FUNNER fact: GameCola’s very own video walkthrough for Episode 2 of Back to the Future: The Game has been uploaded to our video channel! Come listen to Paul, Michael Gray, and myself offer commentary for the second episode. Watch as my mic cuts out and I try in vein to get Michael and Paul to stop talking about their favorite BttF ships!

…Well, actually, ignore that part. The rest is totally legit and awesome, though. I swear.

Check here, here, here, over here, here again, right here, here, here, and finally, HERE. The last one is in caps because I finally got my mic to work right in that one. AW YEAH.

Stay tuned for Episode 3: Marty Ruins Everything Again.

This classic GameCola article was originally published in January 2008.

Hey, everyone! Last month, I mentioned that I had some adventures on Bird-Girl Island. Well, just for the heck of it, I decided to write a story about these adventures. It starts off as fun(ny), but then evolves into a mature piece with dramatic material like torture and burning people at the stake. I’m not sure why. Paul and Lizo were there, too. Anyway, hope you enjoy the story!

Michael and Paul’s Adventures on Bird-Girl Island

ACT ONE

In Which Michael and Paul Land on Bird-Girl Island

PAUL

How much longer do we have to do this?

MICHAEL

Not much longer, I think.

PAUL

You think? You think? We’ve been tramping across these stupid mountains for over half an hour now! If we don’t get there in five minutes, I say we turn around and go home.

MICHAEL

It has to be here! Don’t you think so?

PAUL

I don’t know what to think, Michael. If there is such a place, I don’t think these stupid birds can–

(Paul’s bird pecks Paul.)

Ow! The stupid bird bit me!

MICHAEL

Guess the bird isn’t so stupid after all.

PAUL

Well, even if the birds know something, the people reading this don’t. Tell them what’s going on, Michael.

MICHAEL

OK.

(To Audience)

O GameCola readers,
Hear this tale of Michael and Paul.
We are good gamers,
But we have left the world of gaming.
Not that we don’t like playing videogames,
The videogames that come out today are great,
Great big wastes of time.
For every forty-hour RPG that comes out,
Thirty-nine of those hours are spent on useless sidequests.
Paul and I are sick of it.

One day I met an old man.
The old man told me of a gamer’s paradise,
The land of the birds.
He said the games there are always fun,
And you don’t have to waste time with sidequests,
The graphics are always beautiful,
And the controls are easy to master.

He sold me these birds,
And so I got my friend Paul
To come with me, and follow these birds
In hopes of finding the gamer’s paradise.

PAUL

Why did you say all that in verse?

MICHAEL

It’s more poetic that way.

PAUL

I think it’s kind of stupid. I mean, we’re trying to find a magical paradise called the land of the birds? That’s stupid. I’m leaving.

MICHAEL

But Paul–!

(Paul starts to leave, when a deep voice from out of nowhere speaks.)

DEEP VOICE

Who dares disturb the land of the birds?

PAUL

What the heck is that?

MICHAEL

It must be the guardian of the land of the birds!

PAUL

But there’s no such place!

DEEP VOICE

Again, I ask, who dares disturb the land of the birds?

MICHAEL

It is the guardian of the land of the birds!

PAUL

And he sounds mad at us! What do we say?

MICHAEL

How should I know?

PAUL

Michael, if you get me killed by the guardian of the land of the birds, I’m going to kill you!

(A flash of light, and the Guardian of the Birds appears)

GUARDIAN OF THE BIRDS

I’ve asked you twice, already! WHO ARE YOU? HUMANS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO VISIT THE KINGDOM OF THE BIRDS!

MICHAEL

Humans? We’re not humans! We’re birds!

GUARDIAN OF THE BIRDS

You’re birds?

MICHAEL

Uh huh! I’m an African…um….

PAUL

Crapnose. African Crapnose.

GUARDIAN OF THE BIRDS
(Suspiciously)

I’ve never heard of the African Crapnose…

PAUL

It’s a member of the quail family.

GUARDIAN OF THE BIRDS

I see. And what about you?

MICHAEL

He’s a Crapple, better known by the Latin name Turdus Maximus.

GUARDIAN OF THE BIRDS

OK, so you’re birds. Very well. What do you want?

MICHAEL

We want to go to Bird-Girl Island!

GUARDIAN OF THE BIRDS

Very well, I will take you there.

PAUL

Could you wait for just a second?

(To Michael)

Michael, this is crazy. I don’t want to go to Bird-Girl Island!

MICHAEL

But Paul! I can’t go by myself! You have to come along!

PAUL

OK…I’ll go along on one condition: That everyone who reads this article gives it a 5, so it becomes the highest-rated article ever.

MICHAEL

Agreed! Let’s go!

SCENE TWO: In the middle of the air. The Guardian of the Birds is flying. In his left talon, he is carrying Paul, and in his right talon, he is carrying Michael.

PAUL

Michael?

MICHAEL

Yes?

PAUL

I’m tired of doing this article in play format. Formatting all of our dialogue is really tough on the good GameCola editors.

MICHAEL

OK, fine, you big wuss. I’ll switch to a third-person narrative.

“Happy now?” Michael asked.

“Sure am,” Paul replied. He looked up at the Guardian of the Birds. “How much longer until we get to Bird-Girl Island?”

The Guardian of the Birds chuckled at Paul’s question. “Look below you. You are already here.”

“Oh,” Paul said.

“If we’re here, what are we waiting for?” Michael asked. “Why don’t we land already?”

“I myself cannot set foot on the island, because it is against the law for any males to spend time on Bird-Girl Island,” the Guardian of the Birds said. “I shall have to drop you into the island’s lake, rather than risk touching the sacred island’s shore.”

“Against the law?” Paul asked. “What’s the penalty for breaking the law?”

“Death,” the Guardian of the Birds said, opening his talons and releasing Paul and Michael.“Farewell!”

“AAAAAA!” Paul screamed as he and Michael fell in a forty-foot free fall. Michael didn’t scream, because he’s writing this story, so he wants to look like a brave he-man.

SPLOOSH!

Michael and Paul both quickly surfaced. Paul looked concerned.

“Michael, this Bird-Girl Island thing is looking more and more like a bad idea,” Paul said. “You didn’t mention that our presence here is punishable by death.”

“I didn’t know about it,” Michael shrugged. “Don’t worry so much. All we have to do is make sure no one notices we’re guys, and we’ll be fine.”

“But this island is full of bird-girls,” Paul pointed out. “One of them is bound to realize we’re not bird-girls ourselves!”

“Oh, stop whining already, and let’s start enjoying this!” Michael said. “Besides, we’re already through with Act One!”

Paul grimaced to himself, and swam to the lake’s shore.

Act Two

In Which Michael and Paul Get Separated. Michael Has Some Romantic and Freaky Adventures, and Paul Learns the Terrible Secret of Bird-Girl Island.

Paul and Michael neared the shore, where they could see a group of four bird-girls waiting for them.

“Uh oh,” Paul said. “Those bird-girls look like they’re angry at us.”

But Michael hadn’t noticed how angry the bird-girls looked. He was focused on something else. “Check out the redhead on the left,” he said to Paul. “She is hot for a bird-girl.”

Paul rolled his eyes. “Knock it off, Michael. We didn’t come here to pick up chicks.”

“Chicks?” Michael grinned. “You know, it’s kinda funny to call them chicks, because they’re bird-girls.”

Paul groaned. “If you’re going to make jokes like that, I’m getting out of here.” He swam to the shore and pulled himself out of the water, followed closely by Michael.

“Who are you, strangers?” asked the tallest bird-girl. “Are you men, whose presence on this island is forbidden?”

“No, no!” Michael said quickly. “I’m Michelle, and this is Paula. We’re girls, and we’re here for the gamer’s paradise.”

The bird-girls smiled. “Fellow gamers, then?” asked the tallest bird-girl. “We keep all the games inside. Dry off, and Igrene here can show you everything.”

Michael smiled. Igrene was the pretty bird-girl he had noticed earlier.

SCENE TWO: Bird-Girl Island, Top Floor.

Michael leaned back in his sofa and put his NES64 controller down.

“I love these old-school videogames,” he said, “and I especially love how you guys have a ton of sequels I’ve never seen before. I mean, Donkey Kong 64 2 rocks!”

“Those sequels were made by our special team of programmers here on Bird-Girl Island,” Igrene said.

“I don’t care how you guys got them, they are awesome,” Michael asserted. “Bird-Girl Island is the bset! It has everything that you could ever want!”

“Not everything,” Igrene said, looking down at the ground sadly.

“?” Michael asked. “What don’t you have here?”

“Love,” Igrene said. “There are no men on the island, so there’s no one to love.”

“You could love me,” Michael said.

“You!” Igrene said, surprised. “You’re a strange girl who showed up not less than an hour ago, and you think I could just love you?”

“Couldn’t you?” Michael asked, his eyes sparkling like, um, sparkling cider. [Author's note: Give me a break; I'm not good at writing love scenes. You know, this whole thing is kind of stupid anyway. I'm going to end the scene here.]

SCENE THREE: Below the Island.

Paul, meanwhile, had gotten kind of bored.

“Unlike Michael, I actually have a girlfriend,” he said, “So I don’t need to waste time having pathetic fantasies about bird-girls.”

So Paul decided to take a break from playing his PS360, and he started exploring Bird-Girl Island. Since he was on the lowest level of the island, he decided to go down to the basement, where he came upon a mysteriously clean hallway and several doors marked “PROGRAMMING ROOM; DO NOT ENTER AND DISTURB THE PROGRAMMERS”.

Now, normally, Paul would never enter a door marked “DO NOT ENTER,” but he was curious about the hallway, and meeting the people who programmed all the wonderful games on Bird-Girl Island.

“I won’t disturb the programmers,” Paul said. “I’ll just thank them for their wonderful work on the videogames here, and leave immediately afterwards.”

So Paul opened one of the doors at random, and went inside. He immediately gasped.

Working at a computer, no, chained to a computer was an attractive girl. A human girl, Paul soon found out, as she was being beaten by a large bird-girl. The bird-girl shouted, “Foolish human! We told you to finish programming this game a year ago! Why have you not done so?”

The girl cried, in fear and pain. “I told you, I can’t–”

A heavy punch to the eye caused the poor programmer to lapse into silence.

“It’s been over two years, and you say you’re not even halfway through with the game,” the bird-girl said. “If you do not finish by next month, you will not live to work on another game.”

Then the bird-girl stood up. “No food for this one until she finishes her foolish game,” she announced loudly. “If she dies from starvation before then…that’s her tough luck.”

The bird-girl then turned and left the room. Paul quickly ducked out of the way, because he knew he couldn’t be caught.

He knew he had to help that poor programming girl somehow. He knew he had to save her.

Because he knew who that programmer was.

It was his girlfriend.

Lizo.

Act Three

In Which Michael and Paul Incur the Wrath of the Bird-Girls and Attempt to Escape Bird-Girl Island.

“Lizo!” Paul cried, running to his girlfriend’s side. “What–how did you–?”

Lizo slowly looked up into Paul’s face, and her eyes moistened.

“Not again,” she whispered. “Not another one.”

“What?” Paul asked.

Lizo pushed Paul aside. “Go away,” she said. “Go away! You’re not Paul! You’re another hallucination!”

Paul’s eyes moistened. “Lizo, I’m not a hallucination, I–”

“You’re not real! You can’t be–!”

Paul put his fingers over Lizo’s lips. “Lizo, I understand, you’re hurt. I saw that bird-girl hit you. Why did she do such a terrible thing?”

Lizo laughed. “You know just as well as I do, Mr. Paullucination. I haven’t finished programming testgame, and they—they don’t like it when games are programmed slowly.”

“We have to get you out of here,” Paul said. “We have to get you away from Bird-Girl Island. You and all the other programmers that they’re keeping hostage.”

Lizo didn’t say anything or move. She just stared off into space. If Paul didn’t know otherwise, he would have sworn she was dead.

After an eternity, her lower lip trembled.

“Paul…” she whispered. “It’s…it’s really you.”

Paul felt the tears well up in his eyes again. “Yes,” he choked. “Yes, it is.”

Then Lizo suddenly jumped at Paul and kissed him passionately, as tears streamed down both their faces.

SCENE TWO: The Old-School Room.

“Wow, this fanfic has become unexpectedly dramatic,” Michael said. “Who would have expected Paul and Lizo to have a more interesting plotline than me?”

Igrene was busy playing Banjo-Threeie. “What was that?” she asked.

“Nothing,” Michael said.

“I’m so glad you came here,” she said. “Before you came, I thought I’d never find a bird-girl who could be my Player Two.”

“Igrene, I’ve got a secret to tell you,” Michael sighed. “I’m not really a bird-girl.”

“You’re not?” Igrene gasped.

“I’m not a bird, and I’m not a girl,” Michael said. “I thought that would be kind of obvious, but you bird-girls apparently aren’t very smart.”

Igrene flared up. “You—you—LIAR! I—I—I’m going to tell the elders, and they’ll KILL YOU! No one tricks Igrene!”

With that, Igrene flew out the window.

“Oh, crap,” Michael said. “Now I’ve got a mad bird-girl who wants to kill me. I’d better find Paul and get us off this island quick!”

SCENE THREE: The Programmers’ Room.

Paul and Lizo broke apart. “I thought I’d never see you again,” she said.

“I didn’t know you were here,” Paul said honestly. “But now that I do, I’m going to help you escape.”

Lizo pointed helplessly at the chains that kept her tied to the computer. “How? The only person with the keys is the captain of the guards, and she never leaves her room except to beat us.”

Paul thought for a moment. “If only we had someone who was willing to provide a distraction for us…” he mused.

“Only an idiot would do that,” Lizo pointed out.

Suddenly, Michael burst into the room. “Paul, we’ve got to get out of here! That crazy bird-girl I met is out to kill me!”

Lizo and Paul looked at Michael. “He’s perfect!” they both cried.

“Who’s perfect?” Michael asked.

“You are,” Paul said. “Michael, we need you to provide a distraction for us.”

“A distraction?” Michael asked. “Paul, did you not hear me? The bird-girls know I’m a guy, and now they want to kill me. We have to leave now, or they’ll probably kill you, too!”

“I’m not leaving without Lizo,” Paul said. “I’d rather be dead than abandon her.”

“Oh, Paul,” Lizo said adoringly, leaning in to kiss Paul again because he was such a sweet guy.

Michael pretended to gag. “There’s no time to do any kissing scenes,” he said. “This story is almost over. I mean, there’s only three scenes left!”

“Shut up, Michael,” Paul said, as he and Lizo kissed again. “If I’m going to die, at least I’m going to die happy.”

SCENE FOUR: The Captain of the Guards’ Room.

Igrene burst into the room belonging to the Captain of the Guards. “We have a dangerous situation!” she cried.

“Did one of the prisoners escape?” the captain asked.

“Worse! Remember the two girls who came to visit our island today? It turns out that they’re…men.”

A hoarse squawk flew from the captain’s beak. “We must kill them at once! Where are they?”

“I don’t know,” Igrene said. “But we should—no, look!” she said suddenly, pointing out the window. “There’s one of them now!”

Outside the window, Michael was running around and dancing, shouting, “Yo! Bird-girls! Look at me! I’m not a girl! I’m a man!”

“Grab him quickly!” the Captain shouted, as she and Igrene flew out of the room at top speed.

The room was silent for a minute, then the door opened and Paul stepped inside.

“I hope Michael can keep them busy long enough,” Paul muttered to himself as he looked around for the captain’s keys.

SCENE FIVE: Cliffside.

As it turned out, Michael’s distraction did not work well. After two minutes, he was caught, and taken away to be burned at the stake.

“This could have turned out slightly better for me,” Michael said to himself, as the bird-girls crowded around him and set up wood for the fire.

“Man!” the Captain cried as she started the fire. “Men are always killing birds! Now it’s time for birds to kill men! Die, man, die!”

“Paul, if you’re going to save me, do it soon!” Michael cried loudly.

But Paul did not come. No one did.

Michael held his head high. If he was going to die, he was going to die with dignity. Under no circumstances would he start cowering like a spineless wretch.

Then he burst into tears. “Let me go! Let me go! Let me go!” he bawled. “I don’t wanna die!”

The bird-girls started hooting. “Die! Die!” they chanted.

“You can’t kill me!” Michael cried. “If you do, who’s going to finish writing the story?”

The bird-girls started chanting louder. “Die! Die! Die! Die!”

Michael raised his head to the sky. “I don’t want to die like this!” he screamed. By now, he was crying so hard that it looked like he was attempting to put the fire out with his tears.

“You won’t die!” a voice bellowed from on top of the cliff. “They will!”

Michael and the bird-girls looked at the person on top of the cliff. Standing there were Paul and Lizo, along with all the programmers they had freed.

“The prisoners have escaped!” the captain of the guards shrieked. “Get them!”

“Kill them!” a programmer cried. “Kill them all, and then we’ll escape this horrible place forever!”

The programmers surged forward, as the bird-girls took to the air and started diving at them. “Die! Die! Die! Die!” they began chanting again.

“Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!” the programmers chanted in return.

“Somebody save me or I’m going to be burned like a Pop-Tart!” Michael screamed as the flames crept higher and higher toward him.

Paul and Lizo ran to help Michael, but as the battle raged, it looked like they were too late…

A bird battle

FINAL SCENE: The rough, mountainous countryside again.

“You’re sure you’re not hurt?” Paul asked Lizo again.

Lizo laughed. “I told you ten times already, I’m fine,” she said. “Besides, what about you? That one bird-girl scraped your arm pretty badly.”

“I’ll be fine,” Paul said, helping Lizo up toward the top of the hill. “It’s only a few more hills, and we’ll be back home. Let’s rest here, OK?”

“Whatever you want,” Lizo said, sitting down next to Paul.

They were silent for a moment.

“This is where Michael took me to go to Bird-Girl Island,” Paul said in a strange voice.

Lizo looked downcast. “I didn’t know him that well,” she admitted.

“He was kind of a goon,” Paul said. “But he died trying to save us. I’m going to miss him.”

Lizo looked out at the scenery. “What did all this mean?” she asked.

“All this?” Paul asked.

“All this craziness that happened. A crowd of bird-girls lock up programmers to torture them into making a videogame paradise. We helped free the programmers, but instead of escaping, they stayed to fight on the island. Now the island’s blown up, and most of the bird-girls and programmers are dead. What does it mean?”

“I’m not sure,” Paul said. “Maybe the moral of the story is that people should get along with programmers instead of acting like animals and treating them like prisoners.”

“Maybe it’s that there can never be a videogame paradise,” Lizo suggested.

“Lizo,” Paul said. “I don’t care if I play the worst games in the world. As long as I’m playing with you, I’ll be in videogame paradise.”

“Paul, you’re such a sap,” Lizo said, cuffing him on the shoulder.

But she smiled anyway.

THE END.

A race across three continents…

…into the homeland of the enemy….

…in his search for the Holy Grail.

INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE.

Have the adventure of your life…

…keeping up with the Joneses.

We’re halfway to the end. Beware: The games you’ve seen up until now were a walk in the park compared to these. What follows is pure, untamed garbage. Weapons-grade crap. Steel yourself.

25. Wall Street Kid (NES)

Just read my review. Wall Street Kid manages to find the small sliver of goodness found in investing fake money, rips its heart out, and stamps it on the ground, just like the kid’s in-game girlfriend who only loves you if you buy her a house and a car. For no apparent reason, the game starts on April Fools’ Day, but you’re a fool for buying this trash regardless of what the calendar says. It’s just awful.

- Mark Freedman

24. Dead or Alive Xtreme 2 (Xbox 360)

This game can be played with one hand. The other hand can either be used to pleasure yourself, or it can be used to repeatedly punch yourself in the face. The latter is preferred.

Breast physics and skimpy outfits, terrible unplayable minigames, and a game of poker that doesn’t operate like actual poker (not like I know how to play poker, anyway). Do these elements form together to make a game? Do they fuck.

- Matt Jonas

On the Other Hand…

I’m mostly going off of Matt Jonas’ review, which cited casual gamers’ disinterest in breasts as a primary strike against the game. I feel it’s unfair to judge a game by its audience, so I took it upon myself to do excessive extensive research of screenshots and gameplay footage before casting my vote.

I’ve come to the conclusion that, when you’re sifting through a thoroughly unredeemable pile of filth to determine which 50 games are most deserving of a New Mexico landfill, things like an absurd storyline, grating voice acting, profoundly flawed gameplay, and the blatant objectification of women are secondary when there’s just so much titillating eye-candy. We can still watch these absolutely terrible games without playing them, so it makes sense to offer a little amnesty to the better-looking games with the sexy, sexy slot machines.

I mean, c’mon, Wall Street Kid doesn’t have a casino that pretty.

- Nathaniel Hoover

23. Yaris (XBLA)

An on-rails shooter with sloppy aiming centered around a flying Toyota Yaris somehow results in an absolute mess that isn’t even remotely playable. The game doesn’t make any sense! What are you supposed to do in it? Why does it feel like you’re piloting a penguin on ice?

- Matt Jonas

22. Fatal Labyrinth (Genesis)

Complicated controls. Confusing interface and inventory system. Enemies that just won’t die. I had to play this game to get an Achievement in Sonic’s Ultimate Genesis Collection, and I haven’t touched it since. It wasn’t even designed for the Genesis originally; the SegaNet modem wasn’t exactly known for “great” games.

- Matt Jonas

21. Space Quest: The Lost Chapter (PC)

Whoa, how did this fan-made adventure game make it to the list?

This game that’s totally unknown to all but the diehards in the Space Quest fan community, and the chosen few who’ve read my GameFAQs review?

The game with a text-parser interface that doesn’t recognize words?

The game that’s dominated by unnecessarily huge, dreadfully bland, confusingly repetitive, and excessively swimming-intensive locations?

The game with the giant squid maze that—OH WAIT. THE SQUID MAZE. PRETTY SURE YOU SHOULD AVOID ANY GAME THAT MAKES YOU NAVIGATE A MAZE OF TOUCH-ME-YOU-DIE TENTACLES THAT BORDER AND BLOCK YOUR VIEW OF THE THREE-PIXELS-WIDE PATH STRETCHING ACROSS THE ENTIRE SCREEN THAT YOU MUST SWIM THROUGH TO PICK UP A STUPID BONE THAT’S NOT EVEN AN ITEM YOU OBVIOUSLY NEED, AND THEN SWIM BACK OUT THE WAY YOU CAME IN.

Also, there’s a bunch of grammar errors.

- Nathaniel Hoover

20. Rocky and Bullwinkle Adventures (NES)

All you really have to do is look at the game, and you’ll know why it made this list. A 5 year old could’ve scribbled this together. I know the animation from the actual animated series was never superior in any way to…well, anything; but this looks like one of the lowest-budget, gotta-get-it-done-in-two-days-or-the-boss-will-probe-me kinds of games. And what kind of a game forces you to hurt yourself when you attack? That’s exactly what happens when you use your antlers to charge as Bullwinkle: your health decreases. Rocky can only barely fly, too; wasn’t he supposed to be a FLYING squirrel? Yeah, way NOT to fly. The music is terrible, as well, causing eardrums to shatter across the nation. Quality assurance at THQ must’ve consisted of a man picking up the cartridge, looking at it, and saying, “Yup, it’s a cartridge, dagnabbit!” before applying the stamp of approval.

- Jeff Day

19. Timecop (SNES)

You can tell I’m the most qualified person on staff to discuss Timecop, because I watched five minutes of some guy playing it on YouTube.

The graphics look like a digitized cardboard cutout festival, and the levels seem to consist of you getting shot in the face and falling down three stories just to get shot in the face again. Ammo for your gun appears to be about as plentiful as ham sandwiches at a Bar Mitzvah, and the only other way to kill all three of the different enemies in the game is to do pilates until one of them trips over your foot. It’s like a poor man’s Batman Forever, and that’s a statement that makes puppies cry.

- Nathaniel Hoover

18. Two Worlds (Xbox 360)

There are many emotions that I like to experience whilst gaming—excitement, fear, happiness, slight arousal—but the only thing I felt when playing Two Worlds was embarrassment. I was embarrassed for this game, to the point where I was struggling to look it in the eye. For starters, all the characters look the same (like the malformed survivors of a nuclear holocaust), yet strangely, every villager talks with a different accent. And I don’t mean like one talks with a southern English accent whilst the next is a bit more northern; I mean that the local farmer sounds like a Scottish fisherman whilst his daughter sounds like she’s from Texas. Finally, let’s talk about the voice acting…Sloth from The Goonies could do a better job. Now get out of my house and don’t come back until you’re better than Skyrim.

- Jillian Dingwall

Throughout all entertainment mediums, one fact is universally true—there sure is a lot of crap out there. H.L. Mencken once famously said:

“Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public.”

The fact that Michael Bay movies are continually global blockbuster hits proves that this is true all over the world. Film and television live and die by this motto, and videogames are no different. Games that copy well-worn formulas are much more likely to be released than ones that try something new and clever, no matter how fun they might be, because publishers don’t like taking too many risks. Largely because of this, so many bad games get released that we’re barely even surprised by them anymore.

But our tolerance has its limits. Some games go beyond being a bit trite or a bit lazy, offering an experience so poorly crafted and terrible that you’re offended that such an abomination could even exist. The kinds of games that are just so loathsome they invade your subconscious thoughts until you find you’re sitting at work thinking of nothing but how sick it makes you that there could be somebody out there who actually enjoys and pays money for such terrible things, contributing to the offending developer and causing the cycle to repeat itself, and that this person is allowed to continue living each wretched day of their life without being publicly crucified with white-hot rivets in front of their weeping mother while you look on and just laugh at them as they breathe their last breath. Hahahahhahaha…

…or maybe that’s just me.

Regardless, here’s a bunch of games that are awful. Just awful.

50. Super Noah’s Ark 3D (SNES)

Where do I begin? For starters, Super Noah’s Ark 3D is a blatant rip-off of Wolfenstein 3D, reportedly even down to the SNES version’s code. This wouldn’t be terrible except that, yes, Wolfenstein 3D for the SNES was pretty bad, and somehow Wisdom Tree managed to make it even worse.

Scratch all the stuff about Nazis, killing, or anything interesting. Let’s replace all the soldiers with animals. And then we’ll replace your gun with a slingshot that fires tranquilizing pellets. Let’s also replace the somewhat colourful surroundings of German prisons with the inside of an ark. That’s more suitable for this game, but now the environments are all red and brown. If I wanted to see a ton of red and brown, I’d eat at the Olive Garden.

But perhaps most importantly, this game is bad because it’s a Bible game. No Bible game has ever been awesome—aside from Bible Buffet, anyway, but that’s only because it was more focused on the buffet, and very few vegetables are religious.

- Jeff Day

49. Winter Games (NES)

Ah, the bitter cold of wintertime. There’s not much to do outside, so you’re probably thinking about bundling up inside with a nice classic winter sports game. Can’t find your copy of NHL ‘94? Well, pop Winter Games into your cart slot and get ready for a bumpy ride. No, I’m not talking about downhill moguls; I’m talking about the overall cesspool that is this game. The controls are basically nonexistent, whether you’re doing Hot Dog Ariels (whatever that is), speed skating, or figure skating. While its crappiness does have a certain charm to it, it amazes me how such a steaming pile has an official Nintendo Seal of Quality on the box.

- Mark Freedman

48. Wolverine (NES)

How did LJN get their hands on so many licenses? And how could they possibly ruin a game about Wolverine? There’s so much they could’ve exploited: so much badassery, a whole assortment of enemies to fight against. Hell—they could’ve copycatted any decent action sidescroller and called it a day. Instead, the whole game setup just yells “generic.”

You may not know everything about Wolverine, but the one thing we can all agree on is that he has claws, and he shred enemies with them. But in this game, you won’t be using Wolverine’s claws all that much, since they are limited by a “berserk gauge.” Also, the claws aren’t very impressive; they’re only a few extra pixels attached to Wolverine’s fists. That’s lame!

- Daniel Castro

47. Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing (PC)

I honestly don’t understand how this game happened. I can’t fathom a scenario where it was looked upon by anyone in the company, and that person said “Yes, we can release this now. It is finished.” I’ve downloaded viruses that have done less damage to my computer than this game. I am genuinely concerned about the people who playtested it; someone should go look for them. If they thought this game was adequate, I guarantee they are still trapped in whatever room the testing occurred in, as there is no possible way they can operate a doorknob.

This is theoretically a racing game, but it is the first racing game I played where the other driver seems to have abandoned his car, probably because he was too embarrassed to be featured in this steaming pile of fail. The other truck doesn’t move, and after growing tired of waiting for him to do something, I tried to push his car along only to find out that I’VE BEEN DEAD THE WHOLE TIME AND PILOTING A DAMN GHOST TRUCK because I went right through him. Either that, or the game didn’t bother to include any collision detection, as you can drive through anything and the game doesn’t seem to have any problem with that.

Big Rigs is less a game and more a practical joke on the gaming community—the equivalent of a company releasing a game that Rick Roll’d you when you tried to play it. I would call this game trash, but I feel like that is unfair to trash. So instead I will say that there is absolutely nothing good about this game at all and that the spouses of everyone who worked on this game now have legal grounds for having their marriages annulled.

-Nikola Suprak

46. Karnov (Arcade)

Karnov for the NES is an…OK game. Nothing special, but if I can finish it, there must be some merit to it. However, that game stems from an arcade version that will violate you mentally…and possibly sexually, if you play it the wrong way.

The biggest issue is the game’s difficulty: boss battles often require you to avoid so many projectiles that you might as well be wearing a bulls-eye on your forehead. Enemies are also quite plentiful and have no problem killing you in one hit. But what’s worse is the timer: It’s practically impossible to beat the final level, not ONLY  because of all the obstacles you need to overcome, but also because there just isn’t enough time to get to the final boss and defeat it.

Karnov is also filled with weird characters that really don’t make any sense being there. Where can you find dinosaurs living in the same region as a circus? Why are buff bodybuilders trying to slaughter you? Why are there half-centaur, half-caterpillar women in existence at ALL? Karnov is the only drug you will ever need. Plus, the ending sucks. It just sucks. Sucks!

- Jeff Day

45. Rambo (NES)

Whatever you do in this life, for the love of God do not play Rambo for NES directly after completing Platoon for the Commodore 64. You will be more disappointed than Anne Frank was when she got a drum kit for Christmas. In all honesty, my memory is a bit hazy on this one, as I have not touched the game since 1990 (and even then I couldn’t bring myself to complete it), but from what I can Google-remember, it was just straight-up boring. All you do is kill animals, which, considering I refuse to even kick a chicken in Fable, only made me depressed. In the end I gave up because I kept getting lost in its terribly designed layout—and, like most 9-year-old girls, I just wanted to kill some humans, anyway.

- Jillian Dingwall

44. Samurai Shodown Sen (Xbox 360)

SNK Playmore? More like SNK should “play more” games! Every massive flaw in Samurai Shodown could have been avoided if the developers compared it to the games that they were up against at the time. Shodown Sen is one of those games that goes beyond so bad it’s funny into just completely awful. Destroy all copies on sight.

- Matt Jonas

43. Nancy Drew: Message in a Haunted Mansion (GBA)

Nancy Drew: Message in a Haunted Mansion is a fairly good game. I like it a lot, and…wait, we’re talking about the GBA version? Ugh, forget it!

This is a great example of a bad port. Almost all the animation, voice acting, music and sound effects were cut out. Hope you like playing in complete silence! The graphics quality has taken a steep dive, and it’s impossible to figure out what to do unless you’ve played the original game. Perhaps worst of all, the GBA version retains the hideously difficult endgame challenge, which forces you to remember twelve different Chinese symbols and put them in the proper order.

The most positive thing that anyone has ever said about this game is, “The loading times aren’t that bad.”

- Michael Gray

Phoenix Grows a Beard

The Epic Adventure of Phoenix Wright’s Facial Hair
And His Attempt to Avoid Bachelorhood-for-Life

Brought to you by GameCola.

Things had started off well enough, mind you. They chatted for a bit about their lives and their jobs, but when Phoenix noted a minor contradiction in what the young woman said, he shouted “OBJECTION!”, purely out of habit.

Things went downhill from there.

Why is it that a goofball like Larry has no problem getting girlfriends, while I struggle to get a second date? Phoenix wondered. I mean, no offense to Larry, but I think I’d make a much better boyfriend than him!

All through that night, Phoenix kept comparing himself to Larry, trying to figure out why Larry was more popular with girls. Nothing made sense, though. Larry dressed like a slob, while Phoenix always wore a stylish suit. Larry couldn’t hold down a job, while Phoenix owned his own law firm. Larry had a bad habit of breaking things, while the only thing Phoenix ever broke was Manfred von Karma’s perfect win record.

Phoenix’s cell phone rang, interrupting his thoughts.

“Hey, Nick! How was the date?” a cheerful voice said.

“Hey, Maya,” Phoenix said. “It was horrible. She left to go to the bathroom after ten minutes, and she never came back.”

“Jeez, really?” Maya asked. “That’s the third date this month that you’ve screwed up, Nick!”

“Hey, I didn’t screw it up!” Phoenix said.

“Whatever, Old Man,” Maya said. “But like I said, you’re on your own from now on. I don’t know anyone else in LA that I can set you up with!”

“Thanks for the help anyway,” Phoenix said glumly. Man, he never thought he’d see the day where he was getting dating help from Maya. When did his life go so far downhill?

“Yeah, she was the last new girl to join the training dojo we have here,” Maya said. “Maybe Mystic–”

“Hey, do you think Larry is cuter than me?” Phoenix interrupted.

“What?” Maya asked. “Oh no, you are not trying to set me up with Larry. What kind of idiot do you think I am?”

“What? No!” Phoenix said. “I meant–”

“Both you guys are, like, ten years older than me,” Maya said. “That’s super gross, Nick.”

“Maya!” Phoenix said. “That’s not what I’m talking about! I just was wondering if you thought Larry is better-looking than me, because every other girl in town seems to think so!”

“Have you thought about moving to Chicago?” Maya asked. “Maybe there are some girls there who haven’t heard of you.”

“Very funny,” Phoenix said. “I gotta go now. Later.”

“Wait, don’t–”

Phoenix hung up on Maya and turned his phone off before she could call back. He kept on grumbling to himself about women, and by the time he got back to his apartment, he was exhausted even though it was still 8:00 PM.

Phoenix went to bed early. He couldn’t sleep, however; he was too worried. He just lay in bed, thinking deeply about things.

It took two hours for Phoenix to realize what it was that ladies saw in Larry.

It has to be the beard, Phoenix realized. Larry’s got a goatee, and I have no facial hair at all. There is nothing else that could possibly make him more attractive than me.

And that’s why Phoenix Wright decided to grow a beard.

“Hey, Nick!” Maya said. “Sorry I haven’t been–ACK!”

“Hey, Maya,” Phoenix said. “Long time no see. I guess you’ve been too busy–”

“Wha–what is that on your face?” Maya asked, pointing a shaky finger at Phoenix’s upper lip.

“This? It’s my mustache,” Phoenix said. “Do you like it?”

“That is not a mustache,” Maya said. “I’ve seen mustaches before, and they are not that horrifying.”

Phoenix rolled his eyes. He was pretty sure that Maya had never seen a mustache before, outside of a Super Mario videogame. “I don’t care if you don’t like it,” he said. “I’m going to grow it out. I think it’s cool.”

“We are going to lose the trial if the Judge sees you like that,” Maya said.

“The Judge happens to be a proud supporter of facial hair!” Phoenix said. “And besides, I need a new look. A mustache is the way to go.”

“Yeah, if you want to look like a drunken hobo!” Maya said.

Phoenix stroked his Mighty Stache of Awesomeness, which was a little scruffy. “You’ll see, Maya! This mustache is only going to help our chances in court!”

“This court finds the defendant GUILTY!” the Judge decreed.

“What?” Phoenix cried.

“No way!” Maya said.

Miles Edgeworth shook his head at Phoenix from across the courtroom. “Looks like you picked the wrong person to defend this time, Wright!”

“Next time, I get to screen the client,” Maya told Phoenix.

“Today is an off day for you,” Edgeworth continued. “You forgot to shave, and you forgot to bring a coherent argument!”

“OBJECTION! Lay off the stache!” Phoenix cried.

The Judge pounded his gavel three times. “You didn’t let me finish!” he said. “This court finds the defendant guilty…OF BEING INNOCENT!”

“WHA-WHA-WHAAAAA?” Phoenix cried.

Edgeworth slammed his fist down. “Your Honor! This is a courtroom, not a comedy club! There is no room for making jokes here!”

“My apologies,” the Judge said. “I just thought I’d try to lighten the mood a little bit.”

“So wait, which one is it?” Phoenix asked. “Innocent or guilty?”

“Oh, he’s definitely guilty of returning his library book late,” the Judge said. “Five-hundred dollar fine. Next case!”

“Too bad he didn’t throw the library book,” Phoenix said. “We’re probably not going to get paid for this case, now.”

“It’s all the fault of that stupid mustache!” Maya said. “The judge saw it, so he decided to rule against us!”

“The judge isn’t that fickle,” Phoenix said. “And besides, I grew this mustache to help attract women, not elderly men!”

“No woman would ever be attracted to a man with a caterpillar on his lip!” Maya insisted. “I’m a woman, so I would know!”

“Oh, yeah?” Phoenix said. “If you’re an adult, why do you still watch kids shows all the time?”

“The writing on those shows is much better than primetime TV!” Maya said. “And besides, we know the actors in half those shows! I’m just supporting our friends!”

“Oh, sure, that’s exactly–” Phoenix said.

“Excuse me, Mr. Wright,” a soft voice said.

Phoenix looked up to see a blonde bombshell dressed in a blue uniform. She would have looked very professional, except that the top few buttons of her shirt were unbuttoned.

“I’m so sorry to interrupt,” she said. “But I just have to speak with you.”

“You do?” Phoenix asked.

“I’m Lila Lovely,” she said. “I’m one of the bailiffs here.”

“I…I see,” Phoenix gulped. He never knew it was possible for someone to look so attractive in a bailiff’s uniform. “What can I do for you, Miss Lovely?”

The Lovely woman got closer to Phoenix, almost too close. He wasn’t used to women invading his personal space like that.

Maya coughed, which sounded suspiciously like, “Sleaze!”

“Oh, I think there’s a lot you can do for me,” she said in a husky voice.

This is a dream, right? Or a practical joke? Phoenix wondered. Because there’s no way this is really happening.

The woman wrapped her leg around Phoenix’s and ran a finger across his mustache. “I was wondering if you want to go out to dinner after my shift ends at six tonight? The three of us could go together.”

Maya fainted from shock.

“Of course!” Phoenix said. “I’d love to–wait, the three of us?”

“Just you, me, and the mustache.” Miss Lovely said.

“I’ll bring my hairy lips if you bring your non-hairy lips,” Phoenix said. It wasn’t exactly the smoothest line ever, but it was the best thing Phoenix could think up on the spot.

“My lips belong only to you,” she said. And as if she wanted to prove it, Lila brought her mouth up to Phoenix’s and–

“AHEM!” someone said loudly.

Phoenix turned his head around to see an angry Miles Edgeworth staring daggers at him.

“Do you think you could save your romantic rendezvous for when you’re not in public?” Edgeworth demanded.

“Uh, sorry!” Phoenix said, peeling Lila’s body off of his. “I didn’t mean to–”

“It’s OK,” Lila said. “Sometimes when I’m around handsome men, I just can’t help myself.”

“This is highly irregular behavior for a bailiff!” Edgeworth said.

“Here’s my phone number,” Lila said, pulling out a piece of paper from her pocket and handing it to Phoenix. “Keep it…safe.”

“I’ll keep it close to my heart,” Phoenix said.

Edgeworth clutched his chest, as if Phoenix’s corny line actually caused him physical pain.

“Oh, and the Judge wants to see you in his chambers,” she said. “He’s not the only one, though…”

Phoenix grinned, and Edgeworth frowned. “Are you quite finished?” he demanded.

“I guess Mr. Grumpy wants me to go,” Lila said. “See you tonight at six…”

“See you!” Phoenix said, waving as she left.

“I cannot believe how unprofessional you are acting today!” Edgeworth said.

“Ha!” Phoenix said. “I just got a date tonight!”

“Your assistant is unconscious,” Edgeworth noted.

“You’re just jealous because you haven’t had a date in over a year!” Phoenix said.

“Who told you?” Edgeworth demanded. “Um, I mean, nice try, Wright! But you have no proof to back up your statement!”

Phoenix raised an eyebrow at Edgeworth.

“My last six dates were all either murdered or accused of murder,” Edgeworth said. “Two of them were found guilty. …It’s sort of ruined my chances on the dating scene.”

“Wow, trouble really follows you around, doesn’t it?” Phoenix said. “Maybe you should try growing a mustache.”

“Everywhere I go, it seems like someone gets killed,” Edgeworth agreed. “And I think you should shave that mustache!”

“Not when it just got me a killer date!” Phoenix said. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the Judge’s chambers!”

“Nick, I had the craziest dream,” she said. “I thought that a girl asked you out on a date, because she liked your mustache!”

“That’s not true,” Phoenix said.

“Phew!” Maya sighed. “Because I knew that your mus–”

“Three girls asked me out, because they like my mustache!” Phoenix said.

“Wha-wha-wha-whaaaat?” Maya cried.

“It’s true,” Phoenix said. “I got lost on the way to the Judge’s chambers, and I ended up meeting this beautiful lady judge who asked me out. Man, I wouldn’t mind being the attorney for one of her trials! And when I asked a security guard for directions, she asked me out, too!”

“You–you have GOT to be kidding!” Maya said. “There is no way that three women would think an ugly guy like you is attractive!”

“Thanks for the ego boost,” Phoenix grumbled. “And I’m telling you, it’s the stache! Ladies love the stache!”

“It’s more likely that all the women in the courtroom are having a competition to see who can get the worst date,” Maya said.

“Jeez, why do you hate my mustache so much?” Phoenix asked.

“It’s ugly and stupid!” Maya said.

The two of them argued for a little while, until Maya remembered that Phoenix just visited the normally off-limits Judge’s chambers.

“So what did the Judge say, anyway?” Maya asked.

“He thinks I should try growing a stache and beard combo, like he has,” Phoenix shrugged. “It’s not that big of a–”

Not looking where he was going, Phoenix accidentally bumped into a short young woman.

“Ooomph!” she cried. Her possessions went flying everywhere.

“Oh gosh, I’m sorry!” Phoenix said. He squatted down and started grabbing things. “Let me help you pick those up!”

“You big buffoon!” the woman said. “Why don’t you look where you’re going?”

“Hey, I said I was sorry,” Phoenix said, looking up at the woman. “If you don’t–”

“Oh!” she said, looking at Phoenix’s mustache. She brought a hand to her mouth. “Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to snap at you! Let me make it up to you, by taking you to lunch!”

“He’s with me!” Maya said, grabbing Phoenix’s arm.

“No, I’m not!” Phoenix said. He pulled out a business card and gave it to the woman. “Call me!” he said, as Maya dragged him away.

“Jeez, Maya, what’s your problem?” he asked.

“Problem? I don’t want some trampy brownette trying to get her claws into my business partner!”

“Did you just say ‘brownette’?” Phoenix asked.

“Yeah, it means woman with brown hair!” Maya said. “Like a brunette, only brown!”

“I think you just made that up,” Phoenix said.

“I read it in a book somewhere!” Maya said.

“You can read?” Phoenix asked.

“You’re a jerk, Nick!” Maya said. “And you need to shave!”

Phoenix did not shave. Instead, he took the Judge’s advice, and he grew out his beard. Soon, Phoenix’s beard and mustache combo was attracting all sorts of attention.

Phoenix was loving it. Normally, whenever anyone looked at him, all they saw was his spiky hair. Now, all people saw was his awesome facial hair.

Long gone were the days when Phoenix had to practically beg girls for dates. Now, he had a date every night of the week. Sometimes, even two dates per day! Phoenix knew that he should stop being a playboy and try to settle down with one of his new female acquaintances—several of them were good enough to merit multiple dates—but Phoenix was too overwhelmed by the knowledge that actual women liked him!

“Another trial won!” Phoenix said happily, as he and Maya left the courtroom. “Once again, the beard saves the day!”

“I’ve told you a million times, the beard is not helping us win trials!” Maya said angrily.

“But it is,” Phoenix said. “The Judge and I have a beard connection going on, and that’s definitely helping. Haven’t you noticed that he doesn’t give me penalties anymore?”

“I did notice that,” Maya muttered. “But it’s just a coincidence!”

“Coincidence, nothing!” Phoenix said. “This beard is the greatest thing that ever happened to me!”

“I should shave it off in your sleep,” Maya said.

“Ah, come on, Maya!” Phoenix said. He gave a wink toward Lila Lovely the bailiff as they continued walking. “Why can’t you be happy for me? I’ve had more dates in the past month than I’ve had in the past five years!”

“I…it just bothers me, that’s all,” Maya said. “Everyone’s treating you different now. I liked it better before cheap girls started throwing themselves at you.”

Phoenix stroked his beard thoughtfully. “Actually, I was thinking of shaving…once I got a steady girlfriend, that is,” he said.

“Then get a girlfriend, quick!” Maya said. “I want the old Nick back!”

“Jeez, I haven’t changed that much,” Phoenix said. “…Have I?”

“Phoenix Wright!” a loud voice snapped.

“Franziska von Karma,” Phoenix said, turning around to face the Prodigy Prosecutor. “Tough luck in the courtroom, huh? Looks like I beat you again!”

“I don’t care about that, you fool!” Franziska said, snapping her whip on the ground. “I just want to know one thing!”

Phoenix gulped. An angry woman with a whip is a dangerous thing. “Y…yes?” he asked.

“When did you get so…handsome?” Franziska asked delicately. She reached out her hand and stroked his beard. “You are a sexy, sexy beast, Phoenix Wright, and I want you to be my boyfriend.”

The scream that came from Phoenix’s mouth could be heard from six-hundred feet away.

“MUST! SHAVE! NOW!” Phoenix shouted, running for the nearest exit.

Franziska put her hands on her hips. “I don’t believe it!” she said.

“It worked!” Maya said. She pulled some money out of her pocket, then gave it to Franziska. “Here’s your twenty bucks. Thanks for helping me out with that.”

“You’re welcome, Maya Fey,” Franziska said. “Although I must admit, he does look somewhat less foolish with that beard.”

“I don’t care,” Maya said. “I can’t stand that stupid thing.”

“Sometimes, it’s good to be dateless,” Phoenix said. “I don’t know why I ever felt jealous of Larry.”

The End

And now, for the exciting conclusion of the Turnabout Musical Interview! Make sure you’ve listened to the first part…first!

The folks from Turnabout Musical have yet to escape the podcast, and are still randomly singing.

• Which Phoenix Wright characters would be totally hot if Mia Fey possessed them
• How the art for the musical was created
• Animating videos frame-by-frame takes an incredible amount of work.
• What other musicals inspired the staff in creating their own?
• Random sing-off! GameCola vs Turnabout Musical!
• Don’t bring up Ace Attorney Investigations.
• Pleady and Tri were tazed in order to get realistic screams.
• How were the voice actors chosen for the musical?
• The truth about who the judge really is
• Oh, yeah, check out their website! And, their YouTube channel! And, Deviant Art page!

If this bullet list didn’t excite you, why are you still reading?! If it did, however, start listening to the podcast NOW! It’s right here! Or, there. Which is just below here:

GC Podcast #43

And, make sure to check out the new audio trailer for Turnabout Musical, as well!

Overture Commercial

And, don’t forget to rate and subscribe to The GameCola Podcast on iTunes! I forget if we mentioned that in this episode…

Welcome to “Oh, the Humanity!”, the column that reviews various videogame-based spin-offs. Nobody’s heard from this column for a while, because the old columnist, Zack Huffman, had to quit for the sake of his sanity. In fact, I’m told that he still weeps uncontrollably at the thought of videogame movies. Unfortunately, this means that the task of warning everyone about videogame-based horrors has fallen to me.

Speaking of horrors, it’s time for a pop quiz, readers! Which of these two things is worse?

a) Paying $130,000 for a degree at Santa Clara University and being valedictorian of your department, only to end up applying for the cashier job at Round Table Pizza because the hundreds of people you’ve sent your resume to have completely ignored you.

b) Not getting the cashier job at Round Table Pizza.

Answer? They both suck. Trust me. I know. But something that sucks just as much is the SCU Career Center The Miles Edgeworth Files, a book based off the Phoenix Wright videogame series.

The Miles Edgeworth Files is a manga,¹ which is a type of Japanese comic book. You read it from right to left, which is a stupid gimmick the traditional Japanese style. And while that’s a pretty good idea, it doesn’t work in translation, because Americans read from left to right. In this translation you have to read the pages from right to left while reading the text from left to right, which is guaranteed to make your brain explode if you try to understand it.

This book is a collection of twenty or so different comics, written and drawn by different people. Obviously, the best thing to do in a situation like this is what the Archie comics company does: establish a baseline for all illustrations. That way, even though the different comics don’t look identical, they look similar enough so that there’s no confusion.

And, double obviously, since these are all comics based off a videogame, the illustrations in the game are the baseline. The Edgeworth pictures in the comics should look like the Edgeworth pictures in the game, and the same with the other characters. Right? It makes perfect sense.

Sadly, this is not the case.

Each artist drew his or her own comic differently. Most of the artists favored the weird bobblehead-style characters shown above, presumably because lack of artistic talent doesn’t affect the quality of those pictures. Only about two of the stories have characters that look identical to their videogame counterparts.

And there’s no consistency between the stories. Edgeworth’s hair will switch from white to black to gray between stories, for no apparent reason whatsoever. What’s annoying is when the drawing styles switch in the comics themselves, and you end up seeing things like realistic Edgeworth talking to Bobblehead Gumshoe.

This is one of the better stories in the book.

OK, so maybe the picture quality isn’t ideal, and it’s hard to understand the plot. But it’s still a Phoenix Wright book, right? That means the stories are good.

Excuse me while I laugh harder than Detective Luke Atmey.

These stories read like bad fanfiction, instead of “official” casebooks, as the cover brags. Sure, sometimes the stories are based off the games, but more often than not, the stories are littered with confusing, out-of-character moments, like Edgeworth dressing up as Phoenix, Edgeworth returning to his twelve-year-old self, and Edgeworth dreaming about Maya while he takes a (cold?) shower.

Yeah…Edgeworth fantasizing about Maya. If Edgeworth were real, he’d probably sue for libel.

In all fairness, however, three or so of the stories are interesting/worth reading. Just like how only about three of the drawings look liked the videogame. I say Capcom fires everybody but those three artists if, God forbid, they decide to make another book.

Also if they decide to do another book, I think they should have pages larger than postcards. Maybe this just comes from reading too many full-page American strips, but they could have done a LOT better with bigger pages. That way, they wouldn’t have to spread each story across twenty pages, with an average of four panels per page. I mean, give me thirty minutes and a full piece of paper, and I bet I could do a halfway decent job at getting a story across in one page:

Anyway, in conclusion, I recommend buying this book if you work at a hospital that’s running low on vomit-inducing devices. Other than that, stay away. GameCola officially declares this Phoenix Wright manga to be something the Japanese producers should have never made.

Just like Apollo Justice.

1. Latin joke time! Why are they called manga? Quia magna non sunt! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Unfortunately, no one on our staff knows Japanese. This didn’t stop us from making a dub of the movie trailer, though.

It looks like they changed a few things for the movie. For example, Mia is now Phoenix’s twin sister. Also, Maya is pregnant. Pretty crazy stuff. I still think the movie looks pretty decent, though.

In a complete reversal from GameCola’s last podcast, Podcast #42 entirely revolves around Phoenix Wright! In an awesome GameCola exclusive, we’re interviewing the staff of Turnabout Musical! That’s right—not only is there an English-language musical all about Phoenix Wright, but we’ve got the staff here for the podcast! All this after Paul said we’d never have another podcast about Phoenix Wright ever again. Oh, Paul. Could you have been any wronger?

This podcast outdoes our previous record of eight podcasters by involving a whole FOURTEEN podcasters!!! I think this is going to be a tough one to beat. Alex Jedraszczak, Paul Franzen, Michael Gray, Michael Ridgaway, and Vangie Ridgaway form the GameCola side, while special guest stars Matthew Taranto, Tom Laflin, Sarah Williams, Joel Williams, Amy Williams, Kristin “Max” Bebber, Mimi Cattle, Matt Di Carlo, and Lucia Lobosvilla visit from Turnabout Musical.

Was that everyone? Were all of these people really there? I think so. Either way, let’s see what topics are covered in the FIRST part of the Turnabout Musical interview! Bullet points, please!

• Random singing!
• Which Phoenix Wright characters should totally go out?!
• Why Miles Edgeworth is forever alone
• Why Von Karma is perfect
• It’s Gotta Be the Butz!
• Paul doesn’t care about proper grammar.
• There’s a keyboard that says “Dictionary!”
• Random singing!
• Why the Turnabout Musical staff decided to make a musical about Phoenix Wright
• Edgeworth should totally cosplay Batman.
• Random singing!
• These show notes aren’t convoluted at all!
• Why doesn’t GameCola have awesome parties and road trips?!
• Matt Jonas is never going to get his question read.

The Turnabout Musical staff have really got it going on, so be sure to visit not only their official website to check out their FREE highlights download, but also see their Deviant Art page and YouTube channel to see other cool stuff like their Professor Layton vs Ace Attorney dub. Oh, but while you’re here anyway, you can hear all about them on our podcast!

GC Podcast #42