Paul: Hello again everybody, and welcome once again to Digital Championship Wrestling! I’m Paul Franzen and with me tonight is “Captain” Eric Regan, and for the first time in DCW history we’ve actually got a sponsor! Isn’t that right, Eric?
Eric: Oh HELL yes it is right Paul!
Eric: Of course, they don’t actually make the product anymore…
Eric: But it’s a start!
Paul: Darn tootin’! Tonight’s main event is brought to you by Crystal Pepsi, the “clear” alternative to normal colas.
Paul: And it’s rather apropos that Crystal Pepsi would be presenting tonight’s matchup, isn’t it Eric?
Eric: It sure is Paul! Because tonight is a night filled with ill-conceived concepts, just like our main event’s two digital anti-heroes.
Paul: Yes folks! We’ve got Shadow the Hedgehog taking on Wario in… well… a regular matchup, but for us that’s pretty out of the ordinary, I’d say!
Eric: WHAT?! There aren’t any metal pails on a pole?? No dirty mops for them to pummel each other with?!
Paul: Nope! Not a single solitary light bulb for our combatants to smash on each others heads! It’s standard, it’s regular, it’s catch-as-catch-can—it’s whatever you wanna call it, and it’s only here, on Digital Championship Wrestling! Let’s get this match underway!
Eric: There is the bell! Our two combatants have that killer look in their eyes; this will be on helluva match up!
Paul: Collar-and-elbow tie-up to start things up, with Wario getting the clear strength advantage. Shadow is quickly brought to his knees, and then kneed in the face by Wario.
Eric: Ouch! THE FACE Paul, THE FACE! Yet, Shadow seems unfazed! The hedgehog seems to have a tight grip on one of the uh… fat guy in yellow’s hands.
Paul: I don’t think that’s really gonna matter, Eric! Shadow’s gotta stop holding Wario’s hand and start dishing out some damage. Though, I guess Shadow’s always been one to latch on to other people, and try to gain fame just by being associated with them.
Eric: Oooh Burn. Not a fan of the quick buck, are we Mr. Franzen?
Paul: Not as such, no. Shadow slides between Wario’s legs, still holding onto the Mario clone’s hand. Jumping up behind the pseudo plumber Shadows applies one of the deadliest holds known to wrestling: The sleeperhold.
Eric: WHAAT?! NO WAY!! I thought they banned that devious and deadly maneuver! IM SHOCKED…. Who the hell would want to be a pseudo plumber anyways, that’s… one sorry, sorry existence.
Paul: Blame Nintendo! They’re the one’s who thought that making a bizarro-world edition of Mario was an absolutely brilliant move. Wario’s drifting, drifting away… could this match be over already??
Eric: I’m not so sure. That Wario has a lotta girth; Shadow might not be able to squeeze all of that life out of him.
Paul: I’m not so sure, Eric…. Wario’s eyes are slowly shutting, and yes, they’re closed! Referee Pete Gas picks up Wario’s arm and lets it go, and it drops right away! Two more drops and this match is over!
Eric: NEVER! I have faith in our unhealthy, unkempt warrior! He WILL survive.
Paul: Gas raises the arm again, and it drops yet again! One more time Eric, just one more time! One more time is all we need and we’ve got the quickest victory in DCW history!
Eric: Get up you damned yellow balloon!! It can’t end like THIS! You’re embarrassing the entire Nintendo name! EVERY SINGLE LETTER OF IT.
Paul: Pete Gas raises Wario’s arm that one final time, holding it in the air for what seems like an eternity. Then, he lets it go.
Eric: Will he… WILL HE DROP!? The anticipation is unbearable!
Paul: Seconds pass. Minutes pass, or at least they seem to. Hours pass. Week after week after month after year and pretty soon, a few lifetimes have come and past. Generations and generations later, in a world populated with androids riding hover cars, in a world only seconds away from the apocalypse, we see what happens….
Eric: Stop your day dreaming Paul! WARIO’S HAND IS UP! The match is still on.
Paul: Oh, right.
Paul: Wario stands right up, Shadow clinging to his back, holding on for dear life. Wario falls backwards and slams his foe hard on the mat. He’d better be careful! We just patched up a major hole there!
Eric: Ooh you can just see the ring buckling under the pressure…. But it stays! Looks like somebody finally opened the wallet a bit.
Paul: Wario springs up and barrels on over to the turnbuckle. He hops up, stumbling a little on the way up but he finally makes it to the top. He dives off the top rope, headed straight for Shadow!
Paul: And he misses, crashing down hard on the canvas.
Eric: Punches to the faces, falls, SLEEPER HOLDS! Just what kind of clash of epic proportions IS this?!
Paul: It’s the kind you’d expect from such utterly lame characters! This time Shadow’s the one who gets up, and he now climbs up the turnbuckle. Somehow, that doesn’t seem like a great idea.
Eric: Oh man… I hope I don’t have to witness a Stinger Splash tonight. I just dont know if I could handle that.
Paul: Shadow goes for one of those high risk maneuvers, and it actually pays off! A Shawn Michaels-esque flying elbow straight to the chest of Wario.
Eric: I’m sure he will feel that one sometime in the coming weeks!
Paul: Shadow springs right back up, and brings Wario to his feet. Slingshots the pseudo plumber into the turnbuckle…. I wonder what he’s setting him up for!
Eric: …no.
Paul: Shadow runs to the other side of the ring and then runs back, and BY GOD, he’s just absolutely NAILED Wario with a Stinger Splash!
Eric: Perfect. Just perfect.
Eric: Now, there is only one more move that could possibly top that… and… oh no… God no… Shadow isn’t going for THAT move, is he?
Paul: Shadows moves back a bit, and Wario is dazed! He stumbles forward, and you might just be about to get your wish, Eric.
Eric: NO!! It can’t be! Get back to your senses Shadow! YOU DONT HAVE TO BE THAT LAME.
Paul: Running bulldog brings Wario face-forward to the mat, and now I am quite certain we’re about to see it!
Eric: I knew there was a reason we didn’t do these “normal” matches you’re so fond of.
Paul: W! O! R! M! Wooo woo woo woo!!!
Paul: Shadow does a little dance and hits Wario with a falling chop.
Eric: NOOO!!
Eric: WHAT THE HELL! I sure hope we dont have to pay Scotty 2 Hotty any royalties for that travesty.
Paul: Satisfied with himself, Shadow goes for the pin.
Paul: One! No wait, he didn’t even get a one count. My bad.
Eric: A PUNCH TO THE FACE, and Wario seems alive again! Oh joy.
Paul: Awesome! I was afraid this stellar matchup was almost over!
Paul: Another punch, and another… and another… and another… and another…
Eric: BY GOLLY! I think I just saw a kick!
Paul: Darn right you did! Shadow is down, and now Wario’s going for the pin! One… one… one… dammit Gas, where are you?? Did someone poke him and knock him out??
Eric: I think he is off enjoying some samples from our sponsor.
Paul: Pepsi Clear! The “clear” choice for a new generation.
Paul: But no Eric, I don’t think that’s it! Wario still has Shadow pinned… I think we’re up to about a 75th count now… and referee Pete Gas seems to have fallen asleep from the God-awful boringness of Wario’s offense!
Paul: But hey, I think Wario tends to have that affect on people, whether he’s in the squared circle or on your TV.
Eric: We can only hope these two digital failures soon go the way as that cola.
Eric: Finnally THE GAS MAN is up!
Paul: And he’s counting the pinfall! One… two… AND SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG IS UP!! By GOD, how did he do it??
Eric: He must have channeled that little bit of lameness that resides in all of us…. How lucky we are.
Paul: Collar-and-elbow tie-up, and it seems as though we’re starting this match from square one!
Paul: But wait… Pete Gas is calling for the bell… what is the meaning of this??
Paul: Ring announcer Charlie Haas is speechless! He has no idea who to announce as the winner!
Eric: Not the crowd, that’s for sure!
Paul: Pete Gas waddles out of the ring and whispers something into Haas’ ear…
Paul: “The winner of this match, as a result of generally not being very interesting in the ring, or in life in general, is no one! The referee has ruled this match a double disqualification.”
Eric: Wow, we cant even do normal matches correctly.
Eric: VIVO DCW!
Paul: Well… uh… I guess that’s it then! Darn, we were so close to just having a clean victory, too.
Eric: Just another 6… 7… 8 hours, tops.
Paul: Next week on DCW: 8-hour Iron Man rematch between Shadow the Hedgehog and Wario! You won’t want to miss it!
Eric: Uuh yeah, I feel a cold coming on that day; I might have to call out sick.
Paul: Good night everyone, and we’ll see you next month in the Janish for the Dino Riki Invitational Battle Royal!
Eric: Oh yeaah! GOOD TIMES ABOUNDS.
Paul: Dammit man, say goodnight!
Eric: Why? They are all already asleep .
