I’m glad we could clear that up.

Like GameCola. We’re famous, right?

Pandaland is sweet. But it has one glaring issue. You can bet your bottom dollar that this game is perhaps the shortest indie game you’ll ever play, unless you died on the first spike in Cave Story and then hung the game up in disgust.

In Oriental Endangered Species World, the player takes control of Amanda Panda. She is on an adventure to save her friends (or at least, I think that’s the story) from some evil person who looks suspiciously like Wart from Super Mario Bros 2.

You attack by throwing cherries at people, and there are evil poodles that try to kill you by barking. It is zany (but let’s face it—most of the games I play are). I wish I understood more about the premise, and why cherries are the main weapon, particularly. Just in case I can use cherries to protect myself from attackers, because these shurikens are moderately more expensive.

Some of those floor tiles look suspiciously like the title screen tiles from Super Mario Bros. 3, come to think of it. Yep, they look pretty similar, Warts and all.

I’m making it sound like a lunch-break game, and, well, I guess that’s the perfect description, actually. Simple and hardly challenging, and you’re not likely to get a Game Over of any kind. Unless you lack the capacity to play videogames. Or the capacity to breathe.

The game switches to a harder difficulty once you defeat Wart the final boss, but it isn’t really any harder. The extra difficulty barely constitutes replayability, as once you beat the game twice, there isn’t any more incentive to play it again.

Did I mention that the final boss looks like Wart? I think I have already.

He attacks by popping a bottle of champagne. I’ve fought paraplegics who were tougher than this guy.

Oh snap.

The game only contains four levels, so as far as indie games go, it’s a midget at a Giant/Giantess Convention. But that suits me just fine, as it means you can play the game every couple of months or so without it getting old. It wastes five minutes I’d have otherwise spent stressing out about something.

As far as indie games go, and taking into account its small size, this is exactly the kind of game you should pass around on a thumb-drive. Share the Pandaland love—it ain’t a long game, and it ain’t tricky, but it’s worth a quick play. I’m sure you’ll be at least somewhat satisfied.

More than half a year after its unintelligible debut, I checked in on Transcribe Audio to see if it had ditched its moneygrubbing liberal agenda. While the quantity of correctly interpreted pronouns had certainly increased, recognition of the parts that actually mattered still left something to be desired. That is, if you wanted a precise word-for-word translation. The video run of Super Mario Bros. 2 that Editor-in-Chief Paul Franzen, former staff writer Michael Gray, and yours truly collaborated on revealed that Transcribe Audio’s primary purpose was to introduce new phrases into our lexicon that would replace overused words, like “awesome”:

Transcribe Audio also replaced my insufferable commentary with little-known facts about myself:

I swear, I was saying “Mega Man” there.

Transcribe Audio was also very good at stating the obvious, for the benefit of visually impaired viewers:

Sometimes, I thought the translation was trying to be clever:

It wasn’t until the very end of the game that I realized the translation had become sentient. I don’t know what kind of sinister educational agenda it had for me, but I’m fairly certain we were between sentences and not saying anything when this popped up:

Also, we’re horrible people. Especially Michael Gray.

GameCola is a brutal, terrible place. Paul writes about it all the time in his diary:

Disconcerting, considering what a fine upbringing he had. Unless Transcribe Audio totally botched the words “Mario 3 is da bomb”:

Actually, that must have been a mistranslation, because I don’t think any of us know how to use the word “meritorious.” We do, however, know how to craft sentences that sound like rejected Beatles lyrics:

Truly, our talents know no bounds. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for our understanding of grocery stores:

And honestly, you’d think Michael would’ve known something like that, considering the kind of educational television he grew up with:

Yeah, I think we all deserve a fireball to the head for saying these kinds of things. Fortunately—and this is where I’ll leave you—Paul’s misinterpreted attempt to mention Dragon Warrior yielded an insightful factoid:

Special thanks to Transcribe Audio for making the world a better place.

Welcome back to the GameCola Top 50 Videogames, etc., etc. Now that you’ve had time to absorb and digest #50-31 on last week’s list, it’s time to move on to #30-11. This week we’ve got shape-shifting vampires, aspiring buccaneers, and a diminutive space prince, just to name a few. So, take a look-see through Part Two of our top 50 and let us know in the comments what you think.

30. Okami

Who’s to blame:
Elizabeth Medina-Gray – #4
Jeff Day – #16

In Okami, you play as Amaterasu, a sun goddess in wolf form, who must save the world from eternal darkness. Yes, you play as a wolf who’s also a god. This game is awesome.

The world of Okami is based on classical Japanese mythology, and one of the most immediately impressive things about the game (after the wolf-god thing, of course) is that every aspect of the game’s design plays off of this classical Japanese theme. From the stunningly beautiful pseudo-brush-stroke graphics, to the background music, to the main gameplay mechanic—drawing on the screen with a magical paint brush to affect the environment—everything about this game fits together perfectly, and it’s all so cool. Playing as Amaterasu feels like living in (and helping to create) a richly detailed work of art.

On top of its obviously impressive and innovative design, however, Okami is raised to the level of “great game” through its story and gameplay. The world of Okami is filled with engaging (and often, funny) characters to talk to, inventive dungeons to complete, and challenging enemies to fight. The paintbrush mechanic is exceedingly fun and rewarding (and surprisingly easy to control with the PS2 controller once you get used to it), allowing Amaterasu to do everything from drawing the sun in the sky, to directing a stream of fire, to making trees bloom—and all of these are essential to the game’s progress. Okami is, overall, a great game because it has a solid story, engaging gameplay, astounding visuals, and a lot of heart.

-Elizabeth “Lizo” Medina-Gray

29. Mega Man X

Who’s to blame:
David Donovan – #7
Michael Ridgaway – #14

If it weren’t for Mega Man X, I may never have grown up to love heavy metal as much as I do. When I first popped the game into my SNES all those years ago, I was expecting something along the lines of the last Mega Man game I played (6, I think). What I got was a title screen that blew my mind with an awesome metal theme song and crisp new graphics. The rest of the game did not disappoint, with the graphics providing colorful and detailed worlds that were as much fun to look at as they were to play and the music providing an awesome soundtrack that kept my little heart pounding the entire time.

Mega Man X took the Mega Man series to the next level by incorporating new mechanics such as the wall-kick and dash, by including more exploration and collectibles, and by including more of a story within the game’s action. It’s not without its flaws—for instance, the game’s final boss is notoriously tedious to beat, and this is a task I’ve only ever managed once or twice in my life—but overall the game sports an incredible level of polish and refinement. The X franchise has declined in recent years, but there will always be a special place in my heart for the one that came first and the unending love of metal it imparted on my tiny being.

-Michael Ridgaway

28. Rock Band 2

Who’s to blame:
Zach Rich – #5
Matt Jonas – #17
Christian Porter – #23

Whoever said that playing the real thing rather than these plink-a-dink toys was more fun…is still right. But for the sake of pick-up-and-play party fun, I’ve yet to encounter a game better than Rock Band 2. This game gets everything perfect: the look and feel of the rise of a rock band, the customization to make the band all your own, and a setlist that is absolutely killer—not to mention the other 1,000+ songs now available through DLC. There aren’t that many games launched in 2008 that still have the support and community that Harmonix has brought to RB2, and with a Green Day expansion and the next numbered title coming to us further down the line, the best rhythm game of all time is looking to become a hell of a lot better. Now…a little Porcupine Tree, Harmonix, if you will.

-Zach Rich

27. Lufia II

Who’s to blame:
Matt Gardner – #1
Elizabeth Medina-Gray – #13

Hands down, the greatest thing to have ever happened. Lufia II achieved an impeccable level of balance of RPG elements, creating an immersive experience that doesn’t once trip you up with excessive grinding, poor level design, boring characters, or other issues that have long plagued the RPG genre. The dungeons are well-designed, filled with fun puzzles and ZERO random encounters. The visuals are great, and the music is simply astounding. There are fun minigames and diversions, as well, such as raising capsule monsters to join you in battle, and winning bitchin’ new weapons from casinos. This game also contains one of the most compelling reimaginations of the classic “heroes save the world from evil” story ever. From an RPG standpoint, this game does everything right.

-Matt Gardner

26. Star Wars Jedi Knight: Dark Forces II

Who’s to blame:
David Donovan – #6
Nathaniel Hoover – #8

The Star Wars games have always been a curious anomaly: licensed games that are actually good. Not only have they frequently been good, but at times they’ve even been ground-breaking. I won’t pull a trick from the Nintendo Book of Marketing and claim that Jedi Knight is really a “first-person adventure,” but the immense and varied level design (that often places a surprising emphasis on platforming and adventure elements) leaves you with a sense that you are playing something more than just another FPS. This is not to say that Jedi Knight disappoints in terms of Stormtrooper-slaughtering mayhem. Why shoot enemies when you can choke them with the Force? Why choke them when you can shoot them while you’re choking them? Add in lightsaber duels, a Rancor fight (in the Mysteries of the Sith expansion), and the complete absence of midi-chlorians, pod racing, or Jar Jar Binks, and you’ve got one of the most solid and memorable Star Wars games ever.

-David Donovan

25. Katamari Damacy

Who’s to blame:
Elizabeth Medina-Gray – #12
Paul Franzen – #18
Jeff Day – #19
David Donovan – #20

What can I say? Katamari Damacy is just one of those games that excels at fun. Cute, funny, quirky (make that extremely quirky) but also very challenging, Katamari Damacy has something for both the casual and the serious gamer. OK, I don’t know how “serious” one can actually be while rolling a giant sticky katamari around the world and gathering up objects/people/buildings/etc., but you know what I mean. Katamari Damacy is on this list because it is crazily innovative (i.e. weird), addictive, and full of innocent fun (unless someone somehow wants to see the rolling-up-maidens level as not so innocent). Plus, the soundtrack is really great. The various sequels are good too, of course, but the original Katamari Damacy wins, overall, for its originality and just plain awesomeness.

-Elizabeth “Lizo” Medina-Gray

24. Final Fantasy VI

Who’s to blame:
Christian Porter – #6
Mark Freedman – #18
Justin Luschinski – #21
David Donovan – #23
Michael Ridgaway – #24

Before Square tried to sink its flagship by loading it full of pretty cutscenes and hoping we didn’t notice that the story and gameplay got shittier with every passing game, they used to actually try to make it one of the finest game franchises around. Never was this more clear than with the release of Final Fantasy VI.

It was ahead of its time in graphics, audio and gameplay, but FFVI’s enthralling storyline is what truly made this game a classic. It served as one of the greatest kicks in the videogame industry’s collective ass that if the industry is going to progress, we’re going to need deeper plot lines than “save the princess” or “beat that bad guy ’cause he’s bad.” FFVI paved the way for the complex storytelling of today’s games like Ninjabread Man Mass Effect or Metal Gear Solid.

-Christian Porter

23. Fallout 3

Who’s to blame:
Mark Freedman – #2
Paul Franzen – #21
Justin Luschinski – #23
Matt Jonas – #23

One of the greatest games ever…there’s just so much to do, and you can do it any way you want. The post-apocalyptic future world is your oyster. Jimmy is looking for his daddy. Maybe he can’t find him because he’s held captive by the Super Mutants, or maybe he can’t find him because you blew his head off. The choice is yours. Whether you’re a nice guy, a bad guy, or somewhere in between, there’s nearly endless possibilities. Part RPG, part shooter—this game has it all.

-Mark Freedman

22. The Secret of Monkey Island

Who’s to blame:
Paul Franzen – #11
Michael Ridgaway – #14
David Donovan – #17
Nathaniel Hoover – #22

Part of what makes The Secret of Monkey Island grab us by our hearts and just squeeze, squeeze, squeeze is that, at its core, it’s a game about wishes and dreams. (I’m being serious now; this is me being serious.) Forget about the treasure hunting, the insult sword-fighting, and even the rubber-chicken-with-a-pulley-in-the-middle; when the game opens with that beautiful star-lit night sky, and the hero introduces himself by saying “My name’s Guybrush Threepwood, and I want to be a pirate!”, we’re hooked. From that point on, the game might be mostly silly jokes about dairy farmers and leather jackets, but it starts with a tone of hope and ambition that sticks with us throughout all the pointing and clicking.

So what’s the game actually about? It’s the classic story of a young dreamer and his quest to become a grog-swilling, gut-stabbing, wench-wooing pirate—a quest that you get to help him with by picking up objects, combining objects, using objects, giving objects to others, and fooling people into believing that there is a three-headed monkey standing directly behind them. It wasn’t the first point-and-click adventure game, but its sense of humor, charm, music, loveable main character, story of hope, and total lack of any way for you to die without trying made it by far the best of its time, and, arguably, still one of the best today.

-Paul Franzen

21. Final Fantasy VII

Who’s to blame:
Matt Jonas – #5
Christian Porter – #12
Elizabeth Medina-Gray – #20

Revitalizing the role-playing genre through more than just the transition from 2D to 3D, Final Fantasy VII became the benchmark for all other RPGs. This three-disc behemoth has everything that was possible at the time—a gripping story, fantastic characters, a massive soundtrack, cutting-edge graphics—and they still had room for full-motion video!

The story has a very strong eco-friendly theme, and it takes you by the hand all the way through, chock full of surprises and suspense and other awesome words beginning with “s.” It is considered the best game in the series by many, including myself.

-Matt Jonas

Move along to the next page…

]]> http://gamecola.net/2010/05/the-gamecola-top-50-videogames-ever-made-in-the-whole-of-human-history-as-far-as-we%e2%80%99re-concerned-part-two/feed/ 12 http://gamecola.net/2010/02/super-mario-bros-2/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=super-mario-bros-2 http://gamecola.net/2010/02/super-mario-bros-2/#comments Wed, 03 Feb 2010 06:18:01 +0000 Nathaniel Hoover http://gamecola.net/?p=2753 There isn’t a person on the planet who hasn’t heard of Super Mario Bros. 2. After a quick YouTube search, it also seems that there isn’t a person on the planet who hasn’t done a video playthrough of Super Mario Bros. 2. Why, then, would Paul Franzen and Michael Gray choose to play through a game that everyone has already done?

Peer pressure, duh. Everybody’s doing it.

Aha, but not everyone keeps things fresh like a Ziplock® storage ba—erm…like Paul and Michael, who take turns playing each stage, responding to each other’s audio commentary in the process—almost as though they’re in the same room together! It’s the closest experience to hanging out with them in person that you’ll ever want to have.

While their digressions about old cartoon shows and their unique gameplay strategy of dying a lot are certainly interesting, it’s not until the end of World 4 that things start to heat up. This is humorously ironic, you see, because World 4 is an ice world, and…oh, forget it. Anyflurry, that’s when yours truly (Nathaniel Hoover) hijacks the playthrough and enters the rotation, proving that I should really stick to playing and talking about Mega Man games.

The final video is a real keeper, though, because all three of us take turns walloping Wart. Wart, in return, wallops all three of us, but we somehow manage to beat the game. We’re that good.

Don’t skip ahead to the final video just yet, though. Get a feel for this joint playthrough of Super Mario Bros. 2 by watching the first two videos below, one by Paul and one by Michael. If you like what you see, warp to the full SMB2 playlist on the GameCola YouTube channel! Or else we’ll feed you to Wart.

Before I begin this review, allow me to clear up a common misconception: Pong was not the first videogame ever made—that distinction goes to Super Mario Bros. 2.

Let me also preface my review with a disclaimer of sorts: There aren’t a lot of ways you can review Pong. Well, there are, but all the clever ones have already been taken.

If you tilt your head to the side, Pong looks a bit like a primitive Frogger.

I’ll kick off my review after I explain what I mean. Obviously, you can explain what the game is, how it works, whether it’s any fun—you know, a normal review.

However, Pong is so much simpler in every regard than almost any other game a person would normally review; a fair and effective review of Pong usually requires at least a small bit of historical background to put things in context.

Unfortunately—and I’ll get to my review momentarily—history is not my forte; even if I had the motivation to exhaustively research the history of Pong, (a) getting any of the facts wrong would make me look like a doofus; and (b) reviews that cover the historical background and cultural significance of Pong already exist, and they’re all better than anything I could hope to hammer out. So much for a normal review, then.

That’s why people have resorted to creative reviews of Pong: talking about Pong as though it’s an RPG; comparing Pong to a battle between Good and Evil; describing Pong as a metaphor for man’s desire to break free of things that restrain him; etc. Which, I guess, is what I need to resort to as well. Of course, if I choose the creative path, does that make my review uncreative because I’m taking a cue from other people to be creative? Augh, this is making my head hurt!

Now, before I start reviewing Pong, let me clarify that I’m not going to write some intricate story that anthropomorphizes the game, nor am I going to turn Pong into some kind of metaphor. Furthermore, I refuse to even mention any games that are clones of Pong or were inspired by Pong; this review is about the original only, and I will mention nothing else.

::ahem::

Pong inspired a slew of copycats, such as the sport of tennis.

At this time I would like to begin my review. Prior to commencing my review, however, I would ask that you keep an open mind and clear out any preconceptions you have about Pong. Anyone who has ever played a videogame undoubtedly has an idea of what Pong is, and I don’t want to confuse anyone if my explanation doesn’t match their expectations.

On the most basic level, Pong is all about hitting a square ball back and forth. On a more sophisticated level, Pong is all about hitting a square ball back and forth.

Thank you for reading my review.

(Note: My scores for this game are neither outrageously subjective nor objectively based on Pong’s historical context. To arrive at these scores, I played six games of Pong against the computer. The first time the computer scored a point against me, I wrote down my score at the time and assigned it to whichever category deserved it most. As you can tell, I am the master of Pong.)

• Motion controls
• The cool-looking new Metroid game
• Game titles (mainly what they should call New Super Mario Bros. Wii)
• How the world needs more vegetable-tossing side-scrollers
• BioShock 2
• How the Beatles promoted The Beatles: Rock Band
• The Last Guardian, AKA Project Trico, AKA Ico 3
• Turok 64
• “Evil Chocolate” is a great band name
• Achievement Points
• Facebook/Twitter bashing and Facebook/Twitter defending
• The new Monkey Island games
• Lego Harry Potter
• Left 4 Dead 2
• Achievement Points again

Download

Usually, this idea comes from people who play the series in reverse. Like I did. Truth be told, as a 7 year old I had the same reaction every other young Mario player had when they fired this game up—an hour long “hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…?” This game was a great big can of WTF sauce, ladled by a postpubescent Shigeru Miyamoto who clearly had not lost his virginity yet. Nothing about this game comes close to resembling the one that came before it. Mario had clearly gained some weight, which evidently got sucked from a comatose Luigi. Then Toad apparently grew some testes (something asexual fungi should not be able to do normally) and brought a levitating Princess Peach with him to join the Mario brothers as they got sucked into the Dream World to save the Subcons from Bowser Wart and fight his own unique army of wutdefucs with sickly vegetables, bombs, and the almighty POW block.

It probably makes more sense when you discover the worst kept Nintendo secret ever—this game was never designed to be a Mario game. You get it now? It was originally released in Jay-Pan as Doki Doki Panic! You can wiki it from there.

Anyway, my own personal experience with this game is pretty rich. To this day, I cannot play it without remembering how frustrated I was trying to jump on enemies and having it refuse to work. It took a year and a babysitter to show me how to do it right. A quick wiki search of my own reveals that I’m not the only one who felt slighted. Many Mario fans consider this the black sheep of the series. That’s a bunch of bullshit; we all know the REAL black sheep of the Mario series is MARIO BASEBALL. ScrewAttack even went so far as to say Mario 2 is the 9th worst Mario game ever.

Wait, wait, wait, what? There are TEN bad Mario games? Not on this planet, fajit.

The fact is, even as a bastardized, cloak-and-dagger switcheroo that takes an otherwise forgettable game that was born from crystals of Maui-Wowie still encrusted in the corners of Miyamoto’s bong and turns it into the Super Sequel to the Super Selling Super Videogame of all time, Super Mario Bros. 2 still delivers all across the board. The graphics are much more detailed and fun to look at. The enemies are richly bizarre and thoroughly entertaining to fight. The level designs are legendary and a great improvement over the static (though contextually simple, Jeddy) build of the original. Every level is very distinct and just packed full of great, freaky ideas that not only worked, but completely fucked the original way we used to design side-scrollers.

I mean, we could run a list of 10 ideas this game used to legendary effect.

…Well, why don’t we?

1. Searching for power-ups in mirror worlds with a limited number of ways to get in and check.

2. Running for your life from a crazed Djinn mask as you carry a key to your far destination.

3. Digging your way through a pyramid and avoiding enemies and Djinns.

4. The use of Pac-Man style level wrap.

5. Going inside Indian jars to discover either a warp zone or a warped area.

6. Plucking a fucking rocket ship out of the ice to fly up to a level where you ride a gun machine over spikes to make it safely through the stage.

7. Whales much?

8. Not killing Birdo in 4-3 so you can ride her egg across the river.

9. Level 7.

10. Princess Peach can fucking fly!

Oh, the list goes on. Runner up is the second-to-last boss where the level exit betrays you. This game is so richly deep, fun to play, and fundamentally improved over the original that it pretty much invents its own royal bloodline. Like if the adopted Prince was such a better King than his adoptive father that HIS bloodline is now the royal bloodline. Did you see the original Super Mario Bros. 2? It’s just a hardtype of Super Mario Bros. 1! You should be thankful!

Canon my red, shaven ass. This game paved the way for Mario to fully realize his potential. I’m giving this game the highest score I’ve ever scored anything on a 1-to-10 scale of scoring.

Rating your Wii Virtual Console collection.

Well, I figured it was time to write this article. With WiiWare and Virtual Console titles growing in number every week, it’s becoming increasingly difficult to keep everything you want on your Wii menu. Even though Wii hard drive space is only an issue for geeks and otaku, I figured it was time to do them a service and point out which titles should be ready to play without re-downloading them.

How to play: Grab your little sister or brother and tie them up. Grab a pen so you can write on their back or face to keep score. I know I usually tell you to grab a pencil, but pencils don’t write very well on siblings, and yes, I know this because I’ve tried. Below the title of the game will be point totals. If the game listed is currently on your Wii channel, you’ll gain plus points. If it’s not, you’ll be a loser among geeks and otaku, and the only thing you’ll have left is the joy of the mental aguish you’ve caused your sibling. Physical, too, if you write hard enough.

You start with +50 points of integrity because your sibling is smart enough not to hold me accountable for you tying them up and writing all over them.

Own: +50

Don’t Own: -45

Why You Should Own It: This title is a freakin’ classic—that’s all there is to it. Excels all around and offers a long and rewarding experience.

Super Mario World

Own: +45

Don’t Own: -40

Why You Should Own It: The first Mario title to hit the SNES has tons of stuff to explore; challenging levels; and great music, graphics, and gameplay. An all-star platformer. Yoshi is not annoying in this game, another big plus.

Own: +45

Don’t Own: -40

Why You Should Own It: Best RPG available on the VC. Excellent turn-based gameplay full of fun characters and an engaging story with great sound and graphics. Perfect for people who are obsessed with collecting things like cards.

Super Metroid

Own: +40

Don’t Own: -35

Why You Should Own It: Incredible gameplay and atmospheric music make for a great platform experience. Tons of areas to explore and armor and upgrades to find, and a fine balance between pacing and challenge, make this an epic treasure that’s been locked away for far too long.

Own: +35

Don’t Own: -30 (see below)

Why You Should Own It: Yes, another Zelda title, but this one returns to the top-down roots of the first game. With improved graphics, sound, gameplay, weapons, and story, this one arguably tops the NES game in every way and also includes a length and depth of play almost unheard of in the SNES area. Only -5 if you owned this title on the SNES and the Game Boy Advance and you couldn’t bring yourself to purchase it a third time.

How’s your score looking so far? Have you accumulated all 265 points? Are you a jerk bunny douchebag with -140? Don’t look so down. It’s not like this score will be plastered on your forehead where it will be used to judge your merit as a human being every day! Have +5 points so you’ll stop crying.

Donkey Kong Country 1 -or- 2 -or- 3

Own: +30

Don’t Own: -20

Why You Should Own It: Solid run-and-jump platform games, although the first one lacks some of the options the sequels offer. Lots of variety offered, even though the graphics don’t stand up to the test of time. Also, if you have some Malt liquor, pour some out onto the sidewalk for Rare being Microsoft only.

Own: +30

Don’t Own: -25

Why You Should Own It: Again, classics. These games redefined the platform genre for years to come. Unfortunately, all the titles are dated and look and sound like the era they come from. They are still well put together and offer a solid retro gaming experience, even though some people don’t like to include the second title as canon since it was ripped off of a different game. I feel it still has to be here, since it is a part of the mystique and mythology of the whole North American experience with Super Mario Bros.

Sin and Punishment

Own: +20

Don’t Own: -20

Why You Should Own It: A lot of charm and uniqueness found in this formerly import only title that never before made it to the States. Really one of the best action titles to make it on the VC, with decent graphics but an overall outstanding visual design. Definitely a gem for those looking for something new.

Own: +15

Don’t Own: -10 (see below)

Why You Should Own It: Flagship Genesis titles that make for a good platforming experience. Great soundtracks and fast-paced action. The first title doesn’t have much in the way of variety, but later titles have more options, and all of them are fun if you don’t mind obsessively memorizing stage layouts. -60 points if you don’t have any of these because you’re holding on to some kind of Nintendo fanboy Sega Genesis rivalry dating back to the 80s and early 90s. Time to grow up.

Gunstar Heroes

Own: +15

Don’t Own: -10

Why You Should Own It: Excellent level design, great gameplay, and a lot of frantic shoot-’em-up action. Best shooter available on the VC with a handful of different play modes makes this a must-have for shooter fans.

Are you carved out of wood yet, or are you a quivering pile of jelly? I think that smell is the trail of urine running down your leg, but yet we press on! Well, not so fast, Franco. There are some final calculations to make. If any of the games below are sitting on your Wii channels, no points are lost or added. These games are good filler to round out your collection, but none of them are must haves.

Fillers: ActRaiser, Bubble Bobble, Castlevania, F-Zero, The Legend of Zelda, Kirby’s Adventure, Neutopia 1 & 2, R-Type 3, Star Fox 64, Street Fighter 2, Super Mario 64.

Any other game currently on one of your Wii channels, -5 points.

Tally up all your points and go on a journey of self-discovery and disappointment!

-260 or less, Rotting Sea Bass. If you’re not purchasing any of these games, you’re probably not making use of the VC. Not making use of the VC and owning a Wii is like owning a house but only living in half of it.

-209 to -50, Slimy Goldfish. You’ve only picked up a few titles. You’re an embarrassing retro gamer unless you’re playing these on an emulator (FOR SHAME!), because two years ago that was what you had to do to play them.

-49 to 149, Popcorn Shrimp. Needs more work. If you ended up here, you probably only bought the classics you played as a kid. Come on, show some sense of adventure. Pick up Sin and Punishment and give it a try! Drop a few points on Sonic. It’s OK! Sega and Nintendo are BBFs now.

150 to 379, Fresh Sushi. You have a respectable collection of VC games, and you have shown responsibility in making your choices. Not everything can fit on your Wii channels, though, so you need to choose what you keep available. When you show off your Wii to potential mates you want to have sex with, you want to be able to show them the classics and things that will impress them. Sure, Wave Race 64 is a great game, but it needs to be relegated to a game you can redownload, not something that sits around taking up one of your precious few channels. If you’re missing any classics, pick them up already!

380, Top Shelf Sashimi. You are the kind of VC game owner who makes people swoon.

381 or more, Mathematical Powerhouse. You have found some way to add numbers in such a way that their sum is greater than their actual possible sum. Try again, moron.

Hello everyone, and welcome to Inside the Guide, the article that gives you a behind-the-scenes look at writing guides for videogames. This month I’m going to be more serious than joking when I discuss Super Mario Bros. 2, as released in Japan. So if you don’t like serious stuff, just look at the pictures and move on to the next article.

Now, if you’re like me, you played Super Mario Bros. 2 on your NES a couple dozen times, mainly because it was loads better than Super Mario Bros. I couldn’t beat Super Mario Bros., even with a Game Genie. But I could beat Super Mario Bros. 2, so I played that more often.

But, as it turns out, Super Mario Bros. 2 isn’t a Mario game. Nintendo thought SMB2 was “too hard” for Americans. So, what they did was take a game called Doki Doki Panic, change the characters to Mario characters, and release it in the U.S. as a Mario game. Take a look at the two games, and you’ll see that they’re pretty much the same:

Super Mario Bros. 2

Doki Doki Panic

So, what happened to the real Super Mario Bros. 2? It was released only in Japan. There are copies of it floating around the Internet, but it’s kind of hard to find. I found a copy of it, so I wrote a guide on how to beat it.

Super Mario Bros. 2 is pretty much exactly the same as Super Mario Bros., because every 2D Mario game is the same: All you have to do is go to the right, avoid the bad guys, and save the Princess. Fortunately for me, the Web site I got the game from had a mini-guide that told you how to beat the game. I beefed up the mini-guide by putting in jokes and more in-depth explanations, and, in a relatively short time, I had a guide of my own.

Super Mario Bros. 2 introduced the poisonous mushroom. Touch it and you die.

I thought that would be the end of the story, since this is a rare game that nobody plays; but, it turned out that I had to update it not once, but THREE times!

Update One: My first version of the guide included warp zones, which meant that I skipped some levels. That’s the whole point of using warp zones, right? You want to skip as many levels as possible. Who wants to play every freaking level in a Mario game? Anyway, my guide was marked as “half-done” because I skipped some levels, so I had to go back and update the guide. I did a really half-assed job for the update. For example, I say the way to beat the water levels is to “Swim right while avoiding the enemies.” Fortunately, no one noticed that I didn’t put any effort into the guide, and so the guide was marked as “fully done.”

A warp zone that takes you backwards. If this doesn’t make you want to throw your controller at the screen, nothing will.

Update Two: Approximately 50000000 people e-mailed me asking me for a copy of a ROM for this game. Well, I don’t have one, and even if I did, I’d never admit I have one, because it’s illegal. To get everyone off my back, I gave a link to a Web site that may or may not have the ROM. It worked, and people no longer ask me for a copy of that game’s ROM, even though the Web site I linked to no longer exists.

The title screen. This game was only released in Japan, but all of the text is in English. What the heck?

Update Three: Some person named Kef Li read my guide and had a bunch of advice for how to improve it. Instead of reading his advice, I just copy/pasted it into my guide, giving credit to him. “Why bother?” is my motto when it comes to updating a guide with reader-submitted information.

One of the few changes between this and the first Mario game is that the fire wands can appear outside in this game, whereas, in the first game, they only appeared inside Bowser’s castle. Mario nerds thought this was a major change.

So that’s this month’s version of Inside the Guide. Sorry if it’s not that funny because I spent all my time talking about guide-making things instead of making jokes, but writing guides is the topic of this column, after all. I’m also really, really sorry that Elizabeth Medina-Gray won’t date me just because she thinks we might be related, but that’s another story.