Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ve been gone. I’m not gonna give you a buncha excuses about why I’ve been slacking on the GameCola sector so let’s move on with our lives. I’ve got bigger things to worry about than explaining to you guys why I haven’t been in the past few issues. A more prominent obstacle for me is deciding what to write for this month’s Awesomer. You see, NIATY is about me and video games, and well, I haven’t done much of that in the past three months, so it might prove to be somewhat difficult.
But don’t fret. Recently I have indeed been playing an old favorite on my trusty Nintendo Entertainment System. The game: Double Dragon. It’s a classic. I don’t even hafta tell you how cool it is, because I’m sure you’ve already played it. The moves are cool, the music’s tight, and the hours — simply action packed. Getting to the last level is a pleasure, but once there, you’ve got some serious problems. Oh, and by problems, I mean complete and utter bullshit. This is where an extremely excellent game takes a turn for the worst.
For those who have played, or perhaps those who frequent the Minibosses message board, you probably already know what I’m talking about. That’s right, kids. Those fucking blocks that slide out of the wall at the beginning of Mission 4. What the hell is that shit about? There’s no pattern. There’s not even a trick. They just slide out any old way and bust the shit out of you. There’s nothing you can do about it. You can be the best Double Dragon player in the whole world, have all your lives, have full health, and you’re still gonna getcher ass busted up.
What kinda thing is that to do to the player? Instead of giving them a challenge at that crucial part in the game, something they could work through using their superior skills, let’s just unfairly take some life down so they’re just that much more fucked by the time they hafta fight the red Chins with the knives. That’s not good gameplay. That’s just assy. I wanna meet the guy who decided to install that part of the level. I wanna ask him if he hates children. I wanna know if he’s ever played the game and saw what a fucking travesty those two minutes can be. Heartless bastard…
Unbefuckinglievable. There’s nothing I can do but cool off, go downstairs, and just give it another go. I’ll do wonderfully ’til then and naturally get killed, get pissed, turn it off, just to take a break and start the cycle again anew. Thus has been the way it has been for the past few days. If you or anyone you know can help me with my predicament, drop me a line. Actually, drop Paul a line and then he can tell me. I still don’t think my GameCola mail is working, or perhaps I just haven’t activated it. In either case, you’d be really doing me a huge favor.
I hope you enjoyed me being in an issue of GameCola for a change, and who knows, maybe I’ll write another next month. Until then, this has been Neal, and unless you help me with Double Dragon, I am awesomer than you.