The majority of the time (a nice loose phrase that doesn’t require any reasonable evidence to back it), games based upon a movie or television franchise suck balls. They’re phucking awful—usually due to time constraints, or having the sort of developers on board who think that Space Math is passable. These games get released every year, routinely, to coincide with the latest children’s movies.

The Coraline game had so much promise. It could have been a brilliant RPG. No, all we got was minigames. We own a Wii, sure, but how many more games consisting of nothing but miniature games do we need? Take a step back and look at yourself! If you’re churning out games that are just minigames, then do us all a favor and stop breathing!

Shovelware comes in droves, force-feeding us manure until we’re choking on it. And some of us obviously like being made quite the bitch, because these games still sell. They still sell because idiot parents buy them for their insufferable kids. Ship your brat out to war—then he won’t have a Nintendo Wii, and you’ll be able to rent his room out.

Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs does primarily reside in the “SHOVELWARE” category, although there is something I respect it for. I respect it for doing something disrespectful, as it borrows a heap of ideas from other existing games and genres (much how The Simpsons Road Rage borrowed elements from Crazy Taxi).

I’ve seen one Ice Age movie, perhaps two of them, although I don’t remember the second one at all (gives you an idea of just how entertaining they are). A third Ice Age movie is something I needed as much as having my fingers chopped off. The only redeeming feature of the Ice Age franchise is that the great comedian Dennis Leary provides the voice of Diego, who is also a pretty badass character. He was nominated for a Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Award for “Favourite Voice from an Animated Movie” for his role as Diego.

Because I’m a fan of Dennis Leary’s expletive-filled stand-up, and always open to playing more videogames, I decided to give Dawn of the Dinosaurs a go—and you know what? It’s pretty damn competent.

Dawn of the Dinosaurs tells various mini-stories that I presume are based around the story of the film. I haven’t seen the third movie, because I don’t watch movies anymore. I did watch Coraline, now that’s a good movie. Shame it didn’t have a decent game.

I can tell quite easily that the storyline portrayed in Dawn of the Dinosaurs is only loosely based on the movie, though, because the tasks you have to perform throughout this game are so fucking menial that if the film were built on them, it would be the most dreadful-est movie ever concieved. To improve this game, Space Michael might as well turn up, and once he’s done sucking down those greaseball burgers, he initiates V.A.T.S. and kills Solid Snake with Solar Beam. It’s super effective!

Manny's five-minute playable cameo is awful, just like the whole of Sid's levels.

The first couple of levels are frustratingly slow. I understand that Sid the Sloth is, indeed, a sloth, BUT he only has two speeds: CRAWL and STOP! His movements are so sluggish that when compared to any other playable character, he is darned uncomfortable (except Manny, but he’s got a five-minute role, instead of an hour-long one).

Sid does fight really well. But this comes as a weakness, because he doesn’t get to do enough of it. Sort of like the opposite to Sonic Unleashed, where the combat is dreadful AND there’s too much of it.

Once the first block of levels (which makes up about a third of the game) is done, the gameplay really picks up. I’m not surprised that the demo chose to include one of the levels from this part of the game. A character I don’t recognise is flung at me, which means he must be the new hero. I already made the assumption that I would be playing as him for pretty much the rest of the whole game.

Buck, the marsupial with an Australian accent (crikey!), is much faster. Much more agile. Imagine the difference in agility between a Snorlax and an Electrode—that’s the leap from Sid to Buck. His moves are also quite good, but hold on, they remind me of something. Wait! They remind me of many things…

This is when you come to realise that Ice Age 3 really is the Mask*DeMasque of the gaming scene. It takes the combined platforming prowess of Crash Bandicoot, Sonic Adventure and Kao the Kangaroo, throws in a dash of Devil May Cry, and then tosses in the weapon-based combat from Ratchet and Clank .

There are sections of Buck’s levels that transform into Kula World, with clever and precise vine movements. Then, out of the blue, Ninja Gaide-style wall running and wall jumping sections are thrown in for good measure, as well as other features from Sonic Adventure , such as jumping between flat surfaces suspended in the air.

I’d like to say it’s influenced by Pac-Man, too, although it isn’t. It totally could be, though. It’s the Incarnate of videogaming.

And then, picking from Sonic Adventure 2 to finish off this mish-mash of borrowed features, Buck slides down vines in the same way Sonic grinds on rails.

"And that's why we mammals are the superior race!"

Admittedly, none of these sections play as comfortably as the aforementioned sources of inspiration, and they’re also scripted to high hell. The slightest mistake in jumping distance will kill you off very quickly. Frustrating, but not to the level where you want to lob the controller across the room, though.

There are also retro-themed levels, such as an R-Type level, and then the subsequent Star Fox 64-style level. How do we really know this level was influenced by Star Fox 64? We’re told to DO A BARREL ROLL. Then, after a recycled boss, the level transforms into one very similar to the flight levels from the original Spyro the Dragon.

If you’re a big fan of games with their heart in the right place, then you’ll like Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs.

Of course, the curse of franchise cash-ins is ever present. Broken collision and bad scripting hinders the fun, but only ever so slightly. Levels such as the Mickey Mania-inspired running scenes impress as much as they upset. The one Diego level is ever so short, even though he is a character that a lot could be accomplished with.

Other characters only appear for short sections. Scrat, who we see in the movies chasing after a lone acorn, features for three levels paced across the game’s chronology. These play like Donkey Kong Country, complete with floating barrels (now giant plants). They make a nice break from the sluggish Sid levels, and the great (but over-saturated use of) Buck levels.

G'day mate! I'm Buck, the only Australian gaming marsupial. Who's this Ky the Tasmanian Tiger cobber?

A generally enjoyable and family-friendly experience, filled with one-liners and embarassingly bad humour, makes Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs a decent platformer. A megaton of work has gone into keeping it themed and styled after the movies, but some of that time could have been better spent making the menus look better, or clearing up some of Buck’s gameplay issues.

It’s decent, and for a movie tie-in, that says something. But just how decent boils down to your love for charming games, and for blatant idea theft.

It’s a weekender at most, so if you’re interested, it makes a lot more sense to rent it than to buy it.

And before I forget, Marble Madness has been ripped off, too.

Playing videogames.

Thanks to the magic of YouTube, this terrifying exercise in make-believe can become a reality. When you’ve got an audio-only recording of Michael Ridgaway trying out Ratchet & Clank Future: A Crack in Time, it truly feels like he’s in the same room as you, playing with your air and breathing your PlayStation 3. When you pair that audio-only recording with a slideshow of screenshots from the game, it truly feels like Michael is in the same room as you, playing Ratchet & Clank: A Wrinkle in Time, while you’re watching a slideshow of screenshots from the game.

I had barely heard of Cratchit & Hank before The GameCola Podcast #16, but that didn’t stop me from watching these videos as part of my required administrator duties for the GameCola YouTube channel. If you’re on the fence about whether or not to try out these videos, for goodness’ sake, man, get off! It’s a picket fence! I can’t believe you’d even consider sit—what? Oh. Socket Wrench & Clink, right.

Even if you’re unfamiliar with the series, and even if the idea of listening to someone else play videogames isn’t immediately appealing, at least give the first video a shot—many of us at GameCola are better at talking about videogames than playing them, and I promise you that Michael’s commentary is far more interesting than what you get to see of the gameplay. Plus, the first video has one of my favorite gags ever to appear in one of our YouTube videos, and it’d be a shame for you to miss out on the joke. It’d also be a shame for you to miss out on some of the ridiculous pictures of Michael that are interspersed with the screenshots. I won’t ruin the surprise, but there’s one that looks just like this:

Podcast #16 is shorter than most, which means that there are only five videos in this series, and they’re all under 10 minutes. Try out the first two videos here, and if the thought of having Michael Ridgaway in your room doesn’t spook you, check out the entire playlist for Hatchet & Clunk Take a Bite Out of Crime.

If you find yourself getting fidgety, remember that you don’t have to watch the slideshow of screenshots. You could…you know…do something more active, like RATING OUR YOUTUBE VIDEOS AND GAMECOLA ARTICLES. You may have noticed that our archives are gradually filling up with content from pre-revolution-era GameCola.net; those articles need love (or loathing) just as much as the new stuff, and I’d call you a liar if you said you couldn’t multitask by listening to the videos and reading—whoa, gotta stop writing for a while so I can focus on breathing again.

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Ratchet & Clank: Going Commando takes place in the Bogon Galaxy.  The crazy Mr. Fizzwidget, who makes up his own words, sends Ratchet on a mission of “dire urgitude” to retrieve his stolen experiment.  Clank meets up with him later.  They fly from planet to planet in search of the thief.  The story shifts and goals change throughout the journey.

I could not turn off the game when I played it first.  I played it for over seven hours straight.  Each objective takes place on another planet, so Ratchet & Clank are constantly exploring.  You will be temped to keep playing because of the new worlds.  Most planets contain new weapons in exchange for bolts.  You keep playing because you want more weapons, more items, and more gadgets.  There are minigames (called Maxi-games) along the trip to keep you occupied if, for some strange reason, you become uninterested in the game.  They also allow you to earn items and bolts.

The metal noise produced from picking up the bolts is awesome.  It makes the lovely sound of dropping screws on the floor.  Sometimes Ratchet will pick up thousands of bolts at a time.  A gadget called the Therminator will freeze water and melt ice.  My favorite sound in the whole game is when the ice freezes.  It’s a sound like splitting on a lake.  The voice actors are really talented.  James Arnold Taylor provides the voice of Ratchet.  David Kaye does the voice for Clank; you might remember him as Megatron from Beast Wars.  Look online to see the many other projects they were in.  The explosions get loud because of the potential to blast enemies with the huge arsenal of weapons.  The Bouncer is a device that shoots out a large ball that splits into seven separate bombs or more.  The explosion from one shot of the Bouncer is immense.  When it is fully upgraded, say goodbye to everything on the screen.

The controls have not changed much from the original.  They have just been touched up.  Ratchet controls very well.  He responds instantly to your commands.  Clank seems to have awkward controls, but it could be from the familiarity of Ratchet.  He is just smaller and has poor jump ability due to the fact that he is a one foot tall robot.  The space missions have a tunnel vision effect, but its not too bad.  The hover bikes don’t turn very sharply, but you can slow down to avoid slamming into a wall.  The controls are good for the most part.

All of the planets are well detailed.  There are big cities, hilly tundras, and boggy swamps.  Everything is blended smoothly.  The weapons are well designed.  The enemies are vicious.  Some of my favorite parts in the game are the spherical worlds.  They are small planets that take less than a minute to dash around.  In one of them, you can launch off of jump pads and see the entire planet.  In another, you can destroy every building.  There are great futuristic visuals all around.  It has great graphics for a cartoon game.

I played through the whole game three times before I could take it out of my system.  The original weapons all upgrade, you can buy the mega version from a vendor on your second time through the game, and then those will advance to the ultimate version of the weapon.  I finally was complete with the upgrades on the third time though, so I could just blow up everything in sight.  The Maxi-games add a lot of replay also.  The hover bike races, space missions, spherical worlds, and battle arenas add plenty of variety to the action-packed game.  I am tempted to play through it for a fourth time, but I will beat the original instead.

With all of the genres Ratchet & Clank: Going Commando draws from, it expands outside of the action/adventure category.  You run, fly, swim, swing, race, and much more.  There is even a hidden first person mode.  There aren’t words to describe the power that Ratchet & Clank: Going Commando delivers.  You will have to experience it for yourself.