THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED BY NINJAS.

ARE YOU A BAD ENOUGH DUDE TO RESCUE THE PRESIDENT?

Well? ARE YOU? These bad sentences were uttered to Stryker and Blade, two up-and-coming bad dudes on the streets of Anytown, USA, by some military pilot/Terminator-looking dude. If someone said that to me, I’d heed my call of duty and try to rescue the president. I mean, it must be pretty serious business if the military’s asking two random guys off the street to help rescue the president, right?

If you look a little deeper, though, they weren’t just asking Stryker and Blade—they were also asking you, the player, to rescue the President, or “Ronnie” as he’s known in the arcade version. And as of yet, I’ve never been able to. But I’ve tried…oh, how I’ve tried. I’m just not good enough…or is it that I’m not bad enough? As Homer Simpson would say: “Oh Marge, don’t you know kids today? Bad means good, and to shake your booty means to wiggle one’s butt.” It’s an uphill battle, but the reward is great: a juicy thick burger with President Ronnie himself. Reagan would be spinning in his grave over this game. Of course, he was alive when this game came out, and President, no less. Perhaps this article will convince him to run as a zombie third party in the upcoming Presidential election. …But I digress.

Known as President Ronnie in the arcades.

Once you get through the thrilling story screen, you’re out on the streets, fighting for your (and Ronnie’s) life. You’ll face sneaky ninjas and other local thugs and ruffians. Actually, that’s not true; it’s just single-colored ninja after single-colored ninja. You’re armed with your fists and your kicks…and that’s really not enough. You can power up your fist for a more powerful strike, and you have some spin-kick moves, but it just doesn’t match up to Double Dragon 2.

If you manage to make it to Level 2, you’ll be traveling on the top of a super-long tractor trailer. In the arcade version, the truck is transporting ninjas, as indicated by writing on the cab and side cars. It actually looks more like a train, with the interconnected boxcars. In the NES version, its cargo remains a mystery, as the boxcars are blank, like those windowless vans with drivers promising candy in the back. If you manage to get to the cab, though, writing on the side indicates that it’s carrying…”dudes”? Why would the ninjas be transporting boxcars filled with dudes? Are these the bodies of dudes who fell before you because they weren’t bad enough? Are these a different breed of dude who fight for the ninjas? Are we fighting ninja-dudes? Does DUDES stand for Dynamically Unified Danger Exemplified Samurai? Why would the ninjas be transporting anything? They’re ninjas; they don’t drive trucks. Hell, why did they even kidnap the President? Do they have any demands, or do they just want to punish dudes?

Cut-rate DUDES delivered right to your door.

As bad (as in good) as the story is, the game itself is actually pretty bad (as in bad). There’s so many other great beat ‘em ups to choose from; this one’s just a poor choice, given its gameplay, graphics, and sound. Although they’d never say it, Billy and Jimmy Lee, the Double Dragons, are pretty bad dudes, too. But, if you’re feeling extra patriotic and want to help out Ronnie (or you’re just hungry for some grilled cow patty), then suit up in your white ninja pants and tank top and take to the streets as a Bad Dude. I just can’t recommend it—though the awesome intro and win screens, and the impact they’ve had on the Internets, are certainly worth a note.

You’re welcome, Ronnie. Is my favorite Chief Justice, Warren Burger, coming, too?

Should have stopped at “BAD DUDES from Data East is one bad game.” What they hell are they talking about with “earnings” and “collections”? Side note: the “vs. Dragon Ninja” part was dropped in the NES port.

Halfbrick Studios made love to their sponsors and produced a litter of kittens. Purrcisely the kind of thing I expected them to do. Sell out, I mean.

Your game goes huge (seventy million players to be precise), and you’ve even had it released on a game console in full high-definition glory. You’ve been the poster-boy for the iPhone. There’s a hundred imitators out there and very few of them could even hope to better you. What do you do next?

Sell out. It worked for Rovio.

This installment of the Fruit Ninja franchise (well, I guess it technically is a franchise now) serves as a form of publicity for the Dreamworks movie Puss in Boots. There’s been a fair following for the fanciful feline Puss since he made his debut in Shrek 2. Adorable, yes. Deadly, of course. A ninja?

Well, no. But I’m getting to that.

There are additions in this version of Fruit Ninja that have been long awaited. A mission mode, named Bandito, allows players to run through a series of randomly selected and generated challenges. This would have been even better if it were included in a Fruit Ninja title that didn’t carry someone else’s license.

The tomato is also added to the large array of fruit that you get to chop. Yes, tomatoes are fruit. No, they really are. Stop arguing with me.

With the game comes a brand new swag collection and a bundle of achievements to unlock. Full Game Center and OpenFeint implementation is also featured, as it was in the previous version of Fruit Ninja. This game is also ad-free.

Well, ad-free if you don’t consider Fruit Ninja: PUSS IN FUCKING BOOTS to be an advertisement of any kind.

Even the classic mode has been updated. Now labelled Desperado mode, it features a few shake-ups to the original formula. The first is that extra lives are not rewarded with every 100 points you earn. Instead, they are earned by slicing the Magic Beans that occasionally appear onscreen.

The second major difference is that…uh…well…well there’s these beans that give you extra lives…and…did we mention PUSS IN BOOTS is in this game!?

The time elapsed between Fruit Ninja and Fruit Pussy has resulted in an updated version of the previous game. On the other hand, the game is much smaller. Fruit Ninja has three game modes, while Puss in Boots only features two. There are twelve blades and four backgrounds to unlock in Fruit Ninja, but only four blades and three backgrounds to collect in Puss Ninja.

And the blades suck.

I am ashamed of myself, señorita.

There’s also thirty achievements in Fruit Ninja, yet only twenty in Boots Ninja. No matter how you slice it, Puss in Boots comes up short. The license seems slapped onto the game with little care or attention. Wait, isn’t that what I said about ninjas in Shadow Warrior?

For the same price as traditional Fruit Ninja, you’re getting less content. You are paying to be advertised to. You are paying to be subjected to the presence of Puss in Boots himself. All of the additions are necessary, but the overall glaring absence of content is the real clincher.

Also, after checking my achievements in Game Center, Fruit Ninja Puss crashes completely, or dips to black and never returns. The leaderboard is also broken (whatever I score, I’m always 25th in the world this week).

Things are not looking good for me, no?

Although missing the voice of Antonio Banderas, this is still a proper boss effort. The question is really whether you *need* these new additions, or whether you are happy sticking with the traditional Fruit Ninja. I say go for it, because it costs a dollar.

Now for the score, which means absolutely nothing.

I ask you to consider this question… Is Matthew Jonas dead?

Well, of course not. I’m Matt Jonas.

But what if this vastly informative though rarely funny individual had disappeared? With no reviews in the GameCola queue for over a month, one could have already assumed that I breathed my last, in a dark hovel somewhere.

Or maybe that I had been eaten.

I don’t think we ever really knew Matt Jonas. Not even me, and I am Matt Jonas! Did I say that already? I think I did. I’m not an imposter, honest!

Binge Ninjas

The game that effectively killed me (who is Matt Jonas) is called Fruit Ninja. Developed by Halfbrick Studios, the premise is quite simple. Apparently, ninjas HATE fruit. The more fruit that a ninja obliterates with their katana, the better they feel. I don’t remember this happening in Tenchu; they probably omitted it due to it being completely flipping inaccurate.

Unfortunately, this game was never made.

There is a reason why Fruit Ninja didn’t make the cut when I produced my Top Ten Videogame Ninjas video: the game just relies on the word “ninja” to sell more copies of itself. The only way it could have gained even more sales is if it had called itself Ninja Zombie Pirate’s 101 Sex Positions in Space: Doodle Jumping Bookworm with Tiny Wings Cuts the Rope FREE (with in-app purchases).

This ninja HATES fruit. However, what he doesn’t realize is that these are actually people.

Fruit Ninja is an addictive game, no lie. Through the implementation of Apple’s Game Center, the player is forced encouraged to strive hours on end for those elusive Achievements. This evil piece of software watches as the player gorges on the delicious visuals and smooth curves. Fruit Ninja sweetens the deal with all the fruit that you could ever dream of, leaving the player powerless to resist its vices.

Fruit Ninja takes many hours away, until the player ultimately dies from starvation and dehydration. Which is what happened to poor Matt Jonas.

Fruit’al Legend

So why does Fruit Ninja deserve your attention? Well, let me tell you a story… Once upon a time, there was a man named Matt Jonas. That’s me; I’m not an impostor or anything.

Anyway—Matt had just started his third year of university. The work-rate had tripled and the assignments were much, much harder. Whenever Matt managed to find time for videogames, something occurred to him: Videogames had become as stale as the dried bread you bought fresh three days ago. It’s hard, brittle and you can taste the air trapped in every molecule of its being.

This bizarre little trinket, Fruit Ninja, drew him away from the grey area he’d been stuck in. Matt had his eyes opened to the joy of life. The color of happiness. The sheer glow of opportunity and good will. The rainbow of juice splattering up the background and the satisfaction of each fruity slice has cemented this game a solid place in his heart.It got to the point where the games that were easiest to pick up and play gained the advantage. Matt had become a casual gamer, in it for the quick bursts of gaming in the little gaps of free time.

I’m not going to say Fruit Ninja changed my life, because so many tiny things in each and every day change your life in a million different ways. Your brain couldn’t even begin to comprehend the amount of bacteria you slaughter every time you take one footstep.

Fruit Ninja’s graphics, though basic, serve the experience well. The unlockables are fun to play with. The gameplay is fast, and you know how long each round is going to last for (anywhere from a minute and a half to four minutes). You can do the math, if you really want to.

Fruit Ninja reminded me about what I love when it comes to videogames. This is a small, well-realized game based around a simple concept. I like something that is easy to play but very hard to master, and Fruit Ninja is just that. I like unlockables that aren’t just tacked on and are pretty fun to obtain, and this game delivers these as well. Achievements are the sparkles on this fantastically finalized product; we all know how addictive collecting them can be. For the ludicrously cheap price of $1, you’re getting your money’s worth, guaranteed.

Fruit Ninja got through to me in a way that so few games have managed to recently. It earns my love for this reason alone, but it has also renewed my affection for videogames and has even made me smile once again.

But…it’s still not very ninja-like, is it? Where’s the stealth combat, the assassination attempts and the ninjutsu? This is bullshit. Why would a ninja have to chop up fruit? Why can’t Fruit Ninja be more like the awesome ninjas in my Top Ten?

Just ridiculous. I take back what I said. Terrible.

By the by, I’m not the real Matt Jonas after all—I’m just an imposter!

OBJECTION!

What?! The real Matthew Jonas?! I thought you were dead! My plans for GameCola domination have been foiled!

To be continued…

They grace our televsions, our consoles, and our movie theaters. Ninjas come in all shapes and sizes, but which are the best that we can play with?

I took the liberty of searching high-and-low to put together an entertaining and ambitious video project designed to answer that very question. Nobody asked me to, but I did. Enjoy!

Any of these that you agree with? Any that you thoroughly disagree with? Any suggestions for who should have been included? Please let me know, in the comments box below!

Over 8 million people purchased Halo 3. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas sold a whopping 12 million. And Nintendo can’t defecate out Pokémon and “Wii Insert Random Thing To Do Here” games fast enough to completely satisfy the masses. But with all these amazing successes, there have been numerous games and even complete series that have fallen to the wayside. Remember: for every Super Mario Bros., there’s a Shutokou Battle 2: Drift King Keichii Tsuchiya & Masaaki Bandoh. As a proud gamer, I feel that it is my privilege—nay, my duty—to take some time and offer a brief glimpse at many of the games that disappeared into bargain bins and trash bins alike due to overshadowing from more prominent titles, as well as titles that will forever remain sequestered within one region of the world. You’d better be prepared to be educated a little, because there is much that you haven’t seen.

May 2011: Jajamaru no Daibouken

AH, HELLO AGAIN.

It’s good to see you, too. Well, are you ready for another obscure videogame?

UNHHH…ANOTHER ONE? I GROW TIRED OF THESE LOUSY GAMES YOU KEEP DRAGGING ME TO SEE, YOU LOUSY SON OF A–

Ah! Ah! Hold on, Narrator from Planet X, we promised the GameCola audience that we would clean up our act this month. That means no potty humour, no questionable innuendo, and absolutely, positively NO swearing.

WHAT? YOU MEAN I CAN’T CURSE UNTIL I PASS OUT?

Nope. And considering that’s pretty much your thing, I’d recommend that you just sit there with your hands on your lap and observe complacently while I tell the nice readers about this month’s obscure game of choice.

HMPH…VERY WELL… SO WHAT “GEM” DO YOU HAVE FOR US NOW?

It’s a game about ninjas!

NINJAS? I GUESS THAT’S NOT SO BAD. THE YOUTH OF TODAY SEEM TO HAVE AN AFFINITY FOR NINJA CULTURE, FROM THE REVIVAL OF THE NINJA GAIDEN FRANCHISE ALL THE WAY TO HAVING THEM APPEAR IN ALL SORTS OF WILD SITUATIONS ON YOUTUBE VIDEOS.

That’s right! Ninjas are definitely hip characters, defining both stealth and the swift movement of their blade in the name of justice. But they were definitely around long before their repopularization on the Xbox. They were cool even in the days of the Famicom (the Japanese NES, for those not in the know). Many ninja-based games were released, but not all of them made it overseas.

One cheerful bunch of ninja games that never shined on American shores (for the most part) is the Ninja Jajamaru-kun series. The NES saw one of the earlier games, under the title Ninja Kid, but that sure didn’t make anyone’s Top 10 list of anything. There were also two Game Boy releases called Ninja Taro and Maru’s Mission. Heard of either of those? Didn’t think so. (Maybe these could be the subject of a future article?) But I’m not concerned about those at the moment. I’m focusing on a Famicom-only, Japan-only Ninja Jajamaru-kun game called Jajamaru no Daibouken.

TELL ME ABOUT THAT PARTICULAR GAME.

Well, what can I say… You play the role of this stumpy little ninja in a red costume who travels through 20 stages, fending off ghosts, skeletons, devils, and other demonic creations with a shuriken attack. When you kill an enemy, a spirit comes out that you can collect. Also out there to collect are coins, bombs (which consequently kill the ninja), and accessories like a skateboard or a temporary invincibility potion. But really, your ultimate goal is to get to the end of the level. Technically, you could just run there and not defeat a single foe. Once you get to the end, you’re transported to the boss, which requires a few shuriken to dispose of.

It’s basically like a classic arcade game. Unfortunately, it has the unpleasant appearance of an old arcade game, it certainly sounds like one, and it also suffers from one of the oldest cop-outs in the book: the stages repeat infinitely. There’s no ending, so don’t bother praying for one.

DO YOU RECOMMEND IT?

If you can find a copy, it’ll do you good for five minutes of fun. The most likely outcome will be boredom after those minutes are up.

OK.

You’ve been relatively silent this time around. I guess a profanity-free environment really takes the wind out of your sails.

YOU FORGET SOMETHING, THOUGH: WE ONLY AGREED TO MAINTAIN A FAMILY-FRIENDLY ATMOSPHERE THIS MONTH, SO I KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT. BUT NEXT MONTH IS A FREE-FOR-ALL, AND I’M GOING TO SWEAR LIKE NOBODY’S BUSINESS. AND YOU…YOU ARE GOING TO BRING IN SOMETHING OBSCENE FOR US TO SEE!

Oh dear, I think trouble is brewing. Children, make sure NOT to read the June edition of “Gamera Obscura.” It could be dire.

This is only the second edition of “Minus the Pudding,” but already I find myself wondering if, instead of playing these games, I’d be better off playing with actual pudding. Actual pudding may not have the solid AI of the day’s top videogames, and it certainly has less replay value (ugh), but it is delicious, and it’s a lot more entertaining than most of the Xbox Live Indie Games I’ve been playing over the past several weeks.

For example, I played a game called Goblyn Stomp. Its name is apropos, which is a French word whose literal definition is “the absolute only thing that you do in Goblyn Stomp is stomp goblins.”  It’s kind of like the original Super Mario Bros., except that the only enemies in the game are Goombas, the entire game takes place on one screen, and seriously, all you ever do is stomp goblins.

I also played another game whose entire purpose, apparently, was to flash horrifying imagery at you from out of nowhere. As in, you’re wandering along a dark corridor and then BAM THERE’S AN ALBINO WITH BLOODY EYEBALLS MISSING HALF ITS FACE THROWING UP ON YOU.

At least, I assume that’s what the game’s entire purpose was—after peeing myself, I wasn’t really in the mood to play that game anymore, so I can’t tell you if it gets any better, or if it continues to be a total jump-out-at-you-athon.

It’s because of experiences like those that a little game called Office DisOrders was a total godsend for me. Office DisOrders changed my life, inasmuch as it reminded me that it’s not completely impossible for these Indie Games to be anything but a waste of hard drive space—it reminded me that, very occasionally, you can get your dollar’s worth from them, and then some.

But more on that later. First, I’m going to talk about some of the other games I had to slog through before discovering Office DisOrders. Enjoy!

Pixel Whirled

Pirate and Ninja—mortal enemies, owing to the fact that Ninja simply cannot accept Pirate’s clear and total supremacy in every way—team up in this game to bring disappointment to the masses.

The graphics and music of Pixel Whirled will appeal to fans of Mega Man 9 and other new-age retro videogames—in fact, the entire reason I decided to check this game out was its awesome faux coverart. The gameplay, unfortunately, will only appeal to those few gamers who often think that, gosh, the one thing keeping our world from reaching a state of utopia is the total lack of Space Invaders clones; MORE SPACE INVADERS, PLEASE!

In this game, you shoot bullets out of your head until all the monsters are gone. Then you flip the screen over, and you shoot ninja stars out of your head until all the other monsters are gone. That’s pretty much it. There’s no 2D side-scrolling, two-by-four-swinging, president-saving beat ‘em up action like the coverart implies; it’s seriously just Space Invaders with killer apples. Not even Pirate can save this one from Yawnsville.

Dreams of Witchtown

Dreams of Witchtown promotes itself as a side-scrolling action RPG. Now, when I think of side-scrolling action RPGs, I think of games like Zelda II, or Legend of the Mystical Ninja, if I’m feeling particularly obscure. This game, however, has less in common with Zelda II than it does with: soccer. You know, the one from gym class, where the point is to get as far away from the ball as you possibly can, lest some overly aggressive sports-minded bucket of hormones yells at you for kicking it the wrong way. Boy, I hated gym class.

Anyway.

You’re a witch on a quest to travel from left to right in order to destroy the ultimate evil. You have magical fire spells, sure, but your primary attack, so far as I can tell, is soccer balls. No, seriously! You’re a witch—you know, zap zap, zap, BOOOOOM!!—and your primary means of defeating (defeeting?) your enemies is to kick soccer balls at their heads. I don’t know if that’s terrible or freaking amazing, but I’m leaning toward the latter. Especially since you can kick them from mid-air.

Here’s how the soccer balls thing makes sense in terms of the game’s story. (Yes, there is an explanation.) Our heroine was flying on her broom to Witchtown in order to destroy the ultimate evil, when suddenly, she was hit in the head by an errant soccer ball, no doubt kicked by some No Good Kids These Days. She came crashing down, and—this is a direct quote from the game’s intro—she was “saved by a bag of soccer balls.” I don’t know about you, but I found that line to be incredibly evocative, conjuring an image in my head of a dangerous but lovable bag of soccer balls that becomes your companion and friend throughout the duration of the game. However, I’m pretty sure the game just means that the bag broke her fall.

Anyway, she gathers up the soccer balls and continues her journey on foot. And that’s why your primary attack is soccer balls.

XMAS Taxi

The best videogames, with no exception, are the ones in which you can kill yourself and/or innocent bystanders in a hilarious fashion. This is the primary reason SimCopter was so much fun: because you can pick up a passenger, fly high into the sky—well beyond the height of the game’s tallest skyscrapers—and push your passengers right the hell out of your helicopter. …In fact, this is the only reason SimCopter was so much fun.

XMAS Taxi is entertaining for more or less the same reason. The game is a direct sequel to another Xbox Indie Game, called Astro Taxi, in which you fly around a one-screen stage, pick up passengers, and zoooooom them over to their destinations. This game is basically that game, except with snowmen. My favorite part of the game was when I’d pick up a passenger, push the analog stick to the side as far as it’d go, and “accidentally” go flying at warp-speed into a brick wall.

Playing this game the real way is also fun, too, and more than a little challenging. It’s a simple, retro kind of fun that’s great for all us old fogies who just don’t know what to do with all these damn bits that today’s consoles have.

Office DisOrders

This game is all of the fun of the office—not The Office, the one with all the wacky hijinx, but your actual office—in your Xbox 360. All the fun of making copies, checking your e-mail, and pretending that you’re being productive when you’re really just watching videos of alpacas on YouTube. All the fun of filling out paperwork. All the fun of making coffee. All the fun ofzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Sorry, must’ve dozed off. Anyway, that’s what the game seems like, if all you play is the demo. In a pretty unfortunate design flaw, the game doesn’t get good until the very end of the free trial, at which point everyone’s already quit and gone back to playing Mass Effect 2, and trying to figure out which alien species they haven’t slept with yet. It’s a shame they did that, too, because Office DisOrders—despite initial appearances—is one of the most fun Xbox Live Indie Games available today. They really should have stuck with it.

Office DisOrders is, kind of bizarrely, an adventure game slash The Sims. There are meters you have to maintain, like bladder, hunger, thirst, and exhaustion, but there are also puzzles you have to solve by picking up items, using items, giving items to other people, and peeking inside of boxes to see if anyone’s hiding inside them. Also, there may be explosions involved at some point, and people may or may not remove their pants. If you’ve always wished that your Sims had more storyline, more puzzles, and more, you know, actual point, then you should check out this game.

This game improves upon The Sims in another way—perhaps not in terms of realism, but in terms of actual entertainment. There’s no time stress in this game. You know how, in The Sims, there’s only so many hours in the day for you to work out, paint a picture, stare at your fish tank, and beg your sweetheart for “woo-hoo”? There’s nothing like that in this game. You have all the time in the world to do everything you need to do, which I found made the game much more relaxing to play.

And the game’s also funny! This is at the core of what’s wrong with its trial, because nothing at all funny happens until the last scene of the trial, and the humor—as well as the weird genre-mashing gameplay—is what makes this game so entertaining. There are visual puns. Visual puns! And there is, in fact, plenty of wacky hijinxing, especially as you get further and further into the game. I don’t want to spoil any of it, so I’m just going to have to hope that, at the total cost of $1, you can take my word for it and check out this game.

Games from early in a console’s life often feel a tad like they’re missing something. Have you played Red Steel? Of course you have, and you’re scarred for life because of it. This pain is nothing; deal with it.

Red Steel didn’t feel refined enough. A good vodka has been filtered many times, as has a good game. Take the epic Ocarina of Time: triple distilled. We’ve all played games we’ve regretted buying. It’s part of the console launch, and you were suckered into Dead or Alive Xtreme 2. Enjoy your softcore pornography, jerks.

What usually makes these launch titles awful is just that they’re very primitive, or, rather, they just aren’t breathtaking enough (if such a thing can actually be decided). That is why we were all shocked when Nintendo released Super Mario 64. They weren’t laying down in some office on their arses. Prowess like that shows—Super Mario 64 is absolutely huge, with an outrageous 120 stars to obtain. (Which I never have. Tick Tock Clock and Rainbow Ride’s 100-coin stars mock me from within the SRAM of the cartridge. I hear them snickering as I pass by.)

From the beginning, Nintendo 64 games had a lot to live up to. Super Mario 64 introduced the possibility of having a large 3D in-game world brimming with possibilities, secrets, hidden levels, and penguins. I hadn’t even seen a penguin in a videogame before the glorious day I ripped open the packaging of Super Mario 64 (James Pond 2 notwithstanding).

After Super Mario 64, there were an abundance of platformers released on the Nintendo 64. And they were all, as platformers tend to be, kiddy and stupid. Mario had opened the pen, and all the toddlers waddled into the Nintendo 64 games library. Oh great.

Despite the mustachioed, ravioli-guzzling Italian plumbing the way, however, it is clearly Mystical Ninja Starring Goemon that really shines through. This game isn’t exactly “kiddy”—although it is cute, colourful and has cheerful music. FINE. IT IS A KIDS GAME. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

So Goemon is not a mystical ninja, but actually  a small-time thief. He is based on the Japanese equivalent of Robin Hood, who, instead of having Merry Men, had Scantily Clad Schoolgirls. Goemon does harbor a slightly odd obsession with pipes; make of that what you will.

Tackling climate change some insidious threat, alongside Goemon the Great, is a supporting cast of equally oddball followers: a fat guy, a small robot, and someone actually worth mentioning.

Ah, yes. Amongst Goemon’s impromptu dysfunctional family is the sweet and nimble Yae, Ninja Secret Agent (or something equally as awesome-sounding). She is loyal to king and country, and is awfully good at slicing enemies into halves. She is mysterious, with her long, flowing green hair that mesmerizes the player.

Also, our delectable kunoichi heroine can turn into a mermaid at will—complete with clam shells covering her breasts as if they are some kind of seafood buffet.  This would be a good time to move onto another subject before this review becomes a declaration of affection for a bunch of polygons, which, in previous drafts, it did.

Mystical Ninja Starring Goemon (or Goemon 64) is pretty much a platformer-adventure hybrid. There are no levels, as it were—just exploration of Japan and various creatively designed dungeons. For those who have only been born in the last ten years, it’s like Fallout 3, in that it contains a world, quests, and various items you will need. Oh, and you hurt the developers when you download from a torrent tracker, you detestable pirate!

Goemon 64 also draws parallels to the creepy Castlevania and the messianic Metroid. You do not have a hub area in which you unlock levels, no; the whole of Japan is your hub area. In the nature of these well-known adventure titles, there are a number of puzzles with a rough order, and there are a number of abilities that help you solve these puzzles. Along the way, like in the aforementioned games, you unlock new equipment and better skills for completing harder challenges. We needn’t go into more detail about that. Next slide.

Each of Goemon 64’s multiple heroes has their own abilities and traits. Particular puzzles call for specific characters, so it becomes a mental game of Twister as you associate which character has right hand on green, and left leg on red. The characters themselves are introduced such that, as your current characters are dried up, another is added, whose skills and abilities are necessary to continue. What starts out as a small roster of abilities is maxed out across the space of the game, with necessary skills and secret unlockable powers to be obtained.

So far, I’ve tackled the platforming and the adventuring, which is most of what this game comprises. But let it be noted that, during this journey through Nippon, you will encounter a few minigames. Minigames that wouldn’t feel out of place in Mario Party. And besides these, when Goemon calls upon the gigantic clockwork robot Goemon Impact, you have a small section unlike anything I’ve ever played.

Then, after you have smashed a small Japanese town to pieces, you are thrown headfirst into a boss battle that puts you in command of said gigantic clockwork robot, with the goal of beating ten levels of shit out of another, stronger-looking robot.

It doesn’t take more than a single brain cell to see that what we have within this cartridge is an epic, harking back to the good old days of tongue-in-cheek adventure games.

In 1998, it seems that we still cared about how fun games were. If a videogame turned out a bit rough round the edges, but the whole production was fun from the first five minutes to the staff roll, it was forgiven for its flaws and loved. I don’t see many people who can hug Sonic the Hedgehog 2006. And you know what? Screw them.

Goemon 64 is text-heavy, with lots of clues and hints that, when thought over rationally, lead you to your destination. If you never paid attention in class, and you can’t read, you can’t play Goemon 64. Take that,  you educationally challenged individual! Also, if you’re not capable of reading, then why are you here?

The script for Goemon 64 is a laugh-like-a-drain experience, with satisfying dialogue that is both witty and genuinely brilliant. And if you don’t understand what a joke is, the canned laughter will indicate when you should laugh. (I see this happens a lot in sitcoms. Someone walks in, and they say “It’s me!”, and everyone laughs. A good sitcom need not rely on this!)

But all good things must come to an end, such as this review, or when your favourite sitcom is axed because the cast isn’t interested in a third season. So, therefore, despite the sheer size of the game world, and the large number of goals to be completed, Goemon 64 can easily be beaten over a week in 4-5 sittings. A lot of backtracking helps lengthen the game, but once you’ve stepped foot anywhere, to get back is just a single whistle blow from Yae, and then you’re swept away.

There is very little in replay value—a major downfall for what I consider to be the best platformer on the Nintendo 64. Once you have beaten the game and found all the hidden fortune dolls, you have successfully put Goemon 64 to bed.  Collecting all the dolls does unlock a consecutive boss fighting mode, but I have never completed it, as it is so difficult that it made me cry. You can get more replay value by beating the game again perhaps a year or two after the last time. Nevertheless, you’re not going to be picking the game up that often after defeating it.

If you wish to experience something magical that you most likely didn’t even know existed, dig out your Nintendo 64. I order you to blow the dust out of your Memory Pak. I demand that you get a hold of Mystical Ninja Starring Goemon. What you witness may just change your outlook on videogames forever.

You are excused. Now, go. Go to your local retro game dealer. You know what to do.

So she’s a mermaid? Yeah, I “cod” be in with a chance!

Dear Jenna,

I’ve got a problem… it’s embarrassing.  When I wake up and get out of bed, I feel the sheets and they’re wet.  But it’s not THAT kind of wet, or the kind of wet that happens when I dream about the DOA girls (so hot…).  It’s sweat.  So much sweat, the bed becomes a water bed (if you know what I mean…).  There’s not enough deodorant in the free world that can solve this problem.  What should I do?

Sincerely,

Sweaty McNeverDry

Dear Sweaty,

Jeebus.  Sounds like a serious problem you’ve got here.  These girls (or boys… or turtles… or whatever) you’ve been sleeping with must not be too happy with your overactive pores.  Barring out peeing yourself, or having one too many dreams about Dead or Alive chicks… I say you’ve got a pretty serious problem.  You’ve probably contracted “Nocturnal Poral Emission Syndrome”.  Pretty rare, from what I hear… but the girl who lives across the hallway from me has it.  Go figure.  Strange world.

Anyway… the seemingly simple answer to your ridiculous problem, straight from our resident witch doctor.  All you need to do is track down a small, fat, orange bird… one native to the region of the Fijian peninsula.  Capture it, and squeeze its eyes until mucous comes out.  Rub this liquid all over you body, and it should effectively block all your pores, leaving you more than able to sleep with whomever (or whatever) you wish.  Have fun!

Love, Jenna

Dear Jenna,

I’m planning on going to college, but I’m wondering if I should.  No one seems to respect college graduates.  But everyone thinks ninjas are the coolest.  So, do you think I should g to college or ninja school?

Sincerely,
Wannabe Ninja Boy

Dear Wannabe,

Hmmm.  College vs. ninjas.  I never thought this debate would arise.  The legendary ninjas vs. pirates, yes… but this?  Not so predictable.

Anyway.  College.  College is fun.  If for no other reason than to just rampage around with new friends, create general havoc, and just have fun with your thousands of dollars spent going to school… I put a big fat red check in the “Go to college” box.

But, hey.  Who am I to ever put down the life of the ninja?  If running around stealthily in the shadows and killing people with your left pinky is your passion in life… I say go for it, slugger!  But if you ask me, college fuckin’ rules.  Take advantage of it if you can.

Love, Jenna