Neal is Awesomer Than You. #1.

Let's not beat around the bush here.  I know that all of you were quite upset about my two month textual hiatus, but it was not without reason.  I have been working on a concept for a brand new colu

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Let’s not beat around the bush here.  I know that all of you were quite upset about my two month textual hiatus, but it was not without reason.  I have been working on a concept for a brand new column these past few months, which you are most likely reading right now.  The concept is simple.  I get on here, month after month, and say whatever I want about whatever I want, so long as it pertains to video games in some sense, seeing how this is a gaming newsletter and all.  Initially, this came as sad news to me, as I was looking forward to discussing just how much of an anal beast this kid Geoff is.  I coulda milked three month’s worth of column on that knob-polisher.  But I digress.  This column should prove to be both fun to write, and hopefully for all you geeks, fun to read as well.  You damn well better enjoy this.  I’m giving up my Dr. Mario time to write this.  Get ready to soak this up, nerds, for I, Neal, am awesomer than you.

The first thing in the gaming realm to enter my mind is the upcoming sequel/remake of by far my favorite game series on the NES — Ninja Gaiden.  The new Ninja Gaiden is set to hit stores by the holiday month of this year.  I’ve seen the screenshots.  More specifically, I’ve seen 177 of them in a row.  Holy scrotum.  I’m not gonna sit her and rave for 20 minutes, but if you have the ‘Box and the means, I’d seriously consider looking into it.  The graphics and textures are flawless.  The array  of weapons and moves are stellar.  Mother fucker, you can walk on the goddamn walls!  No button combos or nothin’, you just run along and then if you go up next to a wall you’ll just start running on it.  Simple as that.  And you can also bet by subtle hints in each review that I’ve read that, in the same style of Pitfall: The Mayan Adventure, the original version of the game will be hidden somewhere along your path.

But there’s some dumb shit.  Check out this screen I found:

ngxbox

What the hell is that?  Hey, doesn’t that ancient demonic relic sort of resemble an Xbox?  Please, Microsoft, don’t be subtle or anything about the fact that NG is going to be exclusive to FuckBox.  My god!  Well, anyway, there always hasta be some flaw with a seemingly flawless game.  I mean, if that’s the only flaw, then yeah, I’ll deal with a bunch of X’s in exchange for hours upon hours of pure ninja bliss.

And my god, another great chunk of news in the gaming realm is my possibly attending the Mid Atlantic Gaming festival on the Halloween weekend, all day Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.  Tournaments, free arcade and console, free movies, a costume contest (which I’m working on for you all, and if I get to go to this great event, I’ll be sure to cover it in detail in next month’s “Awesomer”), and last but certainly not least, a gaming concert with the ultimate foursome, the Minibosses.  If I can get my bones down to Virginia for this event of event will not only partake in all of the aforementioned events, but I, kids, have an exclusive invite to the Minibosses’ private party, stocked with pornography, beer, and all the Kentucky Fried Chicken I can eat.  And the freakin’ ‘Bosses will be there!  Shit!  I mean who knows?  Maybe I’ll get to hook up with Fred!

And yeah, there’s summore shit coming out, alotta shit actually, and I don’t really have all the knowledge on it to present it to you in this fashion.  Ask Paul or something.  There’s gonna be a new Ninja Turtles game coming out soon, a couple of Metal Gears, maybe a Lord of the Rings game and stuff; who knows.  Go to IGN.  Why in god’s name would you get your gaming information from GameCola?  What?  Oh, I mean, don’t go to IGN.  Stay here.  GameCola is pretty rad and stuff.  Okay.  Well, until next month, this was Neal, and I am awesomer than you.

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About the Contributor


From 2002 to 2004

Neal Iannone is a former staff member from GameCola's early days as a monthly email newsletter.

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