Choose your own adventure in this RPG-esque adventure that lets you—the reader—vote on its outcome.Jump right in!; you don’t need to have read the previous chapters to understand what’s going on this month.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
RIVERBUTION
Rivers Duo: I don’t care if you are the narrator, I make the rules now.
Narrator: Rivers turned into a medium-sized toothless lizard wolverine with no claws and a pink tail.
Evil Children: l0l0l0l0l0l roffles
Barin: Triumph! Once again I, Barin, am the main character.
Barin: Onward, Narrator! Onward, Evil Children! Let us progress my story.
Evil Children: n4h. l8r h8r!
Narrator: The Evil Children went back to their homes to auto-PK innocents using BoBaFeTT’s trainer, leaving Barin alone on the outskirts of the village in the sky.
Barin: Those bastards.
Barin: Now what?
Barin: I’ve….
Barin: Oh my God….
Barin: The whole story’s mine, now.
Barin: All of it. Mine!
Narrator: Barin danced a little ji….
Barin: Silence, you wretch! You’ve had the spotlight for months! It’s my turn…you just trot your little self the hell out of my victory.
Narrator: Dick.
Barin: After I’ve waited for so long, life’s finally righted itself!
Barin: My arch-nemesis, Render, is dead at the hands of General Genericus. Enrique fell into a bottomless pit. Rivers is a lizard. There is nothing, and NO ONE, to get in my way now.
Barin: But, it’s no use.
Barin: Things never work out well for me.
Barin: This life…it just takes and takes and takes until a man can’t stand it no more.
Barin: It’s about time I start taking back.
Barin: I’m out to get my revenge on the world.
Barin: But first, I’ll need a party.
Narrator: Barin the drama queen entered the town’s pub, because, as you know, the first place to check for any respectable party would be the local lot of drunkards.
Barin: Silence! I know what I’m doing! I’m Barin, you knave.
Narrator: Barin strode up to the counter and hopped up on it.
Barin: DOES ANYONE HERE WANT TO FORM A PARTY WITH ME AND HELP ME GET MY REVENGE ON A WORLD THAT’S BEEN REALLY REALLY UNFAIR TO ME????
A drunk halfling: Stop talking in capslock, would you, and I’ll consider it.
Barin: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO TELL ME HOW TO TALK, YOU BASTARD??? I’M BARIN. I DON’T NEED YOU.
A drunk halfling: Ugh.
Barin: WHO HERE IS BRAVE ENOUGH, TOUGH ENOUGH AND SMART ENOUGH TO JOIN MY CREW????
A small halfling too young to be drunk: Me! Oooover here!
Barin: AHA! A real man among men!
A small halfling too young to be drunk: That’s right! That’s what I am!! A real man!!!
Barin: Welcome to The Barin Gang! Step up, lad, and tell me your name.
Streebmore: Hiiii! I’m Streebmore! Nice to meet ya! I wanna join your gang, Barin!! I wanna be in The Barin Gang!!!!
Barin: Marvelous! THAT’S ONE WORTHY SOUL. WHO’S NEXT TO JOIN ME AND MY PARTY, AND TEACH THIS UNFAIR WORLD A LESSON????!!!
Narrator: An even smaller and younger halfling raced up to Streebmore and tugged on the hem of his shirt.
An even smaller and younger halfling who is definitely too young to be drunk: Don’t forget me, master! I wanna join The Barin Gang, too! I wanna join!!! Let me join, master please???
Streebmore: Of course!! How could I forget you, my young apprentice?? I’m sure Barin won’t mind, right?? Right Barin?? Streebless can join too, can’t he??
Barin: Well, I guess, sure.
Barin: WHO ELSE?? WHO ELSE WANTS TO BE A PART OF THE ALMIGHTY BARIN GANG AND SEEK OUT MY PERSONAL REVENGE???
Large Stone Wall: *ggggguuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggglllllllllleeeeeeeeeeessssssss*
Barin: What was that, you pissant???
Streebless: I thing he gurgled, sir!!!
Streebmore: That’s right! You’re learning, young Streebless! Good job, you! You learn that gurgle!
Large Stone Wall: *hhiiiiiiiiiiiiccccccccuuuuuuuuuuuuuupppppps* Iiiiiiiii ffffiiiiiiiiinnnkk Iiiiiiii couuuuuuuuullllld beeeee oooobbbbb serrrrrrbbbbuuuuuuuuuus tooooooooo youuuuuuuu Barrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnnn.
Barin: You’ll need to speak faster and more coherently than that if you wanna be in The Barin Gang.
Streebmore: Yeah, you tell him Barin! You tell him but good!!
Large Stone Wall: *voooooooooommmits*
Streebless: I think he just vomited, Barin!!!
Streebmore: When did you get so smart, my pupil??? You must’ve had a great teacher, eh, eh??
Narrator: Streebmore gave Streebless an exaggerated wink.
Streebless: Oh, you stop it!
Barin: Very well, very well. You are in. ANY MORE TAKERS, OR IS IT TIME US TO MOVE ON AND GIVE THIS WORLD WHAT IT DESERVES????
Narrator: Don’t you wanna know how Large Stone Wall got here?
Streebless: I think we’re ready now, Barin! Let’s do it! Let’s get you some revenge! C’mon, we can do it! Yeah! Let’s do it!
Narrator: Streebless pulled a tiny whistle out of his back pocket and waved it around furiously.
Streebmore: You be careful with that!! You know what it can do!
Streebless: Sorry, my master!! I won’t let ithappen again, I promise!
Large Stone Wall: Iiiiiiiiiiiiit iiiiiiiiis aaaaaa saaaaaaaaaaaaaad saaaaaaaaaaad taaaaaaaalee. Iiiiiiiiii waaaaaaaaass wiiiiiiiiiith Ssssssttraaaaaaaannnnnnngeeeeee Crrrrrreeeeeaaaaaatuuuuuuuureee aaaaaaannnddd…
Barin: You’re right Streebless; let us be off. Let us take on this worthless universe that dealt me such a great hand, only to smack it away on a worthless whim.
Streebmore: Yeah! Let’s smack it right back! Let’s do it!!! Let’s smack the whole wide universe!!
Streebless: Yeah!! We can do it! Let’s tar and feather it, YEAH!
Narrator: The Barin Gang strode out of the bar. Or at least, it tried to, but Large Stone Wall collapsed on its way out. Streebless was quick to try to help the thing back to its feet, but Barin put a stop to that with a flash of his sword, which nicked the younger hafling in the back of the neck.
Barin: Alas, there is no time for him. Three is plenty for a gang, anyway. Let us move onward.
Streebless: OK! Where’s onward?? Where do we go from here!?? Tell me, Barin! Tell meee!!
Streebmore: Yeah, tell us! Tell me and my apprentice!! Where are we going?? We wanna know right now Barin! Right right now!!
Barin: Well…
Which Gate Do You Choose?
Dam that Rivers!
Barin: WE SHALL LOCATE AND DESTROY RIVERS!! He’s the only one of the three still definitely alive. Only when that bastard is gone will we truly be able to proceed without impediment.
Narrator: Conveniently, Rivers was scampering underfoot at the moment.
Y HELO THAR
Barin: We shall seek out those worthless Evil Children; we’ll need their stupidity and rottenness to advance my plot.
Streebmore: Oh, I don’t know Barin…I don’t like those guys…I don’t like those guys at all.
Genericus’ Last Stand
Barin: Genericus. We need to take out Genericus. It’s because of him that I’m in this…this…state….
Streebmore: I thought you looked a little weird, Barin!
Streebless: I heard General Genericus was dead, Barin!!
Large Plastered Wall
Streebmore: I really think we should go help Large Stone Wall! I really think he could help us out!!!
Streebless: Yeah! Large Stone Wall! He’s cool! He’s been at the bar for weeks!!
Barin: Oh, very well.
Nicked-Neck-Paddy-Wack
Barin: We’re off to Sloef….
Streebless: Ow! It hurts! Oh, the pain Barin; the pain!
Streebmore: Oh my gosh Streebless, you’re bleeding a whole lot out of that wound on your neck!!!!
Toot toot!
Barin: Wait a second, Streebless; what was that I saw you waving around in the bar?
Narrator: Streebless pulled the tiny whistle out of his pocket.
Streebless: Is this what you mean, Barin??!
