Is there anyone who was around in the early nineties that hasn’t seen or heard of this movie? I mean, really, this thing was plastered just about everywhere you could’ve wanted, or not wanted, to see it. One of the forms that you could see it in was for the NES. Even better, you could interact with it! Oh, happy day when you opened up the game at Christmas and saw Kevin McAllister slapping himself on his cheeks with that dramatic wide-eyed expression of pain from using aftershave. God forbid they use anything but that shot of him for anything.
Get used to it, at least with the Kevin McAllister you control, because you’ll be seeing that picture every time the bad guys get you. The premise of the game is that Harry and Marv are breaking into your house to get you. You lay traps and keep them at bay for twenty minutes before the police arrive.
Holler “rape!” if you like, Kevin. It won’t do you any good. Or you can just slap your own face and go “AHHHH!” Either won’t work.
And here begins the first problem. Twenty real minutes of keeping two burglars at bay. Of course, this doesn’t sound bad at all. Games nowadays take hours upon hours to beat. This, however, you’ll be as bald as your grandpa after about three minutes, if you even live to make it that far in the game. My record is about a bit over four and a half minutes, so far.
Kevin looks to be about as good as you can get for the NES. He’s a kid. He’s short. He’s committing shenanigans with the burglars, Harry and Marv. Harry and Marv, aside from Harry being short and Marv being tall, look absolutely nothing like their movie counterparts. No, folks, no one even tried to make them look at all correct. It’s like the equivalent of a Bumfights stunt, though instead they pay the two bums portraying Harry and Marv by letting them have their way with Kevin when they get a hold of him
Oh, wait, jeez, did I say “when”? Yes, that’s right, I did. Unless you can find some really killer trick that I haven’t, you’re not going to last. “Harry” and “Marv” are faster than Olympic runners, while Kevin is godawfully slow. You’d think some hyperactive kid would be able to outrun two bums with complete ease. No, that’s not the case here. Kevin performs the equivalent of voluntarily dropping the soap and bending over in a rough and nasty prison.
And here comes the guy in the green! That’s not Marv, that’s a pedophile! He likes to knock on the back door.
Lucky for you, there are traps! You pick them up and drop them off wherever you want to stick them. However, even the traps suck. In the movie, you had awesome things like face-ironing, hand-branding, and, eventually, shovel beating. That’s not the case here. Instead, you just put little boxes of random things on the ground. When the stinky bums come to accost you for spare change, they look at you and just fall down. No, the fall isn’t even creative. They momentarily look at you and then fall backwards as if they were doing a crappy gymnast bend that failed. Little birdies tweet over them (and I wish they’d shit on their heads—then there’d actually be some element of humor in this.) Not only do they not do a lot in terms of “trap,” they’re also just squares with a things in them. So enjoy as you watch Harry and Marv trip over toy cars, a spider, a doll, your dad’s porno stash, your mom, etc.
There’s also a map feature that comes up when you press Start. It shows where you and the traps are, but it’s lacking one vital feature: Where the hell are Harry and Marv? That’s right, the game doesn’t even try to help you out by telling you where Harry or Marv are.
And that’s basically the whole game. For twenty minutes. That is, if you make it that long. More than likely, Harry or Marv will banzai-bumble right into you, making no attempt to grab you, and Kevin will slap his face like he’s got flies on it and go into that stupid little pose that’s the family-oriented fun part of the movie that would be the surefire winner on America’s Funniest Home Videos (over something that’s actually funny, but that’s another rant for another day.)
So here’s what you can do: You can lose, you can turn the game off, or you can hang yourself with the nearest string-like object over how bad this game is. I’d recommend the second option. Better yet, don’t bother playing it at all. Don’t get sucked into this menacing world of wayward, crack-addicted, waddling bums and Kevin, the poster boy for “Slow Children Playing” signs all across the nation.
OH NO! You’ll be seeing this quite a lot. It’s almost as funny as Bokosuka Wars’ game over screen. Almost.
And now for the stat breakdown!
Fun: 1
This game is about as fun as being hit by a wrecking ball. Wait, I take that back. The wrecking ball is a hell of a lot more fun. Especially if it hits you square in the genitals.
Novelty: 4
You get to play as Kevin and run around making a mess for a couple of crack-induced numbskulls. Who hasn’t wanted to do that? Unfortunately, the way they go about it is total suckitude.
Audio: 3
Loud and obnoxious tones for the music and ding-a-long sounds you’ll hear for the next however many seconds or minutes you decide to be a masochist will make you want to turn the thing off quicker.
Kevin isn’t even safe in his tree house, as our resident tall, green bum will prove in mere moments.
Visuals: 3
Nobody tried, I swear. Except for the TV trap. Yes, you can pick up the TV and carefully set it on the ground for them to trip over. I’m amused by the static-y anchorman that silently stares at me wondering why the fuck he’s appearing here. Otherwise, everything is bland, bright and annoying.
Controls: 2
Aside from Kevin being a slow little shit, climbing up and down things is a different matter. You have to be precisely at the right place in order to climb just about anything, which means our two resident burglars, “Harry” and “Marv,” can come in and have some staircase sodomy with you. Repeatedly.
Replay Value: 1
You won’t want to play this again. Trust me.
