money through in-app purchases, everything else defies expectations. This is the best-looking iOS game that I have played (yet). Because the game takes place in such a small arena, the developers were able to throw a great deal of detail into the characters and equipment. This game looks like it belongs on a console.

The goal of this game is to win increasingly difficult tournaments. To gain the upper hand, you can buy new armor, helmets, weapons, shields and potions using the game’s virtual currency. You can earn money by winning matches and tournaments and by leveling up. You can also gain more fake money by paying real money for it. If I ever find out you’ve done that, I will shoot you right in front of your family, because you are what’s spoiling this for the rest of us.

Blood & Gore-y is remarkably robust, with the ability to block attacks, evade them or even parry them. Doing so creates openings in the enemy’s defense, allowing you to strike. Land a strong combo to see their health get shaved off really quickly. Reusing the Up, Up, Down, Down, Up combo is the key to ultimate victory. Successful combos will increase your special bar, allowing you to perform one of three different special moves.

The Blood & Glory Channel. All QTE, all the time.

Too much information, right? All you wanted to know was whether you get to kill things. Yes! Yes you do. You get to kill human beings in a bloody fashion.

Upgrading your gladiator and fighting efficiently are key to clearing each tournament without dying, getting “Invictus” status for each of the tournaments. I don’t know what this does, but it looks pretty to have the gold medals lined up on the tournament selection screen.

As you might expect with it being free, Blood & Glory is supported by ads. Occasionally, this cripples the game and causes horrid slowdown. There are few things I hate more in a game than making a mistake because the game cannot keep up with itself.

I do not recommend Blood & Glory. To be honest the game is unfair. You earn money slowly but the game becomes difficult very quickly. This is designed to panic you into paying for stuff. You could always just uninstall the game and forget you ever played it.

If you feel like wasting your savings, buy a Nintendo 3DS instead. Wash yourself of this filth; you’re too good for it.

Short review? Whatever.

Copy/Paste, Edit

Eternal Legacy is a linear, dull, monotonous trek through a multitude of repetitive environments, fighting the same four re-colored enemies while babysitting A.I. characters.

Yeah, it’s totally worth $5.

As with all RPGs, you’re best just playing this game for the story; but the more I play, the more I find myself disconnecting from it. The world of Algoad is in danger from some kind of threat, so a group of unlikely heroes bands together to save it. The goddamn usual.

It is amazing that every line of dialogue, including every NPC’s nugget of wisdom, is voiced. Unfortunately, I tend to switch the voices off whenever they stop matching the subtitles.

From a glance, this could be a PSP game.

So if the story’s not worth playing the game for, then what about the battles?

Fights pan out in semi-automated fashion, like in Final Fantasy XIII. Your party members may queue up to three commands that are executed in active time, like in Final Fantasy XIII. Your partners queue up moves depending on how their behavior is configured, like in Final Fantasy XIII. The battles are a short affair—you enter combat with no more than three enemies at a time, like in Final Fantasy XIII. You are ranked on your performance, but the rankings have no clear purpose, like in Final Fantasy XIII.

The team that developed Eternal Legacy has definitely played another RPG before, although I can’t quite put my finger on which one. This might be seen as plagiarism by some, because Gameloft didn’t do that much to separate the game from its one single influence. I could excuse blatant borrowing of this caliber from an indie company, but Gameloft is no indie company.

I suppose you can chalk it up to “inspiration,” then. If you’re going copy something, then copy the best. Gameloft does that very well.

At other times, the graphics can be really bare.

Your Game is Broken

I don’t appreciate being made to feel stupid, because I can manage that by myself, thank you very much. Eternal Legacy is full of complicated menus, most of which I have gotten lost in at some point. At least they are reassuringly in-depth. The menus offer a tighter control over the RPG experience, which almost perfectly mirrors what you expect from a dedicated gaming system.

Eternal Leg of Lamb is well manufactured; however, frequent graphical errors rear their ugly heads and endeavor to spoil your immersion. You need to remind yourself that this platform isn’t designed exclusively for games before you can accept any of these faults or at least ignore them and move on. Feet going through the ground is normal, OK?

Although you can switch any character out of your party, sometimes the main character, Astrian, gets added right back in, whether it’s story relevant or not. This doesn’t sound so bad, but it gets worse. Party management in Eternal Legacy is broken. Twice I have entered a boss battle to discover that I only had two party members. The game just assumed that I was including this specific third character, and since I didn’t, I didn’t get to have a third character at all. To be fair it wasn’t a hard battle, but it’s the principle of the thing.

Remarkably well built game, besides its flaws.

You have to keep on top of leveling everyone up equally, otherwise the several character split-offs that happen later in the game will be impassable. There is a large section where “idiot back-up team” becomes the main characters and you’re stuck with an under-leveled party. Fortunately, you soon gain the ability to travel to earlier areas for grinding.

Although grinding is present, it doesn’t take too long. There are also items and skills to make leveling up go even faster.

Once you regain control of the two main characters, you are flung into two boss battles without pause. They’re tough little bastards, and you’re not given any chance to get ready for the battles. Remember how Final Fantasy VII gave you the opportunity to update your inventory or equipment before some of the seemingly random boss encounters? I could have done with that here, because I’m not psychic—I don’t know when bosses will graciously appear out of the ether.

Sacrificial lamb Lysty is murdered at the start of Chapter 5. Do you remember what happened when that cute brown-haired girl was slaughtered in Neverending Story VII? All of the items equipped to her, including the magical gems, are returned to you. However, in Eternal Legacy, you lose the “fragments” that are equipped to Lysty when she bites the bullet. So if your extremely valuable Level Up Faster is equipped to her, then you lose it.

Forever.

Each menu item leads to another menu. My brain can’t handle it…

This also happens during the several team split-ups, where “fragments” from your party members cannot be switched because they’re not currently in your party. Again, this means that items you might need to make the game easier are stripped from you without explanation or prior warning.

And then there’s the whole A.I. spell-casting fiasco. Any character controlled by the computer will focus on magic moves, no matter how their behaviour is set. Equipping a character with Poison, Shrink, Berserk, Confusion, etc. before a boss battle is a sure-fire route to Game Over Street. These techniques do not work on bosses, but your party members don’t know that. Even after they discover it doesn’t work, they still try it again. And again.

This poor hole in the computer behaviour has resulted in me getting through a few battles just by the skin of my teeth. The only solution is to turn on “Full Party Control” and control the whole thing yourself, though personally I think the A.I. should be way better when A.I. control is the default option. If you tell someone to be a healer in Kingdom Hearts, or in Tales of Vesperia, they become a healer. Tell someone to be a healer in Eternal Legacy, they cast Poison on the boss. There are plenty of good examples, Gameloft. Please pay attention to them.

Environments, shadows, and textures are all impressive for an iOS title.

Diamond-Studded Trash

Eternal Legacy is not a short game. I have reached what I presume to be the final boss after twelve hours of playing time. The game consumes a hefty 632MB because of the high-quality music, voice acting, sound effects and textures. Personally, I believe that it is a ploy to help Apple sell more high-capacity devices.

I do find myself compelled to play on, but this final boss is pushing me to my limits. I hope that I beat him soon in order to justify blowing a single dollar on this game. (Eternal Legacy usually costs $5, but I took advantage of a Thanksgiving sale.)

I have a difficult time recommending this game. I am quite enjoying Eternal Legacy’s broken beta-like charms, but I cannot promise that anybody with actual taste will. If you’re into diamond-studded trash such as Enchanted Arms, then I’m sure you will love this. Actually, that’s what the graphics remind me of the most, especially in the environments. The characters look great, too. Well, some of them.

Wow, just look at that mountain, and–what the hell is that wolf thing?! KILL IT. KILL IT NOW.

I would love to see Gameloft make a spiritual sequel to Eternal Legacy. It should have entirely different characters and be set in an entirely different world. It should actually have a genuinely interesting story, instead of just focusing on trying to be another game that already exists.

Alternatively, Gameloft should consider releasing Eternal Legacy on the Xbox Live Arcade or PlayStation Network. I would be on top of that version in an instant; all they’d need to do to appease me is implement the changes I’ve suggested here.

This would basically mean remaking everything, so they probably won’t do that. That’s way too much effort for Gameloft; they’d rather just rip off something else that already exists.

The dragon is confused by the game’s translation.

The plot of this game is that Ivan is a prince. His parents are dead, and apparently, they didn’t tell him that he has three older sisters who were trapped by an ambiguous villain. Can Ivan break the spell on his sisters?

I’m pretty sure Ivan can’t save his sisters, because I got completely stuck on the sixth puzzle, and I had to quit playing. The puzzle was one of those “touch the six items in the proper order” puzzles, and it was impossible to solve here because:

1. There are ten possible items for you to tap on.
2. The game rejects your answer if you made a mistake, but it doesn’t tell you which of your selections were mistakes.

The hint system had this helpful advice to give: “solve the puzzle.” Thanks a lot, hint system. Even when you take the in-game clues into account, there are 96 possible solutions. I’m not going to try out every single one until I stumble upon the so-called “correct” solution that the game is looking for.

Ivan’s three sisters. He learns they exist after solving this jigsaw puzzle.

I liked this game, because it seemed kind of interesting. It’s a longish puzzle/adventure game, with thirty or so screens. The stylized graphics look nice, too, but I think one of the best parts of the game is that it’s highly compact. This game only takes up a little more memory on your iPod than Solitaire does, despite being much longer and more complicated than Solitaire. So the developers definitely did a great job in terms of memory storage.

Of course, there are downsides to the fact that the game uses as little memory as possible. For example, the game’s loading screen is completely blank. The first time I saw it, I thought the game had crashed. Also, there’s only one song in the entire game, which gets constantly looped. It’s not a particularly good song, and eventually, you’ll just turn the sound off to avoid getting irritated.

Another problem I had with this game was the touchscreen controls. The controls are just fine, unless you double-tap on anything, including on areas that you can’t interact with. When you double-tap, the whole game goes out of whack and you get crazy lag, sometimes coupled with the loading screen of non-existence.

The exit to this room is between the first and second bedposts. It took me a while to figure that out, because it is clearly not an exit.

In conclusion, The Spell Breaker Quest is an interesting-looking game, but it is plauged with numerous problems, including a non-ideal translation, puzzles that are hard to solve without a healthy dose of luck, and controls that don’t always work the way you want them to. If you can get around these problems, then you can probably enjoy this game. If not, well, Ivan’s lost sisters are going to remain lost forever.

I used to love penguins. When I saw this guy’s job title on the news the other day (see: right), I was pissed off. That should be my job title. Since playing Mighty Fin on my iPhone, however, I’m not sure I really like penguins (or jellyfish or boats or coral or sharks or crabs) anymore.

Mighty Fin is an arcade/action type game in which you are in control of a very cute fish who has to collect bubbles whilst avoiding a series of obstacles (god damn penguins…). Like pretty much all iOS games, the controls are pretty basic: hold your finger on the screen to dive, and release your finger to jump. The aim is to collect as many bubbles as possible—the quicker you collect, the higher the mulitplier and the better the medal you will receive at the end.

There are 16 unlockable levels which are accessed through a map, and you can play each of them in either standard, endless, or survival mode. The rewards for completing each level come in the form of costumes which you can make the fish wear. These range from the timeless top hat and monocle to the Rastafarian, the viking helmet, and, my personal favourite, “Finding Emo” (basically a shit haircut on a fish that never smiles).

Upon starting up the menu screen, I instantly loved the game’s appearance, and the music is so catchy that it will become embedded in your head for days after you’ve finished playing. The graphics have a kind of storybook feel to them, and although they are high in quality, the seaside themes do remind me of summer holidays in the eighties—minus the rain, wind, shit food, caravans and that one time my sister pissed all over my knee because I got stung by a jellyfish.

Upon beginning the first level, however, I wasn’t initally taken by this game, if I’m totally honest. It seemed a little basic with not much to motivate me to play through to the end. You are literally just jumping in and out of the water and avoiding obstacles, and it began to get a bit tedious. The speed of your fish does not accelerate as you progress through the level, so it felt a bit monotonous at times (though the addition of a Survival Mode remedies this somewhat and gives the game some much needed variety).

I persevered, however, and once I began to collect the costumes I became a bit more interested. There aren’t that many costumes to collect, so I started getting those “I’ll just collect one more and then I’ll switch it off” thoughts that I still fall for, even after 23 years of gaming. Before I knew it, I had completed half of the game in one sitting, something I haven’t done with a game for a long time. Granted, it only took around four hours, but this was on my iPhone, so it felt like the perfect amount of time to dedicate to a game that I could barely see. To make things even better, the next day I got a brand new update with loads more levels to try, so the game’s fast becoming the gift that keeps on giving.

Mighty Fin is a wonderfully endearing game. I really got attached to the fish with its stupid little face, and even the killer penguins (who inexplicable sound like Chewbacca) made me smile. Although simple in concept, it is certainly not poor in character, and it’s obvious that a lot of love, hard work, and time has been invested in this game—I’m just not sure that the concept is strong enough to compete with the Plants & Zombies of the iOS world. It’s definitely a grower, though, so watch this space!

It seems that BFG has ported a lot of their games over to the iPad, most of them in HD. I guess it’s pretty easy to port PC games to the iPad, probably because the screen sizes are the same. The bad news is that it’s more difficult to port PC games to the iPhone, because the screen is tiny, compared to your basic computer screen.

Most of Big Fish’s games are hidden object games, and those don’t run very well on a too-small screen. Sure, the iPhone makes it easy to zoom in and out of a hidden objects screen, but it still feels more natural to play a hidden objects game on the computer, so you can see the whole screen at once.

Since I’m an adventure game fan, I decided to try out the three iPhone games which are listed as adventure games. This might sound weird, but instead of playing the iPhone “free trial” versions of these games, I played the PC “free trial” versions. That’s because the PC free trials are much longer. Here are the results of my investigation:

Nick Chase: A Detective Story is a film noir game, starring an edgy PI who, if the picture is to be believed, is investigating the theft of a button. The comic book style graphics are very nice, as is the voice acting. One downside is that the game is rather short; I bet if you knew what to do ahead of time, you could probably get to the end of the game before the one-hour trial finishes. I liked it, even if it’s a collection of puzzles I’ve seen many times before (like the “repeat the pattern of the musical notes” puzzle).

Azada is an adventure game…I guess. It’s basically a collection of unrelated screens, and each screen has four or so puzzles to solve. These puzzles include finding objects and using them on other places on the screen. I stopped playing on the third screen.

Awakening: The Dreamless Castle is a fairytale game about a princess who has to break a curse or something like that. This is to be expected, because I’ve noticed that the three most popular casual game genres are…

1. Fairy tale games
2. Mystery games (most common mystery: find a friend/family member who disappeared under mysterious circumstances)
3. Zombie games

Awakening is one of those hidden object games that really should be reclassified as an adventure game. I played for twenty minutes, and I only found one hidden objects screen; the rest of the time was spent solving adventure game challenges. So I’m officially declaring this an adventure game, disguised as a hidden objects game for sales purposes.

I decided to buy Nick Chase and Awakening, because they were pretty good. I’m not the only one who thinks so, because both of those games were popular enough to get sequels. However, this resulted in a dilemma: do I buy the iPhone versions of these games or the PC versions? On the one hand, the small iPhone screen would make the hidden object challenges more difficult, and besides, I didn’t want to restart the games. On the other hand, I specifically picked games without many hidden object challenges, and it seems dumb not to buy iPhone games after going through all the hassle of looking for some that I like.

Eventually, I did the math. It would cost $20 to buy the PC versions, but it only costs $5 to buy the iPhone versions.

Needless to say, I am now the proud owner of two new iPhone games.


[Adapted from Michael Gray's blog.]

You know those moments on public transport when a greasy, fat, mentally ill lady waddles up the aisle and parks her massive arse on the seat next to you, causing your face to become pressed up against the window? You know when she starts talking loudly like she knows you, saying things like “I love your bag; where did you get it? It’s the perfect size to fit my dead cat in. Can I have it?” It’s during moments like these that I really wish I had a good game to play so I didn’t feel obliged to respond—nothing too complicated, just something simple and enjoyable to pass the time and discourage conversation without coming across as rude.

Well, I have found that game.

Sparkle HD is a beautiful little iOS puzzle game that I have been playing on my iPad and I am totally addicted to it, so much so that I have even started playing it when I’m not sitting next to potential axe-murderers on the bus. The concept of the game is not new—it is basically one of those shoot-coloured-balls-at-other-coloured-balls-until-they-all-disappear type games favoured the world over by bored housewives with bingo addictions. In comparison to the amateur efforts of some similar games, however, Sparkle HD is far superior—the punchbowl in a sea of turds, if you will.

The game begins with a short, slightly unoriginal storyline explaining that there is a darkness of some description falling over the land, and the burden to destroy it lies inexplicably on your shoulders. You are then asked to choose between Quest, Challenge or Survival Mode (for the purpose of this review we are going to go with Quest Mode), and, after being presented with an aesthetically pleasing map, you begin your journey at the giant mushrooms (oh God, I love giant mushrooms).

The levels consist of various spiral-shaped tracks on which coloured balls come rolling along toward a dark vortex (think Zuma, except not shit). You must avoid the vortex by firing coloured balls into matching groups of three, causing them to disappear. Throughout each level, little bonus icons appear which, if you can catch them, help you considerably. They enhance the balls in various ways, including slowing their speed, reversing their direction, and changing their colour.

As you work your way around the map you also receive numerous amulets, each of which possesses a magical ability. You can use them to improve your luck, increase your shooting speed, decrease the size of the orbs, etc. You can only equip one of these at a time, which makes things difficult for me, as it involves making a decision.

The relatively recent rise in popularity of these puzzle-type games has, in many instances, resulted in an increasing trend of developmental laziness. The graphics are often slightly blurred, too big for the screen, or presented in garish colours, with absolutely shocking attempts at dialogue. Sparkle HD has resisted the temptation to cut corners and proved that investing a little bit of time, effort, and (no doubt) money goes a long way. Being in high definition alone means that the ethereal, Pixar-type graphics are beautiful and make the game’s few flaws largely forgivable.

Aside from the immense graphics, the other thing that makes this game so enjoyable to play is its epic soundtrack. Composed by musical genius Jonathan Geer, it matches the visuals perfectly and resembles the soundtrack of one of my favourite movies of all time, Beetlejuice. That alone should make you want to buy it. You get a lot of levels for your money, too, and it takes a fair effort to complete the game.

The attention to detail in Sparkle HD means that, despite the superficial nature of this genre, you do feel like you’re playing a real game. It’s so well done that I became genuinely involved in it, even if it is quite repetitive and has a pretty sparse storyline. Take my advice: the next time you are being drooled on by an over-friendly schizophrenic in the waiting room of your doctor’s office, give this little peach a try—it could save your life.