Alternate titles for this article include:
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“One-Hour Videogame Mass Wedding/Mass Murder Super Review Station for American Entertainments”
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“Spermadness of the Godhead: The Meteo Xavier One-Hour Videogame Super Mass Review For Sexual Nondeviants and Circumcised Toy Soldiers”
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“Holy super fucking shit in the mouths of babes by the virgins of Cacun who bleed Al-Qaeda urine and fuck with their toes so you do not fuck with them. Let He who is without shin cast the first bone! So readeth the Loneliest First Passage of the 95 Feces nailed to the church door by Martin Ruthless, the founder of Atheism the worldwide – Part 3 (Alternate Version): The Super Collider Mass Media Review Collection for PAL- and NTSC-compatible monitors on the Interweb”
The following games are reviewed in this article:
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Final Fight 2 (SNES)
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Tiny Toon Adventures: Buster Busts Loose! (SNES)
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Paperboy 2 (SNES)
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Doom Troopers: Mutant Chronicles (SNES)
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Capcom Classics Collection (PS2)
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Capcom Classics Collection Vol. 2 (PS2)
Final Fight 2
Ladies and gentlemen (if there is a difference between the two), stand with me and gargle my tears, as life has become so MUCH that I can only offer you one review this month, and in coming months, until I feel more rested. I would like to continue to inundate you thrice over with games you’ve never heard of until you bleed piss out of your armpits, but FATE has different plans. FATE paves the roads, FATE hires the drivers, FATE builds the cars, and FATE buys the gas.
So it follows that I get caught in church work, school work, freezing cold temperatures, house work, work work, music work (I’ve written for two games by now), and my forthcoming literary erotica feature: THE HEARTSHAPED CUBE. Pity irony to pen a sex novel as a virgin, but hey, FATE spins the tires and turns the steering wheel.
Circle of fucking life, people.
So, without any segue whatsoever, let me present to you the FIRST ANNUAL METEO XAVIER SUPER DUPER XXX REVIEW COLLIDER BLOWOUT SPECTACULAR! Less than two pages of nonstop gaming super nonsense!
Yes, fuckers and faggots, today is the last day of the rest of your lives! There are so many games out there that you can beat in about an hour, weekend rentals that go unheard of because there is only so much to talk about! I heard the word of the Lord and he said to me clearly, in his best Cantonese, “Meteo, if you jerk off in the baptismal font one more time, I swear to God, I’ll teach it to talk and tell EVERYONE how big it really is, and what it smells like and what you beat it against.”
So many games, people. These days games take 20 hours or more just to play through. Do you really have time to play at that rate anymore? The average gamer spends more time waxing reminiscence over classic games than actually gaming, and they haven’t actually played those titles in forever. It’s a total waste of time. Now you understand why short playtimes were the shit. Paying $49.99 for an hour-long dirge certainly sucked, but those were still the days of Clinton, so you could afford it.
Or, if you were me, you rented them on weekends. You played them between English on Fridays and math on Sundays. You got as much out of them as you wanted, and then, 15 years later, you saw them in a pawn shop for $5 and said, “What the hell?” Best $5 you ever spent.
They’re certainly priced better than they were new. FINAL FIGHT 2 is little more than an expansion pack to the classic originator. The graphics are decent and the bosses are big, but so much of it is “been there, done that.” It’s not that the game sucks or anything; it’s just, well, you’ve done it before. ‘Course, when we were kids, we didn’t care. We didn’t know any better, and that’s why we picked up TINY TOON ADVENTURES: BUSTER Busts Loose!! Some sort of Mario/Sonic hybrid emphasizing speed and hoppy-boppery. We just passed this on to our younger brothers, though, because even for us who got beat up by 5th graders, it was just too easy. We did watch Matt play when he got to the cool train stage and the little football game, but c’mon, we had Mario, too. Who was going to win that one?
When we didn’t have Mario, we had PAPERBOY 2. That was fun in small doses. More fun when you intentionally fucked up by breaking windows, crushing people with cars, and fighting gangs with flying newspapers than it was having to get through all three stages, perfectly, seven times through. And if you got hurt more than any paperboy or papergirl should, then you got FIRED? And it was printed in the fucking paper for all to see! Yeah, that was fun on Christmas night when we were up all night, waiting for Santa Clause to come in the morning to give us DOOM TROOPERS: MUTANT CHRONICLES for SNES. Hardly worth the effort, but strangely endearing. Strange worlds and violence. Decapitations! Strange boss battles. Almost like a cross between Earthworm Jim, Mortal Kombat, and Journey to Silius.
Yes, those are good memories. Good games that only needed to satisfy us between homework and the community center.
So then we grow up, and what do we find? The closest thing we get to classic games like those are COLLECTIONS of classic games. Yep. Hundreds of dollars of ROMplers compressed into two little discs labeled CAPCOM CLASSICS COLLECTION and CAPCOM CLASSICS COLLECTIONVOL. 2. Both retailing on average for $8.99. It’s a great deal to be able to play Street Fighter and GHOULS ‘N GHOSTS, but what the hell are you going to do with the other 40 or something games? It’s still a deal, but so is getting 10,000 bags of lettuce for the price of 10. Where are you going to put all that shit?
Growing up means waking up to reality. You’re going to die. Death is not eternal, but it means you’re probably going to come back as a shoot of bamboo before you get to be the panda.
Circle of fucking life, people.
Final Fight 2:
FUN: 7
NOVELTY: 4
AUDIO: 6
VISUALS: 8
CONTROLS: 7
REPLAY VALUE: 5
OVERALL: 6.2
Buster Busts Loose:
FUN: 7
NOVELTY: 6
AUDIO: 5
VISUALS: 8
CONTROLS: 7
REPLAY VALUE: 4
OVERALL: 6.2
Paperboy 2:
FUN: 8
NOVELTY: 8
AUDIO: 4
VISUALS: 4
CONTROLS: 6
REPLAY VALUE: 6
OVERALL: 6
Doom Troopers:
FUN: 6
NOVELTY: 7
AUDIO: 6
VISUALS: 6
CONTROLS: 5
REPLAY VALUE: 6
OVERALL: 6
Capcom Classics Vol. 1:
FUN: 9
NOVELTY: 6
AUDIO: 9
VISUALS: 8
CONTROLS: 7
REPLAY VALUE: 8
OVERALL: 7.8
Capcom Classics Vol. 2:
FUN: 7
NOVELTY: 6
AUDIO: 7
VISUALS: 7
CONTROLS: 7
REPLAY VALUE: 4
OVERALL: 6.3
That’s 46 games, people.
God, I’m awesome….
