Many other magazines, online or paper, boast advice columns like this one. However, what other magazines can promise a video-game-related-dilemma every single month? None, I tell you. Without further ado, GameCola is proud to present Jenna Ogilvie with “Advice for the Sensitive Gamer”…
Dear Jenna,
I love to play video games. But that’s not my problem. I’m 18 years old and I must say, I’ve been told I have marvelous wang. Thing is, every time I get to a very important part in the plot of a game, or am about to scream the Xena war cry as I bash heads in, I have to urinate. Y’know, like every other gamer, I try and suppress this in order to listen to the important plot line or break a record in kills, but it’s not just any normal things. It’s like I have an alien in my bladder and it’s ungodly painful. So I relieve myself and miss the plot or come too short of breaking my kill record and proceed to go back and start again, only to have the same damn thing happen over and over. What do you think I should do?
Sincerely,
Mutant Bladder.
Mutant Bladder,
From the looks of things, you probably do have an alien gestating in your bladder. Apart from the obvious answer, you may just need to stop downing so many cans of Tropicana orange juice while playing Wind Waker, or whichever RPG of choice you may be speaking of. For the alien problem, I recommend immediate exorcastion by my good friend Madame Flambe — she’s really good at these things. I think I may even have a 15% off card left over from my last… issue. But we don’t speak of that anymore. If you are somehow convinced that it is totally ludicrous that there is an alien living in your body cavity and feasting on your organs, I recommend attaching a tube to your urethra and running it across the room into the nearest toilet. This pee problem you’re having seems to me to be chronic, and until a world renowned doctor begins to investigate “Video-Game-Induced Bladder Hyper-Function”, you’re up shit creek without a paddle. So, rig up your pee-draining device, and play away, my dear friend!
– Jenna
Dear Jenna,
I have a pretty serious problem. When I play my absolute favorite game, “Metal Gear Solid”, I find myself wishing I was Snake. But it doesn’t stop at wishing. I soon go through a Jekyll/Hyde transformation. Soon I’m running through the halls of my high school, dressed in black and wearing a red bandana. While in these separations from reality I try to “kill” my friends by coming up behind them and trying to choke them. Until recently it wasn’t too big a deal, and considering that I only have two friends, no one really cared. But then I made a mistake — a big one. Stalking down the hallway one day after school, looking for the PAL keys I spied who I thought at the time was a psycho mantis. I later learned that it was a math teacher. Luckily the punch that I inflicted to the middle of her chest only knocked her unconscious for a couple of minutes. Unfortunately, I was epxelled from school, and am pending assault charges. But my real problem is that I no longer have a location to mimic my favorite video game hero. Where can I play? And how can I get friends? Please, I need your help.
Yours Truly,
Schizo Snake
Schizo Snake,
I personally see nothing wrong with your unhealthy attachment to Solid Snake. [He is a pretty hot ticket, if you want my opinion.] Anyway… I find nothing out of the ordinary with your obsession with becoming Snake; in fact, there was an administrator in my old high school that dressed up every day as a Berenstein Bear, and no one gave her shit about it! I mean, hell, she ran around shelling out dress-code violations like the world was going to end or something… Jeebus. Oops… right. Snake. That teacher that you punched in the chest, the one that you thought was a psycho mantis? I know exactly who you’re talking about; she reminds me of a psycho mantis as well. Actually, more of a really lanky bird, but I can definitely see where the confusion lies. I say that when you go to court, you bring a picture of this alleged “math teacher” and show it to the jury. See how many of THEM can see that lady and not go crazy, thinking a giant crazy praying mantis is in the room. As for finding new friends, well, you’re pretty much fucked in that category. Not many people want to be friends with a teenager convicted of assault. Good luck with the trial!
– Jenna
