“HELLO MR. OWL, I’M GOING TO JUMP ON YOU!”

Giana Sisters DS is a squeaky-clean remake, developed with much love and attention paid, indeed. However, like all “remakes,” part of the original concept is lost along the way, making it seem underdeveloped, and at times, underdesigned. For all intents and purposes, Giana Sisters DS achieves what it sets out to do—it provides generally mediocre yet thoroughly enjoyable retro-influenced entertainment.

If you’ve been following the trend in the videogame industry where games are constantly being remade, you probably know what to expect from Giana Sisters, like new features. Of these new features, the stages and world map are genuinely decent updates to the game. Also, the collectible crystals are now available in two varieties, and collecting all the red crystals in a single world unlocks the bonus level for that world.

This remake also includes unnecessarily tacked-on DS controls (which also should have been expected), such as touchscreen and microphone functions. Luckily,  use of the touchscreen can be kept to a bare minimum. Also, gameplay takes place entirely on the top screen, using the buttons on the DS, apart from the occasional touch-screen function.

Thankfully, the microphone functions can be deactivated entirely. It is not that they’re awful (although they are clearly tacked-on); it is moreso that, whilst riding a bubble-gum bubble, the DS microphone spazzes out and Giana will just float indefinitely toward the top of the screen. Deactivating the microphone controls takes less than a second and stops those inexplicable deaths during levels that require bubble flight.

One particular area where Giana Sisters DS shines is in its audio. The soundtrack, from beginning to end, is a Chris Hülsbeck-influenced score, which meanders around the musical themes of the original Giana Sisters. Any followers of Machinae Supremacy may recognise parts of their track, “The Great Gianna Sisters” (yes, completely misspelt) within the various musical themes in this DS remake.

Amongst other pleasing areas of this title, erotica artist Pikomi (hint, search him up on Deviantart) provided the illustrations and character designs. I thoroughly appreciate the character design and art direction, because it not only completely reinvents the series’ style, but it also makes the game much more kiddy friendly. And you might have realised by now, I like cute things.

Some dismay arose among fans of the series because Giana Sisters DS only contains one sister—Giana is on her own now. It’s unknown why the character of Maria was removed from the game, but she still lives on through the design of the Punk Giana power-up. Besides, only a small number of people complained about Maria’s disappearance, and to those people I flip the bird.

Sadly, the rarity of this title has restricted it to those mad enough to go to eBay or Amazon.de for it. DTP Entertainment should seriously consider a worldwide release; I believe this game has a great deal of potential for the UK alone, before even taking into account  the growing number of casual gamers in the US and worldwide. Besides, this title is a guaranteed success if “Touch Generations” is slapped onto its cover.

And the potential for a sequel—well, does Giana Sisters DS have anything else it could offer? Wireless multiplayer, Maria as a selectable character, but most importantly—a Super Mario 64 parody? Imagine the absolute masterpiece that could be—and Nintendo would lap it up regardless of the overall similarity to their flagship Italian. C’mon, DTP—do something amazing. Gather the resources, and get ready to advertise with Ant n Dec, because Giana Sisters DS would take America and England by storm.

Take my word for it, guys. While this game is not the best game ever made, it is sure as hell a money-spinner, and a pretty damn good game, too.

If you’re unable to get ahold of Giana Sisters DS (because of reasons already made quite clear), try Giana’s Return, which is considered to be the unofficial sequel to The Great Giana Sisters. Or, check out the iPhone/iPod Touch port of Giana Sisters DS, which does not fail to deliver.

Looks like M. Bison is riding one of Dr. Robotnik's vehicles.

But hold the phone! Street Fighter (the movie) was such a great success, why not make a game out of it, just like every other fucking action movie? But wait a minute, there already is a game for the movie, because the movie was based on a game, Street Fighter II! Oh, but they’ll never notice. Mortal Kombat is so cool, what with its digitized graphics and blood codes only available on the Sega Genesis; let’s do the same thing to Street Fighter. But what should we call this game? It’s a game based on a movie based on a game. How about “Street Fighter: The Movie: The Game,” or “Street Fighter: The Game: The Movie: The Game“? No, let’s just call it “Street Fighter: The Movie.” So now the movie has the name of the original game, but is actually based on the game’s sequel, and the game based on the movie based on the game has a game title that sounds like it’s the goddamn movie that was based on the original game’s sequel! Make up your minds, people!

So what happens when you go to a store that sells videogames and movies and you ask for “Street Fighter: The Movie“? Do you walk out with a videogame or a VHS tape? Luckily, both the movie and the game are so shitty that you probably won’t walk out with anything.

Then there’s the whole “Alpha” series, which apparently is a prequel series. I had no idea since most of the characters from SF2 are in there. Charlie, Guile’s buddy, is in there. I knew that he was supposedly dead and thought maybe he actually wasn’t. But then I put the pieces together and realized that the game was a prequel. Why not just call it Street Fighter 0? Then there was Alpha 2 and Alpha 3. So did those come before or after the first Alpha?

As you can see, confusing as fuck. I changed the title of this article three times.

And then there’s Ghostbusters: The Video Game. A game based on a movie series, but not a specific movie. The game serves as a sequel to the movies. But is the “The Video Game” part really necessary? I am glad they’re doing some preventative measures with the whole Street Fighter bullshit, but couldn’t they come up with something more creative? If they didn’t want it to be confused with the first Ghostbusters movie, why not call the game “Ghostbusters III” or “Ghostbusters: Gozer Strikes Back” or “Ghostbusters: The Stay Puft Chronicles?”. I know it’s a damn videogame because of the box it comes in (it does make searching easier, I suppose). GoldenEye for N64 wasn’t called “GoldenEye: The Video Game.” A rose by any other name…this is really a great game. Expect a review shortly.

Peter: "Nice thinking, Ray."

How about the Mario series? Besides the standard platform affairs, Mario has turned into paper, become a painter, traveled through time, gone into space, made (Yoshi) cookies, driven go-karts, and even gone missing! He’s had several 2D platformers. From Super Mario Bros., there was Super Mario Land, Super Mario World, Super Mario Galaxy, and now New Super Mario Bros.

Wait, what? What the crap? New Super Mario Bros.? The word “new” is meant for conversations, like, “Hey, did you play the new GTA?”. Couldn’t you have come up with something better, like Super Mario Principality? It’s like you don’t plan on ever making any newer titles after that. The first one, on the DS, was called simply “New Super Mario Bros.“, which was followed a few years later on the Wii by “New Super Mario Bros. Wii.” Why not call it New Super Mario Bros. 2? What, we’re just supposed to automatically assume the first one was on the DS? Why does the second one have the Koopa Kids and Bowser Jr.? I didn’t think they could co-exist, like Donkey Kong, Jr. and Diddy Kong (although supposedly they are father and son, except one is a monkey). So once Galaxy 2 comes out, this game certainly won’t be “new” anymore. What will people think 20 years from now when they see that title? Hell, they could have simply called it “Super Mario Bros. 4,” since it is trying to be true to the early games and basically only has the abilities of the original Super Mario Bros., plus a flight cap.

While we’re talking about NSMB Wii… I’m glad they brought in Yoshi, but they took away my Yoshi powers, and they don’t let me eat items to gain their power-up abilities, or let me bring Yoshi to the next course. What the crap, man… It’s like they decided to reboot the series, just like every existing decent movie series known to man, bringing back some earlier elements, but fucking them up.

Then of course there was the Super Mario Bros. movie, named “Super Mario Bros.” This is so loosely based on the game, though, that they really should have just named it something else entirely. The trailer’s slogan was “This ain’t no videogame.” Well, it ain’t much of a damn movie, either!

I hope this is a joke.

So what’s the take-away from this? I guess if you’re going to make a movie based on a game, give it a slightly different name than the game. If you’re going to make a game based on a movie based on a game, then go fuck yourself.

We’re not going to waste any time on this; we’re just going to hit the ground running.

How to play: Grab a piece of papyrus that you made yourself from glue and the bark of a tree and some pressed graphite to use as a scribing implement. Yes, any substitute will do, except for a pen, because you’ll surely make mistakes. Below are the names of games and the point totals they’re worth. If you own the game, you’ll gain plus points. If you don’t own the game, you’re a jive turkey and we will crack wise about yo’ momma.

You start with +50 points of integrity because I assume you voted for me in last month’s Versus Mode.

PlayStation 3

Own: -1,000,000

Don’t Own: +50

Why You Should Own It: You shouldn’t. It’s just a bad choice. Maybe this will change in the future when Blu-ray FINALLY wins out over HD DVD, the price of the GOOD PS3 bundles drop, and some extraordinary exclusive titles finally make it to the system.

20 points or less, Hideous Orc. Why did you wake up this morning? If the answer isn’t “to go out and buy a Wii/an Xbox 360/World of Warcraft/a mail-order spouse,” then I don’t know why you bothered. Seriously. Unless you are fabulously wealthy and have more than enough money to purchase a PS3 because a grand to you is but a mere trifle, then can you send me an e-mail? I have some indecent proposals for you.

100 points or more, Grand Arcane Wizard. You have proven that you make sound fiscal and gaming console decisions. Point and laugh at anyone with 20 points or less, unless they are fabulously wealthy. They can hire people to kill you. Seriously. I also recommend making indecent proposals to them so you can get yo’ self a slice of that pie.

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You’re still here? You want a FULL Are You Game article? Get out of here. Go read the next GameCola article.

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OK FINE. FINE. I’ll do it. But I’m not doing it for the PS3. That thing sucks. I’ll mock your DS collection instead.

Mario Kart DS

Own: +50

Don’t Own: -40 (See Below)

Why You Should Own It: A very enjoyable racer with new and classic refurbished tracks that is fun to play alone or in multiplayer. Only -20 if you don’t own a copy but you play the game all the time because a friend owns it. The game supports eight players with only one cartridge.

Own: +45

Don’t Own: -40

Why You Should Own It: A Zelda title that makes excellent use of the stylus and doesn’t stray too heavily from the classic formula that makes the series so successful. The puzzles are top notch and the overall story is extremely well done.

New Super Mario Bros.

Own: +45

Don’t Own: -40

Why You Should Own It: This title brings the old 2D side-scrolling Mario games to the next level in a major way. Evolving from Super Mario World, the game brings new elements while remaining true to the series and also offers some multiplayer battles that are an absolute riot.

Own: +40

Don’t Own: -35

Why You Should Own It: Probably the best puzzle game on the DS, which also gives big ups to the OGs of gaming, point-and-click adventures. Hours of puzzles that challenge you not just to solve puzzles but to actually think, topped off with some downloadable content.

Elite Beat Agents

Own: +35

Don’t Own: -30

Why You Should Own It: Easily the weirdest but most entertaining rhythm game on the platform, quite possibly across all platforms. It’s a must-have just for a good laugh, but it’s also very challenging. The soundtrack is as eclectic as it is enjoyable, considering how many times you have to listen to some of the tunes.

How’s your score looking so far? Are you the master of awesome with the maximum 265 points, or are you the master suck with a pathetic -135? Well, the master of suck part is probably independent of your score, but hey, you’ve made it this far in life, so it can’t be all bad! Buck up, little bear! Have +5 points just to bring a little sunshine in your life.

Own: +30

Don’t Own: -20

Why You Should Own It: A highly customizable and experience-based Castlevania title. An excellent soundtrack, excellent graphics, and a unique soul system used to gain new abilities and bolster stats makes this title a must-have.

Nintendogs: (YOUR MUTT HERE) and Friends

Own: +30

Don’t Own: -25

Why You Should Own It: What? You hate puppies? You’re a sick individual. Who doesn’t love puppies without all the slobber and picking up poop? And there are four different titles with different pup-pups, so you are sure to pick up the breed of your choice.

Own: +20

Don’t Own: -20 (See Below)

Why You Should Own It: A recent hit on this top ten list with one of the coolest customizable combat systems I have seen in a long time. Top-notch graphics, sounds, and gameplay make a refreshing new RPG title coming out of the least likely of places, Square Enix (I thought they just built crap off their old good titles). Only -5 if you plan on getting this title but haven’t because it hasn’t been out for a month yet as of this writing.

Advance Wars: Dual Strike

Own: +15

Don’t Own: -10

Why You Should Own It: Although I personally don’t care for this series, I realize this is probably the best turn-based strategy game on the DS. The game actually has good AI, which alone makes it worth owning.

Own: +15

Don’t Own: -10 (See Below)

Why You Should Own It: This title is here because Paul said that if it wasn’t on the list, I would be fired. - 5,000 if you’re the Editor in Chief of a respectable online gaming magazine.

Are you ready to finally have your station in life evaluated? Well, not so fast, Pokey. There are some final calculations to make. If you own any of the games below, no points are lost or added. These games are good filler to round out your collection, but none of them are must-haves.

Fillers: Animal Crossing: Wild World, Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin, Hotel Dusk: Room 215, Kirby: Canvas Curse, Mario & Luigi: Partner’s in Time, Meteos, Metroid Prime: Hunters, Pokémon (Diamond OR Pearl, but not both), Super Mario 64 DS, Yoshi’s Island DS.

Any other game you own, -5 points.

Tally up all your points and go on a journey of self-discovery and disappointment!

-210 or less, Pralines and Dick. You should have your DS taken away and given to a squirrel, because even a squirrel will make better use of it than you do.

-209 to -50, Maple Pecan. Well, you’re misguided. You’re playing with your DS, but you must have lost a stylus or got goop in the microphone or something. Whatever you’re doing, you’re doing it wrong. Strive to get better, please—you’re embarrassing the rest of us.

-49 to 100, Vanilla. There are a metric assload of DS games. You may have missed out on some of the best titles, but that’s OK; the damn thing has been out for over three years, and there are a lot of games to stay on top of. Consider this not as a punishment, but as a stern warning of things to come. If you have a positive score, you can take on the title of French Vanilla, if you prefer; it’s a little tastier than regular vanilla and goes well with Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

100 to 214, Rocky Road. You have a respectable collection of DS games, and you have shown responsibility in making your choices. If you’re missing a few of the titles on this list, it’s probably because you know your tastes well enough to stick to things you find safe. This is the cream of the crop, though! Take a chance on a title and maybe you will be pleasantly surprised! Members of the opposite sex will also find you more attractive.

215, Double Chocolate Marshmallow Oreo. You are a supreme being in the form of ice cream.

216 or more, Mathematical Powerhouse. You have found some way to add numbers in such a way that their sum is greater than their actual possible sum. Try again, moron.

You’ll note that several categories—such as “Best PS2 Game,” “Best DS Game,” and so on—are dead. This is because nobody makes single-platform games anymore, so it doesn’t make sense to have individual system categories anymore.

Got that? OK! Dive on in!

Best Use of a License
Lego Star Wars II: The Original Trilogy (PS2, GCN, MXB, X360, PC)

And lo, for the third straight year, this award goes to a Star Wars game! (And for the second straight year, this award goes to a Star Wars game that incorporates Legos.) Funny—I always thought these games had a sort of reputation. A sort of bad reputation. A sort of EA Games-esque reputation. But GameCola never lies. Except for that one year we gave the “Best New Character” award to a random seagull in Wind Waker…but shh, don’t tell anyone—we’re trying to pretend that never happened.

Board of Director’s Choice: Lego Star Wars II: The Original Trilogy (PS2, GCN, MXB, X360, PC)
Readers’ Choice: Lego Star Wars II: The Original Trilogy (PS2, GCN, MXB, X360, PC)
Last Year’s Winner: Lego Star Wars (PS2, GCN, MXB)

Best Game No One Played
The Shivah (PC)

I would’ve called this “Best Indie Game,” but then I realized that this was the only indie game I’ve actually played this year. Not to mention that calling the category that would disqualify “Sneak King” from the voting, and I think we can all agree that Sneak King deserves some kind of award. Alas, this is not that award, as the Best Game No One Played of 2006 is one of the only competent (and not only that, but good!) point-and-click adventure games released this year.

Board of Director’s Choice: Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Sumoner (PS2)
Readers’ Choice: Sneak King (PC) and Sam & Max: Culture Shock (PC)
Last Year’s Winner: N/A

Best Remake/Re-release
Final Fantasy III (DS)

Despite its hideously, horrendously ugly 3D graphics that are somehow way worse than its original NES visuals, Final Fantasy III on the DS eked out a close victory over Final Fantasy V Advance on the GBA. Final Fantasy III was the only Final Fantasy game never to have been released in the United States, and now that it has been, nerds everywhere will have to move on and find something else to lament.

Board of Director’s Choice: Final Fantasy V Advance (GBA)
Readers’ Choice: Mega Man Powered Up (PSP)
Last Year’s Winner: N/A

Best New Character
Balthier (Final Fantasy XII, PS2)

Dubbed “one the most compelling Final Fantasy characters ever created” by GameCola’s Steve Hamner in his review last month, Balthier gained notoriety for being one of very few interesting characters in a game that, while featuring a brilliant plot and neato keen new battle system, didn’t have much in the way of character development, inasmuch as you would say frat boys don’t have much in the way of not puking all over themselves.

Board of Director’s Choice: Raidou Kuzunoha the 14th (Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner, PS2)
Readers’ Choice: Balthier (Final Fantase XII, PS2)
Last Year’s Winner: Wander (Shadow of the Colossus, PS2)

Best Sequel
Lego Star Wars II: The Original Trilogy (PS2, GCN, MXB, X360, PC)

It could hardly help but be the Best Sequel of 2006, could it? After all, it took an already incredible game—its predecessor, Lego Star Wars—and removed its only bad bit—the fact that it’s based on the newer Star Wars Trilogy. That’s basically the definition of a great sequel, isn’t it? Building upon the old while getting rid of the lesser parts of the old? It also didn’t hurt that you can PLAY AS CHEWBACCA AND RIP PEOPLES’ ARMS OFF.

Board of Director’s Choice: Guitar Hero 2 (PS2)
Readers’ Choice: Lego Star Wars II: The Original Trilogy (PS2, GCN, MXB, X360, PC)
Last Year’s Winner: We <3 Katamari (PS2)

Most Deserving of a Sequel
Chibi-Robo (GCN)

Well that certainly makes sense! At some point next year there’s a Chibi-Robo game coming out for the DS, and I guess you could sort of call that a sequel, though it’s not on any of the big-boy consoles. The fact is that I’m just glad Chibi-Robo won something, as I was beginning to suspect that nobody on the GC staff but me actually liked it at all. C’mon guys, what’s not to like? You get to clean up after slobs! What could be better!

Board of Director’s Choice: Chibi-Robo (GCN)
Readers’ Choice: Gears of War (X360)
Last Year’s Winner: Shadow of the Colossus (PS2)

Most Innovative
Electroplankton (DS)

And speaking of games that nobody ever played! I’m pretty sure GameCola’s Elizabeth Medina-Gray is literally the only person ever to have purchased this game—especially since the darn thing wasn’t even sold in stores, really. You poke these little creatures and they make noises that can be considered music. Or something. I didn’t really get it, to be honest, but I’m pretty sure that videogames define innovative as “something most people won’t be able to comprehend.”

Board of Director’s Choice: Electroplankton (DS)
Readers’ Choice: Wii Sports (Wii)
Last Year’s Winner: Trauma Center: Under the Knife (DS)

Most Disappointing
Kingdom Hearts II (PS2)

I know, I’m surprised too. There are two things that are massively disappointing about this game (which is, incidentally, the sequel to a former GameCola Game of the Year!):

1) The fact that several of its levels are taken from the first game (for some reason, players were actually hoping to explore different movies than the ones in Kingdom Hearts).

2) The fact that, about halfway through the game, it just gives up on trying to be interesting and makes you play through all these worlds a second time, rather than giving you anything new to do.

Its focus on Organization XIII didn’t help things, either—it’s like Square didn’t realize that the entire appeal of KH is traversing old-school Disney movies from your childhood with big-shoed Sora, and thought instead that everyone’s favorite part was the boring story they came up with to string everything together.

Board of Director’s Choice: Kingdom Hearts II (PS2)
Readers’ Choice: Bomberman: Act Zero (X360) and Zoo Tycoon DS (DS)
Most Disappointing: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3: Mutant Nightmare (PS2, MXB, GCN)

Best Multiplayer
Guitar Hero 2 (PS2)

Now, from what I’m told, the original Guitar Hero also features a two-player mode; the only problem is that nobody knew because nobody owned more than one guitar controller for the game. But even if it does have multiplayer, Guitar Hero 2 still does it better, because this time each of the players can play on different difficulties, meaning that newbies can play with experts and still have a good time.

Board of Director’s Choice: Guitar Hero 2 (PS2)
Readers’ Choice: Guitar Hero 2 (PS2) and Wii Sports (Wii)
Last Year’s Winner: Star Wars: Battlefront II (MXB, PS2)

Best PC Game
Sam and Max Season 1, Episode 1: Culture Shock

Telltale Games, somehow, did the absolutely impossible: They managed to bring back Sam & Max without ruining it. They actually did it twice, releasing two titles in this relaunched series toward the end of 2006. The original’s major selling point—its sense of humor—is as present here as it was there, as is the classic style of gameplay that’s virtually gone in today’s gaming landscape.

Board of Director’s Choice: Sam and Max Season 1, Episode 1: Culture Shock
Readers’ Choice: Star Wars: Empire at War
Last Year’s Winner: N/A.

Best Console Game
The Legend of Zelda: The Twilight Princess (GCN/Wii)

This game could become famous for being the first Zelda game I actually complete. I have started—and absolutely failed to finish—no less than FIVE separate Zelda games, but I think this will be the one to break the streak. Mainly because I’m playing it on the Wii and get to use the controller as a sword, which makes me feel cooler than I have at any other point in my life. It gets bonus points, too, for having each of its versions be the visuals reverses of one another. (Seriously. The GameCube one is entirely backwards.)

Board of Director’s Choice: The Legend of Zelda: The Twilight Princess (GCN/Wii)
Readers’ Choice: The Legend of Zelda: The Twilight Princess (GCN/Wii)
Last Year’s Winner: N/A.

Best Portable Game
New Super Mario Bros. (DS)

More a homage to the original series than an entirely original title itself, New Super Mario Bros. gave gamers what they’ve been wanting for years—a brand-new, good, 2D platformer. It doesn’t look like this is a trend videogame companies are going to follow, but we can deal with having one of these every several years, right?

Board of Director’s Choice: Monster Hunter Freedom (PSP)
Readers’ Choice: New Super Mario Bros. (DS)
Last Year’s Winner: N/A.

Employee of the Year
Steve Hamner

One of our most consistent (in terms of writing at least one article a month) and talented (in terms of being awesome) writers in 2006, Steve won this year’s award in a near landslide victory. You know him for his reviews, his innovative The Vana’diel Diaries, and from his frequent appearances in Versus Mode (including this month’s edition of the column); with any luck, we’ll be able to keep him writing all of those things well into the new year.

Board of Director’s Choice: Travis Combs
Readers’ Choice: Elizabeth “Lizo” Medina-Gray
Last Year’s Winner: Zack Huffman

Reader of the Year
Genevieve Regan

For some reason, it seems like this award is always going to someone related to a member of the GameCola staff, and this year is no exception, as not only is the winner—”Captain” Eric Regan’s twin sister—related to one of us, but so were all of the runners up. I can’t tell if that means we have great families, or that we have no readers. Congratulations, Genny! Hope to keep hearing from you in 2007. And thanks for the cupcakes you brought to my birthday party.

Board of Director’s Choice: Genevieve Regan
Readers’ Choice: Richard E. Franzen
Last Year’s Winner: Richard E. Franzen

Game of the Year
Lego Star Wars 2: The Original Trilogy (PS2, GCN, MXB, X360, PC)

Could there have been any doubt, given that it won so many of the above accolades? There’s only so much more that can be said about the game, so let me just leave it at this: Storm Troopers in hot tubs. You heard it hear first! Unless you’ve already played the game yourself, that is.

Well, there you have it! Here’s to another great year of gaming—and, more importantly, to hope that George Lucas makes more Star Wars movies so we can get another Lego Star Wars game. I hear they’re making Lego Batman, but it just won’t be as cool.

The big one that comes to mine is that stupid Star Fox game that was released on the ‘Cube. Star Fox has had three solid games released that offer top notch space flight, fast speeds and sweet explosions. Why the hell did they make a 3D platformer on some stupid dinosaur planet? “Hey, people must love Star Fox because they love playing the role of Fox McCloud!” Wrong, jackasses. They like playing it because it’s a sweet flying game. They wouldn’t care if it was called Star Pig, staring some transvestite- kamikaze-nazi-Eskimo-paraplegic swine, as long as the action was the same. Yeah, let’s run around as Fox, hitting things with a wooden stick. Sounds like an instant hit! If they make a track and field game with Star Fox in it, I swear to god I’m going to piss all over my Wii.

Another great crap game was Diddy Kong Racing. People loved the Donkey Kong Country series. Great graphics and sound, fun levels, swinging from branches…it’s what a 2D platformer should be. But hey, let’s take some of the characters and a bunch of new jackasses and put them in a driving game. Not just any driving game, but one that fails to meet the bar of Mario Kart. Sounds like a winner to me! Whoever came up with the idea that you had to drive to the race courses in a Mario 64-esque overworld should be shot.

Do you remember that guy, “The Noid”? He was the cartoon figurehead for a pizza company…I think Dominos. Anyways, what the hell did he have his own side-scroller for? Stupidity. Oh, and remember Nester, the red spiked hair guy from Nintendo Power? He was in a comic with Howard, called “Howard and Nester,” a fairly lame comic. He was also in Pilotwings 64, but renamed Lark for some reason. Anyways, he had his own bowling game called Nester’s Funky Bowling. Hey, let’s take an unpopular comic book character, put him on the worst videogame system of all time and make a bowling game that is probably as non-funked as possible.

Now, some games move smoothly to different genres. Mario works well as a platformer, a driving game, puzzle games, time machine game, RPG, sports, fighting and just about anything. This is because people love the Mario cast and crew. But what kind of name is “New Super Mario Bros.? The game does look sweet, but that name is just stupid. What will they call the next Mario Bros.? If you go back and play NSMB 15 years from now, it won’t be so new.

And, oh yeah, what the crap is up with Alex Trebek these days? That guy is an asshole. I want to see a Jeopardy 64 immediately! But yeah, some things should just stick to what they’re good at. Fraggle Rock may have been a good TV show, but it shouldn’t also be a breakfast cereal.

In this game, you have to find special “star” coins. There are three such coins in every level. Satan decided how difficult they would be to reach. You need these star coins in order to save. So, here you are, bip-bopping along. You’ve passed two stages that were real bitches, and you want to save. It goes something like this: There is a platform. Directly below it is the star coin you need. You can tell already how this is going to end. The platform is going to drop our from under you the second you touch it, so you have to ride it down, palms sweaty, and get the coin, then do a double jump off the wall to reach another platform. If you haven’t fallen to your death. Which you will. Multiple times. And yet….

That must make me the masochist. I go back again and again, because I love this fucking game. I didn’t even own a Nintendo when I was a kid, or a Super NES, for that matter. I was Sega all the way, but somehow I still played each and every Super Mario game. And I loved them as well (except for Yoshi’s Island—that game sucked). Now, you know you love them, but do you know why? I’ll tell you: I bet a hundred bucks that you can hum the opening theme to Super Mario Bros. Can you name another game whose soundtrack you remember? Me neither. But wait until you hear the first song in this new one. It’s a remix of that one you remember so well from your youth. And oh, does it take me back.

I didn’t expect to become obsessed with this game. I bought it on a whim, as the DS in our household belongs to my wife. And quicker than you can say “Man, is Nintendogs even really a game?” I was hooked. This is gaming bliss the likes of which you thought you may never experience again. I played this thing for three solid days. I played until the battery died, then moved next to a wall socket so I could play some more. I played until my fingers cramped (we’ve got the older DS), loving every second of it.

OK, here are some things that blow about this game. The power-ups suck. Badly. Sure, the fire flower is still awesome, but the blue Koopa shell is completely useless. The giant mushroom acts the same as a star, making you basically invincible. And the shrinking mushroom is for specific areas only. Nothing makes you fly, which kinda sucks. Also, every boss up until Bowser is exactly the same.

But man, you know what? This game still kicks ass. I admit the giant mushroom is the same as the star, but it’s so cool looking. You just feel awesomely powerful as you watch little Mario stretch and expand to screen-topping heights, and then he just lets all kinds of hell loose on the level. Bitchin’. All the sound effects are the same as the original. Blocks being broken, power ups, jumping on enemies, the flagpole at the end of each level.

I loved Super Mario 64 back in the day, but now it seems kind of antiquated. Don’t even get me started on Super Mario Sunshine. Mario belongs in 2D, because, dammit, that’s where he belongs. Sure, the games make little to no sense at all, but the discovery of it all. The pure joy in playing. It’s this essence that makes this game so fun.

So what if the retarded princess has been kidnapped again? So what if you have to collect these ridiculously hard to get star coins to save? So what if the platforming nirvana is interrupted by GODDAMN WATER STAGES. Listen: Nobody likes these stupid stages. Nobody liked them on the NES, and nobody likes them now. They are absolutely no fun what-so-ever.

At the end of the day, the game is still a platformer. Like Super Paper Mario on the GameCube, which looks freaking fantastic. You still go from left to right, stomping on enemies and saving the princess. Still, New Super Mario Bros. made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. For me, it’s like going over to a friend’s house and seeing that their kid has a Transformer. Pick it up, and your hands magically remember how to change it from a train into a dinosaur or what-the-fuck-ever. The point is that playing this game is nothing if not comforting. It’s a warm blanket and cup of hot chocolate on a freezing winter evening. Oh, it’s still an evil sadist bastard mother fucker. But kind of like the way grandma was.