Congratulations. You are no longer a slave to the evil gaming corporations who choose what games to buy for you. You’re a free spirit, able to choose what you want to play.
But it’s not quite over yet.
You now need to know one final thing: What kind of gamer you want to be.
PART THREE: FINDING YOUR IDENTITY
There are many different types of gamer, but in the end they fall into four (very) general categories: Ignoramus, Casual, Nostalgiaddict, and Quirky. I’ll cover these four identities and then you can decide which one you want to be.
I’ll start with the Ignoramus. The Ignoramus, or “Iggy”, is the kind of gamer that you see walking into a game store, picking up a copy of Ty the Tasmanian Tiger, smiling like a moron, then handing over £40 and walking out, oblivious to the fact that they are carrying actual human feces in a box.
It is your DUTY as a true gamer to STOP THESE PEOPLE AT ALL COSTS. Take a leaf out of my book and hide all copies of Ty behind better games. Thusly, the Iggys will not purchase them. They are too ignorant to search for a game. If you see one walking towards the counter with a copy of a crap game, STOP THEM. Direct them to better things (Ratchet and Clank, Jak 2 et al).
Next, we come to the Casual gamer. These are the gamers who go with the games that get a lot of publicity. Grand Theft Auto, Final Fantasy, etc. These gamers are, at heart, fine people. They buy good games (games that get positive reviews tend to be good, let’s face it), and they enjoy them. They do not take any risks in their purchasing, but they get results. These gamers can be left alone. They do no one any harm.
Now we come to the Nostalgiaddict. These are the gamers who refuse to play or discuss games other than retro, or retro compilations. When they hear the letters “GTA”, they will scoff, and start warbling on about APB and how it was the predecessor to every game of that genre. These gamers are, however, tolerant of the other groups and will gladly help a distressed gamer to choose something good (usually a retro update like R-Type Final or Contra: Shattered Solider).
Last, but by no means least, we come to the Quirky. These gamers shun all the other classes, and actually ASSAULT the Iggys. They will attempt to slot games such as DoDonPachi, Gunstar Heroes, Gregory Horror Show and ToeJam and Earl into every conversation. Notice that no one bought these games. These gamers can be fun, and they can get one into the best kind of games, but they are obnoxious and arrogant to the extreme. They must be approached only by one who is deeply tolerant.
Of course, these four classes of gamers are by no means concrete. They can be mixed and matched at will. But by far the worst combination is the Quiggy: a merging of Quirky and Iggy. They like to mention Radiant Silvergun and Musashi Ganryuuki to sound badass, but they have NEVER PLAYED THEM. These gamers must be SHOT.
This brings How to be a Gamer to an end. I hope it has been an enlightening ride for all you stupid amateurs. Now you can truly hold your head up high and say you are a gamer.
For the record, I’m a Nostalgiquirk.