Many other magazines, online or paper, boast advice columns like this one. However, what other magazines can promise a video-game-related-dilemma every single month? None, I tell you. Without further ado, GameCola is proud to present Jenna Ogilvie with “Advice for the Sensitive Gamer”:
Dear Jenna,
I’ve got a problem… it’s embarrassing. When I wake up and get out of bed, I feel the sheets and they’re wet. But it’s not THAT kind of wet, or the kind of wet that happens when I dream about the DOA girls (so hot…). It’s sweat. So much sweat, the bed becomes a water bed (if you know what I mean…). There’s not enough deodorant in the free world that can solve this problem. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Sweaty McNeverDry
Dear Sweaty,
Jeebus. Sounds like a serious problem you’ve got here. These girls (or boys… or turtles… or whatever) you’ve been sleeping with must not be too happy with your overactive pores. Barring out peeing yourself, or having one too many dreams about Dead or Alive chicks… I say you’ve got a pretty serious problem. You’ve probably contracted “Nocturnal Poral Emission Syndrome”. Pretty rare, from what I hear… but the girl who lives across the hallway from me has it. Go figure. Strange world.
Anyway… the seemingly simple answer to your ridiculous problem, straight from our resident witch doctor. All you need to do is track down a small, fat, orange bird… one native to the region of the Fijian peninsula. Capture it, and squeeze its eyes until mucous comes out. Rub this liquid all over you body, and it should effectively block all your pores, leaving you more than able to sleep with whomever (or whatever) you wish. Have fun!
Love, Jenna
Dear Jenna,
I’m planning on going to college, but I’m wondering if I should. No one seems to respect college graduates. But everyone thinks ninjas are the coolest. So, do you think I should g to college or ninja school?
Sincerely,
Wannabe Ninja Boy
Dear Wannabe,
Hmmm. College vs. ninjas. I never thought this debate would arise. The legendary ninjas vs. pirates, yes… but this? Not so predictable.
Anyway. College. College is fun. If for no other reason than to just rampage around with new friends, create general havoc, and just have fun with your thousands of dollars spent going to school… I put a big fat red check in the “Go to college” box.
But, hey. Who am I to ever put down the life of the ninja? If running around stealthily in the shadows and killing people with your left pinky is your passion in life… I say go for it, slugger! But if you ask me, college fuckin’ rules. Take advantage of it if you can.
Love, Jenna
