I don’t think I would be much of a gaming purist if I wasn’t to address this first and foremost on my “to bitch about” list. To anyone who had the terrible luck of viewing Spike TV’s First Annual Video Game Awards, my heart goes out to you. Never in my whole life had I seen such an ill-conceived idea with an as poor delivery and presentation. I would really like to know whom, if anybody, that show was geared towards. Surely if I wanted to see a big black DJ spewing out incessant indecipherable garbage while watching testosteroned up combatants battling to the tune of some crappy “cool” band that won’t be around next month, I’ll go see that shitty movie Torque. Conversely, if I wanted to see an award show that actually cared about the gaming aspect of gaming, which already is such a ridiculous thing to ask of a GAMING award show, then I wouldn’t watch whatever the hell that trumped up travesty was supposed to be. In short, there was no merit to the awards whatsoever; and furthermore, I have never seen a format that tried harder than anything to get the video gaming out of the way as soon as possible to get to the more eye-seducing activities lined up for our viewing pleasure.
Whoever thought up this pile of bull dicks ought to be castrated and tied in front of his TV with the VGAs on a continuous loop. It’s a bit cruel, but it’s the only way he’d learn. As soon as I saw David Spade come up on a stage after sweeping over an audience shot composed of cheerleaders, a wrestling mat, and a half-pipe, I knew my night was gonna end with a serious ulcer. Undaunted, I decided to watch the entire thing, even though my shitometer was off the charts. One after another, an award category was named, and instead of listing nominees, they would simply state the winner and proceed directly to a “musical” performance or some terribly un-funny and insulting filler material — basically anything to take your mind off of video games. Not listing the nominees was a bold move in my opinion. I theorized that they either had no idea of any other games to list in the category, or they were just bolting through the segment to move the show along its terribly conceived course. Celebrity after unrelated celebrity were being paraded onto the stage to read their clearly unrehearsed teleprompt, and then were quickly ushered off. Jenna Jameson was the champion in this category for me personally, because frankly, if you stand out as the worst reader amongst an ocean of teleprompter stammerers, you deserve a medal and a good smack in the mouth.
After a night of skateboarding, wrestling, and Andrew W. K. in a wheelchair, I had forgotten I was watching a gaming award show until the credits. I was reminded what I had just been through and decided to scream out my tenth story window for twenty minutes. I had been thoroughly insulted in the name of all that is holy in gaming. Madden 2004 was the game of the year. Enter the Matrix was the best game based on a movie. Def Jam Vendetta had the best music in a game. Spike TV, man’s answer to Lifetime, had kicked me square in the balls. Where was I to go from this fallen state? I would never look at television or gaming the same way again, and that’s a tough thing because they are two major factors in my life. If nothing else, I think I can say I’m a little older and a little wiser for having seen it. I survived the VGAs, and that’s really what’s important.
In other news, the Xbox adaptation to the orgasmic Ninja Gaiden saga has been pushed to February. I mean really, FEBRUARY. Honest to god fellahs, let’s get this show on the road here. Nah, wait, I take it back. There’s no sense in rushing perfection, and from what I’ve read and watched, this game won’t be too far from just that. I don’t know who’s keeping up with the game, but if you haven’t checked recently, IGN’s got some really spiffy movie clips that are surely worth a gander. Why dontcha go check it out? I’ll wait here. Be sure to tune into next month’s Awesomer, featuring Quakerhead: Slit Wrists and Bathtub Blitz. Until then, this is Neal, and I am awesomer than you.