Advice for the Sensitive Gamer #8

Jenna Ogilvie offers advice about becoming Paul Franzen (with superpowers), meeting Cassandra from Soul Calibur, getting friends interest in gaming, and more.

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Many other magazines, online or paper, boast advice columns like this one.  However, what other magazines can promise a video-game-related-dilemma every single month?  None, I tell you.  Without further ado, GameCola is proud to present Jenna Ogilvie with “Advice for the Sensitive Gamer”:

Dear Jenna,

In a past issue of GameCola it is mentioned that Paul Franzen is sexy and he has a gorgeous bod.  I want to get plastic surgery to be like him, but I want some sort of super power too.  Is this a normal desire?  The super power part that is…

Signed: Wants a Girl With Her Own Controller

Dear Controller Girl (or whatever your clever pseudonym may be) –

It might just be the massive amounts of cramming I’ve been doing, and all the useless facts for finals I’m trying to stuff into my head… but I’m really missing the coherency of this letter.  Anyway… we’ll attack this from two directions:

#1.  It is a true fact.  Paul Franzen does indeed have a gorgeous bod.  More gorgeous than my own, truth be told.  Wanting to get plastic surgery to look exactly like him is not only a normal response, but quite a brilliant one at that.  When you call to make your appointment, put me down for one too.  Thanks.

#2.  Super power.  Hmm… now, this demon is a bit more tricky than the previous.  It really depends on what kind of super power you’re yearning for.  If we’re talking standard issue super-strength, super-speed, super-libido… I’m afraid you’re quite lacking in the creativity department, my dear friend.  Now, if you were to tell me that the super power you needed more than any other in the world is the power to be able to stick pretzels all over your body and have them cling to you like magnets, or to be able to turn your flesh a rainbow of colors… then, my dear boy, I would commend you on a fine job.

But, personally, I’d just stick to the plastic surgery.

Siliconely yours, Jenna

Dear Jenna,

I’m told that Cassandra is a real person, and if I beat a certain level in Soul Calibur II her e-mail address will appear.  Can you help?


Dear Looking —

You’re a fucking retard.  Cassandra?!  Why in God’s name would you want CASSANDRA’S e-mail address?  It’s all about Ivy, you repressed little midget.  Now go stare at Taki’s tits some more… you need to get your standards to a new level.

Love, Jenna

Dear Jenna,

My friend doesn’t know a joystick from a watch.  She thinks a PlayStation is gymnastics equipment, and that Devil May Cry is what happens when the devil has an accident.  How can I get her interested?

The Devil Made Me Do It

Dear Satan,

Two words, my dear boy.  Two words.

Strip.  Sonic.

A sly combination of the two things absolutely cannot resist: cutesy blue cartoon characters, and taking off their clothes.  She’s sure to be hooked after that goddamn Air Fortress Zone.  Fuck the makers of Sonic 2 for making Sonic’s jump so pitiful… grrrrr.

Anyway.  Have this girl over, play Sonic, and get naked.  You’ll be golden from there on in.  And maybe even get a little action that you would have missed had you not hooked this girl on the allure of the small blue hedgehog.  Good luck!

Nakedly yours, Jenna.

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About the Contributor

From 2003 to 2004

Jenna Ogilvie is a former staff member from GameCola's early days as a monthly email newsletter.

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