Choose your own adventure in this RPG-esque epic that lets you—the reader—vote on its outcome.
Chapter Fifty-Nine
Stay the Course
Render: I’m kinda pissed that those guys just left me here…and I guess saving the world’s OK.
Render: Anyone know where the NUDS HQ is? ‘Cause we should head there.
Render: You know what, guys? Let’s do something fun this month!
All: Yeah, let’s do it! Let’s have a freaking party! It’s INSANE that we managed to say all of this in unison. You’d think we couldn’t possibly all be thinking the same thing, yet we are totally doing it! Oh my goodness, can we be stopped! I don’t think that we can! Ready guys! Let’s finish this with an unexpected bang! One…. Two…. THREE!
Rivers: SPOONLAD TURNED ME ON!
Everyone Else (EE): WE LOVE SPEAKING IN UNISON!
Render: Aaaawkwaard….
EE: What the hell was that?
Rivers: I’m sorry, what?
EE: What did you just say?
Rivers: I didn’t say anything.
EE: Yes, you did. Just then, you said something.
Rivers: I said the same as you. We were talking in unison.
EE: No, you said something else….
RIVERS: NO, I DIDN’T; I SAID THE SAME THING AS YOU!
EE: Jeez, fine. Sorry we even brought it up.
Rivers: I’m not being defensive!
EE: We never said–
RIVERS: SILENCE!
EE: *hisssssssss*
Render: K…. Anyway, fun time, guys!
All: Yay! Super yay! What are we gonna do?!
Render: I’m going to form a party!
All: Pick me! No, pick me!
Render: Relax, guys! There’s room in this party for only three of you! The rest will be cast aside and probably never heard from again!
All: Sweet, OK!
Render: To get this suspensefulness over super quick, I’m gonna go ahead and pick Rivers and Enrique right off the bat. That takes care of my melee AND ranged magic needs. Hell yes. Also, I’m pretty sure I am a great tank.
Enrique: The greatest in all the land!
Rivers: Agreed!
EE: Suck up bastards.
Render: It looks like I need a healer. Is anyone a white mage?
Rosa (of Final Fantasy IV fame): I am a white mage.
Render: Sweet! Let’s go, team.
Final Fantasy IV’s Disembodied Prophecy Voice (Fifa Diprovo 4): And so the light shone down on the heroes, banishing the darkness so that they could see the beginning of their journey, which up until a minute ago was hidden by some shadows.
Render: That is an amazing narrator name.
Enrique: The greatest in all the land!
Rivers: Agreed!
Rosa: Cure!
Render: Why did you just cure us?
Rosa: It only costs 3 MP, and it heals a lot cause of my INT…or was it WIS…. Oh well! I love curing! CURE!
Rivers: Careful….
Rosa: CURE!!
Enrique: Watch it….
Rosa: CURA!!
Render: NO!! That spell is NINE MP! What are you thinking?!
Rosa: I…I’m sorry!
Render: We all had full HP!
Rosa: I said I’m sorry!
Render: Someone find a goddamn white chocobo for Ms. Zealous Curer over here.
Rosa: Look, if you keep being such a dickhead I’m going to get myself kidnapped by the final boss, and then you’ll have to go all the way to the final boss SANS HEALER!
Render: Fine, fine…. I’m sorry.
Rosa: …Me too. Let’s just put this all behind us.
Render: Fine by me. Next step, comrades, is to decide what island to go to. Keep in mind, we have GOALS now. The goal is to move on to a new level EVERY episode. This may or may not include a boss fight, but it WILL include a significant move in the plot, to be directed by the readers!
Fifa Diprovo 4: Can I have an example of this? I don’t want to have to just jump into significant plot movements without at least seeing a sample move.
Rivers: Your name leads me to believe you are somehow related to robots and soccer.
Enrique: ROBOT SOCCER!
Render: Sure, you can have an example!
Which Gate Do You Choose?
Significant Plot Move Forward!
Audience: And so, the group decided to take the tram to Strategy Guideland, where they would surely find some hints as to how to reach the final boss who obviously prevented them from saving the world.
Significant Plot Move Backward!
Queuemigi: No, screw that. We are discussing why I am the origin of everything! Please?!
Insignificant Move!
Enrique: ROBOT SOCCER!
Rivers: Hell yeah, let’s go!
Oh Shit, Wait.
Render: Oh, right! We were gonna find NUDS headquarters. We should do that!
This poll ends on August 7.
