Julie Kozarsky, with her infinite knowledge of the universe, uses her wisdom and experience to reduce your gravest problems into silly inconveniences. So easy, so simple — it’s a cheat code for your life.
Dear Julie,
I was dating this non-gaming girl for a pretty long time (I know, blasphemous right?). One day, as an attempt to get her into video games, I brought one of my spare Nintendos and a few extra games over to her house, and plugged the console into her TV without her permission. The idea was that she’d see the Nintendo there, play it, and, seeing how awesomely fun the games are, would get herself hooked on video games. And it worked, to some degree. The problem is, now that we’re broken up, she won’t give me my stuff back! She claims that they were gifts, although it’s plainly obvious that it was way more of a clever ruse to get her into gaming than it was something from the heart. Everything I left at her house I have a double of; but that’s not the point. How can I get back what’s rightfully mine?
Love,
Girls are an Ass-Pain
Dear Ass-Pain,
Girls are pretty stubborn, but this takes the cake. You’re going to need to slap some reason into this broad.
First, corner her. Get her into a situation where she can’t escape…. you know, lock her into a closet, child-safety-lock a car, trap her in a dark alley. Bring an empty box, large-sized and beautifully gift-wrapped, but empty. When she’s good and scared, ask her what you’re holding. Judging by the glittering ribbons and lavishly rich colors of the wrapped box, she should eventually venture beyond her terror to guess that it’s a present. After she gives this correct answer, applaud and untie her. Explain carefully why, exactly, this was a gift. Be sure to mention the wrapping paper, the bows, the little tag with her name on it. Inquire where the gift wrap on the gaming system was… ask if it was addressed, tied beautifully, sparkling. She should admit that it was not. Remind her that Nintendos are available on E-Bay, quite reasonably priced. After reaching this point, she should realize her faulty judgment and relinquish your property.
If not… send an email my way. I know how to keep bitches in line. It’s my job.
Sadistically yours, Julie
Dear Julie:
When I play video games for extended periods of time, my eyes start to feel funny. It’s not like I’m about to cry or anything (I’m no sissy!), it’s more of a feeling akin to leaving your contacts in for too long, or wearing your brand new glasses for a long time. I want to be able to engage in day-long gaming marathons without my eyes giving up on me; do you have any suggestions for curing my ailment?
Bleary Eyed Wonder
Dear Bleary Eyed Wonder,
Take a break, buddy! All-day gaming sessions are great, but I’d recommend a good ten-minute break every hour or so. Go outside, walk your dog, call your significant other and declare your love. If you absolutely cannot stay away from the game, invest in some eye lubricating drops. They should make your eyes feel refreshed and clean. They’re available at your local drugstore for a reasonable price. But this is definitely a last resort. Don’t play video games ALL day. You can always buy eye drops, but once your dignity is lost, it can never be reclaimed.
Clearly,
Julie
