Many other magazines, online or paper, boast advice columns like this one. However, what other magazines can promise a video-game-related-dilemma every single month? None, I tell you. Without further ado, GameCola is proud to present Jenna Ogilvie with “Advice for the Sensitive Gamer”.
Dear Jenna,
I am a lonely, lonely boy. This is not because I can’t get chicks; they’re attracted to me like Michaelangelo to a pizza with marshmallows. No, the problem is that none of these girls are good enough for me. They’re all these stuck-up, prissy types who don’t know a Koopa Troopa from an Oompa Loompa. You seem like a nice, video game playin’ gal. So tell me… what would I have to do to get you to go out with me?
Love,
Sick of Stupid Girls
Dear Stupid Girl,
Actually, it’s a pretty unknown fact that I am, in fact, not a real girl. I am of a rare breed known only by the alias “girlbot”. We girlbots roam the Earth generally unnoticed by the other two species. We go about our business, and run seemingly normal lives. However, we are differentiated from normal girls when crunch time comes. For example, if you take a girlbot out on a date and accidentally forget to mention how big her boobs look, or how gracefully she carries her Gucci bag, or how fabulous her spike heels look with her sickly think legs… she won’t yell at you. Okay, take a break and breathe. I know this is a huge shock.
But yes, there are such beings in existence. Girlbots are elusive and quite hard to locate, because they imitate normal girls in most instances. But, if you are so fortunate to find one, hold on tight.
So, basically, to answer your question: No way in hell will I date you. I have a boyfriend. kthnx.
Love, Jenna
Dear Jenna,
I have a problem. My favorite type of games are RPGs, but they take forever to finish. And I cannot put down a game until I beat it, not even to eat, drink, or to sleep, unless I fall asleep playing. My grades are suffering, I’ve lost all my friends, and I haven’t showered in weeks. Please help me break this addiction to RPGs, you’re my last hope.
Sincerely,
Smelly RPG Player
Dear Smellsalot,
Breaking the addiction is much harder than just fooling it. If it was that easy to solve addiction, I wouldn’t have had to enter FDSA (Fun Dip Snorters Anonymous)… but that’s a horse of another scent. Here’s the deal: Develop short term memory loss. I’m not talking SEVERE memory loss, like Dory from Finding Nemo. That’s a little excessive. I’m talking you can’t remember what you did three or four hours ago. Then, you’ll play for three or four hours, and forget what you’re doing. You’ll shut off the game out of confusion and can still lead a fairly normal life!
If this doesn’t work, develop a heavy drinking problem. The spins and the blackouts will deter you from any excessive video gaming
Happy diseasing!
Love, Jenna
