What the Crap?: Go-Karting

We need a realistic go-karting game.  Sure, Mario Kart kicks ass, but it ain't true to life.  I went to do some go-karting last weekend, and the times...they were good!  But I assure you, I can't g

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We need a realistic go-karting game.  Sure, Mario Kart kicks ass, but it ain’t true to life.  I went to do some go-karting last weekend, and the times…they were good!  But I assure you, I can’t get banana peels and turtle shells while I’m driving, and there isn’t a Lakitu floating around with a race traffic light.  What the crap is up with that?

What we need is a true to life go-karting experience on a videogame console.  Either that, or the world of go-karting needs to reflect Mario Kart 64.  Even the “apes can drive karts” aspect.  When I was karting it up, I definitely smashed in to as many small children as I could.  You know how when you’re driving with your buddies and an old lady is crossing the street and your bud goes, “old lady, 500 points!”?  Well, this needs to be incorporated in to as many games as possible.  “Small child driving slowly on a turn, 600 points!”

My other gripe this month is on GTA games on the PSP, and the PSP in general.  In case you are out of the loop, the PSP is a portable, but shittier, version of the PS2.  It has no good games worth a damn and has no use now that the new firmware is available.  You can no longer drop your favorite tunes or videos on the thing.  There really aren’t any good games.  But what’s that you say?  GTA [City Name] Stories is fun!?  I admit that I haven’t picked it up, but I assure you, it sucks balls.  Who wants to play a port of a down-port?  Here’s the dialogue that went on over at Rockstar games and that PS3 guy, Kaz Hirai, who went crazy at E3.

Rockstar : Hey Sony, we would like to put GTA3 series games on the PSP.  It was such a hit the first time that we want to port it over for the PSP users.  Clearly, PSP owners never owned a PS2 and would like to experience GTA for the first time!

Kaz : Indeed! No one who owns a PSP has ever even played the PS2. Let’s get started right away.  But oh wait, the UMD doesn’t have enough storage space and the PSP doesn’t have enough processing power to handle.

Rockstar : OK, let’s just severely downgrade the graphics and gameplay, create a new main character and call it Liberty City Stories.  But let’s make it real limited.  Then, in several months, we can make Vice City Stories, and then maybe San Andrea Stories!

Kaz : OK, good, but we need more games from you guys on the PS2 to make up the shitfest that will be the PS3.

Rockstar : No problem.  We’ll just port the “Stories” games back over to the PS2!  They’ll think it’s a completely different game.  They don’t care that the graphics and gameplay will be inferior.  It’s GTA!

Kaz : A reverse port of a down-port!  Brilliant.

WTC is up with these people? WTC is up with YOU people who bought the damn thing?  See diagram below if you don’t follow.

gta_psp

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About the Contributor


From 2006 to 2017

Mark Freedman is a hard hitting reporter on just what the crap is going on in the world of video games.He also writes reviews and manages the staff Q&A column. Occasionally, he has been known to take a shower. zzzz

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