As the Elements Shift to Zero

I can't believe I actually thought about this.

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Hey, guess what came out recently? That’s right! MASS EFFECT 2! That means lots and lots of people typing MASS EFFECT 2 into Google search, and anyone that mentions MASS EFFECT 2 will get a boost in their traffic ratings!

You’re welcome.

Yes, I’ve recently become obsessed with Bioware’s latest Shooter-That-Sort-Of-Plays-Like-An-RPG thing, and so far I am having a good time with it. The option to bring over your first character is definitely a nice bonus, and I find that the combat is a huge step forward from the previous game’s sticky, half-assed tactical combat. There are a few problems I do have with the game, such as how it plays more like Gears of War with dialogue trees, but I don’t want to talk about the game itself; I want to talk about a theory I have concerning the human race.

“If it exists, humanity has, or will, try to bone it at some point.”

Let me give you the setup: In most Bioware games, you have the option of seducing one or more of your party members into doing the mattress mombo with your little Jedi Knight. In Mass Effect, male characters could choose between the hardened god-fearing soldier, Ashley, and the naïve nerdy blue alien, L’iara. Suprisingly enough, most of the people I knew wanted to get it on with L’iara, and didn’t even give Ashley the time of day. I can totally understand this, because Ashley came off as a racist bitch to me and was willing to screw over our team members because “they weren’t human,” but what’s interesting to me is what people were campaigning for to be in Mass Effect 2.

They wanted to have more romance options. Specifically with more of the aliens.

Which shouldn’t be possible.

Posted for referance. Don't get any ideas.

It’s hilarious to me because you know that the developers at Bioware took a look at most of the forum comments and were freaked the hell out. “Wait a minute, you want to have sex with WHO?! The freaking Turian? It looks like the love child between an Elite from Halo and a grasshopper! What is wrong with you people? And you want to screw Tali, the creature with an immune system so weak that she could get cancer by opening up her visor to eat a cheeseburger?! Don’t you guys care about the gameplay? Oh Jesus, how are we going to make this work?”

It’s not that I’m racist or anything—hell, I was the one whom tried to get a threesome going between Ashley and L’iara in the first game—but it just bewilders me how persistent some of you buggers are. Inter-species relationships are next too impossible on Earth; how do you think we’d fare with aliens? How do you know that Turians have the parts we need to have sex? What makes you so sure sex is pleasurable to them? Hell, the only race of animals that has sex for pleasure other than us is dolphins, and you don’t see women lining up at Sea World for that reason. At least I hope not. That’s not even mentioning Tali, who I’m pretty sure would melt if you so much as took off her helmet.

This isn’t just for Mass Effect; this is for almost every other sci-fi universe. How many aliens has James Kirk let his little captain boldly go where no man has gone before? I specifically remember this green alien from the original series—whats the deal with that? How does he know that she can have sex the same way? What if there’s nothing down there? What if she exchanges DNA by holding hands? What if she has a bunch of spikes down there as a defense mechanism against sexual predators and Otaku?

With most discussions of Mass Effect 2, that was the first and last thing anyone talked about. There wasn’t any mention of the gameplay; there wasn’t any real speculation on the story; the common cry was, “Will I finally be able to tap that synthetic ass?”

Is this really how we are as a race? Are we so sexually frustrated that we can’t think of anything better to do with an alien species but try to screw it? Why must we turn this game into an episode of The Bachelor? IN SPACE! I’m not saying that there shouldn’t EVER be any sort of relationship, but I’d like to think we as a species will worry about more things than the potential to get our rocks off when we are conquered by our hot blue alien overlords.

And if you must know, yes I’ve got my sights set on Tali, you sick buggers.



(The author would like to note that the game is pretty awesome and you should buy it.)

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About the Contributor

From 2009 to 2012


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