Every few years a game comes along that changes the face of console entertainment. A game that breaks every template both graphically and creatively. A game that sparks the mind’s curiosity. A game that guarantees a smile throughout the entirety of the gameplay. You simply cannot turn away from the sheer magnificence of it. There is no way to stop playing the game, and it doesn’t even matter because that option has not even crossed your mind. In short: Pure video game perfection.
And then there’s games like this…
Let’s find the nicest, sugarcoated way to describe the game in one sentence. Okay, I’ve got it: Caveman Games sucks. I will go into detail momentarily, but for the most part, the game is poorly conceived, very unclear, and extremely un-fun. The games themselves are rigid and uncreative, and they are all damn near impossible to do, much less be good at. It pains me to say all of this, but it is my GameCola duty to make sure that you all steer clear of this monstrosity. Whenever you see a copy of Caveman Games, whether it be at your local GameStop, flea marked, or yard sale, destroy it on spot. Do not look directly at it, or you will be turned to stone. Do not touch it or you will be turned into a piece of uncontrollable shit that is no fun to be around, which isn’t unlike the game itself.
In all six of the cave events, your basic goal is to mash the buttons very fast. That’s…basically it. Whether it be getting your shitty dinosaur to run fast or rubbing sticks to make a spark, the main action is constant button mashing. What’s worse is the fact that at some points your button mashing doesn’t work. What to do next, you ask? Sit there with a sore, tired finger and watch your character stand on the screen. I wouldn’t knock it though, as it is often more fun than the planned event.
Audio in the game ranges from none to sucky. There is literally no sound besides a short tune that plays at the start of the game and another at the start of an event. Any other sound is a generic thump used throughout the game. This versatile thump sound can be used to simulate the sound of running, clubbing, dying, blowing on a fire, and your mate’s disapproval during your sucky attempt at a particular event.
Visuals in the game are significantly lacking. Onscreen messages are near impossible to decipher and the overall look of the game seems very muddled and rushed, even for Data East’s standards. In the realm of graphics, only laziness comes to mind. In the event “Mate Tossing,” the poorly presented cavepeople grab their spouse by the hair, spin her, and see just how far they can heave her. Here’s the lazy part: Every caveman has the very same spouse. God forbid they animate just one other female model for the event. Here’s the worst part about it: They don’t even change the sex of the spouse for the female caveperson character. You heard correctly. If you select the female cavedweller, Crudla, she tosses another female, which is her mate. Either Caveman Games is lazy as shit, or they really don’t have a problem with an open lesbianic relationship between two cavegals. Which do you think?
In closing, playing a game like Caveman Games is not only un-fun, it’s downright stupid. Only a shithead would trade precious hours of human life for play time in this sorry excuse for an NES game. If I had the chance to travel back in time and reclaim my lost caveman play time, I would take it in a heartbeat. Don’t even ask me about the replay value, because during your first play you will already be sick of it. Do yourself a favor—take up Ninja Gaiden. It’s really frickin’ fun.