Today was a sunny day. For the first time in a while, there was no rain or puddles. This is good, because I don’t like to walk through water. But whenever life leaves you alone, you can count on Japanese people to come along and rain on your parade instead. Literally. Well, kinda literally. The rain is real enough, but I guess I don’t constitute a parade. Even though I seem to get as much attention as one…
If you saw people dumping perfectly good drinking water out onto the sidewalk, you’d either kill them for the sake of humanity or at least call a social worker, wouldn’t you? Well what if you saw this every day, and had to get your fucking shoes wet or jump around like a homosexual rabbit to avoid it, or even get sprayed because some jackass didn’t see you coming? What if insanity was the norm? What if… you lived in Japan?
Why do Japanese fucktards do this? My very short and biased research yielded the following three possibilities.
1: To keep the “dust” from settling.
What does this even mean? It’s outside—dust is gonna settle one way or the other. If the dust settles dry, at least it won’t stick to your shoes in FUCKING MUD FORM, FORCING YOU TO GET SHIT MUDDY WHEREVER YOU WALK FROM THAT POINT ON!
2: To keep the “air” from getting “hot.”
What the fuck? I’m not exactly a scientist, but come on… Damp concrete isn’t gonna have much bearing on the current air temperature, especially considering how much air there is in the world and how little concrete there is on the small fucking patch of earth outside your filthy, rat-infested, mom-and-pop, standing-room only shot-bar that probably only has any customers at all because you whore out your undocumented half-Korean daughter behind the bar you worthless, bent-over old hag! Stop spraying me!!!
3: They’re fucktards.
I didn’t have much to say this month, so fuck you. Actually, rather than fuck you, I chose to supplement my uchi-mizu rant with a mini-review of State of Emergency. Enjoy.
Apparently, when the government is replaced by a large corporation cleverly named “The Corporation” (which seems to be providing for most of the whiny populace’s needs), the people will all start dressing like each other and running around the mall like hyperactive retards, at superhuman speeds, and with crappy collision detection while stealing an endless supply of cash registers, VCR’s and giant, presumably novelty, oil drums.
Better kill yourself now, because this is one future you don’t want to live to see. There are two types of missions dressed up by a bunch of superficial, superfluous text: “kill cops,” and “kill cops while making sure some fellow freedom fighter who ironically cowers instead of fighting doesn’t die.” Don’t let “Get the executive’s itinerary!” fool you. It just means, “Kill some low-poly blob you can’t see in the crowd anyway but for the huge arrow over its head, then read some text about something unrelated and get ready to do it again.”
One thing I find particularly interesting is the blatant lie on the back of the box (which is also covered with mis-leading, rendered “screenshots”):
EACH CITIZEN REACTS DIFFERENTLY TO EVENTS
Anybody who’s played or even seen this game will know what I mean when I say… You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me! This is indicative of how highly the publisher must have thought of its target audience (which, fair enough, is casual gamer fucktards who should be purged from the world anyway).
State of Emergency would be bad enough as a minigame or some college student’s project, but from Rockstar? Rockstar is supposed to bring us painfully mediocre games like the GTA’s, not pure SHIT like this! Wait, this game is worse than shit. It’s shit shit. If shit came to life and took a shit, it would be this shit game.
Shit.
Did you think I forgot? I didn’t. Wacky Japlish is alive and kicking. The picture’s not so high quality, but let me assure you that it really does say “with spread beaver appear!!” I think most of the fans will actually be there for the warm-up act.
