Well, here we are, the final episode of the season. The last stretch before home! It’s been quite an interesting ride from episode 1 to here, and I’m just as excited to play it as you are. But before I get started, I feel the need to put up a little spoiler warning. SPOILER WARNING! BOOOP BOOOP! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL! IF YOU WANT TO KNOW THE PLOT SO YOU CAN BE IN WITH THE COOL KIDS, THEN GO PLAY THE GAME. OR YOU MAY READ THE PARAGRAPH BELOW TO HEAR MY THOUGHTS.

All in all, I did like this latest season of Sam & Max. While the writing wasn’t as strong as the first and second seasons, it was still pretty damn funny, and best of all it did away with a lot of the bullshit you usually deal with in adventure games. Despite the flaws, if you’re a Sam & Max fan, you’re going to walk away happy, and if you’ve never played adventure games before, then this is a pretty good starting point.

Ok, now go play the game. Go on, get out of here!

…Is he gone?

Good, I hate that guy.

In this episode of Sam & Max, we start off right where the last one ended, with Max turning into a large Lovecraft-esq beast  from the dark dimension  and going on a Godzilla-like rampage through the city. He also releases these flaming Max head spores that feed off of people’s nightmares—I’m not sure where they come from, but H. P. Lovecraft monsters don’t have a problem finding orifices to spew things out of, so I don’t want to look too much into it. These flaming Max heads go around, making witty banter, and attempting to make the entire city fall asleep. I don’t know why he’s attacking a cartoon city—if he were to attack my neighborhood, he could live forever on the broken dreams of college students. Naturally, it’s up to Sam to gather up a team of specialists in order to infiltrate the beast and find a way to save his little buddy

The story wraps itself up nicely, through a somewhat questionable ending, and the writing is damn good, solid jokes all the way through, and a few references for the older fans. As always, the music, sounds, and voice acting are top notch, all of the voice actors hit their mark and I sincerely hope they get a lot more exposure, because their delivery punctuates the jokes in a way that nobody else could. I do have a problem with the ending, but I’ll get to that a little later on.

Wait, I have another problem. What’s with us still calling it the Devil’s Toybox? If it’s really the “Devil’s Toybox” then where is everyone’s lovable prince of darkness? We’ve already been to hell, and even helped Satan regain his dark throne, so shouldn’t he be around here instead of all these Cthulu references—

Oh…well…never mind then.

The City That Dares Not Sleep is sort of like a greatest hits album from a famous band—containing most of your favorite songs while missing some of the older band members who have either died or gone on to horrible solo careers. Almost everyone returns, and even those who don’t return get brief references. Giant Abraham Lincon returns in all of his robotic slave-freeing glory to lead the Maim-e-trons into battle, to whom Momma Bosco gave a software upgrade so their song references would be more up to date. Mr Featherly returns to give Sam an egg, and even the Soda Poppers are momentarily referenced. It was a delight to see that none of these characters have died, and it was a fun little adventure seeing them interact with each other once more. My special shout out goes to Satan and Jurgen, who are doing a public service announcement for Hell.

The gameplay is missing a large piece of the last few games, and that piece is Max. The Toys of Power were destroyed in the last episode, and now that the lovable hyper kinetic rabbit thingy is a Yog-Soggoth creation, you don’t have access to any psychic powers. That’s not cool, Telltale. That’s like letting a kid build a sand castle for four minutes then telling him he can only play in half of it. They do try to make it up to us by adding some neat and funny puzzles, as well as other things, but it really doesn’t compare. They DO give you a chance to walk around as evil Max, but it doesn’t really amount to anything other than a few quick jokes. I would have loved the opportunity to wreck up some buildings, Rampage style, in compensation for not having psychic powers.

Well, besides the gameplay, I do have two other complaints.

Despite him being in the title of the game, Max is mostly absent from this episode. He’s been replaced by various flaming Maxes that are trying to force the inhabitants to sleep so he can feast on their nightmares (and probably some Glazed McGuffins, knowing Max). Each of them are funny in their own way, but I do miss the timing Sam and Max had on their jokes together. I guess it’s true—you never know what you have until it turns into a giant dream-eating hellbeast.

What? No I didn’t get the saying wrong.

The second issue is the ending, so let me throw in one last SPOILER WARNING before we go onward.

Honestly Telltale, does Sam & Max really need to be so serious? I mean, I understand weaving a compelling narrative into Monkey Island or your other games, but this is a show that is famous for smacking genre clichés upside the head and telling them to get jobs, the lazy bums. So, the ending was unnecessarily dramatic. I know Sam and Max are buddies, and you’ve made several jokes about them being gay, but you didn’t fool me with the whole “Max dying” thing.

Ok, I’ll admit, for one brief, VERY BRIEF moment, I cried inside.

But all in all, as I said at the beginning of the review, I was happy with this season, and I encourage fans both new and old to pick it up.

Also, Telltale, why haven’t you emailed me yet, hmm? Trying to be coy about it, are you? You think I didn’t notice how you changed it up the last minute and had Satan address the whole Devil’s Toybox thing? Don’t worry, I know you just want me on your writing team. In fact, you probably want me writing for you so much that you’re just too shy to email me about it.

Well, that’s OK. It’s only natural. But…ya know…I’d be cool with it. Just saying. Not that I’m begging for you to email me! Because…You really want to pay money for my linguistic prowess…You’re just too shy to admit it. I think. But that’s OK! You can email me. As soon as possible in fact. I’m not going to guilt you into emailing me by telling you that I don’t live in a mansion and I scrape what little I can from temporary labor work. Or that I live as a 19-year-old in a perpetual hellhole where my parents constantly bother me for rent while I slink ever slowly into a dark abyss populated by bums and people with art degrees—OH GOD I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE I JUST CHEWED MY ARM OFF FOR NOURISHMENT GIVE ME A JOB PLEASE! AFAFSGJSGIIGGSASFSJDGISHGIUHGDFIDGFKLDJFLIH!

Thank you in advance.

Oh, and also:

THANK YOU FOR CREATING MY FAVORITE ADVENTURE GAME SERIES.

Japanese RPGs get a really bad rep everywhere you go, except for Japan, of course, where the air is minty fresh and the trees grow used schoolgirls’ panties. They’ve generally been criticized for their bad voice acting, hammy plots, linear gameplay and storytelling, and for just being rather cliché. If they don’t take place in a weird alternate fantasy universe where a boy must find his place in the world, then they’re about high school students getting together to solve a mystery, Scooby-Doo-like, while also trying to make sure that their high school lives continue to be totally rad! In the past, I’ve reviewed two Japanese games that break that mold: Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne, and Yakuza, and both of those turned out to be really good games that forge their own paths in artistic expression.

That being said, here’s a review of another Shin Megami Tensei game called Persona 4. It’s a game about high school students getting together to solve a mystery, Scooby-Doo-like, while also trying to make sure that their high school lives continue to be totally rad.

Oh Atlus, you hilarious bastards you. You had me going there. Now if you would be so kind as to bring out another real Shin Megami Tensei game, I would be happy.

What’s that? There are no new main-series games currently being developed? Because the Persona series sells so well, we’re only getting two more of those, instead, which exchange the dark and metaphysical concepts of Shin Megami for Degrassi-like after-school special values?

Yes?

…

OK, it’s not that bad. Let’s just start from the beginning, all right?

Shin Megami Tensei:Persona 4 is the fourth game in the Persona sub-series. The sub-series aims for a more mainstream audience, meaning that there are no angels, demons, demi-gods, questionable morals, intriguing religious beliefs, or anything else that might have been interesting; instead, it’s been given the anime makeover and is set in a Japanese high school.

You play an eternally unnamed high school student who is sent to live with hisuncle, Detective Ryoutarou Dojima, in the small podunk town of Inaba for a year. After getting to know your uncle and his daughter, Nanako, you soon start having some weird dreams involving everyone’s favorite long-nosed hunchback freak: Igor. Igor makes a return appearance from Persona 3 in order to handle and fuse your Personas once more, but he’s traded his elevator office for a spiritual pimpmobile. Seriously, he rides in the back of a purple stretch limo that’s got a mini bar, leather seats, and a hot blond woman as a servant; the amount of pimptitude he has is amazing. All he needs is to install a hot tub and get that servant in a bikini, and Snoop Dogg could shoot a music video in there.

After a couple of cutscenes and Igor raving on about Personas, you are introduced to two of your party members: Chie, a kung-fu-movie-loving tomboy, and Yoskue, the “best friend” character. You know who I’m talking about; he’s the character that inexplicably becomes friends with the protagonist and usually gets slapped by one of the female characters because he’s supposed to be the comic foil. He’s actually a surprisingly deep character, having being forced to move here by his father, who is the owner of a department store that is running all the local shops out of business. You do find him face down in a trashcan when you first meet him though, so he’s still a dork.

Not long after, a series of odd murders starts to take place around the small town, and you suddenly realize that you have the power to go into television screens, which lead to an alternate dimension where your inner self can be manifested into cool-looking monsters and demons called “Personas.” You then find a talking hollow bear suit who tells you that someone is throwing people into this world so that these beasts called “shadows” will kill them, and since you and your friends are the only ones who can enter this mysterious realm, it’s up to you to thwart the murderer, shed some light on what the TV world is, and somehow find a way to ask the girl out to the prom! High school! Yay!

…OK. I know the plot sounds really bad. Like, textbook japanime bad. But the characters are the true gem of this game. They are well developed and interesting enough that you actually want to discover more about them. From your uncle Dojimatrying to make his way in the world as a detective while raisinga daughter all by himself, to a widow who believed that her attempt to live the fairytale married life lead to her husband’s death, these characters are just that: ACTUAL characters, with hopes and dreams, and not the creepy alien things that try to mimic human emotions that come with most JRPGS. I would even go so far as to say that some of these characters are more interesting than in most games period, if only because so many stereotypes are broken.

The gameplay this time around is like AC/DC’s new album: different, but still keeping with what made them good. Combat is still turn based, but it’s a little more hectic, in that each character generally takes their own turn based on their agility, and there is no push-turn system like in Nocturne. If you hit an opponent’s weakness, they are knocked on their ass, and you get another attack. This happens every time you or your opponents hit a weakness, so one character can wipe out an entire team in just one turn.

As mentioned before, you and your buddies are able to summon the manifestations of your true natures, called “Personas,” which basically are monsters that EXIST IN YOUR MIND. The Personas of your party members are set, each having a certain strength and weakness to an element, but your character has the ability to command multiple Personas and switch between them at will, meaning that you can have an entire brigade of demons sitting in your mind who will fight for you on command. Man, there’s gotta be some housing issues there. The Personas range from representations of mythical creatures from many different religions to some original monsters. And by original I mean fucked up. On my team I have a magical multicolored snake, a skeleton matador, and a powerful demon who just sits on a toilet and casts thunder and lightning spells. Yes, that’s right: I have a character who is a living fart joke. But that’s not the worst of it, oh no; but I’ll talk more about the designs a little later on.

In this game, making friends doesn’t just have the usual benefits of companionship, support, and extra meat shields when the mob decides to come collect that debt you owe; it also allows you to grow stronger. Persona 4 has a system of “Social Links” which reward you for being sociable, unlike real life. It turns Personainto a sort of dating sim where spending more time with someone allows their Social Link and horniness levels to rise. Why would someone want to do this, especially when the player would probably want to repeat their own high school experience, which is mostly crushing loneliness combined with masturbation issues? Because each of your friends is linked to an “arcana” (sort of like a class), and the higher your Social Links, the more experience points and bonuses you get when you create Personas of the same arcana. Most importantly, you can only get the most powerful ones if you completely level up  Social Links, so I get to roleplay what it would have been like to be popular in high school, which turns out to be surprisingly tedious.

So, to sort of round everything off, most of the game involves your characters exploring the other world, battling shadows, and saving people who have been thrown into the TV world, while the rest involves keeping your social life in tact while leveling up your personal stats and trying to make sure all the characters are ready to explore the other world. The game does have a time limit wherein, after several days of rain, the town will be enveloped by fog, which will lift the fog in the TV world, sending the shadows into a frenzy and killing anybody unlucky enough to be on the other side. It forces you to manage your time and work toward a central goal, whether it be grinding the dungeons to level up your characters or socializing with people to beef up your Social Links. You might want to bust out a strategy guide for this game, because some characters are busy on different days and won’t talk to you, but if you’re hardcore like me, then taking some notes is not a bad thing to do.

So, while the game itself is pretty good, there are some problems I have with it. Well, I actually have quite a few problems with it, but I feel like I’m going to get some hate mail for being too nitpicky. So with that I say: “Sit down, take off your little diaper foo foo and STOP CRYING LIKE A BABY.”

I always love it when a game gives me a chance to explore a different culture, but don’t waste time admiring all of the little details, because there’s a quiz at the end. It’s not a major thing, but you quite literally go through high school, and the game pauses every so often to ask you a question you have no way of knowing the answer to without checking Wikipedia. Since being top in your class apparently gets girls wet in Japan, you better have the answer; otherwise, your character is going to do the one-man-show for the rest of his pitiful high school life. OK, how the hell is anyone in North America supposed to know ANYTHING about Japan if they’ve never been there? Quick, without Google-searching it, tell me what a “kage for spring” is. How about the proper procedure for putting on a kimono? Know how many pounds a chi master can lift with his testicles? No? Of course not—no Western gamer could! It would be like asking a small African boy in Kenya about the amount of calories in a cheeseburger; he’s got no frame of reference!

Also, while the characters are developed enough to keep you interested, the potential love interests you have are a bit of a letdown. Well, not the girls themselves. I mean, you can get it on with a teen idol for Christ’s sake; how can you top that? No, I was a little angry at something else. So, after spending hours and hours with one girl, going on a roller coaster of emotions and self-anguish, I only got a blush and a HUG at the end?! What the hell, game?! I know Japan has some weird perceptions on sex and public displays of affection, but come on! Pretending to listen to a woman’s problems while occasionally calling her a dumb bitch were enough for AT LEAST a shame-filled blowjob at my high school. Where are all the emo girls with low self-esteem?

But if there’s something that needs to be discussed, it’s the bloody monster designs in this game. I mean, Shin Megami Tensei is no stranger to messed up character designs, but Persona is like that quiet kid in class who comes unannounced to a party wearing only a chicken suit with a holocaust denial written on it. One of the characters has a Persona that could only be described as a “disco-ninja frog.” Another one has a fat red ball thing with a missile lodged halfway up his ass. I wish I was making this up. I’ve saved the weirdest one for last, but I’m gonna need to set it up a bit.

You know what? I think I’ve figured it out. I think the monster designer for Persona was a gay man who just didn’t know how to break it to his parents. So, instead of sitting them down and giving them the talk, he decided to bring them into his room and say: “Mom, Dad, there’s something important I have to tell you, but I’m not sure how to go about saying it. They say a picture’s worth a thousand words, so I drew this for you. It should explain everything:”

This…is Mara. Yes, you can summon him. And yes, that’s exactly what he looks like.

If your mom walked in on you playing this game, and saw you using Mara, she would put a reassuring hand on your shoulder and tell you that she’ll love you no matter what you do in your spare time.

When it’s all said and done, I really liked Persona 4. It’s very human-interest focused, and it forgoes the larger theological questions for smaller interpersonal ones, but it’s got likable characters, good story, decent humor, writing that flows easily, as well as great gameplay. There are some of the usual JRPG trappings, but I really believe that if the next game took a few more pages from Western RPGs, we might have the next great mainstream RPG series. Even at its most cliché, Shin Megami Tensei is still miles better then most Final Fantasy games, and that’s the truth. If you are into JRPGs and haven’t checked this one out, you have deprived yourself of one of the good mainstream JRPG series and should rectify that situation immediately.

What really bothers me is that if you were a fan of the series, there is a huge shift from the previous three games’ very dark tones and deep metaphysical questions to the teen japanime high school students they have now. You can almost smell the marketing executives’ spunk on this product; they took the concept of God being a prick and the huge punch-ups between deities, threw them in a bin, and shot them into space so they wouldn’t offend anybody and the company could make a game that was more “relatable.” It’s just so idealistic and nice—all of the characters look good and are generally happy with their lives and going to school and-OH GOD WHY CAN’T I STAY LIKE THAT FOREVER! WHY?! *cries in corner*

Huh, so this is how Tupac continues to release albums after he’s dead.

OK, before we go on, let me just place a nice big SPOILER WARNING sign here. There have been three of these things already, and if you haven’t been following along so far and are waiting for the season to finish to decide whether or not you should pick this up, let me just say “yes”, and this episode is the funniest one yet. It’s sort of hard to talk about this game without giving away plot points from the last one, so if you’re really set on not knowing anything about the plot before going in, or you somehow clicked on the wrong review and you decided to read it all the way through anyways because your an idiot like that, then close your eyes and pretend I’m reviewing Silent Hill or something.

After Sam and Max defeated Samun’mak and his reality-altering psychic powers, the team is assaulted by legions of half-naked Sam clones who are looking to reclaim the toys of power for some unknown benefactor. Why the Sam clones are half-naked is beyond me; I’m pretty sure if you can clone thousands of little golden boxers for them to wear, you could at least materialize some clothes. These guys all come from a huge cloning facility, which problably uses a lot of power. If you were the owner; what would you say when the hydro-electrical man came around wondering why you’re using enough energy to power a third world country? “Sorry sir, the last few half-naked anthropomorphic dog creatures just didn’t come out right, so I had to make twenty more”?

Anyways, after holding up in Stinkey’s Diner, Sam and Max soon discover the cloning facility, and set off to discover who is behind this latest attempt to retrieve the toys of power. The story thankfully doesn’t make the whole “whodunnit” thing the main focus, but instead relies upon the wackiness of it all and amps up Sam and Max’s nonchalantness about the whole affair. It’s all right, but I do have a complaint about the ending: It literally comes out of left field with no explanation, like a naked lion tamer at a children’s soccer game. I don’t want to give anything away, but I honestly tried to play through the game a second time to see how this could work out, but it still made no damn sense. It’s like if you were reading the Watchmen comic and the true mastermind behind all the events  turned out to be a fat old comic book store owner from the second chapter.

Ya know, for an ethereal god who thrives on the suffering of humanity, Yog-Soggoth is a pretty cool dude.

Despite that, I have to say that this was a really funny episode, and I think that whoever these interns are, Telltale should keep them on. The jokes are snappy and true to the characters, and they even have a running gag where Sam and Max are arguing between calling the clones “Samulacrums” or “Dogglegangers.” Granted, I still wish that Ron Gilbert could be on the writing team, but this was pretty good in its own right. Give yourselves a cookie, Mr. Stemmle and Mr. Pinney.

The psychic powers come out in full force for the second-to-last episode. You literally have every single power you’ve used in all three episodes (except for the extremely useless and living cop-out can of nuts power). You finally get to use the mind-reading playing cards from the start, and the results are nothing short of hilarious. The creepy doll comes back, giving you the power to throw your voice into almost anything, and also returning is the rhinoplaste for transformation, although you don’t get to use it all that much. You even get an awesome fighting robot toy with kung-fu elder-god-destroying abilities! All of these powers do make the game a little too easy, however, because every character decides to think out loud whenever they happen to not tell you the solution to a problem. Other than that, you’re getting no complaints from me; I loved using all the powers. Here’s a little hint: Use the future vision on Sam just as you’re inside the cloning facility for ultimate hilarity.

On the characters side, it’s like a party and I was invited! All the favorites are back, as well as some cool new extras. Sal the giant cockroach lumbers his way into servitude, the Stinky family continues to back-stab and cheat their way into our hearts, and Superball teams up with Harry Moleman (also known as verbal punching bag) to bring Momma Bosco back from the spiritual realm. Even the mysterious plot-twist character is endearing, if a little unnecessary. And there is the welcome return of good old Buster Blaster from seasons 1 and 2, who continues to spew off gamer lingo as well as malicious threats. It’s just so much damn fun seeing almost all the characters back like this. Momma Bosco is still boring, and she’ll never replace her son, but overall, the cast and voice actors do an amazing job as always.

All right, all right, I’ve dodged around it enough. I’d like to think I’m man enough to admit when I might-have-sort-of-kind-of been wrong. We’ve all got to eat humble pie and shit ego once in a while, so here goes:

I never should have doubted you, Telltale. This episode was pretty funny, and congrats to the new guys for doing a good job with it. I have to say, my expectations weren’t all that high for this episode, but I was pleasantly surprised. However, with one more episode left to go, I’m pretty excited to see how this all will end. In closing: Yes, buy the season. Episode four is awesome, and I’m a douche.

For me, the best episodes of the Telltale Games Sam & Max series have consistently been the third and forth episodes; usually that’s when the season has found its groove, and this season is no exception with Episode 3: They Stole Max’s Brain.

I like it, is what I’m saying.

The episode starts where the last one ended, right at the COMPLETELY UNEXPECTED AND TOTALLY NOT TELEGRAPHED BY THE TITLE OF THE NEXT EPISODE plot point, where Sam discovers that someone has stolen Max’s brain. Fueled by revenge, or possibly a really bad Pedigree Chums trip, Sam goes on a quest to find his little buddy, which soon finds you engaging in another battle for the mysterious Devil’s Toybox and using Max’s psychic powers to thwart the forces that would use it to take over the world…

Yeah, that’s pretty much it. What did you expect? This isn’t The Usual Suspects here, this is Sam & Max, a series in which the laws of physics are more like a set of guidelines. You’re not here for the story, and I won’t waste any more time explaining it; it would be like trying to explain the color of an orange.

At the beginning of the game, right after Sam discovers his partner’s brainless exterior, he ditches his trench coat, grows some designer stubble in five seconds, and becomes a loose cannon cop who doesn’t play by the rules! He isn’t afraid to ice a bitch for answers! Growl! Except, comma, he doesn’t actually kill anyone for answers, but he does threaten a computer scanner! That’s pretty hardcore, right?

During Sam’s trip down the dark side, he remembers a few tips that his friend, Flint Paper, gave him on how to interrogate suspects. These techniques apparently come from the Jack Bauer school of thought, in that they largely consist of Sam screaming at people while shoving a gun in their faces till they shit their pants or give him answers, usually both.

Basically, this part of the game involves listening to the characters talk about a certain subject, and then interrupting them in order to press for more information, threaten them, or catch them lying. It works sort of like Phoenix Wright with a lot more fleas and a little more badass, as you interject at different points in the conversation to achieve the desired effect, which usually is getting Sam to pimp slap a hoe!

In all seriousness, I actually liked this feature. I’d even go so far as to say that, with a little bit of refining here and there, it could become very innovative. It was a pretty cool parody of Frank Miller comics and noir detectives as a whole, and it’s hilarious that you literally have a “noir” button where Sam will spin a dark monologue about whatever the subject might be.

But, I feel like the interrogation function was made for another game, not for a game series that revolves around a giant talking dog and rabbit-thing fighting a space ape. Maybe it should be used in some sort of CIA-simulator game (press X to waterboard insurgents and lie to the government about it). Also, like your first time having sex, it’s over just as you were getting into it. After Sam discovers where Max’s brain is being held, the mechanic is dropped and never mentioned again for the rest of the game! Telltale, you little tease, you!

Beyond that, though, the game returns to status quo, and spending a moment to talk about the gameplay when I have several times before would be redundant. So, here’s a link for you.

Hiring a roach as a security guard seems like a good idea, until you realize that you can just push him over.

You know, after reviewing three of these games, I’ve often thought about how life would be if I had psychic powers just like Max. Well, I’d use them for more than just solving puzzles, that’s for sure. In terms of psychic powers, you are once again able to play around with the Future Vision and Teleportation Phone, but you now get to use the Rinoplasty to transform your furry companion into whatever inanimate object he smears it over. The only time you get to use it is when you’ve got to change into a toaster, though. Come on! I can think of so many better uses for that power! I’d find a poster of Jake Gyllenhaal, transform into him, and just walk around downtown shirtless, breaking up marriages and thus dooming the entire human race.

Now we come to the most important part of every Sam & Max game: the characters and the writing. My biggest problem with the last few games is that there’s just been too much fanwackery, shoe horning in older characters while adding in new ones that are about as interesting as a freshly painted wall. Well, to Telltale’s credit, they actually stepped it up a bit. I did laugh out loud a few times, and the new characters are endearing as well as funny in their own regard, the best one being the Pharaoh Sammun-Mak, who behaves like the snobby Prince of Persia, if he were a five-year-old boy with the attention span of a goldfish. It was actually quite hard to write jokes chastising this game, because it was pretty well written.

So, yeah, I’m definitely going to keep watching this series. Episode 3 isn’t as good as Episode 1, but it’s going in the right direction, and it’s good to see that the developers aren’t taking everything so seriously. I realize that the last paragraph was rather dry, so I’m gonna end this review on a joke:

A baby seal walked into a club.

Now, Alan Wake was developed by Remedy, a company who’s known for naming protagonists after the primary feeling they encounter, often with hilarious results such as “Max Payne”. They have decided to keep with this time honored tradition with their new protagonist, Alan Wake (most likely an ironic name, because it’s the opposite reaction of what the average Xbox player would have while playing this game). Wake is a crime fiction writer who’s been going through a bit of a depression, having not written a book for about two years. He decides to go on holiday with his wife to Bright Falls, a town so podunk and hillbilly I wouldn’t be surprised if everybody’s family tree was just a series of straight lines.

As it is always, things aren’t as they seem—his wife gets kidnapped, and our hero sets out to correct right from wrong, saving the world and all that jazz.

You might complain that this has a resemblance to a certain pussy-whipped protagonist who happens to wander around in foggy areas trying to avoid a guy with a triangle for a face, but I would retort by smacking you upside the head, you critic. If the main character didn’t have a loved one currently about to be penetrated by Satan’s cock, then what’s to stop him from catching the first ferry ride out of town, rather than risking his life to put down an evil entity that currently isn’t doing anything other than fucking with some rednecks.

The story itself is pretty good, with its own set of twists and turns that lead up to a rather satisfying conclusion, but I do have a problem with the titular character himself: Alan Wake.

The problem is that he’s a Keven Spacey short of the usual suspects, if you know what I mean. The guy’s sort of a cunt, is what I’m saying.

Ok, so he’s supposed to be a writer, right? And supposedly he’s a pop culture icon who often appears on TV, as well as having many female fans. Pfft, fuck off, Remedy. I don’t know what magical fantasy world you guys live in, but writers aren’t very sociable people. In fact, most of them keep to themselves. Hell, even if you’re lucky enough to appear on Oprah, unless your name is J.K. Rowling, Stephen King, or maybe even Stephanie Meyer, you aren’t exactly going to be swarmed by fans when you walk down the street. Women don’t go for writers. A bitch would rather go with an artist than a writer, because the general consensus is that anybody can be a writer. Look, I don’t see Stephen King currently swimming in a pool filled with vagina, so what chance have you got?

That last paragraph was more for the setting itself, so all right, I’ll actually talk about Alan now.

For a writer, Alan isn’t very quick witted. That’s not saying he should be wise cracking at every opportunity, but he should at least be more interesting than a wet paper bag. He has this thing about narrating every action with such ham-handedness that it would make his noir cop ancestor blush. He describes EVERYTHING that is happening, like I’m in a bad Frank Miller comic and the audience is a blind mouse. Seriously, he’s like “I needed to get past this gate, there must be a generator around here somewhere” or “The darkness swallowed up the ground, I had to get to the streetlight fast” or “I was really hungry, I should probably get some chips. There must be some potato chips in the fridge—” SHUT UP WAKE I’LL GO FIND THE FUCKING CHIPS, JESUS!

The thing with Max Payne was that his inner monologues were par for the course in the universe he was in. All of the hard boiled detectives walking the beat would narrate and talk about this or that in a poetic way, sort of like Shakespeare if he got punched in the face a few times. But with Alan, it just sort of detracts from the horror of the events that are taking place. It would be like watching The Hills Have Eyes for the first time, but flicking on the commentary track.

Overall though, I feel like it’s a step in the right direction for video games. Forgive me for getting a little bit introspective, but I’m going to be using a lot of big words from here on out to describe my feelings of games as a medium. The medium is populated by nerds, like myself. As such, there is a certain cultural restrictiveness that forces games to only ever make games in the sci-fi, fantasy, or military genres. There seems to be no willingness to go deeper, to explore further into the human psyche or society itself because, well, as nerds, all we want to see is Kratos forcing a minotaur to give a terminal blowjob with his blade. I’m happy that there is some willingness to get away from that and start really exploring concepts beyond our understanding.

WHOOPS THERE I GO AGAIN WITH THE ART STUFF. Guess I’d better wrap this up before I start talking about how Dante from Devil May Cry represents the folly of man’s greed.

All right, guys. Here we are again with Sam and Max: Freelance Police, once again out to save the world, or kill lots of people trying. They go where no dog and rabbit-thing have gone before, daring to travel the world, letting no inventory go uncluttered, in their quest to rub various knick-knacks together in order to keep us safe. In this adventure, they are–

…Who the hell are those jerks?

Well, these guys are Sameth and Maximus, the ancestors of our heroes, whom appear on some magical film reel–THEY HAD PARENTS?!

Wait, wait. Hang on. We need to start from the beginning.

After the duo beat Skun’kape in Episode 1, Sam and Max discovered the fossilized remains of themselves next to a mystical film projector, which allows them to take the form of their ancestors, Sameth and Maximus, on their quest to obtain the Devil’s Toybox from the Tomb of Sammun-Mak. All of this has a vague resemblance to the evil Lovecraftian god Yog-Soggoth, whose current role in the story is…well, being an elderic horror, I suppose. This is Sam & Max, so it’s not like Yog-Soggoth needs any reason to come to our world; he probably just doesn’t want all those human recipie books he bought off Amazon to go to waste.

The narrative is pretty straightforward—Sameth and Maximus act the same as their less-clothed decendants, bouncing wit and narcissism off each other in order to solve puzzles—but the aforementioned projector gives Max the power of “astral projection,” allowing you to jump between different parts in the story at will. It’s definitely a very interesting mechanic, as you gather information from one source in a different part of the story and bring it to another time, where it can help solve a puzzle. It does sometimes add to the frustration of adventure games, as you’re never really told when you’ve done as much as you can in one reel, which then forces you to flip back and forth between scenes to figure things out like you’re an Alzheimer’s patient trying to watch The Da Vinci Code, but overall I do like how it takes away some of the busywork. Usually when you’re playing an adventure game, you have to practically put the whole story on hold to go wandering around, clicking on anything visible in case you missed an item, but this time you can just jump to another reel and solve another puzzle before coming back to the one you’re on.

I will give Telltale credit—this is probably their prettiest game yet. If Episode 2 were a woman, she’d be that nerdy girl you knew last school year who suddenly became hot over the summer. Everything is crisp and interesting; whatever they are paying their artists isn’t enough. I really dug the whole 1900s feel to the game, and everything from the older version of Sam and Max’s street to the Tomb of Samun-Mak itself looks great.

As for the gameplay itself—well, it’s an episodic game series. What do you expect? I could just copy and paste my review of the last episode and go off playing the third one, and you wouldn’t miss much. Well, all right, besides the traditional item rubbing that comes with adventure games, Maximus has gained some new psychic toys to play around with. I was a little curious what they were going to attempt, because you can’t get more awesome than the teleportation, future vision, and telepathy from Episode 1. This time around they’ve given you a creepy doll that reminds me of Chucky, which gives Max the power to throw his voice into any person or object he sees, which can and does get used for hillarious results. Believe me, I can personally think of several different ways I could fuck with the world using that power, most of which contain the phrases “Oval Office” and “toilet.” Hell, just let me loose in the natural history museum and watch me scar an entire generation of first-graders. The second power turns you into a can of peanuts.

Yeah. That’s it.

Seriously.

I mean, what the hell, Telltale? Is that really all you guys could think of? A power that temporarily allows you to blend into the environment at a Sobeys? I can think of many other abilities I’d much rather have! I mean, it’s useful, but dammit, it’s boring! It’s like having the power to accurately calculate the current sea level of any city: Useful in a pinch, but not cool enough to score you numbers at a party.

Anyways, as I said before, some of the puzzles are awesome, as usual with Telltale. My personal favorite is when you have to mess around with the various mole curses, getting the moles to hate you enough so that they afflict you with either bad luck, sexual rejection, or even turn Max into a cow. The ability to jump between the reels also adds another dimension to the game, proving once again that Telltale is great at what they do: Creating weird puzzle shit for the player.

There are a few things that bother me about this episode, though, that keep it from being amazing.

First of all, I’ll admit that I was a little too harsh on the first episode. After I played through it again, I found a lot more to like, and there were some genuinely funny jokes that were true to the characters.  This episode, though, seemed to be lacking a bit, as if some of the jokes were written for another series. I did a little research, and found that the writer for this episode was actually the guy who wrote for the Wallace & Gromit games, which although I haven’t played, might explain why I didn’t take to this episode so much. Some of the jokes imply a sort of nativity and stupidity to the characters, and attempt to play straight all of the tropes that Sam and Max are supposed to parody. I did laugh a few times, but I think Sam and Max were at their best when they had two or three head writers on staff. I know Dave Grossman is probably on vacation right now for having finished Tales of Monkey Island, but I really think Telltale should track him down, sedate him, and lock him in a room with the other writers.

AAAHHH! CREEPY DOLL! GET AWAY! GET AWAAAAAY!

Also, remember how I was complaining that the game seemed barren of all of the old characters, without the addition of any new ones? Well, it seems that somebody at Telltale read my little review and added in a few new characters, as well as some old faces. The problem with this is that these recycled characters didn’t NEED to be recycled. I did like the teenage girl mole and the odd grandpa mole, but let’s just say a certain vampire makes a return appearance that seems a little unnecessary. We didn’t really need a back story to him, as he served his purpose in that one episode. It’s like taking a banana and stapling a picture of a strawberry too it: The intention is nice, but in the end all you’re gonna end up with is a nasty paper cut.

The ending is also a bit of a flop, ending on a weird cliffhanger that leaves you feeling off. It’s nothing climatic or shocking, but it just didn’t feel right in the universe that Sam and Max put themselves in. Just take a look at the title for the next game, and you’ll have an idea of what it is.

So, in the end, I’m not sure yet what to think about this new season. The first episode started off promisingly, but the second one, while having some good ideas, didn’t really do it for me. But then again, Telltale still has three more episodes to go, and I’m still interested to see where they plan to take this, so I’d tell everyone to stick around. If you haven’t bought the new season yet, wait till you read my review of the third episode, and come back.

To sum it up, if Episode 1 was the start of a great date with an attractive woman, where she rests her head on yours during the movie, Episode 2 was her spilling a wine glass on your favorite suit and demanding that you pay for it.

We’ve now reached the final part of our Top 50 games of all time feature. Over the last two weeks, we’ve discussed 40 of the best games ever, spanning several generations. Before getting to the top 10, let’s recap the games we’ve seen so far, ADD style:

50. Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance - A stellar strategy game with memorable characters and plotlines.

49. Faxanadu - An NES action-RPG hidden gem.

#49 Faxanadu

48. Mega Man 4 - Added a layer of polish to an already great franchise.

47. Perfect Dark - A revolutionary FPS that helped change multiplayer gaming as we know it.

46. Deus Ex: The Conspiracy – An amazing, open-ended FPS-RPG with something for everyone.

45. Flower – An aesthetically pleasing, minimalist game that proves that sometimes less is more.

44. Star Ocean: The Second Story - An action-RPG where your actions can play a role in how the game’s robust story unfolds.

43. Sim City 2000 - A perfect balance of simplicity and complexity makes this the ultimate sandbox game.

42. TMNT IV: Turtles in Time – Great games don’t always need super graphics and gripping storylines—sometimes they just need Ninja Turtles, pizza, and a bucketful of ass kickery.

41. Banjo Tooie – An N64 classic adventure that will suck you in and have you laughing until the end.

40. Super Mario RPG - A Nintendo/Square collaboration could have yielded a game starring Mario as a thin, flamboyantly dressed, big-haired emo-warrior, but, thankfully, it gave us an excellent RPG set in the Mushroom Kingdom, instead.

39. Silent Hill 2 - What happens when a regular guy wanders into an empty town because his dead wife told him to? Pure fucking terror, that’s what.

38. System Shock 2 – A tense FPS in space with a more engaging storyline than the 50,000 other space FPSs that have come out since.

37. Mega Man 2 - Even more classic than the original. If you’ve played only one Mega Man game, it was probably this one.

36. The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past - This epic return to the style of Zelda 1 cleared up any doubts about the franchise’s staying power and confirmed that we’ll see much more of this green-clad Hylian for generations to come.

35. GoldenEye 007 - It’s already incredibly rare that a game based on a movie is good—but this one is so good that it actually revolutionized the industry.

34. BioShock - When you take a solid FPS, give it a steampunk retro-future style and add in an engaging story, you’re bound to come out with a classic.

#34 BioShock

33. Mystical Ninja Starring Goemon - An oft overlooked 3D platformer that combines varied gameplay with the quirk and weirdness only Japan can deliver.

32. Super Smash Bros. Brawl - Pushing mascot characters off cliffs has never been so fun in this installment of Nintendo’s self-tribute series.

31. Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic - This western-style RPG fully immerses you in the Star Wars universe 4,000 years prior to the rise of the Empire in a story that beats the piss out of any prequel.

30. Okami - It passes over the usual Greek and Norse mythologies to bring a beautifully stylized game based on classical Japanese mythology, and it’s a damn fun game to boot.

29. Mega Man X - After six games on the NES, the Blue Bomber was in need of some refreshing—Mega Man X delivered and improved on the original, helping to keep the series alive to this day.

28. Rock Band 2 - While Mr. Why-Don’t-You-Play-A-Real-Instrument-Instead is out on the quad playing shitty acoustic Dave Matthews covers, this party classic allows you to play a nearly never-ending playlist of songs with your friends locally and online in a perfect blend of goofy and awesome.

27. Lufia II: Rise of the Sinistrals - An RPG that offers great level design, no need for grinding filler and no random encounters—so it’s essentially the perfect RPG.

26. Star Wars Jedi Knight: Dark Forces II - Force powers, blasters, lightsaber duels, and nary a single Gungan in sight? Sign us up!

25. Katamari Damacy - A simple concept goes a long way when it’s infused with quirk, charm and a whole lot of fun.

#25 Katamari Damacy

24. Final Fantasy VI - Story, audio and cutting-edge graphics for the time—this game showed us what an RPG could and should be.

23. Fallout 3 - Bethesda’s newest iteration of the PC classic proves even more fun than the originals in this open-ended post-apocalyptic sandbox.

22. The Secret of Monkey Island - The charm of this laugh-a-minute puzzle-solving adventure demonstrates exactly why the SCUMM adventures of the 90s have such a huge cult following.

21. Final Fantasy VII - The most recognized Final Fantasy game around—and with such a great storyline, an unheard of presentation and one badass villain, is there any wonder why?

20. Tetris - A game with such far-reaching, universal appeal even your mom likes it—and she still calls them “Intendo tapes.”

19. Thief 2: The Metal Age - This well-polished PC stealth game is so good it almost single-handedly justifies nearly three decades of PC gamers’ nerd snobbery against consoles.

18. Mass Effect 2 - This relative newcomer is not only an incredibly fun shooter/RPG hybrid, but it also spins a furturistic sci-fi story that’s not just good for a videogame—it’s good. Damn good. Period.

17. Castlevania: Symphony of the Night - With a huge castle to explore, secret items and rooms, and addictive action, this game showed that ripping off Metroid might be the best move the franchise ever made.

16. Team Fortress 2 - Scout, Engineer, Spy, Pyro—all completely different, and all perfectly balanced in some of the most meticulously designed levels and the best class-based combat ever designed

15. Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney - It takes a really great game to make a fun time out of what is essentially a lawyer simulator. Luckily, Phoenix Wright IS a great game.

14. Secret of Mana - Take a great story with great action RPG mechanics, and, naturally, you’re going to have a great game. Add in some multiplayer, though, and you’ve got something beyond great—Secret of Mana.

13. Super Mario World - If Super Mario Bros. created the platformer, this sequel perfected it. Nothing has even come close since.

#12 Super Mario Bros. 2

12. Super Mario Bros. 2 - What do you get when you take a poorly-selling Japanese game, slap a picture of Mario over the main character, and trick Americans into believing it’s a proper sequel? A classic, apparently.

11. The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask - A game in which you keep the moon from crashing into the planet with the help of magical masks may sound dumb, but if your game plays similar to Ocarina of Time, then I don’t care if the point of the game is to collect magical rubber gloves that summon forth a giant demonic chicken—I’m still going to play the hell out of it.

With those out of the way, how ’bout you move on to the next page and check out the final 10.

Welcome back to the GameCola Top 50 Videogames, etc., etc. Now that you’ve had time to absorb and digest #50-31 on last week’s list, it’s time to move on to #30-11. This week we’ve got shape-shifting vampires, aspiring buccaneers, and a diminutive space prince, just to name a few. So, take a look-see through Part Two of our top 50 and let us know in the comments what you think.

30. Okami

Who’s to blame:
Elizabeth Medina-Gray – #4
Jeff Day – #16

In Okami, you play as Amaterasu, a sun goddess in wolf form, who must save the world from eternal darkness. Yes, you play as a wolf who’s also a god. This game is awesome.

The world of Okami is based on classical Japanese mythology, and one of the most immediately impressive things about the game (after the wolf-god thing, of course) is that every aspect of the game’s design plays off of this classical Japanese theme. From the stunningly beautiful pseudo-brush-stroke graphics, to the background music, to the main gameplay mechanic—drawing on the screen with a magical paint brush to affect the environment—everything about this game fits together perfectly, and it’s all so cool. Playing as Amaterasu feels like living in (and helping to create) a richly detailed work of art.

On top of its obviously impressive and innovative design, however, Okami is raised to the level of “great game” through its story and gameplay. The world of Okami is filled with engaging (and often, funny) characters to talk to, inventive dungeons to complete, and challenging enemies to fight. The paintbrush mechanic is exceedingly fun and rewarding (and surprisingly easy to control with the PS2 controller once you get used to it), allowing Amaterasu to do everything from drawing the sun in the sky, to directing a stream of fire, to making trees bloom—and all of these are essential to the game’s progress. Okami is, overall, a great game because it has a solid story, engaging gameplay, astounding visuals, and a lot of heart.

-Elizabeth “Lizo” Medina-Gray

29. Mega Man X

Who’s to blame:
David Donovan – #7
Michael Ridgaway – #14

If it weren’t for Mega Man X, I may never have grown up to love heavy metal as much as I do. When I first popped the game into my SNES all those years ago, I was expecting something along the lines of the last Mega Man game I played (6, I think). What I got was a title screen that blew my mind with an awesome metal theme song and crisp new graphics. The rest of the game did not disappoint, with the graphics providing colorful and detailed worlds that were as much fun to look at as they were to play and the music providing an awesome soundtrack that kept my little heart pounding the entire time.

Mega Man X took the Mega Man series to the next level by incorporating new mechanics such as the wall-kick and dash, by including more exploration and collectibles, and by including more of a story within the game’s action. It’s not without its flaws—for instance, the game’s final boss is notoriously tedious to beat, and this is a task I’ve only ever managed once or twice in my life—but overall the game sports an incredible level of polish and refinement. The X franchise has declined in recent years, but there will always be a special place in my heart for the one that came first and the unending love of metal it imparted on my tiny being.

-Michael Ridgaway

28. Rock Band 2

Who’s to blame:
Zach Rich – #5
Matt Jonas – #17
Christian Porter – #23

Whoever said that playing the real thing rather than these plink-a-dink toys was more fun…is still right. But for the sake of pick-up-and-play party fun, I’ve yet to encounter a game better than Rock Band 2. This game gets everything perfect: the look and feel of the rise of a rock band, the customization to make the band all your own, and a setlist that is absolutely killer—not to mention the other 1,000+ songs now available through DLC. There aren’t that many games launched in 2008 that still have the support and community that Harmonix has brought to RB2, and with a Green Day expansion and the next numbered title coming to us further down the line, the best rhythm game of all time is looking to become a hell of a lot better. Now…a little Porcupine Tree, Harmonix, if you will.

-Zach Rich

27. Lufia II

Who’s to blame:
Matt Gardner – #1
Elizabeth Medina-Gray – #13

Hands down, the greatest thing to have ever happened. Lufia II achieved an impeccable level of balance of RPG elements, creating an immersive experience that doesn’t once trip you up with excessive grinding, poor level design, boring characters, or other issues that have long plagued the RPG genre. The dungeons are well-designed, filled with fun puzzles and ZERO random encounters. The visuals are great, and the music is simply astounding. There are fun minigames and diversions, as well, such as raising capsule monsters to join you in battle, and winning bitchin’ new weapons from casinos. This game also contains one of the most compelling reimaginations of the classic “heroes save the world from evil” story ever. From an RPG standpoint, this game does everything right.

-Matt Gardner

26. Star Wars Jedi Knight: Dark Forces II

Who’s to blame:
David Donovan – #6
Nathaniel Hoover – #8

The Star Wars games have always been a curious anomaly: licensed games that are actually good. Not only have they frequently been good, but at times they’ve even been ground-breaking. I won’t pull a trick from the Nintendo Book of Marketing and claim that Jedi Knight is really a “first-person adventure,” but the immense and varied level design (that often places a surprising emphasis on platforming and adventure elements) leaves you with a sense that you are playing something more than just another FPS. This is not to say that Jedi Knight disappoints in terms of Stormtrooper-slaughtering mayhem. Why shoot enemies when you can choke them with the Force? Why choke them when you can shoot them while you’re choking them? Add in lightsaber duels, a Rancor fight (in the Mysteries of the Sith expansion), and the complete absence of midi-chlorians, pod racing, or Jar Jar Binks, and you’ve got one of the most solid and memorable Star Wars games ever.

-David Donovan

25. Katamari Damacy

Who’s to blame:
Elizabeth Medina-Gray – #12
Paul Franzen – #18
Jeff Day – #19
David Donovan – #20

What can I say? Katamari Damacy is just one of those games that excels at fun. Cute, funny, quirky (make that extremely quirky) but also very challenging, Katamari Damacy has something for both the casual and the serious gamer. OK, I don’t know how “serious” one can actually be while rolling a giant sticky katamari around the world and gathering up objects/people/buildings/etc., but you know what I mean. Katamari Damacy is on this list because it is crazily innovative (i.e. weird), addictive, and full of innocent fun (unless someone somehow wants to see the rolling-up-maidens level as not so innocent). Plus, the soundtrack is really great. The various sequels are good too, of course, but the original Katamari Damacy wins, overall, for its originality and just plain awesomeness.

-Elizabeth “Lizo” Medina-Gray

24. Final Fantasy VI

Who’s to blame:
Christian Porter – #6
Mark Freedman – #18
Justin Luschinski – #21
David Donovan – #23
Michael Ridgaway – #24

Before Square tried to sink its flagship by loading it full of pretty cutscenes and hoping we didn’t notice that the story and gameplay got shittier with every passing game, they used to actually try to make it one of the finest game franchises around. Never was this more clear than with the release of Final Fantasy VI.

It was ahead of its time in graphics, audio and gameplay, but FFVI’s enthralling storyline is what truly made this game a classic. It served as one of the greatest kicks in the videogame industry’s collective ass that if the industry is going to progress, we’re going to need deeper plot lines than “save the princess” or “beat that bad guy ’cause he’s bad.” FFVI paved the way for the complex storytelling of today’s games like Ninjabread Man Mass Effect or Metal Gear Solid.

-Christian Porter

23. Fallout 3

Who’s to blame:
Mark Freedman – #2
Paul Franzen – #21
Justin Luschinski – #23
Matt Jonas – #23

One of the greatest games ever…there’s just so much to do, and you can do it any way you want. The post-apocalyptic future world is your oyster. Jimmy is looking for his daddy. Maybe he can’t find him because he’s held captive by the Super Mutants, or maybe he can’t find him because you blew his head off. The choice is yours. Whether you’re a nice guy, a bad guy, or somewhere in between, there’s nearly endless possibilities. Part RPG, part shooter—this game has it all.

-Mark Freedman

22. The Secret of Monkey Island

Who’s to blame:
Paul Franzen – #11
Michael Ridgaway – #14
David Donovan – #17
Nathaniel Hoover – #22

Part of what makes The Secret of Monkey Island grab us by our hearts and just squeeze, squeeze, squeeze is that, at its core, it’s a game about wishes and dreams. (I’m being serious now; this is me being serious.) Forget about the treasure hunting, the insult sword-fighting, and even the rubber-chicken-with-a-pulley-in-the-middle; when the game opens with that beautiful star-lit night sky, and the hero introduces himself by saying “My name’s Guybrush Threepwood, and I want to be a pirate!”, we’re hooked. From that point on, the game might be mostly silly jokes about dairy farmers and leather jackets, but it starts with a tone of hope and ambition that sticks with us throughout all the pointing and clicking.

So what’s the game actually about? It’s the classic story of a young dreamer and his quest to become a grog-swilling, gut-stabbing, wench-wooing pirate—a quest that you get to help him with by picking up objects, combining objects, using objects, giving objects to others, and fooling people into believing that there is a three-headed monkey standing directly behind them. It wasn’t the first point-and-click adventure game, but its sense of humor, charm, music, loveable main character, story of hope, and total lack of any way for you to die without trying made it by far the best of its time, and, arguably, still one of the best today.

-Paul Franzen

21. Final Fantasy VII

Who’s to blame:
Matt Jonas – #5
Christian Porter – #12
Elizabeth Medina-Gray – #20

Revitalizing the role-playing genre through more than just the transition from 2D to 3D, Final Fantasy VII became the benchmark for all other RPGs. This three-disc behemoth has everything that was possible at the time—a gripping story, fantastic characters, a massive soundtrack, cutting-edge graphics—and they still had room for full-motion video!

The story has a very strong eco-friendly theme, and it takes you by the hand all the way through, chock full of surprises and suspense and other awesome words beginning with “s.” It is considered the best game in the series by many, including myself.

-Matt Jonas

Move along to the next page…

]]> http://gamecola.net/2010/05/the-gamecola-top-50-videogames-ever-made-in-the-whole-of-human-history-as-far-as-we%e2%80%99re-concerned-part-two/feed/ 12 http://gamecola.net/2010/05/the-gamecola-top-50-videogames-ever-made-in-the-whole-of-human-history-as-far-as-were-concerned/ http://gamecola.net/2010/05/the-gamecola-top-50-videogames-ever-made-in-the-whole-of-human-history-as-far-as-were-concerned/#comments Tue, 04 May 2010 01:04:53 +0000 Christian Porter http://gamecola.net/?p=10085

Here at GameCola, we know that videogames are much like any other entertainment medium in that greatness is a rare buoy in a sea of revolting garbage. For every Casablanca there are 100 Norbits, for every Rolling Stones there are 100 Insane Clown Posses, and for every Legend of Zelda there are 100 Jenga: World Tours. For this reason, greatness deserves to be identified and celebrated.

So to do this, we gathered together our crack team of professional videogame journalists and polled them on their personal top 25 favorite games of all time. These lists yielded 224 different games which were whittled down into a definitive list of the top 50 videogames of all time as far as we, the GameCola staff, are concerned. Since we are, of course, the most respected team of game journalists in all of Internetland, that makes this the most reputable, indisputable top 50 list in existence. However, everybody has their own opinion and nothing fuels fanboy rage quite like finding your favorite games were left off a Top 50 list—or, worse yet, that your favorite games were outranked by your least favorite. So I’ve included who voted for each game for your rage-flaming pleasure. If you’d like their home addresses I also accept bribes.

50. Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance

Who’s to blame:
Zach Rich – #2

I don’t mention it much, but the Fire Emblem series is one of those series that make me pee a little every time I see a screenshot of it. Here’s a series that offers some of the best strategic thinking you can get this side of a chess board, with more statistics and equipment than you can shake a dungeon master’s book at. It was really hard for me to narrow it down to one entry from the series to put on the list, but at the end of the day, the GameCube chapter, Path of Radiance, is the one that still stands out to me the best, thanks to a solidly engaging story, almost too many memorable characters, and so many little tweaks to what makes the series so great. If you want to get someone into the series, toss them this gem first. Ike’s story is a sad but exciting one, and it’s one I’ve had the pleasure of playing through again, and again, and again.

-Zach Rich

49. Faxanadu

Who’s to blame:
Jeff Day – #2

Faxanadu is an odd choice for this list. It was never extremely popular and it didn’t fly off the shelves to game-hungry children. However, I declare it one of the finest action-RPGs to hit the NES. Sure, it may be ugly and earth-toned, and the character design is a tad demented, but with solid controls, an interesting story (mingled with useless NPCs giving their two cents about nothing pertinent, such as getting my autograph), a truly wicked soundtrack, and one of the best sound effects for slaying I have ever heard grace the NES, this is definitely worth trying out. Plus, hearing that you don’t have enough Golds or the Guru’s phonetically disturbing mantra meditation/game password delivery is mind-blowing.

- Jeff Day

48. Mega Man 4

Who’s to blame:
Nathaniel Hoover – #2

Mega Man 4 set a new standard for what a Mega Man game should be. From slightly cleaner and more responsive controls to more detailed and less flickery graphics, Mega Man 4 made a host of subtle technical improvements over its predecessors. Though perhaps there are things that other Mega Man games do better, Mega Man 4 does more things well all across the board than virtually any other game in the series.

Mega Man 4 offers a wide array of fighting and platforming challenges as well as powerful, fun-to-use weapons that appeal to a variety of play styles. There’s a handful of references to previous games, a modest assortment of multiple paths, a bona-fide plot twist, and a high number of inadvertently glitchy things you can do to amuse yourself. Multifaceted in its entertainment value, Mega Man 4 is the kind of game all its offspring for the next decade wanted to be like.

-Nathaniel Hoover

47. Perfect Dark

Who’s to blame:
Justin Luschinski – #11
Matt Jonas – #16

Now, to most gamers nowadays, and to most PC gamers, this game might look like shit wrapped up in a blanket drizzled with fail. But back in the day it was amazing for anyone who owned an N64. Even now, concepts like different weapon firing modes have been left in the dust, to the dismay of many gamers. But at the time, it had amazing graphics, intriguing mutliplayer, a great story, great co-op gameplay, and it even had a mode where the first player attempts to beat a mission while a friend plays as one of the henchmen, which still hasn’t been topped to this day. For innovating wherever it could, Perfect Dark gets a high recommendation. Just don’t be a douche and use the Farsight, OK?

-Justin Luschinski

46. Deus Ex: The Conspiracy

Who’s to blame:
Justin Luschinski – #1

For PC gamers, this name is essentially the equivalent of Jesus for Christianity. Although the story, setting, and characters were well realized for their time, the most intriguing aspect of this game was the perfect blending of first-person action and role-playing game elements. You could level up your main character however you wanted. Want to go in with an assault rifle and repaint the enemy stronghold in grey matter? You can do that. Want to hack the controls for the gun turrets and turn them against their creators? You can do that. Want to become a one-man spy ass-kicking machine and sneak around bases beating people up with nothing but a riot baton and a pair of shades from Sport Check? You can do that. It was that personal touch of choice, combined with a great setting, that truly made Deus Ex a marvel to behold.

-Justin Luschinski

45. Flower

Who’s to blame:
Elizabeth Medina-Gray – #1

Without any text, overt storylines, or even much in the way of instructions, Flower shows us the sort of power that videogames are capable of. The premise behind this PSN game is remarkably simple: the player controls a single flower petal (or perhaps the wind?) and guides this petal through six different levels, awakening other flowers and generally making the world a better place. The game is innovative in its design and gameplay, and it’s a joy to control.

Flower is visually and aurally stunning in new and interesting ways, and that’s one reason, certainly, why it’s on this list. But this is much more than just a “pretty” game. I feel fairly secure in saying that some of my strongest emotional responses to videogames—ever—have happened while I was playing Flower. And those are emotions from very different extremes: joy, serenity, excitement, fulfillment, terror… I can’t really say much more without spoiling the experience for those of you who haven’t played the game yet, so you’ll just have to trust me on this one. Flower is a short game, but it is well-structured and does exactly what it sets out to do in the time that it gives itself. With astounding graphics and sound, and intensely absorbing and fulfilling gameplay, Flower is, in my opinion, very nearly a perfect game.

-Elizabeth “Lizo” Medina-Gray

(please proceed to page 2)

Of course, like all good things, it had to come to an end. When LucasArts realized that they didn’t need to spend so much money on all that overrated “game development” business and could just slap the name “Star Wars” on anything to make it sell, the company kicked out all of the greatest minds of videogaming. Several attempts were made to revive Sam & Max, but none of them were ever released, until an angel descended from the heavens, taking the form of an independent game developer named Telltale Games. They brought on Sam and Max, as well as their creator Steve Purcell, and they started releasing episodic adventure games starring America’s favorite (and only) dog and rabbit-thingy duo!

Newer! Shinier! Lagomorphier!

And they kicked ASS! The characters were amazingly realized, the voices were well acted, it was funny as hell, and since then Telltale has become a very well-known name in the games industry for making comedic games in a genre whose gameplay mostly comprises rubbing things together till the story progresses. So, with the release of their new game, The Penal Zone, have they made lightning strike thrice? Or did the third lightning bolt cause a massive heart attack that resulted in instant death, yet also cause a horrible but misunderstood abomination to walk the earth?

Well, the answer is SHUT UP AND I’LL TELL YOU! I’m trying to give a review here, and you had to go off and read all that boring exposition and tortured metaphors. Jesus.

OK, I guess we should start at the beginning.

Sam & Max: The Devil’s Playhouse, Episode 1: The Penal Zone, Part 1: The Return of the Jedi-*GASPFORAIR*.

OK, so SMTDPTPZ puts you in the shoes of Sam, a crime-fighting giant talking dog with a fixation for long-winded anecdotes and donuts, and Max, a bipedal sociopathic rabbit thingy with such a huge row of razor-sharp teeth that you wonder what he had to eat to evolve into that, as they are currently in the clutches of General Skun-ka’pe: an alien ape who is hell-bent on destroying the Earth. You eventually get Sam and Max out of confinement, turn Max into a bazooka, and defeat the main villain, in what you uneducated masses might call “the ending.” I’m not sure what they were trying to do here; presumably spoiling the ending would be a joke of sorts, but this is played with a straight face, so I’m not too sure.

You soon find out from the narrator from The Twilight Zone that the previous scene was just a glimpse of the future that Max experienced after grabbing one of the “toys of power,” which are mysterious toys that give Max psychic powers. The pair soon see Skun-ka’pe land his battleship in the middle of their street with a message of peace and laughing babies, and they set off to discover the truth behind Skun-ka’pe and the toys of power. They save the world from destruction by causing more destruction!

The plot is your typical Sam & Max adventure, but a few moments seem like they are actually trying to give this game a deep storyline, which I don’t approve of. Come on you guys; I thought Sam & Max were supposed to lampoon tropes, not become them! Thought you could slip the word “Yog-Soggoth” past me, eh?

Let’s cut the foreplay guys and gals: I LOVE the Sam & Max series! From the old cartoon to the games Telltale’s been putting out, they all feature a hilarious subversive sense of humor that’s extremely anarchic and parodies everything from child actors to vampires. But like a well-designed sculpture with tarantulas all over it, problems arise when you actually touch these games. Adventure games don’t have what you would call “innovative gameplay” (or, rather, gameplay at all), so it’s not surprising that people stopped playing them. For this reason, I’ve got to hand it to Telltale; Max’s powers might possibly be the greatest idea ever conceived by a team of human beings until we perfect the orgasm pill.

Max’s newfound psychic abilities can be used anytime, anywhere, and on almost anything, and they play a big part in solving the problem of most adventure games—the aforementioned random item-rubbing to progress the plot when you’re stuck. Max starts off with the ability to see a small glimpse of the future, which eventually just turns into an extra hints system, but once again I tip my hat to Telltale for putting in some diabolical jokes involving this power. Max’s second power is the ability to teleport to any phone number he knows—which is a really specific prerequisite for this power. It’s like having the power to turn yourself invisible, but only when you stick a live mackerel down your pants. Regardless, it’s still pretty damn cool; it removes some of the running around and offers some unique puzzle-solving that actually requires your brain instead of random guesswork.

Where Sam and Max truly succeed in their comedy is how they parody the standard buddy cop trope of one cop being the crazy loose cannon and the other being the straight man who can reel him in and provide something for him to flick flesh-eating scarabs off of him. While Max fills the role of the loose cannon and Sam acts as the straight man, there are so many moments where you can’t tell which one is more insane. Hell, one time Sam almost [SPOILER SPOILER OH GOD SPOILER] shot his past self when it called him fat [ALL CLEAR! I REPEAT! ALL CLEAR!]. Luckily, Sam and Max remain unchanged, playing off of each other and going about their business, not caring about the ramifications of their actions and hilariously screwing with the laws of physics like they always are. Though I wonder how they still seem able to find work.

Oh, and the game also features the same annoying control scheme as Tales of Monkey Island, but I honestly don’t notice it so much now. It was probably implemented to help with the iPad and console versions. Hmmm…this must be what Stockholm Syndrome feels like.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Justin, stop riding Telltale like a mechanical bull at a gay cowboy bar! Get to the hate already!” I’m honestly offended you would even suggest that! I am an unbiased critic (e-mail:jluschinski@shaw.ca) whom wouldn’t even dream of kissing up to a developer (ivehadwritingfeaturedpleaseemailme) just for the possibility of getting his foot in the door of the games industry–OH CHRIST I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE PLEASE HIRE ME! I’M A GOOD WRITER AND I’LL BRING YOUR SLIPPERS IN EVERY MORNING! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!

*ahem*

OK, there are some negative points I want to talk about.

While I do like these new powers, the problem is that those are the only ones you use! OK, sure, you can play around with the Rhinoplasty that lets Max turn into any inanimate object he smears it over, and the deck of playing cards that lets him read minds, but you only get to use these powers twice before the game snatches them away from you. Come on Telltale, I know coding anything beyond a level transition and a psychic hints system is hard and shit, but you could have skipped a few suppers to at least fully code in the mind reading! A few more nights of hard work voice acting and writing hasn’t killed anybody yet—at least, nobody that EA has told us about.

Hey! I didn't have an awesome desk like that when I worked as a narrator! I'm calling the union!

Although Sam and Max are great, the other characters in this game aren’t as up to par. For starters, there are only three new faces around town: The elusive Grampa Stinky, the alien brain, and General Skun-ka’pe.

Grampa Stinky has got the whole grumpy sea captain act down so well that you’d expect him to have an odd fascination with harpooning whales. Ultimately though, he doesn’t do much else besides grumble at all these new kids today. General Skun-ka’pe is a rather blatant homage to Planet of the Apes, and as such isn’t as outrageous or unique as the other villains of the series. I mean, he’s got some funny moments, but mostly he is just so blatantly evil that even the in-game characters don’t believe his attempts to kiss babies on the head to be earnest. When you put him up to Brady Culture, the shambling corporate presence, or any of the other villains, he just feels one dimensional.

Then there’s Momma Bosco, a character who appeared briefly in the last two episodes of the previous season and now manifests as a ghost/scientist that only serves to give Sam and Max the specific MacGuffin they need to keep the story going. She’s very bland when compared with her son Bosco and his lovely paranoia; they could have just replaced her with a magical treasure chest with rubber breasts attached to it. The only new character I really liked was the alien brain, who was so delightfully juvenile despite being a supposed all-powerful psychic entity. He acts all wise and mysterious one second, and then begs Max to show off his cool new powers the next.

You might be wondering what the rest of the cast is up to, and I would reply “that’s a very good question because they all seemed to have caught the sniffles and phoned in sick.” There’s no sign of Sybil Pandemic, Bosco, Abraham Lincoln, the Soda Poppers, or Jimmy Two-teeth and his Tourette’s syndrome son! I mean what the hell, Telltale; that’s like half the freaking cast! The city feels less like a city and more like a town. A town with a lot of fog and a guy with polygons for a face. Harry Moleman is back, but he’s been reduced from the leader of the mafia to the series punching bag. Stinky, the uncaring manipulative diner lady and representation of today’s youth, is still tending the diner beside her grandfather, but her addition last season wasn’t exactly like mixing chocolate with peanut butter, if you know what I’m saying. The glorious Agent Superball returns, but without a song and dance routine or without retaining any of the deadpan humor that made him funny the last time. I mean, he went from randomly breaking into song and dance and asking the player to rub his unicorn with a straight face to a standard G-man. What happened? Did he just get off a bad relationship and wasn’t feeling up to speed? Did he catch the sniffles like everyone else, but already used up all of his sick days? Did he accidentally mind wipe one of the writers with his MIB sunglasses?

And while there were some chuckle-worthy moments, and even one or two laugh-out-loud moments, the dialogue just wasn’t as punchy as it should have been. I heard the phrase “Yeah…right” in a smug, sarcastic tone a lot, which is just bad humor. To put it in perspective, it’s like asking Santa Claus for a Batman action figure with a kung-fu grip, and getting a Robin action figure with a rocket launcher instead: still pretty cool, but you can’t help but want more.

Also, “The Devil’s Playhouse”? Didn’t we already visit the Devil’s Playhouse in Season 2? Hell, Sam and Max are so buddy-buddy with the devil that they have their own statue down there! I’m not kidding; the lord of darkness himself regards Sam and Max as the greatest heroes of hell, so much so that there is a golden effigy of both of them!

So after all of my bitching and whining, the question remains: is this game worth buying? Well, I suppose it is. It’s got some good laugh-out-loud moments and the psychic powers are definitely a welcome improvement, but it wasn’t as funny as previous seasons, and the town feels noticeably bare. I still love you Telltale Games, and I’m still gonna throw my money into the pot for the season. But I’m watching you, Telltale. I threatened my editor with the possibility to welcome the sweet embrace of death to get an opportunity to play this; you do not want to know what I’m going to do for a review copy of the second one. Let’s hope Paul’s accident will not be in vain.