On the date of August 24th, 2005, I was caught with my pants down in front of a cop car that had been set on fire, while holding a book of matches in one hand and a tank of gasoline in the other. As part of my community service, I’ve been ordered to bestow my vast knowledge upon the gaming masses.
Dear Zack,
I was playing with my Wii the other day (oh man that sounds wrong), playing Wii Sports, and I…well, I guess I was playing a little too hard, because the next thing you know the controller slips out of my hand and goes flying through a window.
Now, thankfully, the controller was OK. And even more thankfully, my parents haven’t even noticed yet, because they almost never go into my room. But what am I gonna do when they do notice? How can I get out of this? What should I do?!
Sincerely,
Wiinie
Dear Wiinie,
I tried to warn you last month, but you just had to get your shitty videogame system. Your problem certainly isn’t an uncommon one. Shortly after the Wii’s release, news stories starting springing up all over the place about the Wii controller slipping out of some overzealous player’s greasy hand and smashing something, whether it be the television, a window, or an unsuspecting child.
Based the abundance of these stories, I can only assume that either a) you’re an idiot who didn’t learn from a ton of other people’s mistake, or b) you made up the letter because it’s topical, and you wanted to see what half-assed insults I threw into my “analysis” of the issue.
Well fuck you. I’m not a monkey, so I won’t be dancing for you.
I’m going to assume that your parents are going to have to return to work before you ever have to worry about doing anything useful with yourself. That should give you just enough time to use some Christmas money to get the window repaired while they’re away. Yeah, I’m sure you’d rather spend the money on something equally as useless as a Wii, but in the scenario, if you get caught you can always play it off as being somewhat responsible because you were getting it fixed yourself.
As soon as that’s taken care of, get one of those damn wrist straps Nintendo has been talking about, despite there being a lack of them in the Nintendo Wii commercials.
-Zack
Dear Zack,
My friends all make fun of me for wanting a Wii. For some reason, they think everything about it is stupid—its name, its controller, its games…everything! I don’t understand. I think the system looks fun, and I’m really looking forward to getting one. Why are my friends so against it?
Sincerely,
Bully’d
Dear Bully’d,
Your friends are right. As I mentioned last month, the Wii is little more than gimmicky novelty toy. By making gameplay a little more awkward and unfamiliar, Nintendo has allowed itself to not have to worry about coming up with really good new ideas for games. Just look at Wii Sports.
At best, Wii will be known as a marginally enjoyable party game that was made because Nintendo knew they were out of ideas for Mario Party. At worst, it’s the next Virtual Boy. Both systems took me about twenty minutes to dislike.
If you really want to play the game, I’m sure you know at least one person who has it. If you’re in college, I guarantee you know one person who has too much access to money to not spend on ludicrous crap. Befriend them long enough to try out the Wii.
If you still enjoy it enough to shell out your own cash for it, then I guess that’s your prerogative. Just be warned that you’ll probably break something with the controller.
-Zack
